Showing posts with label 100 Day Challenge. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 100 Day Challenge. Show all posts
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Untitled
Now I get to experience the release from the confines fromf most the personal complications of my life. Not that they are all excised, after all that is an ideal that is realized by only a few human beings. Certainly, I am confident that I can walk without much of the dead weight that I was dragging behind me.
I have spent most of this week mentally recharging from my trip to Chicago. Most likely I will post the kind of routine that I have been doing this week and will resume for the month of December later on my other blog. Though I have not been going down the street to the gym, I do stuff around the house there are enough body weight routines that will help you get and stay fit as a fiddle.
A kind reader was thoughtful enough to send a welcomed donation via USPS. But it was swallowed up by a ‘wormhole’ and I do not know what I did with it. It is unlikely that it disappeared as I went to the bank but I do not have any idea of where I misplaced the gift of charity. Also, there was a story circulating about former NFL quarterback Jim McMahon and his problems with short-term memory. While sad and quite possibly inevitable in my future, I like his outlook as he spoke of how he may forget his friends but when he see them again, they become one of his many ‘new’ friends!!
So, it was when the abyss opened, I was able to look away because I figured Jim feels with the life he lived, he was good with things. He counted all the things he did whole and obviously is at peace with the consequences of his career choice. Long-time readers know that I am completely at peace with my life, good, the bad, and even the ugly that took place. If ‘this’ is it, then it is what it is (see how grave that phrase is?) and I am cool with that.
Each morning I wake up and look to southeast out of my living area windows to see the sun rising. The light comes through the branches of trees overlooking a wonderful park and I am like, for a pro--, er, housing development, this building has a fantastic view. I am confident that this place has its share drama. The neighborhood is pretty familiar with the recognizable sounds of the klaxon lights and siren of police cars. The store across the street doesn’t want folks with baggy hoodies and knit caps with face masks to come in, but I good with that. It doesn’t scare me none. I still believe that life is what you make it, tough neighborhood to start or no, I still intend to make something of me and my life.
AND I’LL COME ‘ROUND
I do get a little nervy thinking that I could choke on a piece of food and won’t be noticed here until I smell. To that end, I make sure that I text Nebraska and the SFC at least once a day because if more than two days go by without either of them hearing from me, then something is up.
Also, I have begun to post on Face Book. Yes, boys and girls, I am enlisting the help of the internet community to at the very least be on alert for my well being. I don’t intend on making acquaintances in the building for any reason. I am noticeable enough as I carry my bike outside daily for people around here to wonder where I have gone if I disappear, and a conversation I overheard on the Community Center in NYC near Ground Zero confirmed my suspicions. I would have been on the wrong side of that conversation but the right side ethically. But trying to convince either of those gentlemen of their errant ways would have only served to make me stand out in a way that I did not care for. If what I suspect about my condition is correct, then the associations with my fellow tenants and utilizing my brain computers disk space is more than I can afford. As it is, ‘wormholes’ (which is a VERY apt description for what is going on with my ‘up there’ in my head) open without any direct prompting. So why should I even try to create room for people that have no reason to be a part of my life? There is just enough space available for those who are in my life.
And now I am brought to Nebraska and me. As I sought to built upon the whys and wherefores of previous relationships, I setting up for those who have invested themselves (both figuratively and financially) in my getting off to a good start here, the reasons for my not being as pressed to get back into one again. Having experience and having experiences is not necessarily an indication of wisdom, no more than having intelligence and knowledge are. As I walked up to Tee Jay in my review, I wanted to show that getting little of what I hope out of a partner (in my marriage), and getting most of what I wanted in a relationship (Delta Girl), did not prepare me for getting all that I could have wanted at the time in a partner (Tee Jay).
See, after I clearly lost Tee Jay, I began to think that maybe that I was not going make a good partnership with someone. I was good with that but I think I made a mistake by sharing this thought with a one-time co-worker, and they pushed me into being open to the idea of finding a partner. Though I did not want to get into a new life to possibly fail, I did think there was validity in checking back for love that I left on the table, primarily, with Tee Jay. So I did my tour of former partners and was left unmoved from the position that I don't think it is going to happen and I have spent nearly all of my opportunities to be in a relationship.
Nebraska has created an account in good standing with me, both times revolving around Chicago and my sister. I don’t know what that means and as far as interpreting things, that is something that is like interpreting people and whether or not I should enter into a conversation that will lead to by extension, a friendship. The one of the ways for the possiblity of complications in my life to ask for it by trying to merge my life with someone elses.
I know some folks may have thought that I came here to fall in love with her and go off into the meadows of love as happy as can be. Though I won’t say that I don’t HOPE for that to develop between us, it is not the end-all-be-all that it may have seemed to readers. She said ‘we’d be good friends’, and that is good enough for me.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
GIVING A COUPLE OF BROTHERS A BREAK
MIKE AND RICK
Watching his interview with Pam Oliver last Sunday with Pam Oliver, Michael Vick changed my mind about him as a person. He had to sit in jail for three years... last night I had a conversation with a cat about a recent stint in the pokey for the weekend. I topped his story with my summer vacay where I spent 3 weeks as the guest of Guilford County on a mistaken identity (too long, you say? matter of course, say the member of a marginalized segement of society) issue.
I watched the edited interview on the pre-game show and just watched the long version of the interview (so I could post it here) and the humility and maturity can be heard in the timbre of his voice. His words are well chosen and he seems to have come to grips with knowing that people won't be able to forgive him and I like that he won't let that keep him from being a part of the solution as well as working to show he is a changed person.
He straight up claims his earlier arrogance as a player with the Atlanta Falcons and expresses regret for not giving the best Michael Vick he could be. Also, the way he holds his head and the look on his face makes me think if he isn't sincere today, he was on the day of his interview.
"Make the most of it. And.. I can't look back. It's all positive from here... I only envision myself doing goo things, that's all I can see." -Michael Vick (or thereabouts!)
Not that I am going to go all Carl Lightman on you with Vick, but I think that I had (and prolly will have to) put forward the same kind of personage as Mike does in this interview, as he more than likely have to do on occasion if not for the rest of his life. The one where I am humble and sincere about being repentant... as well as actually BEING these things. Like I said, my thing with Mike Vick was that I didn't like his style. Since he has grown as a person, he style has grown as well, who knows?
The few times I have watched Rick Sanchez, I had thought that he 'Peter Principled' his way to his anchor chair and finally reached his end with his rant about one of, if not the, biggest thorn in his side, Jon Stewart. Now, before anyone gets to eye-rolling about this, one of the things about being a minority in this country or anywhere for that matter, is lack of access and socio-political power. I wonder how many times when people see the numbers on poverty, do they ever think of the number of Jews that may be among those numbers? The unemployed?? I could go on, but I think you get the message. If anything, that community is seen as everyone's go-to for all things professional with a secondary degree. In short, there is a resentment among even others on the margins of Jewish people. I am not agreeing with him in no way shape or form, but having read his apology and the statement by his wife, I am saying that I understand why that may have escaped him.
For me, I saw it in the context of my fractured relationships with my sisters... and how you can DEFINITELY catch me at a time where a word or a memory would bring a sudden tirade about all things foul about women. Meanwhile, the listner would be like WTF? Perhaps I was tired or found out someone ate my last Astoria cookie. I don't know, but that part I definitely got. Do I still think that he achieved beyond his level, like some of the tea bag women of note? Sure do! But all I am doing with him is saying that I understand his frustration. No matter how hard you rock, the girls all flock to Jon Bon Jovi!! Rick was prolly worn down by the fact his ratings were slipping, other cats were better than he was, and a competitor was killing him with his jokes and in the ratings. So a gear slipped and he was on national air when it did.
WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH LOVEBABZ CHALLENGE?
When I get to think outside of the box of my life, I don't know a personally better sign of my emotional stability and mental health. Last night on Facebook I made a couple of statements in an aside conversation to a post about 'rational agents' and such. Back in the AOL Journal days, whenever I would give a long dissertation in my comment (a.k.a, 'therapy through commenting), it would be because I could make connections in my mind to other thoughts and access areas of knowledge that I had not used because there was really no need for me to think about those things. Last night was, though, and I really enjoyed having the lights come on and the CPU whirring. I left a last comment, but the cat had prolly gone to bed, which was good for me. I don't know how many more were in my mental 'clip', and may have shot what I had on me!
So for me, along with my last post, were signs that I am feeling good and looking towards my future. And it is right upon us, is it not? Dag!!
Watching his interview with Pam Oliver last Sunday with Pam Oliver, Michael Vick changed my mind about him as a person. He had to sit in jail for three years... last night I had a conversation with a cat about a recent stint in the pokey for the weekend. I topped his story with my summer vacay where I spent 3 weeks as the guest of Guilford County on a mistaken identity (too long, you say? matter of course, say the member of a marginalized segement of society) issue.
I watched the edited interview on the pre-game show and just watched the long version of the interview (so I could post it here) and the humility and maturity can be heard in the timbre of his voice. His words are well chosen and he seems to have come to grips with knowing that people won't be able to forgive him and I like that he won't let that keep him from being a part of the solution as well as working to show he is a changed person.
He straight up claims his earlier arrogance as a player with the Atlanta Falcons and expresses regret for not giving the best Michael Vick he could be. Also, the way he holds his head and the look on his face makes me think if he isn't sincere today, he was on the day of his interview.
"Make the most of it. And.. I can't look back. It's all positive from here... I only envision myself doing goo things, that's all I can see." -Michael Vick (or thereabouts!)
Not that I am going to go all Carl Lightman on you with Vick, but I think that I had (and prolly will have to) put forward the same kind of personage as Mike does in this interview, as he more than likely have to do on occasion if not for the rest of his life. The one where I am humble and sincere about being repentant... as well as actually BEING these things. Like I said, my thing with Mike Vick was that I didn't like his style. Since he has grown as a person, he style has grown as well, who knows?
The few times I have watched Rick Sanchez, I had thought that he 'Peter Principled' his way to his anchor chair and finally reached his end with his rant about one of, if not the, biggest thorn in his side, Jon Stewart. Now, before anyone gets to eye-rolling about this, one of the things about being a minority in this country or anywhere for that matter, is lack of access and socio-political power. I wonder how many times when people see the numbers on poverty, do they ever think of the number of Jews that may be among those numbers? The unemployed?? I could go on, but I think you get the message. If anything, that community is seen as everyone's go-to for all things professional with a secondary degree. In short, there is a resentment among even others on the margins of Jewish people. I am not agreeing with him in no way shape or form, but having read his apology and the statement by his wife, I am saying that I understand why that may have escaped him.
For me, I saw it in the context of my fractured relationships with my sisters... and how you can DEFINITELY catch me at a time where a word or a memory would bring a sudden tirade about all things foul about women. Meanwhile, the listner would be like WTF? Perhaps I was tired or found out someone ate my last Astoria cookie. I don't know, but that part I definitely got. Do I still think that he achieved beyond his level, like some of the tea bag women of note? Sure do! But all I am doing with him is saying that I understand his frustration. No matter how hard you rock, the girls all flock to Jon Bon Jovi!! Rick was prolly worn down by the fact his ratings were slipping, other cats were better than he was, and a competitor was killing him with his jokes and in the ratings. So a gear slipped and he was on national air when it did.
WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH LOVEBABZ CHALLENGE?
When I get to think outside of the box of my life, I don't know a personally better sign of my emotional stability and mental health. Last night on Facebook I made a couple of statements in an aside conversation to a post about 'rational agents' and such. Back in the AOL Journal days, whenever I would give a long dissertation in my comment (a.k.a, 'therapy through commenting), it would be because I could make connections in my mind to other thoughts and access areas of knowledge that I had not used because there was really no need for me to think about those things. Last night was, though, and I really enjoyed having the lights come on and the CPU whirring. I left a last comment, but the cat had prolly gone to bed, which was good for me. I don't know how many more were in my mental 'clip', and may have shot what I had on me!
So for me, along with my last post, were signs that I am feeling good and looking towards my future. And it is right upon us, is it not? Dag!!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
VOTE FOR KIMMIE!!
No, she isn't the Fly Skimmie, but another 'Kimmie', Kimmiepooh has a blog that I read, KP Fusion. She is part of the Mutual of Omaha 'Aha' moment campaign and she needs your vote to help her win!! Click HERE to go see her talk about her moment and vote!!
AN 'AW, ISN'T THAT SWEET' EDITION OF READERS ALWAYS WRITE!!
Laurenne left a comment on my 'Saturday Musings' post, where I talked about one of the feeders of my last 'shake' being the Jill who flirted with me at the fitness center and my annoucing I was going to take part in challenge to feel and think positive thoughts for the next 3 1/2 months:
i love this challenge! And I think so many others (almost everybody!) needs to do the same when it comes to being a pushover.
You shouldn't do anything in life that you don't want to do.
Easy to say!
Also, I can't believe nobody's flirted with you! Don't believe it at all. My mom saw your comments on my blog and said you were (in her words) a hunk! ha! Moms.
Aw, isn't that sweet! I am actually fine with no one flirting with me... and I am also cool with not meeting people for right now. Part of the confustration that I felt in talking about Exercise Jill, is that I am going to have to adjust to really being alone soon. The simple things that I have enjoyed doing are things that did not require another person's company, such as going to Applebee's and gorging out on their $20 bucks for 2 entree's deal. I like the idea that I can hold that out as a 'carrot' at the end of a good week or keeping all my appointments and training dates.
Sometimes I do think about how cool it would be to have company... go to a movie or go for a walk in the crispness of the early fall... and how fun it would be to look forward to spring and pinic lunches (I can deal, but I don't like the winter... if I don't have to go outside for those three months, I think I won't!!) with a person who had the potential to be someone special to me... but I have had plenty of tries at that and that isn't a fail I am particularly looking forward to rediscover.
For instance, I think Nebraska and me will always have issues with understanding one another. That is cool between friends because there is no big problem when someone stomps off mad... even best friends have to take a break from one another. But when you mix in the relationship part and the supposed added intimacy of being boyfriend and girlfriend...
Yeah, maybe there were other women than Jill whose attention I may have attracted and unknowingly ignored or knowingly dismissed. But as I hope to rediscover during the next 3 1/2 months of this challenge, is how much I do really like myself and my own company.
No, she isn't the Fly Skimmie, but another 'Kimmie', Kimmiepooh has a blog that I read, KP Fusion. She is part of the Mutual of Omaha 'Aha' moment campaign and she needs your vote to help her win!! Click HERE to go see her talk about her moment and vote!!
AN 'AW, ISN'T THAT SWEET' EDITION OF READERS ALWAYS WRITE!!
Laurenne left a comment on my 'Saturday Musings' post, where I talked about one of the feeders of my last 'shake' being the Jill who flirted with me at the fitness center and my annoucing I was going to take part in challenge to feel and think positive thoughts for the next 3 1/2 months:
i love this challenge! And I think so many others (almost everybody!) needs to do the same when it comes to being a pushover.
You shouldn't do anything in life that you don't want to do.
Easy to say!
Also, I can't believe nobody's flirted with you! Don't believe it at all. My mom saw your comments on my blog and said you were (in her words) a hunk! ha! Moms.
Aw, isn't that sweet! I am actually fine with no one flirting with me... and I am also cool with not meeting people for right now. Part of the confustration that I felt in talking about Exercise Jill, is that I am going to have to adjust to really being alone soon. The simple things that I have enjoyed doing are things that did not require another person's company, such as going to Applebee's and gorging out on their $20 bucks for 2 entree's deal. I like the idea that I can hold that out as a 'carrot' at the end of a good week or keeping all my appointments and training dates.
Sometimes I do think about how cool it would be to have company... go to a movie or go for a walk in the crispness of the early fall... and how fun it would be to look forward to spring and pinic lunches (I can deal, but I don't like the winter... if I don't have to go outside for those three months, I think I won't!!) with a person who had the potential to be someone special to me... but I have had plenty of tries at that and that isn't a fail I am particularly looking forward to rediscover.
For instance, I think Nebraska and me will always have issues with understanding one another. That is cool between friends because there is no big problem when someone stomps off mad... even best friends have to take a break from one another. But when you mix in the relationship part and the supposed added intimacy of being boyfriend and girlfriend...
Yeah, maybe there were other women than Jill whose attention I may have attracted and unknowingly ignored or knowingly dismissed. But as I hope to rediscover during the next 3 1/2 months of this challenge, is how much I do really like myself and my own company.
Monday, October 4, 2010
DAILY AFFIRMATION
Yesterday was spent trying to wish the Lions to victory and visiting with one of my compatriots from the gym where I began to box. It was completely random and the series of events that led up to our chance encounter could have given rise to all kinds of mystical thoughts. But I left that for him, since he is studying to be a minister. We had a nice conversation, catching up on other boxers and the road that we have taken to get where we are today. He wanted to know 'Why Omaha?' and I gave him an answer that was along the lines of 'because its there'. I really didn't feel like pulling it together for the sake of our conversation, the editing and formatting so that 'why Omaha' does not seem so random. Anywho, he is doing well, been working for the DPD for the past 18 years and is happily married. He told me that he has been following my career and that made me blush a bit. We may get together tomorrow, to watch one of his son's football practice.
I put lil' Jessica up because that was another thing discussed during our conversation, how the both of us were always joking around and having fun with being alive. No, I did not tell him about my condition or my most recent state of mind, preferring to go with the idea of my having been a 'ray of sunshine' for most of my life, which is still a phrase that would be an accurate way describe me and my personality (though I have been a bit of a a-hole lately to Nebraska...).
SEE THE THREE, BE THE THREE
I don't have any suggestions for anyone as far as helping with Lovebabz challenge. For me, whenever I am seeking change with pretty much anything, I begin with me. Once you start to take the action that you want to see happen, I believe you discover what makes it so difficult to implement on a larger scale. Being the change that you want to see is difficult enough, but once you start being this new person you will become a example to others and while you may not see it, the ripple you have created will go on an touch and effect others. Daily affirmations like the one little Jessica is giving herself in the video acts as great example to the enthusiasm and commitment that one should make to themselves.
Part the conversation I had with my former gym mate, how person's influence extends to others without anything being done consciously. He knows of my sibs and asked how they were. When I told him about the twins and my darling brother, after offering his condolescences (both for mon frere et ma maman), he spoke of how inevitable that those two would end up doing what they did, given the attachment that we had to one another. I shrugged my shoulders and started talking about Richard Pryor and stuff ('talking about Richard Pryor' is what I say I am doing when I am not going to speak at all on a subject or topic in a conversation), but it reaffirmed what I thought I was doing as a big brother for my sibs.
Hmm... not really a whole lot to say. Other than a general good feeling, I don't have a heck of a whole lot going on. Need to get up and get a bike wrench to take my pedals off and pack my bike. Might put that off to tomorrow. As long as I am packed by Saturday Night (btw, one of my biggest pro wins came in this town... on a Saturday night!!)
Yesterday was spent trying to wish the Lions to victory and visiting with one of my compatriots from the gym where I began to box. It was completely random and the series of events that led up to our chance encounter could have given rise to all kinds of mystical thoughts. But I left that for him, since he is studying to be a minister. We had a nice conversation, catching up on other boxers and the road that we have taken to get where we are today. He wanted to know 'Why Omaha?' and I gave him an answer that was along the lines of 'because its there'. I really didn't feel like pulling it together for the sake of our conversation, the editing and formatting so that 'why Omaha' does not seem so random. Anywho, he is doing well, been working for the DPD for the past 18 years and is happily married. He told me that he has been following my career and that made me blush a bit. We may get together tomorrow, to watch one of his son's football practice.
I put lil' Jessica up because that was another thing discussed during our conversation, how the both of us were always joking around and having fun with being alive. No, I did not tell him about my condition or my most recent state of mind, preferring to go with the idea of my having been a 'ray of sunshine' for most of my life, which is still a phrase that would be an accurate way describe me and my personality (though I have been a bit of a a-hole lately to Nebraska...).
SEE THE THREE, BE THE THREE
I don't have any suggestions for anyone as far as helping with Lovebabz challenge. For me, whenever I am seeking change with pretty much anything, I begin with me. Once you start to take the action that you want to see happen, I believe you discover what makes it so difficult to implement on a larger scale. Being the change that you want to see is difficult enough, but once you start being this new person you will become a example to others and while you may not see it, the ripple you have created will go on an touch and effect others. Daily affirmations like the one little Jessica is giving herself in the video acts as great example to the enthusiasm and commitment that one should make to themselves.
Part the conversation I had with my former gym mate, how person's influence extends to others without anything being done consciously. He knows of my sibs and asked how they were. When I told him about the twins and my darling brother, after offering his condolescences (both for mon frere et ma maman), he spoke of how inevitable that those two would end up doing what they did, given the attachment that we had to one another. I shrugged my shoulders and started talking about Richard Pryor and stuff ('talking about Richard Pryor' is what I say I am doing when I am not going to speak at all on a subject or topic in a conversation), but it reaffirmed what I thought I was doing as a big brother for my sibs.
Hmm... not really a whole lot to say. Other than a general good feeling, I don't have a heck of a whole lot going on. Need to get up and get a bike wrench to take my pedals off and pack my bike. Might put that off to tomorrow. As long as I am packed by Saturday Night (btw, one of my biggest pro wins came in this town... on a Saturday night!!)
Saturday, October 2, 2010
SATURDAY MUSINGS
I have seen people blog about different ‘challenges’ and this is the first one that I decided to participate in. I have been reading Lovebabz’s blog for a little bit and I think she is a cool, cool sister. Reading her recognition of what currently ‘is’ and why it has to change, made me think about how I feel if one is serious about change in there life, how to go about that change is to take the first step.
Always, the first step begins with the most mundane, overlooked of tasks. She describes her room and how it needs to be something more than it is right now, and how beneath all of the clutter, there is the potential for it to be what she wants and needs her room to be.
So I am glad that my little ‘fit’ happened the day before and I don’t feel self-conscious in taking her up on this challenge. What I would like to add to readers and those who have made a commitment (to themselves, if not to me) to follow along with me on my journey, that over the next three-and a-half months, you do allow me some ‘creative license’ in my entries here. There is something about the difficulties of life and how you deal with them that makes the triumph so much sweeter. Reading about Lisbeth Salander and how she has played the hand she was dealt, has earned her consideration to join other fictional characters who I don’t mind openly identifying with. Part of her appeal to me is that she has kept on going in spite of circumstances that would have left others cowering in a corner. Lisbeth deals with those in a way that is emblematic of my ‘less than good’ ethos, and I know that clearing up the clutter and accepting that it is going to be hard, is something that she personified for me. Plus, she does the ‘get back’ thing, for the times when she feels that she ‘owes’ someone.
With that said… the curtain rises…
SCENES FROM STUDIO A
I haven’t had someone flirt with me in such a long time that I have not really considered whether I am lonely or not. The incident had me think about the new adventures I have forward to in Omaha and the kind of people that I will meet when I start to live and be myself there. The excitement that I have gurgling in me once was reserved for birthday parties and summer vacations 5th grade. The year is 6th grade and junior high, and from bigger boys to be bullied by and comparisons to girls for whom puberty has them filling out their figures while Mother Nature has not yet seen it fit that such outwardly maturation has come your way, I think is a the first of what will become an increasingly rapid series of changes and growing up really begins. Elementary school was so, well, elementary and there is more to the relationships that start to form in junior high. You start seeing people who are really ‘foreign’ to you, from neighborhoods and places that may as well be from a different state if not another country where ‘English’ is one of the language options and the Lil’ Wayne, Katy Perry and realities shows about New Jersey poseurs highlights popular culture.
When the ‘exercise Jill’ came up to me Wednesday evening, I thought about how cool it would have been had we ran into each other in June. But we didn’t and we merely made good conversation as we did our respective workouts. When I rode home and would pass by prospective places for me to de-camp and start anew, the illusion looked very inviting, in the way that free falling from the edge of a cliff does to a person wanting to experience freedom does. Not to mention that I would no longer have to think about what is going to happen between Nebraska and me… which is a ‘Mark thing’ that I have had to wrestle to the ground and pin for a count.
Morning drizzle was not enough to prevent me from getting up and going to Mickey D for morning chow. A hidden bargain meal at this particular location is a two hotcake-for a-dollar deal, that I gladly partake of. There hasn’t been a whole lot of talk about the everyday and I think I have mentioned why already, as it was a part of a calculation made when I got here and aimed for Omaha. I am going to miss enough about this place as it is, and did not want to add to that feeling or forming any kind of attachment than what would already occur (see, I knew that I was going feel a sense of belonging here… Detroit, after all, IS my home).
Sitting and enjoying my full ‘value breakie’, a young family of three, the child being a toddler I would guess at being a 3- year old, came in for a meal. As it was on the edge of the lunchtime switchover and that is what they had came for, they three of them, sat at a nearby table. One of those ‘eternal flashes’, a moment in time where your mind races through hundreds if not thousands, of different possibilities against the one reality that did happen (and again proving why wondering ‘could have been’ weighs heavier on the mind than ‘I am going to take my shot’). For me today, I thought about how different a three year gap in age looks to a 40-something than it does to a 20-something. I think the age difference between Nebraska and myself mirrors the gap between my ex-wife and I, with in the former couple, I am the senior in age.
It isn’t that I do not have images of the ‘three of us’, my ex-wife, her daughter and me that was similar to the scene that I was looking at in McDonald’s. I definitely know that my stepdaughter and I had our own little adventures together, along with my twin sisters, where we would go to a mall or grocery shopping and giving someone else the surge of emotions that I had eating my morning breakie.
DOING WHAT’S BEST… DOING WHAT WORKS
For me, that is.
I am going to make that a priority if not THE priority when I make the choices when it comes to making decisions for my life. By that I mean that I will funnel everything through whether or not it is 'pro-Mark' or not. Part of my bitching about doing things for other people at this particularly intense time of my life, is that I feel that I would be playing a part in a play that I had no desire to even audition for. Not only that, this ‘last act of penance’ alters my immediate future planning. Having other reasons than filling a need in someone else is making this a lot easier to handle and it now is something to look forward to other than to ‘get it over with’.
Becoming comfortable with the strain of effort and the kind of stress that working towards an unseen goal is another ‘something’ that I think will bring to me, a peace of mind. It usually does. I flash back to discussions with my friend about my coming out west, and how I look forward to sleeping on the floor and having the quiet and solitude that has been missing in my life. She’d take offense (not that she get put off anymore than anyone else would in growing closer to me… it always works like that for me… and really, it IS cool and no worries, at least none for me), thinking that I am saying she is going to ‘bring me’ out to Omaha and leave me to fend for myself in the wilds of the plains. I should have done a better job at explaining or worked harder at having her understand that I was merely speaking from the experience I have. Starting from scratch means just that and all I was trying to express when I would talk about ‘sleeping on the floor’.
This time next week I will be on the highway somewhere between Chicago and Iowa City (I am guessing…). The butterflies in my stomach will prolly have grown to the size of gypsy moths, but I will be ok.
Always, the first step begins with the most mundane, overlooked of tasks. She describes her room and how it needs to be something more than it is right now, and how beneath all of the clutter, there is the potential for it to be what she wants and needs her room to be.
So I am glad that my little ‘fit’ happened the day before and I don’t feel self-conscious in taking her up on this challenge. What I would like to add to readers and those who have made a commitment (to themselves, if not to me) to follow along with me on my journey, that over the next three-and a-half months, you do allow me some ‘creative license’ in my entries here. There is something about the difficulties of life and how you deal with them that makes the triumph so much sweeter. Reading about Lisbeth Salander and how she has played the hand she was dealt, has earned her consideration to join other fictional characters who I don’t mind openly identifying with. Part of her appeal to me is that she has kept on going in spite of circumstances that would have left others cowering in a corner. Lisbeth deals with those in a way that is emblematic of my ‘less than good’ ethos, and I know that clearing up the clutter and accepting that it is going to be hard, is something that she personified for me. Plus, she does the ‘get back’ thing, for the times when she feels that she ‘owes’ someone.
With that said… the curtain rises…
SCENES FROM STUDIO A
I haven’t had someone flirt with me in such a long time that I have not really considered whether I am lonely or not. The incident had me think about the new adventures I have forward to in Omaha and the kind of people that I will meet when I start to live and be myself there. The excitement that I have gurgling in me once was reserved for birthday parties and summer vacations 5th grade. The year is 6th grade and junior high, and from bigger boys to be bullied by and comparisons to girls for whom puberty has them filling out their figures while Mother Nature has not yet seen it fit that such outwardly maturation has come your way, I think is a the first of what will become an increasingly rapid series of changes and growing up really begins. Elementary school was so, well, elementary and there is more to the relationships that start to form in junior high. You start seeing people who are really ‘foreign’ to you, from neighborhoods and places that may as well be from a different state if not another country where ‘English’ is one of the language options and the Lil’ Wayne, Katy Perry and realities shows about New Jersey poseurs highlights popular culture.
When the ‘exercise Jill’ came up to me Wednesday evening, I thought about how cool it would have been had we ran into each other in June. But we didn’t and we merely made good conversation as we did our respective workouts. When I rode home and would pass by prospective places for me to de-camp and start anew, the illusion looked very inviting, in the way that free falling from the edge of a cliff does to a person wanting to experience freedom does. Not to mention that I would no longer have to think about what is going to happen between Nebraska and me… which is a ‘Mark thing’ that I have had to wrestle to the ground and pin for a count.
Morning drizzle was not enough to prevent me from getting up and going to Mickey D for morning chow. A hidden bargain meal at this particular location is a two hotcake-for a-dollar deal, that I gladly partake of. There hasn’t been a whole lot of talk about the everyday and I think I have mentioned why already, as it was a part of a calculation made when I got here and aimed for Omaha. I am going to miss enough about this place as it is, and did not want to add to that feeling or forming any kind of attachment than what would already occur (see, I knew that I was going feel a sense of belonging here… Detroit, after all, IS my home).
Sitting and enjoying my full ‘value breakie’, a young family of three, the child being a toddler I would guess at being a 3- year old, came in for a meal. As it was on the edge of the lunchtime switchover and that is what they had came for, they three of them, sat at a nearby table. One of those ‘eternal flashes’, a moment in time where your mind races through hundreds if not thousands, of different possibilities against the one reality that did happen (and again proving why wondering ‘could have been’ weighs heavier on the mind than ‘I am going to take my shot’). For me today, I thought about how different a three year gap in age looks to a 40-something than it does to a 20-something. I think the age difference between Nebraska and myself mirrors the gap between my ex-wife and I, with in the former couple, I am the senior in age.
It isn’t that I do not have images of the ‘three of us’, my ex-wife, her daughter and me that was similar to the scene that I was looking at in McDonald’s. I definitely know that my stepdaughter and I had our own little adventures together, along with my twin sisters, where we would go to a mall or grocery shopping and giving someone else the surge of emotions that I had eating my morning breakie.
DOING WHAT’S BEST… DOING WHAT WORKS
For me, that is.
I am going to make that a priority if not THE priority when I make the choices when it comes to making decisions for my life. By that I mean that I will funnel everything through whether or not it is 'pro-Mark' or not. Part of my bitching about doing things for other people at this particularly intense time of my life, is that I feel that I would be playing a part in a play that I had no desire to even audition for. Not only that, this ‘last act of penance’ alters my immediate future planning. Having other reasons than filling a need in someone else is making this a lot easier to handle and it now is something to look forward to other than to ‘get it over with’.
Becoming comfortable with the strain of effort and the kind of stress that working towards an unseen goal is another ‘something’ that I think will bring to me, a peace of mind. It usually does. I flash back to discussions with my friend about my coming out west, and how I look forward to sleeping on the floor and having the quiet and solitude that has been missing in my life. She’d take offense (not that she get put off anymore than anyone else would in growing closer to me… it always works like that for me… and really, it IS cool and no worries, at least none for me), thinking that I am saying she is going to ‘bring me’ out to Omaha and leave me to fend for myself in the wilds of the plains. I should have done a better job at explaining or worked harder at having her understand that I was merely speaking from the experience I have. Starting from scratch means just that and all I was trying to express when I would talk about ‘sleeping on the floor’.
This time next week I will be on the highway somewhere between Chicago and Iowa City (I am guessing…). The butterflies in my stomach will prolly have grown to the size of gypsy moths, but I will be ok.
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