Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Living In Day-Tight Compartments


You wouldn't think one would need to be told that, but I have always found that it is better to listen to all advice when it is good intentioned. That is what my therapist said to me, put it on a card for me to read when I feel a little buzzed. He also wrote, What is the next thing to do ... NOW.  So I am sitting here at the library, to wait for bible study to begin a little later.

Sometimes, I peek ahead at the future ... only as far as the next block, which is why I 'don't' know where my journey goes from my Dad's house just yet.  That is getting ahead of myself doing that, and I don't want to miss something as I go along.

I don't think, though, there is anything wrong with a little inventory and a little fantasy as I go.  When I come out of bible study (which will be a conversation for another day), I will have accomplished all the goals that I had set before me for today.  Worrying about tomorrow comes when I wake up in the morning.

I also realize that I am going to have to learn how to accept help, and when it doesn't seem to be any offered, ask.  My 'crash and burn' days are done.  *Sigh* It was truly fun while it lasted, my confused, unproductive and disappointing life.  But it was mine, and I liked it. 

Time to make a new one.

SPARTAN (excellent movie as well ... RENT IT!!)

I can see a small, but neat, well-ordered one bedroom apartment.  A little walk-up in a residential neighborhood, right on the bus line.  Opening the front door, you can look right into the living room/work out area (what did you think, and oak table with a matching chairs?) with a free-standing heavy bag in the center, some dumbells in neat rows from 2 lbs. up to 20 lbs.  My boxing gear is in a gym bag in a corner, there is also a chair and small sofa against the wall.

My cd's are stacked near the little entertainment center that houses a television and my stereo.  Around a corner, the dining area/nook is where my desk top sits (sorry lap top people ... that idea will take some getting used to)

Kitchen is small but tidy.  there are a couple of cases of bottled water and sports drinks, which I offer to the clients that come by to get a nice little work out.

... or this ...

The classroom is bustling.  Cooking utensils are clattering everywhere as I am trying to get my assignment together.  I am in a chef's coat, and the instructor is looking over my shoulder as I cut this, and spice that.  I am thinking, 'Just keep calm Mark, by the numbers ... dress right and cover down, you know this, man!'

... ooh, and especially this ..!

The midway is aglow, the smell of popcorn, cotton candy floating through the air.  Sounds of excitement, kids crying, and the rides spinning people around.  Leaving the fair, Skye, KT and Lexxie walk ahead of me, as children are prone to do when they are out with their parents, mindless to anything other than the good time that they are feeling.

It is a warm summer's night and the sky is cloudless.  Walking away from the carnival lights, KT and Lexxie chattering Skye, who tries to affect that teenage 'ugh, I am so bored with my little sisters' look, but she can't stop smiling.  They're happy.  I'm happy.

I look up over head, and the black is seems pierced by an untold amout of pin pricks, with something extremely bright on the other side trying to seep out.  At that moment, it hits me, walking with my babies, and my heart full. 

This is why that title spoke to me, because even though the story itself was sad, I only felt hopeful when I saw those words.

My hand goes into my pant pocket.  Empty, save the dust and crumbs that accumulate when you are at a carnival, and for the for the first time it truly feels like the stars are grains of sand in my pocket.


dougsbabygirl31 said...

I have trouble asking for help when it is needed and I have a hard time accepting it when it is offered. So you aren't the only one. I love to cook, but will never do it professionally. Too much stress.....


rdautumnsage said...

It's never been about accomplishment and riches. It's about finding that center of complete happiness with oneself no matter the surroundings. I still struggle with the horrific nightmares and memories surfacing, yet truthfully on a day to day basis....I'm more satisfied with me and my life than I ever thought possible. There is definitely something to be said for serenity. Now that my daughter is getting her life straight, things can't go anywhere but up. I wish that for you too hon! (Hugs) Indigo

P.S. I've always loved the title of your journal, it's spiritual in more ways than one. (Hugs) Indy

lv2trnscrb said...

I liked reading all your daydreams; the one with your girls would be an awesome one wouldn't it :)


abaleman666 said...

My hand goes into my pant pocket.  Empty, save the dust and crumbs that accumulate when you are at a carnival, and for the for the first time it truly feels like the stars are grains of sand in my pocket.

that is one of the most profound things i have read in a long time.


we are nothing but dust from the stars. . .and to the stars someday we shall return...

dream big