Sunday, March 17, 2019


I am thinking that I wrote about myself too much.  Yeah, it sucks that this relationship is OVER.  That much is clear.  But since I am going to “get ghost” (which was slang in the early 80’s for getting out of a place with much haste) on Kitty, I felt that I could do an entry about the relationship slang and how the renaming of the old terms (getting stood up; the silent treatment, `et. al.) is the expression of women empowerment in society.

Women are calling bullsh*t on a lot of things… the 1980’s was brought us the vehicle, “The Burning Bed”.  Even as a kid, I took the movie to be a sign that women weren’t going to take the crap that they used to… I mean, getting stood up and being ignored was something that was imposed upon women and that men were supposed to “keep their girl in line”, often by employing these ego-depleting tricks.  Are any of these new dating trends really new or are they just being effectively reclaimed by women and exposed for the bull crap that they really are?  By getting a load off my chest and using a personal example, the intention of my post was a little lost.

Ghosting has always been around.  But now that women have power in relationships, so instead of passively allowing things to happen to them, they act according to their best interests, and that is what soci-, er, the patriarchy is getting their britches all up into a wedgie, or so I believe. This is not new characteristics being developed as it is what really happens when something is reclaimed.  But, there is a danger in something moving into the mainstream.  We saw this when hip-hop first made it into notice in the mid 70’s - early 80’s.  There was always a battle for rap music and the hip-hop lifestyle… the Last Poets, who were among the early serious hip-hop groups, to Kurtis Blow, which was among the first rap stars.  Listening to Afrika Bambaataa and the Soul Sonic Force, and their mix of Kraftwerk’s music, I thought that when being ghetto went mainstream it would be easier to control the masses.  Instead of rising to a class, it has always been easier for the masses to drop a level, and then exploit the culture and go home than it has been for their to be a “balance”, and equanimity between groups where the best of both are of equal benefit.  We are going to see that with all the new clever dating terms and things will go back to an equilibrium where men are still as dominant in relationships as ever, and everyone else remains everyone else.

That said…

As long as the patriarchy (and this includes female political leaders… there was not too much about Maggie Thatcher and her policies that seemed “feminine”) determine what makes it into wider society, it will be taken and made into something that benefits masculinity.  It isn’t that ghosting is bad, but it is what makes it valid that creates the controversy.  Me ghosting both the Mooks and Kitty can be seen as necessary because of extenuating circumstances.  When Nebraska, Princess, and TWO OTHER WOMEN THAT I NEVER GOT THE CHANCE TO MENTION, went all Casper on me, I took it as karma.  But it is a necessary thing, for the the same reasons that it was necessary before-- because the grand delusion that a person believes is NOT MY FAULT.  That masculinity is “toxic” is not new… it ALWAYS HAS BEEN.  Now masculinity is not maleness or manhood.  Masculinity is what leads to wars and global economic crises.  And it has led to what makes ghosting a valid way of getting out of a relationship.

Because I am not really all that good with intimacy and practicing it with people, I have always been concerned about breaking up with someone.  I am often in “enemy territory”, someone else's hometown, with a lackadaisical family support.  The friends that I make, I don’t want them to get involved in my domestic fail (otherwise, I would be out in the streets campaigning for “Mayor Pete”!).  I work from the worst-case scenario and then build a plan to execute… and that is just me being me.  Is it necessary..?  I don’t want to be caught out, sooo….

Were I a women, the obscure and vague concerns I have would not be obscure, nor would they be vague.  I am concerned that Kitty’s law enforcement linked BIL could make some calls and have me harrassed.  Then there’s Kitty herself, ready to stalk and run over a bike riding brother.  But like I said, those concerns are vague and not realistic… until they are.  For most women leaving a relationship, THEY ARE.

So not only am I cool with ghosting because I have made use of ghosting people, but I see the necessity of why a woman may choose to ghost. If a woman wants to leave a man, she has that right.  As many men who have made use of standing up women, it is hypocritical for society to make ghosting effeminate and to “shrink it” because it is something that “girls” worry about happening to them.

No…. I will not be writing about Incels and all of those luckless men who end up shooting everyone who isn’t as goofy and nerdy as them.  Those guys can suck a** (but because I am me, I got my eyes on you!!)

Sunday, March 10, 2019



I feel the need to I qualify my feelings with admission about myself as well as adding a pre-emptive critique of my own character.  At NO POINT in my journaling have I ever made myself out to be “a victim”.  Even now, I am not a victim of anything.  But, similar to the relationship I was in when I began journaling, my current relationship has run its course.  No matter how I paint myself, I don’t think I will be engendering any sympathy, particularly from those on the other side of the happenings between Kitty and myself.  And for that, well, this video sums up my thinking and feelings, and these feelings have existed within me far longer than my discovery of the film this was taken from.
Rather than soliloquize mournfully about the end of things, I think that I have gleaned a possible insight to the why as far as some of the “new” dating trends, and one in particular, “ghosting”, and why I think that it is a “thing”.   I think that what has been an acceptable behavior in previous generations, despite the behaviour being a character fail, previously, is now being called out.  In fact, much of what had been unnamed and normal behavior, particularly from men, is now being called out as women gain more and more agency in society.  I think of all the crap that TV characters like Dobie Gillis, Vinnie Barbarino, and The Fonz, put women through and were IDOLIZED  for their sexist behavior (Travolta’s being super ironic..!) and objectification of women, falls away from cultural norms.  That kind of invalidation, backed by a significant lack of empowerment , is no longer something that women have to put up with.  Still, validation of that behavior remains, often with great risk to women STILL, leading to crap “false movements” like the one where men who call themselves “Incels”.  In my mind, the practice ghosting and all the other “new” trends are not without precedent.  It is true that as women grow more assertive, they are more comfortable at calling this kind of crap out.  IMHO, the new dating terms are a signal that women DON’T have to be at their phone on a Friday night, or that weekend, for what it is worth.  So, “getting stood up” and “being given the silent treatment” is being renamed and drawn out for what they actually are, and women are using terms that they identify with to reference them because it is EMPOWERING. When I realized that, that this generation of women were taking the damaging power from sexism in relationship by identifying and recognizing traits that was once previous nameless and acceptable, I simply shrugged and drove on, doing what I do.  Emotional depth is a trait that most women tend to have in spades, I would like to say that I possess more than average “male emotional depth”, and it is a necessary tool for women in relationships.  One reason, which is glaringly apparent to me as I started to write this thing up, is that I was unable to access my personal “philosophy library” in my head.  Yes, I know that it could be “this or that”, but I would presently argue that it lies outside of my ability to recall not because of “this or that” but as a direct result of my relationship.  My thinking goes like this:

    When I first received my diagnosis back in 2004, I began to reframe my approach to life.  I spent about a full week of pitying myself and then I never looked at my disability as something that was leaving me disabled.  Even though I was in the middle of a relationship that was peeling apart, I had to figure out what I was going to do… start dying or get on with living. So...

I did not want to leave Michigan and Mookie Dee for mere “sh*ts and giggles”.  There was a LOT of introspection and self-flaggation that came with my plans, which ultimately revolved around taking and maintaining ownership of my life for as long as possible.  Not until the doctors came and pried my independence and self-sufficiency from my “cold, dead hands” (or until I forgot to hold on to it!)    The exchange is an one-sided one, similar to where I find myself now, where Kitty has nearly everything that makes her life full, including support from family and friends, whereas I have “none of that”.  Like many a female in a film noir depiction of a loving relationship, you feel trapped.  Bad situation faced with uneasy decisions, to say nothing of worse immediate outcomes. Yeesh.

I have been trying to break up with Kitty since our first full year.  Shortly after we came back from Indiana, I found myself spent, emotionally and financially.  When I made the choice to move to Omaha, it was knowing that I believed in my almost innate ability to manage my finances.  So, for me to meet up and be with someone who has no idea of what money is and no concept of budgeting, is really, a bad match for me.  I have already married that person and I WILL NOT marry that person again.

I also claim full and complete ownership of whatever success comes from running my Rock Steady franchises.  Other than “cheering me on” ( which, for someone who claims intimate involvement, means little) she has been of no factor at all.  Which brings me to this point.  If you can’t offer more than the support of a cheerleader, then I don’t want you around.  I did not want that from my Dad and siblings and stepsiblings, and I DEEPLY LOVE THEM.  So why would I want someone who can only be an added expense to me and my meager income?  I wouldn’t, which is why I have been trying to break up with her for the past three years.  That I have been only “trying”, is as much my fault as it is hers.

Before I metaphorically “bury” this relationship, there are several valid reasons for me to have stayed with her despite my repeated attempts to break things off.  The PRIMARY REASON I have remained with her is her undoubtable love for me.  She loves me the way that people wished for me to find love in Omaha, would approve.  Even with “the straw having broken the back”, she still loves me tremendously.  And this is where we get into “ghosting” and it being a perfectly valid way  to end a relationship. 

The other reason is the flip of hers being a “true love”.  Do I forever forfeit the hope for a life partner? After all, she really loves me truly.  So I wonder about is have I, after I have bullsh*tted several opportunities, some of them being NO BRAINERS,  will I ever find what I had with Tee Jay, with My Delta Girl, hell, with Mookie Dee when we were young or with Sandi Ann?  Obviously, with the kind of history that is behind me, I would even question whether or not I was deserving of having someone like my ex-wife foisted upon me again.  Which brings me to the case of “the Existential Dread and Ghosting of Kitty”.


I mentioned earlier that prior to this incident, I could not bring myself to “break up” with her.  Many of the reasons are similar to what many female ghosters would give as to why they eventually went the ghost route.  As to whether or not it is  fine for women to ghost, I would remind readers that I don’t think that ghosting is new, but that ghosting is a reaction to women taking their power and influence from the patriarchy.   This assertion of  of one’s rights and purpose is a thing I would like to call “The Virtue of the Self”.  Instead of trying to place blame, take inventory and find out where you are, WHO you are, and if that person bears any resemblance to the person that you envisioned that you would be prior to the relationship in question.  To answer that question, I remember where I was when we first met.  I was in school, managing my life very well, and I was happy.  All of that is gone, as her flaws and faults alone are worth my leaving here for.  But Valentine’s week, we had an irrevocably and egregious action that I feel no inclination to overlook.  La Vista is just what it is… between Ralston and Papillion (featuring the school where the movie “Election” was shot!) in class as well as economics.   For purposes of this entry, it is the class of Ralston that factors most importantly.  Having lived in the shadows of a “sundown town” in being on the west side of the Motor right next to Dearborn, I have always been leery of Ralston.  It is a creepy town, hidden away from view by hills and shadowy tree cover when I approach from 72nd and Q Streets.  I did not know it was a “sundown” place, but when you are sensitive to that sort of thing, you also know that you do not need to confirm such a concern… unless you live a life of little value.  So for nearly 5 years, I have been here wondering if what I felt had any resonance.  That is when we had THE conversation that doomed our relationship, regardless of how long I have to “get ghost”.  But a few days before Valentine’s, the unease grew to a level that was actionable.  I was already intending to tell her that WE should move ASAP if my concerns were substantiated.

So I asked her a direct and pointed question.  Are there “rednecks” in Ralston?  It was in answering the question that I lost whatever goodwill I had toward her.  In her reply she had mentioned that some of the kids cause a ruckus at school because they had “stars and bars” license plates on their vehicles.  The Principal stood up to them and said that if they kept the plates that they were not allowed to park the cars on school property.   But getting into the rest of the story, I found out that one of the young men who brandished the flag plates was a cat who dated Kitty’s daughter (if ever so briefly!).

Not going there.  That is too much digression.  Instead, I want to talk about the big sigh and eyeroll that I got from Kitty as we disagreed about the significance of the Principal’s action and the significance of the symbol in question.  As I attempted to explain to her the meaning, she gave me an eyeroll and a “here he goes again” sigh.  Now, not only have I told her how objectively crappy I have been BUT that I am always going to be Team RED, BLACK and GREEN.  I am that way unapologetically.  You enter this relationship with that knowledge of how I am, how despite what you may observe, I will not lean toward, but identify as an African-American, as a Black man.  Period, full stop.

That’s it.  Perhaps sometime I will be more detailed, but this is enough.  Of all the memories that I have left in my mind, one is of getting lunch served by the Black Panther Party for Self-Defense in 1971.  While I have on occasion been critical of African-American culture, I have NEVER IN MY LIFE, made any bones about where my allegiance lies in the potential RAHWAR.  It isn’t up for discussion and if you don’t have membership on the team, you just have to deal with it.  Sounds harsh, but I want any potential partner who isn’t on Team Red, Black and Green to understand where I am coming from.  I am not THAT brother who is intends on bailing what being African-American means and represents to me.

Whenever I think of the coming discussion, I find myself filled with dread.  I could imagine how difficult it must be for a woman who is trying to leave a man who just can’t cope with the relationship working out.  Then you have the details of the move and how to make things happen where everyone is treated “fairly”.  As hard as that is/will be for me to achieve, how much more difficult is it for a woman who is living with a cat, whether it is her home or not?  If it is a shared place, why wouldn’t they “ghost” a cat, especially when there is the potential for someone to freaking KILL YOU?  He doesn’t plan to go quietly… so you have less of a chance by not sharing in a heart-to-heart goodbye than if you just disappeared.  After all, I did that with the Mooks, calling my Dad and escaping because… why not?  I could have stuck around and confirmed what I suspected and then what?  As far as, “What if she’d said she loved you still?”, uh, she was BANGIN’ ANOTHER CAT.  Little chance of THAT coming back from the disabled list in time for a playoff run!  Besides, nothing outside of law enforcement is going to stop me should I run amok.  When, can a woman all confidence and realistically, support their actions without deliberately slipping over to lethal weapon/felony area, in abandoning a relationship? So sure, ghost the living f*ck out of a guy!!  The bad thing is, that may inflame the bloke and you may STILL need extraordinary measures to be from them.  ghost the heck of someone!!  Shoot, if women had incorporated ghosting sooner, there would never had been a need of a “The Burning Bed” film and men would have been making themselves a better catch instead of whining that about Chad and Tyrone is who all the Stacy’s want.

The epilogue to this entry as follows:  I have not been able to break up with Kitty despite wanting to because of a lack of will.  That alone sends mixed signals, but part of that lack of will is due to internal questions that are drawn on scenarios that only have currency in those possible worlds where a decision is not only being made.  Until I make decisions that lead to define a course of actions, and those actions lead to a definite result, it is all just the same ol’ meandering.

I have begin to take steps to that end.

Saturday, March 2, 2019



I held an orientation at Pinnacle Fitness club on the first Saturday of March.  It was a frigid, snowy day, bad for driving, especially if you have PD.  My partner did not show up for his training and attendance for the orientation was sparse.  But if one is going through hell, it’s ALWAYS best if one keeps going.  With that out of the way, I am feeling empowered.  I am fortunate to have people in both locations, at Papillion Landing and at Pinnacle Fitness, who only want to see me succeed.  That support alone, is worth its weight in gold and that getting such a project started is well within the skill set of both my partner at the Landing and at Pinnacle, is something that I intend to take FULL advantage of.  Which is why…

Though the orientation what underwhelming, it was what I needed.  I have NO experience at organizing something like this and having experienced this leaves me better prepared for future functions.  Also, being able to lean on the experience and connections of people who wants for me the same thing  that I want for myself -- franchise success, is super fortunate.  I know that I have the mental fortitude (condition be DAMNED) to make the most of this golden opportunity.  As I told the people who showed up today, braving the elements, if boxing did not lead me to being a world champion, to be part of a program that directly affects people lives in a positive way, is way more meaningful.

My manager was more than a little disappointed, but I wasn’t.  I don’t want to deal with more than I can handle and also do the promoting necessary to make it a financial success.  All of this is super difficult for me but in saying that, I have to remember the mission, which ISN’T to help those with Parkinson’s.

Remembering that I am a conspiracy kind of guy, the Rock Steady  website is filled with information on how to run a business, from promotion to location.  I don’t know how much the orgainzation is worth, but the reality is that I am operating and promoting a potentially profitable small business.  This means that I am going to have to rethink how I am going to approach being a small business operator.  Speaking of which…

I will scour what RSB (Rock Steady Boxing) website for their information on franchise building. Right now I have been following another head coach on Facebook, which explains my recent “trolling” of my Facebook friends!  Really, there is no learnable way to start a business… except for starting it and making things happen. 

Tuesday, February 19, 2019


My first Rock Steady class was held on the 18th at Papillion Landing and it was very successful!  I was only nervous because of heading into uncertainty… but also because I was going into uncertainty, I felt comfortable.   Before you go, “contradiction much?’, remember, this is ME talking and to be sure, there is a justification for my confidence (I mean, besides my natural confidence!)

In the writings of one of my favorite strategists, Carl Von Clausewitz, if you are missing confidence in your actions, then you have failed in establishing yourself in one of several primary areas.

We must, therefore, be confident that the general measures we have adopted will produce the results we expect. Most important in this connection is the trust which we must have in our lieutenants. Consequently, it is important to choose men on whom we can rely and to put aside all other considerations. If we have made appropriate preparations, taking into account all possible misfortunes, so that we shall not be lost immediately if they occur, we must boldly advance into the shadows of uncertainty.

I don’t think that there is much call for the logic of a 19th century Prussian war strategists in today’s self-help marketplace (but maybe that is because no one has yet decided to fill that particular space… yet..!), but I think that this paragraph covers what a person should have in mind when they are about to embark on a journey into the mysterious world of risk/reward.

It is more than fine to not possess complete knowledge of your undertaking of passion.  For a leader who is armed with passion, once they have surrounded themselves with people who they can trust and who have knowledge and/or expertise in related areas of the whatever it is one is to begin, that is enough.  And in this small core group, that the most trust is placed in.

As far as the confidence in others is concerned, the absolute most important area of where one has the most confidence in, is the confidence in oneself.  If you do not have self-confidence, how else can one expect positive results if they are not buoyed through the belief that one has in themselves?  Finding people upon whom you can rely upon is NOT something done solely for lessening the burden that is placed upon whoever is the visionary of a project or thing.  Being armed with people who will follow you to the end of your project means that you can concentrate you attentions on the big picture things and to allow those who share your passion to help you achieve your vision.  This is where those who have a burning passion begin to separate themselves from those others who are in the field.  Because it is due to the desire to succeed, and the enthusiasm with which you are pursuing success, that not only will good people want to be a part of your vision, but you will have things just “go your way”, as luck is the residue of hard work.

Tuesday, February 12, 2019



...The greatest  

Finally got my franchise launched in Papillion today!  My partner, who has a long career of project management (to say NOTHING of his local connections) was tireless in getting everything together.  I could not be thankful enough for him or for the woman who put me on the road to Rock Steady.  After all, it was HER connections that provided the impetus for the news story that was done on our training together that certainly “helped grease the groove” as it were.  Things simply began to fall into place and soon I will be “the guy who works out with grammy or pappy” and helps them to keep moving!

Both locations are more than adequate.  Ken, who has worked out at Pinnacle Fitness, can attest to the quality of those facilities.  But I was really impressed with the space at Papillion Landing, where my second (!?!?) franchise will be holding classes, twice weekly.  Another break that I may be getting is that everyone in Papillion Landing will be level 1 or 2 with regard to class assessment.  That means easier to scale the workouts to fit with audience participation.

I hope to learn from my partner… and we are also connected through our service to our country AND North Carolina (he is a Tar Heel native).  Because of the local demographics, I have little doubt that it will be a successful franchise… but not my ONLY successful franchise!

The new club manager at Pinnacle Fitness is as motivated to get Rock Steady off the ground as well.  Her sister succumbed to PD and she wants to be a part of helping other cope with their condition as well.  My nerves is what my increased income will do to my status… but it isn’t something that is worrying to me… the “benefits” from Social Security, such as the insurance, I will just have to go out and see what the market has for me (and that is the last Adam Smith reference in this entry!)

Soon, I will become a “figure in the community”.  That idea is so WILD!!  I have begun to fix my mind around the image of being someone that people look to when it comes to outreach to populations that need help.  I am using this to be the opportunity where I look to check how far I have come… not only because I want to focus on the NOW, but because I always EXPECTED to be where I am… on the edge of something BIG happening in my life.  Not only am I “refusing to lose”, but I am GOING TO WIN.  That is a slight change of mindset that I think is super critical, if not in general, for sure, it is critical for me.

So I have gone from scuffling along on a benefit to running a business.  That is just krazee, isn’t it? good man needs to be justified

It would be nice if I could see the future.  One of the reasons that I don’t want to “journal” is that the dwelling on negative thoughts are counter-productive, at least as far as the stuff that typically can be found in a journal.  But it is well-known that constant review over one’s past, particularly past mistakes, is a recipe for steady fail.  Yet, it is in that reviewing where change can be found and acted upon.  Saying all that to say this… my partner has accepted the fate of our present course.  I don’t plan on not taking care of her, in our coupling, and acting as though we are cool.  Yet I know she knows that I know… and we will figure out the deets when the time is more appropriate.  I will say thought, we are in a race, a race to pull our individual circumstances together so that we can move forward and into our individual…


One of the primary reasons for the dissolution of this particular relationship (...that is, beyond my own idiosyncrasies and flaws) has been the perceived lack of building towards anything concrete, beyond the immediacy of NOW.  Recently, a family incident that did not involve a blow up between us (as if they ever have) further highlighted our differences of perception, and it is EXACTLY these kinds of differences that I had hoped to avoid, from the way that I was carried by Nebraska, to Princess, to the ” Ghost Girls of Omaha”, I am spiritually unmoved by the ideation of love that exists, while not wholly in its classical form, still exists socially.  Mine own conflict, entirely within my own mind and power to inform, wavers, but eventually finds its way back to where it has always been.

Relationships and being in love is not, nor ever has been, a prime mover of my life.  I have carried the guilt of my ex-wife’s young love for a moment.  But my Mom advised me to ...“let her go while she was still young enough to have another chance”, and ever since, I have acknowledged my faults in good faith.  I also expect the other party to do the same and that, that, dear ready, in this case DID NOT HAPPEN.  Too bad that we did not meet when I placed a higher value on the things that make love, “love”.  I have never concerned myself with the disappointment of being alone, because I DON’T CARE.  Have I been opposed to the possibility of love..?  Not at all.  I was, thought, after my first marriage failed.  Then when the universe handed me my Delta Girl… I messed that up.

This has really gotten to be a “dear diary…” type of thing.  But the details of what it has taken for me to get my first franchise going and to have the AUDACITY to operate two is depending on me being able to function and think clearly.  Trying to push these feelings into the background can only work for so long before they take away from the other things that really are important to me.  Tomorrow is a day off… kinda.  The rest of the week… whew… I have not been this busy since the I was at A&T.  Have to be sharp on Wednesday… and get sharper every day subsequent to the preceding one.

Tuesday, January 29, 2019


I found the above paragraph in an article titled, “Why Being Lonely Is Never A Good Reason To Get Into A Relationship”.  The translation to something I found applicable, “Why Being Broke Is Never A Good Reason To Remain Broke”.  In fact, the translation appeared in my brain nearly instantaneously as I read it -- “Why Being Broke Is Never A Good Reason To Remain Broke”.  While neurology is not a strong suit of mine, it would not be that surprising (to me)  that the neurons that fire when a person is under emotional distress are also the ones that fire when someone is undergoing financial distress.  I don’t think it would be a stretch to say that given the emotional connection that many spending disorders are linked with.  So what is it that made the article “being lonely is never a good reason…” comparative to the ideal of  “...never remaining broke”?

I am not going to do a “line-by-line” review.  But the paragraph that began with the line, “You will send the same energy back…”, is the one that hooked me.  My return to this blog mentioned how my “Facebook lurking” of an old friend’s page made me think of how we both had anticipated similar futures for one another and  that I can see that he maintained his focus and definitely sends out into the world the energy that he receives from it.  Personally, I find that it is this point that myself, along with countless others, fall short of doing.  The irony of this being what most people get wrong is that it is also one of the very, very few things within a person’s total control.  Perhaps because it is the easiest of all the reasons that explains what determines success over failure, it is also the one that is most often taken for granted.  As the line goes, “Denial is not just a river in Egypt”, the truth of the matter is that we have control over our destinies is empowering as it is fear-inducing.

One thing that has been a stumbling block of mine recently (within the last 3-4 years) has been the finding of excuses for not being the person that I want to be.  As I read the article and saw the similarities between the want for love, the want for success (defined by the thing(s) that a person most wants out of life) has been the want of the qualities that makes both love and success valued pursuits.  

I have believed that finding a life success is similar to finding a life partner.  How focused and honest one is with their goals and their efforts in obtaining them is no different than finding love in a relationship.  The effort and focus that one puts on the qualities theirin, the closer one comes to achievement.  Yet, when one lacks an honestly and sincerely held objective, then no matter what a person desires, be it love or material (spiritual) things, they will find themselves lost in ambiguity and uncertainties.