Spring Cleaning ... STILL!!

Actually ... I am GOOD!

Watching the news conference this morning with the new head guy at GM got me to follow the media watch on that story about GM and their bailout. Though I do think that they are unnecessarily harsh with the Auto Industry, and that there seems to be more concern with the financial markets (which is more 'smoke and mirrors' than anything else), I did personalize a lot of what I saw as 'happening'.

Then, I read the paper. *SIGH* And it begged the question, does Detroit deserve to be saved?

BECAUSE IT'S ABSTRACT ... SUBLIMINAL

When Connie Calloway was brought in to run the school system, there was a big whine because she came from a small system, outside of St. Louis I think. Whatever. Didn't mean she couldn't do the job. I was in the provincial town, jogging 'round with the Mooks, so I can't say what she did and didn't do. But the gist of it is she took on some of the cronyism and slovenliness of a badly managed school district.

They fired her.

Now, their is state appointed cat, who is finding out that Connie was right. There is waste, overspending, poor bookkeeping, you name it, they are screwing it up. There is supposed to be no district sponsored travel ... yet in Freep column, Rochelle Riley wrote that school board member Marie Thornton had not a problem with the order ... then announced that she and several other board members were going to be attending a conference in San Diego. WTF!?! On WHOSE DIME, I wonder?

DOES ANYONE GET IT?

I love my hometown, I really do. If it shook out to where I was to remain here ... uh, let's not speak of that too much. Anywho, the municipal officers and elected officials just don't get it. And no, I do know that not only are their larger cities NOT as mismanaged as this one, towns that have once been in decline, are now decent places to be. Cleveland, Pittsburgh, and Baltimore are three that I know of. Downtown Chicago puts ours to shame. This place has been bleeding population since the late 50's and now it is hemorrhaging people.

There is something very wrong with the city ... is it the water? I could try to unravel that, but I won't. It is beyond me, anyway.

I do think that the so called middle class is getting squeezed like a pimple. But the problem here, is some malicous 'they who sit above in shadow' group that pull the strings, but the city and its people. that is what makes things 'sting' around here.

Now, some of what I raved about, I still stand behind. Not going to get into what, because that is for me to know. In some 'personal personnel' news, Tee Jay called ... and no, there wasn't any whiny take me back talk. If anything, I copped to what I did wrong, and also why I chose to do what I did after the mess that I made. Restated that yeah, I feel you still, but right now my mind is set on getting over you, because I don't want to be wondering about anything when I leave.

Yeah, I did tell her where I am going. It is different for a man in a situation like this. If a woman was talking this talk, it would be crap, because she more than likely is trying get some attention and all that. When a man announces his intent, it means that is what he is taking a pass/fail test on, period.

Had to get that socio-political burst out of my system ... and that is a good sign. I don't have a lot of angst and pitying in me, not for myself. It means I am looking forward and expectantly at my future. That my mind feel light enough to bear to think about something other than how I am going to get somewhere, means I am calm about what I need to do.

NEXT: More music!!

FEELING LIKE ...

RANTING AND RAVING WITH THE STRAY CATS

But even with me feeling good, I want to reach out and touch that rail ... see, I wouldn't have voted for the current President if the canidate I was initially backing, hadn't begun to lose heart. Let's just say this is a union house, and I didn't start out as a union cat until I went to Carolina.

They pay for crap, and you put up with the worst conditions like ever. And I didn't work at the chicken place in Raeford where a bunch of folks died in. Unions helped people get retirement, earn a decent living and give folks a shot at moving up. Put kids thru college, and gave a family a good home in a decent neighborhood with fine schools.

It is simple, really, what is going on. It is the death of the middle class. Where is Upton Sinclair when you need him? The pressure of economics is going to alienate even more folks, and further serve to fractionalize society.

Me and my Pops discussed this subject during the Democratic primary ... where on earth was Obama getting his money from? You can take that 'motivated the young' crap with you on the way to the unemployment line. NO ONE gets the kind of loot he had without folks with deep pockets pushing you.

His language has always, always not been one of galvinaizing people, but to me, you know what I heard? I think Hilary heard it too, but wasn't agile enough to identify it. His language is the language of blindness, his words, his speech is that which mollifies and lure you into the pen.

I have never fully embraced him, and were you HERE, you would know it. AKA does, and that has led to a few 'spirited conversations'. WHENEVER you have money in the equation, YOU FOLLOW IT.

Oh, SOME of the cats gave back their bonuses. What about the rest of them? Concessions from the unions? So you want to take the health care that someone earned breathing abestos so that you can drive your Stupid Uneccessary Vehicle (SUV) to take tea with the ladies, eh?

It is too late ... I am already started. I am still trying to hold out hope that things will shake out for the better. Hard to see it, but I am. But after gentrification begins to take hold, there is going to be metropolitan 'China Pits' all across the country. As hard as it is, wait till KT, Lexxie and Skye come looking for their chance in a decade or so.

You go into debt to get an education, to begin a life of owing and owing, because you have to find a way to find a job, buy food, get housing ... you know, LIVE. And hey, the cost of living isn't going anywhere but up, so you get that BA, to learn to get a job that gives you any hope of a life, you need an advanced degree, and once you get that, you continue to build your debt up, simply on necessities, let alone on extras.

The stress makes one susceptible to all manner of diseases ... oh crap ... HEALTH CARE again!! So you go with out, or use half doses which will make thing worse ...

ARE FOLKS BLIND ..?

Again, going from Michigan to a non union state as a young adult opened my eyes. It is only communism when you force the ruling class (like you didn't know that THEY fan the flames of fear and despair!) to give you the rights that they themselve take as a birthright. How hard do you think them cats are REALLY working on Wall Street? People need a fair, not exorbatant wage ... but that isn't what is shaking out, is it?

Oh, this is TRULY a rant, and one that isn't going anywhere. Let's see them cap executive salary and then maybe you can open a debate with me ... I am so upset on so many levels, that I can't get everything out. All I know is the crap that is coming out of Washington, sounds like classic double think, and double think is the speech of oppression.

You thought Bush was bad for the common, everyday working joe? You let this cat do what his REAL SUPPORTERS (grass roots my arse ... campaign chest that swallowed up EVERYONE else's!!) put him in office to do, and the 'irony joke' about the national airport being named for the man responsible for breaking the air traffic controllers union, will be a snicker compared to what 'the man of the people' is going to do to everyone.

There isn't enough running OR chocolate chip cookies to get me back to normal. Bait and freakin' switch ...

TV NIGHT!!

REALLY, IT WAS TO FIT IN WITH THE MOOKS

Honestly, I have NEVER set my watch to a TV schedule, which is why shows that I like to watch, or hear good things about, can go unseen. I will read what the critics say, and if it sounds interesting enough, watch an episode or two. Tonight, a show that I have watched since it's inception '24' was on, and it was very enjoyable.

This has been one of the better seasons, and since they have had a Black President, perhaps the female President they have now, is a precursor. But that talk is for later on ... it is on my mind, the President, or specifically the office holder. I am sure it may put a bee in someone's bonnet. Perhaps I will keep that to myself.

Because '24' has been so good, I had to give up '2 And A Half Men'. I try to keep up by watching the web repeats, but it isn't as easy as it would seem to stare at a computer montior. I haven't gotten used to getting my info and entertainment that way yet. Maybe I am too old for this sh*t!

THE MURTAUGH RULE

Did catch both 'Big Bang Theory' and 'How I Met Your Mother'. Both were funny ... but 'Mother' had me thinking as much as laughing. It was an epsiode where one of the plots had Ted and Barney disagree over being too old to do certain things. He and Marshall called it the 'Murtaugh Rule' after Danny Glover's character in the 'Lethal Weapon' movies. Essentially, it is when you are supposed to have matured beyond certain activities and choices.

I liked how it was resolved, with the acknowledgement that there are things that you are too old for, you still should take the occasional walk on the wild side. It fits me, because while I am 'too old for this sh*t', I am still going to go to Nebraska!

See, it isn't like I DON'T KNOW BETTER! But what am I to do? As I stated in my previous entry, I want to move, not necessarily because Detroit IS Detroit. I have always wanted to 'go somewhere'. When I get settled, I am going to get it together and get my passport, and go somewhere ... just to go sit in a hotel in a forgein country (uh, and YOU think my anxieties is going to actually let me GO anywhere?!? If they let me actually get on a plane, that will be good enough!!)

"I'VE GOT A NEWS FLASH ... WE'RE ALL NERVOUS!!"

That was a line from Jon Voight, one of the baddies on '24' this year. Whenever you are going to do something that is 'great', there are going to be butterflies and goosebumps. You have to be better than all that, at all cost, because it MATTERS!
Think those cats in Apollo 13 ... how they kept it together when for sure, there was no room for error. How about the cats in ground control who had to figure a way to get them down?

Uh, I do think my margin for error is a wee bit larger than that. So if they could be nerveless, why shouldn't I be?

PLAYERS PLAY ...

... tough players play tough. That is what State plays by, and certainly has since Tom Izzo has been coach. I wonder if someone from the school asked Magic Johnson to come talk to him, since the Kentucky rumors were out. Magic said that he should be paid another million, and his salary should be on their level.

Some of the other things that frustrate Tom, having more top players come to him, like they do at schools like Carolina, Duke ... KENTUCKY, would prolly be cool for him. But can their be any doubts on his ability as a coach? I am glad he stayed!

SONG FOR THE DAY

I think I will be burdening you with some of my 'Soundtrack to Nebraska' for a bit.




The Sprite commercial song. If I am right, this is a song made for use in a commercial, not commercial release. Made for an ad agency (who has some great music in their commercials ..!), and while the ad is shot to get you to feel good, their is an undercurrent of sadness to the song, and the scene, is it not?



Even though it is just an ad, I felt the sting of jealousy at rarely being a part of a social circle. For instance, though the group of kids have each other, that ISN'T what the song is about, is it?



It makes the saying, "... if you were to jump off a cliff, I love you so much, I wouldn't jump with you, but race to the bottom to catch you as you fell," to mind.



Time will heal your wounds, I'll see you through

Your may fade from view, I'll see you through ...



Maybe they don't have much, but they have each other. I think that is why when I have disagreements with people, I try to swallow as much of the bitterness and rancor as I can. If I am going to be done with you, I already know that I can do that. It isn't in my nature though, and I feel as for that, I can keep on with my natterings and wanderings without ever having to cross your path again, anyway.


I think it creates too much bad karma. Besides, a nice run and some Astoria cookies, and I will be like, "What was I upset about?" Letting someone 'get off first' more often than not, allows me to get on with my life. In the end, that is what it is going to come down to anyway, getting on with life, right?

You know, one of the things I like best about songs that get to me, is that they are a prism, and a simple turn and you see the light in a completely new way.

If I were to describe what I try to see in music that I like, it is what Frank Black sang about once ... 'the spaces between places'. The music I like best do that for me ... whether it is Skinny Puppy or The Left Banke. Some songs turn a light on for me, and lets me see something that before I didn't even know was there.

Very few pop songs manage the trick for me, and should one catch me like that, it seems like I am being condescending, as if I really couldn't enjoy it. And a lot of times, I am, I guess. It seems that the songs have went through so much 'testing' and set to maximize sales and induce a loss of reason in the person that is hypnotized by its infecting beat and insipid lyrics.

Well gentle reader, if you have made it this far, congragulations! Make mine Marvel, and grant yourself an honorary No-Prize!! But really, if you did, thanks!

Basketball Diaries

PEOPLE WHO DIED


Name of a song by the Jim Carroll band. That is what I know about him. Didn't see the movie 'The Basketball Diaries', BUT if you did, you could tell me about it. I don't mind reading reviews or care if you know what is going to happen because you have heard or seen a movie before. Most of what someone else sees isn't what I am seeing in a movie, anyway.

CAN THEY DO IT?

Carolina is looking like the 800 lb. gorilla in the Final Four. But both the Heels and State have very stern tests in the two Big East teams, Connecticut and Villanova. Don't remember (which isn't saying much,but work with me!) the last time a group of top schools were competing for the NCAA basketball title, but you could put each name in a hat and pull out someone who would be deserving of winning.

I wonder if there will be that psychic 'lift' that a region can get from seeing 'one of its own' or a representative do well on the big stage, should the Spartans bring home the big prize. Myself, I have been 'lifted' already, and by getting to Ford Field, they are validated in my eyes. But I have never 'sensed' the link, not in the way that I felt it with Tommy Hearns and Detroit, or when Michigan has done well, with Michigan State. I never really understood that, given the 'blue blood snootiness' of the folks in 'A squared' as opposed to the people in East Lansing. MSU has a prettier campus as well, one of my favourites. It reminds me of how Duke and NC State matches up ... Duke is in Durham, and is a little on the grimy part of town. State is in Raleigh, and is a picturesque campus.

Anywho, Ann Arbor is full of pretentiousness. I used to work in the Briarwood Mall (why yes Angela, I have worked and stayed pretty much all over SE Michigan ... how else would I be comfortable with leaving if I didn't know what I would be setting behind me?), and could not STAND how phony the people seemed, how stuck up they were. It is so not like that in East Lansing. Lansing is a cool town as well. I think that folks were frustrated in Ann Arbor, because they could see things that they wanted, so close to them, but far away from ever achieving them. The locals, were worn down from their lives lived in a oppressive desperation, because while the median income is high there, the opportunity for those who aren't connected to the industry (which is the University of Michigan and its maintenance), you seemed to be S.O.L.

Not only is she an AKA, she also went to Michigan. But I like her anyway! The reason that I am ragging a bit on Ann Arbor, is that somehow, State goes underappreciated by Detroit, and I have never understood why. Even with Magic Johnson in East Lansing, the mania created by the Fab Five was greater, and they never won anything.

While it will be a nice national feel good story, having the Spartans here in Detroit may not have that kind of 'lift' that something of this nature usually has. As incongruous at it sounds, Detroit is a Michigan town.

And I think that Washington is unnecesarily picking on Detroit via how they are roughing up the Auto Industry. The financial bail out was to help the folks in Vail and in the Hamptons keep working. Helping out the auto industry will help keep folks from climbing into the windows of your home when you aren't there, and making you uncomfortable when you are walking downtown. Not to mention your fave diner or dive bar open.

I think that the bigger 'trickle effect' would take place if the Big Three goes down. Period.

AS FAR AS A PREDICTION GOES ...

I am glad that things shook out the way they have, with the matchups. State v. Carolina ... uh, I have seen that movie before, and it wasn't good, though as for that, there is a precedent for teams playing in the reg'lar season and the result going the opposite way in the tournament ('Nova v. G'town in '85; Michigan v. Illinois in '89). I like the way that MSU matches up with UConn, and I think that Villanova matches up better with Carolina.

Would be disappointed if State doesn't win. There is no air in that. No matter where I am, Michigan will always be my home, and I never root against the home team!

APRIL SHOWERS ...

... brings more firm plans on how I am going to 'do this'! I have already mentioned that there is some 'creep' taking place, but I will see if I can work to head it off.

Free Wheeling

Sitting here like Butch Lewis in Mike Tyson's dressing room before his fight with Michael Spinks ... I am very glad that State won FRIDAY NIGHT. That was the game that I wanted, just for me. Was feeling a little worn ... have been all month.

Of course I am more than a little disappointed that Tee Jay and I aren't on the same wavelength. Does it mean that we won't ever talk, that I won't ever call? Why wouldn't I?

Now mind you, the purpose of telling myself that I can call her, is so that I don't. Anyone who has tried a diet, knows how difficult it is to stay away from foods on the 'cheat list'. By not putting her on a 'do not call' list, I can ask myself if I really want to call her, and subject myself to I'd be doing, to engage her. For me, this works a lot better than trying to demonize her, and pull my hair out over what I can't control, and have little influence over.

But I was very glad that State won the other day, in particular. I thought that Kansas had really improved since the game in January. Overcoming big deficit and calmly taking the game over in the final minutes (moments?) meant a lot for me. They never lost heart, and they never gave up. It would mean a lot to Michigan for them to come home for the Final Four. (of course, this is being started before the game ... no, I won't adjust it for what happens in real time!!)

And it meant a heck of a lot to me, too. I needed them to win, because I was down. They get by Louisville (nearly stopped there in another lifetime ... fought there a few times!) and I think it would mean a lot to many other people as well.

Couldn't sleep last night, especially since 'Unforgiven' was running on Bravo (??). Too bad that certain readers haven't seen that film yet, cause if it is in rotation, I am going to watch it, and identify with it.

...speaking of movies ...

THE PRINCESS BRIDE

That is the movie that Facebook assigned me! It made me think of movies that really grabbed me when I first saw them, but wouldn't identify with (Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs, Usual Suspects), movies that I thought were really good, and I saw some of me in (A Bridge Too Far, Double Indemnity, Forrest Gump), and movies that I really identify with, like 'Unforgiven'.

'Castaway' is another movie that I could see myself in. Chuck Noland's (Tom Hanks) love for his girl helped keep him alive ... and it also helped him to let her go ... I am a little nervy about 'spoiling' it, but for me, Nebraska is the 'package with the butterflies' on it.

Another movie that I found myself investing in, was Hilary Swank's turn as Brandon Teena in 'Boys Don't Cry'. I couldn't have let something like that happen, but I also know that I couldn't have done anything to have prevent it, either. Lives wouldn't have crossed in enough places to have made a difference. That little crew were the lost stoners on the prairie ... like the urban 'brainwashed followers', oblivious to their future, impervious to the notion of hope. It was a struggle for the existence that they managed to have.

There was an exchanged between Brandon Teena (Swank) and a girl that would go out necking with him that grabbed me:

Girl - "You don't seem like you're from around here."
Brandon - "Where does it seem like I'm from?"
Girl - "Someplace beautiful."

Like Brandon, I have always felt out of place in Detroit. I expect to hear something similar from someone out in the corn fields or in the peach orchards and among the tobacco farms. Part of what eases my disappointment with Tee Jay, is what I was able to gather from our conversation, things that have always made me anxious to leave and see it I could find what I am looking for.

" If the rule you followed brought you to this, then what use was the rule?" -Anton Chigura, "No Country For Old Men"

That is what I would say to Tee Jay, but she is not alone. That is something that has kept this city stagnated, and the political outlook has seeped into the character of the people here, in many respects. People do the same failed things, show the same shortsightedness.

Anywho, "No Country ..." was a very good movie, a top ten entry. Another personal movie, not that it is one of the best I ever seen, was "Love In The Time Of Cholera", which I happened to see with Nebraska. It will always in my mind be 'her movie', though I was the one who wanted to see it. It was sort of funny how it came to pass that we saw it. I thought we were going in to see "Michael Clayton", and when "Love In The Time ..." came on, she huffed, but trooped it out. Good for her!!

"Apollo 13" is another movie which I want to believe that I can find in me somewhere. With that kind of pressure and such high stakes involved ... where for real the margin for error was as small as the window they used to keep the Earth in line for the key maneuver to so they could get back home.

CHIGURA - ISM

I liked that line, because again, tying it in to people who want one thing but can't understand why they don't have it in their lives, I think they find themselves in violation of that very valid point. They have wants and expectations, but what have they done to get ready to receive what they want in their lives? Wayne Dyer makes a case for the universal source as being complete in itself. If you come to it in want, rather that in expectation, then it will give you back the 'want', instead of what you desire.

My hope and expectations aren't born of naivete. I happen to firmly believe in certain things, and that they sound a lot like what successful people say, isn't parroting, it simply IS.

For you to say that all men our dogs, mean that in your life, that is what you will get. You have to change the way you see the world, then what you see will change. For me, it was to acknowledged what I was doing and how I saw the world was contrary to what I really desired in my life. Reconciling it all wasn't easy, but nothing worth it ever is. "The greater the difficulty, the more the glory surmounting it." - Epicurious. I have said since I was a kid, that 'life ain't easy, but it ain't hard'. Being willing to commit to the having to work harder at something than ever, is the perseverance I hope to summon in the last half of my life.

Because this is what I am telling myself everyday, no matter what challenge I face. that I am going to get thru it, on the terms that I set for myself. I think that part of 'doing better now that I know better', is not letting how tough things are, the illusion that the shadow of diffculty cast, deter me from my path.

THE BIG FINISH

Summing up things, I liked that the app kicked out 'The Princess Bride' for me. Sure, we could sit and dish about stuff, talk about shopping and who knows, maybe I will start watching 'Desperately Real Lost Housewives of the Unit' so we can have something to talk about. What ever it takes to make a realtionship work, friends or something deeper.

Right now, I am more disappointed than hurt with Tee Jay. I always traded on her 'pass card', socially. But she allowed for me and my 'eclectic method', and to feel like she would rather ignore Anton question, and follow the same path that left her wanting ... saddens me more than it hurts. I don't know what to say. It is difficult to rise to the place where you can let the good that is in you out. And who am I to say anything, anyway?

What I know is that I want certain things, and I am willing to do what I got to in order to make what I want a part of my life.

It is halftime as I finish up ... and State is playing super well, looking relatively Final Four -ish!

... and why did Atlas shrug?

BECAUSE HE WAS TIRED OF BEARING THE WEIGHT

Yet, the weight can be seen as a gift, right?

STIFILED FRIDAY NIGHTS

... unless State wins their game. There isn't some obtuse 'Mark-oteric' to them winning or not. I just want them to. For me.

Now, I guess I should get it all out, in a 'now it can be told' fashion. Spoke to Tee Jay and while we covered many points, I am still left with at least as many questions than before our conversation.

The feeling I have is one of, 'well, what did you expect?' No, she didn't hurt my feelings, but that is part of it. I would rather she did, or at least try. Being vague and all, was not what I was aiming for. One of those, 'I'll always care for you ...' type of deals. Right.

Usually, I try to be even handed, making sure that if anything, I take the brunt of whatever is going on. This time, I don't feel like it. Her open ended conversation means only one thing for me now.

Away. It means I have to stay away from her. She is everywhere in my life though, has been for the last ten years. She is the only person I have tried to keep the cards that they sent to me, little momentos of where we've been and what we had done, a scrap book kind of deal. Being that I don't have one even of myself, this was a big thing for me. Now, with things being as they are, being what they will be, I am wondering what am I to do?

Don't answer. That is rhetorical. I KNOW what I am going to do. 'The Nebraska Concept'. It has always been option #1 for a reason. See, that is what made this 'ex list' such a challenge for me. I could have crashed like the waves against the shore, and perhaps her outer walls would erode and then give way. But crap like that doesn't happen in a great enough frequency to suit me. Worse, what is it that I would have gained by 'winning her back'?

When I say that I take a 'foward position', I am saying that look, I know I have my issues. I will tell you well enough in advance most (how can you tell someone 'all' that is in your closet? Until you get to know THEM, you really don't know what will offend them or cause them to rethink their opinion of you, do you?) of the 'dirt' that I have accumulated and what I have done to try to clean my self up.

There are other general issues, such as fidelity, honesty, and direction, that I can provide an insight, if not answer to early on. By getting this out on the table first, it is just like in a boxing match, what stepping forward behind a jab does. Makes someone react and show what they have to offer up in a relationship.

CONTRADICTION IN TERMS

That is what I did hear from her. I mean, I have recalled enough of how I felt when she said 'she wanted something different', and gave me a chance. Now, she KNOWS that I am something different for her norm ... which is what she expressed a desire to find. But we both know the risks of doing that, right? Okay then, I get it. May not like it, but I get it.

We talked about a lot of things, but the details don't matter. That I feel sort of confused about her, is my answer. I didn't get what I was looking for, which was clarity and if not that by chance, then closure. And that is how it has to be. Things aren't like movies and soap operas, where things are tied off, no matter how convoluted thing are. This is clearly a case of "Doing what's best, not what's easy", coming into play.

It would be easy to pine away, letting something that I actually don't have, get at me. I could call, try to visit her, send cards and letters ... do whatever, to try to win her favour. Unfortunately, that isn't my style. Part of what makes being willing to accept criticism does for me, is that it also lets me absorb my disappointments and move on.

When Alexis Arguello lost to Aaron Pryor a second time, I remember one picture of Arguello sitting on the canvas as the referee counted, arms draped over his knees. That has stayed in my mind, along with another lesser fighter who went to a knees, as the picture that comes up when it is time to for 'a run' to end. In both examples, the cats gave all that they had. It just wasn't going to be enough.

The bad 'training mission' I ran earlier this month, was just that. Get things together and 'hit the books'. Obviously, I need more 'study' before I go out on another run. It was more that their were other complicating factors that had me get out to the slow start. But that is not the last of 'March Madness' for me.

MISSION CREEP

It is going to happen. Have no doubt about that. In fact, it IS happening.

Now, when I left Mookie, I gave myself a window of 18-24 months to get things together to go to Nebraska (the place ... like space!!). I have learned that there will be more to it, and that the 'more to it' will require more money. So instead of the 'early' portion of the window, 15 - 18 months, I am looking at the 'later' window, 21 - 24 months.

What will it mean to still be at this particular computer in July of 2010? Shudder to think. At any rate, I should be able to really 'store up' my Michigan life, and begin to live a new one, as a new person sort of like the folks who survived their experience being caught in the past, in the novella, 'The Langoliers'. Old, but 'new'.

People Say The Cutest Things!

THERE IS A 'MADNESS' ...


... but it is ALL on the distaff side this year! The sports talking heads are all talking about how 'chalk' the men's basketball tourney has been ... all but ignoring what is going on with the woman's game.



What the Lady Cardinals did ... AT TENNESSEE ... if it was a men's game, you would NEVER hear the end of it. They still bring up what George Mason did a few years ago, with a run that included a win of State, like it is something that will be for a time capsule.



No, what Ball State girls did ... in their FIRST tourney bid in school history is capsule worthy. And what happened last night in East Lansing was as well. Yes, it was a home game, but so was Tennessee's game. Besides, the Duke girls are one of the 'rare air' programs along with UConn, and the aforementioned Lady Vols. State ladies are new on the national stage, and the coach who built the program up ...



... now coaches Duke!! JoAnn McCallie left State a couple of seasons ago to take over the Blue Devils. She had recruited most of the starters for State, and for sure had to have know 'what's what' about them. Duke has TWELVE McDonald's All Americans on their team. State on the other hand, you could say had girls who 'worked at McDonald's' by comparison. The Duke ladies weaknesses weren't as apparent as State's, whose issues as a team played to Duke strengths. So you could imagine at minimum a double digit win ... FOR STATE!!



I mention what is happening in the woman's tourney because 1) Sexism is clearly not gone anywhere ... but let's say we are working on it. Again, if this was happening in the Men's brackets, the sports shows would be falling over themselves with the story. 2) In a 'sports as life' example, you just don't know what the heck will happen if you give it your best '60 seconds worth of distance run', do you?

READERS ALWAYS WRITE!

Another thing about my journal, is that I wanted to reach out and make a few pals and as important, get some feedback on some of the choices I was/am/will making. As friendly as I am, I never had many folks that I considered 'true friends', much less as a friend. As they 'made plans for Nigel', it wasn't said that they were doing it out of a love for him. I think that they appreciated him, because he was 'happy with his work'.

When people begin to pay attention, I would make a post about some of the comments that were made, and elaborate on them. Haven't done it in a good while, but like the 'dope slap' Ken laid on me awhile ago, I still take things under advisement.

I saw James 16 perhaps 2-3 times. He looked like a very sad girl to me. Like one little opprobrium would send him over the edge.

This one from Mary, made me laugh a hearty one, that brought tears to my eyes!! Like Pee Wee, not only do I like to ride 'big red bikes', but 'I know you are, but what am I?' has been one of my fave things to say!

Having someone pick at me in this way ... I have always taken it as a compliment ... because I actually DO know what I am, but do YOU? I remember talking to Nebraska and letting her in on what Pecan Sandie calls me ... a drama queen!! It kind of unnerved her, the whole guy/girls characterization, but it never made me no never mind. I played hockey ... my brother did the figure skating. And the line of demarcation was just that clear. Had I wanted to get to open skating earlier to see the girls practice at Jack Adams like he did, instead of staying late to figure out what I had to do to play hockey, then a lot of things would have been different.

NOW THAT I MENTIONED HER ...

She was prolly the first girl to 'see' some of the 'why' to me. She would ride up I-77 with me to visit with Skye and such. She got to hang around me in the environment that I was raised in. One of the things that I remember her saying after our first trip to the Motor, was that 'I get you now.'

That is something that I look for in a person. I don't really think that you can actually 'get' me, because I don't 'get' myself. I don't think that it is meant for you to be able to 'get' ANYONE. Whatever you can observe, is changed as soon as you make the observation.

Whew ... my head got a little dizzy there. But I know what I mean. What I wouldn't mind, is that someone would try and when they couldn't grasp it all, make allowances for 'Mark being Mark'. After all, we don't live in a vaccum, and you HAVE to know that I am doing something to let 'you be you'.

So the evolution in my relationships has been one where I got what I chased after without regard to any particular design (my ex wife) ... found out that if you asked for what it was you wanted, you could have it (My Delta Girl), to finding someone who wanted to actually love me, flaws and warts (not saying MDG didn't, but Sandie had to deal with some baggage), to finding out that yes Evelyn, you can ask for something still, that you aren't beyond 'redemption' (with Tee Jay).

What did I learn with Mookie?? Another Kurt Warner quote fits here ..."I didn't learn anything new about myself. I am still the same guy doing the same things that I always could." I think that is an important aspect to my evolution. I had told myself that I was changed, and I have.

Anywho, another long entry. I know it has been long, because my hands are a little sore. Did a big run today and I felt really, really good. Have to share about some of the 'training' that I have been doing to get ready, and why this month staggered at the start.

Maybe. I am over most of it now. What is to be learned ... I think that I have gotten the most of that. We'll see.

THE FIGHT OF THE CENTURY

SPRING IS HERE FOR REAL??

If so, then that is cool! Many times in the Midwest, the arrival of spring has simply meant instead of snowstorms, we get ice storms and bone chilling rain. So far, so good.

I'd really like it if things segued smoothly, regarding the weather. It is good to see the sun shining brightly over head. Yesterday, it felt like it was sunny until 8 p.m.!

HONESTLY, IT LIVED UP TO THE HYPE

For the last few weeks, the first Ali-Frazier fight was kicking around in my thoughts. There was a HBO documentary about it, full of its social significance and its importance to the sports world. It was pretty good. I don't remember the fight, and I was never much of an Ali fan. I mean, I respect him as a figure and what he means to everybody other than Mark, and have no problem with his importance to American culture, African American culture in particular.

As a child, I didn't care for all his name calling. Like most personal humor, it is a fine line that separates a joke from being 'funny' as opposed to being 'mean'. Muhammad Ali may have been playful to some, but it was mean to me. He resembled all the 'cool kids' with their average grades, but like Liz Lemon's Valentine's boyfriend, no one said anything to them. Ali, IMO, lived in a bubble.

Frazier was a family man. Ali didn't just affect Joe, who said as for that, if it was just about him, it would have been different. But his wife, his young children had to endure a lot of messed up stuff. Joe, growing up the son of a sharecropper, was saddled with being called a 'Tom', when maybe he had the more authentic black experience for the time.

When they were trying to get Ali's suspension lifted and his citizenship restored, Frazier gave Ali money to get by. So when everything got straightened out and the fight made, he was truly hurt by what Ali was saying. After all the help he gave to him, the cat was saying some of the meanest, hurtful things you could say to a brother. So for that first fight, Frazier would train with the thoughts of how Ali was wounding his family ... and wounding him. Isn't that always how it goes, it isn't what you do to me, that gets to me. It is when you do something to someone I love, that gets to me.

That is how it was for Smokin' Joe. While Ali did his 'act' with so many fighters that the 'anger' scene seems like it is in the script for boxing matches, with Frazier, it was real. Getting him to be sympathetic to Ali, especially when his Parkinson's was first announced, was like pulling teeth. His position was, 'you can't say some of the things he said about a man, then act like it never happened.'

WHY IS IT LIKE THAT, ANYWAY?

Not that I want to polarize things, but most of y'all aren't black. This is not to say you can't identify, but to really understand ... eh, I don't think you can get there. Maybe Indy can, if she is reading, but I don't expect anyone else to 'get it'. What is it?

'It', is the way that folks from your own 'phenotype class' can be worse than those who aren't. Why are black people so mean to other black people?

One of the areas I lived growing up as a kid, was near Dearborn, over in the 48204. Back then, Mayor Hubbard was as racist as they came, and that is how they rolled in that town. Sometimes, my Mom would have me and my sister Jan, carry the rent payment up to the landlord over there.

In a case of 'knowing the environment', I wasn't too worried about being across Wyoming, because I knew that if anyone was coming towards me, they weren't going to be asking me about the weather! So, getting thru Dearborn wasn't the most difficult thing. It was on the Detroit side of the street that was the problem.

Same with some of the interests I have, some of the cultural interests, why is it seen as a repudiation of my 'blackness'? You can't win for losing, as Joe Frazier saw in his rivarly with Ali. Muhammad grew up in a 'safe and stable home', while it was said that Joe's hook was developed from cutting down crops in the South Carolina heat ... thought that was more common a experience for blacks in the late 50's and 60's than the one Ali grew up in, if not one that many more who could identify with.

WELL, I WAS DUE ONE LIKE THIS

A really rambling kind of entry. The stuff that I can take care of, is taken care of. This has been a ragged month for me. But I am still above .500, State is going to get a chance to beat the Jayhawks again (can they? this is so NOT the same Kansas team they blew out in East Lansing). Thinking about the first Frazier-Ali fight always bring the contradictions out of me, regarding me and my relationship with 'my people'.

For folks who have so much trouble with typing, it seems like black people are quick to pigeon hole and lable people. Some of it, I think is understandable. But for the most part, it acts as a rigid structure, that doesn't let many dream, or concieve of what could be possible.

Read Tony Dungy's book 'Quiet Strength' a couple of times now. Good read, period. Going to get start on something that is on the other side of the room from that, by reading Robert Greene's '33 Strategies of War'.

For anyone who tried to read this, I would suggest you take two Advil and get a hug or give one, to someone you love! Yikes! Can things be any messier than this?

Okay ... I PROMISE ...

Song for the spring ...

... and maybe the summer too! But first ...

SPORTS ... AS LIFE!

Purdue and State have advanced to the Sweet Sixteen. Didn't catch the Purdue game, so I don't know how Jimmy Chit-, er, Robbie Hummel played. I like his game. He always finds something to do to help his team.

The State game against USC was very intriguing. I think that the more atheletic players were on the USC squad, and they were actually bigger at key positions than State. But Tom Izzo is a very good coach, and he molds TEAMS. They play well together, and rarely come apart in close, tense games. The game Sunday was a case in point.

Near the end of the game, with the Spartans ahead by no more than a couple of baskets, if you studied the shots of the teams benches ... the State bench players were composed, and ready. Meanwhile, the Trojans seemed to have a hole in their composure. It looked like they were expecting to lose, instead of believing that the players on the court could do the job, it seemed like they were saying, "...dag, if Coach put me in, I could do it better than they could!"

Their body language was all over the place. The players on the court also played frazzled. State players, were as Stuart Scott of ESPN would say, were as "cool as the other side of the pillow."

The Spartans did what they have been doing most of the decade, won their first two games and made the Sweet Sixteen. They are due a Final Four, as no senior class has graduated without a chance at it. That speaks to the stability and consistency in East Lansing. To be able to say with no hesistancy, 'come play for State, and you will get a shot at a national championship,' is a big draw. There is another character trait about Coach Izzo that I think is important, but later for that.

"Expect victory." That is what Gary Barnett told his players at Northwestern when he was their football coach. I wonder if the coach told something like that to the Lady Cardinal as they took the floor against Pat Summit and the Lady Vols Sunday.

That Ball State went to Knoxville and won that game, was EASILY the biggest upset in college sports in the last 25 years ... it was the girls first torunament game, and they beat a team that history essentially built women's college basketball. This is huge. Watching the story on ESPN, the Cardinal's women team were extremely loose as if they couldn't lose. And they didn't! I wonder if Beth caught the news ... I will be sure to mention it when I get over to 'the Junction"!

WHO SHOULD I BELIEVE IN?

Though like most 'in between' teens, I had songs that 'spoke' for me, like 'How Soon Is Now?', and 'Once In A Lifetime' (which is still a great song for any situation), the idea of a 'song for a season' didn't stike me until I heard Costeau's mellow, 'Last Good Day of the Year', earlier in the decade. I remember thinking how do you know when it is the last good day of the year, and really does it mean more than whether or not it is a balmy fall day?

Then this band !!! (Chk, Chk, Chk), a too cool for school New York band, did a song called, 'The Feel Good Hit of the Fall'. While bubble gum pop will produce a jaunty tune for the masses, I really hadn't heard a 'seasonal' song until now.

Most of my recent music is still on portable storage, so I am still listening to my CD's and tapes. One that has been 'stuck' in my tape player has a bunch of really good songs, that have my spirit all over it.

FRAPMTON COMES ALIVE

It seems like there was a time folks made light of the super huge success that Peter Frampton had. Was he a one-hit wonder? I know I never really cared, because that album was so super cool.

*sigh* Okay, I don't have all the memory I once had, but I have the emotions and the feelings that are anchored by events and 'things'. I can still 'feel' being over in the 48235, and Northland Mall was still a real shopping center and people carried 'ghetto blasters' on their shoulders.

I liked 'Do You Feel Like I Do', but like the entire free world, 'Show Me The Way', was THE song. Still is, isn't it?

Not going to question what it means to anyone, but like all works of art, the beauty is in the eye of the beholder, eh?

YES DARLA, I AM RUNNING OVER ...

... but that is okay. I am feeling like I look, and I look good, dontcha know!

Who can I believe in?
I'm kneeling on the floor
There has to be a force, who do I phone?

I can remember seeing Nebraska when I was at the bus station. When I was out on a run, and 'Show Me The Way' came up, that was the scene that popped into my head. Now I had already felt strong about Nebraska (the person), and while the idea of going there was in my 'top twenty', it wasn't a pressing thought. But after I had met her on line, it moved into my 'top ten'. "The stars are out and shining, but all I really want to know ..."

... and I think y'all should know the rest.

I have been 'practicing' being a friend, with AKA, the Fly Skimmie, and Tee Jay. I making sure I don't get sucked down with, in the way of, or put upon by anyone. I want to get and alter my character, because I am going to get yet another chance at reaching for the brass ring, and there are some things that I don't want to factor in against that happening.

I wonder if I'm dreaming
I feel so unashamed
I can't believe this is happening to me

And sometimes, I can't believe that it is. I am going to get the umpteenth chance to pull things together and get after 'it'. The goal isn't the road, but the road is the goal. One of the things I got out of the 'Desperation' story by Stephen King, my life is one that is going to be about the people I meet, the friendships I have, and being as 'there' for those I love as the fates allow me to be.

That sounds pretty darn good to me!

Feeling like I feel!!!

Does it get any better than this?

Cold pizza, Astoria cookies, NPR on the radio, NCAA basketball tournament on, and I am wondering if for this stage of life, does it get any better than this?

State looked like State. They play a hard nosed, 'real bully' basketball, meaning that they pound the ball on the inside until the game is over, and make you try to stop it. Been a very successful formula, as they are one of the leaders in the stat that shows a teams toughness, rebounding margin. Along with Pitt, no one questions who is the toughest team on the court when the Spartans step on the court.

Doesn't mean they are the most talented team, and they rarely run away and hide from the opposition. But they are going to pound you, for sure. Yes Angela, 'they are who you thought they were'. Michigan, in their first game, stood tall. In the Freep, the columnist Mitch Rosenberg wrote the follow about the start of Michigan's game with Clemson: A few minutes into the game, Clemson's speed, length and leaping ability were so overwhelming that the Wolverines weren't just in danger of losing -- they appeared to be in actual physical danger. I pictured the game ending with ambulances at courtside and Manny Harris wandering through a cloud of smoke looking for his teammates.
Apparently, I wasn't alone.
"You know, the first couple of minutes, I was like, 'DANG!' " U-M freshman Zack Novak said. You could see in the first half we struggled with it. I feel like I'm boxing out. They're getting rebounds. We came in at halftime and said, 'Look. They're athletic. But we just gotta be fundamental.' "

And that they were able to hang tough, was something very 'un-Michgan like'. I have never thought of the Wolverines as a tough, character program. But their new basketball coach, came up the hardscrabble way, winning with the players he could get. At Michigan, he should get better players. And I do think he is a good, solid coach.

'ELI STONE' IS A MEMORY

Sometimes a television show fills a niche, but the niche lies outside of a marketable demographic. For instance, I have watched '30 Rock' from the start, but at first, I was among a small group. Fortunately, the rest of that group was a segment that advertisers wanted to reach, and the critics loved the show. So it lived to grab all the Emmy's within it's grasp, and is a strong performer at water coolers.

'James at 16', was not so fortunate. Neither was 'Square Pegs, 'My So-Called Life','Joan of Arcadia', all shows that I thought were really shows made for people who shared more than a few of the same feelings as I do. Feel that way about 'Secret Life of an American Teen'. Would love to sit and watch that with my ... well, you know.

Anywho, I definitely thought that about 'Eli Stone'. Not only did I love the songs and the musical scenes, but there spirit of the show appealed to me as well. Getting 'visions' to lead him to do the right thing ... doesn't that sound like what I am doing out here, bumps and warts and all the mess involved with making a big change in a life?

Not to mention my 'challenges', which spring up on occasion. I deal with them as everyone else deals with theirs. Again, I look at it as something that 'like a few billion others' on the planet, are doing. Got problems? Issues eating away at you? Can I suggest this fine dish of 'GET THE HECK OVER IT' to go with that whine you are drinking?

Because, if you aren't doing the former, more than likely you are doing the latter. Meanwhile, life is going on, and the spot that was possibly yours, is being filled by someone else.

WHAT, ME WORRY?

Oh man ... haven't had to put this disclaimer in for awhile, but not that it meant that I wasn't ... but I am a happy cat! I feel a little guilty, because people will (and have!!) told me I should be 'this' instead of being 'that', like they are related to one another (again, when has 'this and that' ever BEEN related?). I don't worry about what people say. Why SHOULDN'T I be happy? It's 'a wonderful life', and it can only get better.

It makes me feel for people who have a life, but I guess they don't know what to do with it. There are some folks who are miserable, no matter what good things they have in their life. They go and deliberately find stuff to feel bad about, remembering and living in the hurt that they have lived beyond. And then they justify why they feel bad ...

... that is something I can't do. Can't do it. I suffer through disappointments, to be sure. But I shake it out, and get after it one more again.

Anywho, I am looking forward to 'sticking to my script', and tightening up stuff around here. I go thru stuff, a little at a time ... won't have to worry about getting things up for travel until my birthday. First window should be opening around then, and I would like to be ready.

OH WOW ...

Did say that I would talk about my 'spring song'. I will, promise. Wrote enough for the weekend.

MADNESS ...!

...because I am not 'in' to it.


Watched some of the games on the first day of the NCAA Men's basketball tournamen. Michigan, Carolina won. Expect State to do the same tonight. Can't help but feel that something is missing from the tourney this year. My thoughts are occupied with how cool NEXT spring is going to be!

Now, if this should happen to FOOTBALL ... anywho, watching 'Ellen', and Paul Rudd drops an Adam and the Ants reference!! That is the Digg - The Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon in full effect! Oprah 'skyped' in, and I like her with her hair down.

Yes, I have ALWAYS thought Oprah was attractive. Big, little, it made me no never mind! Don't watch the show as much as I used to, but catch it in bits and pieces. Same with her boy, 'Dr. Phil'. Though this week, he has been doing a series on young marriages and the was something about women who abuse men, it didn't hold me.

I don't think anything is going to hold my attention until I get to Nebraska.

LOVE RUNNING MORE

This is the only way I can describe why I am optimistic about what lies ahead for me. I mean, it isn't something that everyone is doing and other folks are better at it than I am. Still, is doesn't mean that I am not getting something out of it, and that it isn't worth the effort.

As soon a someone can convince me that it is better to be awash in self pity, guilt, and doubt, I will do that. But they will need to be pretty persuasive! Can't ever recall where any of that stuff got anyone anything. How can it? How would they ever be able to recognize when 'good got better', if they are being so mournful?

You could have them write out their version of what would make them happy, but if you put them in there, would they really know what 'it' is? Give them a map, would they have the courage to go to where 'it' was?

One of the reasons I talk about how to get into shape, is that out of all the things that was going on in my life, the absolute one thing I had control over was me (and my thoughts). I think that if you have an interest or passion, when your life start to lap over the rim, you should go to what you know. Figure out how equate your problems in terms of what you know. Then, solve for them.

Euclidean Geometrey, Quantum Physics ... they are hard. Life though, isn't. It may not be EASY, but I believe ('believe' as in I KNOW) that if a person works at what they want, they can have it. Every now and then, I feel a shiver in my soul, thinking about going to Nebraska. It won't be something I roll out of bed and say, "What shall I do this fine, fine, day? I know, lets ride and stop in the middle of nowhere and pitch a tent!

I don't expect anything bad to happen, because that is not what I am working for. Is it a mission to failure? No, not if I take care of all the things I have to, to build my life.

Now that I am at the 'end', I have to wonder if this is even coherent. I am closer to being 'balanced' than not, and that is something I think undoes a lot of folks. So used to dealing with the storm, the calm seas makes them nervous.

NEXT: The song for this spring!

Okay ... no 'UNFORGIVEN' spoilers!

I WILL FIGURE OUT ANOTHER WAY ...

... to get that point across. It is such a great movie, and I thought EVERYBODY had seen it...

You know, I think that is one of the problems in communicating, that because you think something is widespread, doesn't mean that it has spread everywhere. That is one of the reasons I don't mind getting 'roughed up' so much. I figure there is something to learn from whatever it was, as lesson are often concealed in difficulty.

Sometimes, it is hidden in disappointment as well.

SCRATCH ONE OFF THE LIST

As it is, I am not as 'into' the idea of this 'Ex list' as I was years ago when I started. Not because I don't think anything of the people on it, but because 'live and let live' is much more than an overused phrase. It is something that I think is a good idea.

I don't pester anyone, and I don't try to be (too) coy with people. Besides, I like imagining the 'things I know I don't know.' Said to Nebraska the other day, how much I like doing that about her town. At first, I don't think she got it. Looking forward to something that you don't even know exists? Maybe it doesn't make sense to some, but it does for me.

Detroit is a fine place, home of good Americans ... and I do think that there is plenty of opportunity here, despite its troubles. I can remember going to other big cities as a kid, and being glad to come back to Detroit, because I thought it looked so much better. Not so much anymore, but I do remember that it was, once.

Could be again.

Do think that the local politics has to change. 40 years of the status quo has resulted in Detroit being isolated from the rest of the state. If they don't get the deal up and running for the Cobo Center, the city could lose the Auto Show.

To me, that is deep. Where else would you think to have the North American Auto Show? Hoboken??

DON'T YOU EVER, DON'T YOU EVER ... LOWER YOURSELF, FORGETTING ALL YOUR STANDARDS

I like the glam of Adam and the Ants! First saw them do their thing on Dick Clark's show and I wanted to run around and be just like them! It would seem judging by their US record sales, I may have been the only one!

There was a local record store (remember those?) that I used to go to, Harmony House that seemed to have every record ever recorded. I used to go to the one up Grand River, in Farmington, I believe. They had locations all over though, but the one in Farmington was near a comic store that I used to go to, and if I am not mistaken, some sort of park or gaming thingy was out that way too ...

... but I digress. Skye lives not too far from there, if I am not mistaken. The area has changed so much from the days I was out there, me and 'the warriors of the wild frontier'!

Oh, 'the warriors' were all in my imagination! That was something that me and my brother did, create our own alternate realities and live in them. Sorta of like I am doing now, thinking about my 'Prince Charming' days, and imagining what it is going to be like in Nebraska. I think that was another Adam Ant song ... anywho, I cast myself in the role of 'Prince Charming', because that is who I wanted to be.

More than I think that I am handsome or anything, I am a super charming cat. Not suave, because don't think I am smooth, but charming. I make people feel at ease in their own skin, prolly cause I am comfortable in mine. While I admit to screwing up what I screwed up, I think that not liking yourself is the start of a lot of problems for people. One of the first things that I look to change, when I don't like my surroundings, is ME!

That's why I think that I am going to have a good summer. I am going to 'do my thing'. One of the reasons that 'Unforgiven' instantly resonated with me, is that as well as being a love story, it is a tale of redemption. No more clues, but you have to think that you can be 'brought out' before you actually come out of wherever it is you are from.

Being 'brought into something' and then being 'brought out' should be a familiar idea. What amazes me, is how many people seemingly forget that thought. On some vital level, they forget themselves, and lose faith. Without faith, when things get difficult, you will lose heart.

I do think, a part of faith is acknowledging one's weakness. When I stopped doing certain things that I thought were making me happy, and begin to do stuff that really made me feel fulfilled, I enjoyed life even more.

Oh, as to who or what got 'scratched off'? Doesn't really matter now, does it? Going to move ahead and get ready to move out west!

Movie Week: What was it to you?

IT'S A LOVE STORY!!

Though I haven't spoken to her in a month of Sunday's, for SD, every movie ever we'd watch together would be boiled down to that. In many ways, she is right about this one... "The Unforgiven." It is a love story. Whatever his late wife saw in him, William Munny let it come out for her. Not to mention for his dear friend Ned.

Whatever she saw in him, it made him drop the life he was leading, to become a farmer, a husband, and a father. But while he may have been good in the latter two roles, the first, a farmer, he wasn't doing to well. And with two young children to bring up, ol' William Munny was having the dickens of a time. One day, a visitor comes calling.

The Schoefield Kid, some young teen who wanted to start off his life of being a gunfighter, remembered his father telling of William Munny, and if he wanted to go off in that direction, that he was the man to go see. That was a lifetime ago, and the William Munny that was here now, was not who 'The Kid' expected. But he knew he needed some help, and he figures he couldn't do any worse.

William wasn't going to ride with out his close friend, Ned. Despite the obvious disapproval of his woman, Ned rides out, and they go after the bounty.

If you have seen this movie, you know it like I do. So lets go to where William and 'The Kid' collect their money for the killing of the cats who were responsible for cutting up their friend.

The girl who paid them, the one that was slashed and who William Munny didn't take an 'advance' out on, let them in on what happened to his friend, Ned. When they went to shoot the slasher, Ned 'froze', Kid nerves were janglin', and it took cool (or should that be 'cold'?) William to get things together. Ned admitted that his nerves were shot, and rode for home. William and The Kid stayed to get their money.

Well, the Jenny had to tell them that the posse caught up to Ned, and that Little Bill (the town sheriff, played by Gene Hackman in a bravura performance) tortured out the info, and that they left Ned's corpse up in front of the saloon, to serve as a warning.

Oh, and that his 'friend', the cat that he and the kid was riding with, was THE William Munny.

REMORSELESS

Earlier in the film, the posse, led again by Little Bill, beat the snot out of William Munny, trying to send and example, as he had did with 'English Bob', an earlier would-be bounty hunter. They treated him with disdain, and didn't even acknowledge that they were quite possibly be dealing with one of the most dangerous men in the plains.

That is how far William Munny had come from is 'early burglary years'. It wasn't until the Jenny recounted the reputation of William Munny, did the Schoefield Kid realize that he prolly didn't know HALF of what the man he was riding with, was capable of. And like the first cold breezes of an oncoming storm front, the mood shifted. And everyone knew that they were as good as standing in the presence of the grim reaper himself.

What did he tell the now frightened Kid, who himself had killed a man, and found himself unable to stomach it? "Ain't gonna do nothing to you Kid, you're the only friend I got."

One thing that I knew, is that for sure, Ned's woman was going to get his share. William Munny told the kid to take his and Ned share to her. While William may have been killed, facing Little Bill and his posse alone, you wouldn't want to take that chance.

That money got there, and to the penny.

"YOU BE WILLIAM MUNNY, THE KILLER WOMEN AND CHILDREN"

Don't know if the score was nominated, but it surely could have been. The music was somber and heavy, without a glimmer of hope when William Munny rode quietly in on the celebration of the posse in the town saloon.

When he rode past the effigy made out his friend, I felt the temperature drop in my room, and as I watched the scene. I remember someone saying that Mike Tyson (at his 'most awesomeness', and anyone who says they don't remember him being considered that, is LYING!) carried with him an 'aura of palpable menace' with him. While I am too stupid to have ever been afraid of Mike Tyson, I think I would have been afraid of William Munny, particularly on that night!!

When he entered the saloon, obvious yet unnoticed, I could feel the dread. He called out the saloon owner, and shot him. His reply to the statement that '...shot an unarmed man', was, '...that he should have armed himself, if he is going to decorate his saloon with my friend!'

He only had a shotgun out, and he had fired one shot. Little Bill gave the order to kill him after he fired his one shot, which to be sure, was going to be aimed at Little Bill. But when it misfired, they had their chance.

For what it was worth.

He reached for his sidearms, and his bullets cut thru the room like a scythe, cutting down anyone who dared raise a weapon at him. After the firefight, he let the cowardly (or intelligent, take your pick!) run out of the back. When Little Bill stirred, trying to shoot him, Munny see him and kicks the gun out of his hand.

"I'll see you in hell", he hissed as William stood over him.

"Yeah." And with that, William Munny dispatched Little Bill to his maker. I loved that he said "Yeah," to that. It is something that I would say to anyone who has the temerity to wish a curse similiar to that upon me.

SOONER OR LATER: The conclusion!

Movie Week

FIRST THOUGH, A WORD ABOUT NAME CALLING

Doesn't matter what you are called. It matters what you answer to.

When someone projects their anguish at me, I usually let them. I feel that they may need to get it off their chest more than my ego needs to be stuck up for. Like the lady said in that song, "call me what you like".

I don't get into verbal spats too often because I have always been a 'sticks and stones' kind of guy. When I was young, and I would tell my Mom what the kids at school would say about her, she'd tell me things like, "Tell them, "Yeah, Mom was turning tricks like the Tigers turn double plays!" They'd lose some heart, since I was taking the fun out of their taunts.

Then, there are the 'the things we know that we don't know.' I know I have made some HUGE mistakes. Some I may have been aware of at the time, the possibility for making an error was huge. But what can you do?

'Man up' was first introduced to me earlier this decade by Judge Mathis, as he was a panelist on Tavis Smiley's 'State of the Black Family' on CNN one February. I thought to myself, "How are you to 'man up', when you don't know what being a man, is?"

I put my stuff out, because it is mine and I own it, I own ALL of it. I don't cry about things (at least too much!) not going my way, because I feel that it would shut off the favor that life has shown me, and INTENDS to show me.

Could try to make a case, but why? I am well aware that I have had things 'better' than many folks, but things have been thisclose at times as well, to being the worst of possible outcomes. That is why I am fond of saying, 'I will take what it is I have got,' and try to work with that.

One of the few things that I do feel confident in using a 'blanket' on, is that if you can say crap things, do crap to people for no other reason than to do crap to them, then you are no better (which means, they are 'less than') than whatever venom you spew out at someone.

Like I said, I am a 'sticks and stones' person. It really matters little what is said to or about me. Life has shown itself to consistently give favor to those who work on their goals tirelessly, and despite what is said or done against them. That isn't something that I made up, it is something that people find solace in, no matter what philosophy or faith they have.

SAVING PRIVATE RYAN

If Tom Hanks isn't my favourite actor, then he is in the top five. 'Ryan' came on the telly this past Sunday, and since State wasn't playing basketball on Sunday, it was easy to decide to watch!

But it wasn't easy watching it. It never is. The battle scene as they land on the beach at Normandy is way, way, intense. Don't know about you, but I have no problem with the moniker Tom Brokaw gave the men and women of that time ... they were indeed 'The Greatest Generation'.

That I was watching it after my Army Sister and I chatted thru an IM, added an extra dimension to my viewing. See, it isn't just that I have family who could be in harms way, or have had family in combat/military service before. It is more that I HAVE service in me, and have done what I had to do that makes it more significant.

Why yes Barbara, even though you won't go to the book store with me, I will still put my life on the line for you. And you won't have to ask twice. You won't have to ask once, to be honest.

Who is going to do it? I am going to do it.

That isn't an opinion or something clever to say, but a matter of fact, that is the way that is, kind of statement. It was something that I thought about when I went into the service myself.

I could remember my Army sister, graduating from High School, testing well enough to go to college, but simply tired of school. She had the grades, and a couple of small scholarship offers from the DAPCEP program here in Detroit. She just was done with school.

So I told her about the service.

Me, I never saw what was wrong with the service, if you could be a crap police officer, or a brave fireman, why not go off and 'defend the country'. I explained that dollar for dollar, you won't get paid the same on the civilian side, but when you start doing a 'total compensation' package, you could get a lot more out of it.

The disclaimer? That you are at the political will of the United States. When Washington wants y'all to go somewhere, that is where you are going to go. It isn't fun or easy. Though you are going to be a REMF, they train you with a rifle for a reason.

After Capt. Miller (Hanks) gets his new orders, he asks for someone who speaks French and German. There is a soldier in the rear who speaks some French and German. He gets told, 'to pick up your weapon and follow me.' That is a line from a cadence that is marched to... for me it went like this

101( repeat 101) ... Combat Soldier (repeat)
Pick up your weapon and follow me (repeat)
Air Mobile Infantry (repeat)

Being in the rear, did not mean you couldn't see combat. It wasn't 'quote, unquote' your 'job' to see it. But there are 'special orders' and saving Private Ryan was an example of this for that admin soldier.

I can say that I would not expect myself to be as cowardly as the cat in the movie ... I know that I wouldn't simply because I KNOW IT.

WHAT IT DID FOR ME

Again, it was a reminder that somewhere in my life and in my soul, is something special. Might not like who does the work to septic system up and functioning, but you are glad that there are folks who can do it, and that they do their job. Like it or no, if you are having some sort of trouble on a block or at a club, you will be glad to see someone like me showing up to 'do my voodoo' for you.

Maybe sometimes I've allowed my character to go weak, but I know beyond all doubt what kind of character is in me. What is surprising to me, is how people can go and live without knowing what is in them, or have the doubts that they aren't who they think THEY ARE.

It was fun chatting my Army Sis. I told her how proud I was for her and her beautiful family. I told her that I understand about what she is dealing with, and she was very appreciative of my support.

And that is more than the bottom line. It is how I roll. Nothing but love, nothing but love for anyone.

ON DECK: THE UNFORGIVEN

More of them ... kinda ..!

RANDOM THOUGHTS


Wow ... I love PJ Harvey. I would say right after Jill Scott, she is my favorite female singer.

I remember watching this performance when I was with Mookie. I happened to be awoke (much like I happen to be awoke now), and caught this performance. For some reason, I didn't even know she was still making music. I went out the next day to get this CD.

There are a bunch of songs on there that I like. No reason to skip over any song, they are all very good. She puts a lot of feeling in her songs, which attracts me. The content is real, not some confection created for the purpose of mass marketing. You have got to want to have her CD's on, and you have got to know she is going to run her nails down your back or slap your face for what ever it is you are doing or have done.

Good stuff!

YEAH, I KNOW ...

State lost ... still a sweet sixteen team. The getting past that to the final four is going to be hard. The NCAA is pretty deep with good teams, and you don't know which of the lesser known schools will get hot this year.

One of the questions I have, is what exactly is a 'mid major' or 'small school'? It isn't like they are any less expensive, is it? Any one who can give away a scholarship, isn't 'small' to me. I understand that other universities and colleges place more emphasis on sports ... why don't they let them go compete in their own 'open class' division? Pay the cats that they bring in from their impoverished rural areas and infested urban decay?

I used to have a whole spiel about that ... now, not so much. Think that there is definitely something shyster about the entire process. The basketball tournament is as foul as the football system. Seven, eight teams from one conference, with a record of 19 -11, while another school is 25-6, and they stay home. Doesn't seem right, does it?

IDES OF MARCH

I used to think of that phrase the same way I would think of 'PSK, what does that mean?'! A catchall kind of phrase that I would throw in, just to disrupt the conversation. Maybe something was going over my head, or I just felt like trying to change the topic. Sort of like Norm MacDonald's '... or so the Germans would have you believe', line he used on his run doing 'Weekend Update' on SNL.

For me, I use it when someone is talking about something and it is either something questionable or an attempt at manipulation. What ever it is, I have my doubts about what was said.

There was a little blurb on the AOL main page that had a link to the '13 Women to Avoid'. Of course they also had a link for the 'Men to Avoid' as well. Wasn't groundbreaking, but I thought they did alright.

EARLY SPRING?

That would be something, wouldn't it? But I hope it would mean that it got all the way up into the 70's in late May. That would be pretty neat, if a nice spring blended into a warm summer.

I have always thought that when the temperature is just a smidge warmer ... in the mid 50's, that is the best time to go running. As it is, I am stretching out my work on the road, bumping up my distance. Not necessarily to lose extra weight, though that is a part of it. I want to be able to run a marathon, which is why I am going to get a schedule of how I should up my mileage.

Right now, I can get a half marathon no problem. It is wrapping my mind around going thru that wall that has me 'stuck'.

Hutch lives in 48170 ... I have ran from there to my Dad's place before. but it is going beyond that, which is where my mind shuts down. I could take it all the way Downtown ... and that is my goal, to do it at least once before fall.

Okay ... eyelids are drooping! Night y'all!

Just a freakin' thought (or two!!)

SO I REMEMBER TO ASK MY FELLOW CITIZENS ABOUT ...

Saw on the front page of the Detroit News (I read the Freep ... today's hasn't been read yet) about the schools budget deficit being bigger than estimated. Gee, hadn't we heard that one before, by Connie Calloway, the PREVIOUS school superintendent?

Wonder what is making it so much more palatable and easier to swallow now? Could it be that it is someone who is an 'insider' a person who is already a part of the Detroit system? I don't know ... got to read the story, but I think it is par for the course. So much civic waste in this town, with its shrinking tax base and corrupt officials, I wonder if a city this big can go into receivership?

Does anyone feel sorry for Christine Beatty? She is the 'other woman' in the Kwame Kilpatrick case ... she is due out of the pokey in a day or so ... soon is the better word, since I can't call it. But she is supposed to pay the city back, but she is also toxic when it comes to getting a job.

Maybe someone will employ her, and I am not talking about McDonald's. I mean, I figure she has to know someone, has a contact somewhere and her degree, of course, to market something. But I have a hard time 'feeling' anything regarding her.

I keep seeing the kind of lassie (I am sure that 'her boy' Kwame was the kind of guy that ...) made high school a mine field for me. She got caught up playing her game, being the 'Honey Brown' to Kwame's 'Slick Willie'. Together, they've cost the city millions of dollars.

No, it isn't fair that Kwame gets 'the hook up' from Peter Karmanos, set up nice and plush in Texas, while Christine gets the ziggy. She has been living hand to mouth for quite awhile, over extending herself as far as zip code and other gaudy things. Oh, and the affair cost her, her marriage. No, it isn't fair ... but then, what is?

State is looking like the Big Ten champion. This looks like a Tom Izzo Final Four team. The ones that make it that deep, rarely have smooth seasons, always 5 to 6 losses, with a stinker or two thrown in. But because he schedules his teams so tough, when they finish strong like this was has, they are really tournament ready.

Not glamorous, but built for success. State is going to make some noise!!

That is it for now. Wanted to write stuff down to remind me to look it up again when I get the chance. Everyone have a great weekend, it is going to be spring soon!!

More Words ...

BECAUSE THINGS HAPPEN SUDDENLY AND WITHOUT WARNING ...

... that is why when 'it' is 'triggered' ...

... 'it' is said to be on a 'hair trigger'. As I have mentioned, there is sort of a storm of things swirling about, that has me 'in state'. Not that anything is preventing me from doing what needs to be done, but like the high winds that have blown thru here recently, they are going thru my life, and all I can do is let them blow.

That is all anyone really can do, when life decides to blow at you ... let life blow. The things you can control, you control. That is what all this is about for me, I guess. Trying to let things blow over until things are calmer.

What was it that prompted this 'state' I am in? Can't say, other than 'take your pick'. The first couple of days of March started ingloriously, and honestly things haven't really gotten much better. Not ready to listen to 'Doll Parts' just yet, but I am trying to live thru this!

FIVE FOR FIGHTING ..?

Or is it 'nifty at fifty'? How many partners is it before you decide you want to settle down?

Where my 'count' is now, I won't tell. Nor am I going to tell what it was when I got married. But I did think that I had 'sowed my wild oats' while in the service, and when I ETS'd, it was with a ring in tow, because I thought that it was the logical step for me.

Was it bad intel, or like the warhawks in the Bush administration, was it the ignoring and creating poor intel, poor analysis and bad policy, that led us into Iraq, that had me marry my wife? It could have been all that, contributing to me getting married to someone who was NOT the one. I was so focused on getting married and building a life, that I kept on despite every thing else...

I have never seen anyone want to get tackled by someone who says they are a linebacker. But plenty of people enjoy putting up their hands, pretending to take a fighting stance, and cutesy-woo say, 'I'll fight you'. I really can't 'show' you what makes me a participant in boxing, the way that a good basketball player can pick up a basketball and start dropping in rainbow jumpers or blocking a shot in a pick up game in the park. Not too sure if anyone asks a someone who plays linebacker or one of the line positions to show them how they play football when they 'do what they do'.


But when it came to telling my ex wife that I box ... maybe because fundamentally, it is simple to the average observer, that they feel the urge to 'put up their dukes' and pretend to have a go at it. I vaguely recall some news magazine show where the reporter asked a pro wrestler if wrestling was fake.

The cat asking the question got cuffed by the behemoth, who asked, "Is this fake? Is this fake?", as he slapped him about the head. And that is why a pro wrestler normally doesn't face questions like that! But my wife often would playfully 'box' at me. She is the ONLY PERSON EVER to do that in my life. Even going to watch me train and despite the respect that others would show for my ability, she really believed that she could 'beat me up'. Man, talk about foreshadowing.

... and she was who I thought she was...

Because my observations of her are just that, my observations, I would tell 'new' people that, as I am saying here, that because we don't get along doesn't mean that you would not like her. In fact, it wasn't until our lone meet last year that she knew how I felt around her, and how she made me feel while we were together.

Before, when we were doing our weekend thing with Skye, I'd never let myself be alone with her. It wasn't until I went out to see her and our daughter last year, that being alone with her had happened. Sort of gets like that when you have to deal someone who has put you in peril of your life. And it gets even more surreal, when people put the havoc in the household when one existed, on you, when you are the only one getting hit, threatened, and sent to the hospital.

Yes Alison, the flags were there, but I did not pay them any heed. Her parents used to go at it, I would eventually find out. Me, I hadn't even CONSIDERED fighting between spouses. Since I hadn't seen it, how did I know that it happened? Movies? Television?? Didn't have conversations in school about it, and it isn't like that is something kids chat about at the lunch table anywho.

My rationale for marrying my ex wife? I have told myself that I married her because I wanted to marry someone, because I had a set of rings, and engagement as well as a wedding ring when I came home from the Army.

You got to do something to get what you want ... and since I wanted to be married, despite the little advice I did receive ('little' in that things went too quick for any of it to root up), and in spite of what I got from 'intelligence' and 'boots on the ground' feed back, I married her.

Les Brown told a story of a young man who worked for him, who said he wanted a car. Les told him to pray on it, and he did. A few months later, the young man had his car, but now he was complaining of the car payments to the finance company.

Mr. Brown then said to the young man, "You should have prayed for the car to be yours and paid for!"

The lesson: Ask for what you want, in painstaking detail. Be complete and detailed, and it will come your way. In spite of all odds. And I forgot to ask for someone who wasn't mean to me, who wasn't willing to talk things out, and who was capable of violence. Had I asked for that ... still, I do think of some of that stuff as 'standard' when you meet someone, don't you? I don't remember anyone talking about '... and I want them to have dreamy eyes, dresses well, and oh yeah, I don't want them to have a big right hand or be handy with frying pans, and I hope they don't leave me with bruises that show ...

Even being a victim of (man, it is HARD to think of myself that way, but that is what it is) domestic violence, it is hard to conceive of doing anything other than getting away and staying away. And like I have said, when my family found reason to back my ex wife's play ... again, not trying to justify anything, only saying what I felt.

Anyway, that is what I think, what I believe, and what I KNOW. And how is it a slug like me, goes about his day with a smile, even after 'something or other' has occurred in my life? Ask for it, and its yours ... and be COMPLETE about what you want! Why yes, Emily, I haven't always been ... well, after all that is what YOU see. Since when I look in the mirror and don't see 'that guy', I don't know what to tell you. What I can tell you is that despite what anyone may think, I still get to sit and ask of life what it is that I want. I will prolly find it along with ol' Andy Dufrense and Red on the coast in Mexico, and chill with a cool beer, and runnin' tours on a boat.

Chilling, I tell you, chilling. Like it or not, life is STILL what you make it. And I have decided to make mine Marvel!

BUT BEFORE I DO THAT

One of the journals that I read, has a line in it, "If I get there before you do, I am obligated to bore a hole and pull you through." I would like to think that there is some of that in me, and it isn't necessarily dependent on you liking me. Being that way, having that as a part of my 'forward positioning' approach, that sometimes it gets me into trouble. Every now and then I get my nose bloodied. Don't know if anyone has fought with a broken nose or badly split lip, but it is not the most fun.

Often, it isn't even about what I think of you that matters, either. I see a lot of that in folks I deal with, the 'splinter in the eye' kind of thing. Learned that people who are 'splinter seer's' prolly got their own 'what's what' to be dealing with. I don't need to try to get back or anything. People are who they are, and if someone doesn't like me, it doesn't mean that they won't need something of me. I am still going to be the 'me' I want myself to be ...

... that friend you have met on the 'backroads of life.'

That is how I feel, that I am 'obligated to pull someone thru.' The winds are dying down and the old spirits from the past are growing silent. Right now, I am just reading, dropping in exactly 'two cents', and not letting any self satisfaction slip into my online presence. Most of what got me all angsty and ready to listen to the Cure and pout about things, is gone.

Yes, the winds are mostly died down now. I will be alright.