Been tired a lot, feeling worn to the point of being held together by frayed cargo straps and duct tape! But for me, that has become a good feeling, because I am "chasing both the raven and the wren through gorges unexplored since the dawn..." . One of the things that I really appreciate about being not only single, but alone, is being free of the mundacities of other people's lives. For instance, my no-longer-on-probation friend, deals with lingering issues that I have neither the inclination nor desire to affix myself with, or have to be weighted by hearing constant complaints and petty discussions that said complaints inspire. This is an example of the reoccurring "moments of clarity" that strike me when my fatigue leaves my conscious in a weakened and vulnerable state.
My being alone has allows me the freedom to not hindered by whether or not someone else's issues are going to prevent them from helping me with my concerns, concerns which I have reshevled so that I could be more available to help with their problems. Understand, I don't think that someone should be exclusively available to me whenever I may call on them without reciprocation. It is more that I do not think that effort and sacrifice should be exclusive to either me OR them, and that we both do all that we can to be present in one another's lives. By giving all that you can to someone else, I think that you will discover if they are the "right person" quicker and more painlessly, to be quite honest, than if you were to drag things out in a piecemeal fashion.
Nebraska, in my opinion, never really understood that part of the equation in our particular formula. That, I think, is crucial to why we did not work out and why our relationships reflected poorly when we held it against our previous marriage. Though I cannot speak for her, the lack of mutual respect for me as a person and the principals that I chose to make the foundation of my life, truly echoed the discord between my ex-wife and I. It was not that anyone was a bad person, certainly I don't think that Nebraska is a "bad person", but that being limited to traditional expectations and how to achieve them, really prevented either relationship from being anything more than what they were.
Every now and then, I do find myself thinking about reaching out and making a connection... simply for the sake of community. But as I type these words in a quiet, lonley corridor at the South Omaha campus of Metro Community College, when I could have just as easily chosen to do so in one of the commons area, where " where there is music and there is people and they're young and alive", I think says more about me than anything that I have manage to write down...
Another personal goal for the month is to continue to progress with my workout regimen. I have a goal of accomplishing a "1200lbs lift", which is a combined total of three different lifts, the squat, the deadlift, and the bench press. When I first approached the idea of doing the lift, I brazenly claimed that I will do a 600 lb squat! Now my current max, accomplished two years ago was 405 lbs, and to go from that to a 600 lb max, is quite staggering! The reason that I figured on doing that much weight is I know that my bench press is going to underperform, and I would have to make up the weight somewhere. But I have since re-tooled my estimates, looking to get 500 lbs in both the squat and dead lift, leaving me with a meager 200 lbs to go for my bench press. Even should I pull off "the grand" in the dead and squat lifts, I still will try to best my previous high of 265 lbs in the bench press. I think that I will do a video... maybe even put it up on Facebook to wow everyone that gets my feed!
Finally, today I am dragging my stinky (woke up late... had school and took not a bath..!) self to the Joslyn to check out the "American Moderns" exhibit. Then I can go across the street to the fitness club where I am employed and work out..! Sounds like a "winner, winner, chicken dinner" schedule to me..!