...oh, alright ..!

THE CLASH ..!

Read some journals, then came here to make another entry ... and as much as I feel hurt, I will take care not to deliberately try to hurt Mookie's feelings ... but this much is solid ... I will extend myself to lil' Mook, and no, I otherwise don't want to hear from her ever again.  Period.  When we first discussed going our seperate ways, I handled that quite nicely, as she was the one who said that there wasn't a rush ...

I can be tactful ... but there is a part of me that doesn't want to be ... There is a part of me that wants to grind up a beer bottle, sprinkle it over her cereal and tell her, 'it's cinnamon'.  But I won't.

Part of why I am still here is because it is beneficial to both parties ... I can do the things I need to do unhurriedly, and she gets half of her rent ... no worries!

TODAY'S WORD- MANIFEST

That is how I describe being present in my day to day spinnings.  I manifest where ever I go, because if I don't, I won't fit easily into social situations.  Most of my 'being tired' comes not from actual wear and tear, but from keep up appearances without motivation.

Manifestation not only allows me to be seen, but it keep me from NOT SEEING, in many ways.  Because if I let myself 'see' then I would have to act.  And I wanted to give being committed a really, really good run this time.  I will find someone who understands, and someone who gives back what I am giving to them.

I had thought that I had found reasons before to give up on things.  People had wanted me to remain in the relationship I was in with them, but I was like, 'the ref is stepping in ... he's stopping the fight!'.  After Tee Jay, and thinking back to Pecan Sandie (though she was unpredictible, and combustible, she did care for me), I wondered if I had 'bailed' and been shaken by committment from my first marriage.

My sisters' tell a tale of our Mom giving me a 'happy birthday' for getting into a fight with a girl.  What ever it was, I knew then that women were off limits.  When I would tell her how my first wife would jump me, they couldn't believe it.  How could a woman jump on a 200 lbs. soldier/boxer?

It wasn't until Jan and I hung out, and that was the night my first wife threw me out of the house, that anyone believed me.  Anyway, I did my 'Dobie Gillis' thing, kissing the girls and making them cry.  But one day, I sat down and just ... stopped.

I had two more little girls, a million miles away.  I knew I would never get to be with them the way that I wanted.  I already had one little girl who was slipping away despite my efforts.  What was wrong with me?  This isn't what I wanted to become growing up ...

So I stopped.  Then I met Tee Jay.  She was super cool and I found her fascinating.  She was the only Detroit girl willing to have put up with my 'left of the center' style.  She tried what I liked, and some of it, she enjoyed and went again.  She more than had my back.  But I blew that one as well ...

... getting a little tired, for real ... maybe I will find this train of thought in the morning ... if not, getting back 'on message' will just have to do ...