Monday, March 31, 2008

If you have to ask yourself ...

… then you ARE …

My fam knows the one conceit that I have … I think that my first wife resented me for it, because it allowed my confidence to blossom, because she couldn’t deny it. I try to keep it to myself, because I don’t think that I am, knowing full well that I have not allowed it to reach its fullest potential.

In a few comments, it gets alluded to, but I don’t try to let myself believe it. I feel that I have fallen too short to be considered so, but some folks think it, even in the briefest of encounters.

One of the things that I know for sure that I am is genial. Nebraska was able to see that side of me, when we were together. I was in my Ohio State hoodie, when some ladies came up. One of their son’s played for Illinois, and they had just upset the Buckeyes. We had a nice little conversation, complete with the good natured ribbing that comes, and best wishes when it concluded.

That is me. Most of me in fact. I claim being a nice guy on the real.

She also saw what I guess she would term ‘my Detroit’ coming out when I thought that kid (he could have been in his late teens, early twenties … I am 42, so that’s a kid to me!) was running too close to us. That is me, but a very, very small percentage of the time. I used to tell my buds that I am ‘the in case of emergency, break glass’ guy. If someone needs me on the scene, hey, it has to be for one thing … and I am there for that.

But when I lie in bed (or on the couch) to sleep at night, I do so feeling that I am cat who struggles mightily with himself, to find the best answers and make the best choices. I am a thinker, and I have been told among all the positives said about me, what I have cherished most, that I am deep.

By asking, ‘Am I?’, in a way qualifies one as being ‘deep’. Since I struggle with myself, trying to look within to find answers, I need to say that I am. Now who is up to read and excerpt from Hobbes’ ‘Leviathan’?


There are two types of headaches in my life now. The regular, benign Bayer aspirin headaches which tend to occur when I am trying to think the most, ironically enough. And then there are the Blue Meanies, which indicate the onset of a migraine.

The former I have grown accustomed to, as they for me are a signal that either I am really trying to get something, or perhaps something is challenging. Not something that causes me alarm. The Blue Meanies, are another matter.

Sometimes, there is a nausea prior to its coming, and a chance that if I get some caffeine in my body and go sit or lay down in a cool, quiet place, that I can fend it off. That happens, but not often enough to put money on it. And yes, being here is a trigger in my mind. Since I have put all that ‘how this could improve’ stuff away, not going to go into that any more to say that I haven’t had any since the middle of November. Hopefully, this won’t jinx me!

This is something that I don’t do often, and that is talk about what is going on with me. It is going to be short, so don’t blink. Because of my boxing, there are a number of dead cells on my brain, true ‘Dead Zones’, like John Smith’s in the Stephen King book. On the bright side, research is promising, and most of the things I could do to aid in my brain operating better (it isn’t going to ‘heal’ … what it does, it ‘work around’ the area to maintain a level of function), is already a part of my character … so lucky me!

Seriously, I would want this to happen to someone who wasn’t prepared or ill-positioned to deal with this. So really, lucky me, because it is my burden, and I carry it as best I can.


And I will revisit a phrase that I used in the ‘first draft’ of my good bye speech to Mookie, I don't see why you think I am 'pollyanna' yet at the same time, you acknowledge my experience. Which one is it?

I said that to acknowledge that I know that I am a ‘bright side’ kind of guy, but I have been through more than enough to know what’s what, and if I don’t know it, I will be ready for what comes.

But that is me. I feel that me and Nebraska are a ‘final four’ couple, and this season with all the #1 teams making it, you won’t hear a complaint that the best team didn’t win.

Exactly how I feel Nebraska and I would be. Neither would have a reason to feel that the best partner wasn’t there for them. I would put my utmost trust and confidence that we would be happy.

Remember, you are asking ME … and that is how I feel. Part of operating out of this philosophy (well, what else to call the way I think, feel, and live?), is that you recognize and act on your feelings with respect to the notion that others don’t agree with you.

Or love with you.

That is the chance that I have taken my adult life, and other than my starter marriage, I am not complaining, will take the results. Figuring out what may have been holding me back, keeps me positive, because if I wasn’t ready before, I am now!

Just got to keep working on being ready for my moment.


lv2trnscrb said...

Mark, you are deep and a deep thinker; like I said, I have to go back and re-read a lot of your entries; your's is not a journal I can speed read through which is good because I need to give my brain a good work out and I get it at your journal for sure.


libragem007 said...

I agree with Betty's comment, you sure are a very deep thinker, so deep you give yourself a headache! :-D
I read your entries every now and then and it always struck me as an entry from a person who loves to think about everything around him.

You cares, shows in your writings.
Gem :-)

dougsbabygirl31 said...

I get the "Blue Meanies" too. More frequent than you however, lucky! You are a deep thinker and that is refreshing to me.


lisa41076 said...

Mark, thank you for the well wishes, Gatorade is a good way to get rid of a headache too, two glasses does the trick, Hugs Lisa

csandhollow said...

You are a deep thinker and I like that. I do too but I do not write it down as you do. I wish I could but my thinking wont let me.