Before I get into things ...

INTERLUDE


Since there are new names who may or may not be reading this, I figure I will go into what I think I am doing in my journal.


My style is patterned after the best show on radio, 'This American Life'. To be honest, as folks may have divined by now, it could have been called, 'How Mark LIVES His Life'. There is a theme or central point, and the story spins out from that. Sometimes they connect in an obvious fashion, sometimes they are bound by wisps of a spider's thread. Sometimes, there may be nothing there at all.


Every so often, I will say about 'a something' that may be a little unclear, that 'I may or may not get back to it'. The reason it is 'left in the air' like that, is once I feel that I have realized something, the perspective changes, and I go from there. No sense in going back and struggling with the 'what may have, but didn't ever happen', and ripping up things for no other reason than to feel pain. Uh, f*ck that.


Life is going to punch you in the nose ANYWAY. Why help it by purposely doing something to hurt yourself?


Earlier in the week, Nebraska (the person) and Ihad a falling out. For her, she thinks I talk about how I am going to get there too much (I KNOW that I don't, but that is a sign...), and that I keep pushing the date back ... uh, until June of NEXT YEAR, any time prior to that is fine. For and to me, I should say.


What is it for her? You know what, I can't say that it even matters, not as much as it matters that I am going to where I am supposed to be. Did I mention that this person, who I am using as a lighthouse, doesn't see an 'us' between us? She has avoided saying any 'magic words', but has made it clear that she has her sights on what she has her sights set on.


The only thing that I have asked for, is that she be a good friend, and that she lets me know if her plans take her away from there before I get used to the place. But I am back in the Motor, and if I can find my way around, even with all the twists and turns here, why SHOULDN'T I expect to find my way around the farms and fields I am expecting to find there?


Now, I realize that I am making a broad caricature of Nebaska as a state (fooled ya!!), but I do that purposely. People can get undone by their doubts ... and let the uncertainty get to them. I am going to find what I find there ... like I found in the provencial town I was in, the small towns of the Tar Heel state ... the places I have been where ever I have gone.


After all, once you are there, there you are. Making jokes about 'corn country', keeps me from being overwhelemed by 'questions' about the fitness of my decision.


So she is sore with me ... and I can honestly say that I don't know why. And I can just as honestly say that I am not sure that I care, either. My question that I ask myself is, can I manage this trick all on my lonely?



As I sit here, the feeling of 'being over it' is strong. I will email her after I post this. Because you see, the bet isn't on 'us', because she has taken herself out of that equation. The bet is on ME. Do I believe the things I write about, the feelings that I have expressed about moving. The answer is, yes.


QUALIFICATION


But I would be disappointed if we end up falling out over something so very, very, inconsequential. This isn't the type of conversation I want to write out between us, because I think there is a context that cannot be subsituted in an email. Could call her ... we will see. Good or bad, something is going to be missed if it isn't face to face. If she doesn't mention it, neither will I.


She says she doesn't read me anyway ... whatever. Tomorrow I open my personal 'training camp', and will get into a more focused kind of working out. I want to be lean when I check out the Star Trek exhibit with Ken and Beth at the Science Center!

Will let that be a part of the theme for next week as well.

Spring Cleaning ... STILL!!

Actually ... I am GOOD!

Watching the news conference this morning with the new head guy at GM got me to follow the media watch on that story about GM and their bailout. Though I do think that they are unnecessarily harsh with the Auto Industry, and that there seems to be more concern with the financial markets (which is more 'smoke and mirrors' than anything else), I did personalize a lot of what I saw as 'happening'.

Then, I read the paper. *SIGH* And it begged the question, does Detroit deserve to be saved?

BECAUSE IT'S ABSTRACT ... SUBLIMINAL

When Connie Calloway was brought in to run the school system, there was a big whine because she came from a small system, outside of St. Louis I think. Whatever. Didn't mean she couldn't do the job. I was in the provincial town, jogging 'round with the Mooks, so I can't say what she did and didn't do. But the gist of it is she took on some of the cronyism and slovenliness of a badly managed school district.

They fired her.

Now, their is state appointed cat, who is finding out that Connie was right. There is waste, overspending, poor bookkeeping, you name it, they are screwing it up. There is supposed to be no district sponsored travel ... yet in Freep column, Rochelle Riley wrote that school board member Marie Thornton had not a problem with the order ... then announced that she and several other board members were going to be attending a conference in San Diego. WTF!?! On WHOSE DIME, I wonder?

DOES ANYONE GET IT?

I love my hometown, I really do. If it shook out to where I was to remain here ... uh, let's not speak of that too much. Anywho, the municipal officers and elected officials just don't get it. And no, I do know that not only are their larger cities NOT as mismanaged as this one, towns that have once been in decline, are now decent places to be. Cleveland, Pittsburgh, and Baltimore are three that I know of. Downtown Chicago puts ours to shame. This place has been bleeding population since the late 50's and now it is hemorrhaging people.

There is something very wrong with the city ... is it the water? I could try to unravel that, but I won't. It is beyond me, anyway.

I do think that the so called middle class is getting squeezed like a pimple. But the problem here, is some malicous 'they who sit above in shadow' group that pull the strings, but the city and its people. that is what makes things 'sting' around here.

Now, some of what I raved about, I still stand behind. Not going to get into what, because that is for me to know. In some 'personal personnel' news, Tee Jay called ... and no, there wasn't any whiny take me back talk. If anything, I copped to what I did wrong, and also why I chose to do what I did after the mess that I made. Restated that yeah, I feel you still, but right now my mind is set on getting over you, because I don't want to be wondering about anything when I leave.

Yeah, I did tell her where I am going. It is different for a man in a situation like this. If a woman was talking this talk, it would be crap, because she more than likely is trying get some attention and all that. When a man announces his intent, it means that is what he is taking a pass/fail test on, period.

Had to get that socio-political burst out of my system ... and that is a good sign. I don't have a lot of angst and pitying in me, not for myself. It means I am looking forward and expectantly at my future. That my mind feel light enough to bear to think about something other than how I am going to get somewhere, means I am calm about what I need to do.

NEXT: More music!!

SPARKLING

NEW CHARACTER

I finally asked 'Mickey Dee's' her name. Her face lit up, so she has been waiting to tell me for a while. When will I find out how long and when she noticed me? Don't know yet and I will have to figure that out first!

FLYING MISSIONS

That is what I call it, going out and meeting women. Sometimes they are 'impromptu', like how it was when I met My Delta Girl. When she 'appeared' in my life, it was sort of sudden, because she did appear suddenly ...

... a day after I had described her to one of my roomies in school. We were having one of our 'why do the sheep act the way they do, because they taste soo good!' conversations, and I'd described her from the top of her head to the shoes on her feet. Told my roomie that if I were to meet this girl, I would 'spit my best game' and be chill with her.

Did not know I would be 'flying out' the next day, but when she came into the store, I took off! I am a firm believer in the 'you get what you ask for' part of life. I need to make sure that I am going to ask for all that I really want and can be responsible for. You feel me? With several people (Delta, Sandie, Nebraska, and Teenage Mookie, I got what I asked for! Pretty good success rate, I'd say ... many NEVER come close to meeting their person ONCE) I have met the 'person' ...

For the most part, I fly solo and they are 'deep strikes'. I account for the anti-aircraft, usually by flying above it all, giving a literal meaning to the 'u can't touch this' MC Hammer song. It is hard for most women to 'peg' me, not because I try to deliberately 'be' anything. What happens is I 'manifest' and appear to someone in the best light that THEY can see me in.

That is the only way I can describe it, because off the rip, I haven't met too many women that were willing to let me be as I am (the notable exception being Pecan Sandie, and that may be a story for another time). Fortunately, I am quite versatile!

MR. CONTINENTAL

No, not Christopher Walken on 'SNL', though there is some elements of his character, 'The Continental' that he plays when he guest hosts' the show. No, I got my character from a 'Popeye' cartoon! Whether I anyone thought I was smooth and suave didn't matter, as I think that I am, or can be. I also like to think what my Army Sister (Happy Birthday Twin!!) said of me & my brother, that we have 'charisma' (and yes, it was like the character in the David Lee Roth 'Gigolo' video!) and even people who on the one hand would think negatively of us, if you asked them, when they actually had to meet us, it was different!

That is why I like putting things to the 'boots on the ground' test. No, don't say it over the phone or tell a friend to tell another friend to tell me, face me up one on one, and say what you want me to know. Because trust you me, I WILL have not a problem telling you my version of 'what's what'.

Hope I am not straying too much. I find it funny (well, it is to me) when folks thing I am a naive waif or something. No Trudy, I am not that cat! It's just that I tend to be on the 'sweeter' side of things. If I have to warn you about what could happen if ... that is sort of redundant, dontcha think? I mean if you hit me, you should know you run the risk of getting punched back, right? That applies for anyone. That the phrase, 'I don't start fights, but I do finish them', REALLY means a lot to me, goes without saying.

So I have grown up to be 'This Charming Man' instead of the person waiting, like the cat in 'How Soon Is Now?'. Que sera. Hopefully I am over it, as I have lived a love life that doesn't resemble anything 'pathetic' or 'sad'. Who gets the girl ..? I DO! One of the things that has made my adjustment to being back in Detroit, is that 'sparkling' or 'sparks' that come off my character.

ANOTHER LONELY CHRISTMAS

Not me, silly! But for a lot of people, and I can 'feel' them. I guess how I appear or 'manifest' to people, particularly women, is due to my empathetic (that is the $10 word of the day!) nature. I can 'feel' people and what they yearn for, almost as strongly as I feel my own. Don't worry about getting 'lost', because my instinct for self preservation is too strong for that, or so I believe. That is why I can 'give' so much of myself to people.

This is not to say that I am not without my host of issues. That is why I am single, because I have them! But I will get it right, sooner than later. I mean, I think that Mickey is cute and all, but there is something in her eyes, or it could be me 'sparking' that is catching my attention. That I think she looks nice to me, comes second. And this is why I am alone, because I don't worry about 'finding' someone. If I were to not date or anything for twenty years, I would expect once I declared myself 'in the game', to find someone!

That's how it is all around ME!

THE BIG FINISH

Said all that to say ..? Well, let's hope it got said, because I was just typin'! One of the minor bumps I have ran into, is that I haven't been able to find and set my 'routine'. Not that I feel that is a bad thing, because being extemporaneous is not only a $20 dollar word, but something I have to be comfortable doing and being. Have to get back to adjusting 'to the moment', and Marcie, it ain't easy!

Today's song, 'Brass In Pocket' by The Pretender's pretty much sums up my feeling ... cause I'm gonna get your attention ... GIVE IT TOO ME!

Oh, in disclosure, I went to see 'Quantum of Solace' with SD, and AKA called. I really think she has amnesia. She is still in Florida, and still acts like nothing has happened. Normally I could 'get over it', except she has done things that you should not do.

NOW, 'Rachel's Wedding' is released! Frank Black sung it ... sometimes I live it ... WHERE IS MY MIND (oh come on now, like y'all don't know the Pixies rock!!)

Snootchie Bootchies!

Pardon the Interuption

THE NUMBERS

Are part of a line of thought. This is an interruption, and will be self explanatory as to why there has been an, 'interruption'.

WHY FLORENCE, I AM HUMAN LIKE YOU, TOO!

I have feelings and emotions just like everyone else that walks this earth. There are things that 'get' me, and today AKA happened to 'get' to me.

*Sigh* There are things that just are. I don't know how I came to be the person I am, but I do know 'why'. On a much, much higher level, a decision was made, and here I am.

I am pretty deferential, as I hoped was understood by the entry I made earlier this week, when I spoke of how I took my leadership model from Sun Tzu. The endgame justifies the means. There is a memory of Michael Jordan passing the ball to Steve Kerr for a game winning shot. That is leadership, trusting in those around you and their ability to 'win the game'.

That is how I can let so much roll off me, not because I am meek and fearful, but unless it damages the central focus, interferes with the main purpose, then I can deal. Simple as that. I don't mind letting people have the freedom to express themselves regarding me, and I even play along. We are all friends, and it is all good, right?

We all know that we have each others best interests at heart, so what isn't to forgive one another?

But there are some places that you shouldn't go, just out of common decency. If there are things that you wouldn't do to, with, or say to a stranger, you had BETTER NOT do them with me. If you do treat strangers off-handed, and you claim to 'know' me, then you WELL KNOW not to treat me like some random cat you got from a shelter. Got me?

So we were talking on the phone noonish, and sometimes 'a thought balloon' burst, and something that hasn't been finished comes out. When it did, and because it wasn't clear, she couldn't make it out. So she asked me to repeat what I said, and I told her that I was talking to myself. Whatever her response, it was the wrong one. It was full of hubris and self-indulgence. I HATE that.

Like cursing, HATE is a dirty word in my mouth. So, you know what you are talking about, eh? Well, let's find out how much you know!

So she is telling me "I have told you not to do that with me, don't say something and don't finish when you are talking with me, blah, blah, blah ..." I waited, patiently, then I asked her a question.

"You know me so well, do you know why that happens?"

She said she didn't, and I told her why. I have suffered brain trauma from boxing. There are times where a 'thought' that most people keeps to themselves will slip out, unfinished. When I say that I was talking to myself, it is an honest statement. The thought wasn't meant to be 'audible'.

And after that, it was on.

Can't remember all that I said. I do recall telling her that I am sure that she has made exceptions and overlooked small things about me in our relationship. But this, this is a prime example of 'you ain't no daisy' in action. She is so caught up in something that is small, and making it out to be something so big. When people do that, I want to find out how 'big' it is to them.

I don't care for folks who 'claim' to be 'straight shooters' and they feel that they tell people about themselves, and say the things that they need to hear but don't want to hear. That is, m'lady fair, the red cape to the bull. At some point and time, I will shake the Ferdinand in me and charge. And let the chips fall where they may, FOR FREAKIN' REAL. I know want to find out how much of the 'they don't want to hear', YOU can stand to hear!

How angry was I? I cursed. I was ready to rumble and I went there, and STOOD. Said if this is it, well don't you know, tomorrow is going to come, and I plan to be on that train. If you take whatever you feel now with you, then that is you.

Yep AKA, you can go get over yourself, and when you do that, call and see what happens. Won't promise you will be recieved warmly, and as to you 'not calling', I thought it was understood that when I said I was taking the train to tomorrow, I only bought one ticket.

As I have done throughout my life, when I have either left or been asked to leave, that is that with that. The thing about the 'Ex List', is that I haven't EVER dated someone who I have reached an impasse with. So it is new for me. Not even in HIGH SCHOOL.

Mookie was the first. Took me 35 years to do something like that. Maybe I will come back to this, if I find it germane to anything. I am more focused on going forward, and doing what I believe is going to get me to where I want to be.

Sorry for the length, but I was upset. No football this weekend, cause I am off my que. Not only the AKA thing, but I have to get ready for Monday night. Need to focus on how I want THAT to come out.