... picking up ...

SPEAKING OF FAITH

This is a good show about humanism, with Harvard's Gregg Epstein ... have to listen to this show again later this week ...WILL BE a point of discussion later this week ...

...NOW, WHERE WAS I ..?

Readers of my drivel, know that I am worried about slipping into denial.  Part of it is due to my condition, because I fall into a circular kind of thinking, and I start thinking of 'new' things as 'always been' things.  Admittedly, I think I am doing better about that.  But even prior to diagnosis, I never liked 'faking myself', you know?

I know that I hurt many folks feelings.  I know that I was callous with the emotions of people.  That I didn't mean it ... maybe that makes me worse than someone who does things with no regard.  Awareness, consciousness give you the reason to change. It also implies a responsibilty. 

Tee Jay was that 'wake the hell up' moment.

NO ONE knows what broke us up... she never told me before I moved from Detroit if she remembers, but my best sister and I couldn't remember ... AND SHE WAS THERE.  That said a lot to me.  How could something so small end up costing me so much?

Talking with my BFF, I told her that I reached a point in my life where I think that I have prolly already met who I am supposed to have been with, and that for a good while, there won't be anyone coming down the pike for me to 'chase'.  Somehow, someway, someone is going to come BACK into my life ...

I 'grandfathered' Nebraska in, because though we hadn't 'met', we did have dealings on line, and there was that 'special Mark connection' that I made with her.  So I stopped dating girls, and just hung out ...

THE VAMPIRE LESTAT

Did I call Mookie?  Must have.  But what is unmistakable is that she ran to Detroit to see me.  For me, that was the sign, as I had told myself that I would not 'go into a home unless I was invited in', like the legendary rule that Vampires had to deal with.  She 'invited me in'.  So for better or worse, here I am.

Another way that the 'Vampire' reference works, is that I do feel as though I have 'sucked the life' from people.  Whether or not it is guilt or true doesn't mean it isn't something that I feel.   This is why sports mean so much to the 'two-beat' brains of men.  You win, you lose.  There is a scoreboard, there are rules to be enforced, and you can measure you ability in a clear, concise manner.  The 'ambiguities' are far clearer as either you contribute to team harmony or through a special skill set, or you don't. 

In sports, you can 'will' yourself through, and act selflessly in the name of the cause.  In life, in love, that is so much harder to do.

I carry the affections I have been given with me.  I feel the weight of what people have hoped for with me.  I could never do enough good, I could never love enough, to ever make up for them.  Pecan Sandie called me an 'emotional terrorist'.  SD said I was 'a cad'.

Oh, it has gone the other way too.  My Delta Girl and Tee Jay said that they feel better able to recognize someone who loves them better, in fact, the former has been married happily for a while (it isn't like I have kept up with her ... she sent me an invitation).  My first wife for some reason feels she knows what she lost, and there was the one girl from the Army that tracked me down ...

... anyway, it is by our losses and our mistakes that we measure ourselves, at least people who struggle with trying to walk a specific, spiritual walk.  At night, even though I feel I had a decent career, it is the fights that I lost that I remember most of all.  There was a brief time where I would not talk about it, and if people looked at me and guessed, I would just say, 'No, that wasn't me, I just resemble him,' because I didn't feel like remembering that I was 'a brave loser'.

I am dealing with my guilt.  I feel fortunate and I do feel favored.  I am not 'rah, rah-ing' myself into believing that something is out there for me ... I WAS TOLD that it was.  Otherwise, how could I keep going?

Mookie is getting ready to run her sister to the airport ... I am just going to run ... Carolina is still dancin', but if she doesn't stop raggin' on Tyler Hansboro, I may just lose my mind ..! (j/k!)