Rules To Live By

"If ...

... your self discipline were equal to your determination, you could do just about anything." -Unknown

That is the main reason I never blame anyone (completely!) for the 'less than good' things that have occured in my life. For instance, when you bomb that crucial exam, or you still can't fit into the new dress you bought, whatever the situation you have fallen short of you goals on, what did you do that influenced how things 'broke'?

When I started this journal, I didn't think it would turn into a 'relationship diary', but it has become that, at least for now. Part of it, is because I want to be the 'determin' in my determination. And Carl Von Clauswitz, defines the 'fog of war' as "The great uncertainty of all data in war is a peculiar difficulty, because all action must, to a certain extent, be planned in a mere twilight, which in addition not infrequently — like the effect of a fog or moonshine — gives to things exaggerated dimensions and unnatural appearance", which I equate with the feelings that you have when you get the 'urge' to do something out of the ordinary, or runs counter to the direction you want to go or to what you want to achieve.

You have checked out all the study materials, cleared your area so you won't be distracted. Been exercising for the last month, and the ball is only ten days away, haven't been late night snacking or anything. Or, you have not called Tee Jay, like you said you wouldn't, but jeez, tomorrow is Valentine's Day!! I would not be truthful, if I did not admit to a faction in me that wants to call, and then ...

In this situation, looking over my life, I have figured out, if I am going to 'drunk call' (which for me, is a catch-all term, not a practice. Irony is, were I to get 'drunk' then I would be LESS likely to do something stupid), I would have to also accept the responsibility for what I was doing. "Never begin anything until you have reflected what will be the end of it." -Unknown.

So I sit (actually, I have long ago already 'sat' ...) asking myself, if I can live with the consequence of calling ... a simple cost benefit analysis gives me my answer. I am not unique in doing this. Maybe they don't dredge up military theory or make some sports connection to do it. But they do. And it gets universal at the point where emotions overcome logic.

I like to think that the name of Hole album, 'Live Through This', is what I fall back on, particularly when I think one choice is the worst of all possiblities. From long runs, to sparring sessions, to a host of personal experiences where I simply had to find a way to do as Kipling wrote, to 'fill the unforgiving minute', then whatever I would do, as long as it wasn't the worst of all things, I would do.

Slowly, I began to learn how to make better choices that were 'further from the bottom.' Don't second guess that I am learning it now instead of earlier. I want to get after 'it'. That I know differently, I am doing and being 'different'. So it doesn't matter that I 'used to do this', because I have decided that I am 'going to do that' (need I remind you, that 'this and that' aren't related?).

And that is that, with that.

DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY

Because I haven't often been in the position of wanting someone who doesn't want me (doesn't mean, I can't like, lust, fantasize, obesses, stalk, LOL!), I can only speak from what I think goes on.

With Mookie, I think she is still as attractive as all get out, and a fine, fine person a decent enough human being. None of which mitigates the crap she put me thru. Because I had the experience to know that even with the relationship being a bummer, I would 'miss' her. So I spent time during my 'dead man's walk', thinking about some of the things about her that I loved. Because when the time came, I wanted to get gone, and I did not want the 'mission creep' to interfere with my getting gone, '... with the least shedding of blood.'

So I sit here, wondering what it would be like to share a special day with Nebraska, or the 4-H queen that I will no doubt run into. I wonder what it would be like to go to Caesar's Windsor with the Fly Skimmie, or visit Chicago and see my Best Sister. Maybe a road trip to Mackinac with AKA ... but I DON'T want to experience nothing with the 'been there, done that' Mookie.

Yes, it has been a process. But it was thought out, and whatever it took to go in the direction that I determined, is what I have been doing, since I made the choice to leave her. "We cannot take this uncertainty too seriously, and it is important to be prepared for it from the beginning."

Though Mr. Wolf warned Jules and Vinent about 'going off and something something' (if you saw the movie, you will remember what he told them not to do!) in 'Pulp Fiction', when they got part of the jam they were in, fixed, I am going to say that I don't expect to call Tee Jay this weekend for sure. And maybe I will pick up with why I am not taking this 'uncertainty too seriously'.