IN THE NEW YEAR

I don’t find myself being angsty these days.  First, making the move to Omaha, a place that had been calling me since before I was even aware of myself, has fit me better than expected.  Moments have come and passed, and save for my encounters with automobiles, I have not been found wanting, nor have I been disappointed by my decision.  Regularly enough, I have asked myself, “Is this still the place?  Do you want to go somewhere else??” Each time, a quick and decisive NO is the reply.  This is even with the state of affairs that was my love life… from Nebraska, to Princess, a place holder (well, there were TWO but this isn’t that kind of journal anymore..!) and finally, Kitty.

The deterioration between Kitty and myself was not unforeseen.  Having incorporated the philosophy of a fictional psychopath (admittedly, not the BEST of role models... ) to base my objective happiness upon, I felt less guilt and responsibility for the fail than in any relationship previously, which includes the fail of my marriage (which I, ultimately, bear the majority of weight for).  The only unknown that is left (you know… WHAT IF she/I had done...) concerning me & Kitty doesn’t merit enough reason to be given words to describe.  What IS known is that there was no lack of want on her end.  In saying that, she did lack for real world effort in making things work between us.  It bothered me because I had voiced what I was looking for and in spite of conversations about my wants and needs, she never gave any indication that she found anything to my desires or meeting my needs. She had what she wanted… a partner that she considered handsome and caring, and that was that.  Her lack of adaptation to my wants in a partner was very frustrating.  This left me to believe that  my desires in a relationship as being  unimportant to her.  Unfortunately, the desires to which she paid no heed,  were pillars to “the why” I chose to be in a relationship with her… and though I went into the relationship aware of the risk (if I was ever to let the risk factor dissuade me from action, I would still be stuck in the hometown of Mookie Dee)  ultimately, she proved not be the one for me.  There were many positive factors to Kitty, BUT they had no bearing on whether or not I was happy.  Not only did she not give me any reason to believe that she valued me being “in” our relationship, she also crossed the “red line areas” that I presented her with at the beginning of our getting together.  When the last line was crossed, that was that with that.

We are still Facebook “official”.  Also, we are still sharing Netflix and Spotify accounts.  The reason why you may ask is this:  I don’t want to engender any bad will towards me and my efforts by taking unnecessary risks/actions.  My focus is on getting my business going, taking care of advancing in my current profession (whatever that may be), returning to school and making sure my relationship with my sisters continue to grow strong.

KT continues to lean on me for emotional support.  I have always known that the two of us have a bond, but our circumstance is not one where I dwell on it, nor do I speak on how much I have impacted her life.  But her early adulthood has been one that finds her reaching out to me as her father and my being there for her and her Mom.  KT’s Mother and I have always had regular conversations, but as we look forward to her graduation from college, I feel that in a more legitimate way than I even realize, I have played a defining role in our daughter’s life, and it has been for the good of everyone involved in KT’s development.  It is just as I have always said (were anyone to come and ask me!), her Mom made up in her mind what she wanted for our daughter… and I only had one thing to ask of my co-parent to assure that she would have what she wanted.

Me and the Twins (my youngest siblings) are friends again.  This Christmas could have been spent at a family get-together in Georgia where my Army sis has made her home with her family.  My Dad and her Twin, the Twin with her Air Force daughter and husband in tow, all were there.  I couldn’t go because of my obligations, but I do plan on finding my way down to Georgia in the coming year.  Now, the odd thing about my Army Sister being in Georgia, is that my ex-wife and my oldest daughter, Skye, both have relocated down there as well!  I would not mind rattling my ex-wife’s cage because I can, but I am sure I would behave more mature at the eventual crossing of paths.  This eventuality is pretty well assured as my oldest has reached out to me and we have established an open line of communication.  That has been the biggest reward that 2019 had for me,my twin sister and I are again talking, and that me and Skye have been able to talk and get to know one another.

Finally, I am not sure if I am the only one late to the game, the whole “cancel culture” that we are moving into is kind of intimidating to say the least.  First, I did not know that it was a “thing”.  See, like with “ghosting”, I thought it was simple human social behavior.  Like with ghosting, cancel culture has been around for quite some time.  But now it has been weaponized and aims to do harm.  Recently, two events made me more distinctly aware of the social phenomenon and they both have left me none the worse for wear… and essentially, I don’t care!

The author JK Rowling drew the ire of the cancel culture because she supported a scientist whose social thinking did not fall into the more enlightened way of thinking about sexual orientation.  While I will not detail the incident further than linking to it, I felt that she did what she should have, given her experiences and from the point of view she was looking at the matter at hand.  Second, I believe that I HAVE BEEN CANCELED by a person online who I thought of as a friend, in a real, tangible way.  While I am sure that I would have found my way around to being where I am now (spiritually), I am also glad that I had encountered the article first.

My apologies for the vagueness of this part of the entry. But it ties up everything in my mind, and that has become crucial over the last couple of years, that I can make sense of the things in my environment, and to prioritize and separate things into my current thought matrix.  See, I have not enjoyed the luxury of being a part of a group of influence.  I was never “like” as a child, much less well-liked.  That never was something I expected, as I saw my worth in objective standards, be it grades in school, dealing with senior NCO’s in the military, or supervisors when gainfully employed.  Of all the questions that I have about my life, none of them ever concerned whether or not I was “liked”. That said, this being canacled hurt, hurts in the same way it hurts whenever I have been slighted or ignored because I don’t meet an arbitrary standard of the crowd.  Still, as grave diggers the planet over are wont to answer… “I can dig it”whenever there is something to be dug, I can also “dig it”.  After all, that is my responsibility.

RECENT HAPPENNINGS

I have been moved for over two months now.  Not only am I happier, but I really like the neighborhood that I am in.  Located behind Joslyn Castle, the Dundee area is quirky, with a mix of different groups, from middle class to the low-upper caste of our socio-economic system.  Some of the house are FAN-tastic, and it harks back to parts of the Motor.  

The next big social event on my calendar is a local production of the Rocky Horror Picture Show.  The female lead, a former co-worker at the gym where I work, is someone I consider a friend.  I want to be there to cheer her on in her chosen career, and if she does stuff that I can get someone to take me to go see her perform, I will.  She is a cool person and I want to be considered a supportive friend in her life.  Kitty will also be attending, and we are planning an excursion to Indiana to visit Nutwood.  Yes, we are still separate, and our relationship is in a decaying orbit.  But I have softened as I have grown older, and rather than rip myself out of her life, I have chosen to step-by-step ease away from her.  The tenuous hold that she maintains in my mind is just that.  Understanding that she is doing all that she can to keep herself in my orbit, I don’t see where an unnecessary escalation of emotional discord will do me any good, especially at this stage of my comings and goings.  While she doesn’t want to understand that she breached a trust that cannot be repaired, I do, both know what she did and why it is beyond her to make up for it.  So there!

This weekend I will be at the Walk for Parkinson’s in Stinson Park.  There, I will be presenting with another local coacThe previous presentations I have been a part of have gone well, but I have not been able to capture the positive burst of exposure that comes from them.  That will not happen this time!  Not only do I have more people committed to helping with the program, but I am more determined than ever to get things off the ground!  Meanwhile… unbeknownst to everyone, I have been intentionally losing weight.  I am down over 20lbs from August, when I became more mindful of how I was eating.  This is the first time that I have deliberately lost weight… notice that I did not say that I am dieting.  I have been more mindful of what I eat and I have been watching the portions a bit closer.  The pizza and burgers are still part of my diet, and that will be for some time until I feel settled.  But I do eat more fruit and less carbohydrates.  Eventually I want to be able to have a set diet, but that is for next year.

Another thing for next year: school.  I have every intention of being in a class, online or otherwise, as I shoot for my Master’s in Exercise Science.  I think adding letters to my last name is something I look forward to in my 60’s.  Finally, I am not as worried about my health, as I did not feel a concern for an issue that has been a part of my life for over the past 15 years and only fairly recently, caught anyone’s attention.

Since I don’t have the internet (save for my phone) I don’t get the chance to make entries or check for how others are fairing.  Hope everyone is well and I wish you all nothing but the best!

THE DAWN OF THE MOST PROMISING SUMMER IN YEARS

It has been a challenge to rebalance myself.  There seems to be a shortage of time and opportunity, but that is not true.  Focus, which is a cognitive process that has been developed through evolutionary processes, requires more energy to use.  It can be seen when we allow ourselves to “veg out” either on the computer or in front of the television.  Decisions that utilize little effort are made by our default or “system one” brain processing.  Too often, whenever convenience is can be seen as the primary option, and is the easiest choice of the available options, it will be the choice that the brain chooses.  This is one of the dilemmas of being human, to be willful and choose effort over comfort, work over the ease of doing nothing.

There needs to be a strategy to develop my downtown Rock Steady franchise.  The “if you build it, they will come” approach only work if there is something that is “built”, and that hasn’t happened yet.  While cold-calling is still a valid approach, it needs to be more honed-in and not this random “hither and yon” way I have been functioning.  I am left to wonder if this is because of hesitancy on my part, if there is something inside of me that is being intimidated by the prospect of being a business proprietor.  Which brings me…

I have begun to openly wonder if I am not leaning on my condition for an excuse.  Not only without or as the world sees me, but more importantly, but from within and how I see myself.  Whether this is me blaming my environs (not that I am, but the word “tired” was not a part of my personal vocabulary until I moved with Kitty) and not taking responsibility is open to discussion.  The truth of the matter is that I have to make sure that I hold my own feet to the fire and do the difficult work that building something from scratch demands.  Rock Steady Indianapolis provides more than enough support to help a franchise-- the question is what am I doing to take advantage of it?

In other personal news, me and my youngest sisters have formally “buried the hatchet”.  They both have terminated relations with the oldest girl in our family, which is a net positive for the both of them.  They both have lived their lives and have managed their families as well as anyone could have hope, given their individual circumstances.  Now, having added Skye to my life, I feel more whole than I prolly deserve to feel.  Anywho, I remember what I had in mind when I set my hopes, my dreams, on moving to Omaha and rejuvenating my life.  For better and for the not-so-much, the things that I primarily had in mind coming her has been what I have been what my life has been about.

I am well (polyp or not) physically and in a great place mentally.  Now I need to summon the energies that I have available to me from not having “drama” around to be a concern, and apply the twilight of the promise of my youth and make something worthwhile of myself for my daughter’s and, most importantly, for myself.  I am going to resuming being the person of which it can be said, “That kind of stuff happens to other people, but that NEVER happens to Mark!!”

...AND NOW WE FALL UPON THE DARKEST OF THE WOOD

ALTITUDE CLIMBING

This is going to be a tactical entry… maybe even a long-range planning brainstorming session.  For what it is worth, I feel comfortable with my ability in my Algebra class, leading me to wonder if I need a slower pace to keep up, since on the 2nd go ‘round, the stuff comes easier to me.  Or perhaps, I need to simply work harder than I have been.  That idea of hard work and all the effects that are associated to it, encapsulated by a new phrase, “Embrace the suck” (used by the military), has always had a particularly keen resonance with me.  It also plays no small part in why I would rather be in my neo-Quixotic pursuit alone than partnered with someone who is looking for what is “owed” them by life.

State ended up winning the Big Ten Championship by beating the Ohio State Buckeyes, and you KNOW that I was extremely happy.  But the thing that added to my enjoyment and savoring of the win was the way my co-workers and club members showed their appreciation for my happiness!  That is something that had heretofore been unique to only my blogging persona and the friends I have made out here.  While it was in a sense a new experience for me, indirectly I have prepared for how I would respond to such moments, by making a practice of being gracious and appreciative in ALL things, so that when something major happens, I am going to be prepared for the situation.  And that is how I was able to deal with my latest bout of depression.

As one of the expected by-products of my condition, dealing with depression has been one of the most privately held issues that I have had to cope with in blogging.  In many ways, depression spurred me to begin blogging, as I am self-described as a social introvert.  Nebraska can certainly attest to my disdain for company, and I would think that the lack of mentions of her or Princess would confirm that I am not sitting around pining away for another person to share my space with.  So loneliness is something that I feel has been “solved for”, and that it was not a source of what I felt for the past few weeks.

The victory by the Spartans undoubtedly did more for me than anyone else could in my quadrant of the human galaxy.  See, the game represented the kinds of things that I expect of myself and of others who would be a part of my life, winning and being victorious in a memorable fashion.  Meritocracy does still matter and triumphs, but you have to believe in your methodology and be strong enough to see things through to their conclusion.

LIVING IN THAT MOMENT

I was thinking of how I began to withdraw from social contact and one of the driving forces was the inability of other people to “see things” in the world.  Not as I see them, but their inability to look through the superficial layer of systems and draw their own conclusions.  That should be understandable, as I am nothing if not a mixer and (ab)user of metaphors and that hopefully hints at my willingness for a deeper understanding of my existence.  Given how much I have been influenced by the books I have read, some of which discussed “the purpose of things”, both in the concrete and the abstract, this admission would should not be surprising.  Though most of those who have continued to read my journal do understand this trait of mine, IRL, a lot of what I hope is expressed through my patois unfortunately gets “lost in the wash”.

 When I find myself twisting in the existential angst that is my bouts of depression, I wonder about what it would be like if there was “a someone who was that someone” for me to call upon.  Usually, I summarily dismiss the idea and it usually brings about the end of my descent.  See, I understand that depression is a condition that is unique to those afflicted with it and for people to deny it place as a disease (lookin’ at YOU Scientologists!!) simply are ignorant of facts.  Depression has been observed in animals and while there are those who do make a crutch of the word, it is not something that is merely “a feeling based on chemicals” that can be corrected by a constant change in attitude.  That is the type of bias that leads people to think that homosexuality is a curable disease and hold fast the fears of miscegenation.  But in many communities, depression is still seen as a disease that afflicts only people in a certain socio-economic class, and people who display certain characteristics and chief among them is an inability to deal with “first-world problems”.  Still, it is ignorance of the highest level to say that depression is nothing more than a person seeking attention.  In fact, it could be ignorance that makes depression such a scourge… as I was saying, there are elements in some social communities where depression is seen at best, as a weakness and at worst, is greeted with denial.

“Nature shows that with the growth of intelligence comes increased capacity for pain, and it is only with the highest degree of intelligence that suffering reaches its supreme point.”  Arthur Schopenhauer

While I substitute “awareness” for intelligence (because that further ingrains the bias toward the disease), I don’t think it is surprising that in self-aware animals that depression can be seen.  There has to be a greater sense of one’s place to appreciate the depths of hopelessness that one experiences… even when THERE IS NO REASON TO FEEL THAT WAY.

To wit:  Anyone who feels that they know me is aware of how I identify with Michigan State, and with the basketball team beating Kentucky to start the season and the football team winning the Big Ten Championship over Ohio State, I was feeling objectively and demonstrably “good”.  I was more than good, the victories made me “happy”.  But even with the good feelings that the victories represented to me, “the black dog” still took up residence in my life.

I grew up with great admiration for Winston Churchill and his leadership of England in the second World War.  Reading about him and discovering that he suffered from depression only increased his esteem in my thoughts.  That is where I took the term “the black dog” to describe those moments where I was really sad as a teen.  But I never used the term “depression” to describe those states because I was still too much of myself and not overcome by the black dog.  In fact, the black dog itself was merely a caricature of what it has become… from a small, gruff-looking mongrel, to a huge and ominous creature.  It would be after I lost my job in Southfield and was struggling with getting to my feet in the “provincial town I once jogged ‘round” that I sought help… and even that decision was providential.

...BECAUSE THAT IS THE KIND OF STUFF THAT HAPPENS TO OTHER PEOPLE…

Even while I am not religious, I cannot find any other word to describe how I have felt about my life other than “blessed”.  It connotes all of the reasons why I feel the way I do about living, the depth of emotions that wells up, and that it isn’t something that I just thought about since my diagnosis.

When I say that I “love my life”, I mean it as completely as that phrase can be understood.  In fact, a small corner in my mind is reserved for a tragic end, not because I am a fatalist, but because I feel that I am living on “extra time”.  My life has already contained more fun and opportunity that two of most other people, and while I do feel a small twinge of guilt for not making more of it, the fact remains that this existence was given to ME, to make of it what I will.  So for all those other roads that wind and bend in the Nexus of Realities that would have led me to glory and universal acclaim, later for that stuff!  Because those other roads could have led me into a world of sulfur and brimstone (or I should have just said Del Ray and left things at that!!) and that is the point… there are no assurances that I would have had THIS LIFE…

I have three beautiful daughters, two who do talk and visit, one of whom makes it a point to keep me in her life.  There are MILLIONS of cats who can’t say that and it it isn’t a matter of pride with which I announce this with.  It is just the way things played out, with everyone playing their part and making the best choices they could.  Those decisions by me and my co-parents, led everyone to where we are now… and the future is yet to be written and sent to the copy editor for final revisions.  And while I am chronically broke, the steps that I feel that I should take to alleviate that mild hardship is viable and in visual range.  Just a dot, but I can see it!

Every day is the two quarters that Coach Gaines presages in his speech.  And after those two quarters… that’s it.  And as for me being alone and my relationships that had their high moments but eventually crashed and burned?  Well, it was about not what I wanted or even they may have wanted… but it was the perception that our relationship would never be honest, that there would always be something held back, kept in reserve…

… and I would never be able to look the person who was doing that and professing to have deep feelings for me at the same time.  I would rather fall alone than to be with someone who knowingly kept themselves from being present when the moment called them to account.  And since that is one of the agents that fuel depression, trust me when I say that is one that has been solved for...

ON THE ROAD TO MANDALAY

RIGHT NOW I JUST FEEL GOOD

I have been on cruise control ever since I sent KT home last month.  She has grown so much as a person and I could not be more honored that she came out to see me.  I have always felt that way about being able to have her with me.  That she respects and follows my instructions speaks volumes about her Mother.  KT could not be a better young woman and I look forward to being a part of her life.

Monday is when I will go and pick up our photos.  They have been ready since July 25^th, but I did not check the receipt for the portraits, thinking that they would either call or email me when they were ready.  I will post a couple of the pictures when I get them both here, and on Face Book.  I wonder what my oldest and her Mom will think of them when they see them on my Face Book page; hopefully they would inspire Skye to want to venture out for a few weeks herself.

What would make me miss calling KT on her birthday?  If I was going to make sure of ANYTHING in life, it would be to acknowledge KT on her birthday!  But what had happened was I had a fall one evening on my bike, Madison, coming home late from my new job.  It was not my “fault”, in that the road was slick and I was making a turn and I fell.  There was a little bruising, a little road rash on my right arm and left hand.  It “hurt” but the pain was not necessarily concerning.  But when I experience events where my body is jerked around and I my head does not actually strike anything or is not struck, it is similar to the whiplash that people in car accidents suffer.  Having a permanent brain injury makes me way more susceptible to concussions occurring.

The first thing that happens, even before my nervous systems begins registering “pain”, is it feels like the pitch and tone of the world around me is muted.  I have a feeling that is reminiscent of computer code being flashed on a screen, ones and zeroes filling the screen in the same line after line fashion that is the trope for super-complicated computer systems going off-line.

I am still conscious.  Concerned voices can be heard in the near distance and people are asking me questions, “Are you alright?” asks one.  “Do you think you need an ambulance?” inquires another.  My answers are forming but everything is not to order and more diagnostics are being run.  The seconds stretch, as all of this takes but a few minutes, but finally I begin to respond.

“No”, I say.  “That is not necessary.”  I am untangling myself from around Madison and a man who pulled his car around to be nearer to me helps me to my feet.  As we make small talk with me again declining his offer to call EMS, and we observe the slickness to the area of pavement that I wiped out on, I tell those who were responding to my fall that I will walk the rest of the way home.  This seems to ease their concern, though I could still hear a woman’s voice in the background saying, “I still think he should be looked at.”

Home is little over a half-mile away and it is a warm evening, so the walk actually felt nice.  I could tell that there was going to be soreness and I did not want to look and see the torn skin on my upper arm and leg, though it did not seem to be THAT bad at the time (and would be confirmed later).

So I have been going on with a “walking concussion” this week and before anyone gets on me for what I “should have done”, child please!!  I KNOW that I am not the only “club member” who struggles with their disability and make similar decisions for their own personal reasons.  It made sense then and it makes sense now.  And Tuesday, no matter what the physician suggests, it will make sense then, too.

And now you know why I don’t talk about my injury and my daily dealings with it.  This is blog is not a play for sympathy or pity.  I journal, and since that is what I am claiming that I do, I feel like I should at least occasionally relate some of what I face with my injury.

BUT REALLY, I DO FEEL GOOD

Sunday, I went to dinner at my girlfriend’s house.  Her two youngest boys (9 and 6 years old) want to see me and encouraged their Mom to ask me over this evening!  How cool is that?

Now it may have slipped notice but did mention that I have a job!  I am really excited about my new position, in a fitness center for a company that I have not familiarized myself with but I do plan doing just that!!  It seems to be very stable organization, and while my position is not glamorous, it is in a place that I want to be.  Now I know what I am going to school for, to eventually be an exercise science/fitness major.  That is not a precise definition, but it is pointing me in the direction that I want to go.

As with my job, where I am at in my life is not “the end of the road” as much as it is a sign of “the road I am on”.  I have always wondered if it was more important to know the destination of the road you are on, or should it be a priority that you have a destination to go to?  Sampling a quote of the former Pacific Lutheran football coach Forrest “Frosty” Westering, "… said all along that it's the trip, not the destination, that is important…. The goal is not the end of the road; the goal is the road itself.”

For me, this has always been the aim of living.  Not to “get somewhere” or even to “be” something.  I have always wanted to be heading in the direction of my dreams and let what happens, happen.  This way, I feel fulfilled and can take solace (when appropriate) that I have been out and in the field, striving to make my desires happen.  This is prolly where the critiques that I make of women and how some of them handle relationships stem from.  Objectively, I am less harsh when I encounter conversation about how men and women interact socially, and I am moved to offer my “two cents” in a discussion.  Also, I never “advise” someone from my own perspective, but as a neutral and unbiased as I can be.  So it should not be surprising that I can tell a person one thing and then make a statement that would appear to reference a similar episode in my life that would make one wonder where I am coming from. 

THEORY AND PRACTICE

When it comes to personal relationships I have been disappointed in how many times what people say is not what it is they really want, if actions being the judge of their passion for their objective.  I mean, since the prevalent meme is that men are immature, commitment-phobic, mamma’s boy, with little in the way of direction and are hyper-sexualized underachievers, whose stylizations of women is informed by video games and rap songs, then what is the issue in identifying a cat who is NOT a member of this broad characterization?  This is not only a query for those women who consistent choose obviously bad partnerships to be in, but for those who appear to be more balanced on the first few surface levels and then simply are “off on some other sh*t” when it comes to being in a committed relationship.

Whenever I am making a broad generalization about the fairer sex, as Thomas once noted, some of my views is mixed with my own experiences, both current and historic, as well as on my observations and encounters “in the field”.  And as I have said before and will say once again, my journal is a place to vent those feelings.  I do NOT go hold any ideas or thoughts as “concretes”, and am willing to allow someone the benefit of the doubt until they invalidate my faith in them as a person, or more intimately, as a partner.

And I guess when I get back to these parts, I will pick it up from there.  

SHOULD THE EXISTENCE OF EVIL BE EXCLUSIVE?

PRELUDE:
My last entry began with an apology because what was on my mind was destined to come out quite inartfully and had the potential to offend people. And for those that did not find my tack offensive, I was expecting to be misunderstood. Going after religion and/or theology in general is not on my radar. Having said that, let’s see what else in playing in Mark’s Mindhouse…



THE NEUROCHEMICAL BASIS…


Anyone remember the book, 'The Bell Curve'? It is doubtful that anyone has actually read it, checking in over 900 pages, filled with jargon and technical writing. The subject matter was to build a case that innate intelligence is a better predictor of what kind of choices that a person makes in their life, and how they deal with the different things that they would encounter in it.

The book has become a foundation piece in the argument for racial superiority. A whole bunch of people found their panties in a because of a few sentences that teases that the differences in intelligence is a result of genetics… i.e. race. Of course, the resulting uproar of the implication that blacks were inferior to whites (if I am remembering correctly, whites were superior to everyone, but don’t quote me on that) obscured any of the analysis that was made. Were there things that the larger society could have learned from open discussion of the book’s assertions? Again, I don’t know but I can talk about something that I think happened.


A failing of both theology and empirical, scientific study, is that it depends on the imperfect observer to determine and make sense of the data. You eliminate that flaw and then I guess I will have to come down one way or the other. For my money, neither position has the necessary objectivity to convince me that their view is more correct or plausible than the other.

From the skimming of ‘The Bell Curve’ that I did at the time, I could not ignore the possible bias  that the American Enterprise Institute’s conservative roots, a group that one of the book's authors, Charles Murray, who is a member, had on the findings.  It makes sense to me that would complicate his claim of objectivity, as the results were 'more equal' in his findings than to others.


TIT FOR TAT

I can’t remember the authoress, save that I know it was a black female who wrote a book that was more of a collections of addresses and essays she had given and was well-received by her audiences.  I read it while in college and I asked myself “Why should they have been well-received?” It wasn’t like she was speaking in front of non-believers but in front of congregants who were willing to suspend independent thinking for themselves and let her do the thinking for them and believe in what she was talking about. And essentially what she was talking about gave me the title for this entry.


She laid out a premise that (bear with me and know that I don’t subscribe to ANY of what she said) led to the genetic differenceswhites making white people predisposed to evil, more so than peoples of color. Between Jared Loughner who prolly saw the world in a way that related more to the visions that took hold of Bill Lee in ‘Naked Lunch’, and the truly monstrous Kermit Godsell, I can make a makeshift case of debunking BOTH alleged scientific beliefs along with the questions I would have with blind faith in a supreme being. For me, I’d model my argument against of racial superiority by affirming that we all from the same genetic pool.

As far as things go with religion… no matter what answers to the questions that I have had pop into my mind that I have received, the one from when I was a child, never has been satisfied. There is significance in how the faith in a belief system accurately reflects the image of its
believers. Here in America that isn’t what is going on. As an African-American child I was unable to have my face reflected in the symbolism of the ‘white, blue-eyed and blond haired Jesus’ that hung in many houses of worship. The subsequent ‘browning’ of the son of God did absolutely nothing to dispel that persistent question in my mind, organically grown of why didn't Jesus look like me. Later I would confirm the importance of having ones self-image reflected in the deity of choice. When it comes to convincing me otherwise of the relevance of Christianity to me as a black men, there are centuries of contrarian behavior to be accounted for that can’t be explained away. Don’t have to pick on the Papacy or talk about the Dark Ages… there are 400-plus years here in America that Christendom still has to answer for in my eyes.

When it comes to science I don’t think I will ever be convinced of the pure, android-like objectivity claimed by the community that their view of existence is correct either. I mean, I am just some guy with a blog but what we are to fish, could we also not be to a God?

The two things I am certain of in the theology v. science debate are that we don’t know and that one day this (meaning me) vessel will come to its final dock. There is so much that is beyond explanation that we don’t know and may never know about existence. I’d like to think once we find out, then all the lights will go out, a curtain will fall and that is it. Either that, or things will end like ‘The Truman Show’. Either way, I am more than cool with whoever is right as both could be wrong.

NOW, FOR LIGHTER THOUGHTS

One thing that I have forgotten to mention has been to let readers know that any comment left is prone to being replied to, via e-mail. Some folks reply to people in the comments but I am not comfortable with that format… I used to do a post centered by a few selected comments but I sort of think there is a trust that in a conversation that gets broken by making what is my reply open for all to see. So if you mind me emailing you, please let me know.


Football games tomorrow… I would like to see a Packer-Steeler Super Bowl but it could be any two of the four teams left that could win tomorrow without surprising me in the least. While anytime you have a competition boiled down to its very best contestants, all four of this season’s conference championship game participants are deserving of ultimately being crowned Super Bowl Champion.

The characters and character issues seem to reside in the AFC games. Though the Rooney family is known for taking a stance against having miscreants in the organization, Ben Rothlisberger is a cat that is a mark against that record. As for the Jets, they not only employ some cats whom, may have rehabilitated themselves as far as attitude, have a sketchy past as well. In fact one of their playoff heroes, Santonio Holmes, IS an example of the Steeler organization saying ‘enough is enough’ of a key player and letting them walk away for a pittance in return. And I haven’t forgotten Rex Ryan and his foot fetish being leaked out… by his WIFE!!

I would like for the Packers to win because of Aaron Rodgers. He is playing lights out and it would cement him in Packer lore as more than the guy who followed Bret Farve. I also can see the Bears winning and honoring the legendary ‘Monsters of the Midway’ mythology, provide Jay Culter doesn’t self-destruct.

No matter who wins I will be happy. But if I did have to pick a winner, I’d pick the Bears for all my Chicagoland friends and the Steelers, because the Jets are better off as loud mouths who talk better than they play. Though it would surprise me if they won… they did come out this season with their intentions known.

Guess after this I will be returning to ‘regularly scheduled programming’. Maybe. (after all, I did make the intimation that I was ‘guessing’!)

BEADS OF DEW ON BLADES OF GRASS

Sometimes things strike me in a most peculiar way. Yesterday at the gym I was walking around between sets of exercises and I was 'ambling around'. It felt awkward and in my mind I was this cat to the left, John Mugabi.

My memories of 'The Beast' was of his clumsy (to me), wide punching Ugandan emigre who fought out of England. His fights were spectacular in the way that they ended.

As a kid, I would think that somehow I would get a chance to fight him, maybe meet him at a 'catchweight' and get my shot at him. Like I did with a young Mike Tyson, when I looked at 'the Beast' fight, I saw the holes in his style. The biggest in Mugabi's, was his awkwardness. He hit so hard that people were thinking more about what he'd do to them. He wasn't fluid and I would go to the gym after he'd fought on TV and tell cats that he was proof that, 'all black people can't dance' (so am I, but who is telling this story!).

He would remind me of the lumbering Frankenstein or Michael Myers chasing folks down... how did he corner ANYONE? He didn't have particularly fast hands and he looped a lot of his punches. But he did hit hard.

That is what I was thinking about as I walked around between sets of exercises. How clumsy that John Mugabi seemed to me then, being how clumsy I feel now and at other times as well. I never think of my vertigo (I haven't fallen on my bike in a long time... then again, I don't ride out too much either!) or worry too much about my tension tremors when they surface (because they come and go).

SO I COULDN'T REMEMBER ANN CURRY'S NAME...

When it comes to matters of memory, I shrug my shoulders. Right now, there are little things like that, trying to recall some odd piece of information that makes up the pastiche of my thoughts, that happen. Does it happen more or less than it did once before? I don't know... again, you'd have to tell me.

"Whether you think you can or you can't, you are probably right!" - Henry Ford.

One of the stories in my mind, is the one where I ride up from the back of the pack, forgotten and scarcely thought of, walking across a stage and getting my Bachelor's and being the first in my family to walk (I will have to 'go' too... my Best Sister got her Associates in a Fitness discipline... happy for her, for real too!) that walk.

It isn't like I don't know that there is something going on with me. But I don't know if you have ever read about or saw any of the literature about TBI, but it reads like you are 'allergic to life'. It is going to take a certain amount of ignorance and faith for me to overcome my challenges.

The Today show did a story on a young boy who had a stroke. They talked about how the brain at that age will eventually recover to a 95 - 98% efficiency. Because they are focus on this occuring to a juvenile, I don't think that it would have been relevant for them to talk about what matters to non-kids.

Like brain plasticity. There is proof that the connections that aren't working can be 're-routed' if you keep working at them. While there are some things that due to the area of injury that won't come back, the brain is an incredible thing. A lot of things will begin to 'happen', much like how a three legged dog almost instantly compensates and goes about its life much in the same way that it did before.

For me it is about overcoming the self. I have been doing the 'know your environment' thing for so long, that I immediately try to find where I can fit and work from that. And I am cocky without being arrogant (but man, I can get annoying if you have to be around me after I get going!), and I am unshaken in my belief in myself.

"Some men are born great. Others pursue greatness. I am still waiting for greatness to be thrust upon me!" -or something like that, the Grandpa in the comic strip, "Pickles"

One of the reason that I wanted to share this, is that I was reading somewhere about a teenager who has to deal with some of the effects of TBI. My heart went out (but it is always in by 10 pm!) because he didn't have what I have as far as tools... and the most important tool that I have is that I did get the opportunity to try at some of the things I wanted to do most of all. Also, I got the opportunity to 'get grown' and mature enough to be able to appreciate life in a different way than you do as a young person in the end of adolescence.

I am mature enough to understand and expect for the 'greatness to be thrust upon me', because I know that if I keep moving and working towards something I will along the way have achieved something of note. And that still holds true even if I am in a lull right now.

IT WAS THE NEIGHBORLY THING TO DO

...SEE, THERE IS A REASON STROM THURMOND WAS A 'DIXIE-CRAT'

Growing up right across 8 Mile Road, I could feel the 'Reagan Democrat' vibe emanate from Oakland County. And in high school I had a lot of 'xplainin' to do' because of my socially conservative views (I know right, who'da thunk??).

The idea that because I am black that I should be a Democrat is one of the main reasons that I consider myself 'independent'. There are things on both sides that bother me, but today the focus is on the Democrats.

Politics is politics. In the South where it 'paid' to be racist, the Dems were just that. And this is what came to mind when Harry Reid's comment saw the light of day. But when a cooler head began to make its presence known, I looked at it thru a different prism.

It is annoying that he spoke a truth and was 'outted' for it. The GOP is trying to hold it up to that crap that Trent Lott said, but it is so way not the same. Harry simply said what many folks think... a lot of 'em are black, too. What is the word... 'electable'? White candidates, hispanic and Jindal-ese (as bad as Palin would be, I think Bobby Jindal brings a whole 'nother set of ignorance and it is strengthened with his Ivy League credentials) all have electability issues.

In fact, think of the sexist things that were said about Hilary Clinton and her candidacy... what did how she look have to do with her ability to govern? Anywho, the thing about Trent is he said it in front of people with whom he felt shared a certain ideology.

And that is what the people are losing in the rush to 'whatever', and why it doesn't rise to the level of outrage for me (not that much rises to that level for me anywho...). What folks think in their 'safe and stable homes' are thinking got said out loud. And for a lot of folks, it is simply the truth.

IRONY IS A FIVE LETTER WORD

Hopefully this will go quietly away. It isn't as 'non' an issue as that, but it is something that folks need to go home and discuss amongst themselves. Like most of the ugly and even horrible things about humanity, the kind of misrepresentation that leads to the kind of conclusions that ol' man Reid voiced, needs to be dealt with on a personal basis.

For instance we all need to be kind and willing to help out a neighbor, right? Early in the third quarter of what was going to be one of the most exciting halves of football this season, me and the SFC heard quite a ruckus going up the stairs outside of our apartment.

The folks who live on the second floor are some twenty-somethings who could stand to lose a pound or twenty. I mention their size because they tromp up the stairs like they were elephants. So at first blush, we simply thought the ruckus was the neighbors tromping around as usual.

Then it continued. She mentioned that it sounded like someone moving and she thought about looking out. Me, I was like no I will. My first thought was to remain uninvolved... but I knew once I got my shoes on, I would be helping whoever out.

A brother about Bucko's size, a Beth sized 'Army strong' female and young sixty something female were unloading a U Haul. Seems the female soldier was moving in and that her hubby was still in AIT, learning his MOS.

I didn't bother much with back story... I just got to totin' stuff. There was a couple of funny comments made by the brother, who I think is from the Indies. He asked if he could pay me and I was like 'no'. He said in that case, if he sees me in a fight in the parking lot, he will not hesitate to call the police!

That was funny, because I have often told folks that is doing me more help than them getting involved and the BOTH of us getting it handed to us on a platter. Later, the 'Army strong' female was pulling up a hand cart with a big ol' box on it. I took it from her and then told her not to help and that I got it.

Of course she tried, but I stopped and explained that it wasn't about chauvanism. Without the song and dance (which is what this entry has become!) I told her that if she kept knocking off my sense of balance, then we will fall down the stairs. That was to me, funny. A snapshot of my life, really. I have always had to compensate for one thing or another when dealing with people. So that I need to find a way to deal with life, period, in a new way is par for the course.

After we got the last box (and it was heavy, too!), I told them that if I didn't come out and helped them, then I wouldn't have been allowed back in! Trudging back home, the game had really started to pick up and my girl asked, "Did you save the world?"

Thinking about the stuff we toted to the third floor and the crew that was assigned to do it, I replied, "Yes, I think that I did."

"Good for you! I knew you could save the world!" And then we watched the rest of the game.