Thursday, September 2, 2010

THOUGH MY AIM IS NOT TO DO IT...

SOMETIMES, YOU CAN'T HELP BUT PONDER THE COMPLEXITIES OF LIFE



When I posted the excerpt from 'Franny and Zooey', it was so that I could go into another direction about how it feels to be in a world where it seems there are so many people who are simply pawns on the board, moved only to be sacrifice. It is rare that one is fortunate enough to make it clear across the chess board to become a Queen (for some reason, I don't think it is a mistake that arguably the most powerful piece is called a Queen!!). Who knows, maybe I will get around to 'Franny' anyway, we will see.

Spoke to Nixxie about our daughter. Seems like KT has her own set of questions about how it came to pass that we got together and made her. According to KT, her Mom likes to laugh (ees tru... loves comedy and to 'pop snaps' whenever she can) and according to KT, I am humorless. Nixxie told her that I simply have a different sense of humor and if you wanted to get an idea of what you Dad finds funny, watch an episode of 'Beavis and Butthead' and there you go!

That KT has her own set of memories of her Dad to form these questions and make some of her own observations says to me that I am indeed a part of her life. Same goes for Lexxie and while her Mom and I have a more fragile kind of relationship, we get on well enough. It made me think about Skye when we hung up after thirty minutes of talking (which to me, is a nice bit of talking on the phone) someone who could easily fall into the category of 'the worst person in the world'. But we have managed to keep things civil enough for real, so two of my girls can have and maintain an affinity for their father. Skye's Mom is a contradiction... she was in semi-pursuit of a relationship for her oldest daughter and her Dad but she has done nothing but foul the relationship between our girl and me. It felt good to talk with Nixxie and hear how she talks with KT about me and 'us'. She gets to fill in stories that she may have had about 'what if' and since she is fairly well balanced, knowing that 'yes, I DID get that from my father', has to be a great benefit to her. Having something of her own to go along with the 'you didn't get that from me!' kinds of things that her Mom and peeps in Carolina say to give her grief ... up, starting to get dizzy 'cause I am chasing my tail!

Nebraska and I are going thru some choppy seas right now... mainly because of her nerves and my anxiousness. I don't have any idea of why SHE'D be nervous because she is already at home! I am the one isolating himself from everything he ever knew over dreams had after an afternoon of sniffin' glue at elementary school. What is it that has her so uptight about me and my relocation to Omaha?

COULD IT BE THAT IT IS NOW IMMINENT?

The Omaha Housing Agency called and they sent me a letter informing me that I have won tenancy in one of their units. Yay, team me!! I sent my 'hold' to them today and left a message which was returned fairly promptly. So I am excited about that. Hopefully I will be allowed to take residency on the 11th of October, which would be mega kung-fu cool.

Last May she kind of had a meltdown and the next thing you know, I was going in a totally different direction. That wasn't due to my being fickle, but because I was trying to hone in and play the hand that the unseen dealer of the cards had dealt me. I knew that a wild card or a darkhorse was going to appear and on cue, my SFC fell right in. Just as last week I spoke of taking a new direction with the content (and subsequent to that, my emotions) because I knew instead of feeling pissy and poorly, I needed to start preparing for my move. While I did not expect that my application would wind through the channels as quickly as it did, I figured that I had better get ready because that is how things go for me... I get my snaps, which is why...


Things that were among the last few additions to my 'philosophical oeuvre' mean a lot to me because I think they were the last thoughts that I could have the confidence that I once had of myself. I once heard a story about a lady who was nervous about getting married and she spoke to the priest who was going to officiate the cermony... I think I have mentioned this story before but since it is one of my faves, I will finish.

The priest told the young lady that he had married plenty of couples and that the brides who went ahead even though they had severe reservations about getting married, well, they tended to regret those decisions. As for the ones who were able to not get married and called it off... well, they did not regret their decision.

Now, the priest did not say that the would-be brides never got married or did not marry the one they were engaged to marry the first time. It is only that instead of allowing the pressure to marry overwhelm them and maybe make a terrible mistake, by going against their reservations.

I ran into this story AFTER I got married and felt akin to what that young lady was feeling ... and I was right about that and I shouldn't have married the girl I married.

The run up to traveling to Omaha felt just like the lonely ride down I-75 to Toledo... and I could not believe that I was going to repeat the same mistake!! The only way that I was able to let myself go, was to tell myself that I was coming back. And you know what..? I am glad that I did!!

...ON THE HORIZON

From the day that my sister asked me to walk her down the aisle, I had my reservations. I had guessed that I would be getting set to go to Omaha about this time and this is where things gets sticky for me and why it is going to be a difficult conversation to convince me to go.

I. Can't. Afford. It.

From the rented tux to travel and lodging, I don't have the cash to spare. Now I am able to squeeze some rocks and maybe have them drip money, but for why? To do for someone who absolutely, positively, when it counted, screwed me over? Really? You mean I should once again put off getting my life started to make something happen for a person who has already shown they would leave me stranded in the middle of the ocean??

I don't care that she or her twin sister doesn't see it that way. Forgive, yeah... they are forgiven. But forget..? I don't see how. In fact, if I had ran myself into the ground without either her or her twin's influence, so much the better. Unfortunately, that is simply not the case. She bleats the most inane things on her page... inane to me mainly because I still see in her words the same little girl who leaned on me and would eventually treat me as if I was Joey Getz going through the drive-thru.

From a 95% certainty down to a 60-65% chance of going. I will prolly know better when I am in Omaha and have unpacked a box or two.

7 comments:

Jonthy, Alice the uppity white cat's babysitter said...

Mark,
The most important thing in your blog is the interest KT has in her dad. Questions from children are important and need to be answered. As far as your trip to Omaha, I feel that you are not sure. Maybe in the same sense that you are not sure about attending your sister's wedding. As you point out in the priest wedding story and priest advice, don't ever be afraid to say no. People you love you will respect your decision. If they don't, then they don't really love you.

That corgi :) said...

I am amazed that you got approved for housing already, Mark! anywhere else and it seems like it could years on a waiting list

honestly, I think you need to go to Nebraska (the state) regardless of what your and Nebraska's(the person') relationship could be. You need to give yourself this "adventure". I honestly think you can make it on your own. will it be easy, no, but I think it will be a growing experience.

betty

Indigo said...

As long as I've known you, this move to Nebraska has been eminent. Go, take care of your life. Your sister is taking care of hers in her own way. Sometimes in life, you have to step up to the plate and put yourself first above all else. (Hugs)Indigo

LceeL said...

Man, don't even think about it. Don't give her the opportunity to take another whack at you - another chance to leave you out there. Your daughters deserve your time and attention - if your 'time and attention' are like money, then you need to spend it where you have the potential for the greatest return on your investment. You don't need to be throwing good money after bad.

Aurora said...

Glad that you got your tenancy and put it on the hold. Oct. 11th is soon and it will be nice to be settled.

Do NOT go to a wedding you can't afford for a sister you do not like UNLESS she offers to pay for all the expenses involved in full.

And if that is not offered as an option for you after you explain your situation to her, and her twin cannot understand the stress it would put you under and that it is better for you to not go, well, she wasn't in your corner supportively anyway.

Family are people who HEALTHILY love you.
Not people who manipulate or undermine you.
Sometimes we are better off cresting 'family' out of people we meet who over time we can respect and trust wholeheartedly, where we know there is mutual caring.

Jessica said...

Glad to hear of the housing approval.

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

Glad you have approval already. Do not worry about the wedding, if it is meant to be, it will work itself out. I agree about letting the twins know of your situation and finances, and see what they say or do about it.