Since there are new names who may or may not be reading this, I figure I will go into what I think I am doing in my journal.
My style is patterned after the best show on radio, 'This American Life'. To be honest, as folks may have divined by now, it could have been called, 'How Mark LIVES His Life'. There is a theme or central point, and the story spins out from that. Sometimes they connect in an obvious fashion, sometimes they are bound by wisps of a spider's thread. Sometimes, there may be nothing there at all.
Every so often, I will say about 'a something' that may be a little unclear, that 'I may or may not get back to it'. The reason it is 'left in the air' like that, is once I feel that I have realized something, the perspective changes, and I go from there. No sense in going back and struggling with the 'what may have, but didn't ever happen', and ripping up things for no other reason than to feel pain. Uh, f*ck that.
Life is going to punch you in the nose ANYWAY. Why help it by purposely doing something to hurt yourself?
Earlier in the week, Nebraska (the person) and Ihad a falling out. For her, she thinks I talk about how I am going to get there too much (I KNOW that I don't, but that is a sign...), and that I keep pushing the date back ... uh, until June of NEXT YEAR, any time prior to that is fine. For and to me, I should say.
What is it for her? You know what, I can't say that it even matters, not as much as it matters that I am going to where I am supposed to be. Did I mention that this person, who I am using as a lighthouse, doesn't see an 'us' between us? She has avoided saying any 'magic words', but has made it clear that she has her sights on what she has her sights set on.
The only thing that I have asked for, is that she be a good friend, and that she lets me know if her plans take her away from there before I get used to the place. But I am back in the Motor, and if I can find my way around, even with all the twists and turns here, why SHOULDN'T I expect to find my way around the farms and fields I am expecting to find there?
Now, I realize that I am making a broad caricature of Nebaska as a state (fooled ya!!), but I do that purposely. People can get undone by their doubts ... and let the uncertainty get to them. I am going to find what I find there ... like I found in the provencial town I was in, the small towns of the Tar Heel state ... the places I have been where ever I have gone.
After all, once you are there, there you are. Making jokes about 'corn country', keeps me from being overwhelemed by 'questions' about the fitness of my decision.
So she is sore with me ... and I can honestly say that I don't know why. And I can just as honestly say that I am not sure that I care, either. My question that I ask myself is, can I manage this trick all on my lonely?
As I sit here, the feeling of 'being over it' is strong. I will email her after I post this. Because you see, the bet isn't on 'us', because she has taken herself out of that equation. The bet is on ME. Do I believe the things I write about, the feelings that I have expressed about moving. The answer is, yes.
But I would be disappointed if we end up falling out over something so very, very, inconsequential. This isn't the type of conversation I want to write out between us, because I think there is a context that cannot be subsituted in an email. Could call her ... we will see. Good or bad, something is going to be missed if it isn't face to face. If she doesn't mention it, neither will I.
She says she doesn't read me anyway ... whatever. Tomorrow I open my personal 'training camp', and will get into a more focused kind of working out. I want to be lean when I check out the Star Trek exhibit with Ken and Beth at the Science Center!
Will let that be a part of the theme for next week as well.