Wednesday, March 4, 2015



I will likely never to go in-depth about my condition.  This is not because I have a problem with sharing my experiences as a disabled cat, but I would rather let an explanation from authority relay the list of symptoms and issues than for me to be drawn into an ad hoc debate/comparison/competition with someone about it.  If a person is interested and really sincere, they will at the very least glean from a reputable source the symptoms and then ask me what my particular episode is like with the condition that I am afflicted with.  For me and for all concerned parties, I feel that would be best.  That was one of the reasons that I was once open to letting Nebraska accompany me on a session with my therapist a time or two. Because as Anthony Griffith indicated in his spoken word piece, there are some things that in the African-American community that we have trouble comprehending and understanding.  I believe that injuries like mine is among the indelicate conversations African-American people have. Anywho, I do feel better, dealing with the small things that prolly would bug someone else, particularly, if they were not aware that they indeed were walking around with brain damage.

One of the things that popped up on my societal radar recently is a SNL skit where they mocked an Armed Forces commercial (which I have never seen).  In the SNL parody, the father and daughter have the type of emotional good-byes that is associated with sending someone off to college or, as in this case, the service.  Only in this instance, the daughter (one Dakota "Shades of Grey" Johnson) wasn't going off to a branch of the United States services, but to join a white pick-up truck filled with guys dressed in Arabic-style insurgent gear... she was going off to join ISIS..!  Some people has a snit fit over it, obviously forgetting how we as a country, watch our media and entertainment mock unapologetically the opposition during WWII.  If you were one of the people who watched the skit and got your panties in a bunch because of it, f*ck you.  If you are so unable to form an informed opinion of your own, following in knee-jerk synchronization with other low-powered bulbs, then there is little hope for you.

In my discussions with Nebraska, the ones prior to recent turn of events, I never got to let her know how much I appreciated the gifts she gave me for my first Christmas in Omaha, or how big a thrill it was for me to finally meet her in our first adventure in Chicago.  Then there was when her middle daughter hooked up a project for me.  Though I mentioned them a time or two in my blog, the feelings were quickly overrun in the tide of what was actually taking place between us. And not unlike my ex-wife's diss of Tommy Hearns or her physically assaulting me as she threw me out of our home, the reasons that I did not whitewash how I felt about my Phillip Roth-like complaints, are that they have roots in my past, unfocused and immature, sense of judgment regarding things that I have never again wanted to repeat in my life.

Since communications between us has completely broken down, I have no idea of how she feels about me.  Rather than being sad or feeling like I somehow lost out on something (pretty hard to feel that way since I have on several occasions been reminded that we never actually "had" anything) promising, I don't have the feeling of lost.  As to the reason why that is, well, that is a simple as an objective reading of the rules that I have chosen to live by.


This is a question that has a simple answer.  But all too often, it is the simple things that are harder to implement as an action, with the more mundane something is, the more likely that it is something I have found that a person will let slip by.

As a young boy, it seemed fairly clear why the young women in and around me in my life at the time were having the problems that they were with their boyfriends.  Whatever had them overlook the traits and flaws, those of simple selfishness to those that signs that mark bigger flaws in a person, such as those that would mark the faithfulness or kindness of a person, continued to leave me baffled.  Even as sisters would use a broad brush and paint men as "no good" (or as my ex-wife used to say, "A man is a dog and a dog is a man"... yeesh) and whatever, they would still be compelled to act with a lemming-like behavior in the chase of what they believed was love.

Even as I would rant 'n rave about African-American women, in my mind it was always with a caveat, my comments said with an understanding that most of the "why" to their behavior was due in no small part to their reaction to the behavior of African-American men.  That said, if you have figured out that most of you choices for a potential partner are likely to have certain flaws to their character, then somewhere in the process that has to be a way to separate "the wheat from the chaff", so to speak.  If there are anything in an individuals methodology in choosing a partner that keeps bringing them back to the same kind of partner, then, it isn't necessarily that "all men are dogs and a dog is a man", but just maybe it is you...

A big part of the reason that people choose poorly has to do with their mental state.  Affirming the African-American prejudice in getting psychological help (which is mirrored somewhat by Scientology... so you can just imagine how wrong-headed the idea of psychological health care being an exclusive privilege is), is the lack of general understanding of our emotional health.  A TED Talk given by the psychologist Guy Winch that was shared to me by Thomas, reminded me of when I was a little pre-pubescent child who read above his level.  Nearly all of the things that Dr. Winch talks about, especially with the things that exacerbates the problems of unhealthy mental health, are second nature to me.  I can understand how difficult it must be to develop the habits of good mental health, because so few seem to have them.  The irony is that those who were/are bullies to me and are now as adults projecting the scars of their emotional distress, still are unable to face the nature of their actual problems.  Which leads them to make the same mistakes over and over, in spite of the superficial difference that they may have observed... because they are still doing the same thing, following the same script.


I remember from one of the comments I got in the AOL Journals days spoke to the kind of woman that I would partner with is going to have to be intelligent.  And I think that it was correct in the sense that whoever I am with is going to have to be nimble of mind and capable of holding her own in conversations on a myriad number of topics.  But not only should this potential person be capable of holding their own intellectually, but their emotional maturity and growth may be of even more critically importance.  To me, the emotional capability of a person informs their intellect and the both then are increased.  But intellect alone is less than without an emotional grounding.  Emotional maturity, I think, allows a person to be capable of doing what Fitzgerald suggests, being able to manage both what they believe against what they don't, and not invalidate either belief intellectually or emotionally.  This is something that I strive for in my personal relationships, and in those where this is lacking, the relationships withers as a result of the paucity of respect that comes with having a working balance between what one knows and what one feels.

"When I am focused on small things, then I don't have to worry about larger ones." - a quote or something resembling the source, which is from someone who is more wise than I am

If character is about the things that you do when you think that it won't come to anyone else's attention, then the scope of that character is based on what matters to you and is comprised of the things you qualify as priorities.  This is where the most obvious signs of trouble in relationships can be seen and is most often ignored.  If a person is capable of "cutting you" in the small regularities of the everyday... the trifles of life, then there is NO DOUBT that for you, this is not the person you want to hinge your emotional stability upon.  The thing about the trifles are that they are not to be confused with petty or insignificant.  You can't consider a ride to a grocery store or a request for company "small" because on the surface it may seem so to you.  But when you take something that one person holds in a different regard than you do and your prejudice causes you to unjustly diminish another's personal sense of urgency, that is the instigation to "relationship fail".

Whenever I have been told that I "think too much" or that I "take things seriously", I have interpreted those words to mean that they are less concerned with the importance of whatever it is to someone else and are limited to the opinion of the significance of the subject of the conversation.  Too often, I have been that "someone else".  When it comes to the general population, I am cool with that and I may even agree with this assessment (but only to an extent; beyond that, I could care less).  But if to someone who is seeking to build a deep and meaningful relationship with me, I just can't do it.

Only on the surface and to the superficial does "how I think" look overly complex and straining towards a philosophical depth.  "I am human and I need to be loved... just like everyone else does", goes the song, "How Soon Is Now?".  And as the mournful soul whose heart lies at the bottom of those lyrics bemoans their perceived fate, do I find myself trying to avoid the label of being deep.  Using my "community" again as a scapegoat, when I was growing up, seeming too intellectual was also seen as a betrayal to your race... UGH..!  Anywho, I don't like being called deep because I only have a superficial understanding of what other's may think that I understand.  That said, if you think that you are going to enter into a relationship with me at the same level of conversation that you may have pursued other relationships with, I think that you ought to think about it!!

Wow... I have been running my mouth, using a lot of words but am I really saying anything?  Welcome to my public diary, as much of what I have said is nearly engulfed in unnecessary verbiage!  Some of this excessive ranting is due to the various challenges that I am facing as direct as I can... and the rest is due to unresolved feelings about Nebraska.  But, I am not seeking or asking for a resolution... I am going to go on (and don't stop..!) with myself...


abbiestreehouse said...

One thing that sets you apart from the herd is that when there's a problem, you examine it. I think most Americans look for distraction or a cosmetic solution, and you're digging for the source.

And on an entirely different note: every time you call yourself "cat" I feel like this blog is somehow traveling in a wormhole back to the 1970s. I love that! :)

Ken Riches said...

We cracked up when we saw that skit, and were not surprised that they caught flak for it...