THANKS, BUT SEE...


I received several comments after my most recent entry suggesting that I am hard on myself.  While I appreciate the sentiment behind those words, there are a couple of three or so things that is a part of my character that I think I should mention…


One of them is that ‘Ignorance of the Law is no excuse’.  By that I mean the mistakes that I have made because I did not possess the awareness or knowledge aforethought does not make things ‘all good’.  When I was in my teens, this was okay, because I did not have the needed life experience, but knowing what is what is best (and right) from what is easy (and usually wrong) is no real justification for certain errors.


Also what I believe my self-flagellation from many other folks doing the blog thing and venting about there troubles is that I acknowledge and consider my own complicity in my past failings.  Whether or not there were agitations, added complexities and undue outside influences in certain situations or no, in my eyes, still are a reflection on mistakes on my part.




Take the case of two of the biggest relationship matrixes that I have spoken of in my journal, the one with my family and the one with my ex-wife.  In both of them I do hold a small amount of ‘confustration’ over what took place within them BUT (and the reason it is such a big but!) is that other people have dealt with worse hands and ended up with big wins at the table of life.  Not only in comparison, it is also in my own conscious that I feel that I have misplayed my hand, and not been a victim of circumstance.  With that being the case…


THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GETTING A B+ AND AN A-


I have like teachers ever since Mrs. Stevenson and Mrs. Kent, my 1st and 2nd grade teachers.  I think they are amazing people for what they do and even the mediocre teachers have a greater positive impact on the world than that of a successful hedge fun manager, lobbyist or political flack.  But staying on course…


Not only do I have a love and real appreciation for teachers and the profession, several major players in my life were educators and there are certain insights that I gleaned from them, albeit late in my academic career, that is the boulder that I must push to the top of a rounded-off hill.  


One of my resources explained to me the difference between the two letter grades in this sections ID in their grading.  See, a (+) or (-) does not factor into the actual letter grade as much as it does on the psychology of the student.  They were more apt to give a (B+) to a struggling student who really worked their tail off to get their 88% than they were to give a straight (A) to a student who scored 91%.  That person, they said, was more likely to have a (-) affixed alongside their grade, because they more than likely were underachieving for whatever reason.  This assessment was made from observing them and from the work they produced.  Likewise, the latter student was likely to merely get a (B) when their score fell into that range, whether it was on the high end or not.  Again, that underachieving thing, and it may have added commentary that reflected that opinion.
I got a lot of (A-) in my schooling… not often, especially in high school, did I get a (B+).  Though I consider myself a effort kind of guy (M.T.X.E deserves a post of its own!), I did not necessarily work hard.  Stuff came easy to me and I was content to let it, not bothering to hone any of my academic talent to precision.  And now…


I took a quiz in my Info Systems class and though I really studied I still got two questions wrong that I knew the answers to.  Looking at my score, I reflected on the story I have related to you, fond friend and reader, and it contrasts with why I don’t give myself a break, even if I should.  Though fate has been fickle, it has been so only occasionally with me.  More often I feel like I have the opportunity  to walk in a dimension that lies between ‘here’ and ‘there’ called ‘the time of timelessness’, where all the road that lead between decisions and consequence exist.  And that is another reason that there are such hard feelings (but not so hard you can’t dunk them in milk and they go soft!) in regards to my peeps and my starter wife.


THOUGH IT WORKS BETTER IN SCIENCE, IN LIFE, YOU DON’T NEED TO VERIFY EVERYTHING


As intuitive as I can be about things, confirmation of what you think is more of a test of things like desire and will than anything else.  I believe that often we ‘know’ not only better but the consequence of making the decision that leads us into disarray and/or ruin and that is what regret is all about.  This is what makes the two issues from my past that I speak of the most stand out in my mind as a ‘binary singularity’.  They were early examples of a lesson that I have gone on to confirm repeatedly and I don’t think I need to prove them as a truth anymore.  I had intuition on what I should do, just as I had my intuition on revisiting old flames or whatever is a bad idea, there was the same kind of ‘knowing’ regarding other relationships...


…and maybe the underachieving from high school manifested in the choices I have made since.  And why I made them, well, that is going to have to come at another time BUT the same ‘bat station’!

IT IS STILL ON MY MIND EVEN IF IT ISN'T ON YOURS...

BECAUSE I WATCH A LOT OF CNN



There is so much tragedy going on in the world that my middling personal bloviating extremely insignificant. The earthquake/tsunami in Japan is of a magnitude that it is hard to imagine what is being experienced there. Still, when it comes to putting things in perspective, I wonder how that is supposed to change how I view things in my small, microscopic, portion of the universe. Of course there are plenty of other things happening in the world more noteworthy than words that run like dysentery out of my fingers instead of something solid from another part of my body. Still, being reminded of how small I am doesn’t lessen the weights on my mind that I am trying to lift away. I have always been in awe of the occurrence that has brought me into existence and I think that I live in celebration and appreciation of my blink by continuing to strive in spite of myself.

Why does Libya look like Vietnam to me? The  Arab League asking for a no-fly zone to be established over Libya is peculiar to say the least. I think that what is going on in the Middle East is a fancy ‘Gulf of Tonkin incident’ or ‘Lusitania sinking’ that is destined to have our over-extended military stretched even further. I wonder how long this is going to be a story, considering the shelf-life for the 2004 tsunami in the media cycle.

MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE RANCH



Going from one conspiracy to another… I thought about bailing on the whole line I had started to draw in my last entry but it would not let me go. So I thought about why I am spending so much time talking about women in a wider but personal perspective that comes across a little… vindictive, maybe? Especially since I seem to harp on the Black Matriarchal Complex and the Sisterhood of Bitter Black Women…

In asking about whether or not I am a ‘He-Man Women Hater’, I wondered about how it came to be that way and why I don’t think that I am a card carrying member of Spanky’s lodge. Part of what happens is that in my mind I hear both sides of a discussion. When I get here, to my journal, only one side comes out, primarily because I try to keep a word count on my entries and believe that letting my thoughts roll out is one thing but to really ramble on unconsciously is something I don’t believe is healthy for me and is NOT how a brother does things.


Remembering how one Aunt was responsible for going a long way to nurture my self-esteem, the Aunt that lived with us over in the 48219 was just as responsible for the division that broke me off from the bond that I had with my family. Though I have no idea of what her experience with men prior to her husband was like, what I do know is that like my Mother, after her marriage, she had no boyfriends or even dates, which I really thought was odd. She had two sons and they were in their twenties when she came to live with us and maybe why they weren’t always around would explain why she brought with her an attitude that would foster Jan’s self-loathing and spoil the relationship that I had with my Mom.

The fractures in the relationship that black men and women have with each other are many, some annoying and others nearly fatal to the ‘loveship’ (a word coined by LovBabz)between them as a couple. Norman Lear, whoever dreamt up the script for ‘Claudine’ and the entire urban music industry and corporate media, and the Prison Industrial Complex have exploited these cracks to great perpetual commercial success, not to mention the damage by the normalization of negative behaviors between sisters and brothers. Unlike what I had observed between my Mom and Pop, my Aunts marriage was like a Donald Goines novel. He was a very small time hustler and while she was a college grad from Marygrove, I would be hard pressed to see what she saw in him. What ever it was, they had two boys a year apart who would grow up to follow in his ‘street entrepreneur’ ways, moving merchandise, trying to sell marijuana and doing whatever they could to avoid legitimate work, just like their Dad. Not to mention taking the resources that could be found in a loveship that was healthy and to the benefit of both parties. Seems like that would be obvious but when it comes to anything regarding how men and women get along, no matter how well thought out a theory may be, the practice often varies in degrees of how it is applied that determines its function.


My Aunt’s marriage did not even have the pretenses of having any balance. But what happened to her was her experience and one that she willfully participated in. Just because was compelled to be in such a bastardization of her feelings did not mean that it would be the same for anyone other than her. My position is that the effect of what she went through in her marriage along with how it poisoned her would eventually seep into the relationship that I had with my Mother.


THE SINS OF THE FATHER… THE SINS OF THE SONS


Her sons had a lot of ‘woulda, coulda’ potential. Her oldest played a little basketball in high school and who knows if he had stuck to his script where his skill would have taken him. The youngest son was pretty smart but the both of them chose to follow in the Father’s footsteps into petty crime and two bit hustling… not to mention thinking that it was okay play women (yes, that is a hair that I split) without having any intention on behaving according to the script. I remember listening to their ‘advice’ and having to filter what made good sense and what kind of stuff that made sense after smoking some sh*t. Anywho, between her crap marriage and the crap traits that her boys seem to have inherited, her opinion of black men was warped.


Here is where her problems would become my problems. She had influence on my Mom and I feel that she would begin to see me through whatever prism my Aunt provided her. Things get even more intricate and I will forego readers the pleasure and myself the agonizing. I would enter high school and hedge things by enrolling in ROTC. Going to the service looked a lot more likely even as I showed promise as an amateur boxer. The coincidence of this and other remotely connected changes in the atmosphere at home went from subtle to obvious after I lost my virginity. It would be the last time I can remember coming to my Mom with a jam, particularly any relationship of mine that involved the transfer of fluids, that I felt I could speak to her as my friend and not ‘associates’ who happened to be related.

RANDOM THOUGHTS

OUT OF MY MIND ON A TUESDAY



I wonder if my newly-married sister wants more children, specifically, a son. Her twin has three, one girl and two boys. Her husband has a daughter from a previous relationship as does she, with her girl being a year older.

It isn’t like I really care but I was in the tub and scraping the dead skin off my feet and I was thinking how big a sissy I must have seemed when I was younger. Walking around the house with skin cream on my face and forever buffing my fingernail, finishing them off with clear nail polish.


To the outside eye, it is a wonder that the twins took the pursuits that they did. The ‘oldest’ twin in the Army along with her twin followed my lead into the ROTC (though it was Navy ROTC) in high school. I remember speaking to them at length about the benefits of service and that even if they did not enlist, they could still become reserves, go to college and all the other good stuff that the ROTC could do for them.


The Army twin would also play basketball at a HIGH level, getting on the court for repeat city champs in high school and a state championship. Her sister, with whom I had a very close bond with (it is was not by accident that she asked me to walk her down the aisle) would run high school track, go on to pioneer woman football as a member of the Detroit Demolition AND even get in the ring a few times as a boxer!!

Now I never ever pretended to be a ‘Father’ for them or anything. I could say the same thing about my darling brother and getting him to be ‘Miss Piggy/Leroy from ‘Fame’ on skates’, among the imprinting I did on him. Strange… the girls took to the masculine traits in me and my brother… well, I am not saying he took his sexual cues from me, but he was certainly comfortable in our house. He wasn’t teased for his orientation (but I did have my sardonic taunts that annoyed him plenty!), but he was encouraged to be who he was. One of the funniest moments of my amateur career occurred at a club on the east side.

Normally any place that had room would do for a fight show. Foreign Legion Halls, Bingo Parlors, and sometimes night clubs… even gay ones. I used to tag along with him, mainly to make sure he was safe and to listen to the coolest music! Anywho, I remember one smoker was set up at Todd’s and the cat working the door eyeballed me. He no doubt recognized me and was wondering what on earth was I doing? Then he saw me fight. Afterwards, he gave me some real daps and smile the next time I would come in with my darling brother, even giving us a serious break on the ID card (we didn’t often get carded, but we didn’t have to produce any ‘make believe’ to get in after my boxing match there!) check at the door.

Boiling this down to what hit me in the tub, I thought how the twin who got married would seem to her prospective son. Sunday on one of the NFL pre-game shows, there was a story about a NFL player whose Mom really wanted to play football when she was young girl but was not able to do so. She did pass that love on to her son… and I wonder if something like that would happen to the newlywed girl’s prospective son? It would take ‘being tough as a girl’ to a new level, don’t you think??

It took me until after I came home from the Army for me to realize that I was both bigger and stronger, physically, than my Mother. It was the first week home and I felt like I towered over her. What struck me was that I had prolly been this much bigger than her for a while… I did not exactly ‘grow’ while I was in the service… maybe an inch, inch-and-a-half. Weight was static so, it must have been her presence that had me think she was ‘bigger’ than me. Funny… if she did have another child and it was boy, I don’t think that the apple would have fallen far from the tree.

Nebraska noticed how my new BIL personality can be a bit annoying. I wonder how the couple are going to mix, because my sister is a go-getter and isn’t used to being told what to do but, he is former military and I think having been a soldier could help in their marriage. I know she used to get along with a certain Army cat who wore the AG shield on his class A’s…


While it put a HUGE crimp in my budget (the will be no COLA increase this year… one day, I am going to post about what I think about the mess over Social Security and how I think there is something fishy about the boondoggle going on in the socio-political spin cycle), having done so, I feel a lot better about myself and my future. Having my Dad see that I made the effort and getting a chance to meet Nebraska (along with my nephews, they were also able to note my ‘position upgrade’) and making my sister’s big day, I figure that my ‘break in case of emergency’ box  has been refilled, wouldn’t you say?  It isn’t that I am thinking that things won’t work out for me here but that is a part of my ‘eclectic method’. Anywho…

 ILLINOISE (a really cool Suftjan Stevens cd!!)

I remember how tremendous the Kendall Gill-Kenny Norman team was in the ’88-’89 season and how they tortured Michigan in their regular season match-ups. Then Glen Rice went all GLEN RICE in the NCAA’s , including their third match-up in the Final Four for that season. It was also the year I finally got a well-earned win over my simon-pure nemesis in the Golden Glove, the same night as Michigan’s win over the Illini.

Now that Roy Williams coaches Carolina, I am less fond of them as a ‘team’. I really liked Tyler Hansborough, because of his grit and hustle (plus Mookie Dee could not STAND him!! Of course I would wear my Carolina stuff when they played national games… but NOT when they played against Sparty... ALWAYS root the home team, with one notable exception). I didn’t like how Coach Roy Williams left Kansas, which was quite classes, if you asked me. But as long as they were that Carolina blue, I am going to lean toward the Heels.

Northeast Indiana cheers for Illinois? Or is it the Big Ten thing?? I don’t know but I could see either one being enough… I would like for the Big Ten to do well in the ACC-Big Ten challenge, even if they have to beat Carolina. Either way, I will be good, but tomorrow, it is all about Sparty! I respect Duke and its coach, Mike Krzyzewski and the job he does graduating players, but some of them are the most hatable cats in college basketball… it has been proven through history! I still hate Jim Spanarkel and Mike Gminiski, much less Danny ‘The Bust’ Ferry and Christian Lattener among some of his better know players. But I did like Tommy Amaker and wanted him to do well at Michigan… but what a catch for Harvard!! Can you imagine HIS resume?? Graduated Duke with a national title, won a NIT title at Michigan and coaches at Harvard… do you get any better than that?

Squirted all over my word count limit… sorry about it. Hope y’all are having a good day… I know that I am!!

GOING UP A HILL AND COMING DOWN A MOUNTAIN

NEBRASKA: FTW

It was a sketchy beginning. I did not get a drop of sleep Thursday night. I was pretty clear-eyed as I slid out (as I would slide back in Sunday afternoon) unnoticed. For some reason, that made me feel good as I knew I would be gone at least until early Monday morning, when the bus was scheduled to arrive from Chicago and drop me back in Omaha. My home.

I felt like the trip there was short even with the bus leaving an hour late. It seems that the ‘road warrior’ that would ride non-stop from Carolina to the Metro, and from different towns represented by dots on the map as a boxer, has no problem being a passenger. My sister kept calling me, not nerve-wracking in frequency, just enough to let me know she was looking out for me and concerned about whether or not I was on my way to take part in her wedding. Though the trip itself was not bad, the trip I was on in my head was.

From Davenport to Chicago... my lovely seatmates!!

But there would be something that would happen at the end of the night that more than made up for the obstacles I had to overcome and put up with once in Chicago. Fitfully tossing and turning as I tried to go to bed trying to fall asleep, I received a phone call, with the caller instructing me to open the door to my room. I did so unhesitatingly, and there she was, Nebraska. Whatever discomfort I had been feeling started to leave, falling away from my body as it leeched from the marrow of my bones.


Out of all that would take place from my departure from Omaha early Friday morning and my eventual return on Sunday evening, the most important happening was that moment. Without that, we would not have been able to have the conversation that we would have nor would the current level of understanding that now exists between us.


There isn’t going to be any talk about the irony I felt or how I had to endure any part of the weekend because her appearance immediately made any insecurity or discomfort a non-issue. Three years from the week we actually met from the first time our relationship took another huge step forward and this time we can ride the momentum from ‘this Chicago’, together.


For someone who lived a life that has been apathetic when it comes to personal sentiment, it felt different being a part of such an emotional event with someone that means so much to me. Nebraska and I sat for a bit with my Father and she was able to observe the bride-to-be and get a better feel for the nature of my relationships with people (since I feel the same way about this sister as I do my other two sisters) that I don’t care for, despite the smiles and displays of affection. What was huge is having walked my sister down the aisle, saying good-bye to some of the heavier chains from my past has officially taken place. The scale may not reflect it but I have lost a LOT of weight. And thanks to Nebraska, instead of ‘surviving’, I was able to shine and be ‘the man that I KNOW and love’. Oh, and bring THAT MARK home with us to Omaha.

Much of what I thought I was needed to work through by discussing people I had most recently had a relationship with (which is such a relative term) now has been made a moot point. All, or nearly all of the conversation about my life for the past two years has been archived, hopefully forever.

I did get emotional, shedding tears for not only the little sister who was leaving forever, for our Mother for whom I felt I represented, but also because this meant I that I could walk away without any regret or bad feeling from worrying about the relationships from my upbringing. And THAT was due in no small part to (and I cannot begin to tell you how MUCH her showing up meant to me) Nebraska showing up and helping me bringing my direct participation in the lives of my sisters to an end. And for our relationship finally taxi down the runway, with nothing but wide open spaces above us…

(Monkey in a Tux w/Dad over his shoulder)

IT IS ABOUT AS FUN AS A BARREL OF WORMS

IT IS GETTING HECTIC



Last night I had a terrible anxiety attack. That is an overused self-diagnosis as many people who are going through the tidal ebb and flow of perceived emotional distress, often mistake true anxiety with being unwilling to deal with the consequence of their own bad decisions. When the seed that is their thoughts yield a poor harvest, they mistake the stresses they endure for some form of ‘anxiety’ and cheapen the term in doing so.











Real anxiety is spun together out of the thinness of the air. It is something that you cannot see, hear, nor taste, yet all of your cognitive senses tell you that there is a body, a presence with you, and it is an oppressive feeling. No matter what you do, it clings to your perception alone and trying to distinguish between the differences between what is real and pure fabrication is nearly impossible. In fact I believe that it can be the ability TO separate the real from the fabrication that makes it grow stronger.






Though my reflections that I have been willing to share in this platform can make me seem that I am lost to my past, I am not in agreement with those who would share that opinion. I will admit that there are certain things that are attached to me like an invasive species, and my relationships with my sisters, my family in general, are some of the most stubborn.






It was earlier this year reading one in a journal about how one family rallied around to defend and protect a member of their clan as their marriage was pulled apart by the unseen fundamental force that acts on everyone, that I really put in some ‘goat-thinking’ about my marriage and my family’s role as it disintegrated.





The brewing internal storm that woke me up at 2 a.m. and will keep me up past my usual bedtime first arose when my sister announced her wedding and her desire that I, along with our Father, walk her down the aisle this past summer. It all seemed fast to me, with her having met this cat in late spring to be making wedding plans. But who am I to talk, having done more or less the same thing, save the ceremony and things.






My memories of moments that have been frozen in my mind have thawed out in the past few years and also have been re-animated. What has made them significant once more is that many of them have been authenticated on my trip back down memory lane. The occasional look sees on Face Book, the odd run-in with an ancient acquaintance, all along with all-too infrequent email, have verified my belief that no matter how crappy a person that I have been, there is still more Mark on the good side of the ledger than the bad. From Mookie Dee, SD, Tee Jay and the SFC, not to mention the opinions of cats that I ran with in my early burglary years acts as sufficient authentication to the kind of person that is somewhere inside of me.






Having trotted out my terrible marriage as evidence for the kind of inequities that I endured at the business end of whatever frustrations that the women in my family had in their lives, running into the cat who I trained with as a junior boxer, brought back other memories that I have glossed over. In speaking on the Kronk Kat who lived a few streets over and how fond my Mom was of him, my friend reminded me of how strange it was to have my family ‘split’ between who they wanted to win our matches.






You do realize I am talking about boxing and not tennis, right? While there are areas of a sport that are individual, say the match-ups in football or the one-on-one in basketball that are personal, how much more personal can you get than boxing? That people with the same blood as me found it difficult to root against ‘a family friend’ who was trying to beat me up sums up a lot of why I have the conflict about my people as I do.






This cat harassed me throughout jr. high, at the newspaper station where with my darling brother and Jan, we all delivered papers. His availability to help my Mom run errands during hours of school said more about him than it did me and my lack of enthusiasm for shoveling snow or raking the thatch off the lawn when spring came. I attended a very competitive high school as well as juggling the job at the store, boxing and helping around the house. Many times it occurred to me that maybe he reminded my Aunt, who lived with us at the time, as well as Mom, of someone from their memories, I don’t know. He may have been loveable, but he was certainly scurrilous and THAT was again verified when I ran into him aimlessly wandering downtown last year. I did not have to ask where life had taken him since our youth. The wear was evident in his languid, rheumy eyes and weathered skin.






I am looking forward to Saturday afternoon not because I will be apart of a wonderful moment in the life of a beloved sister, but because I can let go of so much what draws me back to this state of mind. I will be relieved when all of this is over and I can start dealing with the personal cost of showing up for a person I can’t rely on for anything.

OF OLD MEN, GLOOMY DAYS, AND LONG WALKS IN THE RAIN

OF OLD MEN, GLOOMY DAYS, AND LONG WALKS IN THE RAIN


An actual content post today on as NPR of a Saturday as I have had in a very long time. I am trying to fight the tears in my eyes because I am feeling so good right now. Will have to give a report on some of the stories I have heard because I think I have found my motivation. In fact, I have found my motivation in a lot of things.


One spot that I have found a little motivation to finish out my series on what I have learned in my relationships over the last ten years or so was in this post here. Actually, there have been several journals that have spoken to the archeology of ex-this or that (which really were related in this case) in our lives, their impact and our moving forward. I also reminded myself that even with ‘readers’, this is one journal that is not for entertainment purposes only though as for that, perhaps the clock is ticking on that. It has been ticking ever since the SFC (whose son lost a close game to the big boys last night ) got me my laptop for Christmas last year. Along with getting the opportunity to be available to have her intersect seamlessly into my life again, coming out to Omaha to, and I am quoting my Mother here, ‘see the turtle take water’, the ex-list concept has been a success for me. I went in one way and have emerged on the other side better for my journey. Yes Suzy Q, there have been some dings and bumps along the way. But for me to be ‘cool with it’, is a high praise, and something positive to build from.

This Friday was the most typically autumn day I have experienced in Omaha. Yesterday I could here the sound of traffic hydroplaning over the sheen of precipitation that fell in the early morning; it stopped for most of the day and turned to a light snowfall in the late afternoon and evening. I chatted with Nebraska while the snow made its way down from the sky and we spoke about the housing development she had hoped I got in, one that was nearer to her house. I will admit, the surrounding community is quite ‘Ferndale-ish’ (though not to far from here is a ‘rainbow club’) and I would have enjoyed myself there. But if there is nothing different about me from any other incarnation of ‘Mark’, it is this. Other things may be nice (not ‘that’s nice’, like the cat in the adidas commercials… all he needs is some blackface and…) but I ALWAYS like what I have. Other than hating on Kobe Bryant, I don’t have the ‘hate on you’ or anything in me.


Nebraska also cautioned me about going out. The dreary days of fall makes people think about safety in general, and their thoughts also turns to those they think are a little vulnerable. I guess that number also includes me. Not that I mind or anything, but I don’t think of myself as shaky as all that. Sean Payton, the head coach of the New Orleans Saints football team, had a great speech to his team before the NFC Championship game last season. He told his players that they need to pressure, throttle and turn Minnesota Viking quarterback Brett Farve, who had come out of retirement to lead the Vikings, into ‘that old man who is afraid of the rain.’

Waking up is enough to do that for me. There are times where it takes me a while before I can get into ‘gear’, not that I lie in bed but not focused on what the day should hold out before me will contain. I did get out and accomplish the tasks I had set out for me, but it was interesting to start. First, living with vertigo is sort of a strange, almost for me, fun sideline to my condition. I can be sitting still and the sensation of being tilted seizes me. The episodes usually don’t last long, but then there are days where it is constant. One those days, even if they are bright and warm, whatever it is I have to do will be pushed off onto another day. I did not want to do that with both Nebraska’s warning and Coach Payton’s words fogging up my vision, and I ended up doing what I call ‘a there and back’ run. My drugstore is a mile or so down the street. One of the things that I have found is running and also, oddly to me, riding my bike, eases my vertigo. But I ran and got my ‘scripts and came back home, feeling much better and accomplished.

As good as Sean Payton’s words were, I like Dylan Thomas’ words a tad more… ‘Do not go gentle into this good night’. So, after next weekend, I will be able to concentrate more on the things that matter most to me.

DID YOU SEE ME, LIKE I SAW YOU


Tee Jay was the second person (the first being the Delta Girl) who I loved that took me up as I was, and made me feel 'special'. What happened between Delta and me was a disagreement on ‘the how’ we were going to get to where we were going. So when it came to Tee Jay, I thought I had shored up that particular character flaw; as important, I told her that I was going to either make things work with her or be single.

Okay, you can stop. You have heard that before if you have been around me long enough or have had enough friends (or you, yourself) of either sex who piqued by their frustration, swear off the opposite sex… only to be either complaining about, in thrall with, or remonstrative over that lack of good partners on the other side of the dance floor.

Now, I am not mad at anyone. There hasn’t been any ‘epic fail’ that made me reach the point where I was willing to swear off women, oh no. What happened was that I started to analyze ME and found that hey, maybe I really DON’T want to be in a relationship. What I wanted to pursue was not a partner but ‘the why to my how’. Tee Jay was truly a gift that I fumbled away without just cause. However I sized things up, even being at my most subjective, I could not put any blame on her. She was very supportive, understanding and nurturing. She improved every area of my life, including being a breath of fresh air in my sagging boxing career. Why did we break up?

If there has been one constant that accurately predicts troubles for a brother, it is whenever I have to interact with my family. The things that they can say about me and what I may mean to them, their impact on me and my life stands in utter contrast to each other, and fuels my anguish over walking my sister down the aisle.

I will never even THINK of forgetting how loathsome that my sisters really are, even when they decide to grace me pleasant memories of what I did for them. The twins, (for here on out, ‘sisters’ refers to them, and I haven’t spoken to Jan since our darling brother passed… and hadn’t spoken to her for some years prior) every then and again may post something on Face Book talking about ‘thanks for whatever’. I read their words and there is hollowness to them.


They liked my ex-wife who jumped me. They did not like Tee Jay who loved me, truly. But knowing all that, I still allowed them to infect that relationship and then…

NOW IT IS TIME FOR SOMETING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

IT’S HALLOWEEEN



Meh. Whatever. In fact, I think the case can be made for more spirituality on Halloween than on All Saint’s Day, because the latter was developed as a recruiting tool used to ultimately convert and supplant follower from the pagan beliefs at the time. Ees true, don’t shoot me, I am just a messenger!



BREAKING NEWS


Oh all right. I am a big guy. My sister changed her profile picture on Face Book to one of us, taken who knows how many years ago. I seem to swallow her up. SD, who has been undergoing chemo for growths found in her lymph nodes, is doing find and is almost finished with her first round of treatment. She says it looks like that it will get all of it, and that is a good thing. Tee Jay is on Face Book as well. I now know this because she sent word asking if I had a profile and could we be ‘friends’. Eh, I said yes. After all, I am IN Omaha now. Besides, she may well be off on some other stuff, doing some real cougar prowling.

But the REAL breaking news can be found in two developments. Which one should I lead with? Both have immediate and future impact on me and both of them while predictable and not that surprising, still are worth journaling about.


AGAIN, SAME AS IT EVER WAS…

My wife and I essentially eloped, though there weren’t too many that thought we would make it to the altar. I think about not having a ceremony and I do think that I would have enjoyed the pageantry of the ceremony, from small details like the invitation, to finding a good caterer, which I had if Tee Jay and I had been able to survive our broadside and not break up.

Because of my disconnection between my blood relatives and me, I never considered the impact of not having my family there at my ceremony. A standard ideal when entering a relationship with a person who has strong ties to there people has been, your family will be ‘my family’, meaning that I would mirror the kind of relationship that they would have with their family members. I also understand that is not what the daguerreotype is for getting married and there is more pomp in the average shotgun wedding than was in mine. I was cool with it and felt more for my ex, who missed out on the shindig that should provide the map for the direction of the ceremony and the lives of the couple at the center of the fuss. We had discussed and figured we could have a re-commit at the five year mark and try to put bells and whistles on that. The main thing of this is that I know how it is important to SOME people but unimportant to me. It is also how I knew that I would do anything that I could, including ‘zero out’ and leave hand to mouth, in order to go to Chicago to walk my youngest sister down her aisle.

Her sisters, not so much. They both bailed on her.


I told her that I did not want to hear excuses from them because I am ONLY concentrating on MY BEING THERE. The main reason that I did not want to hear their excuses, however valid that they may have been to them, is that there is NOTHING that would have kept me from filling my duty. My angst about going and participating in her wedding when I know the expense is going to put me behind the 8-ball, with trying to settle out her and no COLA increase for next year for Social Security Benefits, has to do with the internal conflict I am going through. My self-interest v. ‘duty and obligation’ is a fight that I wish that I did not have to have with people who are part of my so-called family.  I tend to advise people to act in their own intrests first, because I have yet to master that trick and see that as the difference between the 'things I need and what I recieve'.

Yup, Captain Stupendous and I are the ones who get called on when there is no one else left to call… after all, it gets left up to us, anyway.





LIVABILITY
In Saturday’s Omaha World-Herald is an article that spoke to the attraction that Omaha has for the desired demographic of college educated people, young people, seeking work and place to raise a family. This really is a nice town but I am still a long ways from being settled enough to make a comment on. I mentioned that there seems to be a level of tolerance, but you can find that in most college town and places that have diverse employment opportunities. One way that I think it is safe to say that I will give my best effort is that numerous hills (and a lot of them are SUPER steep) don’t seem to trouble me much at all. Rode up to Target and while Nebraska saw it as ‘far’ from my home (ooh, I am going to say that again… ‘From MY HOME!’), the store did not seem far to me at all. If it were summer… maybe I will get a chance to ride north on Dodge Street as far as I dare to go, just because.






Memorial Park, across from UN-O, has a draw on me that is not too different from the pull that the city itself has on me. Each time I strike out, I continue to confirm whatever it was that made me first think there would be a reason to come and live here. I will prolly ride out and do my running there and on the river walk adjacent to the Missouri River. Normally, I simply start running from where it is am living and figure out a route, and I will do that too. But it would be such a waste not to get out and go to some of the parks here… in fact, did I mention there is a nice park and trail across the street from me? Visually, the city certainly passes the ‘eye test’.

I think that Nebraska and I climbed our first plateau Saturday as well. We had a nice conversation and some of the misunderstandings we have been going through lately began to clear. We are not at a detente as I think we are at a period of rapproachment, with the air between us having more amicablity with each other than a forced relaxation of tensions. It is about creating our own environment, and our brunch was a clear step in that direction.

Thanks for all the comments I got about what amounts to an emerging profile of my ‘sexual personnae’ (even if I am not using the term correctly, I like it and YOU prolly should do more than look… so go and read the book!). There is still more for me to say on the topic, so it will be cropping up here and there in these webpages. Apologies in advance if some of the areas are more than what you would like to hear… I think that my posts will be like a ‘Red Shoes Diary’ script, only better and more realistically written!!

DAILY AFFIRMATION



Yesterday was spent trying to wish the Lions to victory and visiting with one of my compatriots from the gym where I began to box.  It was completely random and the series of events that led up to our chance encounter could have given rise to all kinds of mystical thoughts.  But I left that for him, since he is studying to be a minister.  We had a nice conversation, catching up on other boxers and the road that we have taken to get where we are today.  He wanted to know 'Why Omaha?' and I gave him an answer that was along the lines of 'because its there'.  I really didn't feel like pulling it together for the sake of our conversation, the editing and formatting so that 'why Omaha' does not seem so random.  Anywho, he is doing well, been working for the DPD for the past 18 years and is happily married.  He told me that he has been following my career and that made me blush a bit.  We may get together tomorrow, to watch one of his son's football practice.

I put lil' Jessica up because that was another thing discussed during our conversation, how the both of us were always joking around and having fun with being alive.  No, I did not tell him about my condition or my most recent state of mind, preferring to go with the idea of my having been a 'ray of sunshine' for most of my life, which is still a phrase that would be an accurate way describe me and my personality (though I have been a bit of a a-hole lately to Nebraska...).

SEE THE THREE, BE THE THREE

I don't have any suggestions for anyone as far as helping with Lovebabz challenge.  For me, whenever I am seeking change with pretty much anything, I begin with me.  Once you start to take the action that you want to see happen, I believe you discover what makes it so difficult to implement on a larger scale.  Being the change that you want to see is difficult enough, but once you start being this new person you will become a example to others and while you may not see it, the ripple you have created will go on an touch and effect others.  Daily affirmations like the one little Jessica is giving herself in the video acts as great example to the enthusiasm and commitment that one should make to themselves.

Part the conversation I had with my former gym mate, how person's influence extends to others without anything being done consciously.  He knows of my sibs and asked how they were.  When I told him about the twins and my darling brother, after offering his condolescences (both for mon frere et ma maman), he spoke of how inevitable that those two would end up doing what they did, given the attachment that we had to one another.  I shrugged my shoulders and started talking about Richard Pryor and stuff ('talking about Richard Pryor' is what I say I am doing when I am not going to speak at all on a subject or topic in a conversation), but it reaffirmed what I thought I was doing as a big brother for my sibs.

Hmm... not really a whole lot to say.  Other than a general good feeling, I don't have a heck of a whole lot going on.  Need to get up and get a bike wrench to take my pedals off and pack my bike.  Might put that off to tomorrow.  As long as I am packed by Saturday Night (btw, one of my biggest pro wins came in this town... on a Saturday night!!)

THOUGH MY AIM IS NOT TO DO IT...

SOMETIMES, YOU CAN'T HELP BUT PONDER THE COMPLEXITIES OF LIFE



When I posted the excerpt from 'Franny and Zooey', it was so that I could go into another direction about how it feels to be in a world where it seems there are so many people who are simply pawns on the board, moved only to be sacrifice. It is rare that one is fortunate enough to make it clear across the chess board to become a Queen (for some reason, I don't think it is a mistake that arguably the most powerful piece is called a Queen!!). Who knows, maybe I will get around to 'Franny' anyway, we will see.

Spoke to Nixxie about our daughter. Seems like KT has her own set of questions about how it came to pass that we got together and made her. According to KT, her Mom likes to laugh (ees tru... loves comedy and to 'pop snaps' whenever she can) and according to KT, I am humorless. Nixxie told her that I simply have a different sense of humor and if you wanted to get an idea of what you Dad finds funny, watch an episode of 'Beavis and Butthead' and there you go!

That KT has her own set of memories of her Dad to form these questions and make some of her own observations says to me that I am indeed a part of her life. Same goes for Lexxie and while her Mom and I have a more fragile kind of relationship, we get on well enough. It made me think about Skye when we hung up after thirty minutes of talking (which to me, is a nice bit of talking on the phone) someone who could easily fall into the category of 'the worst person in the world'. But we have managed to keep things civil enough for real, so two of my girls can have and maintain an affinity for their father. Skye's Mom is a contradiction... she was in semi-pursuit of a relationship for her oldest daughter and her Dad but she has done nothing but foul the relationship between our girl and me. It felt good to talk with Nixxie and hear how she talks with KT about me and 'us'. She gets to fill in stories that she may have had about 'what if' and since she is fairly well balanced, knowing that 'yes, I DID get that from my father', has to be a great benefit to her. Having something of her own to go along with the 'you didn't get that from me!' kinds of things that her Mom and peeps in Carolina say to give her grief ... up, starting to get dizzy 'cause I am chasing my tail!

Nebraska and I are going thru some choppy seas right now... mainly because of her nerves and my anxiousness. I don't have any idea of why SHE'D be nervous because she is already at home! I am the one isolating himself from everything he ever knew over dreams had after an afternoon of sniffin' glue at elementary school. What is it that has her so uptight about me and my relocation to Omaha?

COULD IT BE THAT IT IS NOW IMMINENT?

The Omaha Housing Agency called and they sent me a letter informing me that I have won tenancy in one of their units. Yay, team me!! I sent my 'hold' to them today and left a message which was returned fairly promptly. So I am excited about that. Hopefully I will be allowed to take residency on the 11th of October, which would be mega kung-fu cool.

Last May she kind of had a meltdown and the next thing you know, I was going in a totally different direction. That wasn't due to my being fickle, but because I was trying to hone in and play the hand that the unseen dealer of the cards had dealt me. I knew that a wild card or a darkhorse was going to appear and on cue, my SFC fell right in. Just as last week I spoke of taking a new direction with the content (and subsequent to that, my emotions) because I knew instead of feeling pissy and poorly, I needed to start preparing for my move. While I did not expect that my application would wind through the channels as quickly as it did, I figured that I had better get ready because that is how things go for me... I get my snaps, which is why...


Things that were among the last few additions to my 'philosophical oeuvre' mean a lot to me because I think they were the last thoughts that I could have the confidence that I once had of myself. I once heard a story about a lady who was nervous about getting married and she spoke to the priest who was going to officiate the cermony... I think I have mentioned this story before but since it is one of my faves, I will finish.

The priest told the young lady that he had married plenty of couples and that the brides who went ahead even though they had severe reservations about getting married, well, they tended to regret those decisions. As for the ones who were able to not get married and called it off... well, they did not regret their decision.

Now, the priest did not say that the would-be brides never got married or did not marry the one they were engaged to marry the first time. It is only that instead of allowing the pressure to marry overwhelm them and maybe make a terrible mistake, by going against their reservations.

I ran into this story AFTER I got married and felt akin to what that young lady was feeling ... and I was right about that and I shouldn't have married the girl I married.

The run up to traveling to Omaha felt just like the lonely ride down I-75 to Toledo... and I could not believe that I was going to repeat the same mistake!! The only way that I was able to let myself go, was to tell myself that I was coming back. And you know what..? I am glad that I did!!

...ON THE HORIZON

From the day that my sister asked me to walk her down the aisle, I had my reservations. I had guessed that I would be getting set to go to Omaha about this time and this is where things gets sticky for me and why it is going to be a difficult conversation to convince me to go.

I. Can't. Afford. It.

From the rented tux to travel and lodging, I don't have the cash to spare. Now I am able to squeeze some rocks and maybe have them drip money, but for why? To do for someone who absolutely, positively, when it counted, screwed me over? Really? You mean I should once again put off getting my life started to make something happen for a person who has already shown they would leave me stranded in the middle of the ocean??

I don't care that she or her twin sister doesn't see it that way. Forgive, yeah... they are forgiven. But forget..? I don't see how. In fact, if I had ran myself into the ground without either her or her twin's influence, so much the better. Unfortunately, that is simply not the case. She bleats the most inane things on her page... inane to me mainly because I still see in her words the same little girl who leaned on me and would eventually treat me as if I was Joey Getz going through the drive-thru.

From a 95% certainty down to a 60-65% chance of going. I will prolly know better when I am in Omaha and have unpacked a box or two.

IF YOU PROMISE THAT I DON'T HAVE TO MAKE SENSE...

...THEN I MAY HAVE SOMETHING TO WRITE DOWN!!

Am I the only one who have noticed that the ado over the Tea Bag's going to the Lincoln Memorial to do their rally strikes the same chord of sensitivities as the Islamic Community Center in New York? Sure you can make impassioned argument's over the differences or meanings but this much is clear. The parties that have stirred up the passions of people are protected by the constitution. For real. And that is that with that.

Besides, there are other things that the so-called civil right folks could be doing other things with their time, like going to the school district in Mississippi that is not allowing black children to be class president in its middle school. They can be other officers, simply not class president. I am guessing some wingnut there figured since that 'they've got a spook in the White House', we don't have to have them 'presidin'' over students in the class room.

It seems that the African American leadership could do a much better job at protecting our interests. Groups like the ADL doesn't let these kinds of slights slip pretty much anywhere in the world much less in the States. But going back to the discussion over the 'N-word', I think that as a group, we don't protect our own image. We arrived on these shores mainly as chattel, conditioned and treated in such a fashion that having pride in oneself was difficult, let alone as a victimized group.

That is where I think the so-called 'talented tenth' let the larger pool of African Americans down. Not 'let down' but succumbed to a force more powerful than their desire to improve the lot of those they left behind, the force of their own self interest in striving to assimilate and replicate the lifestyle and status they were denied.

Alveda King is high. She must be, either that or she is a huffer. Her interpretation of her Father's words and work suffer from disambiguation, the kind that marks a lot of posturing on the right and in conservative speech. Double speak. The irony of the movement to 'reclaim America' and almost any non-white participation is the America that Glen Beck and Sarah Palin would take back is an America where minorities were second class citizens. When Sen. Reid made that statement, I wonder if he meant it a broad statement, much in the way I would wonder why a woman would not vote for Hilary Clinton when she was running for President. Intellectually, you understand but on a emotional, more visceral level, it is harder to understand certain decisions.

THE. BEST. SONG. EVER

Perhaps I should make THIS song being played at any potential marriage celebration, mandatory. I have this version on a cd single as this is specific to this particular version of N.W.O. Plenty of Saturday nights were spent sitting in a dark room with the glow of a video game filled television casting light, listening to this one song on repeat in Carolina.

I would have a slight nod (similar to the one that began unconsciously when the song came on in the KMFDM music mix) and I would imagine that their was smoke swirling in clouds around me, the strands carrying the fragrance of marijuana and my more than like present bottle of Coke, some heavy, dark coloured alcoholic drink, and I would 'affect' the feel that I had from drinking, memories left over from the few times I got drunk in the service and in college.

Right now I would like to get a little 'lit', feel a buzz go through my body. I would not mind drinking alone, because I would feel less worried about over doing it and having someone 'effin' with me. People who think they 'know me' tend to get their panties in a bunch when they see me drinking, like they are suddenly charged with being my guardian or something. News flash: that position has been closed for some time now, thank you very much. What you CAN do is pass me another Heineken!!

It would not be good tonight, though. I am feeling lonely and the line between the sublime enjoyment of a 'cool amber beverage' and being a pathetic loner becomes seriously blurred.

Anywho, back to N.W.O and listening to it. This song never fails to get me juiced and I mean in an good way. Come on, am I the only person who picks up on the motivational qualities of this song?? You know, as much trouble as Al Jourgensen and the boys had with in their battles with substance abuse, I never had a problem with them as 'role models'. Prolly because there was no hypocrisy in their image and their music, unlike the rap/pop music that is the most effective hallucinogenic drug next to the television.

Sitting in a makeshift locker room, in some small club (honestly, the casinos were not that much different... only the ones in Vegas were) somewhere in Hooterville or Bumf*ck, places that were pretty much Anytown, USA, hosting a boxing card in some damp juke joint of a club or Knights of Columbus hall. I don't know how many times I have fought somewhere, amateur or pro, and not have a nice hot shower to step into, washing the sweat and fluids of the bout off. It would not make much difference to the ring bunnies anyway. Win or lose, you were pretty much a hero to everyone in the house, especially if you fought hard.

I have always fought hard.

THE MALICIOUS INTENT

A very real question in my mind is 'do I have it'? Most folks call it 'the killer instinct', and it is shown in many forms. People don't have to be outwardly ruthless to have it as much as they do what they know they have to do for them to reach their goal.

From telling someone that you can't hang out because you have to study to telling someone who is 'on third base' that they will have to be content with the 'stand up triple', that could be seen as 'ruthless' in that the pressure that is driving the dynamic of those situations blur and distort.

When I first spoke about not going to Chicago to be a part of my sister's wedding, that was the element that I wondered would capitulate and make me go. I think that in person I could make an impassioned defense of why I should not go, but as long as I am here, it would make things unnecessarily awkward. Took that right out of my hands. Nebraska, had already told me that I was going to go... would have been interesting to see how that shook out, as the rationale that I had for not going remains as valid as ever. Had I made the jump last month, then we may have our first falling out, in person, over the issue. I stil don't want to go.

It is a clear gain to sacrifice pleasure in order to avoid pain.
Arthur Schopenhauer

Artie is a smart cat... I will find out how smart in a couple of months.

WOMAN STUDIES

As much as I wrote on sexism and my approach to females, I still don't know if I was clear or not. Now that people stop by and read, I don't know if I should be writing 'term papers and reports' for my entries. After all, who really, really cares. People tell me that I am 'too serious' for them, and while I have reasons to disagree, maybe I am. Que sera... I never felt that I was 'serious' because I did not pursue my curiosities enough to justify that label.

The story that I mentioned a while ago about the young woman athelete who was told she could hope for the ability to graduate a junior college left an impression on me. I have told myself that a lot of my difficulty with cognition is due to 'my environment'. I feel that once I am in the right place and can stabilize that I will improve. I still fantsize of being like THE scholar of Metro College and earning scholarships and winning grants that could land me at super challenging public university or renowned liberal arts college... hey, if I am going to dream, may as well dream it all, right?

Many of my anxieties, my impatience is from my wanting to get started on being the person I want to be for the rest of my life. I think I am getting a better hold on my emotions and accepting things as they are.

A CONUNDRUM OF RESPONSIBILITY

A CONUNDRUM OF RESPONSIBILITY *

*cause I 'borrowed' that phrase!!

Juliette wrote what was to me, a very heartfelt post about personal responsibilities to the human community at large. I couldn’t really make a comment worth anything because I was feeling overwhelmed at the thought that someone from the overdog class of society spending the amount of time that she did thinking about how much more she is getting out of existence simply by occupying her station, not that she either deserves or doesn’t deserve the things that she has, but how it is uncomfortable because so many things were conferred upon her because of luck, essentially.

Pictures of her on from her entries show a beautiful young lady and from the few entries I read, extremely bright as well as thoughtful. I would definitely give her the ‘Brandy Award’ (as in, ‘Brandy, you’re a fine girl… what a good wife she would be…), with the caveat that she would not lose her hearts desire and true love to the love of the sea (or whatever pursuit that would claim him).

I am hesitant to use the words, “I remember”, because I can’t, in all honesty, pull quotes of people verbatim, or even things I have either said or told myself. What I do know is how I ‘felt’ and the meanings of those feelings are still clear to me. Associated with those feelings are the essence of words and of actions with there attendant consequences.

Maybe Juliette is caught up by the relative largess in her life. She knows that there is a lot of suffering in the world today and for much of it you don’t have to go far. The unimaginable is much closer than you think. A few weeks ago, the Freep did a short story about a case that involved ‘white slavery’. Seems a 30 – something and 50 – something pair of Macomb county working stiffs had an advert for a want of domestic cleaning. A lady answered and they decided to keep her against her will and you can about imagine the rest of it. That story brought to mind Jaycee Duggard and her case. There was a line from a story as the massacre in Rwanda begin in a Time magazine and it was a nun who was there when it all broke out between the Hutu and the Tutsi… it went along the lines or ‘there not being a demon left in Hell because they were all set loose here’, or something to that effect.

I don’t know how old I was, but it was a different time, because my Mother would hand me her book of food stamps and send me off to the store. This trip was to a neighborhood supermarket that was nearby, one of the kind that dot urban cities, often independent, overpriced, and stocked with plenty of second- and third tier produce. Armed with a small list to pick up the food that we needed to feed Mom, Jan and my darling baby brother, I was stopped by a woman holding an infant child.

Everybody longs for a time where there were fewer homeless on the streets and the social safety net didn’t seem to be stretched as thin as it is now. But has not each century if not generation, had times of economic and employment despair that it was people looking out for one another, not knowing if they would one day be on the other end of the equation, looking for a way to survive. That is what I saw when I was approached by this woman. Though I only had a few food stamps and I know that my Mother meant for me to bring back her change, I could not bear the thought of this woman and her infant child going without when I knew that we at least had a meal for that day.

What I gave her couldn’t have been much but it was what was left. I don’t recall being punished and I am sure that I didn’t get any licks for sharing what little we had because the moment has lasted as a lesson for my life. I have been past the area where I was that child realizing that there was only one sure way he could contribute to the improvement in the world, and that was by one random act of kindness at a time.

A lot of what is inside me is still against going to Chicago, but my conversation with Hutch went a long way to changing my mind. I thought that I didn’t care enough about the fallout and never speaking to my sisters’ again until I heard his perspective. And I still don’t completely agree with his opinion of my reasons for not wanting to go, I can clearly understand the significance of my sister asking me to walk her down the aisle.

First of all, I simply want to do it for me. For the better parts of a decade I caculate, my life has been that of a ‘poseur Dad’ in the relationships (with my ex-wife, Tee Jay and Mookie Dee) that I have been a part of and I am sure that I am nothing but an ‘Oliver’ storyline in the lives of the daughters. As to my own girls, realistically, the most that I dare to hope for is that I get an invitation to their event and a seat at the table. I’d hate for any of them to have forgotten me or think I am part of the completely extraneous, unnecessary matter in their lives.

‘A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush’. Despite my own personal feelings about my sister, OBVIOUSLY she shares none of the same kind of ‘less than good’ emotions that I have stocked in my library of memories about her and the rest of the gang. It feels good, as I said to him, to express what I feel deep down about my sisters and our relationships. But, of course, the hero business always has come down to me. I don’t want to take away from anyone’s narrative if it can be helped. So if my ex-wife needs to hate me, I do not feel that it is my place or in my power to change that feeling. Whatever she has constructed that allows her to live her life has made that dislike of me a integral part of her being able to live. So I let her.

Whatever it is that the twins think of me as a brother has inspired them to live the lives that they have led and they are undoubtedly the better for it. I know that the fiction they have told themselves about certain things is just that, a fiction, but what is past is past. Does not mean that all is forgiven but there has not been a petition for any, either. No one has asked for any because they do not feel it is necessary. There is no burden for them to have a need to beg forgiveness. Perhaps they are right.

But as Hutch and me talked about other things, a discussion about a person who has been a fixture in his life since I have been back in the area, he himself has created a storyline where he has ME alongside the other valued people in his life that were AGAINST his continuing the friendship with this person. In fact, there are still people close to him who have not changed their opinion of this person and feel that at some point in his life, this person who he himself thinks has sociopathic tendencies will bring some kind of ruin in his life.

But I know that I did not have anything negative to say to him about a relationship that I knew he wanted very badly. Being a lifelong bachelor and having all that room in his life, especially in his retirement from teaching, I felt that it was an adventure for him. He could again ‘live vicariously’ through this person and that his own sensing of what is good or bad for him would keep him, as well as his vast experience, from letting thing go spinning out of control.

When this particular topic thread came up and I heard the edge in his voice when he assigned to me ‘the world’ designation (as in, ‘it you and me against the world baby, the world), I sighed ever slightly. Let him have this part of his story. It is obviously more important that he believes what he believes than it is to me to correct something that I feel is inaccurate.

*sigh* Like my man Chi-Ali used to say… “man, I wish, I wish I was like Prince and getting’ all the honeys… but a brother like me is getting’ all the honeys ANYWAY… still, it would be nice!"

THE OPPORTUNITY KNOCKS

THE DREAD DESTROYER

Since there is a 'Thor' movie on tap for next year and he, along with the 'Sentinel of the Spaceways', Silver Surfer and 'the Champion of Darkness, the Avenging Angel of Light', Adam Warlock, constituted my favorite heroes during my span of comic book collecting, I have been looking for an excuse to make a post about this cat here. There are traits about the Destroyer that made him instantly admirable, starting with his role as a immutable force of nature.

A suit of armor that stands immobile unless inhabited by another life force, the suit has but one purpose when animated and that is to destroy whatever being it lays its eyes on. Once someone has became its focus, then nothing will stop the armor from pursuing and of course, destroying whatever it is after.

That is all that was to him. No sinister plan of world domination and no particular foe, though he faces the Thunder God exclusively. Wasn't interested in observing for a weakness because it didn't matter. He existed to do just ONE THING, and that was destroy whatever it was he saw.

One of my boxing robes that I still have from my childhood days has 'The Destroyer' sewn in script on the back. Whether I was that or not is open to question but I wanted something to define me in the way that name 'The Knockout King' defines Randal Bailey (it takes until 2:13 before you get the chance to see what the announcers are talking about in the video). Not only that, but I would like to have used the persona to alter my actual character so that I had what I don't have, a real killer instinct. He was, is and shall remain the closest personification of Nietzsche's and by association, mine, formula of happiness.

AND THAT IS THE CONFLICT

So I am sitting here thinking this out as I write because there is a competition of sorts going on in my mind. Another concept (once again, channelling my inner Mary Katherine Gallagher) that echoed from my tentative attempts to join in and be among the faithful in church, is when God (characterized by Morgan Freeman) speaks to Evan's wife (Lauren Graham). When she has doubts about what her husband is doing and is looking for a sign that he is doing what he is meant to be doing, she is told this:

Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, do you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If they pray for courage, does God give them courage, or does he give them opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for their family to be closer, you think God zaps them with warm, fuzzy feelings? Or does he give them opportunities to love each other?

Both concepts, from 'Evan' and from Freddie are what makes up most if not all, of my understanding on how to live. I don't ask that life is always 'straight'. In fact I don't believe in the doctrine of 'fairness'. How does one determine 'fairness', in a known universe of either imperfection or of one's unworthiness of the knowledge to know what is 'fair'? What I do like and believe in is the opportunity that we are given as human beings in the lottery of life. I am not a microbe nor a seagull on the Louisiana coast. Wasn't born into being a Christian in Ethiopia, an Arab Muslim in the Palestine or a Jew in 1930 Germany. When I tell you that I appreciate my life and my empathy extends to those who have made it out of horrible environments by any means necessary, I make more than a token effort in understanding that 'my blues ain't like theirs'.

THAT ANCIENT REPTILE INSIDE OF US ALL

Whenever I think of the inhuman things that we put other human beings through, I blame that part of the brain, the CPU, the static and poor reception that goes on in their amigdala, for causing people to warp. Example, there were two stories in today's paper, one about a Grandma gone in-freakin'-sane in Highland Park and another Mom who was found guilty of sexual molesting her teenage son. And please, I am not trying to foster any particular agenda, just that those were the stories that caught my eye. I see it first as man's inhumanity to man and would mark them as examples of that, first.

As an individual being, I do think that our first and highest priority is to the self. Yet in every collective of human social units, the self is the first thing that is devalued. This isn't something that I just came up with the other day but what has been the biggest fissure in my mind. What is wrong with trying to live in a bracketed by a pair of vertical lines and being valued as who you are and what you are?

Okay, okay. I get it, I really do. From studies of other social creatures and living beings, there is some purpose to connecting and maybe even the secret to the universe will be revealed in understanding how we all are supposed to live in harmony with every other living thing on Earth, perhaps the entire universe. Right now, I would be very content with understanding how to live among a few.

LIKE AND LOVE... THERE IS A DIFFERENCE, DONTCHA KNOW

I have found it hard to turn my back on anyone. That is a source of my current consternation, that I have to turn my back on my sister, the flesh of my flesh and blood of my blood variety. When it comes to relationships some folks think that you can love someone without actually liking them. I don't. If I can't like you then I can't ever love you. Took that out for a test run already in my life and when practiced that there theory, held a ton of water. But that is me.

Do I think that my sister's love me? By their definition, and the definition of prolly millions of others, they do. But not by mine.

Sometimes people are more loyal to those things and people that they say 'they like' than they are to things that they love. I also think they are that way with people, too. That is why in my 'Mark-ivellian' way, I would say that it is better to be liked than it is to be loved!

This could be my opportunity to do something that I meant to have done a quarter century ago.

UNSUCCESSFULLY TRYING TO THREAD THE NEEDLE

WHAT MAKES FOR THE IDEAS THAT ARE IN YOUR MIND?






Reading comics and science fiction as a kid, I ran across all sort of different ideas and thoughts that tugged my mind out of the trough where my many classmates, social peer groups and adults as far as I can tell, were hooked up into. In fact, the fantasy books, novels and comics(which is where I first ran across the use of the phrase, temporal displacement, as well as Samuel Delaney stories) that would suggest that there was a systematic mind control system which like the Matrix, we were all locked into and our fates were for the most part sealed, seemed to be far more real and probable than the other myths that men live by here on Earth. That is another conversation that again, may never be discussed, because I don't quite have the understanding that I would feel comfortable talking about because of the philosophical and moral issues that are attached.



Having said that, the current idea that it is okay to be ignorant and become a public leader and influence how society operates, is unnerving, but it is the tumult that is life. The meek that inheirit the Earth aren't necessarily required to put up the SAT scores for admission into anything. It is hard for people who think and form their own conclusion seperate from what is proffered them through media and certain institutions to watch society 'de-volve' into such backwards thinking, but I think that it cannot be helped. An article that I read confirms some of the unconnected threads for me and comes to the conclusion that man is destined to destroy society as we know it and as we can concievably see evolving. We are running out of the things that make up life on the only planet we know of its existence.



I have never thought that a 'nuclear holocaust' would absolutely eliminate mankind from this planet, just as resource depletion won't kill off everyone and everything either. But what I do think is that something that cataclysmic would force evolutionary changes in man as a species, just as we have impacted on the environments in our biosphere and forced changes on other species that live on Earth with us.



Survival of the fittest doesn't stop at the Serengenti.



Who was there at the world's beginning? Who will be there at its end?? Wouldn't it be something if there was a way to find an answer to those two questions? Anywho, I do think that man will have to evolve and become a 'new species' at some point in the future. There doesn't seem to be enough foresight to sustain life as it is currently configured and I doubt that man possess the ability to erase all life and the planet from existence. Something is going to go on, just don't have any idea of what it will be.



Somehow I think that unconsciously that we understand that. It is such a great unknowable thing, that out of fear, man is vunerable to those whose sociopathic narcissim (thanks Thomas!!) has him believing that he has a special bond with the creator and by default, all of creation! Leroy Jenkins! Is that not insane or what??

ALL THIS HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO YOU BY ZIGGY STARDUST

One of the links on a Mental Floss page took me here, a story on science fiction in the genre of concept albums in music. A great many of the albums I have already listened to, including the album that I consider the one that ended my association with urban and black radio, Rush's 2112, which really wasn't a concept album at all, but it was close enough of one for me! It continued an already curious mind to become even more curious about the world and the stuff in what is considered reality, but my interests was of a more psychological nature.

I had entertained at one time actually going thru with my cant to become a teacher when I hung out with my Delta Girl. Fate threw a wild card in my life and it would scuttle those plans. Something that I didn't mention when I was in reflection about the things that I didn't do, though I feel I have done most of what I'd like to try as a child, is teach. I would like to work and be involved in education. And with the changes being made in our system, I believe that someone needs to be around to explain what made Sen. McCarthy a pariah and that 'Title IX and Affirmative Action' had the unintended consequences of giving everyone a better chance to become a better human being.

The reason that remaining here would be a possiblity is that I am finally free of certain obligations with which I had burdened myself with. Sometimes I am giddy at the idea of years going by and my not having spoken to my family. As it stands I haven't heard my sister's Jan's voice in six years. Occasionally she pops up in my 'in' box, some crap mass email trash that everybody passes on without any personal content in it.

I feel good about that relationship. After I miss the wedding in November, I will prolly feel as light as a feather.

LETTING GO OF THE SHORE

Maybe my Dad and possibly Nebraska will get me to make an appearance. My sister did ask me to walk her down the aisle. Isn't that something that two people could have taken such a different opinion on the same relationship, the same upbringing?? I made for the service with the intent to never cross paths with my family, ever. And this was prior to some of the more f*cked up things that I went thru for the family.

The clip from the movie 'Friday Night Lights' where the coach talks about 'being perfect' to his players who were getting creamed by a bigger, tougher and maybe more talented team, was the definition that he gave. The perfection wasn't about winning or losing but about the relationships in your life with those closest to you. Perfection was measured by being able to tell those people, people who depended and expected of you, that you gave them all that you had to give.

Living in a moment where you can honestly tell someone that you did your level best ... and can then live in a moment with 'a clear mind and love in your heart', reminded me of when I use the phrase, 'I gave at the office'. Often I try to express that feeling with purposed skepticism and mean for it to have an element of disdainfulness, because telling someone that 'you owe me and your debt is epic', usually isn't going to be that well recieved.

BETCHA DIDN'T KNOW

This was intended to talk about the unstable mix of estrogen and teenage hormones that was recently on display here. It resembled the frustrated rutting of blind pigs and made me long for a hard liquor to wipe the images from my mind. I had thought I'd make an comment about feeling randy and all but the mood passed when I started writing about what I was actually thinking and not what I felt.

Perhaps I will get to talking about those feelings as they are connected to other things that are actually on my mind. May come out as those more fully formed thoughts continue to take shape.