If you have to ask yourself ...

… then you ARE …

My fam knows the one conceit that I have … I think that my first wife resented me for it, because it allowed my confidence to blossom, because she couldn’t deny it. I try to keep it to myself, because I don’t think that I am, knowing full well that I have not allowed it to reach its fullest potential.

In a few comments, it gets alluded to, but I don’t try to let myself believe it. I feel that I have fallen too short to be considered so, but some folks think it, even in the briefest of encounters.

One of the things that I know for sure that I am is genial. Nebraska was able to see that side of me, when we were together. I was in my Ohio State hoodie, when some ladies came up. One of their son’s played for Illinois, and they had just upset the Buckeyes. We had a nice little conversation, complete with the good natured ribbing that comes, and best wishes when it concluded.

That is me. Most of me in fact. I claim being a nice guy on the real.

She also saw what I guess she would term ‘my Detroit’ coming out when I thought that kid (he could have been in his late teens, early twenties … I am 42, so that’s a kid to me!) was running too close to us. That is me, but a very, very small percentage of the time. I used to tell my buds that I am ‘the in case of emergency, break glass’ guy. If someone needs me on the scene, hey, it has to be for one thing … and I am there for that.

But when I lie in bed (or on the couch) to sleep at night, I do so feeling that I am cat who struggles mightily with himself, to find the best answers and make the best choices. I am a thinker, and I have been told among all the positives said about me, what I have cherished most, that I am deep.

By asking, ‘Am I?’, in a way qualifies one as being ‘deep’. Since I struggle with myself, trying to look within to find answers, I need to say that I am. Now who is up to read and excerpt from Hobbes’ ‘Leviathan’?

HEADACHES? TRY NEW HEAD ON!

There are two types of headaches in my life now. The regular, benign Bayer aspirin headaches which tend to occur when I am trying to think the most, ironically enough. And then there are the Blue Meanies, which indicate the onset of a migraine.

The former I have grown accustomed to, as they for me are a signal that either I am really trying to get something, or perhaps something is challenging. Not something that causes me alarm. The Blue Meanies, are another matter.

Sometimes, there is a nausea prior to its coming, and a chance that if I get some caffeine in my body and go sit or lay down in a cool, quiet place, that I can fend it off. That happens, but not often enough to put money on it. And yes, being here is a trigger in my mind. Since I have put all that ‘how this could improve’ stuff away, not going to go into that any more to say that I haven’t had any since the middle of November. Hopefully, this won’t jinx me!

This is something that I don’t do often, and that is talk about what is going on with me. It is going to be short, so don’t blink. Because of my boxing, there are a number of dead cells on my brain, true ‘Dead Zones’, like John Smith’s in the Stephen King book. On the bright side, research is promising, and most of the things I could do to aid in my brain operating better (it isn’t going to ‘heal’ … what it does, it ‘work around’ the area to maintain a level of function), is already a part of my character … so lucky me!

Seriously, I would want this to happen to someone who wasn’t prepared or ill-positioned to deal with this. So really, lucky me, because it is my burden, and I carry it as best I can.

SINCE THEY MADE A SECOND COMMENT …

And I will revisit a phrase that I used in the ‘first draft’ of my good bye speech to Mookie, I don't see why you think I am 'pollyanna' yet at the same time, you acknowledge my experience. Which one is it?

I said that to acknowledge that I know that I am a ‘bright side’ kind of guy, but I have been through more than enough to know what’s what, and if I don’t know it, I will be ready for what comes.

But that is me. I feel that me and Nebraska are a ‘final four’ couple, and this season with all the #1 teams making it, you won’t hear a complaint that the best team didn’t win.

Exactly how I feel Nebraska and I would be. Neither would have a reason to feel that the best partner wasn’t there for them. I would put my utmost trust and confidence that we would be happy.

Remember, you are asking ME … and that is how I feel. Part of operating out of this philosophy (well, what else to call the way I think, feel, and live?), is that you recognize and act on your feelings with respect to the notion that others don’t agree with you.

Or love with you.

That is the chance that I have taken my adult life, and other than my starter marriage, I am not complaining, will take the results. Figuring out what may have been holding me back, keeps me positive, because if I wasn’t ready before, I am now!

Just got to keep working on being ready for my moment.

...and Cinderella left the ball

FITNESS, FITNESS ...

218.  Not gonna whine about it, but this is the month I get those 8 lbs off!  Better weather means I can run more, and that is the best way to burn calories!  Going to tighten up on the empty calories too.

New Balance ran some ad's during the basketball games, with the theme of love/hate relationship people have with running ... spot friggin' on ..!  My legs are sore from doing roadwork yesterday ... but it is on the schedule for today as well ... sooo ...

Also, I have made an 'executive decision'.  The well-loved 'o'dark-thirty' runs will be a thing of the past when I move to Detroit ... 'Why?', you ask?  Well, I am surprised that you would!  IT'S DETROIT!  YOU RUN before the dawn in a chippy neighborhood!  There is a tee shirt sold around town with a faux bullet hole and the caption reads:  Welcome to Detroit, Sorry we missed you!

As it is, I am not all that cool with running during DAYLIGHT ... kidding, kind of!

WHY LITTLE BITTY SCHOOLS DON'T ...

Though I thought that this was a Kansas choke year, they sucked it up and beat Davison.  Now, I know it wasn't pretty, but they counted the made baskets and Kansas had more. 

Watching the game, Davison seemed to be writing the script.  Their star player had dropped a big three pointer to put them in range and they had the ball with a chance to tie or win.  And that is when I think the 'moment' caught up with them, as they ran their play not like a team ready for the final four, but a team that was thinking, 'Wait a minute, this is Kansas ... we're from Davison and we don't go around beating schools like Kansas!' 

They ended up getting a crap shot off, and they will be watching the final four at my place, eating pizza and drinking beer with me and the Mook's!  It reminded me of my days as an amateur boxer, going to tournaments and 'smokers' where outstate fighters or kids from the hinterlands of Michigan would be fighting.  I would walk up to a potential opponent and say things like, 'Where are you from?  Well, I am from Detroit, and as you know, guys from Detroit don't lose fights to guys from Niles, Michigan ... so get ready to take this beatin' and go back and bail some hay!'

Funny, I tell you, funny!

That is what happened to Davison.  Somewhere, doubt creeped into their minds, and they let the chance slip away.  But I don't feel sorry for them ... Davison is one of those secret 'Ivy League level' schools, like Oberlin in Ohio, or any other small, super exclusive, super smart school ... you don't work for kids from Davision ... they are so far removed from us, the guy you work for, well, the guy HE works for, works for a guy from Davison!

NEBRASKA TALES

I used to post on the 'AOL Black Voices' message boards.  They changed how they operated them, and I grew frustrated and stopped.  Nebraska says she picked up some of my posts there, so I am going to go with that.  I don't know how I found out she was from 'fly-over' land, but I did.  And some old ancient connection clicked.

Back in the day, Nebraska was a football POWERHOUSE.  I loved the way they played, running their offense out of the I-formation, letting you know what was coming and daring you to stop it.  Backs like Jarvis Redwine and I.M. Hipp were early idols of mine.  I had wanted to play in the Huskers home whites, because they reminded me of unfrosted strawberry pop tarts!

I also remember beating the life out of some cornfed cat from Nebraska.  Country strong, meaning he had no cuts, but could lift a truck.  But not only did he not have any cuts, he had no skills!  But he had plenty of heart, and I made sure to find that out!

After our match, we talked a little about where he was from. some place I can't recall.  He was a cool cat, and something made me put Nebraska on my list.  It further got cemented when I was stationed at the home of the Big Red One, Ft Riley.  We'd go to KC, and I remember running in to the 'farmer's daughters' from Nebraska, thinking they were in one of the world's great bazaar's ... man, this ain't no Paris, this is KANSAS CITY ..! (yeah, yeah, I know, KC is a great town, but this is a youthful Mark talkin')

But I held a fondness for Nebraska.  So whenever I found out she was from there, I decided I would make her my friend!

AND THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN

One of the things I have found is, it is rare for someone to like me straight away.  No worries as it is too late in the game for that.  I just play it.

I tend to run contrary to things, even if it is something I agree with or believe in, in open discussion.  I guess I like to have debate, and encourage views that are different from mine.  So no matter what was on the message boards, I am sure she was like, 'What is this cat thinking?'

Who emailed or IM'd who first doesn't matter, because I wanted her to like me.  Not to induce some torrid internet affair that would end in tradgedy, but just to like me.  At the time, I was single, and getting ready to stop my 'active pinging' for love.  That is why I say I 'grandfathered' her into my life, because we made a connection prior to me joining Spanky and Alfalfa in the 'He-Man Woman Haters Club'!

I was glad that we met, and that my Best Sister got a chance to see her.  She shook her head, and said, 'Same ol' Mark!'  I smiled.  Were we to magically get together, EVERYONE who ever knows me would look at her and not be surprised ... she LOOKS like the woman you would expect Mark to be with!

Now, I have tried to find women who were on a 'different platform' before.  Nixxie was, so was Pecan Sandie.  And that worked out, eh, sorta this, sorta that.  You know, like that casserole your neighborh made at the pot luck ... you ate it politely, didn't taste that bad, but no, you DIDN'T want the recipe!

SO I AM STICKING TO MY STRENGTHS

Okay.  So I like Nebraska.  If I ran into her, magically in Detroit. I would prolly faint dead away, because I would be like, 'I thought you lived in Nebraska!' SWOON!

When I came too, I would prolly try to track her down.  It could be something special ... didn't y'all hope for Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan in 'Sleepless in Seattle'?  But the reality of that movie is, we NEVER FIND OUT.  Yet, by the both of them taking such a chance, it keeps hope in play ...

For me, that is what it is all about.  Hope.  Opportunity.  Having the ball with a chance to beat Kansas.  Even if you don't get the shot off, you WERE THERE and you had your destiny staring you in the face.  Can you ask for more?

Wow!  I don't think that you can.  If it was supposed to be more, then you would have had it.  Anyway, the little squirrel is tired of runnin' on that treadmill, so I am going to let him rest ..!

Enjoy La Bouche!

... picking up ...

SPEAKING OF FAITH

This is a good show about humanism, with Harvard's Gregg Epstein ... have to listen to this show again later this week ...WILL BE a point of discussion later this week ...

...NOW, WHERE WAS I ..?

Readers of my drivel, know that I am worried about slipping into denial.  Part of it is due to my condition, because I fall into a circular kind of thinking, and I start thinking of 'new' things as 'always been' things.  Admittedly, I think I am doing better about that.  But even prior to diagnosis, I never liked 'faking myself', you know?

I know that I hurt many folks feelings.  I know that I was callous with the emotions of people.  That I didn't mean it ... maybe that makes me worse than someone who does things with no regard.  Awareness, consciousness give you the reason to change. It also implies a responsibilty. 

Tee Jay was that 'wake the hell up' moment.

NO ONE knows what broke us up... she never told me before I moved from Detroit if she remembers, but my best sister and I couldn't remember ... AND SHE WAS THERE.  That said a lot to me.  How could something so small end up costing me so much?

Talking with my BFF, I told her that I reached a point in my life where I think that I have prolly already met who I am supposed to have been with, and that for a good while, there won't be anyone coming down the pike for me to 'chase'.  Somehow, someway, someone is going to come BACK into my life ...

I 'grandfathered' Nebraska in, because though we hadn't 'met', we did have dealings on line, and there was that 'special Mark connection' that I made with her.  So I stopped dating girls, and just hung out ...

THE VAMPIRE LESTAT

Did I call Mookie?  Must have.  But what is unmistakable is that she ran to Detroit to see me.  For me, that was the sign, as I had told myself that I would not 'go into a home unless I was invited in', like the legendary rule that Vampires had to deal with.  She 'invited me in'.  So for better or worse, here I am.

Another way that the 'Vampire' reference works, is that I do feel as though I have 'sucked the life' from people.  Whether or not it is guilt or true doesn't mean it isn't something that I feel.   This is why sports mean so much to the 'two-beat' brains of men.  You win, you lose.  There is a scoreboard, there are rules to be enforced, and you can measure you ability in a clear, concise manner.  The 'ambiguities' are far clearer as either you contribute to team harmony or through a special skill set, or you don't. 

In sports, you can 'will' yourself through, and act selflessly in the name of the cause.  In life, in love, that is so much harder to do.

I carry the affections I have been given with me.  I feel the weight of what people have hoped for with me.  I could never do enough good, I could never love enough, to ever make up for them.  Pecan Sandie called me an 'emotional terrorist'.  SD said I was 'a cad'.

Oh, it has gone the other way too.  My Delta Girl and Tee Jay said that they feel better able to recognize someone who loves them better, in fact, the former has been married happily for a while (it isn't like I have kept up with her ... she sent me an invitation).  My first wife for some reason feels she knows what she lost, and there was the one girl from the Army that tracked me down ...

... anyway, it is by our losses and our mistakes that we measure ourselves, at least people who struggle with trying to walk a specific, spiritual walk.  At night, even though I feel I had a decent career, it is the fights that I lost that I remember most of all.  There was a brief time where I would not talk about it, and if people looked at me and guessed, I would just say, 'No, that wasn't me, I just resemble him,' because I didn't feel like remembering that I was 'a brave loser'.

I am dealing with my guilt.  I feel fortunate and I do feel favored.  I am not 'rah, rah-ing' myself into believing that something is out there for me ... I WAS TOLD that it was.  Otherwise, how could I keep going?

Mookie is getting ready to run her sister to the airport ... I am just going to run ... Carolina is still dancin', but if she doesn't stop raggin' on Tyler Hansboro, I may just lose my mind ..! (j/k!)

...oh, alright ..!

THE CLASH ..!

Read some journals, then came here to make another entry ... and as much as I feel hurt, I will take care not to deliberately try to hurt Mookie's feelings ... but this much is solid ... I will extend myself to lil' Mook, and no, I otherwise don't want to hear from her ever again.  Period.  When we first discussed going our seperate ways, I handled that quite nicely, as she was the one who said that there wasn't a rush ...

I can be tactful ... but there is a part of me that doesn't want to be ... There is a part of me that wants to grind up a beer bottle, sprinkle it over her cereal and tell her, 'it's cinnamon'.  But I won't.

Part of why I am still here is because it is beneficial to both parties ... I can do the things I need to do unhurriedly, and she gets half of her rent ... no worries!

TODAY'S WORD- MANIFEST

That is how I describe being present in my day to day spinnings.  I manifest where ever I go, because if I don't, I won't fit easily into social situations.  Most of my 'being tired' comes not from actual wear and tear, but from keep up appearances without motivation.

Manifestation not only allows me to be seen, but it keep me from NOT SEEING, in many ways.  Because if I let myself 'see' then I would have to act.  And I wanted to give being committed a really, really good run this time.  I will find someone who understands, and someone who gives back what I am giving to them.

I had thought that I had found reasons before to give up on things.  People had wanted me to remain in the relationship I was in with them, but I was like, 'the ref is stepping in ... he's stopping the fight!'.  After Tee Jay, and thinking back to Pecan Sandie (though she was unpredictible, and combustible, she did care for me), I wondered if I had 'bailed' and been shaken by committment from my first marriage.

My sisters' tell a tale of our Mom giving me a 'happy birthday' for getting into a fight with a girl.  What ever it was, I knew then that women were off limits.  When I would tell her how my first wife would jump me, they couldn't believe it.  How could a woman jump on a 200 lbs. soldier/boxer?

It wasn't until Jan and I hung out, and that was the night my first wife threw me out of the house, that anyone believed me.  Anyway, I did my 'Dobie Gillis' thing, kissing the girls and making them cry.  But one day, I sat down and just ... stopped.

I had two more little girls, a million miles away.  I knew I would never get to be with them the way that I wanted.  I already had one little girl who was slipping away despite my efforts.  What was wrong with me?  This isn't what I wanted to become growing up ...

So I stopped.  Then I met Tee Jay.  She was super cool and I found her fascinating.  She was the only Detroit girl willing to have put up with my 'left of the center' style.  She tried what I liked, and some of it, she enjoyed and went again.  She more than had my back.  But I blew that one as well ...

... getting a little tired, for real ... maybe I will find this train of thought in the morning ... if not, getting back 'on message' will just have to do ...

... another peek at the not-too-distant-future

... is this better ..?

I hope that this makes this a little more bearable.  Sometimes the small letters give me problems.  Now this is fair warning, cause I do feel good, but there are 'corners' in me, dark, bleak places.  Sometimes they want their 'turn at the wheel' so to speak.  So tonight, with the Mook's and her sister doing what ever the heck they are doing (in full disclosure, they did keep me up on the changes, even extended an invitation ... I just don't care to keep her company in public today, Courtney Love's fake is a little better than mine today) to get ready for tonights soiree, I am left feeling anxious about being away from here.

Sometimes I practice what I will say. 

When I am telling you that I can't believe how you have treated this relationship, I mean exactly that.  You are the one who credits me with 'experience', and you are the one who reminds me of how I had a little 'fan club' working at the mall back in the day. 

And I am sure you remember what I used to say about myself ... 'Cats like me NEVER go out of style!'  My BFF, my OWN PHONE that I used to let you answer when I lived in Detroit ... you already what I am know what I am saying, right?

If my first wife could deal with her anger better, I would have stuck that out.  I just couldn't take her resorting to hitting me.  She had her issues, and she wouldn't let me help her work thru them.  Sounds familiar?  It should, because I have asked you repeatedly to let me help you deal, that we are a team and that we can work through this, together we can make the lives we want.

I don't see why you think I am 'pollyanna' yet at the same time, you acknowledge my experience.  Which one is it?  Let me save you the trouble ... no, you DON'T know more than me, and I am not talking about class work.  You don't know enough about relationships to know what you are doing.

The only reason that I am not sneaking out like the previous camper is because of lil' Mook.  I want you to know that I will try to write her, and if she sees fit to call, then I want her to.  You know the who and the where to my next location, so don't play.  You want me to be in her life, it is cool.  You don't, then so be it.

You aren't right, not that you are wrong, but there is something in you that won't let you become a wife.  Period.  I think that is what you Father was trying to tell you when he told you that you'd prolly wouldn't be married.  You aren't willing to trust in yourself ... you should choose someone that you can trust, and if you trust them then let them do their thing.

I don't know what you think about me.  Right now, I don't care.  I told you the story about the ring I gave my wife, right?  How I purchased that ring, not knowing who it was for, just wanting to be ready when I found her.  Why I did that, it isn't for me to answer, it came with the package, came with my character.  But that I picked a ring for you, because I wanted you to know how much I love you, is huge.

But I told you that, didn't I?

Yeah, I know ... experience.  Well, I never really counted it because what I wanted, a marriage, I didn't have.  So I 'hung out' with a couple of women for a little while, and yes, you already know that I was at one time as popular as popcorn at the movie house ... but in my book, it doesn't matter, because I didn't want to ring up numbers, but to take a ring and find ONE.

But you HAVEN'T acted like that, by my count, for over two years, that I matter to you, that beyond what affects Mookie exists a relationship, and that the harmony of its state, matters to the harmony of our soul.    I already told you, your problems are OUR problems.  Talk to me, and we can find a way together.  For whatever reason, you don't seem to think so.

First, I thought maybe I needed to spend more time with lil' Mook, that my parenting skills were part of the problem.  Not that we weren't cool, but if there is more for me to do, then I better do it.

Then, I decided to be more attentive to you.  Massages, scented showers, flowers, poetic emails at work.  But you would come home, and you could go all day without as much as a hello.  You gave the excuse that you aren't that affectionate, and even though you know where I come from, showing you care is a HUGE THING, you couldn't even 'go thru the motions', after I told you that I would take that.  No kisses when you leave in the morning, none when you got home, no kiss good night.  And I TOLD you that is important to me.

Experience.  Here comes 'experience' that you can choose to alter.  I like you enough to be your friend, so if you let lil' Mook call, then we can be friends.  If not ...

... it will be my goal to never have to see you, or utter your name ever again.  I don't expect you to call, as you know, when I get to Detroit, I won't want to hear from you.  Ever.  If I have left something, even if you KNOW it to be important, forget it.  Destroy it.  I have had enough time and opportunity to get anything that I deem critical to me.  My mail is the law, and I expect that to be forwarded with no problem.  I have already put in the order, but I know sometimes they make mistakes.

Don't get caught playing with my mail.  You wouldn't want to see me in that manner.  You ALREADY KNOW THIS.

As to my problems with you ... you had better remember those whinning pleas I made over the last two years, because if you think I WANT you to fix yourself up for the next person with MY help, you have lost your mind.

Do I have to tell you what I think about your prospects?  Though I want you to be able to care for yourself and your daughter, yeah, a pox on your love life. May that aspect of your existence go unfulfilled, and your sisters and your ghetto 'Ya-Ya sisterhood' become spinsters ...

... I have places to go ... good bye ...

 

 

... puttin' on my Carolina hoodie ..!

... and they lost ... BADLY ...

June can't come fast enough.  I just am so weary of having to deal, and when it comes a those vunerable times when outside forces conspire with those who get on my nerves, not so cool things can happen.

Not that I am a big State fan, but I really admire the program, the coach, and how they go about things.  That Wisconsin lost to the Cinderella at the ball, Davision (just outside of Charlotte, and I have been on that campus, thank you very much!), means that the Big Ten have no teams left.  Which means that the national press is going to talk bad about Big Ten basketball ... which won't be totally underserved.

Sitting up here with Mookie and her best sister, is like pulling teeth.  At least Mookie played and actually likes basketball.  But her sister, is your typical 'have not a clue' female, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Until you start talking.

Why do people feel that they have to speak on something which that they have little or no interest in, but is the conversation in the room, that they have to say something.  Isn't it best to say nothing and let the conversation go, without people knowing you are an idiot, than it is to say something and letting that cat out of the bag?

Is it June yet?

MOVE ... GET OUT THE WAY ..!

That is the deal this weekend.  Tonight is going to be a tough deal, as I am thinking they are hosting the gathering here.  Of course, I am out of the loop ... they could be going to Mookie's Mom's, and I can avoid having to accompany them.  I already showed up for Easter.  Is this an offical kind of thing, where my prescence is required?

Being real ... hmm ... I guess I could give a primer on the 'reality' of this situation ... because for the ladies that read this, prolly can catch some of the 'things we know, that we don't know'.

BUT I DON'T CARE

I don't speculate on whether or not Mookie is having a change of heart or not.  When I was shelving books, I came across the Greg Berhendt book, 'He's Just Not That Into You'.  I wanted to check it out, because I think I could write a guide like that.  I wonder how much he covered, because there always seem to be things that are missed in those kind of books, things that stick out to me like a sore thumb.

For one, when I cat says 'he's out', that is what he is.  Don't loan him money, fix his car, help him pay his tickets or bail him out of jail.  Once he said he wants to get gone from you, then that is what he is going to do.  Admittedly, most of the time, the guys are jerks and all them other things ... I have been some of those 'other things' myself  on occasion.  But my problem is that 'those other things' lie on the outskirts of my person. 

So when Mook needs me to do something, I will do it.  If it has to take some extra effort, I won't, but she doesn't ask that much of me.  And of course, the lil' Mook has no idea ... maybe her best sister does, but even that is doubtful.  I am not going to even hope to avoid the tears, the hurt, or even possible pleas.  She has had MORE THAN ENOUGH opportunity to show different.

I do think that she is going to be ready for me to go when I leave, but just in case, I am putting it out that it is too late, too late for any of that stuff ... and that reminds me ...

MORE SOUNDTRACK STUFF ..!

ALIVE

It is a Beastie Boy song, from their 'Sounds of Science' CD set.  It is a cool, cool song, that qualifies for the opening line of the song - 'I have never been more ready in my entire life to do this'

Oh man ..! That is how you supposed to feel when you when bungee jump, parachute or cliff dive!  That is how you are supposed to feel when you close the U-Haul, board the plane, or get on the bus!  It is all ahead of you, and the promise awaits you ... if you can but keep you end of the deal ...

Do it!

Caribbean Blue

Just a beautiful Enya song.  Floating and soaring high in the blue skies and in the warm sun.  It is how I picture the solutions to complex challenges, as beautiful and wonderful.  This is a song for those moments.

Vacation

Two words - Belinda Carlisle!  Just a funny, poppy song with the right amout of loss for a summer crush.  Cool video, girls in those performing costumes being pulled by a speed boat!  Cool beans!

Rudi, A Message To You

Another ska lick, from the seminal ska band, The Specials (Free Yourself' is from the LA ska band, The Untouchables).  The lyrics are as follows:

Stop your messing around (ah-ah-ah)
Better think of your future (ah-ah-ah)
Time you straighten right out (ah-ah-ah)
Creating problems in town (ah-ah-ah)

Rudy
A message to you, Rudy
A message to you

It captures the spirit of what I tell myself, and keeps me 'on message' (hey, a play on words ..!) so I don't forget what I am doing.

I wonder if this is going to be a double CD ..?  Anyway, y'all have the best of days ..!

... at the library ...

No porn today ... but you won't believe the people surfing the singles sites ... YIKES..!

Okay MPAZ, I will miss her ..!

At first, I was going to do this little piece under a 'two minute hate', because it not just bothers me, it hurts.  But reading the comments from yesterday, I figure since her's related to the 'hate', I would do that here.

Mookie stayed home from work, which kind of thru me off, as I count on time away from her to build up to stand time WITH her.  Stuff changed, and she had to pick up her best sister from the airport. 

I got up and rolled into my routine.  Today is the day I do my volunteer gig at the library.  Hit the three S's, dressed and boogie on downtown.

As I was getting dressed, I had to pop into lil' Mook's room.  I saw some pages that she had torn out of a magaizine with ladies doing a workout routine.  I am going to straight out claim that as an influence, that she is more aware of her body, and also, because we have talked about it, more aware that she is being noticed.

She has good self-esteem.  But I helped put her on another level, because I make sure she knows how special she is, and that other people can see it.  I tell her to expect to be 'hated on' for no reason at all.  People look at you, and wish that they could be smart, have a nice looking Mother pick them up, and have nice clothes to wear.  Be ready for that.

I didn't tell her like I told my girls, because I don't want to stir up nothing, but I told her that she needs to tell herself that she is pretty, because when a boy tells her, he has something else other than what is good for you on his mind.

And it goes without saying, she is a far better writer than she would have been without my influence.  Not to rag on public education, because those teachers are troops, but the way that it works, it allows for those who are talented to 'skate by' and when they get to college, they find that they are in over their heads.

When I first came on the scene, and she would bring home her english assignments, I would go over them, and ask her to explain what they said.  Often, even though the grade was 'A', the work, in my eyes was not.  So I would ask her to explain what she did, and get her to 'slow down', because in writing, it is quality not quantity.  And her writing has improved greatly, and she doesn't mind showing me and even have me help her out with it.

That is what had me a little on the warm side today.  I will try to reach out to her, and will do so with the hopes that we can maintain a relationship.  she already knows my girls ... they know her.

I mean it.  I will keep in touch with her.

STATE PLAYS TONIGHT ..!

Against the mighty Memphis State Tigers.  They are VERY GOOD.  But what has me so excited about the game, is that the Tigers weakness, free throw shooting, has fell many a giant in top level competition.  Tonight will be no exception.  You don't beat the better teams in the game making less than half of your free throws like they did last weekend against Miss. State.

SHELVING BOOKS

Why do I feel like a kid in a candy store?  I enjoy looking at the different titles, even subjects that I have no connection to at all.  The library is a fabulous place.

The people that work here are eclectic as well, so I fit right in!  I feel good every time I come thru here, giving back to a place that gives so much to me just by being here.  I'd like it if I could get paid, but that is another matter.  Doing it for free is cool too!

Well, no use in stalling ... ain't no use of looking down, 'cause ain't no discharge on the ground!  Tonight is going to be long, because I won't be able to build a 'man cave' and watch the game ... and I will have to listen to the unlistenable chattering away ..!

Alright Mark, stop your whining ..!  Everyone have the best day ...!

Enjoy Bronski Beat!

... an Off Day

 

KNOW YOUR BARARIANS

The other day, I asked of no one in particular, if anyone has noticed a ‘lightness’’ to my entries. Language means so very much to me, and the words that I choose to convey my thoughts matter to me greatly. Also, it is part of my process, to enlist outside observers and solicit opinions as to my ‘state’, if you will.

The decisions are made with what I call ‘imperial thinking’, so I don’t worry about someone’s random comment. Separate the wheat from the chaff. I do think that it is important to have objective thoughts considered, failing that, at least an outsider removed from the direct influences to give an opinion.

So I asked. Am I doing better, feeling better, more hopeful? I feel that I am, but I also know that it is something that I WANT so I could be fooling myself. Being honest with me is something that I strive to do no matter what else is going on in my life. It is part of the spiritual covenant we have with ourselves.

Spirituality. Don’t be surprised.

Atheism. Agnosticism. Amoral. Making a distinction between the three is not difficult, as they are defined in most dictionaries. But many people prefer to be told what they are, thinking of such big concepts frightens them. Like sheep, they are herded into thinking like ‘everyone else’, never once considering what they themselves think.

Now the first of the ‘Triple AAA of Faith and Spirituality’ is Atheism. I suspect that there are those who would adhere to being atheist, and find my stance a little bit half-hearted. Maybe so, but just as it isn’t for me to say anything about them, I don’t put much into what ANYONE says about me and my spiritual pursuit.

That’s the point. Who that walks and talks like I do, can? I am agnostic, and since I came to it as a little boy, I claim it honestly. I remember my Mother dropping off books by Sarte, and expected me to understand what it was I was trying to find. I didn’t find it, but the lesson was make your choice and follow thru with it. Your spiritual essence is not a joke and don’t play with it.

CALVIN’S REPLY

‘Well, somebody’s out to get me!’ was his answer to Hobbes when he asked the question that has dogged many a soul, ‘Is there a God?’ I do believe that there is something beyond what we cannot see, and that it is responsible for our creation.

My Mother also instilled a sense of wonder in me, and as long as I was willing to think on what I call ‘the third level’, beyond just my desire and my goal, to look within and consider the unseen, then it was good enough to pursue. Many people aren’t able to do something like that. They have their desire, and they have their goal. They plan and move along, without ever considering the things that aren’t immediately visible, but become apparent when you move past them, cloaked in shadow.

Only our timidity keeps us from considering the things we don’t see. We look out, and fear of what we don’t know makes us hesitant, and we are tentative reaching out for the things we want. This timidity in turns, keeps us from reaching deep within ourselves, and prevents the greatness that is within us from being evidenced.

There IS a spiritual component to life, like it or not. Just as it is grand enough to allow for my agnosticism, or someone else’s atheism, it also allows for our amoral character that dwells within us all. Everyone has a claim to its power, its strength, the blessing it holds for everyone.

I am glad that my Mother took the path she did with me and my spirituality. Between her, the Creator, and me, all interested parties to my soul have been covered. I do have a strong sense of something larger than me, and I acknowledge it every day, in how I carry myself, in how I live.

For me, it allows for me to be pleasant and affectionate in my dealings, because I am thankful EVERY DAY for the opportunity I was given. I am not in Dafur. I am not in the slums of Bangladesh. I am not part of any war, famine or great poverty. No matter how difficult things get where I am at, it could be MUCH WORSE. I will take what I have on my plate and be thankful for it. There will be blood spilled at some time, but even then, it won’t be too bad.

THE GREY AREA

Amoral. Sometimes, things aren’t as clear cut as we would like for them to be. Sometimes things don’t feel fair. The creator takes Grandma’s, babies and puppies. Sometimes it is our Husband’s, best friends’ and only Brother.

Right? Wrong?? I don’t know. My only Brother had a stroke at 34. Good health, as fit as a professional figure skater/coach should be. No more details, but that should be enough.

He’s gone.

What it is, is the way that it is. Not for me to say this or to say that about it. Whoever it is to say, said theirpiece. Me I just deal with it. If you wanted to make a bet, bet on the sunrise. Tomorrow, no matter what today brought, is going to come.

Doing what’s best as opposed to what’s easy, isn’t always that simple. One of the few overgeneralizations that I think should be allowed, is that we all spend time in the ambiguity of the grey areas of life. I don’t think it is of small coincidence that we call amoral dilemma’s realm, ‘grey areas’ and we need to use our ‘grey matter’ to decipher them.

In my book, admitting to being amoral, or having committed amoral acts is akin to a confession. Admit it, and move on. You have still got to live, so live. Life goes on, death will continue to cull, and you must deal with ambiguities. It is all a part of the constant, constant struggle of life.

What is clear cut? The color of my font, a shade that I would tell you is ‘Carolina Blue’, to identify with a state I neither grew up in, or currently live. The shade is not the exact shade of ‘blue’, yet most could decipher that it is of some relevance to me.

Still it is a connection that is not as clear as all that. Who knew these things before I said them? Who made that connection? Even that, is a ‘shade of grey’. We all have done, are currently doing, or will do things that are in our best interests alone. Mookie hasn’t spoken to lil’ Mook about us. So I am still ‘on the clock’ if but part time. So I still have to discipline her when she is out of line (last night), and she still comes to me for approval (this afternoon). I am still here, and I am not a cut out. I am not a caricature.

THE DOUBLE LEFT HOOK

The phrase, ‘the power of positive thinking’, has kind of lost something as cynicism seems to be the prevalent form of thought. But I think that we are all born with something innate, something special with in us.

I think of my best punch, the double left hook when I am struggling through things. It was what I did best, and it was a daring punch. And that is my point. If you are going to go down, swing with your best shot, and believe that you are going to win with what you do best, with your best shot.

The first fight between Muhammad Ali and Joe Frazier, ‘The Fight of the Century’, Joe Frazier was able to knock Muhammad Ali down in the 15th round, toseal a hard won victory with his signature left hook. So no matter what you are dealing with, no matter what is said, when you engage into the process, swing that left hook until your arms drops. Because when (not ‘if’) it lands, it will carry the day.

I am trying to prepare myself as much as I can for the new challenges that lay ahead of me in my life. I know that they are there, but I am determined to march right on thru until I reach my goals.

... just any ol' thing ..!

OUTTA MY MIND ON A THURSDAY MORNING ...

There was a columist for the Freep who would use that line for columns like this post ... stuff that is on my mind, but doesn't fit neatly into subject header ... sooo ...

GIRL TROUBLE

I have been a jerk to women.  Of course, I don't think so, but then the hawks think the sheep taste delicious and can't understand why the sheep curse them so! 

Why, so it seems, are girls such willing participants in bad relations?  Why, as it seems to me, are they so ignorant of a good relationship?  It boggles my mind, the better I try to be, the less intersted in the relationship that the woman becomes.

Takes a certain set of people, I guess, to actually join together and form a union.  There isn't a formula or anything that you can take to MAKE yourself into a good partner.  It takes a lot of work.

Some women seem to operate independent of self critque.  'How's that workin' for you?', is something Dr. Phil likes to ask, and it is the same thing that I would ask some of these women.  My first wife is someone I would REALLY like to 'study' (I am a people watcher, and love to look at folks and 'predict' what kind of person they are) her, for instance, as she has made it to the big dance twice now, but lost both times.  She doesn't seem to be much changed from when I met her, so I am really wanting to ask her if she has thought about making not sweeping, but small changes. 

But I won't ever get that chance.  It isn't just that we aren't friends (at least she believes we are), but I wouldn't care for her at all had I not made the colossal mistake of asking her out in the first place!  Of all the episodes in my life, asking her out was the only one I can honestly say I was trying to act out of character.

And I paid for that.

THIS IS WHY I RUN ... (and hop, and skip, and jump!)

Just got off the scale ... 215.5, which isn't bad.  Not going to grief myself over it, because I am still trying very hard to avoid junk food and still getting in some work.

But it is much more than that.  Self-esteem is doubled by getting in shape, because not only do you look better, you become more confident.  Though this past winter was rough, I liked when people would ask, 'How can you run in this cold?'  I would smile and tell them that it was easy, and often they would reply, 'I couldn't do it', and I would think to myself, 'yeah, I know'.

No matter what your day was like, the time that you spend working on your body is all upside.  The chemical stuff, the endorphins and all that, you know about.  But the sheer FACT that you did something that is so unmistakably positive for you and your life is the biggest reason I encourage people to work out.

Look, I love full figured women.  Period.  But I don't think that I want, say Jill Scott to drop down to a size 6.  I would want her to work out to feel good about herself, no matter what happened during the day, and it gives you something to reflect upon tomorrow.

The 'I know you can't' factor is absolutely huge too.  People respect you for what you do, and that you can accomplish something that is so clear and devoid of anything unseemly is such a boost.

The psychology of fitness is what has me hooked.  That keeping fit and in shape is super critical to for my health is like super good news ... cause I was going to do this stuff ANYWAY ...

I would like to run a personal training service, just a few clients and we'd work in a small place, just equipment and the willingness to feel better and grow.  My out look is more spiritual than physical.  Feel better, and that will translate into looking better.

One of the things about being in the service and especially basic training, is that you see that when you are not given the option of quitting, you CAN do the things that you think you can't.  That is big.  You can use that attitude and approach in other aspects of your life.  It is such a trump card, that you can say that you can honestly do something like run 5 miles or lift 220lbs.

IT IS ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS

That is another thing that fitness training means to me, at least.  Relationships with how the world looks at you, how you look at others, and the most important one of all, how you look at yourself.  When you do something that good, you will feel good.  It will change your outlook on MANY things, and allow you to see things more clear, and in sharper focus.

It is similiar to how kids used to tease me about reading books and things that dealt with becoming a better student.  I could see who was real and who was not.  Working out will do that for you as well.  It isn't that you can't party and hang out, but not as much.  When folks start raggin' on you, it is at first because they don't understand.  Real friends will get on board.

The people that don't, the kids call them 'haters'.  Beset by their own insecurities and lack of self worth, they will continue to tear you down, whether or not they are accurate or not, it shouldn't matter, not to YOU.  All you need is your belief that you are doing something to improve yourself, and you will get there.

Well, that is enough for one entry.  Just what is on my mind this morning. 

 

THIS AMERICAN LIFE

 

Never watched the TV show … but it seems like forever I have been listening to the radio show.  The show dated 3-21-08, ‘Nice Work If You Can Get It’, features three stories about the Astronauts that don’t go into space, how it is when stardom hits you when you have let it go, and how an annuity salesman feels being good at his job, which is to help people getting structured payments (think big lottery winners) to ‘sell’ their payments for a lump sum.

 

There are several other stories, and told from the lens of the folks at NPR, I would expect Vlad the Impaler to find his heart touched, no matter how you feel about the subject matter.

 

If you are on your computer for an hour, check it out … good, stuff ..!

 

THIS MONTH, DID SOMETHING A LITTLE DIFFERENT … 

 

Hope no one minded, but I replied to some of the different comments individually this month.  My sincere apologies for intruding.

 

If there is anything I would ‘ask’, it is this.  When I was reading over my entries, I thought that I read a trend upward. Sure, there were some setbacks, some disappointment, but a steady climb up seemed to be there.  At least I think so.  Does anyone else agree?

 

I do value everyone’s comments and I consider you as much a part of my life as anyone that you see in your daily travels.  If I make you smile, get you choked up, or make you say, ‘what is HE smoking’?’, then you can feel like you know me!

 

As I make my rounds, I wonder about the people that I see regularly.  Who is going to smile and kid with the eastern European ladies that work the bakery at Meijer’s and who is going to flirt with the older ladies running the cash register, who look at my old butt like I am a youngster!

 

Small random acts of kindness … leaving, like the manufacturing and auto jobs have left this town, for much the same reason.  Hubris, neglect, and not enough appreciation.  C’est la vie, c’est la vie.

PROGRESS REPORT

 

Went to my attorney to pick up my file from my Social Security hearing.  Another thing I needed to get done before I break camp, and I can line that out.

 

I don’t think that it is denial by not knowing what it says, and I am not going to read it.  Other than my MD(medical doctor, not Mookie Dee), I don’t want to know what anyone else thinks, because I CAN DO THAT.  Some of this, I already know, and I just have to keep on going.  All a doctor is going to do, is tell me what I shouldn’t do … and when you start placing limits, you lower the ceiling that is there no matter what you do, anyway.

 

Bible study tonight … went very well.  Confirmed this, learned that ... next week?  Looking forward to it ..!

 

Hope y’all didn’t mind the mail.  Thanks again, and y’all have the best of days ..!

Living In Day-Tight Compartments

LIVING IN THE MOMENT

You wouldn't think one would need to be told that, but I have always found that it is better to listen to all advice when it is good intentioned. That is what my therapist said to me, put it on a card for me to read when I feel a little buzzed. He also wrote, What is the next thing to do ... NOW.  So I am sitting here at the library, to wait for bible study to begin a little later.

Sometimes, I peek ahead at the future ... only as far as the next block, which is why I 'don't' know where my journey goes from my Dad's house just yet.  That is getting ahead of myself doing that, and I don't want to miss something as I go along.

I don't think, though, there is anything wrong with a little inventory and a little fantasy as I go.  When I come out of bible study (which will be a conversation for another day), I will have accomplished all the goals that I had set before me for today.  Worrying about tomorrow comes when I wake up in the morning.

I also realize that I am going to have to learn how to accept help, and when it doesn't seem to be any offered, ask.  My 'crash and burn' days are done.  *Sigh* It was truly fun while it lasted, my confused, unproductive and disappointing life.  But it was mine, and I liked it. 

Time to make a new one.

SPARTAN (excellent movie as well ... RENT IT!!)

I can see a small, but neat, well-ordered one bedroom apartment.  A little walk-up in a residential neighborhood, right on the bus line.  Opening the front door, you can look right into the living room/work out area (what did you think, and oak table with a matching chairs?) with a free-standing heavy bag in the center, some dumbells in neat rows from 2 lbs. up to 20 lbs.  My boxing gear is in a gym bag in a corner, there is also a chair and small sofa against the wall.

My cd's are stacked near the little entertainment center that houses a television and my stereo.  Around a corner, the dining area/nook is where my desk top sits (sorry lap top people ... that idea will take some getting used to)

Kitchen is small but tidy.  there are a couple of cases of bottled water and sports drinks, which I offer to the clients that come by to get a nice little work out.

... or this ...

The classroom is bustling.  Cooking utensils are clattering everywhere as I am trying to get my assignment together.  I am in a chef's coat, and the instructor is looking over my shoulder as I cut this, and spice that.  I am thinking, 'Just keep calm Mark, by the numbers ... dress right and cover down, you know this, man!'

... ooh, and especially this ..!

The midway is aglow, the smell of popcorn, cotton candy floating through the air.  Sounds of excitement, kids crying, and the rides spinning people around.  Leaving the fair, Skye, KT and Lexxie walk ahead of me, as children are prone to do when they are out with their parents, mindless to anything other than the good time that they are feeling.

It is a warm summer's night and the sky is cloudless.  Walking away from the carnival lights, KT and Lexxie chattering Skye, who tries to affect that teenage 'ugh, I am so bored with my little sisters' look, but she can't stop smiling.  They're happy.  I'm happy.

I look up over head, and the black is seems pierced by an untold amout of pin pricks, with something extremely bright on the other side trying to seep out.  At that moment, it hits me, walking with my babies, and my heart full. 

This is why that title spoke to me, because even though the story itself was sad, I only felt hopeful when I saw those words.

My hand goes into my pant pocket.  Empty, save the dust and crumbs that accumulate when you are at a carnival, and for the for the first time it truly feels like the stars are grains of sand in my pocket.

Irony ... ain't it grand ..!

STRAIGHT AWAY

The journal I mentioned yesteday, has an entry regarding some of 'life's simple pleasures' today.  I read it, and smiled, because my entry is about one of life's biggest annoyances!

A few weeks ago, I had hoped to hang out with my old friend, Hutch while I waited for Lexxie to blow thru town.  Words got said, and it didn't happen.  I was a bit 'warm' because of it.  So I let it out here, rather than to him, because I am human too, and I want to do what most people do when they feel hurt or wronged, which is to strike back.

But see, I can't.  It isn't a part of me to begin with.  I may be a little smart, but that doesn't translate to clever.  I don't have any quick retorts for you, never have.  My Mom armed me with the notion that if someone hits you, hit them back ... but NEVER not say what you think.

As I have gotten older, what I 'think' and what should be 'said' I have found to be two different things.  I can't always say what I think.  My friend AKA chides me for 'editing' my thoughts when we would speak (her story is to come, when I get home), because the elipses you see in my entries ... are the same you 'hear' when I talk.

Now, anyone who has been bullied and picked on, dreamed of a protector or to be able to turn into their alter ego, a super powered person capable and confident, with women swooning at their feet ... well, as I sit here looking back, that sorta happened for me.  Somehow, my desire to learn to box coincided with a physical growth, and when my shoulders broadend, the ability to use what I was given came with it.

So I went from being a little nerd, to being a big muscular nerd, atheltic and capable.  Notice, I was still a 'nerd', reading comics and watching shows like 'James at 16' and 'Square Pegs' for the short runs they had.  Folks had stopped pickin' at me, at least not as brazen with it as before, but they would try.

One time, and it should only take one time, there was this cat causing trouble at the bus stop as we were going home from school.  I was running home, as I used that for my road work as I trained.  He was making life miserable for a chum, and I decided to stop and ask him why.  He was from a different school, one of the kinds of schools that you think are in the city of Detroit (that is another thing about my hometown ... even the RESIDENTS can't tell where the reality begins and the stereotype ends), and my was for the so-called, 'smart and gifted' i.e., 'other nerds'.

Since I was in a school track suit, he must of saw 'nerd' before he saw 'wide shoulders'.  Sorry if I can't recall the dialouge, but I gave him a 'happy birthday'!

When I went to school the next day, kids rushed me at my locker.  Everyone, and I do mean EVERYONE was abuzz with what happened at the bus stop, which was just off a nearby shopping plaza.  The neighborhood police had been called, people had been interviewed the whole nine.  I remember one someone suggesting that today wasn't the best day for me to be in school, and despite the strict attendance policies, I had to agree.

A teacher (not from my school, as it is small enough for everyone to at least recognize everyone else) had seen what happened, and phoned the police.  She described what she saw as a 'professional hit' done to that boy.  The next day, I heard that he had some bad cuts and a fractured jaw.  Ooh, Mark ... you didn't do all that now, did you?  Did you ?!?

Providence shines upon me.  I KNOW this for sure.  Because nothing ever came of that incident, even with me playing hooky that day.  But like Peter Parker, I learned that with power, comes responsibility.  Though I would stick my neck out for others, I had to be careful, because I could get into serious trouble.  Eventually, I had it explained to me that I can only fight if the person is a 'reasonable threat', meaning he (or she, first wife!) has to be larger than me, or have a baseball bat or something, and then I would have to STOP the moment they are first subdued, not when the fight is out of them. 

Now that is a tough order ... think of all the comebacks in games where the one team has the late lead, and the other team wins.  Set yourself up for something like that, purposefully is asking for trouble.

But, that is how it is, at least to my understanding.  Whew!

TIGHTENING THINGS UP

Now, mean people do suck, and they suck even harder when they themselves know better.  I DON'T go off on you, and if I am out of line, even the Nuns at Catholic school just rap your knuckles.  She doesn't send you to the Dean of Students straight away.

So if I say something, let me know, because you already know the apology is sincere, and I wouldn't try to purposely hurt a friend.  That is why I was so upset, because I felt a little taken advantage of, and whatever issue I had that made me speak out of turn didn't get resolved.  Now you have obstinate people, sitting in their towers, unwilling to resolve a small matter.

I do think our friends owe it to us to find out WHY we said something, and even after they find out, to STILL give us some slack.  If the friendship is true, then that should outweigh most every other consideration.

That's my opinion, and yes, I am sticking to it!

Random, Random ..!

LONG WEEKEND

... cause they are doing a big birthday over here for lil' Mook, Grandma, with Mookies best sister flying in from Vegas for the weekend.  I am cool with her, but will feel crowded with all her family flitting here and there ... talkin' stupid (uh, I mean that literally ... these girls talk about the most idiotic things ) and being loud ...

... let me double check ... dag, if I can suck it up until June ... it WOULD be better for me.

THE SOUNDTRACK FOR MY NEW LIFE

No doubt music means a lot to me.  The other day, I posted while listening to three songs that would be on the soundtrack to the movie of me heading off into the sunset, 'Fast Car', 'Free Yourself' and 'What You're Waiting For'.

Add Wall Of Vodoo's 'Call Of The West' and Sleater-Kinnney's 'Get Up'.  You can add 'Mammoth' from Interpol to that as well.

CALL OF THE WEST

When I speak of 'out west', it is a nod to this particular song. Lyrics go as follows:

he got the high sign so he jumped a bus
and along the roads that wind on through
the hot mojave and the jericho / he'd start his whole life anew
and what he'd left behind he hadn't valued
half as much as some things he never knew

It has been a part of my 'travel soundtrack' since I first heard it.  The slow spaghetti western pace to the song only adds to the feeling of struggling thru an old life to face a new and alien one on the obscure fringes of the real world ...

and then the old-timer pulled him close and said,
"you've come a long way, i know, you got a longer drive ahead
through the bones of a buffalo, through the claims of the western dead
and just like the spokes of a wheel you'll spin 'round with the rest,
you'll hear the drums and the brush of steel,

This is how it always seems to be when you travel to a new place, particularly when you cross regions.  The patois, the names of critical places, the climate and the mood of the people all are changed.  There always seem to be a wiley ol' coyote of a person willing to give you essential information ... but do you trust them?  Do you trust anyone?

now from the high timber lines to the deserts dry
who'll risk dangling on some hangman's tree?
to stake their claims on these prairie plains
while they say this lunch is not had for free?
just like the spokes of a wheel who'll spin 'round with the rest?
they'll hear the drums and the brush of steel
and i'll hear the call of the west / call of the west
i'll hear the call of the west / call of the west

Despite doubts and reservations, the call is too great to ignore, and you obey it.  Since I hear it now, I have no choice.  Do I believe that destiny is calling?  Yes my dear Virginia, I do.

GET UP

I was in Carolina when I caught them at a show somewhere ... maybe Raleigh, maybe Chapel Hill.  They have stopped in Motown three-four times ... and yes, I have gone to every show (dag!  Tee Jay went to one ... she WAS a troop!).

And when the body finally starts to let go
let it all go at once
not peice by peice,
but like a whole bucket of stars
dumped into the universe
Whoooh! Watch it go!
Good-bye small hands, good-bye small heart
good-bye small head
My soul is climbing tree trunks
and swinging from every branch

Now if THESE LYRICS don't encorage you to get the hell over what ever someone has you hung up on, I don't know what will!  It doesn't assess blame, or worry about a cause ... just Whooh ... watch it go ..!

And there is a special freedom to be gained by doing that, letting go and moving on ... my soul is climbing!

MAMMOTH

I did tell you that there is SOME bitterness in me over all this, didn't I? This is that song for this time in my life.

Spare me the suspense
Spare me the suspense
I got the current seat, but I'm heaven sent
So spare me the suspense
Just spare me the suspense

For me, it says things that I want to say, it has the emotions that I have in me towards Mookie Dee.  It says for me, that I am tired of all your talk, talk, talk.  You have had you chance, and this is what you made of it ... so please, I can do with out your weak excuses and your sorry justifications ...

Hey lady, wait
I so hope you try
You're late,
Baby know it's your time

Below that, you said bye
So call in the kid night
Alone, you can't make amends
Now won't let you sit by
So call in the kids
Now we should dance like two f**king twins

The first part, the 'lady wait, I so hope you try' is the bait to lure someone in, so that you could lash out and excise some sort of pain on someone ... no, I don't want to really do that, but I sometimes don't care WHAT is left behind as far as memories or anything.  She can call what she likes ... I call it 'a failure'.

When I get on that plane, ride that train or hop that bus, this is what I want to hear in my personal stereo system.

 

 

 

... it's WEDNESDAY ...

... not TUESDAY ..!

Here at the library because I thought the bible study I wanted to attend was tonight.  I don't know what gets into my head sometimes ... actually I do, but it's no nevermind now.  Can't worry about things if you have taken steps to correct them.

SHE HAS IT

Talking about Wayne County prosecutor Kym Worthy.  She filed criminal charges against the Mayor of Detroit, Kwame Kilpatrick, and that punk is going down!

Sister girl broke it down fo' y'all!  I wish that I was savy enough to link it up on here, but girlfriend let EVERYONE know that justice WILL BE served.

I am glad that I am not in any of the public bazzars and open salons of Detroit.  I would hate to listen to any of the 'kool-aid drinkers' who have stopped growing intellectually.

Cool and collected, she broke it down in terms a child could understand.  Doesn't mean that the healing can begin.  There will be blood for sure before this play out.  The entitlement of Mayor Kilpatrick apparently knows no bounds.  He is lower in my eyes than Ray Lewis for his involvement in the exotic dancer who died at the MAYORAL MANISON.

A DIGRESSION

I don't know if people remember that Ray Lewis, All-Pro linebacker for the Baltimore Ravens, was involved in a murder, one in which one of the passengers of the limousene he was in, shot and killed someone at a Super Bowl.  Like with the exotic dancer, no perp has been found.

Yes, I have two girls WAY out of wedlock, and if you ask Skye, I have been a crap dad.  But before anyone sermonizes (not that anyone has ... just work with me here!) on that, tell me what is going to become of Messrs. Kilpatrick and Lewis, who for my money, obstructed justice and knowingly let a murder occur/murder go free?

...not to mention what goes on behind the closed shades in YOUR HOUSE (come on, work with me ... dramatic effect!).

OBSERVATIONS FROM MY CAVE

Can't claim to have discover it, as it was already there ... prolly got it from someone else, one of you guys.  For give me for not crediting you ... but hey, Dave writes some good stuff!  Today's entry hit me RIGHT THERE, as most of his witty take on things.

I really believe he is a professional writer, testing out material, because it is just too good.  Again, the name is highlighted, and check it out!

SONG FOR THE DAY

The Underworld joint, 'Dirty Epic'.  This reminds me of Pecan Sandie, but nothing all goey.  If something like that comes up, I will admit to it.  I think it may be that when she heard it, she liked it too.  Sisters are not prone to liking the stuff I listen to, but she really liked it.

I think it carrys the burden of being in a relationship, prolly around 'itch time', you know.  Every one is all in, still in love, but tired of it all at the same time.  I have always wondered if the relationship was able to survive the doldrums it fell into, and the song doesn't end on a promising note, nor is it one that indicates that things fall apart.

The song, like life, just fades on into the next episode ...

Kym Worthy ... you go girl ..! (btw, the Fly Skimmie resembles her some what!)

Random Gibberings ...

uh, should have been EVERYDAY ...

I really should do a better job of proofreading.  Part of it is arrogance.  I just KNOW that I have spelled everything correctly, so I blow thru without even a spell check.  I can remember the first rock band I started to listen to, Rush.  Their concept album '2112' fascinated me, because it was the first time music had tapped my imagination. 

Mom already was a child of the 'British Invasion'.  But I always imagined it was a lot harder for her to 'break away from the herd', especially in Detroit.  But somehow, I found that album, and started to listen to it.

Soul, r&b music, died that day.

Somehow I started listening to ELO, and I remember going off to see the horrible 'Sgt. Pepper' movie featuring the Bee Gees!  Before long, I would take my paper route money (remember those?) to buy music, comic books, and seven layer cake from Mrs. Maddox bakery (she has moved from Deaborn, to 7 Mile Rd. between Greenfield and Southfield, to her current location in Farmington ... can you tell I like her baked goods?).

Though I have discussed it with my therapist, and for better reasons than I can share or put into words, I may have to extend my stay until June.  Maybe an IPod will fall into my hands ... I had planned on just getting some CD's and burning my music off of here.  I can't explain why it would make a difference to have it, but it really, really would.  I have decided she can keep the ring, but to keep my music ...

THE KING OF DETROIT

Detroit is the city white folks feared would happen when you let black folks run it.  Black politicans have been using race like a cudgel all of my life in the city, smashing their way to graft and corruption.

When I was growing up, Coleman Young was the mayor.  He emerged as a political force after the terrible riots of the late 60's.  Can't speak to his vision or his leadership, because what ever he accomplished, I was not able to see it ... not because I was too young, but what did he really do?

Thanks to him, the road made famous by the rapper Eminem, '8 mile' became the 'line of control' between the suburbs in Oakland County and the city.  Though 'white flight' was well underway, the stream of people of all races became endemic in the '80's. 

Will the last one to leave Detroit please turn off the light.

GROWING UP AMID THE PALL

Might be wrong, but my Mother raised me and my sibs with our eyes fixed on getting out and away from Detroit.  That is one of the reasons I have 'happy feet' even here in this provencial town.  Michigan connotes Detroit, and I am not ready to live with that on my epitaph.  The 'straw death' of the Viking is preferrable to being buried in Motown.

When I reached high school, there was some sort of 'infection' that took hold of my Mother.  I never brought it up with her, but that was when I noticed a 'turn' in our relationship.  Have speculated what it could have been, but a long time ago, I let that crap go.  By then, my first wife was entrenched, and if I wanted to be cool with my peeps, I had to be cool with her.

The point of that being, when our relationship initially changed, I knew then, I had to figure away out, myself.

YOU ARE IN THE ARMY NOW

Mind you, I took ROTC all 4 years, so I was walking around in Class B uniform alot during high school.  Though my grades had slipped from mostly A's with a B threw in for spice, to just 'average', I was attending what was the premiere public school in the city.  I had the skills to go to college, only no one was talking to me about it!  My Mom was focused on Jan, and so was an Aunt that was living with us.

It may have been once, but Detroit is NOT the town for a young brother to be walking around with nothing to do, nowhere to go.  It happened that I was walking by a recruiter's office, and I stopped in.  Of course, when I came out, I was in the service!  I mean, I still had to test and everything, but my Mom DID NOT KNOW what I was doing. 

The day that he came in with the contract for her to sign (I graduated at 17, and you would have to have parental permission to join ... I was actually 16 doing this mess ..!), she was caught off guard.  Her andher sister had spent so much time with Jan that I felt that I would have to do something for me.  I had always thought about the service, from cousins and uncles who I talked to about their stint, to having her order those Time-Life coffee tables books about World War II.  Honestly, I would have thought she noticed.

My senior year, I must have done something to get her mad, because I graduated living with my Father.  I know that I left early one morning to go off and find my future.

WORLD TRAVELER

I wish that I was into keeping momento-like stuff.  Only my family members know what I have done and where I have been.  Besides, I have been and seen places that I can't possibly expect to see again.  Whether it was in the service or through boxing, other than Australia and Africa, I can say that I walked somewhere in 5 continents of the world.  It is cool enough for me that I did that, but man. just last night Mookie was telling me of how one of her co-workers ran into Marvin Hagler ... yeah, well I have eaten dinner with Marvin Hagler!  And a bunch of othe folks in boxing and entertainment period. 

But I have never been impressed with that.  Not that I considered it not being of note, but that I had expected to be somewhere, to go someplace.  Sitting here now, I get why it is said that, 'youth is wasted on the young'.

I think I should have knew better.

AND NOW, THE BIG FINISH

I guess I am feeling a bit squirrely about going home.  Not that I want to stay here, but I don't want to go THERE.  But I have to, even NEED to.  I have one two Aunts that when they saw me last year, treated me like their 12-year old nephew!  They have missed me terribly, and it will be a pleasure to go bowling with the one (she is a TOP SHELF DON'T PLAY bowler, and always has been) and to watch boxing with the other, who is the one that shook me out of my angst and got me to realize that I am an attactive, quality person and that any girl (sic) would do good to land me.

Oh, not to mention my cousins.  A couple of them like to work out ... and no, they have some more work to do to get at me!  But it will be fun hanging with them ... and then there is my best cousin, Junior.  He survives with his attitude intact, surviving a heart attack (I was the one that took him to the hospital for his that in what, '02?) and a mild stroke ... I've missed him.

Yeah, I am crying ... what you want to make of it?

I wonder how many people have said good bye, knowing that they may never see the people they say good bye to ever again?  Between health (hey, I'M NO DAISY EITHER) and just time having its way, this move is truly intended to be the Frost poem for me ... as I take a path with 'leaves no step have trodden black', and we as a collective, won't be here long with the light of life shining in us.

It is strange to think, that their best wish for me, may be that I never again come back to Detroit.

That is why it is so important that I go home.  I have never liked my hometown, and the mitigation for it isn't strong enough for me to want to stay.  When I was in Carolina, it was amazing to discover that I could easily find the things that could if nothing else, subsitiute for what I left in Detroit.  And what I haven't found elsewhere that I have left there, I haven't missed ...

... except from Mrs. Maddox bakery!

GET HIGH EVERDAY AND EVERY NIGHT

BET THAT ...

... caught your attention!  I am at the library, on my way back from my therapist.  The subject is a lyric segment from a band, Cop Shoot Cop.  The song is called 'Relief', and I would not be surprised if I am the only one outside of the band and the folks in the studio when they made it that has heard it. 

Therapy went well.  He thinks that June may be a better date, if I can manage it at all.  He brought up SEVERAL strong points, but of course, understands.  So do I, so I am here trying to diffuse (like that word ..!) some of my emotions.  See, I am feeling like I feel (from the song, 'Free Yourself'), and I don't want the girls to see it.  Sometimes may eyes well with tears, because I am happy that I can honestly see myself somewhere, that if I don't belong, I am accepted for who I am and what I can contribute.  Don't want them to be misconstrued as something else ...

FREE YOURSELF

This song is pretty self explanatory by its title.  From the L.A. ska band, the video is super cool, for real.  It captures the feeling that you could imagine in a conversation between two friends, one of which needs to lift himself up out of something.  I guess someone has felt like that regarding me during this relationship, but hey, you gotta do what you gotta do.

I HAD to do this.  And any good General will tell you, you want to gain victory with the least amount of bloodshed possible.  Everyone in this thing will be able to step back, and go their seperate ways, enriched by the experience.

What more could you want?  A cookie? Anyway, it is a fun, super kung fu mega cool video.  Check it out on You Tube!  Even if you can't dig the song, it is the fun that the cats are having, that go with the song!  The lyrics I can imagine either Nebraska or my B.F.F singing them to me, trying to shake me up!

FAST CARS

The classic song for couples that start with that ignorance of the world, armed only with a love for one another, that finally, wearily ends with people growing apart ...

... no need to eloborate further.

WHAT YOU WAITIN' FOR

Y'all do know I can't dance, right?  So how did THIS party mover get on my play list?  Well, the Jaye Beez's were part of the Native Tongue rap collective that include Latifah, A Tribe Called Quest, and De La Soul, along with Monie Love.  Since I already listened to De La and Tribe, I picked up the Jungle Brothers tape too.

Yeah, they were super socially conscious (check out 'Beyond This World' to find out how they sound too), but this song, was a flat out body movin' party song.  It lifts my soul, and I feel light listening to it.  It maybe super dated, but it is still funky enough for me!

It means I feel kung fu mega cool.  For real.

This is an amicable thing, and I am glad for that.  Nixxie and I had that kind of split ...  so did me and Delta Girl ... Pecan Sandie and my first wife, not so much.

So I am at .600 on the break up meter!

AT THE LIBRARY

... my station is between two cats ... the one on my right is on a site for single men, if you catch what I am throwin' at you ... the one on my left is checking out some hardcore porn ...

...freedom ... you gotta love it ..!

Enjoy Sparks!

 

... and I do what I wanna doo ..!

AWARENESS DROPPING

Honestly, do we really care anymore? Because I know that so few Americans have links to the Military, that now that we have passed 4,000 casualties, it barely seems to be registering. We have been dealing over there longer than our own Civil War. Involved longer than we were in the second World War.

Is Iraq to us, what Afghanistan was to the old Soviet Union?

Speaking with Gen. McCafferty, he talks about how shaky the politics are over there, with the Shite, Sunni, and the Al-Queda in Iraq, all jockeying for position. Don’t know if anyone in power has noticed, but that area has been anti-western ETERNALLY.

Can you say failure? All those good lives … lost.

CLOSET LIBERALS ….

With Bill Richardson’s ‘back door’ support of Barack Obama, the Democrat race is turning into a street fight. The Clintons are going into their bag o’ tricks to pull this one out. If they gotta go down, they are bring EVERYBODY with them.

The numbers that caught my attention is 37 and 26, as in 37% of voters who back Hillary WON’T vote for Obama, but flip it and only 26% of Barack supports say the same about Clinton.

That ten percent gap makes me think of those closet liberals, the wine and cheese crowd, driving their hybrids and their vegan diets, with their adopted child from S.E. Asia, talking about the big bad conservatives, but unable to find it in their Lollapalooza heart to vote for a black man.

Simple as that.

Now, I AM NOT sure that Obama has a vote on my ballot. Does that make me a self-loather? Don’t think so, but I am calling out the wine and cheese crowd … phony liberals, just as racist as the Dixiecrat party.

… you know, most black people don’t realize that it IS the Republican party that let the slaves go, and that in choosing between the lesser of two evils, that historically, it was the DEMOCRATS that …

… ooh, this ain’t that journal. Sorry about that. Don’t want to know your politics. Just do me a favor and vote your conscious. Over 4,000 cats paid the price so you could vote for someone you would trust with your child’s life, so do that, do that.

MIRACLE MAN

Apparently, this cat was riding his ATV and got into a bad accident. He was clinically brain dead, the organ harvesting team had landed and was IN THE HOSPITAL when his Grandmother prayed for a miracle. He had relatives that worked in the hospital and was in the room with him. The guy relative, took a knife out and ran it along the bottom of his foot … and the leg jerked!! He then stuck it under the fingernail and he yanked back his arm!! The cat, not only was alive, his functions were still going on!!

He still has some ways to go, but the guy has almost all of his stuff back. His memory needs to be prodded, and though it seems he can’t pull thing up, if you give him something to work with, he can remember it. His body is coming back, and he looks forward to driving again (uh, but I am not … I have to let that one go). He even is going to ride an ATV again … this time WITH an helmet … WTF?!? See, when I talk about boxing, I will use all appropriate measures, and I won’t let myself believe that I can when I can’t. Some young cat runs me out the ring, I will stay out, maybe coach someone up. Which brings me to …

FITNESS, FITNESS

Weighed at 214.5. I know that last week I had some back sliding on the diet stuff, but NOT ON THE PHYSICAL STUFF. If anything, I put more into it because I had cheated in my diet. Now, I am at my ‘right’ weight, but here is the thing. That BMI chart says I am still ‘overweight’. So now you can see where my goal is, to reach that magical BMI weight.

Losing weight is like how my relationship has unraveled. Slow and steady, both have come down, and to be honest, I am very pleased with the results. Me and Mookie still get along, and she has even made my optometrist appointment. Today is lil’ Mook’s birthday and she has already opened her gift from me, an iTunes card.

Not quite how I would have liked for it to happen, but hey, no worries. When Mookie was leaving, looking all fresh and nice for work, I told her that I still loved her … she replied, ‘Even after all I have put you thru?’

“Yes”, I said. “But I didn’t say I wanted to stay!”

She smiled at that. “I still love you too.” Then she walked out of the door.

And out of my life.

... there's the way you talk ...

… when you WANT a job (punch line from a Chris Rock joke)

I can’t believe how little of the NCAA tournament I’ve watched this year!! It has been a mini-tradition for me to get my ‘basketball jones’ on the first weekend of the tournament. There has been times where I have scheduled vacay’s for just this time of year.

This season, for obvious reasons, I have been distracted. I don’t know much about the teams or really have an interest in any of the games not involving Carolina and State. The Mook’s had changed up and left, when Mookie came back home, claiming she had forgotten some things in the kitchen. She goes in and gathers her things, and then she says, “You really don’t want to come have dinner over my Mother’s?”

COME HERE CALL

Now, I consider myself someone who has studied the fairer sex, and yes Madeline, I consider myself quite successful at it. Being raised in a de-facto matriarchy gave me ample opportunity to pay attention to the small, finer, details of the female character.

By no means do I consider myself an expert or master or any of that crap. There ain’t no puffery here. Anyone who fashions himself as an expert of women is delusional. But there are certain things that I have come to pick up here and there, and what I call, ‘the come here call’ is one of the things that I have observed in females.

I never thought of my family as ‘large’ but I have 9 male cousins, and there are 11 boys when you add me & my brother to that. The twins, my sisters didn’t show up for until I landed in jr. high, so for the longest there was my one female cousin and my sister, Jan.

Whenever there was a mixing of the families, there were more boys than girls, and boys being boys, we were prone to all sorts of mischief. An Aunt (sometimes your own MOTHER) would call out a name whenever something was going on, usually the wrong name. Whether or not she got the right name, the belt knew who she was talking about!

So that got me to listening more to the tone of how someone speaks. Pick up little things in the sound of their voices, particular the ladies.

Standing on the sidelines watching others ‘hook up’ in high school, I was really watching how just before the tears and keying of cars, there would be a ‘moment’ that if a cat was listening, he would know that there was something coming down the way, and if he could act, perhaps he could avoid trouble.

As a young man, both in the service and in college, I think I refined my ability to identify this phenomenon, but I couldn’t name it. As I watched, moving in and out of relationships myself, there always seemed to be that point, just after the gifts and the car repairs, after the dinners and the fantastic sex but before the slashed tires, hang up calls in the early morning, insinuations of perversions and failed test (for pregnancy and HIV), where a little sincerity could maybe deflect some of the emotion.

Hmmm. Point taken and so noted.

THE NAME

Dating Tee Jay was a positive experience. I was cool with her Mom, as she lived at home. We got along really well, because we knew some of the same people from her days at Chrysler. One day, I was visiting and sitting in her den, along with Tee, her daughter and a couple of her adult cousins, watching some telly. From the kitchen, Moms calls out, ‘Mark …’.

So not moving an inch, I reply, ‘What?’ The room grew silent and eyes turned.

“Baby,” Tee began, “that was a COME HERE CALL. That means, you get up and you go see what Momma wants!”

So that is what I call the moment just after a woman gets ready to lose her mind and actually does, got its name. Now, this is still MARCH … May is a little bit away. Yesterday I packed my books, and could prolly do an extraction at this point, but not a Didi-mow, elbows and a--holes gentlemen … LET MOVE thing. And I do feel I have earn the right to leave as I please.

So that is how it came to pass that I found myself keeping Mook’s father company after dinner on Easter Sunday! He looks forward to our conversation, and I don’t mind. Much.

If your bread falls from the table, even if you aren’t going to eat it, you still want it butter side up, right?

OTHER STUFF

In the Freep, Mitch Albom (of ‘Tuesday’s With Morrie’ fame) wrote an interesting piece about the Gov. Spitzer scandal. He talks about how weird it is that the woman, who is like it or not, by trade a prostitute, finds herself on the edges of celebrity, with offers of money to pose in Hustler as well as to do adds, for essentially being part of a criminal enterprise.

I find it strange too. Ever since Paris Hilton broke, it seems that everyone from Tila Tequila to those crappy Karadashians, have found fame and notorious notoriety by being, well, HOE’s.

Anyone knows what is up with that?

OH … ANOTHER LESSON FROM MOM …

Not all reader’s leave comments, and I am cool with that. One somebody didn’t understand how it is that I could let Pecan Sandie emasculate me, by hinting that Lexxie was a ‘drama queen’ like her Father. Oh, and I wonder if anyone else was surprised at Lexxie and I sleeping together.

Reversing the order, it comes naturally. My Mom and my sibs had our own beds, and separate rooms. Some how, we ended up together, with my Mom singing ‘Que Sera’ until we drifted off to sleep. I know with all the pedophila stuff going on, one might be worried …

But how inconsistent are we as a society, when we celebrate a hooker and look suspiciously at a Father being a father? Besides, if it isn’t right for you, that IS what it is for you …

As to Sandie pickin’ at me … blame that on the black matriarch complex. Never really ‘learned’ how to be so called ‘manly’. So there are things about my bearing that is, well, effeminate. But I do come with a ‘package’ and that is her trying to get my goat. So what. It is what you answer to that counts, and I know my name well enough! Got that from my Moms ..!

Besides, when there is a strange noise coming up from the basement, or a spider in the shower, who are YOU going to call..?

IT’S THE MAN WE ALL KNOW AND LOVE ..! (I think his name is Mark!)

Enjoy Eerk & Jerk!