Sunday, July 6, 2014

YOU KEEP USING THAT WORD… I DON’T THINK IT MEANS WHAT YOU THINK IT MEANS

TACTICAL


Friday afternoon was spent at the Nebraska Crossing Outlet Mall with a co-worker.  I had mentioned that I was planning on riding out there and he suggested that we ride out together.  Just because I am not particularly adept at making friends, it does not mean that I am not friendly, so I took the opportunity ride out to the mall with him.


The small talk we made with each other was just that.  Our conversation was very light, nothing too deep or broad.  It was comfortable, and I would go out with him again, maybe even to a bar to watch sports or something… who the hell knows?  It has been a couple of DECADES since I have had someone to hang about with and I have kind of lost the feel for friendship.  Which leads me to…


Nebraska and I are still on for early this evening.  I am a little lost at what our meet will be like.  I think that one of the peculiar things about me is how I can be distant when I come across as such social person.  One of the things that I do postulate on regarding the date is a basic misunderstanding of things between us.  I had not mentioned her with regard to my pre-Carolina visit stress because I want for her companionship or friendship.  My feelings were roiling and the emotions that were frozen on the north borders broke free from a floe and briefly surfaced in my mind.


I am really looking forward to my visit to Nutwood Junction this summer!  I think that I will miss some school, but I have not decided to actually take classes in the fall.  With regards to how that will affect my accomplishments for the year, I don’t think it would be a negative if I delayed school to the fall.  I also have to get my Personal Trainer’s Certification this summer as well.  Regardless of what happens, I am sure that I will figure it out!!


Sitting here on at a computer station at the library, I think that I will figure out how to use my gifted-to-me laptop.  Clicking through the webpages regarding the OS, I am looking forward to using it and maybe I can become a novice computer geek in the process!


SO JUST STOP IT... STOP USING THE WORD "PRIORITY"


It isn't that you don’t have the time or that you don’t have the energy for the things that you want in your life.  Between deciding on a plan to reach your desires and actually doing the things that are necessary to making your goals a reality, the thing that I think is the greatest determinant of whether or not you will make your dreams happen relates to how important something is to you.  For instance, I am going to begin posting to Facebook not only my run times, but my work out schedule as well.  I think that it will play well with my studying for my certification and be an extension of my personal philosophical expression.


Take my “formula for happiness” and the recently adopted into my philosophy, “It’s the right way because it’s my way…” statement of Jon Gruden.  Along with another statement that I am going to discuss, I don’t leave myself with a whole lot of air when it comes to defining the lack of happiness and contentment in life.


Now maybe this isn’t exactly a statement as much as word substitution exercise… rather than say that, “you don’t have time” or that you are “too busy” for something, whether it is to work on your health or be a better person, tell yourself that “it isn’t a priority”, that the subject of focus is not important enough to merit your attention.  THEN assess the situations in your life that you feel are in need of change, the things that you want in your life.  The crux of my “subliminal trolling” on Facebook is based off of this simple exercise.  And it is where my feelings of where I rated in Nebraska’s life are also based.


I have mentioned before how the vision that I had of Omaha predated my association with her by DECADES.  So it was a little insulting to think that I was going to leap into something because of anything other than my own best interests.  To have attached her to my vision, to my “dream”, if you will, was not a small thing.  But despite my own efforts and explanations, I think that somewhere along the line, the relationship aspect of my moving here may have taken on a purpose of its own, none of which was of my doing.  And that is part of my “confustration” at what took place.


You cannot have a relationship where one person is a priority and the other is left as an “option”.  Worse than being an option in her life, I have often felt as extraneous, like the “player to be named later” in team sports transactions.  Though I can’t say why I felt that way here, just know that at NO TIME have I been under the illusion that I was a priority in her life.

The gym is closing… and I am off to wait and see if Nebraska is going to show up… and if she doesn’t, then I will be able to explain why being stood up is NOT the shameful experience for me that it may be for others..!

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