Saturday, November 13, 2010

OF OLD MEN, GLOOMY DAYS, AND LONG WALKS IN THE RAIN

OF OLD MEN, GLOOMY DAYS, AND LONG WALKS IN THE RAIN


An actual content post today on as NPR of a Saturday as I have had in a very long time. I am trying to fight the tears in my eyes because I am feeling so good right now. Will have to give a report on some of the stories I have heard because I think I have found my motivation. In fact, I have found my motivation in a lot of things.


One spot that I have found a little motivation to finish out my series on what I have learned in my relationships over the last ten years or so was in this post here. Actually, there have been several journals that have spoken to the archeology of ex-this or that (which really were related in this case) in our lives, their impact and our moving forward. I also reminded myself that even with ‘readers’, this is one journal that is not for entertainment purposes only though as for that, perhaps the clock is ticking on that. It has been ticking ever since the SFC (whose son lost a close game to the big boys last night ) got me my laptop for Christmas last year. Along with getting the opportunity to be available to have her intersect seamlessly into my life again, coming out to Omaha to, and I am quoting my Mother here, ‘see the turtle take water’, the ex-list concept has been a success for me. I went in one way and have emerged on the other side better for my journey. Yes Suzy Q, there have been some dings and bumps along the way. But for me to be ‘cool with it’, is a high praise, and something positive to build from.

This Friday was the most typically autumn day I have experienced in Omaha. Yesterday I could here the sound of traffic hydroplaning over the sheen of precipitation that fell in the early morning; it stopped for most of the day and turned to a light snowfall in the late afternoon and evening. I chatted with Nebraska while the snow made its way down from the sky and we spoke about the housing development she had hoped I got in, one that was nearer to her house. I will admit, the surrounding community is quite ‘Ferndale-ish’ (though not to far from here is a ‘rainbow club’) and I would have enjoyed myself there. But if there is nothing different about me from any other incarnation of ‘Mark’, it is this. Other things may be nice (not ‘that’s nice’, like the cat in the adidas commercials… all he needs is some blackface and…) but I ALWAYS like what I have. Other than hating on Kobe Bryant, I don’t have the ‘hate on you’ or anything in me.


Nebraska also cautioned me about going out. The dreary days of fall makes people think about safety in general, and their thoughts also turns to those they think are a little vulnerable. I guess that number also includes me. Not that I mind or anything, but I don’t think of myself as shaky as all that. Sean Payton, the head coach of the New Orleans Saints football team, had a great speech to his team before the NFC Championship game last season. He told his players that they need to pressure, throttle and turn Minnesota Viking quarterback Brett Farve, who had come out of retirement to lead the Vikings, into ‘that old man who is afraid of the rain.’

Waking up is enough to do that for me. There are times where it takes me a while before I can get into ‘gear’, not that I lie in bed but not focused on what the day should hold out before me will contain. I did get out and accomplish the tasks I had set out for me, but it was interesting to start. First, living with vertigo is sort of a strange, almost for me, fun sideline to my condition. I can be sitting still and the sensation of being tilted seizes me. The episodes usually don’t last long, but then there are days where it is constant. One those days, even if they are bright and warm, whatever it is I have to do will be pushed off onto another day. I did not want to do that with both Nebraska’s warning and Coach Payton’s words fogging up my vision, and I ended up doing what I call ‘a there and back’ run. My drugstore is a mile or so down the street. One of the things that I have found is running and also, oddly to me, riding my bike, eases my vertigo. But I ran and got my ‘scripts and came back home, feeling much better and accomplished.

As good as Sean Payton’s words were, I like Dylan Thomas’ words a tad more… ‘Do not go gentle into this good night’. So, after next weekend, I will be able to concentrate more on the things that matter most to me.

DID YOU SEE ME, LIKE I SAW YOU


Tee Jay was the second person (the first being the Delta Girl) who I loved that took me up as I was, and made me feel 'special'. What happened between Delta and me was a disagreement on ‘the how’ we were going to get to where we were going. So when it came to Tee Jay, I thought I had shored up that particular character flaw; as important, I told her that I was going to either make things work with her or be single.

Okay, you can stop. You have heard that before if you have been around me long enough or have had enough friends (or you, yourself) of either sex who piqued by their frustration, swear off the opposite sex… only to be either complaining about, in thrall with, or remonstrative over that lack of good partners on the other side of the dance floor.

Now, I am not mad at anyone. There hasn’t been any ‘epic fail’ that made me reach the point where I was willing to swear off women, oh no. What happened was that I started to analyze ME and found that hey, maybe I really DON’T want to be in a relationship. What I wanted to pursue was not a partner but ‘the why to my how’. Tee Jay was truly a gift that I fumbled away without just cause. However I sized things up, even being at my most subjective, I could not put any blame on her. She was very supportive, understanding and nurturing. She improved every area of my life, including being a breath of fresh air in my sagging boxing career. Why did we break up?

If there has been one constant that accurately predicts troubles for a brother, it is whenever I have to interact with my family. The things that they can say about me and what I may mean to them, their impact on me and my life stands in utter contrast to each other, and fuels my anguish over walking my sister down the aisle.

I will never even THINK of forgetting how loathsome that my sisters really are, even when they decide to grace me pleasant memories of what I did for them. The twins, (for here on out, ‘sisters’ refers to them, and I haven’t spoken to Jan since our darling brother passed… and hadn’t spoken to her for some years prior) every then and again may post something on Face Book talking about ‘thanks for whatever’. I read their words and there is hollowness to them.


They liked my ex-wife who jumped me. They did not like Tee Jay who loved me, truly. But knowing all that, I still allowed them to infect that relationship and then…

9 comments:

Annie said...

Good Saturday morning to you, Mark.

Glad that you have found your motivation! This is always a good feeling:)

Vertigo sucks, I can understand Nebraska's words of caution coming from a place of caring.

If running and riding your bike helps alleviate it then just ask yoiur angels to guide your safely from 'here' to 'there', and proceed with a useful clear awareness of your surroundings on your way:)

You allowed those family members to infect your relationship. Please stop beating yourself up though.

Sometimes we 'slip', we hope for the best in people who aren't interested or willing to do anything but be unkind or dishonest or shallow or whatever.

The important thing to come out of it is that you wont do that again.

You won't hope someone will be other than who they are, and you won't expect them to be who they ought to be in your eyes. Instead, you'll be clear, and then you'll be free.

The change in YOU is what matters, that that painful lesson was/is well learned and will not have to be repeated.

((cyber-hugs))

Jonthy, Alice the uppity white cat's babysitter said...

Mark, my favorite Dylan Thomas poem.

"Rage, rage against the dying of the light"

I hope to do just that as I get older. Sounds like you will too.

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

Yesterday I could hear the sound of traffic hydroplaning over the sheen of precipitation that fell in the early morning;

I think this is a brilliant sentence.

Glad you are loving your experience.

That corgi :) said...

wow snow already!! but I guess it is November (and it was 75 degrees here today :)

I am glad you are finding your motivation, Mark! And I also think you are feeling "better", it comes out in your writing!! I'm thinking so far all is going good where you are at!!

But like Nebraska said, do be careful!!

betty

Mizrepresent said...

Hey Mark, well isn't motivation a wonderful thing. I've only had vertigo once, when i had a sinus infection, not a good thing at all. I liked reading about you and TeeJay, i think i've played that role a time or two in mens lives and wondered why it didn't work out, perhaps because it wasn't meant to be...i'm more open now about relationships, but i still like learning about why others didn't work. Thanks for sharing.

Cathy said...

"...but rage against the dying of the light!" Ah yes, nice to read you again Mark. I tried signing with that Feedit thing but it said my name was already taken - YEAH BY MEEE! LOL!! I'm on FB, we've talked, I'm the one making those political comments. I recognized your name awhile ago but haven't been on this blog in ages except once (omg!) So: If I don't see you here as much, the Facebook bug has a hold - come visit.
Cathy Rapicano

Toon said...

This is the only place I feel safe saying: "Way to go, Broncos!"

FrankandMary said...

Now, I am not mad at anyone~you wrote.
You don't seem to spend a lot of time being angry...which is a beautiful thing. ~Mary

Sarcastic Bastard said...

This is interesting stuff, Mark.

Our weather is chill, gray, and rainy here in Ohio today. It makes me want to take a big, long nap.

Hope all is good,

SB