ANOTHER POST ABOUT RELATIVELY NOTHING

CHECKING IN WHILST BEING CHECKED OUT It hasn’t been difficult to write.  I really haven’t been having any grains of sand in my gearing that I have found worth journaling.  The most frustrating thing that has happened in the past few months has been confusion with automatic withdrawals from my checking account.  Otherwise, things have gone well, looking forward to the New Year.  Not that there aren’t “things” to journal about, but that kind of gossipy, dramatic retelling of what happens when the infinite membranes of realities bump into one another, well, the notion that those collisions are nothing more than the consequences of infinite regression, are the kinds of thoughts I am seeking to eliminate from my thinking.

Tomorrow is the meeting with the management at Pinnacle and a potential coach and partner in my Rock Steady franchise.  She has been operating a “bootleg” franchise and wants a legitimate partner to team up with.  Hopefully, we will be able to develop a “quid pro quo” and we can each grow from the process!

One of the frustrating things about my injury has been the fickleness of it.  The memories that fall out of my processing is extremely random.  While I can’t account for the loss of childhood memories (because there is no one to “prime” the thought processing), the thoughts that I encounter from day-to-day socializing, to the thoughts that I have with myself that I will get back to, frustratingly, seem to fall completely off the grid.  BUT, all is not lost.

My day-to-day processing is where I think my problem lies.  This is not to say that I am not injured, but I do believe that the brain muscle, like any other muscle, has to be worked out.  Since I have been away from school, I really have not had to exercise my brain and it has not been getting stronger, as life is starting to fall into a routine.  My memory of when I was in school and the contrast to being out of school is what spurred me to this hypothesis.  This is not diminishing the effects of my injury, but my decision to move to Omaha was a question of will.  Because I “live in my head” so much, being able to control my environment as much as I could reasonably manage was my priority in the stage of my life.  In fact, my adaptation to being “alone in Omaha” was based on how I handle and prioritize regimentation.  Having an understanding of who I am and the relation between that idea and how people view that projection, is something that I find many people lacking.  The challenge that I need lies in the ideas of existence… and the pursuit of those ideas.

KT shared with me that she simply, “loves to learn”.  Mind you, she is aware that you don’t really earn a lot of money by getting paid to learn, and she acknowledges as much.  But she reminds me of myself, in high school, and my admiration for “Howie”, a character on the Lee Majors television show, “The Fall Guy” and his broad and varied career in academia.  Between this “reflection” and her Mother’s begrudging appreciation for her pursuits, spurs the something that I share with my daughter, that want to “know things for knowing’s sake” in me.  Part of my goal in moving to Omaha was to make my injury look like the normal degradation of my senses and intellect due to aging.

There is a story idea in my head that I am determined to follow to its end.  I have spent the last month searching for the “spur” to this particular idea, but I may have to go on without it.  It will come back to me, eventually… of this, I am sure.  Just as I am sure that next August will find me in a classroom! 

HOW DO WE KNOW THE THINGS THAT WE HAVEN'T BEEN TOLD?

TACTICAL

I am doing well!  Still a residual loss of range of motion in my left wrist and right ankle that were both afflicted with gout, but I am going to begin stretching both joints to see if by increasing the flexibility of the joints, that will alleviate the problem I am having.

Did NOT get the colonoscopy.   Several reasons… none of them enough to PERMANENTLY write off the test, but with the timing of things coupled with some misfortune, I felt it would be better to have the procedure done next year.

Opening up the calendar and looking for July dates to visit Indiana and my good friend Ken and his wife, Beth, at their home in South Bend.  Hopefully this will be the start of our being travel pals, too, as I am looking forward to traveling (somewhat) around the country, including Detroit!! I don’t think that I need to explain why I need to make traveling home a notable place for me to visit, but after my last trip there, seeing my Dad would likely mean more to me than I had previously anticipated.

Now I am going to keep blogging… I feel that I have to repeat that to myself.  I do miss coming out and seeing what other people have to say, way more than I do having things to write about!!  I do want to start making videos that pertain to health and fitness, including discussions and Q & A’s about working out as well.

HOW DO WE KNOW THE THINGS THAT WE HAVEN’T BEEN TOLD?

Even had my gout not been nigh-incapacitating, I still could have pictured less frequent trips to make blog entries.  The community aspect that was so prevalent when I first began blogging has kind of drifted away from me.  I believe that there are still corners of the internet where people gather with common interests.  But it seems that the community which I once felt a part of has begun to drift away, pushed apart by dark energy.  And for me, that is cool.

There is a line in a song by The Clash (the only band that matters… man, and to think that they lived up to that claim is astonishing..!) “Lost In The Supermarket” … “...that’s how it’s been all around me…”, and while I am aware of the lyrics implication to the song’s character, it feels as though the singer was speaking directly to me.  There are things that, despite their seeming incongruity, has always been in and about my life that I have become accustomed with.  Yet in being accustomed to certain expectations does NOT mean that I also consider myself a prisoner to fate.  Observing other people who feel as though life’s tender mercies are far crueller to them (though as for that, personally, I feel that life is indiscriminate in allocating its blessings) than they are to others, to say nothing of life's bounty of good fortune unfairly being denied them.  That’s not me.  I knew that then, as a teenager, and I know that now, as an adult.  So why did this song, and more importantly, one particular line, have resonance with me?

While I don’t know (and yes, I am aware that the knowledge is a few keystrokes away from me) when they stopped publishing the Zander Hollander sports yearbooks, I remember being in junior high school and reading the college sports, football and basketball, from cover to cover.  Because I lived so much in my head as a kid, I would pretend I was the next big thing in football, only I wanted to be an undiscovered gem at some small college.  Schools like Azusa-Pacific and Cal-Poly Pomona, as well as a host of other universities came into my awareness, including that number, along as “the usual suspects”, was the University of Nebraska (at Kearney, which I have since learned is pronounced “Car-ney”, and not “Kerr-ney”).  I don’t know how many hours that I would spend fantasizing being a football player that starred at a school I was only familiar with through the agegate type in the newspaper on Sunday mornings.  But I do remember thinking that it was likely a town that had the same kind of relation to Omaha as East Lansing does to Detroit (it doesn’t… Kearney is in THE STICKS).  Not sure if I will ever find a way out there, just to say to myself that I have been there (which is what I have done in my world travels).

One of the things that my months-long battle with gout has accomplished is make me reaffirm my “want it bad enough” with regard to my life.  There are things that I still want to do, there are goals that I still aspire to reach.  I got the title of my entry from a recent segment on “The Moth” radio program.  And like my life’s connection to the music that I listen to, the connection to this story is only in the appreciation for the expanse of emotion that it covers, and how the words cloyingly represents the feelings and emotions inside of me.  This is where the ephemeral becomes persistent, and is more of a durable character trait of mine.

Though this start of this year has seen me grudgingly accept the continued progression of my condition, I have in no way abandoned any of the hopes that I have for myself.  I never expected to not face fell challenges en route to wherever it is that I am going, and it is with that understanding that I have coped and mollified my interpersonal disappointments.  Things that I

do know, which have more in common with things that I don’t know that I know, or even where I know them from, won’t let me fall prey to the thoughts of people who have not considered the world beyond their own understanding, but are comforted in the ignorance that precludes the notion that there is more to living than just being.  There are experiences all there for the taking as well, and there has to be more reason for not going out on said experiences than “because”.

“WORDS ARE LIKE A CERTAIN PERSON…

...who can’t say what they mean don’t mean what they say”.

I haven’t been too interested in trying to ascertain the relationship vibe here in Omaha.  The main reason is that I simply came to Omaha completely out of f*cks to give.  So when it comes to thinking about Nebraska, Princess, or any of the other three women that I have dated since I have moved here, it has simply been NEITHER this NOR that, and all that is related is that they chose to have left me alone.  This topic bears worth mentioning because I received an odd text AGAIN from the woman with whom I had the best first date ever.  The substance of the conversation is unimportant as is the countenance under which I held it.  I mean… what?  While this melancholy topic would have provided quite the introspection, to do so would fly in the face of things that I said about myself YEARS ago.  I always spoke to the uniqueness of my feelings for Tee Jay, and that having “followed prophecy”, I freed myself from that burden.  One of the things about her that I KNOW that I shared, is the importance of my “formula for happiness”, and how I interpreted Nietzsche’s words.  But then, I guess that is the difference between us… I can and do say what I mean...

TOTAL TACTICAL

TACTICAL

Relatively unchanged.  Have to REALLY commit to running.  I have been waking up and taking my meds @ 0530hrs to acclimate myself to being up early in the morning for running before school.  Another reason that I want to run in the dark morning hours is the discipline and sense of accomplishment that it has always seemed to provide me with.

The last few comments that Thomas have left on my blog really raised my self-esteem.  I mentioned back in the day that as a boxer, one of the best compliments that I received as a sparring partner was that I was the “tryingnest n*gga” that the Champ had ever seen.  I like to think that I am all about filling the unforgiving minute with whatever energies I have.  The trait of perseverance is one that I hope has passed on through me to my daughters as well.

In the past I have characterized my “stick-to-it-tiveness as due to my simply being too stupid to know when I should stop trying!  It was easier to make light of my nature than to talk of the high concepts that I find in not giving into difficulties.  Right now I have the phrase, “getting used to being uncomfortable” on repeat as I get ready to mount this next assault on my academic future.  Hopefully I won’t stop until I get my Master’s in Nutrition!!

There has been an odd sort of development between me and this cat who I work with… I have sort of become a mentor to him.  This week I have been stressing to him that he still has time orient and live a more fulfilling life.  I don’t know how I stumbled into this role but I am guessing that it is more about what he needs in his life and I have the information that he requires to make to take his next steps in reaching his “whatever”.

Reflecting on how this relationship has begun to develop, it really shows why I place an emphasis on the fit of different experiences and goals before I get closer to people.  After all, it was only after my summer visit to Detroit where I really felt the love that my Father has for me… I mean, I could actually “see and feel” the love he has for me in his eyes and in his embrace.  Coming so near to my having seen KT graduate, I could make the parental understanding connection in a tangible way.  The feeling I got from him was the same feeling that I had when my daughter walked across the stage and grew from child to a young woman.  And for that, as well as my knowledge of "...how way leads on to way”, is what makes the gift of what Ken and Beth gave to me mean so, so much to me.

Getting back to me and my co-worker, I can sense the questioning, the uncertainty, the feelings that I, too, once had when I was around his age.  Would I have liked to have had the kind of conversations that we occasionally have with someone, a man who could identify with my situations and struggles, and for this person to be able to share his experience with me??  I know what hindsight says, and because I do it creates in me an obligation to confer my experiences and opinions as objective as I can.  But I never presume that our conversations will be about his inner thoughts because that would, at least to me, be an assumption of things that implies other purposes.  And for me to do that would rob me of my objectivity and my usefulness.

I am sharing this tidbit with you also to show how most of my kvetching about relationships are born.  For me, there are no real overlying concerns about the spinnings between me and the fairer sex.  It is almost exclusively when my space has been compromised and I have to cope with people who, for lack of my originality, are lost in the fog of living so to speak, and their proximity creates an even thicker fog for me to move through.  These people, unseeing as they are because of the fog, and struggling to rise above their baser instincts and reactions, but are either unable or unwilling to think beyond their own immediate sense of need.  I mean, it has been years since I have had to talk about relationships and how they reflect issues that I am currently dealing with.  That is what being in control of my environment has done for me.  It has given me the ability to set my own ethos and let that determine the priorities in my life.  It has given me clarity and allowed me to develop a sense of purpose that I did not have when I was stuck “in the provincial town that I once jogged ‘round”.  And that was, too, of course, YEARS ago.

One of the proofs that I think that I have confirmed is that I do have a “why” to my life.  I have also been able to reaffirm that my personal philosophy is sound and productive.  If there was one question to my life, I believe it would be that of whether it is the goal or the road to the goal that matters most.  Myself, I have always been a “the road IS the goal” kind of guy.   So it stands to follow, that no matter how long I travel, no matter what obstacles must be overcome, and despite the testing that must take place along my journey,  as long as I am utterly convinced that I am on my road, that I am also on the way to reaching my goal.

YOU KEEP USING THAT WORD… I DON’T THINK IT MEANS WHAT YOU THINK IT MEANS

TACTICAL

Friday afternoon was spent at the Nebraska Crossing Outlet Mall with a co-worker.  I had mentioned that I was planning on riding out there and he suggested that we ride out together.  Just because I am not particularly adept at making friends, it does not mean that I am not friendly, so I took the opportunity ride out to the mall with him.

The small talk we made with each other was just that.  Our conversation was very light, nothing too deep or broad.  It was comfortable, and I would go out with him again, maybe even to a bar to watch sports or something… who the hell knows?  It has been a couple of DECADES since I have had someone to hang about with and I have kind of lost the feel for friendship.  Which leads me to…

Nebraska and I are still on for early this evening.  I am a little lost at what our meet will be like.  I think that one of the peculiar things about me is how I can be distant when I come across as such social person.  One of the things that I do postulate on regarding the date is a basic misunderstanding of things between us.  I had not mentioned her with regard to my pre-Carolina visit stress because I want for her companionship or friendship.  My feelings were roiling and the emotions that were frozen on the north borders broke free from a floe and briefly surfaced in my mind.

I am really looking forward to my visit to Nutwood Junction this summer!  I think that I will miss some school, but I have not decided to actually take classes in the fall.  With regards to how that will affect my accomplishments for the year, I don’t think it would be a negative if I delayed school to the fall.  I also have to get my Personal Trainer’s Certification this summer as well.  Regardless of what happens, I am sure that I will figure it out!!

Sitting here on at a computer station at the library, I think that I will figure out how to use my gifted-to-me laptop.  Clicking through the webpages regarding the OS, I am looking forward to using it and maybe I can become a novice computer geek in the process!

SO JUST STOP IT... STOP USING THE WORD "PRIORITY"

It isn't that you don’t have the time or that you don’t have the energy for the things that you want in your life.  Between deciding on a plan to reach your desires and actually doing the things that are necessary to make your goals a reality, the thing that I think is the greatest determinant of whether or not you will make your dreams happen relates to how important something is to you.  For instance, I am going to begin posting to Facebook not only my run times but my work out schedule as well.  I think that it will play well with my studying for my certification and be an extension of my personal philosophical expression.

Take my “formula for happiness” and the recently adopted into my philosophy, “It’s the right way because it’s my way…” statement of Jon Gruden.  Along with another statement that I am going to discuss, I don’t leave myself with a whole lot of air when it comes to defining the lack of happiness and contentment in life.

Now maybe this isn’t exactly a statement as much as word substitution exercise… rather than say that “you don’t have time” or that you are “too busy” for something, whether it is to work on your health or be a better person, tell yourself that “it isn’t a priority”, that the subject of focus is not important enough to merit your attention.  THEN assess the situations in your life that you feel are in need of change, the things that you want in your life.  The crux of my “subliminal trolling” on Facebook is based on this simple exercise.  And it is where my feelings of where I rated in Nebraska’s life are also based.

I have mentioned before how the vision that I had of Omaha predated my association with her by DECADES.  So it was a little insulting to think that I was going to leap into something because of anything other than my own best interests.  To have attached her to my vision, to my “dream”, if you will, was not a small thing.  But despite my own efforts and explanations, I think that somewhere along the line, the relationship aspect of my moving here may have taken on a purpose of its own, none of which was of my doing.  And that is part of my “confustration” at what took place.

You cannot have a relationship where one person is a priority and the other is left as an “option”.  Worse than being an option in her life, I have often felt as extraneous, like the “player to be named later” in team sports transactions.  Though I can’t say why I felt that way here, just know that at NO TIME have I been under the illusion that I was a priority in her life.

The gym is closing… and I am off to wait and see if Nebraska is going to show up… and if she doesn’t, then I will be able to explain why being stood up is NOT the shameful experience for me that it may be for others..!

HOW DO YOU REACH THAT POINT..?

TACTICAL

I am cool.  Everything is copacetic.  Which is not to say that things are easy.  When you have an attitude that is reflected in the phrase, “problems with solutions aren’t problems”, it is hard to do the pissing and moaning that comes with striving towards a goal.  For instance, making graduation and a vacay come off is going to be difficult, as is getting my certification for personal training and possibly taking a summer course.  But most achievements that are worthwhile often are difficult.  The testing, the tasking of our mettle, is the price we must pay when working toward a goal.

NOTHING WITHOUT DARING

I was asked a question regarding making decisions and getting past the nagging spectre of our fears, which I believe manifest themselves in uncertainty and doubt.  Though I often pull out one of several CVC (Carl Von Clausewitz for the uninitiated) quotes, the thing about my use of quotes by anyone is that the speaker gives words to the feelings that I already had inside of me.

Now whether it is my delusion of grandeur that powers my ego, I cannot stress enough how important it is to ascertain a value for yourself that is commensurate to the person that reflects the person that you are.  No matter what my circumstance, I have always believed that I hold myself to my established standards of my own self-worth.  It makes me bulletproof to those who question my actions, especially those who keep to the well-trod path of the masses.

Our existence is truly an extraordinary set of circumstance, and whether you adhere to a theological explanation for your existence or not, I feel that finding your personal destiny is your primary duty.  No matter what, each and every being that walks, creeps, swim or flies between the waters and the skies, has that in common with one another.  This is what drives me, believing that I have a place specific to me and that I am filling that role along with my personal desires being attuned to my purpose in this reality.

I have taken pains to acknowledge those things that fortune saw to put into my life.  From being thankful for the era of my birth, to the happenstance that has brought people that I consider dear friends into my life, I take NOTHING for granted.  That is an “all the time” thing and it is not uncommon for someone to ask me, “What’s on your mind, Mark?” and my reply will be “...how LUCKY I believe I am!”  This is something that I have done throughout my journal, even while I struggled with taking hold of my life while living in “the provincial town I once jogged ‘round”.  Taking stock of the things that I have positive in my favor and making good use of those things, be they inherent qualities of character, materiel, or any combination of those things that would propel me toward my goal.  One of the very first things that I tend to do to reflect on my situation with gratitude and to acknowledge any past opportunities to have made better decisions as learning experiences that I prioritize taking positives away from.  This not throwing out “the baby and just the bathwater” approach has made those necessary moments of introspection a lot easier to bear when the acknowledging of my own culpability in the incident of fail.

WE ARE WHAT WE REPEATEDLY DO

In panning for the good in the streams of our souls, it is always good to remember that in prospecting for any resources of rare value, that most times you will fail.  But if we have employed all of our skill and talent to the discovery of what is obvious only to us, then it is my belief that we will discover what we seek.

The inference of the header is that no matter what you say about yourself is that your actions ultimately tell the tale of who you are.  Since I have committed so much of my journaling to my perspective on relationships, I feel that my being content with being alone should come as a surprise to no one, particularly if they have been reading for any great length of time.  So it goes with my being happy here in Omaha, as I have felt obligated to remind readers that while the possibility of a relationship with Nebraska was part of my decision to move to Omaha, it was not the main factor that influenced my decision.

When I go about the day, greeting people and making conversation, it is always with the ethic that I should “...be kind, for everyone we meet is fighting a hard battle”.  So it is there, with being kind to people, that I would make my first choice in the practice of eliminating as much uncertainty in my life and decisions.  See, I believe that happiness is not something that just happens, nor is it something that floats unseen and invisible to us.  Happiness is a choice, and if you have chosen to be happy, then I believe that it follows that you would do things that brings you happiness.

...AND THIS IS AS GOOD A PLACE AS ANY…

Finally, trusting in yourself and your own nature will go a long way to lighting your path.  I think that if you believe in your own sense of self, your own sense of what is right and fair, that your choices will reflect your nature and it would be evident.  You have to be willing to forgive yourself for your past and for your future mistakes, and make your goal to be the person you want to be in the moment.  For me, the present state is recognized as “the man we all know and love”.  

Esteem is something that other people give to you… and true self-esteem is what you give to yourself.  But the problem with self-esteem is not that it is needed, because plenty of people have an outsized sense of who they are.  I believe that the problem with self-esteem is that it is erroneously taken for self-confidence.  Whatever are the results of your actions, at work, in relationships, or in your own well-being, should define your confidence, and that is where you should be the well from which you draw your self-esteem.

...AND NOW WE FALL UPON THE DARKEST OF THE WOOD

ALTITUDE CLIMBING

This is going to be a tactical entry… maybe even a long-range planning brainstorming session.  For what it is worth, I feel comfortable with my ability in my Algebra class, leading me to wonder if I need a slower pace to keep up, since on the 2nd go ‘round, the stuff comes easier to me.  Or perhaps, I need to simply work harder than I have been.  That idea of hard work and all the effects that are associated to it, encapsulated by a new phrase, “Embrace the suck” (used by the military), has always had a particularly keen resonance with me.  It also plays no small part in why I would rather be in my neo-Quixotic pursuit alone than partnered with someone who is looking for what is “owed” them by life.

State ended up winning the Big Ten Championship by beating the Ohio State Buckeyes, and you KNOW that I was extremely happy.  But the thing that added to my enjoyment and savoring of the win was the way my co-workers and club members showed their appreciation for my happiness!  That is something that had heretofore been unique to only my blogging persona and the friends I have made out here.  While it was in a sense a new experience for me, indirectly I have prepared for how I would respond to such moments, by making a practice of being gracious and appreciative in ALL things, so that when something major happens, I am going to be prepared for the situation.  And that is how I was able to deal with my latest bout of depression.

As one of the expected by-products of my condition, dealing with depression has been one of the most privately held issues that I have had to cope with in blogging.  In many ways, depression spurred me to begin blogging, as I am self-described as a social introvert.  Nebraska can certainly attest to my disdain for company, and I would think that the lack of mentions of her or Princess would confirm that I am not sitting around pining away for another person to share my space with.  So loneliness is something that I feel has been “solved for”, and that it was not a source of what I felt for the past few weeks.

The victory by the Spartans undoubtedly did more for me than anyone else could in my quadrant of the human galaxy.  See, the game represented the kinds of things that I expect of myself and of others who would be a part of my life, winning and being victorious in a memorable fashion.  Meritocracy does still matter and triumphs, but you have to believe in your methodology and be strong enough to see things through to their conclusion.

LIVING IN THAT MOMENT

I was thinking of how I began to withdraw from social contact and one of the driving forces was the inability of other people to “see things” in the world.  Not as I see them, but their inability to look through the superficial layer of systems and draw their own conclusions.  That should be understandable, as I am nothing if not a mixer and (ab)user of metaphors and that hopefully hints at my willingness for a deeper understanding of my existence.  Given how much I have been influenced by the books I have read, some of which discussed “the purpose of things”, both in the concrete and the abstract, this admission would should not be surprising.  Though most of those who have continued to read my journal do understand this trait of mine, IRL, a lot of what I hope is expressed through my patois unfortunately gets “lost in the wash”.

 When I find myself twisting in the existential angst that is my bouts of depression, I wonder about what it would be like if there was “a someone who was that someone” for me to call upon.  Usually, I summarily dismiss the idea and it usually brings about the end of my descent.  See, I understand that depression is a condition that is unique to those afflicted with it and for people to deny it place as a disease (lookin’ at YOU Scientologists!!) simply are ignorant of facts.  Depression has been observed in animals and while there are those who do make a crutch of the word, it is not something that is merely “a feeling based on chemicals” that can be corrected by a constant change in attitude.  That is the type of bias that leads people to think that homosexuality is a curable disease and hold fast the fears of miscegenation.  But in many communities, depression is still seen as a disease that afflicts only people in a certain socio-economic class, and people who display certain characteristics and chief among them is an inability to deal with “first-world problems”.  Still, it is ignorance of the highest level to say that depression is nothing more than a person seeking attention.  In fact, it could be ignorance that makes depression such a scourge… as I was saying, there are elements in some social communities where depression is seen at best, as a weakness and at worst, is greeted with denial.

“Nature shows that with the growth of intelligence comes increased capacity for pain, and it is only with the highest degree of intelligence that suffering reaches its supreme point.”  Arthur Schopenhauer

While I substitute “awareness” for intelligence (because that further ingrains the bias toward the disease), I don’t think it is surprising that in self-aware animals that depression can be seen.  There has to be a greater sense of one’s place to appreciate the depths of hopelessness that one experiences… even when THERE IS NO REASON TO FEEL THAT WAY.

To wit:  Anyone who feels that they know me is aware of how I identify with Michigan State, and with the basketball team beating Kentucky to start the season and the football team winning the Big Ten Championship over Ohio State, I was feeling objectively and demonstrably “good”.  I was more than good, the victories made me “happy”.  But even with the good feelings that the victories represented to me, “the black dog” still took up residence in my life.

I grew up with great admiration for Winston Churchill and his leadership of England in the second World War.  Reading about him and discovering that he suffered from depression only increased his esteem in my thoughts.  That is where I took the term “the black dog” to describe those moments where I was really sad as a teen.  But I never used the term “depression” to describe those states because I was still too much of myself and not overcome by the black dog.  In fact, the black dog itself was merely a caricature of what it has become… from a small, gruff-looking mongrel, to a huge and ominous creature.  It would be after I lost my job in Southfield and was struggling with getting to my feet in the “provincial town I once jogged ‘round” that I sought help… and even that decision was providential.

...BECAUSE THAT IS THE KIND OF STUFF THAT HAPPENS TO OTHER PEOPLE…

Even while I am not religious, I cannot find any other word to describe how I have felt about my life other than “blessed”.  It connotes all of the reasons why I feel the way I do about living, the depth of emotions that wells up, and that it isn’t something that I just thought about since my diagnosis.

When I say that I “love my life”, I mean it as completely as that phrase can be understood.  In fact, a small corner in my mind is reserved for a tragic end, not because I am a fatalist, but because I feel that I am living on “extra time”.  My life has already contained more fun and opportunity that two of most other people, and while I do feel a small twinge of guilt for not making more of it, the fact remains that this existence was given to ME, to make of it what I will.  So for all those other roads that wind and bend in the Nexus of Realities that would have led me to glory and universal acclaim, later for that stuff!  Because those other roads could have led me into a world of sulfur and brimstone (or I should have just said Del Ray and left things at that!!) and that is the point… there are no assurances that I would have had THIS LIFE…

I have three beautiful daughters, two who do talk and visit, one of whom makes it a point to keep me in her life.  There are MILLIONS of cats who can’t say that and it it isn’t a matter of pride with which I announce this with.  It is just the way things played out, with everyone playing their part and making the best choices they could.  Those decisions by me and my co-parents, led everyone to where we are now… and the future is yet to be written and sent to the copy editor for final revisions.  And while I am chronically broke, the steps that I feel that I should take to alleviate that mild hardship is viable and in visual range.  Just a dot, but I can see it!

Every day is the two quarters that Coach Gaines presages in his speech.  And after those two quarters… that’s it.  And as for me being alone and my relationships that had their high moments but eventually crashed and burned?  Well, it was about not what I wanted or even they may have wanted… but it was the perception that our relationship would never be honest, that there would always be something held back, kept in reserve…

… and I would never be able to look the person who was doing that and professing to have deep feelings for me at the same time.  I would rather fall alone than to be with someone who knowingly kept themselves from being present when the moment called them to account.  And since that is one of the agents that fuel depression, trust me when I say that is one that has been solved for...

CATCHING UP WITH THINGS

TATICAL

Catching up with things… my bike ride to Lincoln was a blast!  I first went south down to Bellevue to get on 370 (I know, right… I was on a highway..!) and it took me all the way to Gretna.  That is when the trip ‘got real’, as I left in mid-afternoon and reached Gretna, the halfway point, around dusk.

The last half was in darkness and route 6 looked like it could have been a stand-in for any of the many variation of horror film.  I was already worried that I could be the victim of some kind of payback for the Australian baseball player who was slain, but I made it all the way to Lincoln unscathed.  The next day, I woke up went to Memorial Stadium and I took pictures with my Bloggie camera (that I haven’t figured out), and I doubt if any of the pictures would be of any interest.  And that is going to be my jump-off point (not to be confused with my non-existent jump off) for this ramble of an entry.

...A LONG RIDE FOR SOMEONE WITH NOTHING TO THINK ABOUT…

I like to ride my bike.  Not super-passionate, far from what I would call an ‘avid cyclist’, but I ride more because I can and I revel in being able to express my ‘lust for life’ or whatever this ‘reality’ is.  And that is another thing that I do when I am riding, think about ‘stuff’ and ‘things’.  

The stretch from Gretna to Lincoln, as I mentioned, was pretty sketchy.  That was where if ‘it’ was going to happen, that ‘it’ would.  The road signs telling the distance to Lincoln seemed to remain unchanged as the last 25 miles felt as though it took the full six hours to cover.  It got a little eerie as I neared Lincoln and finally began to see signs of a built up area.  There was a light that took me forever to reach, but it did signal that I was in town!

Pulling into a gas station on the other side of the city border, I called my friend who came a picked me up.  I prolly could have found their house but I had done what I set out to do… ride to Lincoln!  Sleep was a welcome friend and after taking a long shower, that is exactly what I did!!  I have a Bloggie camera and I took it with me and took a few pictures of Memorial Stadium, and that was that with being all touristy and stuff.  I would learn after I got back home that there is an exhibit where they show the Heisman won by former players and National Championship trophies off, along with other Husker memorabilia.  Sure, I would have liked to have seen it and taken pictures… and if I get a ticket to the State game, I will but  I have never traveled anywhere with the intention to accumulate memories.

The thing about achievements… at least for me, is that they have been for me and me alone.  I never grasped the concept of making others proud of me… I did understand envy and jealousy, because it seemed that is what I felt from other people, whether it was classmates in elementary school, neighborhood kids or green-eyed relatives.  The whole feeling of ‘He Hate Me’ has been with me only since forever.  I remember being made to cry, not because I was doing anything to anyone but because other children felt the need to point out how ‘almost’ some item of clothing I wore or sneakers were, or that the flat out nice things that I had or took interest in was lame.

I haven’t been on Face Book much lately… not a whole lot to share and at some point and time one would have to figure that I would grow weary of sharing pictures of provocatively-clad women that I would never meet.  I did rattle the bars which enclose my starter wife a little!  Since I know her birthday is two days before mine, I posted an early happy 50th birthday to her… except she isn’t 50 yet!!  Though a few of her friends saw my post on her page, instead of correcting me on the thread she chose to send me a grammatically-challenged private message, “

• know my age before u post it
• just don't post nothing about me

Because I know how she is, I can see the venom spewing out of her mouth along with those words… and I can ‘hear’ the disgust in her voice that she even addresses me at all.  And yes, I love that I can still rattle her cage!  See, our daughter would have been a ‘daddy’s girl’ for real had we stayed married longer, and I have felt terrible that of I am not a part of her life.  But I also know from fairly reliable sources that she ‘poisoned the well’  with Skye after her second divorce, and unfortunately, that, has been, that with that.

This actually leads directly to a point about I would like to make about myself.  While I am far more humble than my journal would lead someone reading to believe, I also am not self-deprecating for the sake of being shy.  I know that I can be an a**, and sometimes I can be a flaming, gaping one at that.  For the most part I am not that bad, but I have always had a ‘dead zone’ where I can make an inappropriate observation or think something is funny that is really ‘wrong’.  Also, I am confident to the point of arrogance, which people who are on the fringes of my life (or should it I have said, “as I am observed on the fringes of life”...) seen as  quite a**holian.

One of the biggest reasons that I constantly question myself has nothing to do with my insecurity.  On the contrary, it has to do with the opposite.  The e.e. cummings quote is so true…

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.”  - e.e. cummings

and its theme has a great deal to do with why I have wanted to be ‘from’ Detroit most of my life.  Growing up, it always seemed as though there were forces around me who did not want me to be whoever I am.  Struggling against that and everything else that goes along with being was maybe too much for me.  That is how I explain my not ‘getting there’, wherever ‘there’ is (or was… or would have been).  Whenever attention is made about the different challenges that

high achievers had to overcome, their personal tragedies and obstacles of opportunity, I acknowledge that when my taskings took place that I simply failed them.  For instance…

The problem of getting my transcripts from the DPS is one of logistics.  Were I to go back to the Motor, because of how long ago I graduated, it would still be a ten-day wait for my paperwork.  So from getting everything in place with work, finding the money for transportation, to go and personally take care of things would be quite cost prohibitive.  I have followed the instructions left on the DPS transcripts department line at the Douglass Academy, to no avail.

Now, I could make mention of this in my journal… but man, c’mon!  I mean, really, who wants to hear about all that whining and griping, to achieve what?  ...and speaking of transportation to Detroit, a co-worker who is working his “5 Year Plan”.  Part of that plan is to open his own fitness center and guess who he is willing to take on as a partner/trainer?  Not only is he including me on his vision, he is willing to tote me back to the Motor and back!!

...CROSSING THE UNIVERSE FOR THE SAKE OF MY LOVE FOR YOU…

Picking up on that theme, I have added TWO new people on my Facebook.  Well, one is a retread and comes with a detailed explanation.  But another co-worker, a young man who is making a big move to Houston to find his path, I added because we no longer work together!  But more importantly, he thinks of me as a friend!!  He called me on his last day of work to come say good-bye, as I was off and unaware that it was his final day.

Often I have wondered about my effect on people and the part that I played in their lives.  For those who have gotten the opportunity to know me, the positivity that I exude, the solution-oriented way that is a part of my conversation, has always rallied people to include me in their lives.  My former co-worker, who was able to confide in me (remember, I am now and evermore, the place where secrets go to die) and talk to me about substantive things, calling me back to my days as an older brother, wants to remain friends.  I think that is in part to the advice that I gave him; the rest is due to me actually being a good person.

Being a good person is also why I have added Princess back to my group of friends.  While she still shies away from the esteem that I have of her, I cannot help but be appreciative of her presence in my life.  She has been nothing less that a positive actor, and with the void in my life left by Nebraska, my riding to Lincoln actually spurred me to reach out to her.

I did hope that Nebraska would become my true life partner and friend.  But our being unable to establish normal relations between one another, I had to decide on how I was going to move forward with my life.  The evidence that led me to my decision about her was very compelling, and it outweighed the factors that were pro- inclusion of her in my life.  With Princess, things were always clear, which is why I have to accept responsibility for investing in our relationship… there was not a time where the possibility of our relationship dissolving as it did was not apparent.  Hence, “We knew the environment”, was how I approached her in my life.

Nebraska, on the other hand, I felt assumed that things were going to develop the way that she anticipated them, and she favored her own reasoning too much for my taste.  Simply put, I have full reason to believe that she took my affections for granted.  As it is, it doesn’t matter, as she has moved on and I presume she is very happy in her current relationship.

Well, this entry has trailed on long enough.  Time to go and watch the Mayweather fight… I expect Floyd to be too quick and too much for Alvarez.  It isn’t his time yet, and I don’t think that Mayweather has lost enough of his ability for the untested young champion.  I would be shocked if Alvarez were to win.