A LONG DISCUSSION ON "THIS AND THAT" DESPITE THE BROAD GENETIC DISPARITIES THAT DOES NOT SUGGEST FAMILIAL LINKS

TACTICAL

  

My personal focus for the close of the year will be one where I improve my overall and specific focus and to zero in on what I want and what I expect not only of the next year, but of the next 5 years as well.  “Tired” is a word that for me is indicative of a level of frustration that has exhausted all reasonable expectations of patience.  It is a word that I don’t use OR interpret lightly.  It is word that is a precursor to direct actions that are aimed at making a change that impacts on  either a way of thinking or vision.  Having the definition and understanding of “tired” that I do, when I hear it in everyday conversation, I always wonder if a person is “tired” of something or  someone, why do they allow the situation or person hang about their lives like barnacles?  I mean, it isn’t magic that I have not been involved with people who calls to mind those whose  purpose were to serve as a warning to me, making me aware of the characters and traits of  those that I don’t care want in my life.

I have thought about more extensively of the traps that await me as I strive to make the life that I imagine for myself.  Right now, today, the very moments that I use to create this entry, are representative of my having reached a base level of comfort, free from comprehensive want.  I am financially independent, with enough saved up to where I can lose both my job and disability  payment and pay for the next three months of my expenses.  I am now looking forward to  reaching where I have six months of emergency savings, which is my next primary financial goal.

This winter term will indeed take a great deal of effort. I will be in school long enough to be considered a full-time student, and I am looking forward to the challenge of being a disabled cat who works part-time and is a college student full-time.  While I am most concerned with the  being on the path intended for me, I do want to test myself from time to time, to see how capable I really am of being a fully-formed independent adult.  Not being overly concerned with the speed  of my matriculation does not mean that I willing to settle for poking around when I can do more.

The notion of what are the most important components of good relationships have came up in  my daily musings recently. While I could not have articulated it as well as I can now, even as a younger man I thought that time was the only real thing that we have to give to one another, the  only real thing in this possible hologram of an existence that can be counted as exchange  currency between humans beings.

Tuesday evening, Nebraska and I will have the umpteenth talk about “us”.  Sometimes I think that it should be obvious that the “you and me” discussion between us resembles the you and me discussion that Butch had with Marcellus Wallace in “Pulp Fiction” (because there was the present, “me and you” between them and they also had “THAT me and you” between them).  There isn’t a whole lot between  us, which is a disappointment.  But because of my nature, I have to give an opportunity when it is asked of me… since I want for opportunity to come my way in life.  By my hopes and philosophy, it would be selfish and slightly hypocritical of me to do otherwise.  And that includes using the only real thing that we as humans have, time, to meet her request.

Our differences is at its most fundamental level.  How much deeper can we go, I have no idea.  I believe because SHE believes that we can reach an understanding.  We will see.  Lately, I feel as though I have been overusing the whole “introvert” thing.  Some of that is due to the whole social status thing… it is cool for one to say that they are an introvert, just as it has become cool to self-identify as a “nerd”.  Since I am both, I know that being an introvert or treated as a nerd it is NOT cool, particularly the latter, and neither are anything that one would be proud to identify with when I was growing up.  But whether it is someone who hears me make the claim in my journal, or my co-workers whom I told almost on day one that I will not be exchange phone numbers or accept friend request on Facebook, if the past four years have been a personality revelation to Nebraska, then she really has not been paying any attention to me AT ALL.  I have always told her that despite my enthusiasm for our possible loveship, that I would be just fine as her friend, and likely that I would be better off on my own.  While there is some hint of the resentment from fails when I have given as much as I could (looking at YOU Mookie Dee and Princess..!) at the time of the relationship, the majority of the confidence I have in myself is that by myself, I do well.  My “ETP score” (endurance, tenacity, and perseverance) has always been very high, and note, those traits do not need a group to be displayed to be meaningful.  My “I can do it”, confidence stems from the observed belief that those three things are among the “must have” traits for achievement of any kind.

"IF YOU WANT TO BE THE HERO, YOU HAVE GOT TO TAKE THE HERO SHOTS.”   -Reggie Miller, former NBA and college basketball star

If there are ever any questions about your or another person’s character, any wonderings about the relationships in your life, the very first place the search for answers should begin is with oneself.  I am a firm believer in the change that one wants in life begins within, not from outside. And it is nearly unavoidable that the people you allow in your life, and those you attract are as  well, are but a reflection of traits that are within your own person, in part or in its entirety.   

So I have established that I don’t like people.  Now that is a bit harsh, but when you are really an introverted person, being to myself while working out, shopping for cookie butter, or posing for stock photos of urban bike riders, I NEVER think about asking someone to join me in those or ANY activity.  There was an HuffPo article about introverts that does a good job of providing a general overview with dealing with a person like myself.  I haven’t done anything like that since I was an adolescent and fortunate enough to have a Mom who would take me out to the comic book convention in Novi… wanna come with?  I mean, what don’t you understand about being my being a PERSON WHO PREFERS HIS OWN COMPANY..?

In her TED Talk, Susan Cain describes a scene from her childhood experience at a girls summer camp where she was singled out and compelled to "fit in".  Just like Susan Cain’s younger self, I have many instances where I was chided for not “joining in”.  But there has never been a point in my conscious existence where I felt I was anything other than free.                                          

There are so many tropes that I think dominate and really skew objectivity that are a factor in my purposed withdrawal from social engagements.  From something as benign as watching a television show (I give side-eye to people who talk about how unusual the characters are on “Modern Family” and don’t get me started about “Blackish”), movie or any other media, to addressing “why I don’t like chicken?” questions, many of us are locked into a thinking that limits the possibilities of the people we encounter. And from here I am going to segue from my introversion and why there is a different understanding how it determines my role and needs in interpersonal relationships, to why I feel that Nebraska and I have struggled to be a part of one another’s lives.

RULE 15

I haven’t looked it up but I do remember journaling about what I call “The Dominant Consideration” with regards to whom I choose to be intimate with.  While not as poetic or having the potential to be as warm as fuzzy as my demeanor may otherwise indicate, when I have a problem with a person close to me, this inevitably what is on my mind.  Being confident as I am in reaching the broader objectives of my life, when I begin to narrow my focus and make decisions on more subjective areas of my life, such as interpersonal relationships, the places that I would like to see and go, et. cetera., I use this rule to measure the reason that I am utilizing my energy and resources to have this person as a part of my life.

The “must haves” as they apply to my confidence, are in question when the buffer zone between “me and you” seems wide and reinforced.  I don’t have confidence in our connection and I simply cannot rely upon you as a friend.  Most of the time I have felt this way about a person, it has been for concrete reasons, and one haunting transgression of this “rule” is the legendary “Tommy Hearns diss” made by my ex-wife.  If any of the other signs that she was not the one for me were indeterminate, this incident was one of which that there could have been no misinterpretation of the worthiness of our prospective relationship.  And for some insane reason I blew past that sign, and I have rued my ineffective reasoning ever since.

It was also the last time that that I feel I made THAT mistake again.  Did not prevent me from then-future screw ups, but repairs were well underway in my philosophy.  And the important aspect of drawing the line at the people who I invite into my life, at least to me, is that lesson well-learned.  

By having codified my thinking to the extent that I have, I cannot understate the importance of having my “Rules To Live By” are to me.  Before my injury, I thought I was a good guy with a  giant red “BUT” hovering over him.  Clearing how I think has helped me cut through the fog that I believe was keeping me from reaching the next philosophical step in my development. Now, if someone has a “but” with regards to me, it is more about THEM and their life experience than it is an indictment about me.

So go on… think “all black men are--” fill in the blank.  I am simply being… did not do anything to you and I have no influence on any of your previous experience prior to our lives crossing.  And maybe this is something that maybe Nebraska, Princess, sister-girl dropping of her kids over her Mom’s house before she pulls a double at McDonald’s, or Sally on the late shift at the Super Wal-Mart, waiting and hoping that her boyfriend shows up on time to pick her up (for a change), can’t grasp.  *shrugs shoulders* That is their set of singular experiences and my theory puts it back on them to find a way around to clarity… or be willing to follow one who is on the path...

AS A MARK THINKETH (a VERY long entry..!)

TACTICAL

Post holiday/vacay hangover was very brief.  Had a staff meeting on Saturday at 6 AM.  The biggest surprise was that the manager who called the meeting DID NOT SHOW UP.  The club president/general manager (I am not sure of his official title) WAS THERE, as was all expected employees.  This was preceded by a NO CALL/NO SHOW on Friday!! Needless to say, the plot thickens..!

One of the things that I have been coming to grips with is having validated my faith in myself.  It has, not for one moment since I accepted my diagnosis and the subsequent end to my relationship with Mookie Dee, that what I was going to set out to do was ill-advised at best, and should NOT be undertaken.  Were you to go to a medical professional and tell them that a medically diagnosed CTE patient was going to go live on his own, in a strange city, with no family or friends* in the immediate vicinity, I am sure that they would scoff at the possibility.  But here I am, doing my thing, going to school AND managing my life all on my own.  Which makes what Ken and Beth did for me all the more meaningful.

My Dad was happy to see me.  I have no doubt that he appreciated that I came home to see him and was able to bring people who care about me in tow.  From the experience of being a parent, I have a greater understanding of what it means to watch your children go off into the world, and I have no doubt that it is a concern that will never leave a parent.  So to see that his disabled oldest son is still doing his thing and doing it at the level that I am, well, he had to feel good about that.  I was glad that I was able to give that to him, and I feel so grateful to the Riches for giving me the opportunity to  give that to my Father.

OVERCOMING THE DIFFERENCE IN THE THINGS WE NEED AND WHAT WE RECIEVE

One of the things I have wondered about is the difference between me and the cats like Michael Jordan… and by “difference”, I mean what is it that makes people continue to strive and become surpassing of their own expectations and dreams.  The reason I use Michael Jordan is that his competitiveness is legendary and seemed to be only exceeded by the grudges and slights that he holds against people and institutions.  While I could share some, like the one between him and Isaiah Thomas and the Detroit Pistons, if that was one the the prominent features of this blog, I would, but that isn’t what it is about.  Just as IRL, I like to spark thinking and if you aren’t thinking as your read stuff, then what are you doing with the stuff between your ears?

Now Jordan isn’t the only superstar athlete that does this kind of thinking to motivate himself on to greater achievements, just someone for whom this is a well-documented trait.  And he shares something with me that makes me wonder where he got his drive from.  See, prior to his ascension in basketball and marketing, there was no athlete who was from a stable, two-parent home, or at least, that was not the archetypical story.  It was always some struggling, underprivileged, ghetto super-hero, who magically rose above his surroundings and through the physical gifts that nature bestowed uncannily upon him, achieved his dreams.  Though my parents divorced while I was young, they maintained an amicable enough relationship where they both played roles in determining the shape of my character.  I had a relatively comfortable upbringing, not ever experiencing want or need.  I assume that Michael Jordan didn’t either, so where did he get the cutthroat ruthlessness to be MICHAEL JORDAN?  In short, where does ANYONE who achieves find the qualities that drive them to their prodigious achievements?

I have never, ever, had a “killer instinct”, never have I been a finisher, a closer, someone who comes on the scene and everything changes because of the force of will that a person brings to the fore, somehow alter and warps the destiny of those around them.  There are those who seem to, like magic, just be “better” at everything, not just in passing, but more importantly, when they need to be.

“Winning is an all the time thing”, said Vince Lombardi.  He was right.  Winners didn’t start winning when it came time for the penultimate event or competition.  They have been winning since the first opportunity for victory presented itself.  So the question is, is this a quality that is innate or can this be cultivated and developed within a person?  And while the argument can be made that it is something that some people have, or like a diamond, is something that is to be developed only through circumstance and nature, I do believe that it is also a trait that

learned and employed by anyone who dares… the rub is, that it is a quality that is an “all the time thing”.

I strive to where my character is an “all the time thing”.          

One of the stories from my boxing days that I have told a few times around the fitness center where I work is one where I was training with a world champion that I happened to know of long before he was a champion.  Of course, back when we both were aspiring amateur fighters, I could not see the skills in him that led to his moments of greatness.  In fact, at that moment, I felt we were on equal ground!!  Anywho, as time passed, he had went on and became one of the best boxers of his generation, while I… quite simply, faded into obscurity.     

But this was a moment where I would have one of several “cups of coffee” with the highest levels of the sport of boxing.  The Champ was a different person, far unlike the teenager that I had known growing up.  He was a jerk, ignorant and tactless, just a rich douchebag who happened to have the skills to beat the crap out of pretty much everybody.  I noted the change in his personality (and that of his Mom, who was pretty sh*tty as a woman) and simply persevered to do my job.         

During the early part of training for this big fight, it felt like the difference between us was small, that with the level of experience and my particular talents, I was not that far off from the Champ.  Well, I don’t think anyone reading this journal would mistake me for someone who lacked confidence, and in thinking that I was a “champion-as-yet-to-be-discovered”, I was not surprised at how I was faring in training.  Then, as they say, sh*t got real.

We went west for the last four weeks of training, so that the Champ could get adjusted to the climate.  One day, during one of our training runs, me, along with the Champ, the other two sparring partners, and “the rabbit” (a friend of the Champ who was a track athlete), went running in the early morning Nevada heat. Now earlier that week, I had been able to fare well, coming in at a respectable rate behind the Champ and his paceman, and I even envisioned maybe beating them on a run.  Until I saw how wide the gulf was between me and the Champ.

After a little bit of Indian running (where one person takes the lead and the last in the line runs to the front) between us, the Champ hit another gear and with his rabbit, they took off.  I tried to keep to their pace but was failing, and as they pulled away, with each step I saw the difference between me and him.  That ineffable “whatever” was a part of the Champ and I did not have it.  And so, the question remained… how could I “get it”?  And I wondered if it took becoming a douchebag to win it??

I have thoroughly enjoyed my life.  Regrets are few, and the reason why that is, will be explained eventually.  But I have known that the “it” that people who seem to have more success at life than me, is something lacking in me and that is keeping me from attaining “whatever”.  And that, is my unfulfilled pursuit.

My “bucket list” has been exhausted and I am to the point where I am after new challenges to move me.  This missing piece of “something”, this lacking that I sense, is something that I want to eliminate from me.  In doing so, I think that I will have fulfilled my destiny.

The only “take back” I have had in my life is my marriage.  That is the only thing that has ever come up for consideration when it comes to things I wish that I hadn’t done.  And the reason has more to do with how I see the world and existence than it does with emotional angst.  My wife had shown me her character and had proven that she was a person that I was never going to be in synchronicity with.  I wish that I had been able to have obeyed my own kenning and left her to her own devices, but had I did that, my own life, the ups and downs that it contains, would have been unmade.  And that is something I could not imagine, living this life without the growth and adventures that I have had.  Which brings us to NOW.  

Given my frustrations and my desire to live a “quantified life”, I can at this point determine what will and what won’t be harmonic to my existence.  And that, is something that achievers all have done, and the things that do not feed directly into their desires and goals, they leave by the wayside.  They are comfortable with their idiosyncrasies and they are tireless in the pursuit.  I want to be more that way.  Not because single-mindedness is limiting… but being single-minded increases limits and capacity for things to be a part of you.

I’d make a note of those people who are surprisingly well-rounded, highly accomplished people, but again, that isn’t this blog.  What I will say, however, is that the trite “Facebook Philosophers” that post stuff about “how the people that aren’t blah, blah, blah” and “those who “blah, blah, blah,” were to really follow the wisdom of their posts, they would not have to post it… they’d be DOING IT.

I will still be blogging… but I don’t know if my personal details will be blog worthy material.  I don’t have issues with the people in my life, the concerns of my day-to-day are balanced by my overall pursuit of a well-lived life.  If anything, politics, because of my reliance on agencies of the State, both federal and locally, is a bigger concern than any person in my life.

Will Nebraska and I ever become friends?  Will Princess suddenly re-enter the picture??  Will my current friend ever come off probation??  Do you really give a sh*t??  This stuff matters to me and I DON’T.  But as I close this super long entry, I will say that Princess has been the subject of stuff relating to discussion about Jordan, the Champ, and the quality that I lack but hope to cultivate in time.                

RULES TO LIVE BY

TACTICAL

I am feeling strangely fine… the butterflies present because there are things that are still up in the air that I would have rather not be up in the air, hence the title of this entry.  Everything is still a go for my trip to Nutwood, and I think that I am turning the corner when it comes to my hopes and goals for my life.

Pecan Sandie is still at it with posting on Facebook… “just cause I post something doesn’t mean it is me”, then followed almost immediately by a direct,”why does bullsh*t happen” post that can’t be seen in any other way than as a comment about her then-current condition.  Whatever.  At any rate, she is back in her blame-denial with our daughter, giving me all kinds of sh*t about reconfirming contact information (even with my suspicions that her Mom’s sh*ts on mail from me) and that I can call/email Lexxie at my leisure.  The only thing I could say is, “Thanks!” and follow through with what I can on my end.  If there is one thing that I would want for anyone to get from my experiences with being a sh*tty non-custodial parent, it is this:  Not all parents who aren’t present in the lives of their children are willfully negligent.  They can have help, as is the case with me, with being pushed to the fringes of the lives of their child(ren).  My falling down on my end does not justify others from taking the opportunity to further hamstring a cat, now does it?

My attempts to get information from Pecan Sandie has been the basis for my recent Facebook agonies.  Facebook is my Ennis DeMar… I just cain’t quit it, at least not yet.  I hope that Lexxie emails me back (I’ve already written her) and we can truly have a dialogue.  But I am also aware that my demonization has been a useful tool to assert absolute blame upon, and that there are interests that move to keep the status quo between the three of us.  And enough about that … what about these shoes..?              

RULES TO LIVE BY

It has been nearly 20 years ago that I began to collect a series of quotes and statements that either always had held my attention or that would catch my mind as I found myself in personal and spiritual decline.  When I finally told myself “enough”, I wanted to be able to focus on the things that I could believe in, that could explain the situations that I could not understand, and finally to explain to me with clarity “why am I here?”.

Many of them have been with me for since my adolescence, when I thought that they were “cool to say” especially being a twerpy black kid.  But because they survived through my trip on the choppy seas of life and where I was at when I made the decision to take back my life, I put them to paper, and I would read them over and over, making my plans to find “anywhere that would have been better.”

While there are those “Rules” which lend themselves to absolute, I think that even in the most literal reading that there is room for liberal interpretation.  But the essence of the rule, the fact that the responsibility for its implementation is always with the reader, makes them unbending.

Finally, as smug and self-important as a journal can be, I have thought that by making this a public journal I would seem like an arrogant bullsh*t artist, talking about stuff he barely understood and could not work into his own life.  The redundancy of ideals that are in my rules has emerged from the phrase, “Redundancy saves lives”, ethos picked up in my time in the Army, and it makes perfect sense to me. Again, allowing for the arrogance to take from and promulgate these words as “my own philosophy” that is based on real world observation and not rumour or wish fulfillment, .I think gives me the right to claim what I do… that these ARE my “Rules To Live By”, and that I am doing just that, living by these rules.  It goes without saying that violations of these tenets to my thinking are dealt with most severely, which grew as an outcrop of what I have drawn from living my life.  Make of them what you will… some will be discussed as I am going to make this term off from school a time for internal review and planning for the future.

Rules To Live By

1. Answer questions on what’s best, never what’s easy.
2. There is only one decisive victory- the last.
3. A major victory can only be achieved by positive measures aimed at a decision, never by simply waiting on events.  In short, even in the defense, a major stake alone can bring a major gain.
4. Victory alone is not everything- but is it not, after all, what counts?
5. The first favourite was never heard of, the second favourite was never seen after the distance post, all the ten to oner’s were in the rear, and a dark horse, which had never been thought of, and which the careless St. James had never even observed in the list, rushed past the grandstand in sweeping triumph.
6. This is just the moment not to slacken.  All the races which the calendar holds, or nearly all of them, are won in the last lap; and it is then, when it is most hard, when… the end seems to recede before us- like climbing a hill when there is another peak beyond- it is at that moment we in this Island have have to give that extra sense of exertion, of boundless inexhaustible, dynamic energy that we have shown… tirelessness is what we have to show now.
7. In every battle there comes a time when both sides consider themselves beaten”  then he who continues the attack wins.
8. The secret of all victory lies in the organization of the non-obvious.
9. To ensure victory, the troops must have confidence in themselves as well as their commander.
10. If you fix your eyes upon details and neglect important things, your spirit will become bewildered, and victory will escape you.
11. Wise princes and republics should content themselves with victory; for when they aim at more, they generally lose.
12. If the leader is filled with high ambition and if he pursues his aims with audacity and strength of will, he will reach them in spite of all obstacles.
13. We cannot take this uncertainty too seriously, and it is important to be prepared for it from the beginning.
14. The minute we begin carrying out our decision, a thousand doubts arise about the danger which might develop if we have been seriously mistaken in our plan.  A feeling of uneasiness, which often takes hold of a person about to perform something great, will take possession of us, and from this uneasiness to indecision, and from there to half measures…
15. We must therefore, be confident that the general measures we have adopted will produce the results we expect.  Most important in this connection is the trust which we must have in our lieutenants.  Consequently, it is important to choose men on whom we can rely and to put aside all other considerations.  If we have made appropriate preparations, taking into account all possible misfortunes, so that we should not be lost immediately if they occur, we must boldly advance into the shadows of uncertainty.
16. After we have thought out everything carefully in advance and have sought and found without prejudice the most plausible plan, we must not be ready to abandon it at the slightest provocation.  Should this certainty be lacking, we must tell ourselves that nothing is accomplished in warfare (life) without daring; that the probable will always be probable though at the moment it may not seem so; and finally, that we cannot be readily ruined by a single error, if we have made reasonable preparations.
17. The third rule is never to waste time.  Unless important advantages are to be gained from hesitation, it is necessary to set to work at once.  By speed, a hundred enemy measures are nipped in the bud, and public opinion is won most rapidly.
18. Great men and women have never found the easy road to triumph.  It is the same old route- by way hard work and applied faith.
19. Discipline is doing what you are supposed to do, when you are supposed to do it, and always being ready to do what you are supposed to do it.
20. You can die from someone else’s misery, emotional states are as infectious as diseases.
21. The essence of power is the ability to keep the initiative, to get others to react to your moves.  You, yourself, must learn to master your emotions and never to be influenced by anger; meanwhile, however, you must play on people’s natural tendency to react angrily when pushed and baited.
22. Self-interest is the lever that will move people.  Once you make them see how you can in some way meet their need or advance their cause, their resistance to your requests for help will magically fall away.
23. Do nothing without regard to the consequences.
24. Dying for each other- getting so much more back.
25. Believe in yourself, have a passion for what you’re doing, and focus on attaining your goal with a laser-like precision… monitor your progress until you have accomplished them.
26. If in the affairs of the everyday-- the trifles of life… a man is inconsiderate and seeks only what is advantageous or convenient to himself that which belongs to all alike, you may be sure there is no justice in his heart, and that he would be a scoundrel on a wholesale scale, only that law and compulsion bind his hands.
27. Do not consort with fools, especially those who consider themselves wise.  And be not self-satisfied with your own ignorance.  Let your intercourse be only with men of good repute; for it is by such association that men themselves attain good repute.
28. Victory is ever worthy of praise, whether obtained by valour or by wisdom.
29. I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is the victory over self.
30. All my care will be to gain victory with the least shedding of blood.
31. what enables a good general to win without fail is always having unfathomable wisdom and a modus operandi that leaves no tracks.
32. GENERAL ORDERS

1.  I will guard everything within the limits of my post and quit my post only when properly

                relieved.

           2.  I will obey my special orders and perform all of my duties in a military manner.

          3. I will report violations of my special orders, emergencies, and anything not covered in            

               my instructions to the commander of the relief.

   33.  The formula for my happiness, a yes, a no, a straight line, a goal.

   34.  Never begin anything until you have reflected what will be the end of it.

   35.  Mistakes are always made when people get to the easy places.

   36.  Surprise is the fusion of speed and secrecy.

   37.  If we have our own why of life, we shall get along with almost any how…

   38.  The bite of conscious, like the bite of a dog into stone, is a stupidity.

   40.  To realize one’s destiny is a person’s only obligation.

   41.  Get in touch with what you need.  Visualize hour perfect day.  Make a business plan.             

           Take action!  -The four laws from “The Success Trap”

   42.  The three keys to (life) corporate & career acceleration- 1)  Clarify your three highest

          priority outcomes for the next six months.  2)  For each outcome, identify the three things

          you can do that will have the greatest positive impact on achieving it.  3)  Identify the six

          things you will stop doing so that you will have the time and energy to do what you need to

          do what you know you need to do to achieve these three outcomes.

THE CODIFIED LIFE X

TACTICAL

Now I am being lazy.
Stopping by the Park Ave. Commons Community center to make these entries has be preferable to getting my gift fired up, so here I am..!  What a lazy bastard..!  

Now in one way, it makes an understandable sense for me to want for a break.  I am going to go pick up London from the repair shop, then head on out to Rossi’s to pay down on my shirt.  After I do that, it is off to the gym to train and my day will be done!  The only difference is that I switched out my activity for going to class for the things that I will be strolling about and concerned with this afternoon.

Because I am so not afraid of hard work and grinding things out, many uninformed people have assumed that it is somewhat easy being me … from being a smart kid, to my early development as a hockey player/boxer, that for me, life was simply one unbroken walk through the lilies of the fields of life.  While nothing could be further from the truth, you could not tell people like my ex-wife or my early bonding with Nebraska that I was not some wide-eyed naif exploring the world in an amazed stupor.  La-di-da, whatever.

Much of my early enmity towards women in my journal was always, in my mind at least, as an appropriate reaction towards the prejudices that women have towards me or men in general.  See, I don’t really care what happened to you, if your husband left you financially broken, forcing you to live in a financial condition that you had thought was well behind you, wounded your spirit, and leaving you open to public scorn and ridicule by running off with a local trollop… that isn’t my fault and I had nothing at all to do with it.  What IS my concern and what I will be willing to accept is being a part of a journey that has an intense desire and burning to leave behind as much of that crap as  possible, and to evolve past all of the circumstance of the past.  A person willing to do that, now THAT is a person I am interested in.  Some people who I have written about during my own evolution, have not quite done that.  Maybe they are unaware that partial growth past “whatever” is worse than no growth at all.

...AND THE HYPOCRISY BEGINS....

          “A major victory can only be achieved by positive measures aimed

          at a decision, never by simply waiting on events.  In short, even in

          the defense, a major stake alone can bring a major gain.” -  CVC

These “Rules …” of mine are not to be interpreted literally.  They are meant for application at the appropriate moment and then followed.  Some would seem to contradict each other but as in life, warfare is the province of the uncertain.  The more certainty that one can find in their lives, the greater the increase of the probability of living a well-lived life.

Now I think that would make perfect sense.  The salesmen that Blake hauranges at the beginning of “Glengarry Glen Ross”, are, as a group, lost.  Failing away at the things they want but without the resoluteness to take the necessary steps to reach them.  The complaints that Baldwin’s character levies at them, “You're talking about what… bitching about that sale you shot, some son of a bitch that doesn't want to buy, somebody that doesn't want what you're selling, some broad you're trying to screw and so forth. Let's talk about something important…”  Well, yes, let’s talk about something important indeed.

I have never looked at my lack of either popularity or what people settle for as “friendship” as a hindrance because I was always happy.  I was fortunate in so many way to have been allowed to be a “social nomad”, something that many men intuitively engage in, and it is the one of the reasons that women think that they “understand” men, and falsely believe that men are unable to fathom the complexities of a woman’s mind.  And again… I beckon to talk about “something important.”

If you want to say I am beating a dead horse, then yes, I am beating a dead horse, because it is this type of vigor with which one must eliminate the traits and tendencies that lend themselves to unhappiness.  So from whatever angle you likely would approach Nebraska’s response to my reaching out to her during a dreaded “Ny-Quil night”, would be met with the consequence of violation of a rule of mine or a slander at my character.

Since I have mentioned my stance on “booty calls” and made lengthy explanations to her (and as well as journaled) to where I stand on the subject, I wonder what is there left to imagine when it comes to the kind of character she thinks I am made of?  And oh, let’s not go there, meaning let’s not bring in concerns about children.  Because for that to be a defense, then there must also be an admission that the assumption made about my intentions should never had been presented as a “justifiable reason” for letting someone who had thought of you as a “friend who could be relied upon”, been mentioned as “reason” for not being there for me.

So, no …. my moving here was NEVER about being with her.  And while unlike with Princess or Mookie Dee, the lack of depth (IMO) in Nebraska was never confirmed.  Being “a million miles apart” did not leave me with the ability to make any inference as to how our chemistry would mix.  That she fit several coincidental traits (being from Omaha, her knowing Mccathorn Clayton, driving what was at the time my “next new car”, et. al) that I could go on and on about, primarily because I think that it is still freakin’ incredible that I am in a place that made sense to me as a child  in 2nd grade when it came to where I wanted to live when I grow up! Getting back to the rule… I fail to see how one could be concentrated on the “positive measures aimed at reaching a decision” when the stronger case can be made that the negative issues that plague relationships, particularly those that emanate primarily from men are still the primary source of judging me, especially on a night where I call upon you.  But I would later observe an incident that would verify my assessment as someone who would be someone I disagreed with when it came to commitment to and obliged in a relationship.  As the rule featured in this entry implies, to simply “wait” is not good enough a reason for any action.  Certainly, I was not going to just wait for her to decide to invest in our possible relationship.  “F*ck me..?  Nah son, f*ck that!!”

THE CODIEFIED LIFE IX

 

TACTICAL

KT had her senior prom this a couple of weeks ago and she looked fabulous!  She is such a beautiful young woman, inside and out.  When I think of the Carolina gir--.er, the Carolina YOUNG WOMEN and how they have had been allowed the gift of knowing where as in Lexxie’s case, where she gets her wanderlust from, or in KT’s, to know that she has “inherited” her smarts from her Father AND now she is going to be attending her Dad’s school, I think is of great benefit and comfort to them.  I wish that Skye could have had the same  sense of inherited purpose as her sisters has but …

I am still tracking to make graduation as well as getting an “A” out of my Speech Class.  Still need to connect with my computer benefactor to get it up and rolling (the library is downtown, not far from work so there you go..!) and I am super grateful for it!  I mean, a potential problem is already solved, just need to continue to demonstrate the same kind of diligence and focus and I will get things do.

Nebraska gave me two plants a couple of years ago that I named after the Carolina Young Women, and like their real-life namesakes, they have outgrown their old place in my life… but UNLIKE the Carolina Young Women, I just need to re-pot them and that ought to do it.  I am glad that she gave them to me because thinking of them as my daughters has given me good company every day that I have had them.  It is doubtful that I would develop a greener thumb, but it still will be cool to have them around for a long time.  It should go without saying that whatever connection that they have with the giver has been evaporated.

On my recent Pynchon-like entries, Thomas left a comment on the one that featured a T.D. Jakes quote that I picked up from Facebook.  The idea that a person would “see a need” and go along as if nothing had happened and they made no observation that there should have been something placed upon their heart and soul, well…

WHY MY LIFE IS CODIFIED?

I would not be surprised if I have already covered this topic, but what else is a a journal is supposed to be about, if not for going over the niceties of one’s own life.  With recent developments having added an “example of immediacy” for study, I am going to refer to the most recent case model, the episode of my panic attack where I had no one to call upon, though I could not have been faulted for thinking that there was someone that would have been there for me.  Anywho, like many people who are vexed by their core relationships, lost in the throes of confusion on self achievement,  I found myself wondering what was going on in my life and with the interactions with those with whom I could reasonably expect to be closest to me.

As was the case when my marriage deteriorated, which found my sisters and Mother siding with my ex-wife, I was at a loss, both in the direct aftermath and in subsequent consideration, as to why things went the way that they did with Nebraska and myself..  First, there was the dreaded “booty call” gambit, which I had spent years explaining in email and instant messaging conversation that I believed meant something to her, that I had moved beyond that character flaw.  So I took and applied that reasoning to her perception of my character.  I have never been a cat who cried out for Mother, so I am wondering how is it that a person could believe that I would be as duplicitous as to make up an “emergency” for the opportunity for self-gratifying sex?  You know what..? F*ck that person!! (... and I truly mean, “f*ck that person”, because they just confirmed for me that they are comparing me poorly with the tropes about men, the men specific to their lives, and their poorly informed opinions)

Though the case can be made for my “mis-remembering” the sequence of events and the actual events that may have taken place, when there is a feeling I can attach to something concrete, something that I can have moored directly to a valued belief, then it is going to take “one more step” for a person to guard against becoming a disincorporated entity in my life.

With my “Rules To Live By”, not only do I know what kind of people to allow in my life, but I also know to what level of access to allow those that I have chosen to allow to be a part of my days and nights (which are the nights of my days) while they are a part of it.  The “Rules…” also takes the “...if they would just…” and all the magical thinking that feeds bad relationship out of the equation.  “If the rule that you used brought you to this,” begins Anton Chigurh, “of what use was the rule?”  This is the acknowledging of the possibility that one would feign weakness, overcome by some feeling, an error of judgment that takes the place of “love” and serves as an excuse for bad taste and worse judgment.  By accepting this as a part of my larger philosophical profile, it places the “blame” for my own personal unhappiness squarely upon me.

For what I have observed to be an exclusive club, when it comes to accepting the hard truths about oneself and the pursuit of ones burning desires, the membership roll’s numbers are small indeed.  For instance, even with my “for the win” comeback in the Connector Building at school, I have readily acknowledged my shortcomings and been accepting of the ones sussed out through the observations of others.  

“Am I a douche?”  Hmm, that is certainly not out of the realm of possibilities… I mean, sheepish guilt does not undo the crap I have done in my life.  But having reached a point of critical mass, where on the other side of reaction is the person I want to be and grow from,  as well as

the core of what I was, I felt that I needed to do more than offer myself empty platitudes.  

Being a “different kind of cat”, I knew that the change I wanted in my world, in my life, I first needed to see in myself.  That meant that I first had to apply these rules to myself and find their meaning in my life.

Some of my rules and axioms, like Carl Von Clausewitz quotes on making decisions and the connection that you have in your lieutenants, as well as Schopenhauer statements on trifles and how people deal with them, along with people who ain’t sh--, er, scoundrels and what not, have been repeated frequently.  But  my rules are similar to the face on the Steve Mariucci clock, the one where the numbers on the clock’s face have been replaced with the word “Now”.  There is no one particular rule that is the most important-- it is depending upon the situation and what the demands are.

On the list, the first three rules could all be said to be “the most important”.  They are:

1.  “Answer questions on what’s best, never what’s easy.” - CVC

From leaving my abusive first wife, to deciding to finally blow the “...provincial town…” along with the broken relationship I had with Mookie Dee, and possibly including the expelling of Nebraska from my life, figuring out “what’s best” is simple.  The complication is in the execution of what’s best.  Realizing that the time is “now”, acting, which includes the planning stages of whatever question that must be answered,

One of the problems that many of us have is doing what seems to be the hardest part, taking the first step.  A lot of people,by my own personal estimation of what is their proverbial “first step”, just cannot seem to make take that initial step.  As with Mookie Dee and my ex-wife, it was not easy but it was necessary.  The moment that I reached the limit with Mookie Dee, I had been preparing for weeks beforehand, so I was not caught in an extreme position of distress.  It was not easy, as I journaled at the time, with my commitment to the relationship that I was in v. my own self-interest.

“My name is Easy, but I take the hard way out.” - Eric Wright

Honestly, it is NEVER easy to decide to end a relationship.  But the line of control for what is best against what is easy for most of us exists in one’s mind, usually resting around desire and comfort.  By taking an idea and trusting in the process that spawned it,  and being content with the growth that occurs from delaying a probable happiness for the disappointment that comes from throwing oneself at the feet of an unrepentant “love thief”, is not easy.  But what it is, and what should make up for the rush of the moment, is that it is what is best.  The reason that, at least as far as I can tell, that many people get caught up in their own egoism, their own present moment and circumstance.

Yeah, another longish entry… but I am sure that once I get my gift squared away that I will be catching up with those who still are blogging.  And if there is no one for me to catch up with, then I am back to writing “scriptures in the wasteland”!