Sunday, March 30, 2014



I am cool.  Everything is copacetic.  Which is not to say that things are easy.  When you have an attitude that is reflected in the phrase, “problems with solutions aren’t problems”, it is hard to do the pissing and moaning that comes with striving towards a goal.  For instance, making graduation and a vacay come off is going to be difficult, as is getting my certification for personal training and possibly taking a summer course.  But most achievements that are worthwhile often are difficult.  The testing, the tasking of our mettle, is the price we must pay when working toward a goal.


I was asked a question regarding making decisions and getting past the nagging spectre of our fears, which I believe manifest themselves in uncertainty and doubt.  Though I often pull out one of several CVC (Carl Von Clausewitz for the uninitiated) quotes, the thing about my use of quotes by anyone is that the speaker gives words to the feelings that I already had inside of me.

Now whether it is my delusion of grandeur that powers my ego, I cannot stress enough how important it is to ascertain a value for yourself that is commensurate to the person that reflects the person that you are.  No matter what my circumstance, I have always believed that I hold myself to my established standards of my own self-worth.  It makes me bulletproof to those who question my actions, especially those who keep to the well-trod path of the masses.

Our existence is truly an extraordinary set of circumstance, and whether you adhere to a theological explanation for your existence or not, I feel that finding your personal destiny is your primary duty.  No matter what, each and every being that walks, creeps, swim or flies between the waters and the skies, has that in common with one another.  This is what drives me, believing that I have a place specific to me and that I am filling that role along with my personal desires being attuned to my purpose in this reality.

I have taken pains to acknowledge those things that fortune saw to put into my life.  From being thankful for the era of my birth, to the happenstance that has brought people that I consider dear friends into my life, I take NOTHING for granted.  That is an “all the time” thing and it is not uncommon for someone to ask me, “What’s on your mind, Mark?” and my reply will be “ LUCKY I believe I am!”  This is something that I have done throughout my journal, even while I struggled with taking hold of my life while living in “the provincial town I once jogged ‘round”.  Taking stock of the things that I have positive in my favor and making good use of those things, be they inherent qualities of character, materiel, or any combination of those things that would propel me toward my goal.  One of the very first things that I tend to do to reflect on my situation with gratitude and to acknowledge any past opportunities to have made better decisions as learning experiences that I prioritize taking positives away from.  This not throwing out “the baby and just the bathwater” approach has made those necessary moments of introspection a lot easier to bear when the acknowledging of my own culpability in the incident of fail.


In panning for the good in the streams of our souls, it is always good to remember that in prospecting for any resources of rare value, that most times you will fail.  But if we have employed all of our skill and talent to the discovery of what is obvious only to us, then it is my belief that we will discover what we seek.

The inference of the header is that no matter what you say about yourself is that your actions ultimately tell the tale of who you are.  Since I have committed so much of my journaling to my perspective on relationships, I feel that my being content with being alone should come as a surprise to no one, particularly if they have been reading for any great length of time.  So it goes with my being happy here in Omaha, as I have felt obligated to remind readers that while the possibility of a relationship with Nebraska was part of my decision to move to Omaha, it was not the main factor that influenced my decision.

When I go about the day, greeting people and making conversation, it is always with the ethic that I should “ kind, for everyone we meet is fighting a hard battle”.  So it is there, with being kind to people, that I would make my first choice in the practice of eliminating as much uncertainty in my life and decisions.  See, I believe that happiness is not something that just happens, nor is it something that floats unseen and invisible to us.  Happiness is a choice, and if you have chosen to be happy, then I believe that it follows that you would do things that brings you happiness.


Finally, trusting in yourself and your own nature will go a long way to lighting your path.  I think that if you believe in your own sense of self, your own sense of what is right and fair, that your choices will reflect your nature and it would be evident.  You have to be willing to forgive yourself for your past and for your future mistakes, and make your goal to be the person you want to be in the moment.  For me, the present state is recognized as “the man we all know and love”.  

Esteem is something that other people give to you… and true self-esteem is what you give to yourself.  But the problem with self-esteem is not that it is needed, because plenty of people have an outsized sense of who they are.  I believe that the problem with self-esteem is that it is erroneously taken for self-confidence.  Whatever are the results of your actions, at work, in relationships, or in your own well-being, should define your confidence, and that is where you should be the well from which you draw your self-esteem.

1 comment:

Jonthy Williams said...

I agree with your personal philosophy about self-worth and forgiving yourself for past wrongs. I had a hard time forgiving myself after my mom died. For a long time, my subconscious felt I had failed her. Not so. But good people sometimes feel guilty about things that are out of their control. There are a lot of things about life that are out of our control.