ALMOST DONE WITH 2016

JUST A GENERAL ENTRY

The holiday season has never been one of my best times.  Since I am more at home by myself, it is only in the presence of other people that the complications begin.  The quote, “Hell is other people”, by Jean-Paul Sartre, exemplifies the feelings that beset me at times such as this.  Having to deal with not only what you are supposed to be, but also what others think of what you are supposed to be is a burdensome weight.  This year, one of the realizations of a plausible solution has crept to the fore.  Who knows, had the recent Presidential election been different…

...and no, I don’t want to expound on politics.  I have been experimenting with not being informed, not minding what is being considered “newsworthy”.  My focus is on getting myself prepared for the future, and being overly concerned about the world outside of my orbit is not a part of being focused.  For the next four years, at least, I will be practicing “disengagement” from broad, and political, newsworthy stories.

It has been a transition.  You are talking about a healthy habit that has been over 40 years in the making.  From NPR to Beth’s Facebook feed, any information that does not have the most direct and immediate impact in my life has, at least for me, little use.  So it will be interesting to walk around deliberately uninformed, as the notion that it is a choice to be ignorant is different from not even being interested in current events, is something that I have always thought of as criminal, the breaking of a social contract between myself and society.

School is been going well.  American History and Critical Reasoning, two subjects that I rather enjoy, are my classes this term.  The Native American Trump-tastic student doesn’t seem to be as unbalanced as he first came across, and I even shared my book with him.  While it could have been a show of character for me, it also doubled as a “keep your friends close, but potential mass murders who need to be kept closer” kind of moment for me.  American History has been tame, focus on America after Columbus and such.  I await the discussions on slavery and the Civil War, but what this class has really done has re-established my belief in the construction of the top-down social system that exists across all of society and culture.

Finally, I am going to focus in on some of the things that I believe it takes in becoming fit.  Not only will I suggest exercises and perhaps a workout that achieves goals and physical changes, but I also hope to discuss the true nuts and bolts to fitness, the mental and chemical influences that help to shape our shapes!  Happy holidays!!

NEBRASKA - LIKE THE MOVIE

 CONCEPTUAL PERPETUITY

Was able to finish a trying spring term of school.  I was able to scrape by with a “C” in my Psychology class with a “C” ( hey, ”C’s” get degrees..!)  and while I did not pass Spanish, I did do as Mark Twain advises and I did “fail better”.  Though I won’t use it as an excuse, having to discuss some of the issues of brain function and the consequence of changes in the brain (as the topic was a part of many psych discussions) was a problem of sorts for me.  Twice a week, it felt like I was looking under the hood of a car whose engine is missing.  Additionally, I had a lingering gout flair for the past six weeks that took away from my ability to focus and be attentive to most of the tasks that I had to accomplish.

Though I have not been able to confirm as of yet, Lexxie is likely not to be coming out to see me this summer.  Communications between me and her have become strained once again, though there are no obvious reasons for the lack of response from her.  Instead of speculating, I will keep things moving and keep being vigilant in establishing communications with her.

In other news… I have been watching a bit of Netflix recently.  And when I say “bit”, I mean that I may watch a couple of shows and then move on to something else.  I still watch “The IT Crowd”, and I have added “Daredevil” to stuff that I can let play while I am sitting around.  But it was the movie, “Nebraska”, a film that I really enjoyed and thought was nicely done that kind of crystallizes the difference in my interests and what I am drawn to and that which I believe others would find interesting and worthwhile.  Sitting around and watching a mindless comedy or simplistic, low-branch dramas just are not worth my time.  I’d rather skim through a book or read and correlate ideas that I can adapt into my own philosophical perspectives.  Anywho, I am only willing to go see “Ride Along” if it means that when I make a suggestion for the cinema, that my choice is not regarded with disdain and scoffed at because it may appear to lie outside of one’s norm for entertainment.

Whenever I think about the state of the interpersonal relationships in my life, as well as the future potential of them, I kind of think wistfully and the snickering grin of the twerpy teenage self manifests itself until I feel the full presence of who I was at 17, unsure about what lay ahead of him, but eager to get on with what  “the life’s pursuit”.  The connectedness that I have had with people, women, in particular, has already exceeded my hopes.  And though I don’t have the material wealth that for some would signify a good, happy, and full life, the life I have led, the life that I lead, continues to fill me each and every day.  My regrets are few, and I await my future with an unflagging enthusiasm… whether it is a future spent shared with anyone or not.

I have begun to become a little unnerved at those who are left unsettled at the idea of aging without a partner.  I remember the comic strip, “The Norm” ran a strip with the titular character and his wife dancing and narration read: “Life’s a dance; Find a partner!”.  I remember clipping it out (and I prolly still have the strip in question) and thinking to myself that someone is going to want to  “dance with me” and I never was too concerned about finding someone to be with.  But I cut that comic out a couple of decades ago… and here I am, still dancing through life without a partner.  And the thing about it is that it does not matter to me whether I find someone to partner with or not.  It is just that when I hear people say that it is a cornerstone to their future happiness in middle age… am I crazy or what?  Why don’t I feel ANYTHING tangible about being by myself?

Questions like that and other rhetoric take up some of the free space on my mental hard drive.  I don’t think that it is because of something that I am ACTUALLY thinking about or even feel.  It is the echoes of the many other lonely souls that are dashing about town, from the few whom I know and the many others that I see and feel as I “jog ‘round town”.  And when I watch movies like “Nebraska” or do things like go to the Joslyn Art Museum to primarily see the works of particular artists.

One Saturday I went to get a haircut and in the barbershop, I go to, there are a couple of televisions.  Both of them have a cable hook-up but for some reason, only the one in the front of the shop was on.  The female barber there “sorta maybe” would like to meet me outside of the barbershop, but moments like this particular day have always kept me from speaking to her outside of the client-barber relationship.

Though she had a cat in her chair and was clipping him up, she kept stealing glances at the television.  BET was showing the sequel to “Big Momma’s House” and seeing her do that created terminal friction between the possibility of her and me establishing anything outside of the barbershop and my own hopes and expectations of a potential partner.  Why was she still finding herself drawn to a movie that she has no doubt seen before, and why would I want to know more about someone who found the entertainment magnetism of such fare that distracting to where she could not devote full concentration at her ONE JOB at hand?  And my observation does get a bit more complicated than just that moment, but the result of it all is that I gained enough information to reach a decision on my possible interest in her.

I do believe that there is a way that you carry yourself when you are really open to full participation in a relationship. - Me

What makes me concern with being alone… first, the point of this particular entry as well as any similar in the past, is the research on loneliness.  It is a negative impact on a person’s health, particularly a man’s health.  Not having a partner to encourage doctor’s visits, monitor diet, to say nothing of what having someone to interact with does in preventing cognitive decline, is on my radar.  But each day I open my door, I also open the potential to interact with others in a meaningful way.  People that I see on my routine travels, to the impulsive detours that I take, all carry weight, carry meaning.  And while I did choose to hobble along with my gout for the month of May, I don’t make any changes in my health (mental or physical) lightly and I keep and make appointments when necessary and not only when convenient.  Along with an improving diet and my interest in physical exercise, the only area that I may be lacking is in the social aspect.

Finding the right people to be a part of your life… since I have always been picky about people who I allow intimate access to me, the “right people” have continually seemed to “find me” as much as I have found them.  The people who I count in my life come up big in different ways, not immediately noticeable, and often done unconsciously.  The small things, from asking if I am doing alright and need a day off at work, to get up from the desk at the atrium of my apartment building so I don’t struggle as much to bring in my groceries, these things matter the most to me.  The big stuff… I will manage that to the best of my abilities.  Besides, being alone is not the same as being lonely.

...AND THE FUTURE COMES INTO FOCUS FOR BUT AN INSTANT

Closing out a week where I was able to keep hope alive!!

In my Spanish 101 class, I was able to bring in a 79 on my most recent quiz!  Tweaked my study habits and I was able to grasp a little more than I had with previous lessons.  Now I don't think that I will be able to have a conversation or anything in Spanish... yet!  But I am back on my way to being able to do just that!!  I am glad that I was able to suck it up, but more on why that is later, man!!

Printed out and mailed away Lexxie's flight information for the end of July.  I am already excited about that, even if all we do is look at one another (which, I can assure you, we won't be limited to!!).  One of the things that I think happens with mail that I send her is that it gets intercepted, because I usually send her a little spending money along with a card or a note.  Since I have never received a confirmation from her that she has received anything... anywho, after finally reaching her on the phone, I feel less inclined to give her custodian the benefit of the doubt and not consider my belief that someone is hijacking communications between us.  At any rate, I hope to have her for a week-and-a-half, with my taking a full week of her visit off.  It also means that I will have cable for a couple of months this summer... we will see if that will be long enough to make me desire television viewing again, but I sincerely doubt it.

“I don’t have to be perfect. All I have to do is show up and enjoy the messy, imperfect and beautiful journey of my life.” ~ Kerry Washington

I am not a cat who frequently pays attention to the comments of celebrities.  So much of what they say seems to be calibrated in such a way to make them seem like something that they are not.  But this is a statement that should replace the oft-repeated quote attributed (and she may have NEVER said such mess) to Marilyn Monroe, about "being at worst and best".  It is difficult for me to parse the quote because it covers so much about accepting that not only is their no such thing as a "perfect" person, but in accepting that they themselves are also with flaws, that flaws does not necessarily serve to impair the quality of ones own life.  And neither, I might add, should any of the "imperfections of my person" have any bearing on the person that I have grown into, or the one that I have yet to be.

The article that motivated this entry is not the same one that I borrowed Kerry Washington's quote from.  As I read it and I thought about "certain people I know", I could not help but unconsciously nod in agreement with the author, and with certain statements like, "My checkered past has made me who I am' it has made me more interesting, more intrinsically appealing", which is something that I have always felt about myself, as I ran heedless in my "early burglary years".

Who wants someone without a flaw in their character?  Even as I still remain outside the paradigm for the general woman, I look at those who still are in search of a Prince astride his stallion, impeccable in his riding coat and jodhpurs, boots caked with mud from the match on the polo grounds.  With a jaunty grin and rakish gleam in his eye, dismounting his steed with an effervescence that belies his grace and care, he sweeps her into his arms and bestows upon her --

Aw, whatever... I think that a reader would get the point.  Prince Valiant, with sufficient funds to where that they only had to volunteer or work part-time to simply "amuse themselves". Que sera, I won't begrudge anyone their desire, especially when I KNOW that their desire isn't me.  That is part of why I have always been as forthright as I have been with others, because those who have those "perfect" lives, like the "peaked-in-high-school Rob Lowe", often are deliberate in their hiding of their wounds and scars.  That's cool.  I would rather your wear yours without shame, and allow me to admire them as they are, untarnished with shame or regret.  As for my wounds and what they do for me?  Well, and I am going to borrow this phrase, I believe that they have, along with my past, "...given me unfathomable depths; ...has made me more interesting, more intrinsically appealing."

Think of it; a cat who claims to have seen the world and has only the barest of evidence of his travels... save for a few photos, who would even believe I went to South Bend?  And if I did not have daughters from Carolina, who would think I was from there??  Heck, no one wonders if I am not from Omaha... and were it not for introducing myself, they would have never guessed that I was not a native!  And I say that to make the point that it really is the still waters that run deepest, and there is no need for me to be boastful about anything.  I already know who I am; I am secure within myself.

While there are mysteries within mysteries for me to reveal about myself, who would want to hear the tales of a bland, unimaginative existence of being safely moored in harbor, rather than tested by rough seas of having lived a life worth a story?  The person who wants that is not the person for me.

As chippy and choppy as things have been for me, are right now, and as I am sure they will be in days to come, I am doing well.  I consider myself as still flourishing, still maintaining the necessary balance in my life that is keeps all the plates I have spinning, going strong.  Right now, though things are really challenging, but I still have the ability, and the opportunity to "be extraordinary", and that is just what I plan on doing.

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SEA THAT I AM DROWNING IN

I did not do as well as I had hoped on my midterm on Tuesday.  Not “worried” as I have a good overall average, but the midterm was definitely a place where I could have gotten some separation from the “line to gain”.

It was a dreary day in Omaha, overcast from the start with rains in the mid-afternoon.  I was supposed to meet with Nebraska for dinner but when I got into my apartment, I was wiped.  Changed into my sleepwear and fell heavily into bed, where a smurf was OUT.  I did get up around 6:30 pm, did something, and went back to bed.  Woke up around 12:30 am, and started piddling around.  Meet with my job counselor tomorrow morning.  There is a restaurant the Nebraska introduced me to, Wheatfields, taking applications and I would love if they pulled mine for an interview.  Wish me luck!

Had the most interesting dream… it was of Tee Jay and we had spent the day together as friends, and were now sitting at a bistro and chattering about her going to college.  I was trying to encourage her to do the same I as was doing, and she had a small crisis of confidence.  I say “small”, because I had her back and we were going to get her through school no matter what it took! 

My body is more tired than anything.  Sometimes it feels as if it doesn’t really want to function, which is why I took the bus to school ( all the buses here have bike racks) and essentially felt like an outdated robot lumbering around.  Saturday I will be up at 0500 so that I can go and do my volunteer work for my Human Relations class.  I plan on taking notes as I don’t know what the organization does, but it will qualify for my group’s term project.

One of the reasons that this is a jumbled entry is that I have “things” going on just like everyone else.  If you make something that matters to you, matter, then you will find a way to get things done, and you will include it in your day no matter how busy or whatever obstacles there are.  There are days where I wake up and think to myself that I should just, “shut it down” and let the day go by.  When I stop, I get these flares of pain, a low but steady aching, both in my muscles and going bone deep, and no pain medicine seem to do anything about.  Then I think that the crystals that form gout and causes joint pain are breaking up in my body, but as they do, they are getting caught in other areas and start to cause discomfort.  I don’t know if that is accurate… but that is what I am feeling.  Then there is trying to cope with recognizing and placing everyone, keeping track of my goals for the day and adding whatever new is coming along with my plans.

WHICH BRINGS ME TO THIS

With Mitt Romney’s wife in the news recently as an example of stay-at-home Mom’s being overlooked, it highlights the differences between stay-at-home Mom’s by choice and those who are there because of attrition in their primary relationships.  Though I don’t think that Ann Romney has the same kind of struggle that many single Mom’s do for instance, the two that I mentioned in this entry, Nebraska and Tee Jay for example, I do think that sometimes single Mom’s are looked at as unassailable out of a guilt complex because they are also victims of the hierarchal social system we live under.  And frankly, I don’t give a shit.

One of the reasons that I don’t is my personal experience.  No, I am not a single Mom, but I have had to play one on TV.  I have been around several in my lifetime and while I won’t say that there is nothing new to being involved with them, I will say that I do get that while each case has its own profile, there are similarities that are clear to nearly all of them.  And there are common misconceptions about their burden and how vital a function they serve.  I guess in the macro-social world, there is some merit to it, but again, I am talking more about me.

Since I started “relating” with women as an adult, I have never shied away from a single Mother.  I was raised by one and I like to think that I kind of “get it”.  And while I understand the uniqueness of an individual, the idea that theirs is the only one “like it” is nonsensical.  I mean, I get if someone says, “Well this is my choice and I am sticking with it,” but it kind of defies convention to be open to relationships but to define terms that are favorable only to one self.  My starter wife did that, had a piss-poor opinion of men, and had created a picture of herself as the last sane woman in the world, one who did not “play that mess” and “was definitely not a joke”.  Well, what-the-fuck-ever.

SEE, THERE IS A WAY THAT YOU TALK WHEN YOU WANT A JOB

Anywho, I hope that I can get a look-see for the positions they have open at Wheatfield’s.  Either one would be fine by me, I just would like to get out and have a job.  Then I can tell a working Mother that I too, work, go to school and I do it all while dealing with my disability.  But I am sure that they will find something else to add to their struggle, to make themselves evoke more sympathy and somehow make their struggle more noble.

I don’t understand why even want for a relationship if you are so concerned with the duty of being a Mother and coping with any of your other duties and obligations?  I feel like saying, “Play ‘em off, Flavor Flav,” and dropping the line from “Can’t Do Nuthin’ For You Man” on them:  It was YOU who made your due… YOU built a maze YOU can’t get through…

Blah.  Just a general rant from my experiences and I theories about “why” things end up the way that they do.  And how I sleep guiltlessly as possible, unless I discover that I did not do as well as I hoped on my Algebra test, and I have a long ride in the cold, wet, rain…