ON BEING ME ...

TACTICAL

Nothing of any note has occurred lately.  Still looking for a copy of Sartre’ “Being And Nothingness”.  The Jackson Street Bookstore in the Old Market did not have a copy, as I hoped to make the purchase from and independent bookstore.  The lady there was friendly, as I came just after closing time.  She even suggested another indie bookstore out in West O (I have been here long enough to use local references to areas around here, right?), which does not sound like a fun late fall bike ride!  So I will likely go to Barnes & Nobles at the Crossroads Mall and see if I can find it there.

Right now, I am on the tail end of a minor gout flare… nothing really troubling as far as my dealings with gout goes.  Just a couple of observations:

First, I tend to get very sleepy when a gout flare begins to set in.  I mean, sleeping through alarms and getting out of bed groggy.  Second, there is the HEAT that comes with it!  This flare, in my left wrist, makes my forearm feel as though it is being boiled from the inside out.  Sometimes the sensation wakes me up and causes me to toss and turn in bed.  Finally, there is the general sense of malaise that is attached to every waking moment during a flare.  It is all-encompassing and constant aggravation.  My second observation is the timing of my flares.  As much as it troubles me to say, I think that the weather plays a VERY big factor in when my gout flares strike.  The literature is unclear about gout’s relationship with weather changes… and because of it being unclear, the room for weather to be a factor increases.  Finally, I think that the flare is just what it is, a small flare and not a raging brushfire thanks in part to my increased diligence in training and improving my diet.

And lastly… saying that my gout flare is a “minor” one is also something that should be up for debate.  I am not really good at objectively judging the intensity of the discomfort that I may actually be in.  When I was diagnosed with my condition, I made a change of how I act on my levels of discomfort and the observations of that discomfort… to wit-

A couple of years ago I had gout really bad in my left hand.  It had been around three weeks with NO improvement (though I was treating it homeopathically).  My then-manager happened to observe my swollen hand, asked how long had I been walking around with it swollen as it was, and then she conspired to get me to an hospital for treatment.  It has always been a quality of mine to take the advice of someone who can both be objective and have my best intentions at heart.  Unfortunately, I have not had many people who were willing to take  the additional steps to make “things happen”.  What I mean by that is, if you observe something that needs correction or demands attention, then you should take ownership of that situation.  I have no patience for the kind of people that are “Kitty Genovese bystander’s” to/and in my life.

AND WHY IT IS IN THE DETAILS …

...because you were off your guard.  And it is often the truth that when someone is not concentrating on the projection of who they want to be believed as to others, when their true character is shown.

I read “Counsels And Maxims” by Arthur Schopenhauer in junior high school.  One of the reasons that I was into philosophy as a kid is that by studying character and the thinking of men in large groups, that you gain critical insights into what shapes the behavior of the individual.  This is true whether the individual is conscious of the influence of outside forces on them or not.  They may believe that their thoughts are their own when the truth is that what they think is an amalgamation of societal and social mores that are in line with a behavior a certain culture.  Reading books and taking in information that was “above my pay grade” with regard to being able to command and own what I was reading, did not either dissuade me from trying to grasp the material nor did I think that it gave me any advantage, i.e., made me believe that I was smarter than anyone else.  Still, the thing that was annoying about being a reader was that “reading” was looked at with scorn and that knowledge that I had obtained was another way of being my being brainwashed by “the man”.  Schopenhauer changed that for me.

 ... {If one} is inconsiderate and seeks only what is advantageous or convenient to himself, to the prejudice of others’ rights; if he appropriates to himself that which belongs to all alike, you may be sure there is no justice in his heart, and that he would be a scoundrel on a wholesale scale, only that law and compulsion bind his hands. Do not trust him beyond your door. He who is not afraid to break the laws of his own private circle, will break those of the State when he can do so with impunity.

Whenever I look back at the moment I first read Schopenhauer's discussion on “the trifles of life”, my being grows lighter.  From that naive, adolescent perspective, I no longer had to ask myself “why” someone was being mean or rude to me.  The answer was evident; they were a d*ck!  Not only did this discovery free me from the typical social anguish of the adolescence, but as I grew older, my interpretation and understanding of those words became more refined, or “tighter”.  With my Aunt’s words bolstering my self-esteem and “Uncle Arthur’s” advice constantly in mind, I don’t have any compunction about “X-ing” people out of my life.  And using my most recent episode with gout in mind…

As I mentioned, the level at which I register discomfort has always seemed to have changed and adjusted to the upper limit of whatever pain episode I am enduring.  When I was an amateur boxer, I remember a match during which I broke my right hand and continued on with the bout, winning a decision.  Then in the service, there were many episodes where I pushed myself to a higher tolerance for injury, primary example being my last week of training to get my Air Assault tab.  It isn’t that I thought then, nor do I now, think of myself as being tough or anything.  It is just that I don’t have the “ouch” gene in me.  To remedy that, since I have been disabled, I have allowed for outside observations to carry more weight than before with regards to my health and well-being.  For instance, when my then-manager at the health club where I work conspired to get me to the hospital, that was an example of my letting an outside opinion mean more than my own judgment.

My thoughts, my cognitive abilities are impaired.  I have personally confirmed this through my pursuit of a degree, if there has been nothing else in my life to make the effects of my injury clear to me, it is my academic pursuits.  At any rate, since I know that my judgment is slightly skewed, so I do not rely upon the observations of “unqualified persons” in my life.  “What”, you may asked, “do you mean by an unqualified person?”  This is where the judgment I make on how a person approaches or behaves when dealing in one of life’s “trifles” comes into play.  Having heard enough through the regret of others about things that they should have “known better than” when it comes to relationships, because the behavior trait that has caused the upset usually is one that was already observed and noted.  There have only been two noteworthy exceptions to this concept, one during my marriage and the other coming when I decided to revisit a past relationship with Mookie Dee.

...and if anyone is wonder why I don’t entertain many people as friends, take these words and apply them to your relationships, familial as well as others, and ask yourself “Why are you with such people?”  And if you find yourself stretching to accommodate their presence in your life, then you will have your answer as to why I am so “Ok with that”, when it comes to having just anyone in my life...

WHAT'S BEST FOR HIM

TACTICAL

I have been doing about as well as a cat could be.  My struggles with my academics is only a surprise because of my hubris, but it also means that like most underachievers, I just have to work harder.

This past weekend was spent flailing away at a paper that is going to be late, working, and BEING A FRIEND.  It is worth noting because I found a door mat that I shared on my Facebook that greets a would-be visitor with the command to "Go Away" that really encapsulates my desire to be alone with my struggles.  Yet, by no means is it an indicator of the kind of person, or friend, I am to people.

HE LOVES TO SPEAK AND HE LOVES TO BE SPOKEN TO



Anyone who has met me (I've assumed) would be surprised to know of my preference for solitude, what with my verbal nature.  I have rarely found myself out of my depth in conversations over a wide array of topics and interests, often coming up with a few choice comments or other bon mots.  So it often catches a person as of the mark to learn of my true nature.  That said, were I to really peg my character, it would be that of like that of the palm tree, standing vertical with an arch, an arch that allows it the flexibility to bend with flow of the wind no matter the direction it is blowing in. 

The past weekend not only saw me struggle with my "Concept and Reaction" paper for Psychology, but attend two celebrations, the first a function at Creighton University; the other was a private dinner at Hiro 88, a sushi restaurant.  The student that I work with on my own time doing boxing drills, a native of Hawaii, invited me to a festival that the Creighton students from that particular state throws each year.  Apparently, the school has a long-establish program that recruits Hawaiian students to come to Nebraska for school.  It is a pretty big thing, entertainment provided by the students, and a catered dinner.  It was nice, seeing the young men and women of Creighton perform various skits and dances representative of the island's native culture.  I was able a date, which in and of itself is scarcely worth mentioning.  What is worth mentioning, was the meaning that being able to share the festival with "my pupil" had for him.

Now I have not been in that large of a crowd since the Terrance Crawford - Yuorkis Gamboa fight back in June of last year.  Other than scrambling through a few airports (draining), the last time I was around that many people, it was the North Carolina - Michigan State basketball game at Ford Field back in 2008.  Though I don't lead a life that lends itself to being in large crowds of people, I feel that in crowds I go through something that I refer to as "sensory overload".  It did not take much for me to want to leave after me and my date found our seats, but I hung in, enjoyed the show, and most importantly, my pupil, happy.

Riding up the elevator after my date dropped me home, I took inventory of what I was feeling at the time.  Nothing I reflected upon was about "me", it was about being able to share a special night that meant something to a person that I have invested time and commitment in.  This was a night that he had looked forward to, an event that he thought a lot of, and he wanted to share it with me.

Sunday would find me watching Michigan State doing what Michigan State does in the NCAA basketball tournament, which is make the Sweet 16.  Resuming my scuffle with my paper, I had the birthday party of a co-worker to attend.  Fortunately, State played in the early game, leaving me enough time to struggle with homework and get ready for the dinner.

After first going to the wrong restaurant, I got oriented and joined my co-worker and his family.  His in-laws, and I think one of the families of a brother-in-law... I am not sure, was there when I arrived.  It was a few minutes before we were seated, and in the interim, the rest of the party arrived.  As soon as we were seated, the first thing that I noticed were that there were enough chairs for everyone... which meant that he had counted me as part of his party before he had asked me! (well, actually he had TOLD me I was coming... much like I was told that I would be visiting Detroit and my Father last year!)  And much like with the evening prior, my enjoyment came with seeing how fulfilling an event was for someone else.

In the "quid pro quo" view that I have for relationships, it was worth whatever discomfort or out-of-character awkwardness I had to get over to make people that I hold in high esteem happy... and it has been my experience that when you can really do something in the name of and for others, that you receive even more in return.  I feel super comfortable with my relationships with people... though I do sometimes admit that for some folks, I do want to be a better friend, especially in light of the kindnesses that they have shown me.  Even with me being who I am, I like to think that I do pretty well with what I have to work with.  Sometimes, being friends means dealing with being a little uncomfortable, and if you can deal with that, you can make special things happen.

THE WAR EXCUSE

TACTICAL       


I will likely never to go in-depth about my condition.  This is not because I have a problem with sharing my experiences as a disabled cat, but I would rather let an explanation from authority relay the list of symptoms and issues than for me to be drawn into an ad hoc debate/comparison/competition with someone about it.  If a person is interested and really sincere, they will at the very least glean from a reputable source the symptoms and then ask me what my particular episode is like with the condition that I am afflicted with.  For me and for all concerned parties, I feel that would be best.  That was one of the reasons that I was once open to letting Nebraska accompany me on a session with my therapist a time or two. Because as Anthony Griffith indicated in his spoken word piece, there are some things that in the African-American community that we have trouble comprehending and understanding.  I believe that injuries like mine is among the indelicate conversations African-American people have. Anywho, I do feel better, dealing with the small things that prolly would bug someone else, particularly, if they were not aware that they indeed were walking around with brain damage.

One of the things that popped up on my societal radar recently is a SNL skit where they mocked an Armed Forces commercial (which I have never seen).  In the SNL parody, the father and daughter have the type of emotional good-byes that is associated with sending someone off to college or, as in this case, the service.  Only in this instance, the daughter (one Dakota "Shades of Grey" Johnson) wasn't going off to a branch of the United States services, but to join a white pick-up truck filled with guys dressed in Arabic-style insurgent gear... she was going off to join ISIS..!  Some people has a snit fit over it, obviously forgetting how we as a country, watch our media and entertainment mock unapologetically the opposition during WWII.  If you were one of the people who watched the skit and got your panties in a bunch because of it, f*ck you.  If you are so unable to form an informed opinion of your own, following in knee-jerk synchronization with other low-powered bulbs, then there is little hope for you.

In my discussions with Nebraska, the ones prior to recent turn of events, I never got to let her know how much I appreciated the gifts she gave me for my first Christmas in Omaha, or how big a thrill it was for me to finally meet her in our first adventure in Chicago.  Then there was when her middle daughter hooked up a project for me.  Though I mentioned them a time or two in my blog, the feelings were quickly overrun in the tide of what was actually taking place between us. And not unlike my ex-wife's diss of Tommy Hearns or her physically assaulting me as she threw me out of our home, the reasons that I did not whitewash how I felt about my Phillip Roth-like complaints, are that they have roots in my past, unfocused and immature, sense of judgment regarding things that I have never again wanted to repeat in my life.

Since communications between us has completely broken down, I have no idea of how she feels about me.  Rather than being sad or feeling like I somehow lost out on something (pretty hard to feel that way since I have on several occasions been reminded that we never actually "had" anything) promising, I don't have the feeling of lost.  As to the reason why that is, well, that is a simple as an objective reading of the rules that I have chosen to live by.


WHY IT IS SO IMPORTANT THAT YOU KNOW THE ENVIRONMENT

This is a question that has a simple answer.  But all too often, it is the simple things that are harder to implement as an action, with the more mundane something is, the more likely that it is something I have found that a person will let slip by.

As a young boy, it seemed fairly clear why the young women in and around me in my life at the time were having the problems that they were with their boyfriends.  Whatever had them overlook the traits and flaws, those of simple selfishness to those that signs that mark bigger flaws in a person, such as those that would mark the faithfulness or kindness of a person, continued to leave me baffled.  Even as sisters would use a broad brush and paint men as "no good" (or as my ex-wife used to say, "A man is a dog and a dog is a man"... yeesh) and whatever, they would still be compelled to act with a lemming-like behavior in the chase of what they believed was love.

Even as I would rant 'n rave about African-American women, in my mind it was always with a caveat, my comments said with an understanding that most of the "why" to their behavior was due in no small part to their reaction to the behavior of African-American men.  That said, if you have figured out that most of you choices for a potential partner are likely to have certain flaws to their character, then somewhere in the process that has to be a way to separate "the wheat from the chaff", so to speak.  If there are anything in an individuals methodology in choosing a partner that keeps bringing them back to the same kind of partner, then, it isn't necessarily that "all men are dogs and a dog is a man", but just maybe it is you...

A big part of the reason that people choose poorly has to do with their mental state.  Affirming the African-American prejudice in getting psychological help (which is mirrored somewhat by Scientology... so you can just imagine how wrong-headed the idea of psychological health care being an exclusive privilege is), is the lack of general understanding of our emotional health.  A TED Talk given by the psychologist Guy Winch that was shared to me by Thomas, reminded me of when I was a little pre-pubescent child who read above his level.  Nearly all of the things that Dr. Winch talks about, especially with the things that exacerbates the problems of unhealthy mental health, are second nature to me.  I can understand how difficult it must be to develop the habits of good mental health, because so few seem to have them.  The irony is that those who were/are bullies to me and are now as adults projecting the scars of their emotional distress, still are unable to face the nature of their actual problems.  Which leads them to make the same mistakes over and over, in spite of the superficial difference that they may have observed... because they are still doing the same thing, following the same script.

THE UNFATHOMABLE PREDICTABILITY OF THE ECLECTIC METHOD

I remember from one of the comments I got in the AOL Journals days spoke to the kind of woman that I would partner with is going to have to be intelligent.  And I think that it was correct in the sense that whoever I am with is going to have to be nimble of mind and capable of holding her own in conversations on a myriad number of topics.  But not only should this potential person be capable of holding their own intellectually, but their emotional maturity and growth may be of even more critically importance.  To me, the emotional capability of a person informs their intellect and the both then are increased.  But intellect alone is less than without an emotional grounding.  Emotional maturity, I think, allows a person to be capable of doing what Fitzgerald suggests, being able to manage both what they believe against what they don't, and not invalidate either belief intellectually or emotionally.  This is something that I strive for in my personal relationships, and in those where this is lacking, the relationships withers as a result of the paucity of respect that comes with having a working balance between what one knows and what one feels.

"When I am focused on small things, then I don't have to worry about larger ones." - a quote or something resembling the source, which is from someone who is more wise than I am

If character is about the things that you do when you think that it won't come to anyone else's attention, then the scope of that character is based on what matters to you and is comprised of the things you qualify as priorities.  This is where the most obvious signs of trouble in relationships can be seen and is most often ignored.  If a person is capable of "cutting you" in the small regularities of the everyday... the trifles of life, then there is NO DOUBT that for you, this is not the person you want to hinge your emotional stability upon.  The thing about the trifles are that they are not to be confused with petty or insignificant.  You can't consider a ride to a grocery store or a request for company "small" because on the surface it may seem so to you.  But when you take something that one person holds in a different regard than you do and your prejudice causes you to unjustly diminish another's personal sense of urgency, that is the instigation to "relationship fail".

Whenever I have been told that I "think too much" or that I "take things seriously", I have interpreted those words to mean that they are less concerned with the importance of whatever it is to someone else and are limited to the opinion of the significance of the subject of the conversation.  Too often, I have been that "someone else".  When it comes to the general population, I am cool with that and I may even agree with this assessment (but only to an extent; beyond that, I could care less).  But if to someone who is seeking to build a deep and meaningful relationship with me, I just can't do it.

Only on the surface and to the superficial does "how I think" look overly complex and straining towards a philosophical depth.  "I am human and I need to be loved... just like everyone else does", goes the song, "How Soon Is Now?".  And as the mournful soul whose heart lies at the bottom of those lyrics bemoans their perceived fate, do I find myself trying to avoid the label of being deep.  Using my "community" again as a scapegoat, when I was growing up, seeming too intellectual was also seen as a betrayal to your race... UGH..!  Anywho, I don't like being called deep because I only have a superficial understanding of what other's may think that I understand.  That said, if you think that you are going to enter into a relationship with me at the same level of conversation that you may have pursued other relationships with, I think that you ought to think about it!!

EPILOGUE:
Wow... I have been running my mouth, using a lot of words but am I really saying anything?  Welcome to my public diary, as much of what I have said is nearly engulfed in unnecessary verbiage!  Some of this excessive ranting is due to the various challenges that I am facing as direct as I can... and the rest is due to unresolved feelings about Nebraska.  But, I am not seeking or asking for a resolution... I am going to go on (and don't stop..!) with myself...

WHO DO YOU TRUST WITH YOUR EMOTIONS..?

TACTICAL

I am starting to feel better than I have been in weeks.  On Tuesday, I had a "Mary Richards" moment as I waited with the regulars for the #13 bus to school.  It had begun to flurry, the snowflakes were crisp as they floated in the cool but not uncomfortable breeze. I looked around and I felt in that moment (which was not unlike many that I have had before since I have been here), that finally, I was exactly where I was supposed to be.  The feeling brought to mind Nebraska, and how unsuccessful I was at convincing her that I did really want to be here, that my affections for the Big Red, Marlon Perkins, and Sam Lacey and Nate Archibald were, along with unfrosted strawberry pop-tarts, enough of a connection for me to want to move to Omaha.  And that would be a disappointment that had been relived, in a fashion, Monday at lunch, when my erstwhile date to the Holiday Party thrown by the company that the fitness center is a part of, invited me to a deli near the Arksarben Village, just south and west of the UN-O campus.  While the lunch date itself was fine, the problem that I had with it was that it was the first time I had seen her SINCE said holiday party, six weeks ago.

What had brought about the sequence of text messages (???) that arranged our lunch together was a question by a female co-worker, wondering if we were an item. Said co-worker also attended the party, which spurred her question, and I indicated to her that we weren't, and that I had not heard from her since the night of said party.  I would go home that night thinking that maybe she was a story waiting for Chris Hanson or whoever to exploit for ratings, and that I may have been among the last people to have seen her.  So I sent her a message and she replied, straight away.  She then tried to explain what had happened, which I told her was unnecessary, and my reply was that I only wanted to make sure that nothing untoward had occurred in her life.  After that brief exchange, she asked for the lunch date, and that was that.

So on Monday, she stopped by and picked me up and we had a pretty decent lunch.  Conversation was not stilted, but neither was it exceptional, or so it seemed to me.  After we finished, she dropped me off at work and I've not heard from her since.  And unlike the last such period of radio silence, I will not be interrupting this lack of communication with any worries about anyone's well-being.  I mean, if she can go nearly two full months without sending me a lowly text message, then I don't need to do anything further in confirming her interest (or lack thereof) in me.


WHO DO YOU TRUST WITH YOUR EMOTIONS?

When I was languishing back somewhere in Mid-Michigan, most of my critique of women in relationships had this question (and the title of this section) at its core.  Who DO you trust with your emotions?  I mean, I don't think that anything that you can know about a person necessarily has to have a point of reference from where you can draw a definitive conclusion from, and I really think knowing someone as much as you can is all you can really ask for.  That said, how you INTERPRET the information is definitively all on you.  Now I am not going to go into the variables that make up another person's life experience for them.  But I take the available data points and combine them to gain a perspective with which I can make an informed decision on whether or not I am going to be able to "be" in someone else's life.  It doesn't matter what role I am seeking, as much as it depends on the availability of the roles in the person of interest life.  That is when I begin to figure out how well we match, in character, goals, and various expectations in a relationship, as well as the ways and means of reaching stated goals, especially if there is a high level of intimacy between me and said person.

For women, the question of trust in relationships has long been particularly vexing.  Trust is something that for many women is at once a strength and a weakness, validating hopes and certifying fears.  The nature of human societies has been set in favor of men since the dawn of time, and the movements that has spawned the increase in equity in all areas of society for women is still in its nascent stage of development.  There are times where I am unsure if the collective of women even understand this change, whether it is in picking up the check for dinner or whether or not a family moves for her prospects and his just comes along for the ride.  Because equality is just that... things are EQUAL.  There is no more of the elevation of a woman's responsibilities than that of a man's in relationships and vice a versa.  If anything, I think that the ability to work and function in a unified way is likely to be the highest expression of love, because it shows the true value of one person to another.  At any rate, my personality and approach is well suited for the evolving rigors of relationship seeking, primarily because of how much I value the ideals that make for the criteria I use to judge who it is I trust with my emotions.

To begin, my current state is ALWAYS a more preferred option than the choice to be in a floundering relationship, held together with delusion and willful ignorance.  It has never occurred to me to want for a relationship as a way of seeking some kind of balance or filling a need in my life.  As I have grown older, I am at the point where I KNOW THAT I would rather be alone than to either hold on to, or to chase, a relationship for the sake of being in something.  Second, getting to a point where I trust a person to allow them to be a part of my life, the basic pre-qualifying requirements are non-negotiable.  That is another thing that has gone from "theory to practice" because of my real-life experience, as reflected by my "Rules To Live By" and the thought to codify my life.  It is when I look back and knowingly acted contrary to what I knew was better for the hopes of something that may as well been steeped in mysticism and unfounded prophecy.

Finally, I loathe contradictions in my personal life to the point where I simply hate unexplained contradictions of any kind.  After reading this far, the preceding sentence should come as no surprise.  Nearly all of my justification and comfort at being solitary revolves around the clarity that I have in my life.  Now, when I talk about MY daughters, it feels unobstructed and whole.  The short-sighted and dim view of our situation would grimace and be ready to voice trite and pathetic opinions that are made popular by the different social groups and associations that I have been knowing to make light of.  Untroubled by such commentary, I get to voice my concerns, my hopes for, and my plans surrounding my relationship with them, because they are a top priority and motivator in my life.

Many of the traits that I value in a person's character just also happen to coincide with some of the things that make for good character traits in a relationship.  And were you to invert the list above, then you would be able to figure out why you may not have the consideration in my thoughts that you may have previously presumed.  Together, they form the core rationale of why I don't miss the people who once was a part of my life (well, except for maybe Tee Jay..!)

COUNSELS AND MAXIMS

 "Most men are so thoroughly subjective that nothing really interests them but themselves." -Arthur Schopenhauer

One of the classic reasons for the reasoning behind single and childless cats not wanting a woman with a child or several, is, for me at least, caught up in the words of Schopenhauer.  Often, both sides are only thinking about themselves, first, foremost, and finally.  Internal conflict within, among the fears of some men  that unrelated children will be competition for a limited pool of affection and disobedient; that the other parent or family members would needlessly complicate the main relationship.  Then the fears of many women, that they are somehow being selfish/neglectful by pursuing love, or that they can't stand the critics in their lives, be it family, their friends or co-parent.  And whether I hit or miss with some of my estimations, the biggest of the concerns are those that are hits... because those are where the complications will arise.  Of course, there is a great deal of irony in critiquing men for being unfair or judging women because of a couple of bad encounters or typing.  Because, you see, women are just as, if not more so, subjective in judging men.  At any rate, I am not trying to be objective here, nor am I making a comment about ANYONE IN PARTICULAR.  I am simply using my journal to JOURNAL.

The quote about "the trifles of life..." and it is, for my money anyway, the truest indicator of a person's character.  Usually, the people that I "care less than" for, like my feelings towards my ex-wife or the feelings that I held a pre- or post- "ex-list" Mookie Dee, have violated this critical element in how I regard people.


"...And while I am on the subject, there is another fact that deserves mention.  It is this: A man shows his character just in the way in which he deals with trifles -- for then he is off his guard.  This will often afford a good opportunity of observing the boundless egoism of a man's nature, and his total lack of consideration for others; and if these defects show themselves in small things or merely in his general demeanor, you will find that they also underlie his action in matters of importance, although he may disguise the fact.  This is an opportunity which should not be missed.  If in the affairs of the every day-- the trifles of life... --a man is inconsiderate and seeks only what is advantageous or convenient to himself, to the prejudice of others' rights: if he appropriates to himself that which belongs to all alike, you may be sure there is no justice in his heart, and that he would be a scoundrel on a wholesale scale, only that law and compulsion bind his hands."  - Arthur Schopenhauer

After learning this lesson the hard way several times in my life (after having KNOWLEDGE of these words..!  Incroyable.!!), when I decided to actually enact and live by my "Rules To Live By", this became the blade with which I cut people out of my life.  The only exceptions that I have allowed for, Tee Jay and the SFC, were not made solely by my desire to be in a relationship, nor was it completely base on my emotions for them.  What had made them exceptions was that they KNEW how I measured against my own beliefs, and that is what allowed for their exception.

It was, and always has been, at least for me, anyway, the small things about a relationship that spoke the most to me.  I never should have married my ex-wife, not just because I was too immature, or that she was too selfish, but because of a small thing-- her insult of Thomas "The Hit Man" Hearns, in front of my family and in my HOME no less, which defined her as a person.  The additional issues that followed in our marriage were totally unnecessary-- her actions were presaged by her comment-- and that has been the signal that a person has to be eliminated from my life.  See, I am unable to trust in a person who can say, unapologetically no less, that they have me place on a tier below "their loved ones", when we are supposedly developing a loveship.  Or, that they have tiers of friends and I am on a lower tier than those that they would make plans with and yet, I am the one who gets called when they go awry.

No.  That is not me.  And in getting back to the male reluctance to date women with children on the behalf of young men who may think that way... it isn't their selfishness alone that may cause them to think this way.  What I have not heard in this discussion is the aspect that a man must commit to said woman in a way that does not guarantee that she is going to, or even considers herself capable of, making the same respective level of commitment to him.  If he is truly committed, he must, similar to what I had exhibited to both Mookie Dee and Princess, that the priorities in there lives, their children, were priorities in my life.  And this was done by me in ways both large and small.

I can't help but think of my Mother advising me that, "When someone acts like they don't like you, believe them the first time."  With the verification of this theorem as part of my life and exampled by my failed marriage, it is something that the more I have chosen to act upon, the happier I have become and the better off my own welfare has been.

A LONG DISCUSSION ON "THIS AND THAT" DESPITE THE BROAD GENETIC DISPARITIES THAT DOES NOT SUGGEST FAMILIAL LINKS

TACTICAL

  

My personal focus for the close of the year will be one where I improve my overall and specific focus and to zero in on what I want and what I expect not only of the next year, but of the next 5 years as well.  “Tired” is a word that for me is indicative of a level of frustration that has exhausted all reasonable expectations of patience.  It is a word that I don’t use OR interpret lightly.  It is word that is a precursor to direct actions that are aimed at making a change that impacts on  either a way of thinking or vision.  Having the definition and understanding of “tired” that I do, when I hear it in everyday conversation, I always wonder if a person is “tired” of something or  someone, why do they allow the situation or person hang about their lives like barnacles?  I mean, it isn’t magic that I have not been involved with people who calls to mind those whose  purpose were to serve as a warning to me, making me aware of the characters and traits of  those that I don’t care want in my life.

I have thought about more extensively of the traps that await me as I strive to make the life that I imagine for myself.  Right now, today, the very moments that I use to create this entry, are representative of my having reached a base level of comfort, free from comprehensive want.  I am financially independent, with enough saved up to where I can lose both my job and disability  payment and pay for the next three months of my expenses.  I am now looking forward to  reaching where I have six months of emergency savings, which is my next primary financial goal.

This winter term will indeed take a great deal of effort. I will be in school long enough to be considered a full-time student, and I am looking forward to the challenge of being a disabled cat who works part-time and is a college student full-time.  While I am most concerned with the  being on the path intended for me, I do want to test myself from time to time, to see how capable I really am of being a fully-formed independent adult.  Not being overly concerned with the speed  of my matriculation does not mean that I willing to settle for poking around when I can do more.

The notion of what are the most important components of good relationships have came up in  my daily musings recently. While I could not have articulated it as well as I can now, even as a younger man I thought that time was the only real thing that we have to give to one another, the  only real thing in this possible hologram of an existence that can be counted as exchange  currency between humans beings.

Tuesday evening, Nebraska and I will have the umpteenth talk about “us”.  Sometimes I think that it should be obvious that the “you and me” discussion between us resembles the you and me discussion that Butch had with Marcellus Wallace in “Pulp Fiction” (because there was the present, “me and you” between them and they also had “THAT me and you” between them).  There isn’t a whole lot between  us, which is a disappointment.  But because of my nature, I have to give an opportunity when it is asked of me… since I want for opportunity to come my way in life.  By my hopes and philosophy, it would be selfish and slightly hypocritical of me to do otherwise.  And that includes using the only real thing that we as humans have, time, to meet her request.

Our differences is at its most fundamental level.  How much deeper can we go, I have no idea.  I believe because SHE believes that we can reach an understanding.  We will see.  Lately, I feel as though I have been overusing the whole “introvert” thing.  Some of that is due to the whole social status thing… it is cool for one to say that they are an introvert, just as it has become cool to self-identify as a “nerd”.  Since I am both, I know that being an introvert or treated as a nerd it is NOT cool, particularly the latter, and neither are anything that one would be proud to identify with when I was growing up.  But whether it is someone who hears me make the claim in my journal, or my co-workers whom I told almost on day one that I will not be exchange phone numbers or accept friend request on Facebook, if the past four years have been a personality revelation to Nebraska, then she really has not been paying any attention to me AT ALL.  I have always told her that despite my enthusiasm for our possible loveship, that I would be just fine as her friend, and likely that I would be better off on my own.  While there is some hint of the resentment from fails when I have given as much as I could (looking at YOU Mookie Dee and Princess..!) at the time of the relationship, the majority of the confidence I have in myself is that by myself, I do well.  My “ETP score” (endurance, tenacity, and perseverance) has always been very high, and note, those traits do not need a group to be displayed to be meaningful.  My “I can do it”, confidence stems from the observed belief that those three things are among the “must have” traits for achievement of any kind.

"IF YOU WANT TO BE THE HERO, YOU HAVE GOT TO TAKE THE HERO SHOTS.”   -Reggie Miller, former NBA and college basketball star

If there are ever any questions about your or another person’s character, any wonderings about the relationships in your life, the very first place the search for answers should begin is with oneself.  I am a firm believer in the change that one wants in life begins within, not from outside. And it is nearly unavoidable that the people you allow in your life, and those you attract are as  well, are but a reflection of traits that are within your own person, in part or in its entirety.   

So I have established that I don’t like people.  Now that is a bit harsh, but when you are really an introverted person, being to myself while working out, shopping for cookie butter, or posing for stock photos of urban bike riders, I NEVER think about asking someone to join me in those or ANY activity.  There was an HuffPo article about introverts that does a good job of providing a general overview with dealing with a person like myself.  I haven’t done anything like that since I was an adolescent and fortunate enough to have a Mom who would take me out to the comic book convention in Novi… wanna come with?  I mean, what don’t you understand about being my being a PERSON WHO PREFERS HIS OWN COMPANY..?

In her TED Talk, Susan Cain describes a scene from her childhood experience at a girls summer camp where she was singled out and compelled to "fit in".  Just like Susan Cain’s younger self, I have many instances where I was chided for not “joining in”.  But there has never been a point in my conscious existence where I felt I was anything other than free.                                          

There are so many tropes that I think dominate and really skew objectivity that are a factor in my purposed withdrawal from social engagements.  From something as benign as watching a television show (I give side-eye to people who talk about how unusual the characters are on “Modern Family” and don’t get me started about “Blackish”), movie or any other media, to addressing “why I don’t like chicken?” questions, many of us are locked into a thinking that limits the possibilities of the people we encounter. And from here I am going to segue from my introversion and why there is a different understanding how it determines my role and needs in interpersonal relationships, to why I feel that Nebraska and I have struggled to be a part of one another’s lives.

RULE 15

I haven’t looked it up but I do remember journaling about what I call “The Dominant Consideration” with regards to whom I choose to be intimate with.  While not as poetic or having the potential to be as warm as fuzzy as my demeanor may otherwise indicate, when I have a problem with a person close to me, this inevitably what is on my mind.  Being confident as I am in reaching the broader objectives of my life, when I begin to narrow my focus and make decisions on more subjective areas of my life, such as interpersonal relationships, the places that I would like to see and go, et. cetera., I use this rule to measure the reason that I am utilizing my energy and resources to have this person as a part of my life.

The “must haves” as they apply to my confidence, are in question when the buffer zone between “me and you” seems wide and reinforced.  I don’t have confidence in our connection and I simply cannot rely upon you as a friend.  Most of the time I have felt this way about a person, it has been for concrete reasons, and one haunting transgression of this “rule” is the legendary “Tommy Hearns diss” made by my ex-wife.  If any of the other signs that she was not the one for me were indeterminate, this incident was one of which that there could have been no misinterpretation of the worthiness of our prospective relationship.  And for some insane reason I blew past that sign, and I have rued my ineffective reasoning ever since.

It was also the last time that that I feel I made THAT mistake again.  Did not prevent me from then-future screw ups, but repairs were well underway in my philosophy.  And the important aspect of drawing the line at the people who I invite into my life, at least to me, is that lesson well-learned.  

By having codified my thinking to the extent that I have, I cannot understate the importance of having my “Rules To Live By” are to me.  Before my injury, I thought I was a good guy with a  giant red “BUT” hovering over him.  Clearing how I think has helped me cut through the fog that I believe was keeping me from reaching the next philosophical step in my development. Now, if someone has a “but” with regards to me, it is more about THEM and their life experience than it is an indictment about me.

So go on… think “all black men are--” fill in the blank.  I am simply being… did not do anything to you and I have no influence on any of your previous experience prior to our lives crossing.  And maybe this is something that maybe Nebraska, Princess, sister-girl dropping of her kids over her Mom’s house before she pulls a double at McDonald’s, or Sally on the late shift at the Super Wal-Mart, waiting and hoping that her boyfriend shows up on time to pick her up (for a change), can’t grasp.  *shrugs shoulders* That is their set of singular experiences and my theory puts it back on them to find a way around to clarity… or be willing to follow one who is on the path...

TOTAL TACTICAL

TACTICAL

Relatively unchanged.  Have to REALLY commit to running.  I have been waking up and taking my meds @ 0530hrs to acclimate myself to being up early in the morning for running before school.  Another reason that I want to run in the dark morning hours is the discipline and sense of accomplishment that it has always seemed to provide me with.

The last few comments that Thomas have left on my blog really raised my self-esteem.  I mentioned back in the day that as a boxer, one of the best compliments that I received as a sparring partner was that I was the “tryingnest n*gga” that the Champ had ever seen.  I like to think that I am all about filling the unforgiving minute with whatever energies I have.  The trait of perseverance is one that I hope has passed on through me to my daughters as well.

In the past I have characterized my “stick-to-it-tiveness as due to my simply being too stupid to know when I should stop trying!  It was easier to make light of my nature than to talk of the high concepts that I find in not giving into difficulties.  Right now I have the phrase, “getting used to being uncomfortable” on repeat as I get ready to mount this next assault on my academic future.  Hopefully I won’t stop until I get my Master’s in Nutrition!!

There has been an odd sort of development between me and this cat who I work with… I have sort of become a mentor to him.  This week I have been stressing to him that he still has time orient and live a more fulfilling life.  I don’t know how I stumbled into this role but I am guessing that it is more about what he needs in his life and I have the information that he requires to make to take his next steps in reaching his “whatever”.

Reflecting on how this relationship has begun to develop, it really shows why I place an emphasis on the fit of different experiences and goals before I get closer to people.  After all, it was only after my summer visit to Detroit where I really felt the love that my Father has for me… I mean, I could actually “see and feel” the love he has for me in his eyes and in his embrace.  Coming so near to my having seen KT graduate, I could make the parental understanding connection in a tangible way.  The feeling I got from him was the same feeling that I had when my daughter walked across the stage and grew from child to a young woman.  And for that, as well as my knowledge of "...how way leads on to way”, is what makes the gift of what Ken and Beth gave to me mean so, so much to me.

Getting back to me and my co-worker, I can sense the questioning, the uncertainty, the feelings that I, too, once had when I was around his age.  Would I have liked to have had the kind of conversations that we occasionally have with someone, a man who could identify with my situations and struggles, and for this person to be able to share his experience with me??  I know what hindsight says, and because I do it creates in me an obligation to confer my experiences and opinions as objective as I can.  But I never presume that our conversations will be about his inner thoughts because that would, at least to me, be an assumption of things that implies other purposes.  And for me to do that would rob me of my objectivity and my usefulness.

I am sharing this tidbit with you also to show how most of my kvetching about relationships are born.  For me, there are no real overlying concerns about the spinnings between me and the fairer sex.  It is almost exclusively when my space has been compromised and I have to cope with people who, for lack of my originality, are lost in the fog of living so to speak, and their proximity creates an even thicker fog for me to move through.  These people, unseeing as they are because of the fog, and struggling to rise above their baser instincts and reactions, but are either unable or unwilling to think beyond their own immediate sense of need.  I mean, it has been years since I have had to talk about relationships and how they reflect issues that I am currently dealing with.  That is what being in control of my environment has done for me.  It has given me the ability to set my own ethos and let that determine the priorities in my life.  It has given me clarity and allowed me to develop a sense of purpose that I did not have when I was stuck “in the provincial town that I once jogged ‘round”.  And that was, too, of course, YEARS ago.

One of the proofs that I think that I have confirmed is that I do have a “why” to my life.  I have also been able to reaffirm that my personal philosophy is sound and productive.  If there was one question to my life, I believe it would be that of whether it is the goal or the road to the goal that matters most.  Myself, I have always been a “the road IS the goal” kind of guy.   So it stands to follow, that no matter how long I travel, no matter what obstacles must be overcome, and despite the testing that must take place along my journey,  as long as I am utterly convinced that I am on my road, that I am also on the way to reaching my goal.

NOT-SO-RANDOM WORDS PUT INTO SENTENCES

There are moments during “the days of my nights and the nights of my days” where I find myself “stuck” -- lost in thought, lost in the vastness of being, as I go from one place to another.  While it is for “neuro-typicals” to laugh off their lapses as “senior moments”, for me they take on another meaning altogether.  I usually catch myself and resume my progress to wherever it is I was going.  But the Sunday I was supposed to meet with Nebraska was not one of those moments.

Before I get to that, let me share with you the life that I have managed to construct for myself since I have been blogging.  If I am not mistaken, I begin keeping a blog not too long after my diagnosis was confirmed by the Social Security Administration and the battery of expert medical personnel that I was sent to that verified the initial diagnosis of brain injury.  From sleepless nights spent in a musty townhome where people existed but were not living, to my simple, yet appropriately (if cluttered) furnished apartment in government housing (for which, btw, I pay MARKET RATES FOR and not some adjusted for income rent), engaged in the matriculation process, I have to feel a wee bit proud of myself.  I have a job where I am respected and appreciate by nearly everyone that I know, to have the occasional surprise from out of the blue, and this is achieved nearly each and every day (after all, I only need to find a penny or a bottle cap to achieve that!  :0))  That I have done so without Nebraska playing a major role in my progress since I have been in Omaha is indicative of what I have said all along … this was NOT about my following desire to be in a relationship  (which, btw, would contradict much of  what I have said about my character), but the romanticism of my journey has been contained with following the inspiration put into me by Johnny Rodgers, Marlon Perkins, and unfrosted strawberry pop-tarts, to its logical conclusion.

Most people with my condition live under “controlled circumstances”, where even the most independently capable of them still live with certain accommodations, to say nothing of completely living on their own, without a family member or someone with a vested interest in their well being anywhere in sight.  But I determined that I would rather take my chances on my own than risk living under anyone’s guardianship.  Simply put … F*CK THAT...

Now the details of the how the relationship with Nebraska and myself came to the standstill it has reached are still proprietary.  But ultimately, for me at least, not having made the same kinds of mistakes that I have before already is itself a bonus!  I cannot stress enough how it was opportunity and not a relationship, that drew me to Omaha.

As I returned home from the Terrence “Bud” Crawford title fight Saturday night, I was caught in a sudden downpour and had to wait it out at the Greyhound Station.  My rear tire  caught a flat and I had been walking from the Qwest Center towards home.  As the showers slowed to a fine drizzle, I left overhang of the bus station and made my way home.  It is only in reflection that I realize there was no one for me to call, no one I could have reasonably have reached out to and expect them to do anything to alleviate my situation…

...and honestly, I could not have felt any better about my life!

When it came down to doing what I needed to do in order to make the meet with Nebraska, I had to wonder if this was worth it for me.  I mean, I am a single cat, with no family nearby (if I were to even speak of them) and locally, all of my friends are more like “associates with privileges” than real friends, and I would not dare to call on them for such a “reasonable calamity” as a flat bike .tire in the rain, two miles from home.  But maybe if I had such a friend, or were in a relationship with someone who “cared” about me… and that is what made me decided to give up pushing myself to find the brewery where I was supposed to meet Nebraska and instead go home.  Rather than being taken rudely, I would think that it would be understood how I came to my decision… all, Mike Singletary would have gotten it!

I have never asked to be graded on a sliding scale because of my injury.  At no time have I asked for anyone to grant me an adjustment “because of” anything, and likewise, I DO NOT GIVE OUT ANY. Whether or not I reach my goals or not means less to me than does the ethos of Roosevelt’s fabled “Man In The Arena” speech.  I will strive and fight the good fight to the best of my ability.  After all, that is an universal expectation, that someone will give you their best… up to and including when they don’t. Which brings to mind another quote, this one by Marilyn Monroe, which I think empowers the selfish and thoughtless who cling to this as a gospel. “I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”  Man, I cannot properly express the amount of f*cks I don’t give for a selfish woman who clings to this dogma as sound advice!

This Sunday we plan on trying to meet again, Nebraska and I.  Since she has asked for the meet, the anxiety I have surrounding her and our meeting (and to be honest, my concerns begin regarding future events beyond my influence grow almost geometrically over time..!) has returned, especially since “our past” is off limits.  Whatever went down between us shall be left to our individual perspectives, and if we have anything, we will find out when we sit down for our dinner…