Tuesday, September 7, 2010


I have kept thinking that this was the song that came on the car radio when Nebraska and me were toolin' around Chicago... and I thought that it was one of those rare times that the 'right' song played spontaneously when you were with the person that you wanted to be with when you heard it on the radio. She did not 'get it', and the only impression it left on her was how excited I became when it came on. There are times where I get weary at the gap between 'the things I need and the things I receive' (yes, it is a Moz lyric!!) from certain people I know. About ten years ago, the option between holding out for a chance to 'find love' (honestly, what does that mean? I don't know if I ever made a conscious effort of searching for it, so I don't get what the big hubbub is about) and simply going about my own way, 'Nigeling about', single and alone but, not with a want for company or companionship.

Anywho, there is another song that came on the radio when I was riding in a car with a woman... this being my ex-wife and the song was 'Goodbye Love' by Guy. Sometimes, I wonder if I should offer up some of my old cassettes as evidence as to my one time appreciation for what I call urban-pop music. The story of that memory is that is we were riding home with the girls and it played on a Sunday evening.

What made the event the memorable moment that it was had to do with who the song was dedicated to... US. You all know my name and it is fairly common. My ex has a common kind of name that she shares with the woman I call 'Jenny' when my walk down memory lane has allowed me to recollect her image. Because we had been together the entire day, it was an coincidence of incredible proportions that song came on 'for us'. Yes, we did have a 'to do' that further enhanced the evening. Also it was a launch point for our final seperation and my going off to North Carolina.


Somehow the blog thing has gotten to be such a drag. Partly because of I am in a mire of so many conflicting feelings that seem to me to be 'extrarneous' to my life and that I have had problems with institutions of bureaucracy, in Virgina and now here. Appearently my 'friend' at the Friend of the Court office did not forward the change in support order to the SSA, which means I am still drawing the same amount I have been since the beginning, which ain't cool.

I brought up at the hearing that the amount of support hasn't changed from when I was working... and that was nearly seven years ago. Even with what has been paid through SSA, I have build up quite an arragage... which is neither here nor there. Additionally, I thought that after the hearing the responsible agencies would inform one another of the changes ... but that did not happen. Hopefully I have gotten that part going and may even be due a rebate of some overages.

When I first thought about keeping the light on for a potential relationship, it was done with reluctance because I had begun to wonder if I could manage a relationship. Perhaps I am not meant for a relationship. After all, there are PLENTY of single people in the world and some of them are delightfully fine with being that way.

I do think I can be fine being single. I do enjoy being alone.

Going through what I have had to experience on what has become a daily part of my life is not something I would want to burden anyone else with. Some of what entered into the relationship with my SFC and has begun to leak into whatever it is Nebraska and I have going and that is not a good sign. There is only so much 'fate' in a person's victimization, and the fact that I am telling myself this makes me think that there is something else at play here. See, for certain, the first 35 or so years of my life was not spent in melancholy looks back over what could have been. I don't like where I have put myself and that is a fact.


The movie 'Let The Right One In' is a Norwegian film with its take on vampires. The American take on it is called 'Let Me In', and I hope that Americanization of the film can keep the unique traits that made the Norwegian movie such a good film. It wasn't without its gaps and plot holes. But I did like it a lot and it was cool to see a vampire without sparkly skin, struggle with its lingering humanity.

Watched the Roberto Begini movie, 'The Tiger and the Snow'. It was okay. A rom-com set to the backdrop of an American invasion in the Middle East. Roberto's love interest is wounded and is put up in an Iraqi hospital. The doctor tells him that he should pray to Allah. Faced with a situation in which his love was in 'Allah's hands', he sends up the only prayer he knows, the Lord's Prayer', to Allah. The set pieces in the movie were stereotypical and biased. Europe is super cosmopolitan my ass...

My memories of Europe is not one that is fuzzy and cute. People like to talk about how beautiful it is... but to me, it is a beauty that is accessible only to a few. As far as being inviting and accepting, the American hassling of Muslims did not occur until the 9/11 attacks. Here in the Metro, places like Dearborn and Hamtramck were filling up with all kinds of people with Arabic roots, since before the 80's. Not to mention other ethnic groups like the Hmong and Armenians that seem to flock here. In short, as unappetizing as some of the conversation is regarding the Immigration issue, I think we still handle it far and away better than people do in other countries.

Caught a young Mike Tyson fight on ESPN Classic earlier this afternoon. It was Tyson day on the family of networks, as they had a '30 on 30' film about Mike, Tupac and what they symbolized... and the post fight interview of Jim Jacobs who was part of the original group who handled Mike as a pro. The Tyson in the replay is the same cat that I saw in a couple of tournaments, arrogant and rude. I have such an 'hot and cold' opinion of him because of the person that I have known and seen off the stage that conflict with the idolatry he was getting early in his career. I mean he can still be an butthead and be an icon, right?


Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

Hang in there, there is the right one out there for you. It is not about your disability, but your ability. They are missing out on YOU!

Jonthy, Alice the uppity white cat's babysitter said...

Mark, I know what you mean about maintaing a blog. Sometimes I have problems with getting motivated to write my blog. However, after I do, I am glad. Why? Because even though I don't gets dozens of comments, the ones I do get help me put my life in perspective. Maybe a short break from writing would do you good. Writing about your inner most thoughts and feelings can become burdensome. The larger picture is that something spurs you to write. Sometimes it's best not to obsess about what that something is.
BTW, you have very eclectic taste in music. That is wonderful.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Yes, you can still be a butthead and an icon.

I hope your week is looking up.

CareyCarey said...

Okay big Mark, I was ready for you this time. I had a pencil in hand and was taking notes :-)

first, I have to agree with the White Cats Babysitter, you have a "big word" taste in music.

For sure I caught this line "But fairy tales don't always come true". Yep, I hate being trite, but there is truely a thin line between love and hate.

Re: blog thing

Well, it's all about purpose, time and direction. That's all I'm going to say about that.

Re: alone

If you enjoy being alone (I do!) you're ahead of the game. Many people can not do "alone". But in all honesty, I was forced to find peace while being alone. That's a long story, however once I got comfortable with it, I realized I had reach a point in my life that many only wish for. One of my "distant" mentors was Anwar Sadat. He was imprisoned, upon his release he talked about his method of getting through tough times alone.

re: Mike Tyson

I love Mike. I know he's made some bone head moves but I understand the dynamic that created the man. He was a rich, young, and powerful black man that was not raised in the best invironments. I can rightfully assume his character was shaped by his need to project a tough image and the flaws associate with a kid that did not have the best role models at an early age. Mike has let us into his life with the courage I've seldom seen in the average man.

I can't point an evil finger at Mike Tyson, I'd rather seek first to understand.

laurenne said...

I love big men who cry.
And I love Mike Tyson day.

There's something really special about big men who cry on Mike Tyson day.