Was able to finish a trying spring term of school. I was able to scrape by with a “C” in my Psychology class with a “C” ( hey, ”C’s” get degrees..!) and while I did not pass Spanish, I did do as Mark Twain advises and I did “fail better”. Though I won’t use it as an excuse, having to discuss some of the issues of brain function and the consequence of changes in the brain (as the topic was a part of many psych discussions) was a problem of sorts for me. Twice a week, it felt like I was looking under the hood of a car whose engine is missing. Additionally, I had a lingering gout flair for the past six weeks that took away from my ability to focus and be attentive to most of the tasks that I had to accomplish.
Though I have not been able to confirm as of yet, Lexxie is likely not to be coming out to see me this summer. Communications between me and her have become strained once again, though there are no obvious reasons for the lack of response from her. Instead of speculating, I will keep things moving and keep being vigilant in establishing communications with her.
In other news… I have been watching a bit of Netflix recently. And when I say “bit”, I mean that I may watch a couple of shows and then move on to something else. I still watch “The IT Crowd”, and I have added “Daredevil” to stuff that I can let play while I am sitting around. But it was the movie, “Nebraska”, a film that I really enjoyed and thought was nicely done that kind of crystallizes the difference in my interests and what I am drawn to and that which I believe others would find interesting and worthwhile. Sitting around and watching mindless comedy or simplistic, low-branch dramas just are not worth my time. I’d rather skim through a book or read and correlate ideas that I can adopt into my own philosophical perspectives. Anywho, I am only willing to go see “Ride Along” if it means that when I make a suggestion for the cinema, that my choice is not regarded with disdain and scoffed at because it may appear to lie outside of one’s norm for entertainment.
Whenever I think about the state of the interpersonal relationships in my life, as well as the future potential of them, I kind of think wistfully and the snickering grin of the twerpy teenage self manifests itself until I feel the full presence of who I was at 17, unsure about what lay ahead of him, but eager to get on with what “the life’s pursuit”. The connectedness that I have had with people, women in particular, have already exceeded my hopes. And though I don’t have the material wealth that for some would signify a good, happy, and full life, the life I have led, the life that I lead, continues to fill me each and every day. My regrets are few, and I await my future with an unflagging enthusiasm… whether it is a future spent shared with anyone or not.
I have begun to become a little unnerved at those who are left unsettled at the idea of aging without a partner. I remember the comic strip, “The Norm” ran a strip with the titular character and his wife dancing and narration read: “Life’s a dance; Find a partner!”. I remember clipping it out (and I prolly still have the strip in question) and thinking to myself that someone is going to want to “dance with me” and I never was too concerned about finding someone to be with. But I cut that comic out a couple of decades ago… and here I am, still dancing through life without a partner. And the thing of it, is that it does not matter to me whether I find someone to partner with or not. It is just that when I hear people say that it is a cornerstone to their future happiness in middle age… am I crazy or what? Why don’t I feel ANYTHING tangible about being by myself?
Questions like that and other rhetoric takes up some of the free space on my mental hard drive. I don’t think that it is because of something that I am ACTUALLY thinking about or even feel. It is the echoes of the many other lonely souls that are dashing about town, from the few whom I know and the many others that I see and feel as I “jog ‘round town”. And when I watch movies like “Nebraska” or do things like go to the Joslyn Art Museum to primarily see the works of particular artists.
One Saturday I went to get a haircut and in the barbershop I go to, there are a couple of televisions. Both of them have a cable hook-up but for some reason, only the one in the front of the shop, was on. The female barber there “sorta maybe” would like to meet me outside of the barber shop, but moments like this particular day has always kept me from speaking to her outside of the client-barber relationship.
Though she had a cat in her chair and was clipping him up, she kept stealing glances at the television. BET was showing the sequel to “Big Momma’s House” and seeing her do that created terminal friction between the possibility of her and I establishing anything outside of the barber shop and my own hopes and expectations of a potential partner. Why was she still finding herself drawn to a movie that she has no doubt seen before, and why would I want to know more about someone who found the entertainment magnetism of such fare that distracting to where she could not devote full concentration at her ONE JOB at hand? And my observation does get a bit more complicated than just that moment, but the result of it all is that I gained enough information to reach a decision on my possible interest in her.
I do believe that there is a way that you carry yourself when you are really open to full participation in a relationship. - Me
What makes me concern with being alone… first, the point of this particular entry as well as any similar in the past, is the research on loneliness. It is a negative impact on a person’s health, particularly a man’s health. Not having a partner to encourage doctor’s visits, monitor diet, to say nothing of what having someone to interact with does in preventing cognitive decline, is on my radar. But each day I open my door, I also open the potential to interact with others in a meaningful way. People that I see on my routine travels, to the impulsive detours that I take, all carry weight, carry meaning. And while I did choose to hobble along with my gout for the month of May, I don’t take any changes in my health (mental or physical) lightly and I keep and make appointments when necessary and not only when convenient. Along with an improving diet and my interest in physical exercise, the only area that I may be lacking is in the social aspect.
Finding the right people to be a part of your life… since I have always been picky about people who I allow intimate access to me, the “right people” have continually seemed to “find me” as much as I have found them. The people who I count in my life come up big in different ways, not immediately noticeable and often done unconsciously. The small things, from asking if I am doing alright and need a day off at work, to getting up from the desk at the atrium of my apartment building so I don’t struggle as much bring in my groceries, these things matter the most to me. The big stuff… I will manage that to the best of my abilities. Besides, being alone is not the same as being lonely.