FREE RANGE CONSCIOUSNESS

MAN... PACKING A SIGNAL FLARE WOULD HAVE BEEN A GOOD IDEA

 I am more than east of where I should be... and that is not being modest about where it is I am, but I am further off than I have been in quite some time.  In fact, it reminds me of the early days of my injury, when I was unaware of what was happening to me and the long degradation of my faculties to the moment I knew what was going on with me whilst I lived in mid-Michigan.  Right now, I am trying to decide if this is actually 'a thing' or is this 'A THING'.  For instance...

No, I do not do Facebook much at all.  That is not intentional, but it is something of my character. My modest daily comings-and-goings do not warrant announcing to everyone who is being forced to listen.  Additionally, the people who really know of me, understand that not only is not hearing from me via social media is normal and therefore intentional.  What makes it normal is my desire to simply "be" and that makes it intentional.  I do not need to tell everyone about my comings and goings, and the only person that I would feel comfortable telling would be a quality therapist! This is not to say that I do not care about anyone else and how my life would affect their's, but that is not nor has been my reality.  I am forced to be more social than my character once saw fit, which is of course, ironic.  I never saw myself speaking to so many people and dealing with so many identities as someone with a TBI, but there you go.  The people here in Omaha are nice and they really affect a thoughtful pose when I have encountered a native.  That has gone a long way to affecting my rationale for remaining here, even as far as to have planned for my eventual internment (which is something that was done OVER A YEAR AGO... MAYBE TWO and has NO BEARING on today's feelings) and memorial services.

Adulting has been very difficult for me recently.  I am struggling with the weight of the mundane, along with fatigue from physical exertion (which also includes mental exertion, as even a malfunctioning brain demands at least 1/5 of the body's energy demands) leaving me worn out.  That is what journaling was supposed to be for me, a place where I get to "off-load" some of the thoughts that were taking up space in my head, and though I know I have said this before, hopefully, I mean it this time... I HAVE TO get this nonsense in order.  Back in the day, I had a Nine Inch Nails tee-shirt (might still have it buried somewhere) with the print saying, over and again, "Can't Stop This Scratching Inside My Head".  No surprise that I am thinking of it, and even as I wonder if that is a misquote, it remains that I cannot stop the scratching that is going on inside of mine.

Between missing appointments (medical appointments are of the highest priority) and having problems with my daily tasks, my concern is that I am at "the end of the beginning".  After all, I have been essentially on my own with this condition for nearly 20 years, and eventually, the time would come where being able to negotiate the world-at-large (much less the world where I live) would start to overwhelm me.

So that is why the Churchillian quote was used for this section.  The true start of my dealing with TBI has begun.  Nothing was over when I was with Mookie Dee, as the previous pages of my journal attest.  I have made a big leap and gone from where I was, a "bumbling, stumbling, rumbling..." human being who could go all the way to nowhere, to someone who has gone (and yeah, still strives to go further) to where their dreams took them.  If there were any regrets, I guess I that there would have been tighter Quality Control on what passed for my dreams... or at least on the blueprint that I followed to achieve them!

STILL IN SEARCH OF AN ENTRANCE

 "People are capable at any time in their lives, of doing what they dream of." - Paulo Coelho

I have not been able to blog as regularly as I like because I have been … well, lazy.  Not that I would have actually called the reason “lazy” as the reason for my stretches of deep absences, but, the truth of the matter is that I did not muster the energy to write down what I was feeling.  Having a blog, a commitment to myself, is one of the hallmarks of my journaling.  Journaling forces me to slow down and analyze and digest my daily comings and goings, and clears some of the constant fog that comes with living each day.  There are times where there is a line between what I call “being conscious” and what neurotypicals mean whenever they refer to “conscious”.  And I mean by ANY state or feeling, any interpretation of what that word means.

Meditation helps me greatly.  It slows everything down for me and it allows me to ‘go through the details’ of my day and pick through the things that I need to go on.  Which leads me to something that I DO NOT think I need anymore, my once and current girlfriend.  She had a problem with her vehicle, an expensive brake issue that I had taken care of a few years ago.  But due to her negligence, the SAME THING now threatened her vehicle.  While I did not want my journal to be full of “drama”, stories of careening from one avoidable circumstance to another, I am unable to write anything without first talking about the elephant in my thoughts.

She has been in a state that was approaching failure in her affairs from the very beginning.  Yet, I was, as I have said before, taken by the way she made a first impression upon me and that was that with that.  As I got to know her, I began to see why she had remained single, as she is a mediocre homekeeper, with a tendency to knick-knack clutter and pet slovenliness.  Based on my initial assessment, I threw myself into trying to help her in all ways of the home, to no avail.  No matter how much laundry, cleaning, dinner-making, and shopping that I did, nothing improved.  She did not need someone to absorb some of the slack, she was more than ready to transfer it all off to me!  This became a point of contention thanks in part to a conversation we had after the brake repair.

With my daughter’s KT visit bearing down on me, I was at a loss for what this meant for her visit.  Getting the work done on the vehicle for my partner at this critical time in my life forced me to juggle my priorities.  While admittedly, she, herself, did not come out and ask for me to help her out, c’mon… what choice did I really have, if we were indeed to potentially share our lives together?  So what went wrong??

This is where I get a little off topic and talk more about why I have not been regular with journaling.  Omaha has been a really good place for me (relationships be damned..!) and I am very comfortable with being able to take care of myself.  But the past 5 or so years I have been languishing (LOL@Beth) as the world around me has found a steady “thrumm” to each day, almost hypnotizing me as entropy streams me towards the rather unspectacular end of my tour on this mortal coil.  While we were a couple, the constant dissonance between the life we were leading together and the life that I felt was worth changing my goals were becoming an uncrossable chasm… unless I left when I did.  

I do not know if I altered her course in life.  Were I to make a case for “no”, it would be because I think that she was headed for this path without me.  Part of my “why” for pursuing her was due to my empathy as I got to know her and her story.  Besides, if I have to “own” my choices bringing me to this experience of ennui (ooh! Another scrabble word!!) that I am now enduring, then I feel that whatever is left between us, is being left adrift, and fairly so.  After her unfair comparison to her daughter’s new boyfriend, f*ck her.  To quote my man Dres of Black Sheep, “keep your problems to yourself kid, ‘cause I gots my own”.

We are sitting here a week from hosting my darling daughter! But in even BIGGER news, my youngest daughter has tentatively reached out to me about a relationship!!  That has really gotten me stoked and once I manage to get through this patch of uncertainty that I am currently going through.  See, when I started to blog again, I wanted to avoid the dramatic distractions that were becoming more and more a part of my life, thanks to someone who did not listen, and had their own agenda that was completely opposite of what I had expected of myself.  For instance…

Whether or not KT brings her math books, I am STILL going to go to school and do maths!  Even if I fail to get a Pell Grant!!  Somehow I am going to figure that out and add to my growing character story!!!  Which brings me to one more reason I wanted to forego the typical whining of a journal… as my disease progresses, I feel more aware of how much time I have in so many ways that I do not want to waste it on dead ends or chasing ghosts from the attic of my mind.

One of the things about the continued existence of this journal is that it will continue to be an accurate barometer of where I am at in reality.  Maybe I will get a neurological test and be diagnosed with PD (cause I am feeling it in my bones) to go along with the suite of conditions that come with a traumatic brain injury.  Again, trying to avoid the self-pity and woebegone hopelessness of being lost.  After all, my life is not that dramatic and I cannot willfully drum up any drama either.   One of the things that I hope to establish by blogging is building a clearinghouse for my ideas, hopes and dreams.  As far as my last relationship experience is concerned...

BREATHING IN

 I had thought that I would be sharing my thoughts and opinions regarding the uprisings at the Capitol.  While I do have my own thoughts about what took place and the why to the release of fear and frustration, with the different factions of society, the “act locally” part of me is really not engaged the gathering at the Capitol (cause it was not organized enough to have really been a protest) and it keeps telling me that whatever took place in Washington is NOT important enough for me to focus and concentrate on RIGHT NOW.  It is more like there is the same grim acknowledgement that has plagued “out-groups” in America only since the Puritans landed here… and that is there always has to be a particular group for the working classes to point as “lower” than they are.  There has been someone that was at the bottom of the social totem pole that did not look like those driven to swarm the Capitol (with all the known information about the failings of security, from the White House advising the Capitol Police to NOT ACCEPT the National Guard’s help, to the guy egging on his low information and benighted followers, how is that cat going to avoid being drugged in mud, if not convicted of a crime..?) to act as scapegoats.  Now, the folks at the bottom of the totem pole not only look like “us”, it IS “us”.  Being that this is an emotional thing, to comment on the intelligence of those who were a part of the protests, in spirit if not in there physically, is to miss the point of the thing.  Anywho…

I am going to focus on getting myself enrolled in school for the fall.  I know what I want to focus on… being a mathematics/statistics major or actuarial science.  This will be more like me going back to when I INITIALLY went to college almost 30 years ago, to major in Finance.  My inspiration came from a conversation that KT’s Mom and I had back in late summer last year.  We were talking about our daughter and the topic of “where did she get that from” came up.  Now I have not ever been one to project my qualities one way or the other unto my children… Some of the traits that my daughter’s have that are attributed to me, are, in my eyes, a result of manifestation of a behavior under certain circumstances.  Sure, if X is going on and the only choices are Z and Y, that means the chance that one of my daughters makes the same choice or similar to one that I made is pretty high, but no more than mere coincidence.  

KT has changed all of that for me.  Though she has her own “will to be” to account for her decisions, the whole “she got her math side from her father” has struck a chord in me.  In the discussions between me, her and her Mom,  regarding her professional choices, I want to believe that I (cheer, cheer for old Notre Dame!) heard echoes of the possibilities that were just as vaguely as it is for her, floating around in MY head.  

So as I drifted back to my own state-of-affairs, I did so with the will to go back and finish my education by focusing on Actuarial Science/Mathematics/Statistics leaning.  Messing around with numbers and finding out the stories that they tell has always intrigued me.  Coming to this conclusion had a feeling of finality… I mean, this is IT.  This really feels like what I am going to be… mental hardship or no!

Finally, I am still disturbed by what took place in Washington.  It has changed my work environment…  seeing men and women with the colors of the Proud Boys/QAnon movements… I do not know what is going to trigger them no more than African-American boys like Emmett Till did when the crowd came for him.  I do not really trust “new” people coming into my life and I remain at a distance from my co-workers.  That is one of the things that I know that I have lost, the level of safety and comfort that I had been feeling.  From here on out, the “no, you stay where you are and come no closer” will be the policy until further notice.  Will things get better now that Biden has taken office..?  Not sure if I have voiced it in here or not, but I DO NOT TRUST HIM.  In fact, I remain unconvinced that he is not who I think he is… a redneck from Pennsylvania as far as his social stance, and that he is part of the oligarchy, insofar as his political career benefits him. 

DO NOT SHUT OUT THE LIGHT IF YOU ARE FEARING DARKNESS... DO NOT FEAR THE FALL IF THE ONLY WAY LEFT IS UP

“Don’t let the darkness from your past block the light of joy in your present. What happened is done. Stop giving time to things which no longer exist, when there is so much joy to be found here and now.”  ~Karen Salmansohn https://abbiestreehouse.com/2020/03/07/beware-of-darkness/

One of the truths that I have encountered which most often goes overlooked is the difficulty that one encounters in creating oneself.  I, for one, do not think that anyone should have a date in mind when they begin observing the application of new habits that are to coalesce into a new personality, a new character.  In fact, by using the dimension of time to create a sense of urgency, does not add anything to the achievement of a goal.  I believe that ultimatums only give a person a reason to rebel.  The commitment to something overarching changes in character, changes that have embedded in their intentions the that a person has a goal in mind, seems to work out much better.  Examples of such would be countries who place a higher priority on fitness for their children.  All of the benefits that can be chosen to represent the WHY exercise should be a priority are all part of the HOW, as much as including exercise in school curriculums, is important.

When change is desired, there is no timetable that should be set.  The road, the journey, and NOT the destination, is the goal.  Constant improvement, along with progress, no matter how incremental, is the target.  Much of what makes up “unhappiness” is nothing more than envy and impatience from what is seen through the mediums of television, the internet, or a combination of social confusion brought on by external sources.  As long as one is willing to adhere to the constraints that achievement places on the one who seeks to do something great, unhappiness should decrease.  Even saying that, “...to do something great…” could be somewhat of an overstatement.  Fulfilling the potential that one carries within oneself is the aim… what is great is subject to study and to history, with no effect on the present moment.

One of the reasons that I had forsook journaling when I was younger was the belief that chronicling the miseries of being a teenager would not be beneficial to me. Recalling a conversation I once had in high school on “why didn’t I try to date someone who was into the same things (interests) that I was into”, I remember crafting a reply that contained words that would indicate the lack of desire that I had for a girlfriend who could sit with me and be sad over the Smiths and their mournful music.  My teenage years were not going to be revisited with fondness, as the alienation that I felt was due to being born into a generation that would provide the foundation to the multi-cultural society of the present, only served to make me further retreat into myself.  It would not be until I found myself in the midst of my floundering relationship with Mookie Dee that I was to find any real use to journaling, as not coincidentally, my lack of journaling when I was with Hello Kitty prolly did not benefit either of us.

YET HERE WE ARE

I have already stated what brings me back to journaling.  The clarity that it brings to thinking and life-plans, to say nothing of the social aspect.  Having a relatively objective look on how close I am adhering to what I claim to be my aims and the actual course that my actions lead me upon is of incalculable benefit to me, as I WILL NOT be sharing my feelings with anyone who exists in the same temporal location that I occupy!  F*ck that… having that as a trait is how I got this far… and while it could have been better, much worse has always been a shadow that motivated me.  

Consistency is the key - that is what I put up in the room I shared at my first duty station in Taegu.  While that is a nearly 35 year-old self-made motivational phrase, it is timeless as any of the other sayings and phrases of note.  At 17, I was sure that even without great talent or being gifted abilities, that if one was merely consistent in their pursuit, that big things were to be had.  That is what this era of being will be about… to be tireless in the pursuit of my will, the fruit of my desires.  “You are what you repeatedly do.”-Aristotle.  This period of my life is really more about going back to the reasoning that led me to Omaha, my acknowledging and responding to the field of energy that reached out and linked me here.  To say nothing of simply doing what is best of all choices in situations.  Often, it is the choices to do the easier or lesser than that have led me astray, frequently spiraling out of my control, finding me in the position of making what I can of a situation rather than being in a position to continue building towards a goal.

Developing the focus that is necessary to accomplish higher goals is a trait that has been missing in my character. Fearlessly, I have decided to completely change how it is that I view the world.  This is necessary, as I do not want to be someone who has to live with a “what if” hanging around his neck.  While my dream of being the best “heavyweight of the universe” is not a goal that I can aim for, even while I chased that dream, I cannot believe that it was my ultimate life goal.

Chasing down a dream… survivor bias or not, the pursuit of my destiny is my only obligation.

STOP WATCHING THE NEWS

“Most people, I’m convinced, don’t think about life at all.  They grab what they think they want and the subsequent consequences keep them busy in an endless chain till they’re carried out feet first.“  ~Philip Larkin

RELIEF

It is not easy keeping a schedule or a journal.  Mastering journaling and regularly scheduled tasks is one of the building blocks of a well-ordered life.  The excuses ohly continue to  build, and I must not allow them to keep me from accomplishing what I intend to do.  When I first began this journal, that was chief among the reasons for my journaling, to hold myself accountable and focused.  Journaling kept me accountable, to others as well as to myself.  

One of the primary reasons that I felt so comfortable with leaving the Motor for parts-then unknown has to do with my own sense of “je ne sais quoi”.  I still remember making the smart-alecky retort to my ex-wife that, “those kinds of things happen to other people, but they DON’T happen to me!”  Preparing for the worst-case scenario is one thing… to treat it like an expected possibility is another, and I always enter into things with the intention to do my level best, and once that is reached, exceed that point.  It is the will to do something that matters … what one ought to do and its implication goes hand in hand.  I never concern myself with the “can” of any objective… the primary achievement of any goal is a matter of will.  All things that I list as an objective are all entirely within my ability to do.  The primary reason that I was looking forward to moving to Omaha was, and still is, the opportunity to live my life as philosophically unimpeded as possible.

Every man alone is sincere.

At the entrance of a second person,

hypocrisy begins. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

For YEARS I mistakenly attributed this quote Sartre.  I have no idea why, a mistake that would not get corrected until I entered the Army back in the 80’s.  If anything, it would become the albatross I entered my major relationships with as this was true for both parties.  I don’t think that my ex-wife knew who she was before we married, or even had considered whether or not if having knowledge of the self was even necessary prior to entering a relationship.  My problem with My Delta Girl and TJ was that I did not see past where we were… I had no understanding that I had maxed out the level we were on and did not fully comprehend what would be expected of me going forward.  At any rate, I took those fails as a reminder of my own assessment of the self-- that my being was not one that was predicated on finding a life-partner.  Other than elementary school fantasies, I never recall dwelling on partnering up.  In fact, my entire approach to relationships has been defined by a middle-school utterance about the imbalance of male-female college graduates and how that by getting a degree we would be among the few eligible men for the number of women who wanted to meet with a likewise college-educated man.  To add to the “eligibility problem” of men, you have the decline of factory work, allowing for those men who highest achievement would be a high school diploma.  At any rate, with all of this bloviating, there is NO MENTION of ever wanting to start a family, be in love, or even having a desire to BE LOVED.  Not really being fully conscious and aware of the WHY of this realization, it still remains a core value that I find whenever I have to go deep within myself to deal with a relationship of any kind.  Kitty, rest her soul, was not fighting against opinion… she was was struggling against the very core of my being.  I could not forgive her, because there was no “feeling” to why I wanted to be from her and excise her from my life.  It was a conclusion that was arrived at separate from emotion.  She had simply crossed a line from which there is no return. 

We still text and occasionally we will go out.  I am always going to be cordial, and I do make an effort to be sensitive to her.  With this “dead man walking” relationship go past the coming New Year… well, it doesn’t have much longer than that.  I do not want to have a false Valentine’s Day with her.  When I think about the fail of our relationship and try to overlook the major problems that led to its downfall, I cannot find in me the wherewithal to engage with her on that emotional level again, for ANY reason.

MEANWHILE

...in other news… the inspiration for this entry, oddly enough, was an NPR TUESDAY!  Not that I am listening to NPR again (but still supporting WUOM!) but that the feel of this past Tuesday was one that I had not had for such a long time… not since I moved from Public Housing to live with Kitty.  I dozed until noon, ate a little lunch, then dozed again until nearly 5p.m., no shower or nothing!  Finally, I moved from my bed, washed and then laid back down and relished in my solitude.  Maybe there will be another go at this partnership thing… despite my reservations, there is a quid pro quo that has to be met.  No one that I fancy for companionship will likely be fond of just being “a couple” until maybe the mid 60’s, so there’s that.  The goal posts have been moved from what is being looked for as a partner, and I am unsure of where I measure up.  Still, just as it was in middle school, I think that “the odds be ever in my favor” in that regard!

The point of mentioning this incredibly lazy day is to usher in the “Spent the day in bed” designation.  Between my building another Rock Steady franchise and having FRIENDS TO ATTEND TO IN OMAHA!!!, days like Tuesday will be rare and far in-between happenings.  So they will be celebrated and cherished, just as my beloved NPR Weekends were.  I cannot communicate how GLORIOUS Tuesday was and how much I look forward to having that option again!  I really needed the recovery from working out, as well as from simply hustling around as I went about my daily operations.  Anywho, all is well and has a bright outlook, even if at times, things seem may seem uncertain.

...DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK... YET..!

EARWORMS

It was the late 90’s (1997 or 1998) and I was doing some community service out in Livonia’s Bicentennial Park (but WAS it always called that?  I have the remnant of another name…) on a Saturday afternoon.  It had to have been summer because the weather was nice and just a bit cool.  I recall being awake about 4 a.m. that morning by clock radio alarm that was set to CBC Radio One.  The programming usually had some alternative/electronic stuff going and a particular song was intriguing enough to bring me to an annoying clear level of consciousness.

Does anyone other than me recall when Amazon would allow people to post lists of the things that they like?  The list would include comments about a variety of products, and the list would have their creator’s thumbprints all over it.  From the creative names of the lists to the reviews and opinions, I thought that feature was one of the best things about Amazon.  Anywho, I would get most of my music information from the lists, as the reviews from the fans of the artists gave a better feel to whether a band was listenable or not.  Even the reviews that panned artists were often entertaining as well, and I even bought a few CD’s (‘memba them?) based on the bad reviews!  There were several bands that I was introduced to Amazon’s customer reviews… Explosions In The Sky was one of many that I found thanks to the reviews, as well as the current earworm that I first heard on the aforementioned early morning before I had to go pick up trash in Livonia.

Amazon was not the only source of my music finds.  The Record Collector used to be in the Old Redford section of the Motor, just east of Lahser on Grand River.  As a teen, I would venture into the shop and buy albums and used cassettes, pick up copies of the @MetroTimes and @RealDetroit, as I made my way to the Crowell Recreation Center, where I would begin my training as a then-amateur boxer.  Between the online customer reviews and those in the local tabloid magazines, I was anxiously awaiting the opportunity to listen to the Boards of Canada, a Scottish act that was rumored to have chosen their name from a television program that was connected to the Canadian film boards.

“Skam” was a release that was somehow cloaked in mystery and seeming widespread at the same time.  Thanks to the primary sources (shout out to @WDET as well..!) for music, Skam was something that I should hear RIGHT NOW.  But it was really hard to find, and that is even with the resale market on Amazon.  Yet it was almost --wait for it-- legendary to me because I could not find it ANYWHERE in the tri-county!!  Somehow, my unconscious was alert enough to wake me fully and allow me to listen to it for the first time that Saturday morning.

At this point and time I had “Music Has The Right To Children”, so I knew enough about the BoC to say I liked their style.  After finally having “Everything You Do Is A Balloon” go through me, I felt that I was transported spiritually, my conscious was being stretched across dimensions… while I have never dropped acid or experienced any hallucinogens other than caffeine and sugar.  Hearing “Everything…” for the first time was the closest I think that I have been to stepping through the “doorways of perception” that separates us from consciousness and our actual experience.  It is raining HARD in the Big O (as of this writing)  and “Everything” is still the best fit for the hour.

WAR IS BORING

WAR IS BORING

TACTICAL

Winter term of classes took so much out of me that I did not get it together in time to register for spring.  I was already planning to take summer classes but now it has become mandatory that I go for two classes at the very least... ugh!

I have done a video profile for my position as a trainer at Pinnacle Fitness!  It does seem a little odd that it isn’t for personal training, as my certification is for amateur boxing, but whatever!!  Nebraska and I weren’t able to get a schedule together… as she feels that she needs more accountability in her workouts and meeting once a week did not fit her needs.  Understandable, as that is to be expected of anyone seeking a personal trainer to help them out.  She says she wants to work until she gets to the level of being a fitness pro herself!!  As to my training, I am have been coming along quite well and getting compliments on my physique; of course, I still see myself as not as fit as it would appear to observers.  And that leads me to...

The biggest reason that I am a big proponent of resistance training is the direct and objective measure of improvement that comes from a good program.  You lift varies in two of the three training (volume, intensity, frequency) metrics, and you can expect and see change in your body’s make-up and performance.  One of the reasons that there are so many other valid and effective training disciplines is simple to me-- move more and eat less pretty much sums up the entire fitness paradigm.  But I like weight training because it has more of a lasting impact as well as more effective real-life application, along with its many other healthful benefits.

Next week, Ken will be in town and  I am definitely looking forward to seeing him and introducing him to my… wait for it… FAMILY!  I think the most outstanding aspect of my present relationship is the level of acceptance and consideration that I have been accorded.  Speaking with my partner on the subject, she reminded me that HER heritage is considered a mixed one, with her father’s Mexican heritage and her Mom being of Italian descent.  While I can understand the idea of her having a mixed-race identity, her and her sister’s, as well as her Mom’s complexion says “white” to me.  That said, there have been several occasions where she has been asked if she ways Hispanic, which revealed, to me how the construct of race is truly a fiction.  I see her as “white”, which is how she appears to me, and to others, she is just as clearly “Hispanic”.

...anyWHO… life has become very metronomic and bland.  There is nothing for me to “journal” about, especially when it comes to my state of being.  It is more likely that my blogging will become a repository for my random thoughts and odd sense of storytelling.

The blackout on current events has continued and shows no sign of abating.  Instituted after the US Presidential election, I have abstained from deliberately following the news, limiting myself to Facebook post (no clicking) and random eye-grazing of televisions and their chyrons.  Even when people attempt to have such conversations with me, I deftly turn the queries off the subject and leave the conversation as soon as possible.

Well, that is about it from fly-over country.  I will prolly be back with more workout tips and inspiration, and some existential exposition as well!

THE APOCALYPSE WAS IN '91 ... WE'LL SURVIVE THIS

TACTICAL

Sometimes, I think I am doing disabled wrong.

I have the past few weeks preparing myself for school by waking up earlier and getting out and about my day.  Not that I was lounging around or anything, but with an 8 a.m. class, I need to be used to being ‘on’ in the wee dark hours of the morning.

As much consternation as is going to go on as a result of the recent Presidential election, for the minority and marginalized groups in America, it is still going to be business as usual.  There may be some added spice to things and I worry a bit about some emboldened yobbos harassing me and my blended family in public, but the disappointment is not without understanding that this is not a real surprise, at least, to anyone in a marginalized group, ESPECIALLY black folk.  I recall in the weeks prior to the election, being approached by a woman that trains where I work and asked about what were my thoughts on the contest for President.  Maybe the President-elect had said some heinous thing (among the many that he uttered on the campaign trail) and I know that the comment was one where it was predicated on my acknowledging how disrespectful the utterance was.  I remember that I said that there were a lot of angry people in this country and that they were responding to his politics.  That was as close as I came during the campaign season to letting it be known what I thought was going to happen.

The referendum that identity politics and blaming the “others” are acceptable again couldn’t have been made clearer.  That is where my concern comes from.  All the closet trolls will be out and it's going to feel like “The Strain” or “The Walking Dead” at times for traditional minorities, where a cat can be out and suddenly find themselves among a horde of reactionaries.  I am reminded of being an adolescent, late 70’s-early 80’s, skirting around the fringes of towns like Dearborn, Warren, and Hazel Park, and  the other inner-ring towns outside of Detroit, and knowing where I was and what I was risking.  So between “code-switching” and a list of other tools that have been used to navigate the white male supremacy social power structure, minority groups now will have to learn and build upon the lessons of the past to ensure that they won’t become marginalized after this current turn in the political climate.  At any rate, this is about all the current event/politics conversation that I have for ANYONE right now.

THINGS THAT YOU EXPECT FROM A DIARY

I have never been one to think much about “what could have been”.  Whenever I have spoke of past relationships, it has been a place of analysis, not regret or with second guessing.  If anything, my reexamination of my “so-called love life” was to reset and the foundational self-esteem that I would need for the subsequent journey that brought me to where I am in my life.  It has been about 10 (!?!) years of blogging, and in that time I would have like to believe that I have grown and re-established who I want to be.  Having said that…

There is a hotel opening up in town that is predicated on being able to attract business based on the fitness traveler model… you know, people who fit in the workout and their careers by making fitness a priority.  Seeing it open up after a couple of years it took going up in construction, I thought of one of the two other possible destinations other than Omaha.  I never mentioned either of them prominently prior to this entry because neither of them was self-generated destinations.

See, the motivation behind my leaving Mookie Dee and Michigan was to take control of my own life.  The irrationality of being unable to find a life back home had been something that was a part of my thought processes from my early burglary years.  I have memories of playing basketball with a neighborhood friend and we would “invent” ourselves as star players in cities without pro teams, playing against each other until dark.  The fact that I still remember vividly how we would have our “franchises” in untraditional cities because we both saw our lives being lived elsewhere.  Even then, as a pre-adolescent, Omaha was a place that I could see myself as calling home.

For me to discard an ideation that had long been a part of me… it would have taken more than the slimmest hopes that I find myself elsewhere, compelled by the hope that love would be attached to my finding a destiny.  And what would it have taken for me to go in another direction, other than the Metroplex, other than to Omaha...

HERE AND NOW

LIVING IN THE PRESENT

I made a tactical decision to refrain from journaling for the summer while I dealt with my bout of depression.  Rather than sharing the thoughts of “the imposter*” that was occupying my mind, I made the decision to simply approach what turned out to be an excellent summer.

My girlfriend and I spent a wonderful weekend with our host and hostess, Ken and Beth, at their retreat in Nutwood Junction.  Originally, I had hoped to have stayed there an extra day but my partner had worked a long shift and since I no longer drive, I decided to let her rest and we left for South Bend the next morning.  The next day, the four of us went downtown and took in South Bend.  It made me think about how out of touch the candidates for both major parties are

Unfamiliar with America.  While I haven’t been back to the Motor to see for myself the revitalization that is taking place, knowing how struck the Rust Belt was by the shift in demographics, technology, and in manufacturing, what I saw in South Bend put a smile on my heart.  It was vibrant, energetic and lively.  

The next most excellent event of my summer was hosting my darling, darling daughter KT.  She has certainly grown to be a thoughtful, intelligent, and confident young woman.  Looking at her, speaking with her, it felt like I was looking back at an alternate life, similar to something that Rod Serling may have once thought of for an episode of “Twilight Zone”.  I could not have been happier for her, if indeed she was living gladly in the kind of life that I had willingly forsaken.  Looking back on the previous sentence, I can only think of how “first world” a statement that is… as though I ha d the choice of living a life of achievement and social status or one where I cling to the fringes of society being something within my ability to control… which, of course, it totally is.

Getting back to my daughter’s visit… my partner and her daughter went out of their way to make her a part of their hearts.  From our road trip to the Mall of America, to the girls staying up late and gossiping, there were many moments of genuine emotion between the 4 of us that gave me all the feels.  Along with visiting with Ken and Beth, I can say with complete confidence that my summer was consumed with not only people who I love, but with people who love me as well.  I was able to show KT off to nearly everyone that I hoped for her to meet on her visit.  Not only that, we were able to reach an understanding regarding her sister’s that surprised me in how well-thought out her opinion of our situation was.

The gout that plagued me for nearly 20 months has pretty much cleared up.  My left shoulder still has some stiffness but the range-of-motion that had been so severely compromised in my right ankle has returned.   I should be a lock for school when winter term begins in late fall.

“The fundamental mistake we make (which causes all kinds of trouble and suffering) is the assumption that we exist as a permanent, unified, independent being, the center of a melodrama around which the rest of reality organizes itself.”  ~David Nichtern

I found this quote on Thomas’ blog, Abbie’s Treehouse.  Since I have been in Omaha, there has been little for me to speak of that resembles the PMS’ing that I was doing prior to moving here.  From whatever possible relationship that could have developed between me and Nebraska, to the “at risk” venture that I had with Princess, I haven’t had to concern myself with the failings and desires of others since I left Michigan.  As my life moved away from being centered around me (though I believe that I have always struggled to keep this more about “me” than make this a blog all about ME) and my wants and I began to do my part to organize my life through direct participation in the world I live in.  This meant no long rhapsodizing on past missteps or personal imperfections.  It also meant giving less weight to perception and theory, finding that not only did I have fewer f*cks to give than a one-legged bedouin trying to cross a desert minefield about “things” than before, but to aggressively living in the now.

Lately I have been looking into the nature reality and how our observation, the thoughts we think, everything that we use to understand our existence has already “happened” and that we are actually living in a simulation.  It is a fascinating idea to me, that by measurable definition that what we think of as “now” has already happened.  But since my study into this and related concepts has only been limited to what I have been educated by through my studies at “Google University” (to say nothing of fractured concepts from “the past” stitched together by `my broken mind).  THAT’S the kind of stuff, along with heaping measures of introspection, is what makes up most of the goings on in my thoughts.  It was the pique of my frustration with the then-trending of my life that created the need for me to express myself in an online journal (and for which I am eternally grateful… the friendships that I have made through blogging have really been a boon for me..!) as I navigated my time in the dark woods of life.  Journaling provided me not only with an outlet for my inner dialogues and a chance to add depth to my character (by giving me the chance to make, and more importantly, BE a friend as well), it provided me with what I needed to grow into the person that I am now.

Finally, as this ramble should obviously reveal about me, is that I think about things very deeply.  This trait of mine is not one that was I has always been a part of me… and when I think of the environment where I was nurtured in, listening in to conversations about politics, technology and philosophy, and eventually being allowed to participate in as a child.  So when I mention about a particular viewpoint or stance of mine being one that I have held for “a long time”, then it is likely an idea that had been germinating since I was in 3rd grade at the very least.  This is what I owe to much of my indifference to other people… because I believe they have just NOW began considering whatever is spinning  through disguised as thoughts in their “bonnie wee heads”.

It can be said without equivocation…. I was not in search of a relationship, nor was I trying to find a place where I could be less than an independent adult, living off the hard work of a single parent.  I left Detroit for the same reason that I have always left Detroit… to be daring and take the risk of engaging the world on its terms as best I can… and to hell with what anyone else ever thought.