MY DEAREST FRIENDS
I tried to individually respond to those of you who wished me a 'Happy Birthday' this week. Don't know if I ever spoke on the particulars of why I don't celebrate MY birthday, so I will hope to keep this neat and clean.
Let's say it began in 3rd grade, when it occurred to me that the kids who were in my house, eating ice cream and cake, making a mess that I will end up cleaning shortly, were also the same kids who had sized me up in school and made getting home without incident such a dodgy proposition.
As far as cousins and family in general, I was sorta the middle kid... the older cousins who were going through their 'brutality' phase of their prepubie development and the younger kids simply being annoying snots that I could do without. So I told my Mom that parties were 'cool', and when I said that they were 'cool' I meant 'cool, but'... after all, getting ready for school and all was more than enough. Besides, NONE OF THESE KIDS LIKED ME. I truly believed that, cousins included. It always seemed to me that 'they'd' have events and sleep overs and I was always 'ass end Mark' (a name one of my older cousin's gave me, because I always seemed to come in on the 'ass end' of things). Ok, fine. No one has to tell me twice that I am not wanted around and if they had to tell me three times, then I would deserve what I got.
That is why I did not want any happy birthday wishes on my Facebook page, because the 'usual suspects' again failed in wishing me a good one. Having all my friends out here wishing me a happy birthday when those who should have but didn't, was what I was hoping to avoid. It was less a problem before the internet age, but this year I realized that with all the social connection stuff, that I could be ignored by some people EVEN WITH ELECTRONIC REMINDERS.
While I imagine that at some point with Nebraska, we will have a face to face about why I did not want to go walk my sister down the aisle, but will show up and escort her, the short explaination for the blog is, I don't want it to be said about me that I would do someone so sh*tty, at least intentionally. I don't expect anyone to really understand my POV, and I am tired of having it echo in my head, so I don't feel like pleading my case.
Nebraska has a plan to be a big brother and go back home. In the end, I did not want to add to any of the other 'wish I could have done differently' on my list, and I think that I would have been doing just that by not showing up in Chicago.
Another one of the reasons that I changed my mind was in no small part because of a blog post (actually, it was 2 of them) I happened to read on my birthday. First, it began on Hipstercrite's blog as she was raving about a few of the blogs she reads. One of them, Humans Are Funny had a story that went straight to how I did NOT want any of my daughters to feel.
Before I go there, what I want for people reading this to understand is, despite all the gloom and blackness that may be read in the last few months or divined from this post, I am not going anywhere. Won't stretch anyone's credulity by saying I am doing fine, but I will get through this... remember, 'Live Through This' is a cool album and one that I like a lot! In fact, reading about Laurenne's Dad after speaking with KT (Lexxie sent an email) made sure that no matter how deep I may sink, that I will hold on.
All three of us were laughing and 'jonesin' one another, with yours truly being on the end of the punchline more often than not. I didn't mind because everyone was happy. The brew of emotions that were already bubbling in my mind before we spoke were as ebon as ever. But it was reading the two post on 'Humans...' that made me, well whatever it made me is for me to know.
THE WORST PERSON EVER
When I think about stopping this journal, I ask myself if I am going to delete it as well. I do have a sense that there may be a few good stories, essays in here for me to go through and 'write pretty'. Certainly there is inspiration for a book as well, not to mention some kind of screenplay. I do know I would like to see.
There are a few other things I would like to see. Would so not mind driving through South Bend and taking pictures with Ken & Beth. I really want to do that, so that is another hand hold for me. Who knows what is going to happen in Omaha (in a good way, that is)... I could run into Warren Buffet and we can become good friends! It could happen, so you had better watch!!
Getting back to closing this thing down... there are some things that I won't ever tell anyone about and I think I have mentioned that I would resent anyone for guessing. There are things that I haven't told anyone and the only people that know what they are, are the people who were there and whoever they may have told. I don't know if I am going to keep reading blogs or not... we will see. I do like a great many of you and that is about as sincere as anything anyone ever said about their limited online relationships with someone that they may never, ever actually see in life.
Like I have never now nor ever will tell anyone about 'the worst person' in the world. Once, I was asked about what I would do if I ever saw this person again... and I could not find an answer to that question, because all I ever could do is hope to never see this person again. For well over 2 decades, fate was kind enough to keep our paths from crossing until this week, that is.
As I have indicated, I am not going to detail any of the particulars... but our running into each other wasn't like movies or any of the fantasy films that played in my mind of chance bring us together again. Damn!! But, I do know where he lives now. And I WILL have a real second chance at having my shot at him.
What would happen from THAT... I don't know. Since I am not sharing, there won't ever be an update to that and it will be a game changer for me in spirit. Like my man Ben Hoffman at the end one of his rants on InfoMania (one of his funnier rants on the Leno v. O'Brien story), rest assured, 'I will feel better, now', that I get THIS do over.