GENERAL ORDERS

HOW I'M FEELING ...
Selling sneakers at the Four Season's Mall in Greenboro, I would come out from the stock room and bellow 'HOW Y'ALL FEEL OUT THERE!' Just a general greeting to everyone in the store, because we worked on commission. Who ever looked up, I would stride confidently (let's face it kid ... you don't do ANYTHING without confidence!) to a customer, while the other sales folks on the floor were twiddling their thumbs!

I was a good sales person ... not great, but I did all that I could, running for the $40.00 sale the same way I ran for the $200.00 sale. That is how I would wait tables, sell cars, man, I can 't think of anything that I didn't give what I had ... even if I had to take a big gulp before I dove in.

That attitude is what had me marry my wife, even though I saw many of the flaws in our relationship before I rode her down I-75 to Toledo. Not only was it love, it was arrogance too. I can be quite cocky. I don't fear failure, simple as that. But what I didn't do, was 'plan' too good!

Not going to be one of those 'pity' entries. I am a reg'lar person, and I know that I feel blue sometimes. But I don't stay down, even when maybe I should. Eh, what are you gonna do?

Whenever I get to wishing I had something or other in the past, the next question that comes to mind is 'why don't you make it so, now?' And that leads me to ...

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

That is a lie I won't tell myself, because I know that I am going to do something. One of the immediate appeals that Mike Singletary's press conference after he sent one of his players to the locker room during a game, was his 'power point' outline of how things are going to be done while he was head coach.

The way he spoke, putting things in groups of three, is a very effective way of speaking. It is direct and simple. He reminded me of some of my instructors from the service,and the three general orders that I was given in Basic Training. Following those three things alone, would have made anyone a good soldier. As it was, I did alright with it!

One of the reasons that I put them with my 'Rules To Live By' is that I want to believe in them. Period. Because of my issues from boxing, it seems like I was given the cards to play my hand at the right time. I had written down stuff and misplaced things that meant something to me, for what ever reason. In the late 90's, I started cobbling things together (actually, I need to start scrapbooking this stuff!) that spoke to me.

The first General Order is :
1) I will guard everything within the limits of my post and quit my post only when properly relieved.

In a relationship, particularly in the observations I have made, one of the big problems comes with the submission part of it. That is what I think this is about, about being able to do what is required of you, until you can't anymore.

Sometimes, Nebraska would ask if my feelings were changing, because I still had my strong feelings for Mookie. After all, she was 'who I thought she was', and that included how attractive I wanted my partner to be. But the deal I had signed up for, was to be her partner and hopefully it would lead to matrimony. This included washing her clothes, helping raise her daughter, and provide whatever I was called on to do as her partner, as best I could.

Until I was, 'properly relieved'.

(dims light, candle lit, hood on) In my less enlightend relationships, you could almost count on the woman to find a way to be lemming-like, and expect to survive their fall for a cat. The stereotypes act like guidelines and people follow right along. You see a klatch of women talking about their broken affairs, being two timed, being 'the jump off', and suffering the disinterest and maltreatement, that I feel it is impossible for them to come up with anything constructive.

Yet they listen to stuff that you wouldn't get from the 'Mr. Bad Advice' web page. And when it fails ... they cannot fulfill the first General Order, and as to their suitors ...

EQUAL TIME

Yeah, I am going to get there ... just not today. Personal News Flashes are : Spoke with Tee Jay, not with AKA and got a Saturday wake up (though I was already awoke!) call from the Fly Skimmie. No need to 'sort' any of that stuff out ... may come out in the wash. But March isn't going to be about that for me, because I said so!

FORGOT TO MENTION ...

...didn't only 'Skye-write' ...

... but I wrote Tee Jay too. Like referee Joe Cortez, would like to think that I was 'firm but fair'. Too much 'whatever, whatever', vibe coming from her. I mean, does that change how I feel about her? No ... but what can I do?


THEORY AND PRACTICE


Another reason that I get that 'understanding' about potential confrontations with those who are close to me, is that what people think and what they do, often are two different things, for multiple reasons.


'Theory and Practice', is about the discipline that takes to sit there, come up with a full plan, and work it to its fruition. It is about not only saying what you want, but also doing what you believe will bring you what you want, as a part of a well thought out course of action.


There are some people who are 'Muhammad Ali', who can say to a big George Foreman that I am going to stand there in front of you and beat you. Those are people who know early on what it is going to take to reach their ambitious goals.



Then you have your 'Buster' Douglas kind of person, who can't tell you how they are going to make things happen, only that their expected result is to 'knock him on his a$$', which was his answer when asked what was his plan for Tyson after the fight.



I haven't done what Napoleon Hill has, gone to rich and powerful people and ask them how they got to where they did. Nor have I felt that I was tasked like Job, and had to bear what he did. But because they have walked the path, and as other have before and since, there is a worn path to fulfillment.



But it is narrow.



"Freedom is a road seldom traveled by the multitude." - Fredrick Douglass

It comes down to the aphorisms and parables that we casually toss around each day. We read them and as Churchill said about men and truths, that men " ... occasionally stumble upon the truth, but most pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing has ever happened."

"No man with a good car, needs to be justified." - sample from Ministry's 'Jesus Built My Hot Rod

That phrase stayed in my mind as I tried to make my way up the ranks, an 'upstate cat' fighting down in Carolinas, in the face of convention. Isn't it supposed to be you go from the small towns to the big city? Couludn't I have done what I needed to do in Detroit, which is to boxing as football is to Texas?

That just wasn't my path. I was on my path. I feel that had my determination been greater and my discipline stronger, I would have indeed written my name in the lights. It doesn't matter where you start from, but how you finish. The reason there aren't any 'overnight sensations' is that someone has been somewhere, doing their 'roadwork' in the dark of the early morning, running relentlessly.

Because others have come from where I have been, some from more dire circumstance, to achieve great things by any measure, I know that I am capable of reaching the goals that I have set before me. I have found what my formula is going to be, and I need to stick to it, until it brings about the results that I desire.

FIGHT SCIENCE

THEY REALLY DO ... SURPRISINGLY SO, I MIGHT ADD!!

This is a video mash up of Bas Rutten, who is some kind of mixed martial arts fighter. He has a six minute video of practical self defense on You Tube as well. Don't know how much it is worth to anyone to check out ... I mean, the days of scrapping should be long behind most adults, right?

The thing about his full length video, Bas Rutten Self Defense course, is that the first two sequences, are things that I feel very comfortable in teaching. In fact, the moves are what I would teach my twin sisters, and what I would start off with anyone in trying to 'win a fight'.

What put this front and center on my mind today, is that I was watching 'Fight Science' on the National Geographic channel last night, and of the martial arts that were demonstrated, the boxing punch was the blow that was most likely to generate a knockout. The thing about that is, you need certain conditions to actually accomplish this. Still, I wasn't surprised. I remember it being said that Thomas Hearns could generate 1500 pounds of force with his right hand ... and when you realize that the show was using 1000 lbs. of force as what you would need to generate a knockout ...

WHAT IS AGGRESSION?

In my mind, aggression in a fight begins the moment you have decided to physically impose your will (i.e. 'kick someones arse!) on another person. Not that I am one to 'wait' for an invitation. The other day, over at Nutwood Junction, the topic of when to intercede came up. For me, it is like the porno ... you don't know what it is, but you do know it when you see it.

Me, I don't mind asking someone if they are alright, if like there is a woman sniffling at table and some cat mean muggin' her ... I don't mind being called out my name, and I don't scare easily, if at all. And in my mind, that has me on alert, because if you don't expect a threatened reaction, then you should keep to yourself, and let someone else get involved (which, is NOT the worst thing) directly.

Yet once I have decided to ask, I am 'ready'. Now, a standing instruction, an 'order' almost, is that if I do decide to get involved, that whoever is with me, get to safety and/or get help. What I DON'T WANT is their help, or for them to try to 'prevent' what may happen. That is why when Nebraska pulled me back from that cat who was running 'around' us (since she says he wasn't running at 'near' us ... but he was too damn close to me!) it was a matter of me trusting her. I like to get off with the first punch, because it is kind of second nature for me to 'beat up' someone ...

Once I have decided that it is indeed, 'go time', I am not going to be hesitant. If who ever is with me, is doing they have to do, which should be getting safe and getting help IN THAT ORDER, then I can do my 'work'.

And it isn't that I am that 'bad of a cat' ... more like I know I can do what I can do. I have had to find that out under certain conditions that the average person hasn't come close to experiencing.

WINNING TIME

Often in fights, the difference is made when the fight is up for grabs. And this circles back to aggression and how it is applied. I know what I am looking for, and what keys that is going to unlock my victory. Thinking about a situation between a couple, or a parent and child, one of the problems with getting in the middle of that kind of mess, is that you don't know where 'help' is going to take you.

So once I have reached the conclusion that I am going to do something, it comes with the consideration that the person that I am supposedly helping doesn't want or desire my help. There is also the possiblity that this person you are 'rescuing' will fight you.

Which is why 'winning time' begins with the moment you have decided to do something to intervene. And the best thing to win, is to go for the fastest, most decisive kind of win there is. In teaching my twins on how to fight, I tell them that the most important factor is the committment to winning. I would show them how to 'step thru' the uppercut to set up the hook, and how the hook would put them into position to throw another uppercut with the same hand.

Pulling back that second uppercut, a knee shot to the groin from the leg on the same side of the uppercut hand, should get you to the 'second level'. For them, I would tell them to either get away or grab a weapon and use it. Me ... aw, don't want to say what I would do, cause it will sound like bragging. But I do know what it would mean for whoever was on the recieving end ...

... and if there are any 'hurt feelings', I apologize, from the 'winning' side of things.

FINALLY ...

BUT FIRST, NEWS BRIEFS


The Fly Skimmie got the HUGE promotion! I was among the 'top ten' in her early morning phone calls.


I was sooo excited and happy for her, I forgot why I was in the crap Super Wal-Mart at 0700hrs ... yeah, I will prolly talk to her first before I get ahead of myself about 'us' (oh, and you didn't think there would be an 'us', to talk about??). One project at a time.



As far as my 'prospective date' ... sorta of got a 'non answer answer', which tires the squirrel on the treadmill out. And he is taking a break. Along with the Skimmie, that will be processed later.



THE ECLECTIC METHOD



ECLECTIC:
Selecting or employing individual elements from a variety of sources, systems, or styles: an eclectic taste in music; an eclectic approach to managing the economy.
Made up of or combining elements from a variety of sources: “a popular bar patronized by an eclectic collection of artists, writers, secretaries and aging soldiers on reserve duty” (Curtis Wilkie).n.
One that follows an eclectic method.



The first time I remember being called 'eclectic', it was when I arrived in Greensboro. This Bennett Belle used that adjective in describing me, calling me 'one of them eclectic brothers'. I took it in stride, after all it was better than what some of the 'brainwashed followers' had called me previously.



Still shaking off the drearies from my starter marriage, I told myself that I wasn't as shell shocked as I think I obviously, in retrospect, was. This was one time where I think I was in a little bit of denial. Not to digress, but on college campuses, I want to say that I began to refine my search parameters, as to finding a potential partner.

It was said in a comment about a potential partner for me, that she would need to be intelligent ... I prefer the term 'aware' because I have never been as smart as I may seem to be. A lot of that comes from diversity in my interests. I know enough about many things, and pick up quickly as I go. Oh, and that I am confident in what I am trying to do.

And this leads in to the ...

METHOD:
A means or manner of procedure, especially a regular and systematic way of accomplishing something: a simple method for making a pie crust; mediation as a method of solving disputes. See Usage Note at methodology.
Orderly arrangement of parts or steps to accomplish an end: random efforts that lack method.
The procedures and techniques characteristic of a particular discipline or field of knowledge: This field course gives an overview of archaeological method.

What seems to others to be disparate and random, depends on a person's level of understanding of the process (or processes) involved. And if it is one person, then that is who must understand the purpose of what is going on, and where all efforts being made, should lead.

Can't recall when I didn't think that I would 'make something happen'. Even now, with all the different issues and challenges that I face in simply going outside and down the street, I somehow still think that I can get a degree, buy a house, give my daughters aways at their weddings AND find that super cool person to become the 'frick' to my 'frack'.

That I pull from an array of different areas, does not invalidate how I go about achieving what I desire. There are things that are constant and apply to everyone, including me. Working hard, and earning what you get are two that come to mind. Faith and belief are two more.

In short, 'the eclectic method' is how I have chosen to define how I am going to go about living the life that I dare to dream. The constants are that faith in the things that I am doing will bring about desired aims; belief that I can accomplish my ambitions; being willing to work as hard as it takes to reach those goals and thereby earning what I am focused upon are in my mind, 'present and accounted for'.

I feel many people are undone by doubts, doubts that would not exist save for the outsiders, people who motivated by good conscious or their subversive envy, that question the purpose of what someone is about to do. Falling back on 'the constants', the bedrock of what achievement is about, will keep me from being overly concerned about whether or not I have made the right choice, or can achieve my goals.

DIRECTION

...it's from '6 Feet Under'


Did not watch the show ... but of course, I listen to the band that made this little song.

As I listen, I do think that I get good glimpse of the mood of the show. Who doesn't need a little direction every now and then?

One of the reasons that I feel squirrely is that I wish that I could chase the impostor that is uncertainty out of my mind. Sometimes, 'getting over myself' is easy ... right now, it hasn't been so simple.

Wouldn't mind channeling a lil' Walt Kowalski right now.




A VERITABLE PICK ME UP

Got a package today, in an Amazon.com box. First thought was that I ordered something and forgot that I did it!! (and yes, that is what you think it is ...) Instead, it was a gift, a fabulous book by Stephen King!! The book, 'Desperation' is one that I draw a lot of parallels from, much the same way a lot of adolescent boys see themselves in Salinger's 'Catcher in the Rye', or how a lot of the teen girls are going ga ga for Stephanie Meyer's 'Twilight' books. When I read it again, I am sure that I will be posting about it.

Went out and was forward with someone of the opposite sex! Possibility always gets me excited. I am not one for sitting around and hoping that someone is delivered at my front door. In asking someone out, 'no' is so not the worst thing you could hear.

What do you do when they say 'yes'? No THAT'S when the fun begins!!

Nebraska's a little sore at me, because of my constant rehash over how 'for real' I am about moving to Nebraska. At first, I was like 'so?!?'. There are plenty of 'known, unknowns' floating about. Why shouldn't I be this way ... then I thought about why SHOULD I keep on like I was, and I couldn't come up with any reason as to why I would want to continue on beating that drum.

Part of it, has to do with the 'mission creep' I am experiencing. *sigh*, I guess it was inevitable. One has to do, what one has to do.

My movie, 'Slumdog Millionaire' did super at the Oscar's ... of course, I fell asleep and missed most of it. Glad that it did ... and I will have to see 'The Reader' at some time in the near future.

If things go well, perhaps Wednesday I will go see 'Frost-Nixon'. Some films I simply want to see in a theatre, for the experience. Lots of times, you 'bond' thru movies and you get to chat up people on the way out and enrich the experience. I can't forget the lady who would have the entire theatre weeping when I saw 'Antwone Fisher'. It was this big white lady, who started her sniffling early on.

Can remember thinking that she must have some personal stake in the movie, a son, or maybe it parallels something in her life. Whatever it was, she STRONGLY related to it, and it permeated the entire theatre. Don't think there was a dry eye in the house when it ended.

Ooh ... shaved my 'goat' this weekend, as well as the cheesy moustache that wouldn't attach to it. Just for something different. It will grow back, so I am not at all worried about it.

Well, I am going to finish re-reading 'Quiet Strength'. Oh, and sketch out my new personal paradigm (actually, I snickered at the corporate speak when I had to sit in on those crumbly meetings where I worked!). Take care all y'all!!

Limping To The Finish of February

MOVIE NIGHT ...

... not. At the precise time I was starting out, it was blustery and snowing. I thought how big of a butthole I would have been, trying to get all the way out to Birmingham, if it was as bad as forecasted.

It wasn't. IMO, it did not even remotely approach the prediction of 6" of snow that I heard in one report.

So in a word, yesterday 'bit, and bit hard'.

POLICY CHANGES

I have decided to make some key changes in my direction, because they are necessary and important in my keeping my focus on where I intend to go.

Sent what will be my last letter encouraging a 'date' to Skye and her Mother... and don't anyone DARE go, '...oh, but Mark ...'. Get here, be here, and see it all so you can make an informed decision. After all that, you can still keep it to yourself. Not going to slag on my ex wife, but it takes more than my incompetence alone to cause my daughter to feel this way about our relationship. It is particularly telling that when she was in elementary school, we were cool. Whatever happened, happened. That is between her and her Mother. I will always love my baby ...

... will keep her 'updated', but I am not going to ask her to do more than what she has chosen to do already. I will still K.I.T, just won't look for her to answer back.

Barring the unseen, I don't think that I will be mentioning Tee Jay too often anymore. Remember, in a long and distinguished career, Mookie was the very first 're-date' kind of relationship I had. Thought the idea of this 'ex list' was done so I could keep Tee Jay in my mind, the doing part of this, is a huge challenge. Honestly, I have no idea of how I am supposed to go about getting back into someones life, once we have said our good bye and everything.

For me, it is precisely that 'I KNOW YOU', that keeps me from wanting to make any effort to get back with someone. Whether it was my fault (which of course, it usually was) or their fault (and that did happen ... once ... maybe twice!) that intimate knowledge has kept me from being too enthused at the prospect of winning someone back over.

SO WHA' CHA WANT?

Don't know how long this is going to 'run' ... but anywho, between me knowing someone, for all their sugar and spice, it isn't like they don't have their own warts. Some women think that the sole reason that they have poor relationships, is that their partners are slugs, dogs, what have you. They don't account for what they may or may not have done that contributed to either choosing poorly or causing the relationship to fail.

When I sat across from Tee Jay at our dinner date, I had to accept that there were certain traits that were going to be in our relationship, I would have to change how I looked at the world, and lobby for certain things to be part of an 'us' objective.

Single, I wouldn't have to do that. In a new relationship, I wouldn't have to do that. Going back and bothering with someone I already know thinks that I am this and that (see, it is a FCC requirement that I inform readers that this and that aren't related), I would have to involuntarily cram myself into a box.

For example, if me and a mosh pitting Catholic school teacher decided over coffee at Beaners to hang like laundry on the wash line, it would be cool to make 'alterations' to make that perspective relationship work. Now, once our
individual compulsions decided that they couldn't work, that would be fine too. Whether she still wanted to have a go at it, or I DID, once we have reached the point where we've turned and headed away from 'us', I am going to find a way to deal with it, and not look back, save to learn and grow from it.

The closest I had ever came to maybe changing how I handled the end game, came with Tee Jay. We had several 'dates' after we broke up, all of them ending with me dropping her at her house ... no stops. I couldn't find a way to say that I still wanted her ...

I would write letters ... the first two or three months I was still upset over SOMETHING ... can't remember what it was, but there had to be something there, because I kept referencing it. After about three months of writing, the tone changed, and I just would wish her well, want her back but understand that I blew my chance. And that was how I would write for THREE YEARS.

How do I know all this? Because I NEVER MAILED THE LETTERS. Pride, principle, whatever it was, I couldn't let myself mail them to her. Better for her to have moved on, and for me to do the same. I have always been willing to look forward to what's next, not to be lost in what was ...

... still hanging on to them ... why? I dunno. But now that I am 'talking them up', it is unlikely that they will make the trip to Nebraska.

COMING SOON: THE ECLECTIC METHOD!

Popping Out

Sorta worn down tonight ... been a full day.

Saw 'Gran Tourismo' ... very good movie, but as I told Beth over at Nutwood Junction, we have seen this from Clint before. It is that he simply does what he does far better than anyone else does what they do.

Somehow, I want to see 'Frost-Nixon' tomorrow ... and may squeeze in '...Benjamin Button' before the Oscar's. 'Slumdog' should win best picture. I think it was amazing, seeing the raw scenes of Mumbai. There has been some folks in India taking issue with it, because it is so far fetched.

But that is why it works, not just in America but anywhere. I know about the social system over in India (makes the simple prejudice here in the US, pale in com
parison) and that is what makes the film 'impossible' for them. Also the term, 'Slumdog' is the 'N-word' in their ears.

That takes a little of the shine off it for me, but it is still a great film.

EVERYBODY ELSE IS DOING IT ...

... so why shouldn't I? A top ten list, of course. I got the idea from Facebook ... so I wanted to put down some thoughts regarding some albums I like ... I forgot to mention, '2112' by Rush, which I point to as the album that had me drop WJLB and start listening to other radio stations, esp. CKLW at night and Canadian Radio 2. And here goes, a list of ten albums.


1. The B52's/ The B52's - 'Party Mix'

While everybody 'claims' 'Rock Lobster', and it is a great song, 'Planet Claire was the one that took them from novelty to being a real band. I can still remember goofing around with my sibs, singing 'There's A Moon In The Sky'.

'Dance This Mess Around' reminds me of how I would feel at the odd parties I would go to ... I would look at everyone, because 'everybody was there' and they would do the dances, but not me, holding up the wall.

2. The Smiths - 'Hatful of Hollow'

While my fave song from Moz and the boys was 'How Soon Is Now?', the first song from them was the amazing 'This Charming Man'. I remember listening to this cassette tape (that is what we had back when dinosaurs walked the earth) from the mournful, 'Please, Please, Please ...' to the cocky 'Handsome Devil', these songs stay in my mental IPod on regular rotation!

3. Public Enemy - 'It Takes A Nation Of Millions To Hold Us Back'

Proactive and confrontational, this is THE rap album that spoke for the dissatisfaction with the condition of blacks in America. Wasn't meant to be 'liked', it sold a message because Chuck D BELIEVED in his message. PE never wavered from its roots, making society stand up an listen to what black America was saying and feeling.

No, I don't think it is an overstatement to say that they spoke for those who had no way to voice their discomfort or make people notice the issues that were important to them. This, like 'Nevermind', is a all time, all music, top ten album. I don't think I can claim another piece of music that had as much social significance as this.



4. Ministry - 'Psalm 69'

Before this particular release, I was more of a dabbler in the rock music genre. I liked some bands ... 'The Cars', 'ELO' ... and a few louder bands, but nothing in my collection made me feel like 'Psalm 69' did, not if 'Land of Rape and Honey', which a lot of folks feel is at least, if not better than 'Psalm 69'.

Each time I try to choose a particular song from 'N.W.O', 'Just One Fix', and 'Jesus Built My Hot Rod', I get fouled up, because I can't. They all rock super hard to me.

5. Run DMC - RUN DMC

This was the first rap album that was tight from beginning to end. Sure, 'King of Rock' would be the one that launched them into pop consciousness, with the duo rapping over guitar riffs, but they came out doing that on their first album, in the song 'Rock Box'.

I was still trying to be 'hip hop', and it was easy to do with this album. Each song, is a 'lead single' kind of tune. Running to this song for an hour was easy, because you only had to turn it over and keep steppin'.

6. Nirvana - Nevermind

I think I had a cd or tape called 'Bleach' by Nirvana, that I picked up out of a cut out or somewhere for a dollar or two. When I saw 'Nevermind' in the store, I shrugged and picked it up. To say that I listened to this cd once a week, every week, for a year would still prolly be an understatement.

Now, it got to be trendy to rag on 'grunge' music and the movement that Kurt Cobain personalized, but that was just people hating on him. 'Teen Spirit' had captured the zeitgeist of its era. This album I think still holds up to all the other 'best of' albums ... as a 'Top Ten' member.

7. The Clash - London Calling

Like The B52's, I think that as great (hey, they are the only band that matters!) they are, in general they get pigeonholed by wider society as a 'punk' band. They were so much more than that.

Punk, pop, rock, soul, SKA ... they could do it all. 'London Calling', I think carries so much personal weight for me ... makes me think in a heavy way. One of those songs made for looking out over lakes or in blue skies with puffs for clouds, and asking what does anything mean.

8. Devo - Oh No, It's Devo

Trying to avoid redundancy, this album that I had on vinyl got played over and over. The video for 'Time Out For Fun' was one that made my eyes spark. The title song, asked questions of me that apparently are timeless, because I still can play that cd, and go to 'that place'. There was a local DJ on one of the hip hop stations, that would play cuts from this particular album, and I would think that all the cool cats who were into the same ol' r&b (rap and bullspit!!) were being indoctrinated subliminally on some devolution theory!!

9. The Cars - Panorama

I would buy albums for just one song ... and though I liked this one, I only bought it for 'Panorama'. Prolly because the song described how I feel about being with someone. Delta, Fly Skimmie ... NEBRASKA ... all I ever wanted to be was in their 'Panorama'.

The Cars were a very underrated band. Maybe being popular, it took the edge off of their music. Great sound, and a guilty pleasure, I guess.

10. Wu Tang Clan - The 36 Chambers

Man, when this cd dropped, it was like a mega ton bomb!! This was different in style and it really got me hyped ... though it took me a minute to really get 'into' it (when it comes to 'what's hot', it usually takes me some time to 'warm up' to it myself!)!

When I started boxing in Carolina, I would tell people that I used the 'Wu-Tang style' of boxing!! It felt and still feels as aggressive and forward as a good rap album should. And like PE did with '...Nation of Millions ...', it carried the emotion of its time.

LET'S BE QUICK ABOUT IT!!

BECAUSE I JUST DEAL ...

And I don't really know the 'cast' intimately, I don't really chat much about them. My role in the house is to be a 'senior officer', and that is about it. But sometimes, there are 'teachable moments', and one occured today, and it was dealing with washing the dishes.

I don't question who washes the dishes when I don't do it, but WHOEVER is doing it that isn't me, doesn't do a good job. This evening, my 8 year old nephew was, IMO, making a freaking mess. Telling him to stop what he was doing, was not going to be good enough ... he sincerely wanted to be helpful by doing the dishes.

Though I wanted to watch the rest of 'Kath & Kim' and then, 'The Office', I stopped and explained to the little guy about the way I wash dishes. Showed him how I feel they should be stacked and managed ... not only that, I told him WHY I do it the way I do (AKA says I have some OCD to me which I replied with an eye twitch and a throat click), and compared my work to some of the 'previous efforts' that was stacked in dish rack.

As it were, the lesson caused me to miss the rest of 'Kath and Kim' AND nearly all of 'The Office' ... except for the last scene where Jim and Pam are miles apart and they are 'sharing' the same mind ... that is sooo neat. Would love to be that way with someone.

I DON'T THINK YOU WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL

That was a cool line from '30 Rock'. It was part of the 'Six Sigma' episode that was rerun. While I could have done without the Tracy Jordan-Kenneth the NBC page thread, the one between Frank the slob writer and Jenna, one of the 'stars' of the fictional show was hilarious to me.

That they hooked up and the flip flop was rich. Jenna felt slighted that Frank wouldn't 'talk her up', as one of his lucky conquests. So she blabbed, and when it got out ... yuks abounded!!

Though it was a rerun, the thread with Liz Lemon and Jack Donaghy was very good. It was a familiar one, as I have played the Liz Lemon part enough times in my life. Never got the time to be Jack ... was Frank, if you believed the hype ... but I want to think I was more discriminating than that. Anywho, getting to Liz and Jack, I have no doubt that I am that kind of friend to anyone I call a friend.

After Jack 'switched' to his friends at the retreat, poor Liz was left on her own, even as the other 'serfs' made her feel isolated, when Jack needed help, she not only took a bullet, she went ahead and dived on the grenade!

DECISION TIME

Now, I have taken some bullets for people ... I have dived on a grenade one time as well. But I have also put people in difficult positions, and that is what was part of what had me decide to stop being a jerk or whatever else I was called. I knew that I was better than that.

Did not need to symp out to The Smiths ... or to as Jack Donaghy said, to expect that my life was wired to be like "... the 2nd half of a Judy Blume novel," to Liz Lemon. I had to be stronger and I have chosen to be stronger and better as well.

The BAD song (that's Big Audio Dynamite for the uninitiated!) "Rush" kind of gets at how I feel sometimes. Even when I want to beat myself up, I also realize I have taken my share of hits, and have recieved what I had coming to me.

Now, "I gotta get my self right out of here."

If I had my time again Iwould do it all the same

And not change a single thing Even when I was to blame

For the heartache and the pain That I caused throughout my years

How I loved to be your man Through the laughter and the tears

Sorta of says what I am sorta kinda saying ... anywho, did speak to Tee Jay last night, and haven't processed the conversation ... but the early returns show that nothing is trending towards change. Maybe it will help with the current 'processing' I am doing.

This was random ... I really liked the flow of the last 5 minutes of 'The Office' into this particular rerun of '30 Rock'. Hope everyone had a nice evening, and will have an even nicer weekend, snow or not!!

HOW MANY HAVE YOU DATED, pt. 2

Now these are broad generalizations ... list that has made the rounds and I've kept it because it was funny to me. Now, you can raise your hand in front of the monitor if you recognize any of the following descriptions ... you don't have to tell anyone if it resembles you or not, they likely already know!!



THE NINE TYPES OF GIRLFRIENDS



1. Ms. Nice Gal - "tickets to the boxing match? Oh darling, you shouldn't have."

AKA: what a Girl, Precious, One of the Boys, Doormat
Advantages- Cheerful, Agreeable, Kindly
Disadvantages- May wise up someday


2. Old Yeller - "You spineless good-for-nothing-no talent SOB! Can't you see you're making me miserable?"
AKA: She-Devil, Sourpuss, The Nag, My Old Lady
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, Throws frying pans


3. Sickly - "Oh my head, my head. My feet. My cramps."
AKA: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious

4. The Boss - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look!
AKA: Whipcracker, Sergeant, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain
Advantages: Often right
isadvantages: Often right, but so what?



5. Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home or hair color?"
AKA: the Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

6. Wild Woman - "I've got an idea. Let's get drunk and make love on the front lawn. I've done it before. It's fun!"
AKA: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Unconscious
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable, Drives off cliffs


7. Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in thos silly cartoons you keep snickering at."
AKA: No Fun, Humorless, Cold Fish, Iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your Friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends


8. Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship."
AKA: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, Unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud


9. Ms. Dreamgirl (or Beth!) - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I want to make love to you like a crazed weasel."
AKA: Ms. Right, goddess, Knockout, Perfection, The One
Advantages: Funny, Intelligent, Uninhibted
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you.

HOW MANY HAVE YOU DATED?

IT WAS OVER TEN YEARS AGO

I can say that for most of my 30's I played it as straight as I could have with relationships, at the very least that was my goal. To be a good egg, and for people to get 'what they hoped was inside' the package. But in my 20's ... whoo boy, what is the line I used, full of the Godfather's "Cause I Told You So" arrogance? 'Pretty is as pretty does, and I did it every where!',is what I would say to young women, when they were dare ask me about 'that stuff'.

NOW, I DIDN'T SAY IT WAS 'RIGHT'

But I've always felt that women didn't take into account some of the more obvious things about men. First, there are only 9 kinds of men, and they all fall into these categories, to varying degrees, but generally speaking, this is it. Recognize them, and if you have already 'met' them, use that experience to learn from them and this guide to help reinforce those teachings. Ready?

1. Joe Sensitive - "after I was the dishes, let's cuddle, okay?"
a.k.a : Mr. Nice Guy, Family Man, Honey, Darling, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved' irons own shirts
Disadvantages" Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

2. Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. the world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV."
a.k.a : Grumbles, Sour-puss, Stick-in-the -Mud, Old Fogey, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put, predictable
Disadvantages: Pain in the butt

3. Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
a.k.a : trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages" Easily spooked; Surrenders without a struggle

4. Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
a.k.a : Lummox, Ignoramamus, Galoot, the Hulk
Advantages" Can tote bales, is easily fooled
disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

5. Lazybones - "Zzzzzz."
a.k.a : Lucky Dog, Parasite, Hobo, Bum, Sleepyhead
Advantages: Well rested, easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams

6. The Sneak - "Who me?"
a.k.a : Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, SOB
Advantags: May feel pangs of guilt
Disavantages" May be having time of his life

7. Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels."
a.k.a : the Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

8. The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--"
a.k.a : Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Story Teller, Fool
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages : Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"

9. Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht."
a.k.a : Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy, Bucko the Clown
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to near extinction

Hope this made y'all smile ... and yes, there is a female version to this list as well!

WHAT'S SHAKING IN THE SPO ..?

FIRST, LANGUAGE ADVISORY!!!
This is NOT your current Alec Baldwin!! Trust you me on this!!

I would watch this with my trainer, to 'get into character' for fights. This is how you motivate men on the front lines. One of the secrets to generating and motivating groups is when the rubber meets the road, what are you going to do?

Sitting down, 'Mr. BMW' (Alec NEVER told them his name ... they weren't even worthy to make his aquaintence!) and his chat with Ed Harris' character was Master Card commercial worthy (it's priceless).

I like the current season of '24', and the woman president. There is enough feminity in her to let you know she is a leader, but she is all business. There was a decision where her husband's life was in the balance ... and she chose to further endager him!! She said to the effect, 'she could not ask the American people to make a sacrifice she herself wasn't willing to make.' It was a tough call, but she never flinched. First hubby would have been toast, were it not for the redoubtable Jack Bauer.

The first time I got a glimpse of how 'tough' women can be, was when my Mom drug me up at the butthole of the day, to go skate because I wanted to play hockey. Back then, THERE WEREN'T ANY black players, but me. It took a season before the cats at the rink got off my case ... skating around, not so much.

Then, there was golf ... I would have to catch the bus, carrying my bag, which was bigger than me. Get to Livernois and 7 mile, then hike up to Palmer Park to take my lessons. I only remember missing one ... and you have one guess why I only missed the one lesson!

Oh, let's not forget boxing. I won my first couple of fights, then I lost a fight where I had knocked the kid down, but ran out of gas. When the post fight meet and greet went down, and my trainer said, 'You know, your son could be a good fighter, but he needs to work on his stamina', she asked what did I have to do , to develop it?

"Well Mrs. Johnson, the first thing he needs to do is his road work."

And like soldiers, boxers run in my family. She knew what he meant.

The next Sunday after that fight, once we finished my paper route, she drove me to the Livonia Mall, about 5 miles away. At the corner of 7 mile and Middlebelt, she told me to 'get out and run home'.

Eventually, I would figure out a way to get into doing my road work. But the message was recieved.

... now that you should know what 'PSK means' ...

Security, Plans, and Operations. That is what that means. There are some things that have been changing around me ... and how the changes are going to affect my timetable is causing me a little restlessness right now. I will have to write them down and look at what's what. Nothing bad, at least not as far as I can tell. But I don't want to hazard a guess ...

Too bad they don't make ruby slippers in Men's size 13!! For sure, I would 'click them together' and I would be home ...

...oh, that's part of the process too

See, they are FRATERNAL not IDENTICAL!

Some of my entries. Means that whatever was on my mind, obviously was still in there, for whatever reason.

PSK, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

It means, that Mark still likes booty rappers from the beginning of the 90's!! Line from the Schooly D song of the same name ... a truly booty song! I have no idea of what it even means to me, let alone to a ParkSide Killer. It sounds better than the banal catch phrases that people use today in lieu of any real intelligent dialogue.

Boy, you talk about losing points when you pull something out of the mouth of one of Tyler Perry's character's, or you think that Kanye West put together a phrase that is worth repeating ...

This is not to say that I am above doing something on the surface, similiar. I mean, I do it all the time. But often, it is to the small, semi-obscure songs, stories or part of the media that I SEE. Too often, people fall back on the crap they see on 'Maury' or awkwardly shove something from FM 98 that they heard into conversation ... the 'Schoollyism' I put up, is something I say to confuse people!!

COMBAT SALACIOUS REMOVAL

Of course, since this is a basically random entry, as my astral self glides throughout the universe in my mind, I will say that I am listening stuff on You Tube (hey, some cats dig internet porn, and video game avatars ... I like listening to music ... it is either You Tube, or one of the jillion music channels on the 'net!).

Interpol uses that line as part of the chorus to the song 'Length of Love'. Way cool tune. When the album came out, that was the first song from 'Antics' that really caught and held my attention. As I write, I keep replaying the Fog vs Mould version. Not that the one on the album isn't peachy keen too.

I'd go lengths and lenghts of love, since we've started this thing now ...

Since she says she doesn't read this stuff, I like the song for 'her' and the 'Concept', because it would be great to look at someone feeling that '... this could be destiny ... I've had no sense of time, since we started ...'!

Even though the band gets ripped on for their lyrics, lines like that, I dig.

Maybe that is what I am going to do ... talk about some music and what I think and feel about the songs. Spring is on the way, hopefully State can keep Jimmy Chitw--, er Robbie Hummel from leading Purdue to a win, and the Spartans can start thinking themselves as regular season champions, which was one of Tom Izzo's 'goals of conceit' for the season.

Also, I think that State has shown a LOT of character, and will make the 'elite eight' if not the Final Four. Though Carolina is tough, I think when it gets to the end of March, it will be a crapshoot.

RULES TO LIVE BY

CONCEPTUAL CONTINUITY

That is what I am about. Which is why I occasionally 'lock in' on specific areas I would like to change and work on. It is a mental discipline exercise, because there are plenty of 'pretty shiny balls' rolling around to look at.

For instance, three shows that I really, really like are cranking up. One, 'Friday Night Lights', I saw the season on the 101 network that runs on DirecTV. The second is 'The Amazing Race', and I never get tired of that one! Finally, 'Millionaire Matchmaker' is on, and I think that it should be required viewing for good, decent, but unfortunately single women, who would rather not be. I also want to start getting back into talking about my fitness and work out stuff, cause I do. Anyway ...

WHAT IS 'IT'?

Last week on my facebook page, I kept putting up '... is getting 'it' and 'it' has been duly noted and entered into business', because I did not want to do what I thought was the worse thing ... call Tee Jay. I can only go with a stereotype, that of a woman fretting over why someone doesn't call, and why there were no plans for 'whatever'. Patti on 'Matchmaker' caught one of the girls trying to slide one of the cats their number on the side. She caught the girl, and said loud enough for anyone in the county to have heard ... "If he did not choose you for a date, it is because he isn't that f*cking into you!", because that isn't how she runs her operation as a matchmaker.

Not that I was weakening or anything, but it was good to hear. Tee Jay hasn't called because despite what she may have said, she just isn't that f*cking into me. I can dig it, I can dig it. But why is she still 'in play'? "Keep your friends close, your enemies closer." - Unknown. Not that she is an 'enemy' per se, but I can't take that she isn't more than a vague idea of my own creation.

I know what she said to me, as I looked her in the eyes when she said it. I know what I felt when we touched and when we kissed ... that wasn't imagined. Maybe there IS something there, and I am not completely certain how far with this idea of an 'ex List' I am supposed to go...

SO WHAT DO YOU KNOW, WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

Whether or not I have been 'a dog' (trust me ... that case could easily be made, and it would take Johnnie Cochran to get me off that charge!) doesn't matter. What matters is whatI am going to do from this moment on. And besides, the 'run and shoot' went out with 8-Ball jackets ... haven't been 'that guy' in a good long while ... over a decade.

A span of time which includes my time with Tee Jay.

ONCE IS HAPPENSTANCE, TWICE COINCIDENCE ...

... a third time, enemy action." -Auric Goldfinger, from the movie "Goldfinger". Is it a little strong, referring to someone as an 'enemy'? Yeah, that is somewhat over the top, but consider how important this area is in my life, I don't think it is out of place. I have always felt, but not always acted like the important things to me, were that important. So by using strong language like this, I am acknowledging that I can ignore it at my own peril.

So that is why I have only called Tee Jay twice. Since there is something in me that is not ready to completely write her off, I won't. Besides, I really would rather go somewhere else, and there are other things besides wondering whether or not she 'may be somewhat, kinda, into me', that is on my mind.

Maybe we will see in March ... by telling myself that, I can hold my position, and if I want to find out, I can without all the emotions that are churning now.

NEBRASKA MONDAY

If there is any day of the week that I write her, it is Monday. It gives me a pleasant start to my week, reminding me what I have to look forward to, and 'fresh snowfall', like the one Calvin and Hobbes had laid out before them in their last strip. "Let's go exploring," Calvin said as they set off on their sled.

That is what I think about most, when it comes to my 'what's next'. All of this is 'conditioning' for my 'next, new life'. One of the reasons that I think that it is 'out west' is that SHE was the only one to have called me on Valentine's Day!! The reason that it is significant is, that is all I would have wanted from ANYONE on Valentine's!

No big to do about it ... if we love each other, then let's be with each other. Want to 'make something special' rather than do something over priced and much more trouble than it is worth? Hey, I am not that kind of guy.

For you, I will plan a little something at the house. One of my fave local caterer, Edibles Rex, runs dinner plans for a small get together ... I could do that, invite a few couples for that. Get some candles and a bottle of wine. For sure I can scare up some music and dim the lights ... and let's celebrate what is really important. Not a 'thing' or an ostentatious show, but the relationship. You, me and our love.

Anywho, I thought it cool of her, to call me and wish me a happy day on Saturday. Tres cool.

Finally, keeping Tee Jay 'in play' means that I can ask myself if I want to call her and not call, a lot more easier than I could try to write her off, and keep that 'front' up. Why draw uneccesary lines to contend with?

RANDOM ... SORTA

WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?




First, turn your watch back to when this was a new song ... mind you, I never took and mind altering narcotics (at least not until my 40's, and I got to hang out with a dream in Chicago) in my life, so any other 'meanings' to this song, is lost upon me. I know what I got out of it.



This song had to come out and caught my ear in a period that prolly resembled what I am going thru now. I was on my way back up from being where ever I was, and this song caught my ear. Felt it was about a cat who was 'feeling' someone, and they were feeling them ... only not so much.



Sort of like me and Nebraska.



For me, it is cool that she doesn't think we will be 'all that'. On the basic, most facile level, I understand. But she makes me feel 'so alive', and I don't think that she gets that.



When I think about moving out yonder west, it is about her, and it is about so much more at the same time. I want to have fun, want to see things thru another person's eyes. But it wasn't the band alone that inspired my to incoporate 'Love and Rockets' as a part of my lingo, if you will.

There was a comic book that I think came out around the same time or perhaps a little before, with the title 'Love & Rockets' that I used to read (please, don't ask what happened to the ginchiest collection in the Metro Area ... go to the Army for a few years and ...) and it was like the current comic are now, going straight to mature themes of relationships and dealing with life and its myriad struggles. I guess you could say they combined in my head, and for me, one always brings up the other.

They both mean the same to me though. Struggle, but be glad that you can struggle and you have something to look forward to. I believe that it is a better way to be, maintaining the hope and belief that if you keep trying, good things will happen. Before you know it, you will be on your way to DOING...

BETH DITTO

First time I saw her, it was at the Majestic, opening for indie rock goddesses, Sleater-Kinney (they, along with the Smiths/Moz and the Clash are the three best bands, like EVER!) with, wait for it ... TEE JAY! She came across as a shy girl when I saw her after their set, wouldn't even let me by her a drink for her great performance.

Guess she is all grown up, now!

She did a nude cover for some magazine ... and that was her 2nd time posing 'au naturel'! She is a big girl, and I thought, think she is attractive. As for that matter, what is the big to do about Jess Simpson? She looks fine to me? I mean, I still wouldn't choose either over Jill Scott, but I am saying ...

TELEVISION

Super cool band. But I am talking about tv shows. I have been trying for the past two years to incoporate regular watching in my 'routine', so that I can find other tools to 'connect' with people by. That is how I got into 'The Amazing Race', so I could coffee klatch with SD at work. That starts up tonight. If I haven't mentioned 'Friday Night Lights' is another great show, then there you go ... NOW WATCH IT.

ALL'S QUIET ON THE WESTERN FRONT

No, Tee Jay never called ... and AKA didn't bother with me. That is cool. Did hear from Nebraska, which was cool, and of course, traded wishes with the Fly Skimmie. But I have met someone and got their #. Haven't spoken to them, and I can't see myself saying anything other than what I have been saying to all of you and myself ... that I am aiming to leave within the year, and that is pretty much all that is in my sights.

Surprisingly, I am not at all 'pressed' for companionship. I mean, she is a nice enough person, but there is something that says, "Mark, it isn't about this ... it is about THAT", and with them not being related, I am of the mind to apologize and tell her that I am not interested in her friendship.

Oh, I know I am going to have to deal with being told 'I am not all that'. But I never said that I was. But it IS my goal ..!

And I guess that is why I will re-examine 'Darkhorses' that have begun to appear in the field.

RULES TO LIVE BY

AND HERE WE ARE

'Survived' is too strong a word for getting by yesterday without hasslin' anyone. The Skimmie was feeling under the weather, and there was weather, so I wouldn't have wanted her driving in it anyway.

The band Cheap Trick made a big splash with their song, 'Dream Police' ... no, I am kidding! Their mega huge song was 'I Want You To Want Me'. Fairly simple song, not that complicated. In fact, love, life, and the whole ball of wax isn't that difficult.

I make the point that I understand that Nebraska and I will be good friends. The song says it all, pretty much. "I want you to want me ... I need you to need me ...".

Here comes the "but". That is not open for discussion. If you don't, then NO MATTER what I am feeling, makes things rather easy for me. "Unrequited" isn't really unrequited for me. I mean, using today's focus point for an example, Tee Jay, I can still have the strong feelings for her and be sincere, because who knows the limits of the capacity of the heart? But it lies locked behind a door, and it takes her 'wanting ME', not just a 'wanting' to open it.

She may want someone, and that is fine. Except I am not just 'someone', and she knows me. Because I can't call what it is, doesn't mean I don't know it is there. Something about women and their 'processing' as they get older ... am I willing to say that the gap in maturity when men and women are adolescence are smaller, maybe even reversed in relationships?

Anywho ...

THE GENERAL MEASURES

Might have to ask a woman 'why' they hang on to bad apples. There ISN'T anything you can do with a bad apple, and whatever it is you can do, who really wants that?

"We must therefore, be confident in the general measures we have adopted will produce the results that we expect." I can understand being mistaken about a self-assessment. I can't understand not having one. You don't have to be deep or introspective to ask yourself the Adm. Stockdale "... who am I ... why am I here", thing.

You only have to move three degrees beyond yourself to find out some answers. Ask yourself, look at your immediate environment, then take it out 'on the road', in a unfamiliar place with familiar markers. Then take in the feedback. Honestly review what you have and look at what should be a 'new' reflection.

Or not. Some of the same questions that I feel a lot of women ask about 'why' when it comes to relationships, indicate a lack of being honest with themselves (uh, remember ladies ... I AM A MAN ... not that I am bashing, but hey, I am only saying what I see!). I have not forgotten what one smarty pants Shelia told me ... "Mark, it is a matter of 'supply and demand' ... what you 'supply' simply isn't in 'demand'! ".

That was fair to say ... but it it made me wonder what did I bring to a potential partnership with some who is 'attractive'? Could I make myself more desirable? And how would I market myself? Taking inventory of myself, discovering what I thought I 'had' to put out for the marketplace, and the kind of 'customer' I wanted to attract, I found myself being able to find my niche, so to speak.

This is not to say it wasn't flawed. My ex wife, is the 'what?!?' in my life. Many of us have someone that you can't really explain their presence in your life. I happened to marry mine. Even with that, I look back and say, "Damn, you must have been a great salesman, Mark!!"

I digress. The thing is, I believe I know who I am, and that is why I try to make sure that I am filled with the "great audacity and stregnth of will ..." that will allow me to overcome the very real obstacles that will appear in my path. And I believe that we live with an 'inertia dynamic', that once we begin to act in our lives, will go in a specific direction unless you have done something to act on your life.

Sometimes, the 'act' will alter your path for the good ... other times, you may go in a 'less than good' direction. I know I have found myself thinking I was going towards one thing, and ended up being far, far away from where I intended to go.

THE SHADOWS OF UNCERTAINTY

That is what the 'darkhorses' are all about. In my mind, I began this project with three ideas. 1) To find my life partner, 2) To seek my 'new life' in Nebraska, and 3) To see of Tee Jay and I could make 'our life' together.

As long as I am still in Detroit, Tee Jay will be 'in play'. Our relationship is an unresolved question, but one that I can live without having conclusively answered. The 'motivation' to find out anything is not now, or ever been strong enough for me to not want what I want. What that is, is on a 'dna level' and can only tell you why she has remained in the lead pack, always a solid but definite 'third'. But beyond that ...

... is the 'things I know that I don't know'. And I don't know a lot of things!!

RULES TO LIVE BY

AND SOME RANDOM STUFF AS WELL ...

...because the 20/20 last night was too important to ignore.

I had meant to watch it, but the first 20 minutes slipped by me. AKA had to call me to jog my memory. I had wanted to watch, because one of the things that I have always felt, was that poverty in rural America is WAY worse than poverty in urban America.

This is an observation that was seeded as a child, visiting my Dad's peeps in Arkansas. Though we were on the 'black' side of town, the occasional whites (dirty white folk) were no better off. The only thing that they had, was the institutional delusion that by being white, they were better off.

Truth is, being poor, uneducated and without opportunity, they were no better off. It reminded of what I think allowed for the Obama presidency. Camile Paglia made the assertion that the first female president would KNOW football. Hil Clinton is a wishy-washy baseball fan. Condi Rice, who may get the nod, is a huge football fan.

Like a female president would need to know football, for the insight to how the male psyche works, the first black president would not ignore the urban core that would obviously support him, but he would also bring HOPE to rural America. I don't think that it can be argued that not only did President Obama bring hope to a lot of blacks, but he did so to rural America. WHITE rural America.

If you didn't get the chance to watch it, I am SURE that you can catch it somewhere on the internet. Arresting, heart rending viewing.

DON'T HATE

It's Valentine's Day. No cutesy, cynical, a-hole, pseudo-intellectual justification for not celebrating. Funny how all that mess comes out when people DON'T have someone to go out with. If there is a relationship where they 'don't celebrate' the day, and it is the guy who initiates the downplay, see Schopanuer's statement from the other day.

It's crap, it's crap, it's crap, to have some one and not acknowledge them on this day, in a positive, affirming way. Too many things for you to do, to make this day special for the both of you to go the cowardly way out. Period.

And if you are single, see this section's header. DON'T HATE. Quit being a crap person so that you can find someone to share this time with. Period.

CONFIDENCE

"The minute we begin carrying out our decision, a thousand doubt ts arise about the danger which might develop if we have been seriously mistaken in our plan. A feeling of uneasiness, which often takes hold of a person about to perform something great, will take possession of us, and from this uneasiness to indecision, and from there to half measures ..."

I have to tell you that I have often found that people 'cheat' themselves because of their inability to forge ahead with their plans. What is the old saw ... 'people don't plan to fail, but they fail to plan.' When I get to Nebraska, late '09 - early '10, it would be the result of something I had begun in spring of '07, when the fissures in my relationship began to widen. I could have waited until they cracked, but I couldn't. I KNEW BETTER.

Because I understand better than some, what happens when you are the only rowing in the boat, and the other person's oar is idle, I made my decision and started to set my course. Making my experience work for me, and being willing to make decisions with decisiveness (one of my better qualities, IMO) is how I got to spend the good time that I had with the Mook's, and allowed for me to take my leave without either party feeling any more injured than necessary.

No reason to wonder about ANYTHING. At this time, the stray thoughts that come across the wire, are like the odd stories that Jay Leno makes fun of. Laugh and we stumble along in our own spinnings.

THE SHADOWS OF UNCERTAINTY

There are 'questions' to be asked in my plan. I have told myself that I have asked as many of them as I can, and found answers for them. And I will get to them at another time.

20/20 ...

One of the reasons I feel that rural whites resent the minority groups, particularly blacks, is that opportunity abounds everywhere in the Metro areas ... I have spent time in West Virginia ... been in the Mountain regions of Western Carolina, and fought in Tennessee and West Va. THAT is poor. THAT is where there isn't any opportunity. I can only imagine what it is like in the 'big empty' of the plains or the 'Big Sky' country. Or the arid emptiness of the Great American Southwest. Only the odd visit and PBS program has taken me to some of these places. Doesn't matter, been to enough places to get an 'idea' on what it could be like.

And again, if I had to choose between Brightmoor and Beckley ... I will choose Brightmoor every day of the week. Why? Because between the schools, the church, any number of non profit programs in the area, active civic groups and contacts in the media, here, if I want help, it is not far away.

I didn't catch the distance, but there was some lady who walk MILES for real to get her GED. It made me choke, some of the stories, from the drug abuse to the incest, and the kid who couldn't cut it in college. The miners, who couldn't 'speak' about how they did their job, which entailed health hazards, because the company officials were monitoring the interview ... and the fact that there were openings going unfulfilled because even in such a depressed economy, they could not find enough people who could pass a drug test ...

Man, that was real. I haven't an idea as to how you can make things better in areas like the one profiled. Little wonder they resent the programs that are available to urban minorities, programs that go wanting for people to make use of.

What was it on the gates in Dante's Hell ..? 'Abandon hope ye that enter'? I would think that the drug abuse in the mountain communities are at LEAST as bad as the problems in the cities. They face a more profound lack of materials as far as learning is concerned, that is worse IMO, than the want in cities schools. And the distance to anything, from better food to ANY health care, is staggering.

BIG FINISH

May call AKA ... I would like to go see a darn movie! I want to watch 'Gran Torino', 'Frost-Nixon' and '... Button' at a theater! We will see.

Enjoy the weekend. For real. Love and Rockets to you all!!

Rules To Live By

"If ...

... your self discipline were equal to your determination, you could do just about anything." -Unknown

That is the main reason I never blame anyone (completely!) for the 'less than good' things that have occured in my life. For instance, when you bomb that crucial exam, or you still can't fit into the new dress you bought, whatever the situation you have fallen short of you goals on, what did you do that influenced how things 'broke'?

When I started this journal, I didn't think it would turn into a 'relationship diary', but it has become that, at least for now. Part of it, is because I want to be the 'determin' in my determination. And Carl Von Clauswitz, defines the 'fog of war' as "The great uncertainty of all data in war is a peculiar difficulty, because all action must, to a certain extent, be planned in a mere twilight, which in addition not infrequently — like the effect of a fog or moonshine — gives to things exaggerated dimensions and unnatural appearance", which I equate with the feelings that you have when you get the 'urge' to do something out of the ordinary, or runs counter to the direction you want to go or to what you want to achieve.

You have checked out all the study materials, cleared your area so you won't be distracted. Been exercising for the last month, and the ball is only ten days away, haven't been late night snacking or anything. Or, you have not called Tee Jay, like you said you wouldn't, but jeez, tomorrow is Valentine's Day!! I would not be truthful, if I did not admit to a faction in me that wants to call, and then ...

In this situation, looking over my life, I have figured out, if I am going to 'drunk call' (which for me, is a catch-all term, not a practice. Irony is, were I to get 'drunk' then I would be LESS likely to do something stupid), I would have to also accept the responsibility for what I was doing. "Never begin anything until you have reflected what will be the end of it." -Unknown.

So I sit (actually, I have long ago already 'sat' ...) asking myself, if I can live with the consequence of calling ... a simple cost benefit analysis gives me my answer. I am not unique in doing this. Maybe they don't dredge up military theory or make some sports connection to do it. But they do. And it gets universal at the point where emotions overcome logic.

I like to think that the name of Hole album, 'Live Through This', is what I fall back on, particularly when I think one choice is the worst of all possiblities. From long runs, to sparring sessions, to a host of personal experiences where I simply had to find a way to do as Kipling wrote, to 'fill the unforgiving minute', then whatever I would do, as long as it wasn't the worst of all things, I would do.

Slowly, I began to learn how to make better choices that were 'further from the bottom.' Don't second guess that I am learning it now instead of earlier. I want to get after 'it'. That I know differently, I am doing and being 'different'. So it doesn't matter that I 'used to do this', because I have decided that I am 'going to do that' (need I remind you, that 'this and that' aren't related?).

And that is that, with that.

DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY

Because I haven't often been in the position of wanting someone who doesn't want me (doesn't mean, I can't like, lust, fantasize, obesses, stalk, LOL!), I can only speak from what I think goes on.

With Mookie, I think she is still as attractive as all get out, and a fine, fine person a decent enough human being. None of which mitigates the crap she put me thru. Because I had the experience to know that even with the relationship being a bummer, I would 'miss' her. So I spent time during my 'dead man's walk', thinking about some of the things about her that I loved. Because when the time came, I wanted to get gone, and I did not want the 'mission creep' to interfere with my getting gone, '... with the least shedding of blood.'

So I sit here, wondering what it would be like to share a special day with Nebraska, or the 4-H queen that I will no doubt run into. I wonder what it would be like to go to Caesar's Windsor with the Fly Skimmie, or visit Chicago and see my Best Sister. Maybe a road trip to Mackinac with AKA ... but I DON'T want to experience nothing with the 'been there, done that' Mookie.

Yes, it has been a process. But it was thought out, and whatever it took to go in the direction that I determined, is what I have been doing, since I made the choice to leave her. "We cannot take this uncertainty too seriously, and it is important to be prepared for it from the beginning."

Though Mr. Wolf warned Jules and Vinent about 'going off and something something' (if you saw the movie, you will remember what he told them not to do!) in 'Pulp Fiction', when they got part of the jam they were in, fixed, I am going to say that I don't expect to call Tee Jay this weekend for sure. And maybe I will pick up with why I am not taking this 'uncertainty too seriously'.

RULES TO LIVE BY

SIMPLIFY, SIMPLIFY, SIMPLIFY


That is what Thoreau said. I always thought it was easy for him to have said such a thing, being from a well off family. I often regarded him as the yuppie-hybrid liberal, who whines about the hole in the ozone, or whatever it is that is 'of the moment', but don't mind who is landscaping their yard and how they came to this country to work for so little, or bother with why their nanny is so inexpensive.



But it makes a better header. I much prefer what Einstein said regarding simplicity. And that is where I get into my next rule, and consider them all 'gender neutral', though I will quote them as I found them.


Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler. ~Albert Einstein



I think I have 'misremembered' that quote in previous entries. I went out and got it from a web page. I wanted to know why something that on the face was not difficult, ended up becoming complex? Einstein's words, help me remember that it doesn't have to be that difficult, and sometimes when you are left with something, that it is indeed all there is.

Two current cases that are open ... Tee Jay and the Fly Skimmie are examples of this. First, negative.

What it was that had the Skimmie and me at odds, something that while relevant to the time and the period, was something that could have been overcome, easily. But because we actually know one another so well, it was something that was oversimplified, both individual issues. And as long as we held on to our micromanaged ideals, we weren't going to ever overcome them. Though I didn't get all deep in rebuttal as far as what she was sore at me over, I decided to keep what I had against her, because they were so closely related, that a small step either way, could have made the difference.

The problem was we were sooo familiar with each other, that when we got out of bounds, we had no reason to have THOUGHT we were out of bounds. And that we got her issue out in the open, I feel that it is better that I keep my now small discomfort to myself. Because the reason that I was bothered, to what it made me feel, it is of small consequence now. There is more upside to me 'getting over it' and going forward with our friendship.

On the other side, we have Tee Jay. One of the reasons I even started on this revisiting of past loves, was to find a reason to keep her in the 'active file'. It is something that is new to me as a concept, and therefore, eligible under the 'doing something different' clause.

Began with Mookie ... so now, with Tee Jay allegedly single and available, I thought this would be my opportunity to see if we could rekindle our relationship. Things began promising, a couple of nice phone calls, and a nice date. We chatted some more, then came January, when she didn't return my phone calls. Yikes! You would have thought she would have called out of simple curiosity, to just say 'hello', much less about a Valentine's date. But she hasn't, and I WON'T. To do so would be in violation of the following rule.

If in the affairs of the everyday- the TRIFLES of life ... a man is inconsiderate and seeks only what is advantageous or convenient to himself, to the prejudice of other's rights; if he appropriates to himself that which belongs to all alike, you may be sure there is no justice in his heart, and that he would be a scoundrel on a wholesale scale, only that law and compulsion bind his hands." - Arthur Schopanuer.

OBSERVANCE AND APPLICATION.

In this 'rule', I have highlighted the word 'trifles'. Because it is in the 'everyday affairs', that I find her at fault. First, there should be reason enough for her to want to call ME as well, should there not? I have been home since May, and it would be pushing it to say she has called me more than a handful of times, to simply say 'hello'.

There is nothing that says she cannot call someone who is 'her friend', which I thought at the very least we were. That is easy enough to do, but that would be the 'too simple' explination. In the 'boy chase girl' realm of relationships, it is still the man who is supposed to be the pursuer. That is fine, so I have called her, and while we had good conversation, I didn't think there was anything to either get excited over or to be dismissive of the entire pursuit.

One of the important factors in considering this dating concept, is that I wanted someone who was 'acclimated' to who I am trying to be, and how I would like to do things. I felt this would be important when this was developed. And here is why.

I have my insecurities. Not returning my phone calls sits right on top of a major fault line. The reason for that is, it is something that is EASY TO DO. Call and say, whatever you need to say. Decline my advance. Tell me you aren't busy ... even the ol' 'I gotta wash my hair' is better than this. "Ignorance is the entombment of the unworthy in their own nothingness."

*clucks tongue* Alrighty then. You may not have had to call me, but when you don't return calls, it says only ONE THING. Maybe not to the degree of Schopanauer, but I do have something to say about your prescence in my life ...

I DON'T CARE

Language is important to me. I read a journal recently, maybe it was DB's 'Vagabond Journeys', I am not sure, or perhaps Nutwood Junction, that spoke about the importance of words, and the right words for the right expression.

When I say that 'I don't care', that is what it means. It means that from the instant the last syllable reaches your ears, what ever it is, what ever the topic, it means absolutely nothing to me, and if it is advice, then I accept all consequences for ignoring it.

Have I had to run into a former flame with their new love, happy, while I am holding a drink and standing alone ..? Sure, and I can be happy for them, because I really don't care what is going on with them, I have turned my attention to what has my attention ... worrying about someone who has now proven conclusively that 'they are who I thought they were', in the words of Dennis Green, is enough. To allow them a relavance in my thoughts, is to, as Dennis put it, '... let 'em off the hook.'

I have more colorful words for things PAST 'I don't care', but usually that is enough. I don't worry if it makes me 'a kind of person', because of the '... is a scoundrel ...' part of what Schopanauer said. Once someone has shown you, conclusively what they are about, and are revealed to you, then if they remain in your life, or still maintain the same status, then when they 'appropriate' again like the person 'who were what you thought they were', ask Jerome or somebody to bring you a mirror ...

... so you will know who to blame.