DEAD BEFORE THE THE SHIP WAS EVEN SUNK*

A BRIDGE TOO FAR


I remember watching the movie ‘A Bridge Too Far’ on the telly and how heroic the Allied Forces were in the face of a bad plan that was made worse by the ineptitude of the British leadership. Since I was already reading the Time-Life WW II books and watching ‘The World At War’ on Channel 4 back in Detroit (since the 7-8 p.m. hour is local affiliate time, WWJ had a rotation of shows that air during the week, including ‘Wild Kingdom’ and George Perot’s travel show), my affection for the military would only become more entrenched watching it. What stood out was the how quickly, almost instantaneously, Operation Market Garden unraveled.


Kind of like a certain concept that I put into development and have moved into application. Before I get comments about ‘gloom and doom’, I would caution you, my beloved reader-friends, that I tend to use the harsh self-analysis to insure that I am not getting full of myself. While I don’t want to lapse into parody here, honestly, this move has been executed about as well as Field Marshal Montgomery’s plan to push the beleaguered German forces far back across the Rhine. With that said, I am plenty angry about what happened recently. While I have absolutely never been anywhere NEAR at fault in any accident, this has been the first time since I have retired that my head hit as hard as it did during this one. My helmet’s foam had a crack from the impact and I only can remember that Nebraska came and stood by my bedside while I was being treated. What anyone said and who was on the staff… If I am anything right now, it is this… I am angry.

Not for a minute have I let my self-victimization rise above the creative hyperbole that you read here. I can allow for a lot of karma … but this is something else entirely. Finding the words to describe what I got through daily has been difficult because my ego had not bought into the conditions. So I don’t remember this as well and it takes me longer to read stuff… I did not let any of that keep me from coming up with ambitious goals to shoot for. Even when it comes to going to school and eventually getting back on the grid by finding a job with a degree in hand… maybe even cobbling together enough of my missives for a series of essays, or find the inspirations for short stories or a novel perhaps. Right now, I am simply angry. And my head hurts.

AND IF I HAD ONE, THAT IS WHAT I WOULD BE DOING!!

AND A GEAR SLIPS

Got the strangest note from DHS today ... my medicaid was cut. Says I make too much money. WHAT THE HELL!?!

Of course, the first thing that I do when after I showered and started off on my bike was take a spill. I didn't break anything, which is super good, seeing as I DID NOT KNOW as of yet that I didn't have anyone to pay for crap.




Moby did a decent cover to this song. But Mission of Burma is another one of those underrated bands that I liked, such as Television, that I don't think got their just do. This was the song that I like the most by them, and the one that came to mind when I got home.

It is easy to see where people's irrational anger comes from. Some arbitrary 'something ' comes along and knocks them for a loop. I hate dealing with the dehumanization that comes with the DHS. It is an adversarial relationship because they treat their customers like ADVERSARIES.

Now I have to request a hearing, and have them explain why I get too much money. Maybe they finally caught up to the paperwork I submitted to the job I had for two weeks and got ONE check from this year.

So I have been up all night, trying to get to sleep. I don't know what I feel, because there is turmoil in every sphere (I don't know if it is in each area of my life ... but I always wanted to find a reason to use that word as an adjective for something!!) of my life. Stuff keeps on happening, and it is happening to me.

Anywho, enjoy MOB. They do rock, at least to me!!

ET TU, BRUTE

THE LEAK WAS FOUND

I got an email from an unexpected person, my one-time BFF. She took the step of including her phone number, so I dialed her straight away.


We caught up, dished a little about the company and since it is part of the Auto industry, she also had bad news for herself ... she was recently let go. Didn't get too much into that.


Told her about my various journeys and caught her up with Nebraska, the SFC and ...


...AKA.


After we hung up, something started whirring in my head, and a print out read SHE TOLD. See, when we worked together, we chatted about all things romantic. I told her exactly WHY me & AKA was never an official couple. Now, me and AKA haven't spoken, but she did send me an e-mail and in it contained lines that said that I violated her confidence in me ...


I remember scrunching up my face, because who would I have told other than folks that read my journal ... Alaina, Tawnya? Have YOU been randomly talking about someone you wouldn't know from a can of paint and only have the sketchiest of outline's of their character?


No, that is totally preposterous. But there is one, and ONLY one person who would know of AKA, at least through me. My BFF. She knew. And there is only one, tight degree of separation between my BFF and AKA.


That is what I get for thinking I could confide in someone. I know stuff about her that, well, now it HAS to go with me to the grave, but still, I'd never tell. So I suspect that she ran her mouth, and she didn't have to.



WITH FRIENDS LIKE THIS ...

"If I get there before you do, I am obligated to bore a hole and pull you through. --unknown."

I got that from a journal that I occasionally muster up the courage to read about a wonderful woman who is certainly showing as much bravery and grace as more famous female warriors dealing with breast cancer.

While I had been too awed by her strength to nab that earlier, because I don't know if as screwed up as I am, that I qualified to say that about myself.

But AKA knows that for real, that she didn't have to call me out like that. In fact, her embarrassment over what got leaked is part of her problem. She is fooling herself and she suffers for it.

My BFF ... man, it hurts because I did everything I could, including going out of my way to pick her up ... she lived at 23rd and something, close to Livernois. I lived out near Palmer Park ... we WORKED in Southfield. And whatever she managed to share on gas, I took gladly and no complaints. Single mom with three girls, what was I going to do?

She had personal issues, I was a shoulder for her. She needed help at the house, there I was, lending a hand. All for a friend. Not that I was bangin' her or anything. Sure she was pretty, and I could see why everyone else was attracted to her, but she wasn't my type ...

...sounds familiar?

OKAY, OKAY

But remember, subjectively, it made PERFECT SENSE.

I wasn't worried about going to Nebraska, and having someone jack me up and keep my little stipend runnin'. It could have happened but I was willing to take that risk.

Because the risk of dealing with those I should be able to depend on ... man!

My sisters posted all day long on Face Book, never once saying anything about what was going on ... have I mentioned this? Not speaking to me while they were together, even though they were pretty much where I was going (or should I say 'am' ... I don't know anymore). So there you go with them. For two weeks, I made comments, sent mail ... and you know what I got? The same thing that Rocky thought he was going to get when before he fought Apollo Creed.

Look, I am SOOO full of getting screwed by those who should have my back. Not just because I would do whatever I have to for them, but that they should feel SOMETHING for a cat, I mean JEEZ!!

Going to Nebraska (THE PLACE!!) would have meant a fresh start for me. It would have meant a new environment, one that is not quite as unforgiving as Detroit can sometimes be. A fresh start and a clean slate. I think that I can do it ... make something of myself, somehow.

If, IF, I am on my own.

There have been times when I have been boring holes to pull someone through, that I have gotten stepped on, or hit by debris. And others, well I don't know because they walked their walk. All I can do is that hope that they took advantage of what I think I did to help them, and for them to go on and make the most of their opportunity.

I have always thought that some how, some day, I would find mine. It wouldn't be given to me, that I knew. Not only has nothing came my way easily, what little that did, I spent it foolishly. Again, yet another case of 'getting what you pay for'.

BUT SEE, NOW THAT I FLAT OUT HAVE ISSUES

Trying to actually muster up the 'screw the world' attitude necessary to tell the ones who are closest to me, where they can get off isn't something that is easy for me. But it is there, because I am having to sit, like a sensitive talk show host and listen and be empathetic ...

...as my boy Dres from Black Sheep used to say, "keep your problems to yourself kid, I got my own." People ask when are they going to get this, and when they are going to have that ... not only are they not related, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GOING TO DO TO GET IT!?!

With AKA, I didn't PMS about her getting the chance to go to Michigan ... I went to Renaissance High... so I had the POTENTIAL to do something with myself. I didn't, so there you freakin' go.

Could have done my time in the service ... but I didn't and my sister is. Hurrah! But am I going to bitch about it? Nope, cause if that was what I really wanted so bad, I had it in the palm of my hand ... so there you go!

My marriage, my boxing, school, whatever you want to pull out and whine about Mark, you had your shot and what did you do with it?? It all adds up to where you are, SO THERE YOU GO!!

Just like you can't ask someone to do something and then try to tell them how they should get it done, you can't cry about things, and not expect anyone else to be dealing with their stuff. You can say that almost all of us are fighting our battles ... all of us. So very few of us are fighting things like Christina, or any of the other folks you see in the charity lines. Drugs, infirmity, disease. I mean, if you were, and wanted to feel sorry for yourself, I not only understand, but I will let you.

"Yeah I was a salesman," swirls imaginary drink as he pauses. "Tough racket."

That is from that scene in Glenngarry Glenross that Alec Baldwin tears a new one out of the sales crew. That can be said about life ... so the big thing is, are you going to go out and take it? Take your life??

THAT'S is why I wanted to go to Nebraska. I mean, the agencies are there, the housing is there, friend or no friend, filling out the paperwork and giving the answers to the right people is something I HAD BETTER be able to do on my own.

I may have mentioned him before ... a top ten fighter who has his degree and got a couple of shots at the big time. When we would see each other in Carolina, I would talk with him about life and goals through boxing. To see him now, doing what I had conceived for myself ...

...bothers me.

Since I have found myself extended on narrow branches, risking falling from a height with no one to catch me, I simply figured that the crap I did, was coming around. While there may not be a statue of limitations on fate catching up with you, for me, I think that I am due for a change.

One of my own design. And yes Penelope, I am upset with myself.

NOTE TO SELF

NOT THAT IT IS THE LEAST OF MY CURRENT CROP OF ISSUES

But I don't want to let this slide by me. It may come up again, so if it does, it will be purposeful.

The episode that I endured recently at home, took so much out of me ... not only because it is yet another financial set back, but because it pushed the limits of my self control. My 'tired' isn't like the 'tired' everyone throws around in conversation. When I get 'tired' of something, it means that 'right now I don't want to put up with something'. Had I known how to get where my step Mother lived that day ...

As it is, my nephew STILL hasn't come all the way clean. What can you do in the face of something like that? At any rate, I have to make sure that I have enough for the rest of the world.

When it comes to him 'getting his', I know that is something that isn't left up to me. But if it isn't supposed to be part of my purpose, then why does 'payback' taste so good?

Hmm ... maybe that is it. Most of the things that taste good, aren't necessarily good for us. Or it takes even more work to overcome. Okay. I promise to just TALK to him. It will be a straight away converstation. His thinking that he has 'gotten over' is not what he should take away from this experience.

DARKHORSES

BUT FIRST, A WORD ABOUT YESTERDAY ...

So very glad it is over. And bear with me, because it isn't that I don't care for your choice or the why of your choice, but this for me, has been personally divisive.

For many reasons. Many of them my own. So I am going to deal with them.

Whatever yesterday meant to you, it meant to you. I am going to leave it at that. What it means to me, IT WILL MEAN TO ME. It is a 'boots on the ground' kind of discussion, and even after a glass or two of merlot, there are no guarantees that I will want to even be a part of a discussion.

AKA called from her thingy in Florida. The early return from Kentucky had came in, and I couldn't bear it. McCain carried the state and held a very early lead. I decided to make like Christmas, and hope that when I woke, Santa had brought me what I asked.

Not very into the 'Law and Order' episodes that were on, and when she called, she was more a distraction. Since I had wanted her to have a nice time in Florida, I didn't want to talk to her, given that everyone else seemed to have a giddy mood. I was in a different place. When I get that way, I tend to get small, get out of everyone's way. Have your day. I am going to have the day MY WAY and to myself.

We'd hang up, but she'd call a few hours later with an electoral college update. I again restated my preference, that I wanted to make like 'Christmas Morning', because I was too nervous, and I was.

Then, when McCain conceded, she called again. So I told her.

I told her that I was aware of the mood and all, but I am in a different place. No matter the outcome, when I wake up tomorrow, I will face what I will face. What changes beyond what I can see, is just that. Earlier, I humored you, but I also told you of my intention. And I don't think I have ever spoke to you in a way that would make you think that I was 'just talking'.

The first time you called, I was glad because I hadn't heard from you in awhile, and I have indeed missed you, but I did give you my reason for doing what I was doing. So let me share some, but not nearly all of what I am feeling.

My Mother, my Best Aunt, my Brother are no longer here, and it could be said that it was well before their time. My sisters, even crappy Jan are also away from me. I feel alone, not being able to share this moment with them.

So I will be alone.

I did not want to share this with anyone, because my feelings are my feelings and I want to feel them. I will let you feel yours, and was willing to, but you kept calling me.

Hearing from you tonight means one thing, even in the immensity of the moment -- you haven't apologized.

You haven't apologized for hurting my feelings, and that was something that I told you at the start, wasn't something I took lightly. I told you earlier that I wanted you to relax, and enjoy your trip, enjoy this moment. For whatever reason, you didn't heed my request. Twice.

So now, this 'moment' you have hoped to have shared, isn't. You will take this crap memory with your memory of a historical event, with you for the rest of your life. I will remember this night as a night where someone refused to let me have the respite from the spinnings of the world that I so dearly wanted.

Why??----

I don't know what is going to happen when she comes back home, near Thanksgiving. I do have the idea that she is really, really, going to have her feelings hurt. She still wants to be coy, play the cat and mouse games with life and love. If it works for her, then fine. I am not trying to be a participant. If she was a man, doing this 'forgetful me' thing, I don't think "her woman" would look kindly on her ways.

So, should I let her off the hook?

And she STILL hasn't apologized.

This is a nice, nice seque into SD's race and how she is running.

Pardon the Interuption

THE NUMBERS

Are part of a line of thought. This is an interruption, and will be self explanatory as to why there has been an, 'interruption'.

WHY FLORENCE, I AM HUMAN LIKE YOU, TOO!

I have feelings and emotions just like everyone else that walks this earth. There are things that 'get' me, and today AKA happened to 'get' to me.

*Sigh* There are things that just are. I don't know how I came to be the person I am, but I do know 'why'. On a much, much higher level, a decision was made, and here I am.

I am pretty deferential, as I hoped was understood by the entry I made earlier this week, when I spoke of how I took my leadership model from Sun Tzu. The endgame justifies the means. There is a memory of Michael Jordan passing the ball to Steve Kerr for a game winning shot. That is leadership, trusting in those around you and their ability to 'win the game'.

That is how I can let so much roll off me, not because I am meek and fearful, but unless it damages the central focus, interferes with the main purpose, then I can deal. Simple as that. I don't mind letting people have the freedom to express themselves regarding me, and I even play along. We are all friends, and it is all good, right?

We all know that we have each others best interests at heart, so what isn't to forgive one another?

But there are some places that you shouldn't go, just out of common decency. If there are things that you wouldn't do to, with, or say to a stranger, you had BETTER NOT do them with me. If you do treat strangers off-handed, and you claim to 'know' me, then you WELL KNOW not to treat me like some random cat you got from a shelter. Got me?

So we were talking on the phone noonish, and sometimes 'a thought balloon' burst, and something that hasn't been finished comes out. When it did, and because it wasn't clear, she couldn't make it out. So she asked me to repeat what I said, and I told her that I was talking to myself. Whatever her response, it was the wrong one. It was full of hubris and self-indulgence. I HATE that.

Like cursing, HATE is a dirty word in my mouth. So, you know what you are talking about, eh? Well, let's find out how much you know!

So she is telling me "I have told you not to do that with me, don't say something and don't finish when you are talking with me, blah, blah, blah ..." I waited, patiently, then I asked her a question.

"You know me so well, do you know why that happens?"

She said she didn't, and I told her why. I have suffered brain trauma from boxing. There are times where a 'thought' that most people keeps to themselves will slip out, unfinished. When I say that I was talking to myself, it is an honest statement. The thought wasn't meant to be 'audible'.

And after that, it was on.

Can't remember all that I said. I do recall telling her that I am sure that she has made exceptions and overlooked small things about me in our relationship. But this, this is a prime example of 'you ain't no daisy' in action. She is so caught up in something that is small, and making it out to be something so big. When people do that, I want to find out how 'big' it is to them.

I don't care for folks who 'claim' to be 'straight shooters' and they feel that they tell people about themselves, and say the things that they need to hear but don't want to hear. That is, m'lady fair, the red cape to the bull. At some point and time, I will shake the Ferdinand in me and charge. And let the chips fall where they may, FOR FREAKIN' REAL. I know want to find out how much of the 'they don't want to hear', YOU can stand to hear!

How angry was I? I cursed. I was ready to rumble and I went there, and STOOD. Said if this is it, well don't you know, tomorrow is going to come, and I plan to be on that train. If you take whatever you feel now with you, then that is you.

Yep AKA, you can go get over yourself, and when you do that, call and see what happens. Won't promise you will be recieved warmly, and as to you 'not calling', I thought it was understood that when I said I was taking the train to tomorrow, I only bought one ticket.

As I have done throughout my life, when I have either left or been asked to leave, that is that with that. The thing about the 'Ex List', is that I haven't EVER dated someone who I have reached an impasse with. So it is new for me. Not even in HIGH SCHOOL.

Mookie was the first. Took me 35 years to do something like that. Maybe I will come back to this, if I find it germane to anything. I am more focused on going forward, and doing what I believe is going to get me to where I want to be.

Sorry for the length, but I was upset. No football this weekend, cause I am off my que. Not only the AKA thing, but I have to get ready for Monday night. Need to focus on how I want THAT to come out.