“Most people, I’m convinced, don’t think about life at all. They grab what they think they want and the subsequent consequences keep them busy in an endless chain till they’re carried out feet first.“ ~Philip Larkin
It is not easy keeping a schedule or a journal. Mastering journaling and regularly scheduled tasks is one of the building blocks of a well-ordered life. The excuses ohly continue to build, and I must not allow them to keep me from accomplishing what I intend to do. When I first began this journal, that was chief among the reasons for my journaling, to hold myself accountable and focused. Journaling kept me accountable, to others as well as to myself.
One of the primary reasons that I felt so comfortable with leaving the Motor for parts-then unknown has to do with my own sense of “je ne sais quoi”. I still remember making the smart-alecky retort to my ex-wife that, “those kinds of things happen to other people, but they DON’T happen to me!” Preparing for the worst-case scenario is one thing… to treat it like an expected possibility is another, and I always enter into things with the intention to do my level best, and once that is reached, exceed that point. It is the will to do something that matters … what one ought to do and its implication goes hand in hand. I never concern myself with the “can” of any objective… the primary achievement of any goal is a matter of will. All things that I list as an objective are all entirely within my ability to do. The primary reason that I was looking forward to moving to Omaha was, and still is, the opportunity to live my life as philosophically unimpeded as possible.
Every man alone is sincere.
At the entrance of a second person,
hypocrisy begins. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
For YEARS I mistakenly attributed this quote Sartre. I have no idea why, a mistake that would not get corrected until I entered the Army back in the 80’s. If anything, it would become the albatross I entered my major relationships with as this was true for both parties. I don’t think that my ex-wife knew who she was before we married, or even had considered whether or not if having knowledge of the self was even necessary prior to entering a relationship. My problem with My Delta Girl and TJ was that I did not see past where we were… I had no understanding that I had maxed out the level we were on and did not fully comprehend what would be expected of me going forward. At any rate, I took those fails as a reminder of my own assessment of the self-- that my being was not one that was predicated on finding a life-partner. Other than elementary school fantasies, I never recall dwelling on partnering up. In fact, my entire approach to relationships has been defined by a middle-school utterance about the imbalance of male-female college graduates and how that by getting a degree we would be among the few eligible men for the number of women who wanted to meet with a likewise college-educated man. To add to the “eligibility problem” of men, you have the decline of factory work, allowing for those men who highest achievement would be a high school diploma. At any rate, with all of this bloviating, there is NO MENTION of ever wanting to start a family, be in love, or even having a desire to BE LOVED. Not really being fully conscious and aware of the WHY of this realization, it still remains a core value that I find whenever I have to go deep within myself to deal with a relationship of any kind. Kitty, rest her soul, was not fighting against opinion… she was was struggling against the very core of my being. I could not forgive her, because there was no “feeling” to why I wanted to be from her and excise her from my life. It was a conclusion that was arrived at separate from emotion. She had simply crossed a line from which there is no return.
We still text and occasionally we will go out. I am always going to be cordial, and I do make an effort to be sensitive to her. With this “dead man walking” relationship go past the coming New Year… well, it doesn’t have much longer than that. I do not want to have a false Valentine’s Day with her. When I think about the fail of our relationship and try to overlook the major problems that led to its downfall, I cannot find in me the wherewithal to engage with her on that emotional level again, for ANY reason.
...in other news… the inspiration for this entry, oddly enough, was an NPR TUESDAY! Not that I am listening to NPR again (but still supporting WUOM!) but that the feel of this past Tuesday was one that I had not had for such a long time… not since I moved from Public Housing to live with Kitty. I dozed until noon, ate a little lunch, then dozed again until nearly 5p.m., no shower or nothing! Finally, I moved from my bed, washed and then laid back down and relished in my solitude. Maybe there will be another go at this partnership thing… despite my reservations, there is a quid pro quo that has to be met. No one that I fancy for companionship will likely be fond of just being “a couple” until maybe the mid 60’s, so there’s that. The goal posts have been moved from what is being looked for as a partner, and I am unsure of where I measure up. Still, just as it was in middle school, I think that “the odds be ever in my favor” in that regard!
The point of mentioning this incredibly lazy day is to usher in the “Spent the day in bed” designation. Between my building another Rock Steady franchise and having FRIENDS TO ATTEND TO IN OMAHA!!!, days like Tuesday will be rare and far in-between happenings. So they will be celebrated and cherished, just as my beloved NPR Weekends were. I cannot communicate how GLORIOUS Tuesday was and how much I look forward to having that option again! I really needed the recovery from working out, as well as from simply hustling around as I went about my daily operations. Anywho, all is well and has a bright outlook, even if at times, things seem may seem uncertain.