CATCHING UP WITH THINGS

TATICAL

Catching up with things… my bike ride to Lincoln was a blast!  I first went south down to Bellevue to get on 370 (I know, right… I was on a highway..!) and it took me all the way to Gretna.  That is when the trip ‘got real’, as I left in mid-afternoon and reached Gretna, the halfway point, around dusk.

The last half was in darkness and route 6 looked like it could have been a stand-in for any of the many variation of horror film.  I was already worried that I could be the victim of some kind of payback for the Australian baseball player who was slain, but I made it all the way to Lincoln unscathed.  The next day, I woke up went to Memorial Stadium and I took pictures with my Bloggie camera (that I haven’t figured out), and I doubt if any of the pictures would be of any interest.  And that is going to be my jump-off point (not to be confused with my non-existent jump off) for this ramble of an entry.

...A LONG RIDE FOR SOMEONE WITH NOTHING TO THINK ABOUT…

I like to ride my bike.  Not super-passionate, far from what I would call an ‘avid cyclist’, but I ride more because I can and I revel in being able to express my ‘lust for life’ or whatever this ‘reality’ is.  And that is another thing that I do when I am riding, think about ‘stuff’ and ‘things’.  

The stretch from Gretna to Lincoln, as I mentioned, was pretty sketchy.  That was where if ‘it’ was going to happen, that ‘it’ would.  The road signs telling the distance to Lincoln seemed to remain unchanged as the last 25 miles felt as though it took the full six hours to cover.  It got a little eerie as I neared Lincoln and finally began to see signs of a built up area.  There was a light that took me forever to reach, but it did signal that I was in town!

Pulling into a gas station on the other side of the city border, I called my friend who came a picked me up.  I prolly could have found their house but I had done what I set out to do… ride to Lincoln!  Sleep was a welcome friend and after taking a long shower, that is exactly what I did!!  I have a Bloggie camera and I took it with me and took a few pictures of Memorial Stadium, and that was that with being all touristy and stuff.  I would learn after I got back home that there is an exhibit where they show the Heisman won by former players and National Championship trophies off, along with other Husker memorabilia.  Sure, I would have liked to have seen it and taken pictures… and if I get a ticket to the State game, I will but  I have never traveled anywhere with the intention to accumulate memories.

The thing about achievements… at least for me, is that they have been for me and me alone.  I never grasped the concept of making others proud of me… I did understand envy and jealousy, because it seemed that is what I felt from other people, whether it was classmates in elementary school, neighborhood kids or green-eyed relatives.  The whole feeling of ‘He Hate Me’ has been with me only since forever.  I remember being made to cry, not because I was doing anything to anyone but because other children felt the need to point out how ‘almost’ some item of clothing I wore or sneakers were, or that the flat out nice things that I had or took interest in was lame.

I haven’t been on Face Book much lately… not a whole lot to share and at some point and time one would have to figure that I would grow weary of sharing pictures of provocatively-clad women that I would never meet.  I did rattle the bars which enclose my starter wife a little!  Since I know her birthday is two days before mine, I posted an early happy 50th birthday to her… except she isn’t 50 yet!!  Though a few of her friends saw my post on her page, instead of correcting me on the thread she chose to send me a grammatically-challenged private message, “

• know my age before u post it
• just don't post nothing about me

Because I know how she is, I can see the venom spewing out of her mouth along with those words… and I can ‘hear’ the disgust in her voice that she even addresses me at all.  And yes, I love that I can still rattle her cage!  See, our daughter would have been a ‘daddy’s girl’ for real had we stayed married longer, and I have felt terrible that of I am not a part of her life.  But I also know from fairly reliable sources that she ‘poisoned the well’  with Skye after her second divorce, and unfortunately, that, has been, that with that.

This actually leads directly to a point about I would like to make about myself.  While I am far more humble than my journal would lead someone reading to believe, I also am not self-deprecating for the sake of being shy.  I know that I can be an a**, and sometimes I can be a flaming, gaping one at that.  For the most part I am not that bad, but I have always had a ‘dead zone’ where I can make an inappropriate observation or think something is funny that is really ‘wrong’.  Also, I am confident to the point of arrogance, which people who are on the fringes of my life (or should it I have said, “as I am observed on the fringes of life”...) seen as  quite a**holian.

One of the biggest reasons that I constantly question myself has nothing to do with my insecurity.  On the contrary, it has to do with the opposite.  The e.e. cummings quote is so true…

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.”  - e.e. cummings

and its theme has a great deal to do with why I have wanted to be ‘from’ Detroit most of my life.  Growing up, it always seemed as though there were forces around me who did not want me to be whoever I am.  Struggling against that and everything else that goes along with being was maybe too much for me.  That is how I explain my not ‘getting there’, wherever ‘there’ is (or was… or would have been).  Whenever attention is made about the different challenges that

high achievers had to overcome, their personal tragedies and obstacles of opportunity, I acknowledge that when my taskings took place that I simply failed them.  For instance…

The problem of getting my transcripts from the DPS is one of logistics.  Were I to go back to the Motor, because of how long ago I graduated, it would still be a ten-day wait for my paperwork.  So from getting everything in place with work, finding the money for transportation, to go and personally take care of things would be quite cost prohibitive.  I have followed the instructions left on the DPS transcripts department line at the Douglass Academy, to no avail.

Now, I could make mention of this in my journal… but man, c’mon!  I mean, really, who wants to hear about all that whining and griping, to achieve what?  ...and speaking of transportation to Detroit, a co-worker who is working his “5 Year Plan”.  Part of that plan is to open his own fitness center and guess who he is willing to take on as a partner/trainer?  Not only is he including me on his vision, he is willing to tote me back to the Motor and back!!

...CROSSING THE UNIVERSE FOR THE SAKE OF MY LOVE FOR YOU…

Picking up on that theme, I have added TWO new people on my Facebook.  Well, one is a retread and comes with a detailed explanation.  But another co-worker, a young man who is making a big move to Houston to find his path, I added because we no longer work together!  But more importantly, he thinks of me as a friend!!  He called me on his last day of work to come say good-bye, as I was off and unaware that it was his final day.

Often I have wondered about my effect on people and the part that I played in their lives.  For those who have gotten the opportunity to know me, the positivity that I exude, the solution-oriented way that is a part of my conversation, has always rallied people to include me in their lives.  My former co-worker, who was able to confide in me (remember, I am now and evermore, the place where secrets go to die) and talk to me about substantive things, calling me back to my days as an older brother, wants to remain friends.  I think that is in part to the advice that I gave him; the rest is due to me actually being a good person.

Being a good person is also why I have added Princess back to my group of friends.  While she still shies away from the esteem that I have of her, I cannot help but be appreciative of her presence in my life.  She has been nothing less that a positive actor, and with the void in my life left by Nebraska, my riding to Lincoln actually spurred me to reach out to her.

I did hope that Nebraska would become my true life partner and friend.  But our being unable to establish normal relations between one another, I had to decide on how I was going to move forward with my life.  The evidence that led me to my decision about her was very compelling, and it outweighed the factors that were pro- inclusion of her in my life.  With Princess, things were always clear, which is why I have to accept responsibility for investing in our relationship… there was not a time where the possibility of our relationship dissolving as it did was not apparent.  Hence, “We knew the environment”, was how I approached her in my life.

Nebraska, on the other hand, I felt assumed that things were going to develop the way that she anticipated them, and she favored her own reasoning too much for my taste.  Simply put, I have full reason to believe that she took my affections for granted.  As it is, it doesn’t matter, as she has moved on and I presume she is very happy in her current relationship.

Well, this entry has trailed on long enough.  Time to go and watch the Mayweather fight… I expect Floyd to be too quick and too much for Alvarez.  It isn’t his time yet, and I don’t think that Mayweather has lost enough of his ability for the untested young champion.  I would be shocked if Alvarez were to win.