THE RANDOM MUSING AT THE SCENE OF A CLEAN-UP AFTER A CAR ACCIDENT

TACTICAL

I am glad for the way that things have ended up working out for me.  Often, my occasionally trite, seemingly relentlessly upbeat mien, has been in some of my past associations to have been an albatross, because it gives me the appearance of being somewhat detached from the truth about life and its harshness. Growing up in the era that I did, before all the things that we see now thanks to the ubiquity of video recording equipment (I mean, cameras , er, phones come with enough technology that you can record your own VIDEO SHOW with them) that allows the discussion of social injustices and inequalities to be seen as more than a cop out.  Much of the rancor, similar to the spirit that the GOP 2016 Presidential candidate has framed his campaign in, seems to be, at least to me, due to the unattractiveness of the images of themselves that they see when their views face the light of objective deconstruction.

Think about it… when you say that you are voting for the GOP candidate, you have to reconcile the sexism, racism, the audacity of the sheer bigotry of his campaign… yep, you have to tell yourself that either you are not a lot of things that Trumpf appears to be and that he really does have a plan for bring the country together, or that you are more like the low-information, racist, and nationalistic throng that appears at his rallies.  But that isn’t what this is about.

THE INTERNET OF THINGS

I came across an article on Buzzfeed that gave a definition to one of the more schadenfreude-ish concepts in life - “The illusion of productivity - The feeling that you get when you go out and buy office supplies”, and it made me think about other things that can be described just as disappointingly illusory… like emotions and feelings surrounding relationships.  This took root in my head because of a coincidence that could only have happened because of the web.  After experiencing this piece of “internet schadenfreude”, this mirage of what may have been possible, a photo of one of the potential life-partners I have met since I have been in Omaha, led me to ponder how each relationship fail provided me with an experience that was like the illusion of being in love.  Now I have never been one of those men who finds succor in finding fault with women, leastways not as typically seen in men lately.  But I wonder if I was more prototypical in how I view women and relationships, how would I look back on the “shadow relationships” that I have experienced in Omaha.

While I remembered meeting this woman clearly… it was at one of the shopping centers here in town, it wasn’t because that it was unique.  What did make the random meet so distinctive is how taken she was with me, repeating several times, “you are a handsome man” as we walked around the mall.  Now I thought I was “kicking game”, but as it always has been with me, the ego-inflation was still muted.    I would invite her to get something to eat and we had a nice dinner together.  We’d go out for a few months, nevertheless, she would simply up and go ghost on me, which has essentially been the common theme in my Omaha experience, even in the process of me being a “really nice guy” to go along with “my being very handsome” (at least as far as she was concerned).  

I can imagine that if I actually socialized with others men (or, for that matter, people in general) that I would be able to classify these encounters in an understood and common fashion.  But because I don’t, and I have my own system of classification for relationships, the degree to which my opinion is accurate is a matter of personal taste.  But I do find that I have a little sympathy for some brothers out there who may be legitimately “good guys” but are finding out that being a good guy, a textbook good catch, is just not enough.  For women of any class, whether good, bad, or just a “plain Jane”, this has been a norm only since always.  This is also why any empathy for the brothers is really more a matter of course to keep the cognitive dissonance from overwhelming me.  I mean, I have to be a man, so I am not going to be able to have but so much empathy for women.  

Having been involved in a relationship where there could have been a case made for me being the “good man” while I was involved with Mookie Dee, it gave me  a more nuanced experience to base my view of relationships upon.  But I remain unable to think of myself as such because of my prior “bad acts” in previous relationships (including the one with Mookie Dee when we were teens..!) with women.  Yet, in applying the kind of logic that I apply to myself to women, it keeps me from the victimization bias that I think shapes the rhetoric whenever the conversational dialogue turns to talk about relationships.  That said, if you aren’t able to look within yourself to find many of the solutions to why you aren’t in the relationship situation that you desire, the likely problem isn't them but YOU.

OR IF YOU’RE WONDERING WHY ALL THE LOVE THAT YOU LONG FOR ELUDES YOU...

“Marrying means to halve one's rights and double one's duties” -Arthur Schopenhauer

I could have used a mawkish way of describing what is for those who have navigated the vagaries of relationships, what it takes, the most fundamental of qualities to find happiness in a coupling.  It has been read on cards, sung in pop songs, and whined about in Facebook memes and posts.  But ol’ Arthur gets right to the point.  Yes, being in love means being so full of the emotion that you would climb mountains, but in Schopenhanuer’s quote, you face the full reality of what being so committed to another person entails.  And I agree with the spirit of what Schopenhauer is saying.  You are going to also have to be willing to give up a great deal… and if you are uncertain that you are going to receive, at the very least, like value for what you are giving up, then you won’t do it.  You won’t sacrifice anything on your end, materially or otherwise, especially when it comes to love.

My ex-wife was a person who only saw worth in the things that she thought was important in her life.  My immaturity unsurprisingly kept me from prevented me for applying the knowledge that I had accumulated up to that point.  While I was indeed an a-hole at times (just ask Pecan Sandie) to women, there was never any malice aforethought behind my actions.  I never asked anyone for some kind of material tokens, and certainly never asked for anything with the implications of my request being tied to some kind of emotional currency, say, becoming more involved and care toward someone IF.  But outside of the literal interpretation of Schopenhauer, is a figurative one, one that I have tried to keep at hand and in my full wanness.

I think that the growth in a relationship is finding out how much more there is to your existence when you have found not only someone that is willing to give everything up for you, but when you find someone for whom you are willing to give up the world.  I knew that a long time ago, and it wasn’t because of my love for the words of “old dead white guys”.  Whether it was giving up a Butterfinger in elementary school, or deciding to quit boxing to see if me and my ex-wife could make it, the whole “greater the sacrifice, the greater the reward” thing is true.  I think that people inherently know this, whether they are some selfish kid hogging the toys or a religious figure who has taken on a vow of poverty.  It is a part, I think, a part of the human experience, one that doesn’t get the kind of thought that other things about being human does.

Even as I felt ostracized as a teenager, and carried a sense of foreboding alienation within me as a young adult, I knew that my feelings were not my reality.  Just as one is entitled to their own opinion but not their own set of facts, what one thinks is correct in spite of was not objective analysis (like the GOP presidential candidate..!) is more than likely the incorrect outlook on a situation.  For me and my participation in “the ol’ who’s having what”, boiling down the relationship to its most fundamental elements would be the criteria for how I experienced love.

Getting back to the inspiration for my post… people who really like you act and behave like they really like you.  The people who don’t, act and behave like they don’t like you at all.  And in Omaha, the sisters have generally treated me as though they don’t like me.  Said that and yet, shed no tears for THIS cat!!  Because at the end of the day, I brother is still able to “get his”!! :0)

...AND IF YOU DID NOT RISK ENOUGH IT IS BECAUSE YOU DID NOT PUT ENOUGH OF YOURSELF OUT THERE TO GAIN ANYTHING

TACTICAL

First, the straight dope.  I have secured the 2nd weekend in July to visit Ken and his lovely wife Beth at Nutwood.  Then, the first week of August will be KT’s visit to Omaha to see her old man and his NEW partner (I prefer that to any other reference term), as I am going to be moving from Omaha to the nearby town of La Vista! The end of my daughter’s visit will likely leave me just enough time to get ready for school!

I am excited about returning to classes and seeing where the possibilities take me.  A good portion of my free time has been spent watching You Tube videos about space, time, and philosophy… and it harkens back to my childhood of wondering what it would be like to be a man of letters (failing that, like my man Howie on the TV show, “The Fall Guy”), and seemingly becoming knowledgeable about the entirety of existence!

The recent news has just been crazy!  The attack on the Florida nightclub was just beyond my comprehension.  I don’t know what kind of take I have on the situation… there are several angles that one could take on this… still, needless of that, ANY take that GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump has on ANYTHING is likely to be the WRONG one!

THEY WERE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE..!

“You need not wonder whether you should have an unreliable person as a friend.  An unreliable person is nobody’s friend.”  -Idries Shah

I don’t talk about my depression because I trace its source directly to my disabling brain injury.  There isn’t any emotional situation that I need to “work through”, nor is there a family crisis that lies as a source of all things angst in my life.  Not to mention the freedom from spiritual contradiction that my agnosticism provides me.  Finally, since most of my life has been spent alone and with my thoughts, I don’t think my social aversions does not constitute a sign of my mental state.  If anything, I would have thought my entries from when I first began journaling were a clearer sign that I just might be losing my sanity.  Anywho, I have been depressed for a little while and I have not quite been able to figure out what it is that’s bothering me.

Another reason that I don’t broach the subject of my mental health is that I don’t want anyone to have the “feels” for me.  It is simply supposed to happen per diagnosis of my injury.  What I experience when I am going through an episode is the feeling that I am being draped by cloak or tarp that obscures my sight, and that casts everything in shadow.  There is no reason for me to mention my depression because it is  NOT what makes me sad.  And the things that makes me feel sadness is another kettle of fish.

I picked this fave video of mine because it encompasses my thinking in my moving to Omaha.  The key statement, “We played them in pre-season, who the h*ll takes the third game of the pre-season like it’s bullsh*t?  We played them the third game… the Bears were who we thought they were...”, which should have illuminated the “why” to then-coach Dennis Green’s anger.  By mentioning “the third game of the pre-season”, which NFL teams usually use as a barometer for their starters.  It is in this context that I listened to Coach Green’s rant and how it became a tool of my own philosophical measurement.  Essentially, what likely upset Coach Green was the way his team played… as though they were completely unfamiliar with their opponent when they had only just played them a few weeks before.

My decision to move to Omaha was far from the random bolt it may have seemed when I began blogging than the opportunity that someone in my then-domestic situation turns to as an answer.  That was one of a number of negative presumptions that could have been made about me and my intentions in moving west.  Also, the idea that I was moving to Omaha primarily to be with a particular someone was a point of contention between Nebraska and myself prior to my deciding to move here.  When we first met online, there was a lot of “why Omaha?” in our conversations.  I never thought that with my flailing away with Mookie Dee had changed how she saw me… nor did I think that our rendezvous in Chicago improved my standing in her eyes.  In fact, I had lost ground with her after Chicago, though as for that, she was still pretty okay as far as I was concerned.  Besides, her gains made from our Chicago interlude were merely balancing out other considerations that I held of her from a different time in our relationship.  So you see, if I had came here primarily to be with Nebraska, I could have angered Coach Green!  After all… they are who we thought they were!

IN MY HEAD

Working out my issues and unraveling my thoughts is something that I have always done through my own inner monologues (and yes, I answer myself..!).  It wasn’t until the end of my boxing career and showing the symptoms of Traumatic Brain Injury, struggling to keep my thoughts clear and focused, did I think that I need to begin keeping a journal.  Never, not in my disaffected “era of my discontent”, did I think that I needed to keep a diary of my days… possibly because I took for granted the gift of being a child of the First World.  Though I always tried to appreciate being born and raised in the Motor, having a Mom who worked for the Pentastar and earning good Union money, I also acknowledge the inner “ugly American” in me.  The kind of snobbery that would go across the bridge and wonder why didn’t they have a Dunkin’ Donuts and what the big deal was with the language fight in Quebec province (actually, I knew all about that even back then… just taking a poetic liberty point..!).

With the designation of introversion taking on a kind of cool status in society, my self-understanding of being an introvert gets lost in popular conversation.  Throw in my sociability, and I have always got how unlikely it may have seemed to people… in spite of all the teasing and insults I absorbed as a kid.  Despite all the incongruities about my perceived character, I have never really found myself “liking” people.  At an early age, I stopped having birthday parties, and Christmas time never really held any romance for me.  I could go on and on, but hanging about in groups never appealed to me, even as a nerdling among my fellow nerds.

Maybe some clarification is needed here, as I did have a group of five kids who I played “Dungeons and Dragons” with in junior high.  Of this group, two others (and about 8 of our fellow classmates) were smart enough to get in one of the three elite high schools in the city.  Here is one of my most major “what ifs” in my life, one where the road clearly diverged.  I did not make the first cut, but to keep from losing teachers, the westernmost of these schools took in more students from their list, and I made it.  My Mom had enrolled me at a parochial school, where I was one of seven or eight black kids, all male, on the east side of town.  I was doing quite well when the second chance came to go to my “dream school”, and I took it.  My decision was made, not impulsively, but with the full (or as full of one as a I could have had at the time) understanding of what my choice entailed.  It was a choice where I would disagree with Frost, and say that the road that I left for another day, if taken, would have made all the difference.  But what you must understand is, there are no regrets.  The most disappointment that I have had in my life has been in one epic choice...

EPILOGUE

The most epic theme to my sense of consequence in life a section from the song “London Calling” by the “only band that matters”.

Because I am inside myself SO MUCH, I have second thoughts about my second thoughts! It feels like a burden most of the time… being able to make assumptions made on social mores or presume customs based on superficial observances.  “Do you like this song?”  “Are you going to see that movie?”  “Is that singer pretty to you?”  “I bet you eat a mess of chicken, don’t you?”

I have enjoyed the consequence of the choices I have made during “my so-called life”.  The ups and downs of one’s existence is not measured in degrees.  Was life a well-lived one or was it not?  You are not going have time to equivocate when you reach the event horizon of being.

KT is looking forward to visiting in August; me and my new partner are thrilled about going to South Bend.  The way into the light is hard and long.  It has always been that way.  So you might as well smile as you go! 

DO YOU LISTEN TO YOUR HEART..?

TACTICAL

Pretty static… not much change from previous entry.  After all, leading a life as free from “drama” (or as I like to frame the dealings of the day-to-day, “The trifles of life”) was part and parcel of my relocation efforts.  This is another theory to why I haven’t been journaling as much recently.  But because journaling has been a tool for me to regain balance as well as an extension of my social life, well, there you go..!

RUNNING OUT OF LIFETIME

As I find myself renewed with vigor from rediscovering my direction, there have been several songs during the past couple of months that have spent plenty of time on repeat in my Spotify.  Before I get to any of them, one of the things that has “kinda, sorta” been an itch on my “Mark Music” back, has been asking someone what they listen to and they reply generically with “a little bit of everything’.  It bothers me because just as there are different kinds of infinities, some being larger than others, there are different kinds of “everything” when it comes to personal preferences.

When it comes to music, “everything” is not inclusive when it is dominated by a specific genre of music.  Listening to the Taylor Swift station on your Itunes is not going to be inclusive enough of all the styles of music there is.  And don’t get me started on what passes for Punk music in today’s stratification of musical styles.

It never fails that when I ask someone what they listen to and they reply with “everything”, part of me sighs with exasperation.  It means that imagination is not one of their go-to resources and that they likely are bland, flavorless, and culpable of falling in with whatever passes for “taste” in life, much less in music.  “What is everyone else doing?”, “Is this the hottest band?”, “Gotta get the latest phone/tech gear … have to be like everyone else!”  This thinking is exacerbated when the culture is determined for you and expressed through your environment.

My lack of appreciation for the pop music that dominates R&B music has always been what I felt is a the unimaginative themes and the way those themes are told.    As a child, I quickly lost interest with the “R&B fandango”, telling me how I should feel and behave in relationships, or the more unimaginative pop songs that I felt were socially nihilistic in their nature.  The relationship between what the music and the lyrics had in different musical genres appealed to the imagery that filled my boyhood mind.  I can still feel the wonder that I had when I first heard “Strawberry Fields” by the Beatles, and David Bowie’s “Space Oddity” (to say nothing of the consciousness-expansion that took place when I played Rush’s “2112”).  No matter what the artist was inspired by in the creation of their music, I could “take” from it what I heard and give meaning to the emotions that I had inside of me.  

Listening to Liars latest release, “Mess”, the song that has my ear has been “Vox Tuned D.E.D”.  I can’t fathom what the song’s title means, but the alienation that is felt when you do something that you have taken great pride in only to have it critiqued poorly because it did not fit the expectations of others is clear.  Still, some of the lyrics taken separately from what I supposed was the artist's’ intention, is in alternative music, fair game.  You don’t necessarily have to get what the song means to others just because of another’s interpretation.

I WON’T GIVE A LIFETIME OF MINE…

Breaking out of my months-long torpor also means a return of my sense of being.  Two recent dreams, one of which was inspired by one of Facebook’s new features.  

In the sidebar under the “People You May Know” was none other that lil’ Mook!  I could not help but click her name and the link took me to her page.  She looks great, a beautiful young coed, going to the only school I would have thought she want to go to, MICHIGAN STATE!!  Though my thoughts at the moment were of being a part of getting her off to the school on Cedar Street, the dream that I had was less whimsical.  It was one that was reaffirming of my decision to leave for the vision that I have for myself.

The second dream was about Tee Jay.  Like the other dream, I was again validated by its contents.  What drew her into my “Facebook Dream Salad” is her frequent posts about relationships and the qualities of the kind of man who is a good partner.  If she was in her 20’s and still trying to getting her “adult legs” and maturing into a woman, I could understand.  But she isn’t.  In her mid-40’s, still having the same kind of complaints about love that my imagined aggrived groups of “Sisterhood’s” have, is disappointing.  Her posts make me wonder what things would have been like had she taken me up on my offer to restart our loveship again.  And in my dream, I was left disappointed in her.  And I woke up untroubled from both unconscious visions.  The summertime that could have had together, with either Mookie Dee, Tee Jay, Princess, and yes, even Nebraska, is nothing now, not even a badly faded memory.

IS HE STILL THERE..?

 STILL LURKING ABOUT..!

 TACTICAL

In my career as a personal-life journey blogger, one of the things that sort of
kinda has made me pause is when a blogger doesn’t journal for a few days, maybe even a couple of weeks, and they begin their subsequent journal entry with, “Sorry I haven’t been journaling”, or apologizing for being “gone”. Then they fill that entry with the same dull meanderings that they have been sharing with no one in particular. I have found that a little bit presumptuous, although I do think that connections are made between people online, that someone who you have never met, nor reasonably expect to ever encounter, would “miss” you. Even in cases where you have actually met someone from the internet, I would think that if you were to have a life complication that kept you from whatever medium you usually communicate through, that you would be more direct and share with them whatever endeavors that were keeping you from the social media platform of choice. Then, I took a 2 ½ month hiatus from my blog.

 For those of you who presume to “know” me, that I will likely not discuss what has taken place for the last 10 or so weeks in my life should not be surprising. What drove me to blogging in the first place, needing a private space to express my frustrations and to think my way through what I was going through, well, that predicament no longer exists. So rare that my frustrations of my “ being in the world” (and I’m tired of the soup du jour) that the situations and conditions that aggravate my ability be at or find some peace of mind to think my way through things can scarcely be said to exist. For instance…

This year has been the most stereotypical period that I have experienced living here in “the projects”. But since that feeling ends once the door to my apartment shuts (and is locked..!), I am not necessarily compelled to deal in the tropes of my environment. So whatever experience that I have had in dealing with people socially, just doesn’t move me to where I feel the desire or will to blog about them. Then, there is the interactions of my personal life over the past 5 years. From the imploding hopes that I have had with both Nebraska and Princess, as well as a trio of difficult to classify non-starting relations, along with had two “one-offs” which was neither here nor there (but one of which was sort of confusing), for me to talk about that kind of stuff, especially if it was an extension of the negativity that coloured earlier discussions here, would be a clear sign of overarching fail. And rather than spend any disk space trying to paint a picture of how I see the classic “who’s having what” between men and women here in town, because I just don’t care. Why did Nebraska and I not hit it off? What drove Princess to dumping me so unceremoniously? Because I don’t have to put up with the constant drone of inconsequential (to me) static from thoughts produced with “low fidelity thinking”, and I now have the ability to ACT against the world (which still won’t listen) I don't have that much to PMS about. That, my friends, it what I have been doing. In short, I have been living a life. Nothing dramatic or particularly noteworthy.


BUT WERE I TO MAKE MENTION OF NOTABLE OCCURRENCES AND OBSERVATIONS OF THINGS THAT HAVE TAKEN PLACE SINCE MY LAST ENTRY

The angst that I feel from not being there as a Father to both Skye and Lexi is exacerbated by my relationship with KT. Though I don’t presume that we are necessarily “close”, we are inextricably linked by the relationship that her Mom and I had prior to, and since, her birth. I could only imagine that my being there when she took her first breath has had a profound effect on both of us and our relationship. So it heartened me greatly that she fell upon a young man as she walked through the mall that, in her words, “reminded me of you in your younger years.” And it made me ache for her sisters’ that they cannot have something like that with their father as well.

Nebraska has been checking in on me. Though texting and email is “fine” (which is a word that defines faint praise coming from me), she did express a sentiment that was truly heart-warming. But like the “warm fuzzy” I got from KT, it came with a feeling of loss and emptiness as well. “A bond of trust has been abused… something of value… has been lost…” mourns Morrissey on the single “Hang On To Your Friends”. Though I may well mean something to her, the “sunk cost” invested in maintaining the hopes that I had for us are such that I will likely never recoup the emotional capital that I has been spent. Whatever will happen between us from here on will be left up to the fates.

Meanwhile… I will leave you with this thought should the question “I wonder how Mark is doing?” run through your thoughts….

THE GULF BETWEEN IDEALS AND CONCEPTS... BETWEEN THE HERE AND NOW

TACTICAL

I have been doing just fine.  Lexxie’s visit is still up in the air and her Mother and I have been trading messages on Facebook the last few weeks, much said without resolving the problem between Lexxie’s plans for her own excursion and mine for her visit.  I hope we get the opportunity to be with each other but if not…

...I can likely guilt KT to come and visit me next year!

My gout flare is gone and I am going to get back on track for my “1200lbs. lift”.  I don’t think that I am that far off in two of the three lifts. Recently, I did a chest workout that I was able to work up to a “double-double” at 260lbs. and two singles at 270lbs.  Later, I did 5 sets of 5 reps at 315 on my deadlift.  And with my squats at a pyramid of 10-8-8-6 repetitions (reps) or 315, 340, and 365 lbs., I could be ready at the end of June for my lift!

One of my co-workers did a challenge where he did 100 reps of 185lbs. in a squat, with the goal of doing them consecutively. If he racked the weight, he did 20 burpee pull-ups as punishment!  I think that he did 50 squats s straight before he racked the weight (which means he rested the weight in the rack that holds the bar) the first time, I think that he would rack the weight twice more before he knocked out 100 reps.  He had another squat challenge, one in which you double 245, wait 15 seconds, triple it, wait another 15 seconds, and rep out 5 more.  That is one set and there are ten of those with two minutes in between each set.  So I have enough fitness planned with these challenges on my plate as well as my own training plan and fitness goals.

DRAFT ANALYSIS

My latest gout flare had me thinking that I may actually need to make friends in a more tangible way.  It would have been nice to have had a friendship with someone where I was comfortable with calling upon them for a ride from school or to the grocery store.  Maybe their concern would have pushed me to go to the health clinic or emergency room to have my ankle looked at.  But as it was during the present moment, I did have enough people at both school and work who encouraged me to take a day off and have my ankle looked at.

See, that has always been enough for me.  Knowing that someone genuinely cares about me

without prejudice is primarily what I am looking for in a relationship.  Of course, it varies to the level of the relationship, because I am not going to expect anyone whom I am clearly on a casual level to be willing to go to any great lengths for me.  Yet, when it is a feeling is sincerely felt, a tugging of an emotional string that is so strong that the person who is feeling it has no other choice but to act, well, that does not need much discussion between parties now, does it?  Two movies rush to mind whenever I think along these lines as a display of sincere and heartfelt affection between people… “The Straight Story” starring Richard Farnsworth, and “Unforgiven” starring Clint Eastwood.  The motivation to act in both stories were pure and unspoiled by any but the mildest sense of self-interest for any of the major characters.  It was almost as though they had a calling of honor that bound them to their choices, and that they would have clearly have felt diminished had they not chosen the course that they took, regardless of the consequence.

One of the things that I believe is that it is not enough to want something.  No matter what you believe in, whether your believe is driven by a theology, ancient mysticism, or empirical objectivity, I don’t believe that you can truly have full faith in anything if at first you do not GIVE what you hope to receive  I think that we are born into the world as partially-filled vessels, but we do not become filled until we begin to give of ourselves.  That is when life begins to pour back into you and you become replenished and in this manner, having partially emptied of your own self, you can experience fulfillment.  And I think that this is especially true when it comes to our intimate relationships.

I do not feel that much more removed from “my early burglary years” when it comes to how I pursue close relationships.  If anything, I feel more angst for regarding my nature… for instance, I would not mind communicating and acting with those of you I have made IRL connections with, but, there are those who see me locally that I don’t bother to connect with.  I do attempt to do things with people, for instance, when I am asked I will go hang about with folks.  And there have been times where I have asked about someone else’s activities with the intent of planning an event.  Even with that, I have no real drive to create deep connective relationships with people.  Besides, my “draft stock”, I believe, has slipped.

From co-ordinating a love life that I envisioned as the “run-and-shoot”, and whose prospects were once forecasted in terms of being “top draft choices”, using the latter analogy, I think that I have fallen to mid 5th to 7th round choice nowadays.  Being regarded that low is almost certain to regulate me to “undrafted free agent” when it comes to partnering with a woman.  So that means, at least for me, it is more about the desire to be with someone than it is where I am going “in the draft”.  Because when you are down this low in the draft, it is more about how bad do you want it.

I already know that I don’t want a relationship that bad.  Do I even want a relationship “enough”?  That remains to be seen…  As far as my ever wanting a relationship “bad enough”, that should not even be questioned (but it has to be asked..!), if any of my claims of introversion are to be seen as valid self-characterizations.

“Where must we go, we who wander this wasteland, in search of our better selves.” -George Miller

Thoughts of what Nebraska and I could have been have been with me lately as well, because I don’t know if our relationship will ever advance to where we are held in one another’s confidence.  My wonderings takes me back to when we first made plans to meet in Chicago back in 2009.  Not only have the “prescience of fate” been lost between us, but so has the laying of a foundation for a relationship of any kind, on any level, been spoiled.

LIKE THE MOONSTONE, EXPERIENCE IS A HARSH MISTRESS

I have not felt compelled to make disparaging generalities about women of any specific demographic because I am no longer oppressed by the caricatures of any demographic, because I just don’t care.  Not that it doesn’t matter to me, which they don’t, at least not beyond the most superficial extensions of my awareness.  Part of that is due to my lack of participation in the  spinnings of “this and that” (see, I told you that they were not related..!).  And  ever were I so inclined to become involved in the scrum of the yearning hearts, my accumulated knowledge from any of my previous adventures and excursions would keep me from getting in the muck willy-nilly.

As cool and gratifying as it is to be a high draft choice, and as much as a boost up being drafted at all is, there are things as an undrafted free agent that are advantageous to the determined prospect.  Rather than being put into a situation that may not fit, as a free agent you get to float around and find a situation where you can maybe make your opportunity if you work hard enough for a “spot on the roster”.  And making the roster, not where you were chosen, is all you really want.  IF that is what you really want.

My laissez-faire approach to life has me question my own commitment to a relationship.  Other than the occasional “urges” (which reminds me to do kegels because you never can say never..?), I begin to question myself when it comes to committing the essential “emotional materiel” to a intimate relationship campaign.

Things that I look forward to:  Visiting Chicago/South Bend and enjoying time with friends and the big city.  Going back to Detroit to see my Dad, visit my peeps, track down Skye and again, visit friends.  And those, as well as a few other things of personal significance (getting a degree, going somewhere with my daughter KT), come ahead of growing a relationship.  That said, it still would not surprise me to find myself “in” something… but it HAS to be on mutually agreed upon terms.

At this point of my life, where no matter how you measure it, I have been around the block more than enough times to know without second guessing myself how much my happiness lies in an intimate relationship.

NEBRASKA - LIKE THE MOVIE

 CONCEPTUAL PERPETUITY

Was able to finish a trying spring term of school.  I was able to scrape by with a “C” in my Psychology class with a “C” ( hey, ”C’s” get degrees..!)  and while I did not pass Spanish, I did do as Mark Twain advises and I did “fail better”.  Though I won’t use it as an excuse, having to discuss some of the issues of brain function and the consequence of changes in the brain (as the topic was a part of many psych discussions) was a problem of sorts for me.  Twice a week, it felt like I was looking under the hood of a car whose engine is missing.  Additionally, I had a lingering gout flair for the past six weeks that took away from my ability to focus and be attentive to most of the tasks that I had to accomplish.

Though I have not been able to confirm as of yet, Lexxie is likely not to be coming out to see me this summer.  Communications between me and her have become strained once again, though there are no obvious reasons for the lack of response from her.  Instead of speculating, I will keep things moving and keep being vigilant in establishing communications with her.

In other news… I have been watching a bit of Netflix recently.  And when I say “bit”, I mean that I may watch a couple of shows and then move on to something else.  I still watch “The IT Crowd”, and I have added “Daredevil” to stuff that I can let play while I am sitting around.  But it was the movie, “Nebraska”, a film that I really enjoyed and thought was nicely done that kind of crystallizes the difference in my interests and what I am drawn to and that which I believe others would find interesting and worthwhile.  Sitting around and watching a mindless comedy or simplistic, low-branch dramas just are not worth my time.  I’d rather skim through a book or read and correlate ideas that I can adapt into my own philosophical perspectives.  Anywho, I am only willing to go see “Ride Along” if it means that when I make a suggestion for the cinema, that my choice is not regarded with disdain and scoffed at because it may appear to lie outside of one’s norm for entertainment.

Whenever I think about the state of the interpersonal relationships in my life, as well as the future potential of them, I kind of think wistfully and the snickering grin of the twerpy teenage self manifests itself until I feel the full presence of who I was at 17, unsure about what lay ahead of him, but eager to get on with what  “the life’s pursuit”.  The connectedness that I have had with people, women, in particular, has already exceeded my hopes.  And though I don’t have the material wealth that for some would signify a good, happy, and full life, the life I have led, the life that I lead, continues to fill me each and every day.  My regrets are few, and I await my future with an unflagging enthusiasm… whether it is a future spent shared with anyone or not.

I have begun to become a little unnerved at those who are left unsettled at the idea of aging without a partner.  I remember the comic strip, “The Norm” ran a strip with the titular character and his wife dancing and narration read: “Life’s a dance; Find a partner!”.  I remember clipping it out (and I prolly still have the strip in question) and thinking to myself that someone is going to want to  “dance with me” and I never was too concerned about finding someone to be with.  But I cut that comic out a couple of decades ago… and here I am, still dancing through life without a partner.  And the thing about it is that it does not matter to me whether I find someone to partner with or not.  It is just that when I hear people say that it is a cornerstone to their future happiness in middle age… am I crazy or what?  Why don’t I feel ANYTHING tangible about being by myself?

Questions like that and other rhetoric take up some of the free space on my mental hard drive.  I don’t think that it is because of something that I am ACTUALLY thinking about or even feel.  It is the echoes of the many other lonely souls that are dashing about town, from the few whom I know and the many others that I see and feel as I “jog ‘round town”.  And when I watch movies like “Nebraska” or do things like go to the Joslyn Art Museum to primarily see the works of particular artists.

One Saturday I went to get a haircut and in the barbershop, I go to, there are a couple of televisions.  Both of them have a cable hook-up but for some reason, only the one in the front of the shop was on.  The female barber there “sorta maybe” would like to meet me outside of the barbershop, but moments like this particular day have always kept me from speaking to her outside of the client-barber relationship.

Though she had a cat in her chair and was clipping him up, she kept stealing glances at the television.  BET was showing the sequel to “Big Momma’s House” and seeing her do that created terminal friction between the possibility of her and me establishing anything outside of the barbershop and my own hopes and expectations of a potential partner.  Why was she still finding herself drawn to a movie that she has no doubt seen before, and why would I want to know more about someone who found the entertainment magnetism of such fare that distracting to where she could not devote full concentration at her ONE JOB at hand?  And my observation does get a bit more complicated than just that moment, but the result of it all is that I gained enough information to reach a decision on my possible interest in her.

I do believe that there is a way that you carry yourself when you are really open to full participation in a relationship. - Me

What makes me concern with being alone… first, the point of this particular entry as well as any similar in the past, is the research on loneliness.  It is a negative impact on a person’s health, particularly a man’s health.  Not having a partner to encourage doctor’s visits, monitor diet, to say nothing of what having someone to interact with does in preventing cognitive decline, is on my radar.  But each day I open my door, I also open the potential to interact with others in a meaningful way.  People that I see on my routine travels, to the impulsive detours that I take, all carry weight, carry meaning.  And while I did choose to hobble along with my gout for the month of May, I don’t make any changes in my health (mental or physical) lightly and I keep and make appointments when necessary and not only when convenient.  Along with an improving diet and my interest in physical exercise, the only area that I may be lacking is in the social aspect.

Finding the right people to be a part of your life… since I have always been picky about people who I allow intimate access to me, the “right people” have continually seemed to “find me” as much as I have found them.  The people who I count in my life come up big in different ways, not immediately noticeable, and often done unconsciously.  The small things, from asking if I am doing alright and need a day off at work, to get up from the desk at the atrium of my apartment building so I don’t struggle as much to bring in my groceries, these things matter the most to me.  The big stuff… I will manage that to the best of my abilities.  Besides, being alone is not the same as being lonely.

TACTICAL POST

TACTICAL

Been tired a lot, feeling worn to the point of being held together by frayed cargo straps and duct tape!  But for me, that has become a good feeling, because I am "chasing both the raven and the wren through gorges unexplored since the dawn..." .  One of the things that I really appreciate about being not only single, but alone, is being free of the mundacities of other people's lives.  For instance, my no-longer-on-probation friend, deals with lingering issues that I have neither the inclination nor desire to affix myself with, or have to be weighted by hearing constant complaints and petty discussions that said complaints inspire.  This is an example of the reoccurring "moments of clarity" that strike me when my fatigue leaves my conscious in a weakened and vulnerable state.

My being alone has allows me the freedom to not hindered by whether or not someone else's issues are going to prevent them from helping me with my concerns, concerns which I have reshevled so that I could be more available to help with their problems.  Understand, I don't think that someone should be exclusively available to me whenever I may call on them without reciprocation.  It is more that I do not think that effort and sacrifice should be exclusive to either me OR them, and that we both do all that we can to be present in one another's lives.  By giving all that you can to someone else, I think that you will discover if they are the "right person" quicker and more painlessly, to be quite honest, than if you were to drag things out in a piecemeal fashion.

Nebraska, in my opinion, never really understood that part of the equation in our particular formula.  That, I think, is crucial to why we did not work out and why our relationships reflected poorly when we held it against our previous marriage.  Though I cannot speak for her, the lack of mutual respect for me as a person and the principals that I chose to make the foundation of my life, truly echoed the discord between my ex-wife and I.  It was not that anyone was a bad person, certainly I don't think that Nebraska is a "bad person", but that being limited to traditional expectations and how to achieve them, really prevented either relationship from being anything more than what they were.

Every now and then, I do find myself thinking about reaching out and making a connection... simply for the sake of community.  But as I type these words in a quiet, lonley corridor at the South Omaha campus of Metro Community College, when I could have just as easily chosen to do so in one of the commons area, where " where there is music and there is people and they're young and alive", I think says more about me than anything that I have manage to write down...

Another personal goal for the month is to continue to progress with my workout regimen.  I have a goal of accomplishing a "1200lbs lift", which is a combined total of three different lifts, the squat, the deadlift, and the bench press.  When I first approached the idea of doing the lift, I brazenly claimed that I will do a 600 lb squat!  Now my current max, accomplished two years ago was 405 lbs, and to go from that to a 600 lb max, is quite staggering!  The reason that I figured on doing that much weight is I know that my bench press is going to underperform, and I would have to make up the weight somewhere.  But I have since re-tooled my estimates, looking to get 500 lbs in both the squat and dead lift, leaving me with a meager 200 lbs to go for my bench press.  Even should I pull off "the grand" in the dead and squat lifts, I still will try to best my previous high of 265 lbs in the bench press.  I think that I will do a video... maybe even put it up on Facebook to wow everyone that gets my feed!

Finally, today I am dragging my stinky (woke up late... had school and took not a bath..!) self to the Joslyn to check out the "American Moderns" exhibit.  Then I can go across the street to the fitness club where I am employed and work out..!  Sounds like a "winner, winner, chicken dinner" schedule to me..!

THE WAR EXCUSE

TACTICAL       


I will likely never to go in-depth about my condition.  This is not because I have a problem with sharing my experiences as a disabled cat, but I would rather let an explanation from authority relay the list of symptoms and issues than for me to be drawn into an ad hoc debate/comparison/competition with someone about it.  If a person is interested and really sincere, they will at the very least glean from a reputable source the symptoms and then ask me what my particular episode is like with the condition that I am afflicted with.  For me and for all concerned parties, I feel that would be best.  That was one of the reasons that I was once open to letting Nebraska accompany me on a session with my therapist a time or two. Because as Anthony Griffith indicated in his spoken word piece, there are some things that in the African-American community that we have trouble comprehending and understanding.  I believe that injuries like mine is among the indelicate conversations African-American people have. Anywho, I do feel better, dealing with the small things that prolly would bug someone else, particularly, if they were not aware that they indeed were walking around with brain damage.

One of the things that popped up on my societal radar recently is a SNL skit where they mocked an Armed Forces commercial (which I have never seen).  In the SNL parody, the father and daughter have the type of emotional good-byes that is associated with sending someone off to college or, as in this case, the service.  Only in this instance, the daughter (one Dakota "Shades of Grey" Johnson) wasn't going off to a branch of the United States services, but to join a white pick-up truck filled with guys dressed in Arabic-style insurgent gear... she was going off to join ISIS..!  Some people has a snit fit over it, obviously forgetting how we as a country, watch our media and entertainment mock unapologetically the opposition during WWII.  If you were one of the people who watched the skit and got your panties in a bunch because of it, f*ck you.  If you are so unable to form an informed opinion of your own, following in knee-jerk synchronization with other low-powered bulbs, then there is little hope for you.

In my discussions with Nebraska, the ones prior to recent turn of events, I never got to let her know how much I appreciated the gifts she gave me for my first Christmas in Omaha, or how big a thrill it was for me to finally meet her in our first adventure in Chicago.  Then there was when her middle daughter hooked up a project for me.  Though I mentioned them a time or two in my blog, the feelings were quickly overrun in the tide of what was actually taking place between us. And not unlike my ex-wife's diss of Tommy Hearns or her physically assaulting me as she threw me out of our home, the reasons that I did not whitewash how I felt about my Phillip Roth-like complaints, are that they have roots in my past, unfocused and immature, sense of judgment regarding things that I have never again wanted to repeat in my life.

Since communications between us has completely broken down, I have no idea of how she feels about me.  Rather than being sad or feeling like I somehow lost out on something (pretty hard to feel that way since I have on several occasions been reminded that we never actually "had" anything) promising, I don't have the feeling of lost.  As to the reason why that is, well, that is a simple as an objective reading of the rules that I have chosen to live by.


WHY IT IS SO IMPORTANT THAT YOU KNOW THE ENVIRONMENT

This is a question that has a simple answer.  But all too often, it is the simple things that are harder to implement as an action, with the more mundane something is, the more likely that it is something I have found that a person will let slip by.

As a young boy, it seemed fairly clear why the young women in and around me in my life at the time were having the problems that they were with their boyfriends.  Whatever had them overlook the traits and flaws, those of simple selfishness to those that signs that mark bigger flaws in a person, such as those that would mark the faithfulness or kindness of a person, continued to leave me baffled.  Even as sisters would use a broad brush and paint men as "no good" (or as my ex-wife used to say, "A man is a dog and a dog is a man"... yeesh) and whatever, they would still be compelled to act with a lemming-like behavior in the chase of what they believed was love.

Even as I would rant 'n rave about African-American women, in my mind it was always with a caveat, my comments said with an understanding that most of the "why" to their behavior was due in no small part to their reaction to the behavior of African-American men.  That said, if you have figured out that most of you choices for a potential partner are likely to have certain flaws to their character, then somewhere in the process that has to be a way to separate "the wheat from the chaff", so to speak.  If there are anything in an individuals methodology in choosing a partner that keeps bringing them back to the same kind of partner, then, it isn't necessarily that "all men are dogs and a dog is a man", but just maybe it is you...

A big part of the reason that people choose poorly has to do with their mental state.  Affirming the African-American prejudice in getting psychological help (which is mirrored somewhat by Scientology... so you can just imagine how wrong-headed the idea of psychological health care being an exclusive privilege is), is the lack of general understanding of our emotional health.  A TED Talk given by the psychologist Guy Winch that was shared to me by Thomas, reminded me of when I was a little pre-pubescent child who read above his level.  Nearly all of the things that Dr. Winch talks about, especially with the things that exacerbates the problems of unhealthy mental health, are second nature to me.  I can understand how difficult it must be to develop the habits of good mental health, because so few seem to have them.  The irony is that those who were/are bullies to me and are now as adults projecting the scars of their emotional distress, still are unable to face the nature of their actual problems.  Which leads them to make the same mistakes over and over, in spite of the superficial difference that they may have observed... because they are still doing the same thing, following the same script.

THE UNFATHOMABLE PREDICTABILITY OF THE ECLECTIC METHOD

I remember from one of the comments I got in the AOL Journals days spoke to the kind of woman that I would partner with is going to have to be intelligent.  And I think that it was correct in the sense that whoever I am with is going to have to be nimble of mind and capable of holding her own in conversations on a myriad number of topics.  But not only should this potential person be capable of holding their own intellectually, but their emotional maturity and growth may be of even more critically importance.  To me, the emotional capability of a person informs their intellect and the both then are increased.  But intellect alone is less than without an emotional grounding.  Emotional maturity, I think, allows a person to be capable of doing what Fitzgerald suggests, being able to manage both what they believe against what they don't, and not invalidate either belief intellectually or emotionally.  This is something that I strive for in my personal relationships, and in those where this is lacking, the relationships withers as a result of the paucity of respect that comes with having a working balance between what one knows and what one feels.

"When I am focused on small things, then I don't have to worry about larger ones." - a quote or something resembling the source, which is from someone who is more wise than I am

If character is about the things that you do when you think that it won't come to anyone else's attention, then the scope of that character is based on what matters to you and is comprised of the things you qualify as priorities.  This is where the most obvious signs of trouble in relationships can be seen and is most often ignored.  If a person is capable of "cutting you" in the small regularities of the everyday... the trifles of life, then there is NO DOUBT that for you, this is not the person you want to hinge your emotional stability upon.  The thing about the trifles are that they are not to be confused with petty or insignificant.  You can't consider a ride to a grocery store or a request for company "small" because on the surface it may seem so to you.  But when you take something that one person holds in a different regard than you do and your prejudice causes you to unjustly diminish another's personal sense of urgency, that is the instigation to "relationship fail".

Whenever I have been told that I "think too much" or that I "take things seriously", I have interpreted those words to mean that they are less concerned with the importance of whatever it is to someone else and are limited to the opinion of the significance of the subject of the conversation.  Too often, I have been that "someone else".  When it comes to the general population, I am cool with that and I may even agree with this assessment (but only to an extent; beyond that, I could care less).  But if to someone who is seeking to build a deep and meaningful relationship with me, I just can't do it.

Only on the surface and to the superficial does "how I think" look overly complex and straining towards a philosophical depth.  "I am human and I need to be loved... just like everyone else does", goes the song, "How Soon Is Now?".  And as the mournful soul whose heart lies at the bottom of those lyrics bemoans their perceived fate, do I find myself trying to avoid the label of being deep.  Using my "community" again as a scapegoat, when I was growing up, seeming too intellectual was also seen as a betrayal to your race... UGH..!  Anywho, I don't like being called deep because I only have a superficial understanding of what other's may think that I understand.  That said, if you think that you are going to enter into a relationship with me at the same level of conversation that you may have pursued other relationships with, I think that you ought to think about it!!

EPILOGUE:
Wow... I have been running my mouth, using a lot of words but am I really saying anything?  Welcome to my public diary, as much of what I have said is nearly engulfed in unnecessary verbiage!  Some of this excessive ranting is due to the various challenges that I am facing as direct as I can... and the rest is due to unresolved feelings about Nebraska.  But, I am not seeking or asking for a resolution... I am going to go on (and don't stop..!) with myself...

WE KNEW THE ENVIRONMENT

TACTICAL

I feel consciously and conspicuously better these days.  My newest 'scrpt seems to be doing its job and I am grateful for it.  The shadows of my condition have grown a bit longer in the sense that they could not get better and can only worsen over time.  Is 8 1/2 years long enough for signs of some degradation of my personal state?  This will be the third time that I have had my anxiety medication changed to something else, and who knows how many more times in my life I may need to have an adjustment to my medication?

If the future is written, and we become good friends at some as of yet unknown time, the time from the summer of 2013 until the point when we again become relevant in one another's lives again, will we say that in the fading winter of 2015, the lowest point between Nebraska and myself was reached.  At times, our relationship has resembled the kind of discussions that I'd imagine pass for the negotiations between the Israelis and the Palestinians, and there still is enough there for me to not completely throw in the towel on our friendship.  And if the climate between us remains a frigid as it currently is, well, I have ridden my bike through plenty of cold, inhospitable, winters in my life.  I think that they way that I have handled them, both the real and those made up of the unseen forces that come between two people, has me wanting me to shrug my shoulders and say that "whatevs" as the appropriate comment should the final exchange of email be what becomes of our relationship and Nebraska in my life.

BECAUSE IF THE RULE YOU USED BROUGHT YOU TO THIS...

The particulars of our earliest, pre-concept, conversations are lost to me.  I really did not think to save our emails or IM's because, again, why?  But the ones that I do have, particularly those around our very first IRL meet in Chicago during the pre-holiday season of 2010 and early 2011 only reaffirmed what I tried to express to her as I explained why when I got to Omaha, I did not feel obliged to engage in a full-bore pursuit of a relationship with her.  That said, even if some of the "pre-historic" emails and IM's that I did not save were true, by my Mom's advice, the relationship between us was tabled.

As I grew more into my own person, I observed that things were not as clear cut as the metaphorical Agent of Death that Anton Chigurh would have one to believe.  Not even my cranky philosophical mentors, Nietzsche and Schopenhauer, would have considered my approach as strict and pure adherence to their thinking either.  I did not have a way to make what I felt a solid piece of thinking, something that I could transmit as an idea to another person, until I read a quote by then-besieged Notre Dame football coach Bob Davie.  At the height of the rivalry between the University of Miami Hurricanes and the Notre Dame Fightin' Irish, he said in an interview after a particularly heinious-looking performance by the Irish in the old Orange Bowl and home of the Hurricanes, that "we knew the environment" (which could be exchanged with Dennis Green's rant after a game between his Arizona Cardinals and the Chicago Bears..!), meaning that they knew what they were getting into and had prepared with the intentions of giving a better performance.  Still, the rule remains that once a person shows you that they don't like you...

I took what she said about meeting me and stated then that I did think as highly of her as I had before my visit; in fact I thought even more highly over her because she treated me well IN SPITE of her diminished expectations.  So, I knew what I was getting into with her and it was confirmed when I made the trip to fill out the paperwork for my apartment here in town.  Far or unfair, that is how I roll with EVERYONE. 

Operating under the idea that it is easy to be crappy to people over the computer and much harder to do it to someones face... to MY face.  For those who have seen me, the people in my life that know me, could not imagine ANYONE saying some of the things that have been said via email to me.  So imagine my reaction when I saw some of the same traits from those conversations on display as we sought to establish a connection... which must have included some level of willful ignorance.

WHO THE HELL DOESN'T TAKE THE THIRD GAME OF THE PRESEASON SERIOUSLY?

We've known each other for something on the order of 13 years.  Nearly from the beginning, I not only told her about how I felt about Omaha, but how I felt towards her and WHY.  Nearly all the time that I was single and really ready to mingle, she was indifferent, to say the least, my entreaties.  Then when I made my claiming statement and let her know that I was going to move here, she was still waffling in what she felt towards me and our possible relationship.  Going back to how excited I was after getting to Omaha and meeting a bus driver who was is a Detroit native, I could not hope to explain how good I felt about my decision.  What this meant was that if the rule(s) that I had believed in once I decided to "grow up" in my early thirties, that I had to, at some point, decide to live a life that reflected the life that I want to be remembered for on my deathbed.  Asking for a clean slate, down a path that no foot had disturbed, I was going to make this my last chance, and that is what inspired my drive to write down the things that shape my person.

In this journal I have set out to empty myself of the mental detritus that I felt was responsible for some of my less-than-good choices in life.  I had assessed the things that I had made poor choices on, then I resolved to not make those choices again.  The things that I was thankful for, like being an African-American in the late-20th century and not in any other time prior.  Thankful for the kind of Mother that would let me think and do for myself to the extent that she did.  With all my things to be thankful for, I felt obliged to actually get back on the grid and make something of myself.

My life is no longer mine.  I have had a super great run... if I wanted to be in a happy marriage, well, why did I not do better in high school?  Same thing with a better career, more success in professional boxing, having more fulfilling interpersonal relationships.  When I was in high school, I simply should have done better.  Underachievers, puh-LEEZE try harder!!

And now... it doesn't matter that when we first met online that Nebraska did not take me as serious as I had hoped.  It doesn't matter that she did not take me seriously when I made the decision to move to Omaha.  And I think that even as my things arrived at her house, she may not have taken me seriously... she certainly did not after my arrival... and that is why you have to wonder WHO the hell doesn't take the third game of the preseason seriously? 

We have been in separate worlds almost since I arrived here.  Save for rare occasions, meeting her Moms and girls for supper... when I got hit shortly afterwards by a car (hello 2012..!), and when she came over with her daughter and bailed me out with a project, we have been on different wavelengths, and that is just that with that.  So... that said... really, who takes the third game of the preseason seriously?  Our starters all played 3 quarters... they are who that we thought they were!!

...and who we thought they were... is exactly who they are.