WONDER WHAT HEMMINGWAY WOULD MAKE OF THE TIMES

This time is different.  It certainly feels different.

Personally, several “allies” have reached out to me and offered their condolences and apologies for the systemic issues that have been highlighted in the killings of Ahmed Aubrey, George Lloyd, and Breona Taylor (and her boyfriend) recently.  I spoke sincerely with each one (including my  once and current partner) and I was left feeling better about myself and the world.  That is my OBJECTIVE perspective.  PERSONALLY… Well, this IS a journal about my wanderings in this “whatever” that we call reality, so let’s get to it!

Of COURSE, the George Lloyd incident, like with the Ahmed Aubrey incident, landed in my wheelhouse.  If I could see myself as Aubrey, you HAVE to know that I, too, am George Lloyd in a way that is way more direct and personal than claiming to “be” him in a spiritual way.  In fact, visiting my “old” new girlfriend, I had a moment at the gas station across the street from her apartment complex that could have easily lent itself to the possibility of a similar incident here in Omaha.

I had only finished working (at the Papillion Landing Rec Center) and had rode about 6 miles from work to the gas station. Processing my surroundings as I adjusted to a new and unfamiliar route, I had not eaten or had anything to drink for most of the day.  In fact, that is what drove me to stop at the gas station.  A piece of candy and a non-carbonated drink was on my mind and then the fog would be lifted.  Only I had not finished my transaction.

My bank card was due a replacement, which I did not know that at the time.  Because of my stupor, I was unresponsive to the cashier and there was a line forming behind me.  When I finally understood that my card was declining, the guy who was behind me had simply paid for my purchase.  I thanked him and took my leave.  It was not until I had sat down and had a drink or two of the sweet tea and a piece of the candy I bought from the gas station that I was able to understand what had just taken place.  The similarity was close… of course this was in Omaha and not Minneapolis, but I don’t know how different Omaha IS from Minneapolis.  My partner has already expressed her concern for me, this coming right after the Aubrey incident.  Now here I was, zoning out at a convenience store that may be similar to the one that George Lloyd was in… hell, I don’t know.  Yet, as Louis CK once opined, “...but MMMAAAYYBBEEE…”, which is the position I would have been in.  At least as far as the narrative would have gone… “he should not have been trying to pass an invalid debit card off when trying to make a purchase”.

So, yeah.  There has been that.  Still have not had the courage to go back out and run since Ahmed was shot and now I do wonder when I will go to the next quick stop for a snack.  These are among the considerations that you have to make when you are African-American, and in the Lloyd case, it does not matter if your path crosses that of a member of another minority.  YOU, the African American, in this country because your ancestors were STOLEN from their homeland… you are always and still, THE OTHER.

As I mentioned at the start, the conversations and ACTIONS of others in my circle are what gives me hope that this time, this will be different.  I can only hope that the impact within the African-American community can not only be strong, but long-lasting.  We should be ACCORDED respect… it is not something that should be asked for, as a member of society and as a human being.  The look of indifference on Officer Chavous' face as he consciously choked the life out of George Lloyd is haunting.  But it is also the look of indifference that many White Americans have of African-Americans.  Though every group can speak of their own slights within American society, African-Americans, have grievances that shadows the country like no other (yeah, I know about the Native Americans… this is NOT that story).

When I think about the last time there was a social uproar like this, the Rodney King riots, there was more distance from the act itself… the riots were in response to the officers getting away  with little damage, not the beating.  This time, the reaction went hand in hand with the incident of grievance.  That this was seen by everyone who had eyes to see it for what it was, the snuffing out of a life, has kept the dialogue up in the social consciousness for a longer time.

I am not sure if this means that there will be changes to policing, insofar as how they deal with the various communities that they serve.  To me, “to serve and protect” has always meant that the ones who were “served and protected” were the white, elite classes of people.  It has never meant what it is widely assumed to mean, to serve and protect the public at large.  KRS-One once made a rap about “the sound of the police” and in his lyrics he blurred the word “overseer” into “officer”, hinting that officers of the law are more the enforcer of rules provided by the plantation owner, not the people.  The only line of demarcation that exists in mankind is the line between the have and have nots.  It is on the level of institution, not individual, that needs to be shaken.

MEANWHILE, IN OTHER NEWS

Yes, Kitty and I are a couple again.  Even though I did have a brief interaction with another person, Kitty and I have always had open lines of communication and I believe that the both of us have grown over the past year.  We have talked about some of what was not constructive in our relationship and I have been assured that we will be able to talk through everything between us as we move ahead.

I have always been leery of the “chip off the old block” stuff.  There are so many qualities and reasons for behaviour that I have felt that it was lazy to attribute things to your parents.  Statements like, “You are just like your father/mother…” seem to lack imagination, and the vague notion that you are not yourself but owe your character to a force outside of yourself would devalue the notion of free will (which, I do not believe in!).  While I know that my other daughters have heard the “you are just like…” statement made after doing or saying something that their Mom thinks I would have said, KT, is sooo much like me that it stills my heart.

The last couple of years we have spent HOURS on the phone talking about life, her ups and downs, and of course… BOYS!  I am very flattered that she considers me a best friend and confidant, and I do try to excise detail from conversations with her Mom about our conversations, so that she can feel secure in sharing with me.  When her Mom pushes for more information, I usually fall back on, “you know that I don’t remember more than that!”, which in itself is a “true half-truth” statement.  If anything, I hope that she gets a chance to visit when the restrictions are lifted and she can spend a couple of weeks with me.

I am about to begin the book, “Can’t Hurt Me”, by David Goggins.  He is a guy who went through three elite military programs run by the Air Force, Army, and Navy.  It talks about his journey from a place of aimlessness to where he is able to compete in ultramarathons and other feats of toughness for charity and the simple sense of personal accomplishment.  One of the reasons that I am back to journaling, is that I need personal accountability that comes with regular journaling.  Which brings me to the next step on my journey… REGULAR JOURNALING.

The drama of the everyday, “the trifles of life”, is not what I want to talk about.  Instead, I want to write and talk about how I can be better at my Rock Steady franchise, be a better person and set goals to achieve.  I wonder how many people who started reading my journal really thought that the guy with traumatic brain injury was REALLY going to move to Omaha and thrive..?  Doesn’t matter, because I ALWAYS BELIEVED in me! 

GENERAL UPDATE

EH ... JUST WHAT'S WHAT WITH A CAT..!

The meet with Nebraska not only exceeded my expectations, but was genuinely a meet between two people who were interested in one another.  I don’t know what this means, but I enjoyed listening to her talk about her newfound appreciation for running and of course, she looked beautiful.  It was a good time and I can see doing brunches and lunches with her periodically (especially since she did not "return the favor" and stand me up as payback for my missing our previous meet!).  And I could just as likely never purposely see her again for the rest of my life.

This is something that I haven’t dealt with directly in my journal for a while, but I did not choose to pick up and live alone* to go and add relationships to my life.  I am not a misanthrope by any stretch of the imagination, but neither do I think of myself as someone who is even interested in sharing experiences with others… which is why I don’t have souvenirs to detail my life’s travels, evidence of my claims to having “done this” and “gone there”.  It has always been enough that the people who were a part of my life knew that I had spent my life doing the things that I have laid claim to and that I have managed to take shots at the things that I have always wanted to do… like living here in Omaha.

For instance, if you stripped away my connection to my hometown’s professional sports teams, and, of course, Michigan State, from my identity, I don’t think anyone would think that I was not bred and born in Omaha.  After all, I only have good things to say about the city, and I feel as if it has embraced me.  I am not only trying to embrace the city back, but I am also trying to ingratiate myself into the social fabric of the local community. Talking about how Omaha compares to Detroit or any other place that I have lived in would be counter-productive and doing my life experience a great disservice.  I think that it is having been to different places, different areas of the country, the world, even, has wisened me to where I know better than to contrast and compare to what I have left behind.  It is hard to start something new when you are still replaying the same stories from where you are from.  Can’t evolve that way.

Next week I am going to purchase a round-trip ticket to South Bend, Indiana, so I can visit my friend Ken and his wife, Beth.  Though I am still undecided on starting school this fall and waiting for winter term, or going ahead and trying to make up for the work I will miss over my second vaycay, I am really looking forward to making the trip.  After all, it has been, along with my  a successful Carolina trip and progress in my spring term from my last academic year, the means I am using to determine if I had a good year or not… and so far, things have been just great!!

QUANTUM ENTANGLEMENT

TRUTH IN ADVERTISING

Last week I sent Nebraska a text message.  The reason for my doing so is the stuff that makes up either a bad sitcom premise or the sensible reasoning for someone living with a brain injury.  So that is that with that!

MAKING THE LEAP FROM YOUR EVIDENCE-FREE BELIEF

“Everyone and everything is interconnected in this universe.

Stay pure of heart and you will see the signs.  Follow the

signs, and you will uncover your destiny.”

       - Jeff (who lives at home)

I have been doing well as I struggle along, each passing day further cementing the traits that I had once assigned the phrase “new normal” to simply evolving into my “normal”.  I am cool with where I am, cool with the things that I have to look forward to, and more importantly, confident that I will reach the goals that I have set for myself.  This spring will mark the first of several benchmarks that I have set for myself, and this statement further solidifies that I am the path of achieving some of my grandest hopes.

This spring when I am in Carolina to celebrate KT’s ascension into young adult status, I will also be afforded the opportunity to tell her exactly how much I do love her and apologize for not being more present in her life.  While admitting to my slack as her father, I will hopefully be able to have her understand what she means to me and outline the future of our relationship.  This outline, the hoped for foundation for our relationship in the years to come, is similar to the one that I intend to share with her sisters, Lexxie and Skye, at my next opportunity (which is why I can DEFINITELY see a beer or two with Mrs. Miss and Mr. Mischief in the foreseeable future!).  With the latter two, I cannot wait to engage with as capable adults, with their own belief systems in place, hopefully free from the conflicting opinions of their Mother’s. While becoming their friend won’t be a cakewalk, I do expect that we will get the opportunity to establish a strong connection to go with the genetic and spiritual bond we share as parent and child.  This, being able to build solid and real relationships with my daughters has been my goal for the past 18 years.                         

Along with taking another step closer to coming to terms with my ex-wife (because no, I would not ever date her or risk getting to “know” her intimately… I don’t know if that should count, but there it is...), it is about time for me to reassess and analyze my progress toward my specific and general goals.

Journaling has been a part of a paradigm shift in my thinking.  Prior to that, I kept my intentions and designs to myself.  The reasoning for not declaring myself had nothing to do with any modesty or reluctance in the face of “fail” repercussions, but because of my understanding of the solitary path of exceptionalism at the time.  I can’t really be certain of when this ideal first took root in my consciousness, only that it made it quite easy for me to deal with the “whatever” that kept me from any of the larger social communities that I have belonged to.  At some point in my late 20’s, it became clear that I would need to adjust my thinking.  There has always been room for an “outlier” branch to my path that allowed for someone or for a group to become a part of me, but it went unacknowledged.  That has changed along with several other tacit understandings I have held about life, both in general and specific to me.

Now we are moving into the meat of where my thoughts have been for most of this year.  Perhaps the residue of going over the contents of my character played a bigger role in my texting Nebraska than my memory fail because more than being present in my thoughts as a (P)erson, she has been more like an object lesson, similar to many of my broad rantings about the different “societies and organizations” that I playfully (kinda..!) lump African-American women in. If I were to try to define my indifference, it would be that their “hard” is more than the suffering of of others, particularly to the demographic that I belong to, African-American men.  I also believe that this tendency has developed into a major flaw, that with the collapsing of social barriers, is now part of (W)omen issues with (M)en.  And a corollary to this perception is seen in goal setting.

If you ask for what women are looking for in a relationship, too often you will likely receive a generic response such as, “a good man”, or something that is just as bland and indefinite.  They have some vague idea of what they are looking for, and as long as it is a vague notion, there is an absolution from any kind of responsibility for their own behavior.  It brings to mind a comment from the comedian Louis CK about people complaining about cell phones - “... the worst cell phone in the world is a freakin’ miracle.  The cell phone doesn’t suck.  Your life... around the cell phone… THAT’S what sucks!”  As with my women like my ex-wife, who had the gall to bad mouth the “new Miss What’s Happenin’” that her 2nd husband found, she never ONCE admits to her own shortcomings.  That is what I think about anyone, men or women, who paint over the flaws of their own character to instead besmirch that of a gender or population because they are unable to find a partner.

As I said earlier, my journaling is a result of my going from one way of thinking to another.  My change was done less out of any inefficiency on my part as it was part of the continued evolution that was taking place in my life.  This is not limited to only my way of thinking but how I handle relationships as well.  In my time as a “fly on the wall”, it seems that this is another area where people in want of a partner fail.  They have stopped growing, especially in critical areas of connectivity with other people.

IDEAS ARE JUST WISHES THAT WITHER AWAY WITHOUT A GOAL

While I am speaking in general about relationships, this process is relevant to any idea that a person may have that manifests itself into a desire.  Wanting something is fine, it is from wants where goals are born.  But I wonder how much effort is a person going to put forth to make an idea transform from something notional and into something tangible, something that can be measured, like an action that brings about a result that can directly applied to the progress made toward a goal.  It is EFFORT that pushes the process along from the abstract, to something that be realized.

I have not made much talk about any of my furtive forays into the dating pool because I can’t swim! :0)  Seriously, there haven’t been any serious discussions that have moved beyond my uncovering unhealed wounds and disproportionate sense of importance that would, at least to me, contradict any desire to include someone else in their life.  To say that “I want a relationship,” is not enough.  Being willing to make the sacrifices necessary to make a relationship viable as well as making oneself vulnerable, along with other characteristics that make up a coupling, these things have to be taken into consideration.  This, I think, is part of the process that makes wishing for love something that you can begin to expect, because you are now planning on what you are willing to offer for what you hope to receive. And here is where irony rears itself up and pokes its head in between the curtains.  Because with both relationships that I have been involved since I have been in Omaha, I do believe that there is evidence that would indicate that either past experience or negative biases, or both, were involved with the eventual dissolution of the relationships.

AND AGAIN… THAT IS WHY I CAN LET MY PAST BE THE PAST

For all my talk about Tee Jay, when the opportunity presented itself for me to make a play for her, I could not bring myself be wholehearted in my pursuit, because I could not make a life progression by going back to a situation where I failed and the elements of why I failed were still present.  Not to mention the complications of my own needs, desires and designs on how I want to fulfill those designs… it just did not seem feasible.  But that is not the only reason that I cannot imagine myself with someone from the past.

Like with my marriage, both iterations of love with Mookie Dee, as with Nebraska and Princess, I have never been able to reconcile the different personas that are involved with trying to love someone that you “used to know”.  As much work as it takes for a relationship to be nurtured and developed, it is harder on a unimaginable magnitude for a successful relationship to occur the second time around.

NOT A RULE… BUT IT IS A MAXIM WORTH OBSERVING

 LAST ENTRY WAS MAINLY FOR A SET UP

While I do feel remorse for some of the things I have done while I was ‘active’ on the dating scene, it isn’t that it was that difficult to ‘shake and bake’ and get someone out of their panties.  For me it was less about my being a misogynistic predator as I feel that what happened was how I was observed changed.  Though I am prolly a different cat from when I was 17 and headed for the Army, I don’t think I have essentially changed from the cat who was stuck in a sort of social limbo between ‘the freaks and geeks’ and ‘ the cool in-crowd’.

After all, I am the same eclectic, open-minded, fringe thinker that I have always been.  I can see myself listening to the same kind of mopey, ironic, indie rock/electronic/classic rock music that I have listened to for most of my life.  I still appreciate the opposing view before I disagree with whatever someone has to say and as always, I am willing to stand my ground even when I may have been wrong, and then admit to my mistake.

Now I don’t have a whole lot to say about my so-called love life because while it isn’t exactly non-existent, it has not become a first-tier priority for me.  In fact, I don’t know what it would take for me to make a relationship something that is a part of my daily concerns.  As much as I struggle with my classes I am not up for the monkey-shines and shenanigans that women play, and case in point was the mentioning of not just the ‘Maybe Miss’ popping up but the TIMING of her return to my life.

She slid out the back door in the middle of November, oddly enough, just when I thought things were about to ratchet up between us.  Then, a few weeks into January I get the ‘howyadoin’’ email from her.  Now I am wondering did anyone else catch the significance of the timing between our contacts?  Trust me, there is and I will point out why some folks get all caught up when stuff like this happens.

Of course this would not be a Mark entry without a digression or two.  In my Comp 2 class I am almost certain that there is a woman who has me on her wish list.  I have caught her looking my way not because I am looking hers, but that I can ‘feel’ her looking at me.  See, I sit in the front row on a diagonal from her seat.  I have also made it rule to make sure I am vocal in whatever class I am in, so that the instructor knows that the cat with the injury is going to be a participating member of the class!  So that means that while there is usually a reason to look at me as I am talking with the instructor or in the class discussion, still, I can tell when someone is looking AT me.

Last week she just happened to show me a picture of her ex-boyfriend when we broke off into workgroups… a cat of whom it could be said vaguely resembled me, as we both are big and athletic cats.  Anywho, we were exchanging ideas and small talk in class until break time came and she got up to go outside.  My comp class is on the second floor so that meant she had to walk downstairs and stand out in the brisk morning air… to smoke.  WTF??

Were I doing any ‘active pinging’ in this quadrant, I guess I would have to put a red ‘X’ on the area where she would have been mapped.  I haven’t hassled with a regular smoker since the 80’s and the ones who did smoke, Delta, Mookie and the SFC, really were not habitual, smoking once every so often for stress.  At any rate, they did not smoke at the rate I once consumed Butterfingers!! 

So I don’t lose anyone, the deal with smoking is a non-starter.  That is one of the few things that absolutely make any relationship prohibitive for me.  I mean, what, she is going to need one after we do the dirty and whatever?  Dinner, on the way home from the movies..?  What is THAT going to be like? 

Back on track… so did anyone catch the significance of the ebb and flow to the Miss Maybe yet?  Now your girl Deborrah Cooper would have you believe that only black men are capable of bullsh*t in a relationship but I am here to tell you that women smurf-up a lot of relationships too.

BUT IT IS ALWAYS EXPECTED WHEN YOU PLAY SO MANY ON THE ROAD

I really big on knowing as much as you can about your surroundings, knowing what kind of ‘grounds’ you are on whenever you are engaging a person in a relationship.  Because I like to be ‘forward’ when it comes to meeting a woman, I scan and ‘ping’ to see if I can pick up the interest OR THE POSSIBLITLY OF INTEREST in a woman.  Hey, just because I am cuddly does not mean I am not a predator myself!  But just like a great white can run up on nearly everything in the sea but a killer whale so they steer clear when they see ‘em I ain’t so full of myself that I don’t know when I am not playing the game but am instead a piece on the board being moved!

When I met this woman I knew that I was not in a completely advantageous position when we encountered each other and that I put a lot into her good will in considering whether or not it would be worth me opening up.  And I have to tell you that early into the dating that she showed up strong.  I was impressed and I also thought that for sure, the possibility that she would be ‘different’ was strong.

Then came the reasons that make winning on the road so darned difficult… the restaurants are different, you are out of balance because the sights are different and you don’t know your way around.  Could be a time change, traveling to a different time zone, and then ‘practice and preparation’ is skewed because you have to adjust for the facilities and its relation to where ‘the game is played’.  So many niggling things that grow on the road along with the larger things that flat out become huge is a phenomenon that often occurs on the road.

What the previous paragraph translates to is that I had no way of confirming anything about her, well, not anything but crucial things that her early showing obscured me to.  And since I don’t want anyone to think that it was sexual, I will say that it wasn’t anything remotely close to anything like that.  But what she did was entered into the equation where I insert ‘character’ and the numbers began to look like Enron stock in the early 90’s.

But getting back to my football metaphor, she was like a mid-to-late second round draft choice, someone who may even slide into the 3^rd round having a good day at the draft combo and her stock rose beyond her actual performance resume.  Once she gets into camp and into an actual game…

Now this is where so many of the women who go on to read stuff like “Surviving Dating”, do so and why they identify with the thin stereotypes of Tyler Perry fall into disarray.  It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out something isn’t exactly right, right?  So why do women continue their relationship with someone who is not totally present or even giving them a reasonable facsimile of being there with you in the relationship?

DID YOU KNOW THAT ‘FRAISER’ WAS A..?

…political Tea Bagger?  Jus’ sayin’…

Clarification Post

AIRING OUT THE MINDHOUSE

Looking over my previous entry and all the errors that it contains in every dimension of literacy is rather embarrassing. You would think that I would read it over before hitting the publish button, and I do... only sometimes. But I have found that the more personal the emotions I am writing about and the closer they are to me personally, the tougher it is for me not only write but to proofread. So her I will try again to clean up some of the mess that I feel I left behind.


Part of what is making this particular subject tough to write about is the reach it spans across. I like to think that I don’t get too involved with the details of the people and our interactions but I wonder if things are getting too close for Nebraska, now that I am here and it would not be too hard to figure out who I am either talking about or is the principal player in any 'we' activities I take part in.  So most likely I am going to be finished talking about her in these pages, save for the vaugest of ways... 'we went to a movie' or 'She took her girls out and invited me to tag along.  So when I am finished with writing out what is going from 'concept' to 'final testing', I don't think I will be mentioning her anymore.  It makes her feel uncomfortable that part of her life is being read and talked about and I though I don't agree with her, I do understand and will comply.  However if things between us as a couple or in our friendship (because right now they are still mutually exclusive) rises to a catastrophic level, all bets are off.  That is where I would want for a *disclaimer* like the one Mrs. Miss Alaineus has on her journal...  perhaps itt will make me a lot sharper a writer, I think, much like Annie Wilkes’ broken typewriter made Paul Sheldon a better writer. That constraint along with my own sense of fairness and personal beliefs should make that a very doable thing. Besides, it will be a challenge for me to deal with more face to face and to keep track of what is what some other kind of way. And it isn’t that difficult a thing for me to do. As it is, I am scoring our relationship on a pass/fail scale. And there ain’t no air in that, not much at all, is there?


WHY PONDER LIFE’S COMPLEXITIES?

'If you think you are reading about yourself in here…’, starts a line in her disclaimer that sums up the purpose of it. Now THAT is a big part of how I deal with people. Sure, yeah… my family and I don’t see our relationships the same way and my ex-wife and Mookie Dee had their own ‘get overs’ when it came to our couplings. BUT THEY PROVE THE RULE. Pete Holmes in a bit I never get tired of drops a line where he indicates the difference between himself as a powerless child as opposed to the full grown adult he is now and dealing with people who agitate him. “You,” he says, “I’ll KILL YOU” (and I like the line where he says, “No one is talking to me that way. You talk to me that way, I punch you in the heart!” near the end of his clip, cause I do have limits my limits and there are tolls to be paid when they are stretched). As it is with most of the ‘really real’ people in the world, I am not the one to be f*cked with. The cat I use for my Facebook profile is called ‘The Destroyer’ and he is a character in the Marvel Comics mythos of ‘The Mighty Thor’. His story is that he was created by Thor’s father, Odin, for an unfathomable reason. The only thing known about him is that he is an lifeless statue and once he is ‘animated’ (he needs a weak soul {Glen Beck}) to come within arms’ length so he can draw their life force so that he can ‘live’ and be alive. Reading about him (Thor was my first favorite hero; maturing had me learn to appreciate the sublime and tragic Adam Warlock and his story line a little more) as a child, along with the still-life motion cartoons that once ran on WXON, made me wish and want to be as tough and as single minded as he was. “Built by Lord Odin and equipped with the aramament to face any foe… and DESTROY him”, is one of the lines I remember from a ‘Destroyer’ story. He wasn’t ‘fancy’ when it came to what he did, only save for Thor; you were always left with the impression that he could get it done! He looked the part and you can see he had the presence that makes the sobriquet ‘The Dread Destroyer’ appropriate. The first personalized boxing robe that I had made has that name emblazoned across the back of it, because that was what I was in the ring to do… to destroy whoever was in front of me (and I had the skill set to do it too..!)


Not there weren't exceptions... my ex-wife and Mookie both were (like Steve McCroskey and his bad habits, picked a bad time to not explain this trait of mine) for different reasons, for the most part I have been able to exhibit the part of me that willingly surrenders their soul to the shell of armor, which would bring the Destroyer in me to life. Even the name of the comic in which Thor’s stories first appeared, ‘Journey Into Mystery’ has its place in the formative ideals of my life. I would ‘journey into mystery’ with the attitude that I was capable of doing what needed to be done to make my life happen.

But like the Destroyer, I have my weaknesses and vulnerabilities. If all one had to do was move ‘the shell’ of the person’s body whose life force was in the Destroyer within arms reach and for them to ‘will’ that energy back to their body to stop him, then all you had to do was bring someone who was supposedly ‘in love with’ or claim they had a love for me into my life do knock me off my stride. I have to believe that otherwise what is the use of my thinking that the people who were closest to me failed to provide support for me at very crucial times? Unfortunately, this isn’t a theory borne out of bitterness but out of examples. I have talked those scenes before and there is no need to rehash them here.

I would say that I was promised a friendship and that I was completely at ease with that. Is it possible that there could be more between us..? That is something that is left up to chance… which is not an option for me. If it were, then I would have stayed in Detroit.  Near the end of my run there, I liked the way the winds were blowing for me there.  But I wanted to be here, and it has been a good start for the most part,  with money struggles and no COLA increase, that means I am going to have to find a job! (but with low unemployment here, I don't think I will have that much trouble once I get after it)


Part of what made this move such a good thing for me is that while there are a lot of those ‘unknowns that I don’t know I don’t know’ lying around, it is not because I am inviting them into my life.  I have prepared as well as I could have and now it time to do and develop what I came here to do.


I will try to pick up from where I left off… there IS a point to all this and I want to get it out as linear as I can.

BREATHE

THOREAU IN WORDS AND IN PICTURES

She calls herself 'The Unreliable Girl' but I have found her to be reliable when it comes to putting up excellent pictures that captures the kind of essence that once dominated my thoughts.  I have found in the first week of this challenge that the kind of thoughts that made others characterize me as 'happy-go-lucky' is still residing in me.  Needs a some TLC, and perhaps a change in environs. Even so, I am  telling you though, in leaving there will still be some lingering doubts.

Prolly because it is home, when I ride through some sketchy parts of town, I see the 'roses' sprouting up among the refuse, blooming.  Some of these neighborhoods will prolly not see the kind of reinvestment that once made them vibrant, but each time I ride by a block of vacant lots or burned out houses, there is that one house, with someone outside working on it, that makes me think that this place will thrive once again.

Rode near AKA's area.  She lives few blocks from Dearborn, near where an old airport was changed to a residential area many, many moons ago.  There was a story about how crime has started to creep in and while comparing it to the rest of the city, it was mild.  But the larger story is that it IS starting to infiltrate an old standard for middle-class Detroit and maybe it is on its inevitable decline.  I hope not.

Same holds true for Corktown, near old Tiger Stadium.  I don't know what ethnic group lives there now... the Hmong gotta live somewhere and if not then correct me, some of the Eastern European folks hang out there.  Riding through these neighborhoods and several others, I see them as I did when I was a little boy, and they hold the same kind of sway over me.

There are houses that you can buy for less money than a Honda Fit!  Sure they need a lot of work, but if you were to research the available grants and loans, you could have your very own piece of property.  I never thought of myself as an entrepreneur, but if I had the proper motivation... I could get into real estate and take my shot, you know?

Anywho, anyone remember the 'Challengers of the Unknown'?  I remember my Mom getting me some of those, old Doc Savage and Conan the Barbarians to read as a child.  With that as source material and my Mom's encouragement, that is why the hesitancy that I have shown regarding restarting MY LIFE in Omaha has been a little startling for me.  I have done some stupid things, prolly because I don't let fear stop me, but I have done a lot of cool things because I can suck it up and do my thing.  But really, who has not wondered if this is going to be an epic fail?  Even with no one admitting as much, not only is a little drop of the acid of fear good, it motivates me. 

ANOTHER DAY



When I first targeted Omaha, I did so thinking that I would be a 'unrequited friend' to Nebraska.  That suited me, because I believe in the pathology of my life, which is to say, I do feel that the closer someone is to me, the more likely that there would be a fail of an magnitude greater than 9000 and its consequence bringing me to ruin.  As far as loneliness goes, I will have to get used to it.

Ten years ago when I was in my own apartment... I used to enjoy standing around and announcing to no one and everyone that I was 'the Lord and Master of all that I survey'.  And I miss that.  I miss lying in a bare apartment one day and then before you know it, bam!  It is full of stuff patched together from garage sales, resale shops and outlet stores. 

Also, unlike the people I have read about who deal with CTBI and rejoin the NT's, I won't be relying on a network of good friends (in the immediate area... I know that I have you wonderful folks on the interwebz to give support and cheer me on!) and family to help me out as I get used to what I am working with.  And that is cool, because I could have been a far better boyfriend and husband when I had the opportunities, no matter what the invitation to my 'pity parties' may have said.  That would have gone a long way to alleviating some of my stress.  But it is also just as likely that I would have led a less enjoyable life and be under a different kind of stress.

Uh... maybe I will speak on realtionships & me a little more at another time...

TRUTH, REST YOUR HEAD

RECALLING AN INCIDENT IN AN OAKLAND COUNTY PARKING LOT

I know I have talked about this once before and my knuckles still itch from making contact with the flesh-covered bone of another human being. And I also know that I wish that Tyler Clementi had someone he knew that he could go to, rather than take that lonely walk on the George Washington Bridge. Sometimes, the pain is too great and it was that pain that pushed him beyond reason.

The kids that set him up, I don't know too much about them other than they are young, from what I consider repressive cultures, and, I think, lacking in any sensitivity or maturity. Not surprising, considering their age. Even giving them that, you would think that they would have enough respect for person NOT to do what they did.

As upset as I am with Dharun Ravi and Molly Wei, I am not all that surprised by what they did. Though I was trying to be a young soldier at their age, when I finally walked unto a college campus, I did not see much difference in the atmosphere. I wonder how many people who are trying to seek a harsher punishment by adding the hate crime enhancer to their criminal act, did not themselves do or know of some equally crappy kind of act, to someone with one degree of separation.

The reason that I brought up my retaliatory assault on the football player who hit on my darling brother, is that I know by having someone who was not only comfortable and non-judgemental about his sexuality (our family, save bat-sh*t crazy Jan), he knew that he could come home and that he would have support. Could it have been that not everyone was as completely comfortable with Tyler at home, that he did not think of first calling a family member and sharing his pain and hurt with them? Hey, I am jus' sayin'... cause if someone I know and love let me know someone had did something like that to them...

As far as the perpetrators, I am so like, 'come on'. I don't think the enhancement was meant for this kind of case, I really don't. What they did was terrible and showed how little lack of judgement that even the most academically successful person can have (unlike the blissful stupidity of many in the Tea Bag movement... that is SO another story and over at Nutwood, you would get a better fix on how banal the Tea Baggers can be).






AND I WILL BE TAKING MINE TO GO, IF YOU DON'T MIND









Did I mention that I will be leaving for Omaha the weekend of the 9th-10th of October. I will be going to the Amtrak station in Dearborn to make sure I read everything on the web site correctly about shipping my bike. I already have a box and they will take it along with me for only $10?? Can't beat that with a peppermint stick!!





I have ridden trains in Europe and in Korea, but not in the US. They will let my bags come with me for free and even if I were to bring more, the fees are more than reasonable. The convenience factor over a bus ride is pretty much negligble, a few more dollars saved but a less than desired arrival tme. Eh, no big whoop.





Riding around the 'slums of Beverly Hills' and going past spots in Berkley and Royal Oak, fuels specualtion within me that maybe I should stay here, in the Metro proper. Not only that, the sites that I subscribe to for roommates have sent several potential places, in the Motor as well as in the surrounding suburbs, that if the chemistry was there, that they would make a good fit.





Another reason that plays a part in my indecision has been the realization that the Motor looks a lot better to me with one twin getting married in Chicago and the other making a life out of the military. Jan and I were never on real good speaking terms so we will continue to not speak to each other, even after our paths cross at the twins' wedding wedding in November. As long as I care to remember, I have believed that I had to leave to make a life that I wanted. But now I am like, 'what is my motivation?' I really believe that the Metro is going to come back, not like it was but it will be a better place to live.





Riding around and through the different neighborhoods, the word 'gritty' comes to mind because I go by a block with several dilapitdated house and then there is a well-kept house with a manicured lawn. Someone has decided that they will draw the line and be the change that they want for the city. Though I would not want to live inside of the city, I could spot up in any number or the inner ring cities adjacent to Detroit.





SO REALLY... WHAT IS MY MOTIVATION





We don't communicate as well as I would like, Nebraska and I. I am not sure why it bothers me other than the obvious... that we are not going to get along as well as may have been hoped for, but one of the things that does crop up is 'my formula for happiness' (hint, hint, it should be the first quote!). This expectation of mine, that things will 'fall in order' is not some obtuse wish made to an unknown force to in some way aid me. It is more like a mission statement.



Well, it is WAY past my bedtime!! And I have a fitness post for later on in the day over at my other blog. Peace out, y'all!!

SEASONS OF ENDLESS STORMS

ON DEPRESSION

There are several words and phrases that I purposely use sparingly because of the weight that they have in my mind. Hate, is one such word. For me to 'hate' anything or anyone is to consign that person or subject to a emotional limbo. I have no opinion nor do they arouse any feeling for me to act or think upon. For me to tell someone that I hate them, or for me to say to someone or speak of anyone where I think that they could 'eat sh*t and die', particularly since my use of profanity is extremely measured (learned in the service that it DOES have its uses, so I don't let my panties get bunched up when it is used/or heard) and for those that have some understanding of the kind of person I am, using that language is to call attention to something that I feel has dire consequences.

The same thing goes for the word 'depression'. It is an intellectual concept with which I comprehend, but for many years it was something that existed only in that frame of reality, an objectified state of being for other people, not for me. But now, like most or my other personal ghosts and demons, I have to count that among their number. While this bout may have had a little help in getting a grip on me, I do think that I have fought with it all the way. A lot of that came from the course that I chose to chart. There never appeared to be another course to take and my heading never changed. One of the 'Successories' that we had in my office was the one with the cat on the boat... 'Make It Happen' :

Greatness is not in where we stand, but in what direction we are moving. We must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it - but sail we must and not drift, nor lie at anchor. - Oliver Wendell Holmes

The appeal of that quote for me should be obvious to everyone... and also for me, goes a LONG way as to explaining why this has been such a test for me. There has been a lot of 'being adrift and at anchor', when I KNOW that it is out there, somewhere, and I have to get there.

As far as my continuing my journal, well, this is my main source of human interaction and will prolly remain so for the foreseeable future. I will get into that, maybe, later. But when it comes to depression and with other conditions that are of particular interest to me, interacion with other people is crucial. So I will keep on with keeping on, in some form or another, with being a prescence online.

TALHOTBLOND

In the early part of my journey to Omaha, which began in earnest the last quarter of '07, I would on occasion speak to Nebraska of my fear of becoming one of those 'internet love gone wrong' stories. She would be insulted, taking it as a personal affront, as though she would do me harm in some way. That went on for a few months because it wasn't only something that I said tongue-in-cheek, but I had hoped to start a conversation about some of my concerns about being 'the road team', coming to live in a place that I would have no one that I even pretend to call on. But she would run hot when I would mention it, so I left it alone. After all, I still know how to 'behave like a fighter' when it comes to seeing my way through difficult circumstance and situations. I left it alone, as I could not verbalize (I know, right?? Me not being able to put in words what is on my mind!) what were and remain, valid reservations.

The movie was about a triangle of people who found each other on the internet and had tragic consequences. The documentary was narrated from the perspective of the lone real victim, Brian Barrett. It began with Tom Montgomery, who along with Brian, worked at the same place and happened to fall into a chat room relationship with a teenage girl named Jessi.

WHY I DO WONDER ABOUT LIFE'S COMPLEXITIES

Tom had issues as a younger man, which he managed to outgrow and he eventually became a husband and father, working at plant in Buffalo. He 'unknowingly' stumbled into a teenage chat room and posed as 'Tom', and 18-year old Marine recruit. He drew upon and used his 'fantasy' self, because he did serve in the Marines. He would fall into a chat room relationship with a girl named 'Jessi'.

The lies and the deceit that went on between 'Marinesniper' (Tom's screen name) and Jesi would eventually suck up Brian, who was drawn into without knowing that Jesi's other online beau was local. Jesi would play games and eventually it drove to Tom, who was lost in his online fantasy, to murder Brian.

Now, I don't want to spoil any more of a fine documentary, but the issues that both Tom and Jesi had as human beings is why I would mention the 'internet love story tragedy' aspect to my relationship with Nebraska. When we first met online, I approached her with the all the sublty of an elephant. I hadn't seen a photo of her (nor her of me, for that matter) and I let her description of herself along with her conversation, be enough for me. I explained to her why things about her made enough sense to me and how I was drawn to her town, IN PARTICULAR. I don't think if she was from Kearney, that I would have felt the same way towards her, or Lincoln, for that matter.

But always, always, and ALWAYS (because those issues are STILL a factors in my mind at this very moment) that people were getting lost out here, and badly hurt. In fact, one of my internet friendships developed out of someone finding themselves hurt by a cat who posed as 'this' and he was really 'that'. What he didn't know is that we were friends and that I had spent time where he was at, and could (in)validate some of the things he was telling her.

I am the first to admit that there is prolly no greater risk in finding someone out here as it is with letting a friend hook you up or making an quaintence in the analog world. But there is a protocol, I believe, that must be adhered to in both situations. They are unique to both arenas, and some of what I needed to make sure of, to alievate my concerns, were encased in the 'tragic internet love story' line that I would bring up, most of which have been dealt with and no longer are of any worry.

What do I worry about?? If necessary, I will put them down here, I promise.

WHAT HAVE I BECOME...

MY DEAREST FRIENDS

I tried to individually respond to those of you who wished me a 'Happy Birthday' this week. Don't know if I ever spoke on the particulars of why I don't celebrate MY birthday, so I will hope to keep this neat and clean.

Let's say it began in 3rd grade, when it occurred to me that the kids who were in my house, eating ice cream and cake, making a mess that I will end up cleaning shortly, were also the same kids who had sized me up in school and made getting home without incident such a dodgy proposition.

As far as cousins and family in general, I was sorta the middle kid... the older cousins who were going through their 'brutality' phase of their prepubie development and the younger kids simply being annoying snots that I could do without. So I told my Mom that parties were 'cool', and when I said that they were 'cool' I meant 'cool, but'... after all, getting ready for school and all was more than enough. Besides, NONE OF THESE KIDS LIKED ME. I truly believed that, cousins included. It always seemed to me that 'they'd' have events and sleep overs and I was always 'ass end Mark' (a name one of my older cousin's gave me, because I always seemed to come in on the 'ass end' of things). Ok, fine. No one has to tell me twice that I am not wanted around and if they had to tell me three times, then I would deserve what I got.

That is why I did not want any happy birthday wishes on my Facebook page, because the 'usual suspects' again failed in wishing me a good one. Having all my friends out here wishing me a happy birthday when those who should have but didn't, was what I was hoping to avoid. It was less a problem before the internet age, but this year I realized that with all the social connection stuff, that I could be ignored by some people EVEN WITH ELECTRONIC REMINDERS.

While I imagine that at some point with Nebraska, we will have a face to face about why I did not want to go walk my sister down the aisle, but will show up and escort her, the short explaination for the blog is, I don't want it to be said about me that I would do someone so sh*tty, at least intentionally. I don't expect anyone to really understand my POV, and I am tired of having it echo in my head, so I don't feel like pleading my case.

Nebraska has a plan to be a big brother and go back home. In the end, I did not want to add to any of the other 'wish I could have done differently' on my list, and I think that I would have been doing just that by not showing up in Chicago.

Another one of the reasons that I changed my mind was in no small part because of a blog post (actually, it was 2 of them) I happened to read on my birthday. First, it began on Hipstercrite's blog as she was raving about a few of the blogs she reads. One of them, Humans Are Funny had a story that went straight to how I did NOT want any of my daughters to feel.

Before I go there, what I want for people reading this to understand is, despite all the gloom and blackness that may be read in the last few months or divined from this post, I am not going anywhere. Won't stretch anyone's credulity by saying I am doing fine, but I will get through this... remember, 'Live Through This' is a cool album and one that I like a lot! In fact, reading about Laurenne's Dad after speaking with KT (Lexxie sent an email) made sure that no matter how deep I may sink, that I will hold on.

All three of us were laughing and 'jonesin' one another, with yours truly being on the end of the punchline more often than not. I didn't mind because everyone was happy. The brew of emotions that were already bubbling in my mind before we spoke were as ebon as ever. But it was reading the two post on 'Humans...' that made me, well whatever it made me is for me to know.

THE WORST PERSON EVER

When I think about stopping this journal, I ask myself if I am going to delete it as well. I do have a sense that there may be a few good stories, essays in here for me to go through and 'write pretty'. Certainly there is inspiration for a book as well, not to mention some kind of screenplay. I do know I would like to see.

There are a few other things I would like to see. Would so not mind driving through South Bend and taking pictures with Ken & Beth. I really want to do that, so that is another hand hold for me. Who knows what is going to happen in Omaha (in a good way, that is)... I could run into Warren Buffet and we can become good friends! It could happen, so you had better watch!!

Getting back to closing this thing down... there are some things that I won't ever tell anyone about and I think I have mentioned that I would resent anyone for guessing. There are things that I haven't told anyone and the only people that know what they are, are the people who were there and whoever they may have told. I don't know if I am going to keep reading blogs or not... we will see. I do like a great many of you and that is about as sincere as anything anyone ever said about their limited online relationships with someone that they may never, ever actually see in life.

Like I have never now nor ever will tell anyone about 'the worst person' in the world. Once, I was asked about what I would do if I ever saw this person again... and I could not find an answer to that question, because all I ever could do is hope to never see this person again. For well over 2 decades, fate was kind enough to keep our paths from crossing until this week, that is.

As I have indicated, I am not going to detail any of the particulars... but our running into each other wasn't like movies or any of the fantasy films that played in my mind of chance bring us together again. Damn!! But, I do know where he lives now. And I WILL have a real second chance at having my shot at him.

What would happen from THAT... I don't know. Since I am not sharing, there won't ever be an update to that and it will be a game changer for me in spirit. Like my man Ben Hoffman at the end one of his rants on InfoMania (one of his funnier rants on the Leno v. O'Brien story), rest assured, 'I will feel better, now', that I get THIS do over.

CLEARING HOUSE

I have kept thinking that this was the song that came on the car radio when Nebraska and me were toolin' around Chicago... and I thought that it was one of those rare times that the 'right' song played spontaneously when you were with the person that you wanted to be with when you heard it on the radio. She did not 'get it', and the only impression it left on her was how excited I became when it came on. There are times where I get weary at the gap between 'the things I need and the things I receive' (yes, it is a Moz lyric!!) from certain people I know. About ten years ago, the option between holding out for a chance to 'find love' (honestly, what does that mean? I don't know if I ever made a conscious effort of searching for it, so I don't get what the big hubbub is about) and simply going about my own way, 'Nigeling about', single and alone but, not with a want for company or companionship.

Anywho, there is another song that came on the radio when I was riding in a car with a woman... this being my ex-wife and the song was 'Goodbye Love' by Guy. Sometimes, I wonder if I should offer up some of my old cassettes as evidence as to my one time appreciation for what I call urban-pop music. The story of that memory is that is we were riding home with the girls and it played on a Sunday evening.

What made the event the memorable moment that it was had to do with who the song was dedicated to... US. You all know my name and it is fairly common. My ex has a common kind of name that she shares with the woman I call 'Jenny' when my walk down memory lane has allowed me to recollect her image. Because we had been together the entire day, it was an coincidence of incredible proportions that song came on 'for us'. Yes, we did have a 'to do' that further enhanced the evening. Also it was a launch point for our final seperation and my going off to North Carolina.

HE USED TO BE SUCH A SWEET BOY

Somehow the blog thing has gotten to be such a drag. Partly because of I am in a mire of so many conflicting feelings that seem to me to be 'extrarneous' to my life and that I have had problems with institutions of bureaucracy, in Virgina and now here. Appearently my 'friend' at the Friend of the Court office did not forward the change in support order to the SSA, which means I am still drawing the same amount I have been since the beginning, which ain't cool.

I brought up at the hearing that the amount of support hasn't changed from when I was working... and that was nearly seven years ago. Even with what has been paid through SSA, I have build up quite an arragage... which is neither here nor there. Additionally, I thought that after the hearing the responsible agencies would inform one another of the changes ... but that did not happen. Hopefully I have gotten that part going and may even be due a rebate of some overages.

When I first thought about keeping the light on for a potential relationship, it was done with reluctance because I had begun to wonder if I could manage a relationship. Perhaps I am not meant for a relationship. After all, there are PLENTY of single people in the world and some of them are delightfully fine with being that way.

I do think I can be fine being single. I do enjoy being alone.

Going through what I have had to experience on what has become a daily part of my life is not something I would want to burden anyone else with. Some of what entered into the relationship with my SFC and has begun to leak into whatever it is Nebraska and I have going and that is not a good sign. There is only so much 'fate' in a person's victimization, and the fact that I am telling myself this makes me think that there is something else at play here. See, for certain, the first 35 or so years of my life was not spent in melancholy looks back over what could have been. I don't like where I have put myself and that is a fact.

MEDIA WATCH

The movie 'Let The Right One In' is a Norwegian film with its take on vampires. The American take on it is called 'Let Me In', and I hope that Americanization of the film can keep the unique traits that made the Norwegian movie such a good film. It wasn't without its gaps and plot holes. But I did like it a lot and it was cool to see a vampire without sparkly skin, struggle with its lingering humanity.

Watched the Roberto Begini movie, 'The Tiger and the Snow'. It was okay. A rom-com set to the backdrop of an American invasion in the Middle East. Roberto's love interest is wounded and is put up in an Iraqi hospital. The doctor tells him that he should pray to Allah. Faced with a situation in which his love was in 'Allah's hands', he sends up the only prayer he knows, the Lord's Prayer', to Allah. The set pieces in the movie were stereotypical and biased. Europe is super cosmopolitan my ass...

My memories of Europe is not one that is fuzzy and cute. People like to talk about how beautiful it is... but to me, it is a beauty that is accessible only to a few. As far as being inviting and accepting, the American hassling of Muslims did not occur until the 9/11 attacks. Here in the Metro, places like Dearborn and Hamtramck were filling up with all kinds of people with Arabic roots, since before the 80's. Not to mention other ethnic groups like the Hmong and Armenians that seem to flock here. In short, as unappetizing as some of the conversation is regarding the Immigration issue, I think we still handle it far and away better than people do in other countries.

Caught a young Mike Tyson fight on ESPN Classic earlier this afternoon. It was Tyson day on the family of networks, as they had a '30 on 30' film about Mike, Tupac and what they symbolized... and the post fight interview of Jim Jacobs who was part of the original group who handled Mike as a pro. The Tyson in the replay is the same cat that I saw in a couple of tournaments, arrogant and rude. I have such an 'hot and cold' opinion of him because of the person that I have known and seen off the stage that conflict with the idolatry he was getting early in his career. I mean he can still be an butthead and be an icon, right?