Friday, September 10, 2010

WHAT HAVE I BECOME...

MY DEAREST FRIENDS

I tried to individually respond to those of you who wished me a 'Happy Birthday' this week. Don't know if I ever spoke on the particulars of why I don't celebrate MY birthday, so I will hope to keep this neat and clean.

Let's say it began in 3rd grade, when it occurred to me that the kids who were in my house, eating ice cream and cake, making a mess that I will end up cleaning shortly, were also the same kids who had sized me up in school and made getting home without incident such a dodgy proposition.

As far as cousins and family in general, I was sorta the middle kid... the older cousins who were going through their 'brutality' phase of their prepubie development and the younger kids simply being annoying snots that I could do without. So I told my Mom that parties were 'cool', and when I said that they were 'cool' I meant 'cool, but'... after all, getting ready for school and all was more than enough. Besides, NONE OF THESE KIDS LIKED ME. I truly believed that, cousins included. It always seemed to me that 'they'd' have events and sleep overs and I was always 'ass end Mark' (a name one of my older cousin's gave me, because I always seemed to come in on the 'ass end' of things). Ok, fine. No one has to tell me twice that I am not wanted around and if they had to tell me three times, then I would deserve what I got.

That is why I did not want any happy birthday wishes on my Facebook page, because the 'usual suspects' again failed in wishing me a good one. Having all my friends out here wishing me a happy birthday when those who should have but didn't, was what I was hoping to avoid. It was less a problem before the internet age, but this year I realized that with all the social connection stuff, that I could be ignored by some people EVEN WITH ELECTRONIC REMINDERS.

While I imagine that at some point with Nebraska, we will have a face to face about why I did not want to go walk my sister down the aisle, but will show up and escort her, the short explaination for the blog is, I don't want it to be said about me that I would do someone so sh*tty, at least intentionally. I don't expect anyone to really understand my POV, and I am tired of having it echo in my head, so I don't feel like pleading my case.

Nebraska has a plan to be a big brother and go back home. In the end, I did not want to add to any of the other 'wish I could have done differently' on my list, and I think that I would have been doing just that by not showing up in Chicago.

Another one of the reasons that I changed my mind was in no small part because of a blog post (actually, it was 2 of them) I happened to read on my birthday. First, it began on Hipstercrite's blog as she was raving about a few of the blogs she reads. One of them, Humans Are Funny had a story that went straight to how I did NOT want any of my daughters to feel.

Before I go there, what I want for people reading this to understand is, despite all the gloom and blackness that may be read in the last few months or divined from this post, I am not going anywhere. Won't stretch anyone's credulity by saying I am doing fine, but I will get through this... remember, 'Live Through This' is a cool album and one that I like a lot! In fact, reading about Laurenne's Dad after speaking with KT (Lexxie sent an email) made sure that no matter how deep I may sink, that I will hold on.

All three of us were laughing and 'jonesin' one another, with yours truly being on the end of the punchline more often than not. I didn't mind because everyone was happy. The brew of emotions that were already bubbling in my mind before we spoke were as ebon as ever. But it was reading the two post on 'Humans...' that made me, well whatever it made me is for me to know.

THE WORST PERSON EVER

When I think about stopping this journal, I ask myself if I am going to delete it as well. I do have a sense that there may be a few good stories, essays in here for me to go through and 'write pretty'. Certainly there is inspiration for a book as well, not to mention some kind of screenplay. I do know I would like to see.

There are a few other things I would like to see. Would so not mind driving through South Bend and taking pictures with Ken & Beth. I really want to do that, so that is another hand hold for me. Who knows what is going to happen in Omaha (in a good way, that is)... I could run into Warren Buffet and we can become good friends! It could happen, so you had better watch!!

Getting back to closing this thing down... there are some things that I won't ever tell anyone about and I think I have mentioned that I would resent anyone for guessing. There are things that I haven't told anyone and the only people that know what they are, are the people who were there and whoever they may have told. I don't know if I am going to keep reading blogs or not... we will see. I do like a great many of you and that is about as sincere as anything anyone ever said about their limited online relationships with someone that they may never, ever actually see in life.

Like I have never now nor ever will tell anyone about 'the worst person' in the world. Once, I was asked about what I would do if I ever saw this person again... and I could not find an answer to that question, because all I ever could do is hope to never see this person again. For well over 2 decades, fate was kind enough to keep our paths from crossing until this week, that is.

As I have indicated, I am not going to detail any of the particulars... but our running into each other wasn't like movies or any of the fantasy films that played in my mind of chance bring us together again. Damn!! But, I do know where he lives now. And I WILL have a real second chance at having my shot at him.

What would happen from THAT... I don't know. Since I am not sharing, there won't ever be an update to that and it will be a game changer for me in spirit. Like my man Ben Hoffman at the end one of his rants on InfoMania (one of his funnier rants on the Leno v. O'Brien story), rest assured, 'I will feel better, now', that I get THIS do over.

10 comments:

Elisabeth said...

My youngest brother also refuses to celebrate his birthday. I find this sad, as I find your post here sad.

But be reassured, you and my brother are not alone. I think no matter how much we try to celebrate our birthdays they are invariably bittersweet. They disappoint us. No one can ever get them right.

They signify that first terrible wrench when we are torn from the bliss of life in the womb and they mark the passage of time on our way to death. Every year they seem to become more troubling.

That said, I'd still like to wish you a happy birthday.

That corgi :) said...

if you decide to close down your journal, Mark, (which I hope you don't) but if you decide to, don't delete it. Make it private so you can keep your writings and refer back to them when/if you want to. Take it from me the "queen of deletes", I wished I hadn't deleted those I couldn't bring back (Blogger allows you to bring back a deleted blog within 90 days).

I'm not on Facebook so I didn't realize it was your birthday week. I would prefer people don't celebrate mine since I don't want to celebrate it myself but if always seems to happen that some type of celebration occurs.

I hope this new year is a good one for you and one that finds you are peace at the end of it

betty

mrs. miss alaineus said...

i'd miss the dialogs we have and the shared life in the d understanding

if i was you i wouldnt of done the wedding. doing things in name only or for appearances seems pointless.

take care of yourself. we went to astoria monday and i thought of you.

xxalainaxx

Jonthy, Alice the uppity white cat's babysitter said...

Mark, I couldn't have said it better than Elisabeth. I don't like to celebrate my birthday because it falls on the same day as George Bush's.

Annie said...

Happy Belated birthday, Mark.

Whether you continue to blog or not - or ever feel comfortable living a life without secrets or not - I wish you peace, and happiness each day.

Being tormented is hard, whether it is by others or by yourself. We all struggle to learn how to overcome this.

Thinking begins it, actions complete it.

May you get where you want to go, and have much resolved...

Cathy said...

Our connection to people is amazing isn't it. Beyond comprehension at times. Mentioning your birthday is a good idea, it's a favor to people who like you :-)

Beth said...

You are welcome here any time, my friend. Got a room and a bed for you, and I promise there would be plenty of conversation! :) L&R!

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

I am glad you are going to Chicago, I know it was not an easy decision, but it is one of those things that can at worst result in "wish I did'nt" but will never result in "what if I had".

As Beth said, you are always welcome here. If you need a ride to this point, let us know, I would be willing to do that as well, if the timing worked out. Depending on timing, it could even be more.

laurenne said...

Aw Big Mark!
I am so very happy to have influenced you. Thank you thank you thank you for finding meaning in my words.

Perhaps I wrote that about my dad specifically for you.
I actually thank my father every day because, regardless of what he did with his life, he really really affected mine. In a good way. Because I learned that we humans have the power of perspective.

Someone can experience a car accident and hate himself for it. And another person can view it as an opportunity to ride his bike more often.

So maybe that's what you're going through now. I'll have to read this whole blog to understand more of the backstory (hoping you don't delete it!), but maybe your eyes have just been opened to another way to view the world and you're just about to go in another, brighter direction. It seems so.

Hopefully, you can see that all those jerks from childhood made you the kind, sensitive guy that you are. This should be celebrated! So happy birthday. From a friend. An internet friend, but a friend nonetheless.

Toon said...

Thanks for all the blog comments, Mark! I hope instead of giving up the blog, you'll maybe consider reinventing it as something else entirely. That's what I did and it gave me the motivation to keep it going for a little while longer. Who knows what I'll do next --