Saturday, March 29, 2008

... another peek at the not-too-distant-future

... is this better ..?

I hope that this makes this a little more bearable.  Sometimes the small letters give me problems.  Now this is fair warning, cause I do feel good, but there are 'corners' in me, dark, bleak places.  Sometimes they want their 'turn at the wheel' so to speak.  So tonight, with the Mook's and her sister doing what ever the heck they are doing (in full disclosure, they did keep me up on the changes, even extended an invitation ... I just don't care to keep her company in public today, Courtney Love's fake is a little better than mine today) to get ready for tonights soiree, I am left feeling anxious about being away from here.

Sometimes I practice what I will say. 

When I am telling you that I can't believe how you have treated this relationship, I mean exactly that.  You are the one who credits me with 'experience', and you are the one who reminds me of how I had a little 'fan club' working at the mall back in the day. 

And I am sure you remember what I used to say about myself ... 'Cats like me NEVER go out of style!'  My BFF, my OWN PHONE that I used to let you answer when I lived in Detroit ... you already what I am know what I am saying, right?

If my first wife could deal with her anger better, I would have stuck that out.  I just couldn't take her resorting to hitting me.  She had her issues, and she wouldn't let me help her work thru them.  Sounds familiar?  It should, because I have asked you repeatedly to let me help you deal, that we are a team and that we can work through this, together we can make the lives we want.

I don't see why you think I am 'pollyanna' yet at the same time, you acknowledge my experience.  Which one is it?  Let me save you the trouble ... no, you DON'T know more than me, and I am not talking about class work.  You don't know enough about relationships to know what you are doing.

The only reason that I am not sneaking out like the previous camper is because of lil' Mook.  I want you to know that I will try to write her, and if she sees fit to call, then I want her to.  You know the who and the where to my next location, so don't play.  You want me to be in her life, it is cool.  You don't, then so be it.

You aren't right, not that you are wrong, but there is something in you that won't let you become a wife.  Period.  I think that is what you Father was trying to tell you when he told you that you'd prolly wouldn't be married.  You aren't willing to trust in yourself ... you should choose someone that you can trust, and if you trust them then let them do their thing.

I don't know what you think about me.  Right now, I don't care.  I told you the story about the ring I gave my wife, right?  How I purchased that ring, not knowing who it was for, just wanting to be ready when I found her.  Why I did that, it isn't for me to answer, it came with the package, came with my character.  But that I picked a ring for you, because I wanted you to know how much I love you, is huge.

But I told you that, didn't I?

Yeah, I know ... experience.  Well, I never really counted it because what I wanted, a marriage, I didn't have.  So I 'hung out' with a couple of women for a little while, and yes, you already know that I was at one time as popular as popcorn at the movie house ... but in my book, it doesn't matter, because I didn't want to ring up numbers, but to take a ring and find ONE.

But you HAVEN'T acted like that, by my count, for over two years, that I matter to you, that beyond what affects Mookie exists a relationship, and that the harmony of its state, matters to the harmony of our soul.    I already told you, your problems are OUR problems.  Talk to me, and we can find a way together.  For whatever reason, you don't seem to think so.

First, I thought maybe I needed to spend more time with lil' Mook, that my parenting skills were part of the problem.  Not that we weren't cool, but if there is more for me to do, then I better do it.

Then, I decided to be more attentive to you.  Massages, scented showers, flowers, poetic emails at work.  But you would come home, and you could go all day without as much as a hello.  You gave the excuse that you aren't that affectionate, and even though you know where I come from, showing you care is a HUGE THING, you couldn't even 'go thru the motions', after I told you that I would take that.  No kisses when you leave in the morning, none when you got home, no kiss good night.  And I TOLD you that is important to me.

Experience.  Here comes 'experience' that you can choose to alter.  I like you enough to be your friend, so if you let lil' Mook call, then we can be friends.  If not ...

... it will be my goal to never have to see you, or utter your name ever again.  I don't expect you to call, as you know, when I get to Detroit, I won't want to hear from you.  Ever.  If I have left something, even if you KNOW it to be important, forget it.  Destroy it.  I have had enough time and opportunity to get anything that I deem critical to me.  My mail is the law, and I expect that to be forwarded with no problem.  I have already put in the order, but I know sometimes they make mistakes.

Don't get caught playing with my mail.  You wouldn't want to see me in that manner.  You ALREADY KNOW THIS.

As to my problems with you ... you had better remember those whinning pleas I made over the last two years, because if you think I WANT you to fix yourself up for the next person with MY help, you have lost your mind.

Do I have to tell you what I think about your prospects?  Though I want you to be able to care for yourself and your daughter, yeah, a pox on your love life. May that aspect of your existence go unfulfilled, and your sisters and your ghetto 'Ya-Ya sisterhood' become spinsters ...

... I have places to go ... good bye ...




mpnaz58 said...

Wow...I'm glad I'm not on the receiving end of that conversation!  Although even though we know we are flawed, it takes a HUGE step to acknowledge it.  I don't think she'll ever admit to being flawed or that she could have in any way contributed to the demise of the relationship.  I think you spoke your piece, peacefully.  I sense turmoil, and even though you're resigned to hitting the road, its still gonna hurt.  Do what you have to do, my friend, for you.  Take care...
xoxo ~Myra

toonguykc said...

This blog is a great tool for you -- I'm honored that you let others read it.


dougsbabygirl31 said...

I sometimes am not that affectionate. But Doug and I ALWAYS kiss good night and he gives me a kiss when he gets home and before he leaves. I had never had this before him. I am not making excuses, I want a relationship where I can talk to the other person. I did not have that with the Warden. I sort of have it here, although for me to open up, is a kind of intimacy that I don't feel in this relationship. Maybe that is because we have NONE. I won't get into it here, but.....


lv2trnscrb said...

I can't see you saying all of this, Mark; I think you will carefully choose your words you say when you leave; I don't see you cutting her to pieces with these words, but then I could be wrong; you, like you wrote in my journal, like words and have a way with them; I think you can kindly say your piece and she'll get the idea; and in the end will it really matter to her? will she change anything because of what you said?


malagutigrrl said...

Wow... This is quite an entry...
Up until now I kind of had the impression that, despite the fact that things weren't  working with you and Mook, there weren't any hard feelings.  It just was what it was (or wasn't what it wasn't).  But I see now that you are really quite angry.  

Makes me wonder if this was apparent all along and I missed it (which is very possible).  Sometimes, I feel like the world is going along without me, even though I'm right here.  My brain seems to have a mind of it's own.  

Glad you're getting out, my friend.  Glad you are getting out.


csandhollow said...

ouch, but good.