Nothing really ... but here I am ...

... on my way to Wheeling...

... it just hit me, actually, it isn't the first time I had this moment in my recent life ... I mean a big part of AKA's attraction to me, has been her ability to feel comfortable with her own failures because I am working far beneath my ability as well ...

... what has always been the difference, is that I dare to struggle to reach for a higher level ... in fact, I have no other choice, as it is essential for my survival ...

... people like AKA, who have the option of wallowing around hopelessly, because there is a safety net, in her family, that I have never, nor will ever have, just annoys me ... I mean, that is even MORE of a motivation to dare to fly as high as possible ... but sitting here in her cluttered and confused house, I wonder if I am not slowly being pulled into her gravitational field ...

... ah, who am I kidding..? I wrote that just to take my writing chops out for a walk ... AKA isn't the way for me to go ... what has been gnawing at me, is the lack of effort in my OWN life to save myself ... I keep looking back at my last job, and I just kick myself, for not efforting, and making my way out of trouble and establishing what I am dreaming of, and what will be ultimately an uncomfortable fit ...

... I hope that I can get some sleep on the bus ... the environment here, is not comfortable enough for me ... I mean, not only is the place cluttered like nobodies business, but I don't think the heat is on, and she is warming spaces by heaters ... so that is what fired up my mind, thinking back at how she just accepeted my deteriorating conditions at my Mom's house ...

... anyway, I expect to do well in Wheeling ... I feel a win coming on!!

... don't talk to me about work ...

... okay, now if things go as hoped, I can still fight and work the warehouse job ... if I can't do both, I will do the warehouse, especially if there is a 401k and health and dental ... my last job really spoiled me, great benefits, weekends off, plus the odd assortment of business holidays ... time to get over that, and to stop looking back ...

... that is going to be a major change, a principle that I once held as I scortched thru life ... I didn't look back ... but that changed with Tee Jay ... and now, I find myself longing for my Mother ... which is quite a strange feeling ... not that me and Moms were at each others throat,  but we had sorta drifted away from each other ... now, I wish she was here to talk with and just BE ...

... so first things first ... working at the warehouse ... that it is about production, unloading those trucks, means that you essentially set your own pay ... and though my child support is crippling me, the stability in my current situation here with Mookie will allow for me to clear up my finacial health ... I am looking at anywhere from 2 to 3 years of really having at that ... now, does that mean I will commit to Lansing after I get to that point ..?  That depends on how far I have come academically ... and barring the great unknown opportunity back in Detroit coming up ... this Sedwick employment agency sounds promising, and I would like to investigate it more ... this also would mean I would prolly have to pick up stakes and leave ... which is going to be VERY painful ...

... funny how this running has been going for me ... it makes me wonder if I have not been applying myself ... hmmn... it isn't so much that I am 'looking back' as it is I am hearing echoes and seeing moments played back to me ...

... I can hear Sgt. Outlaw asking me, after seeing my run time, why I didn't push myself like that on the other aspects of the PT test ... and now, I know that my major, major problem, of all things, IS efforting ... like most people, I have confused pain and wear with having made a great effort ... yet accepting that, in finishing short of a goal, is nothing ... at least not that can be counted ... I think that is something that black people in general get confused about ... we seem to think that just in trying, because of what we have endured, is enough ... it isn't enough until you get there ... and I have not 'gotten there' ... or even come close in a long while ...

... right now, I am going to take things one step at a time ... work ... get transportation ... and plan for school ... anything else doesn't matter ... the transportation would allow for me to work/live in Detroit and that would be quite a change ... but lets start with those three things right there ...

... saving the money for the car, and getting my paperwork for school should be enough  for now ... oh, I will be getting back into shape ... I wanna lose about 30lbs... get back to my 'rider from beyond the pale' size ... what it would represent, is my efforting towards a conclusion ...

... and that leads me to another thing ... being more defined in my objectives ... that is another reason I have been so lost the past four years ... and I cannot afford another one going into the '05 ... funny how this is working out ... I don't believe in resolutions, but this is coming close to being one!!

 

... yet I feel like I have crashed ...

... a job ... working in a warehouse for a discount retailer ... expect it to be hard work, a little dirty ... I saw part of the operation, and it doesn't seem to be too bad ... in fact, I look forward to it, for how else can I expect to put into play any of my ideas ..? Things still take money, you know ...

... I thought that making an entry would help calm the torrent of thoughts, so that they flowed in a steady stream ... but it hasn't ... if anything, they have speeded up ... listening to the news, I wonder if my gambit is in danger ... still haven't gotten in touch with AKA ... and the great mixtape ... well, it seems as if every song reminds me of SD ... and that is another pot in the damn stew ...

... the job is going to keep me here throughout the year ... maybe even two ... haven't been called about the fight on the 30th, but I will still ask for those days off ... right around the holiday ... they are going to look at me weird, but hey, if it is my last fight, I want it!!

... the pressure has lessened, but still, the current is too strong ... maybe tommorrow, after my walk through of the facilities, will I be more able to think ... because I do have lots to straighten out ...

 

Got That Feelin'

Finally! I have made not only a mix tape, but a super mixtape ..! It has been quite a while since I just sat and listened to the tapes that I make for myself ... I usually just pop one in for my roadwork, but this one has been one that I have listened to, repeatedly, just flipping it over to each side ...

... originally, it was to be for AKA, and I will make her one, with some alterations, but after it came together, it sounded like SD, and I plan on sending it to her, with the flubs and all ...

... went for a run today, and on it, found out why I am where I am right now ... see, I had sat around most of the afternoon, and whenever I run like that, off my usual schedule, then my run time suffers ... still, I eventually got out, and planned on running a long run ...

... well, running up and down the blocks here is much more demanding than in Detroit ... the streets and sidewalks undulate, and there are grades that appear out of nowhere ...

... knowing that it was a long run, and that I wanted to push through to establish my time, I could feel the pull of the quit job coming on ... even though I kept on telling myself not to quit, and that it would be better if I just ran the run, no matter the time of it ...

... going up the incline, I thought of the Churchill quoute about '...now is the time to to fatigue ...' from WWII, when the Allies were laying siege to the Nazis ... and knowing that once I got over the little hill, that I would have a burst of adrenaline from forcing myself, to go on ... and still, I quit ... I stopped and quit on myself ... and that made me feel worse ...

... it wore on me, that I didn't know how far I was going, and I guess it intimidated me ... even though I kept telling myself that making the run was beneficial enough, and not to fret about the distance or the time ...

... but a lot of the angst was coming from me taking and macro'ing something that was a micro situation ... eventually, i cranked my legs up, and I was able to get some speed into my run ...

... it is late, and I am actually feeling tired ... so I am going to take that cue, and nod out ...

 

... as the blood courses through my veins ...

... one of the tips to journaling or 'blogging' from John Scalzi, I believe, kind of trips me out ...

"Short is sweet.  People who read journals and blogs often read a lot of them, so it helps to keep entries short and punchy to keep their interest.  This is not to say you can't write a long involved entry from time to tiime -- I do, and so does everyone.  But as a general rule, shorter is usually better."

... as soon as I saw that, I was like 'WTF!!'  ... I mean, this is an on-line journal ... to put stuff out for the purpose of getting attention, to me, is assine ... also, if the excerise in egoism, letting someone into your world <even I will concede that is what this is ... dual purpose of being and ACTUAL diary, and letting strangers look into my world ... maybe help me make sense of it ...> needs to be 'punched up' and made more accessible and entertaining, then you my friend, lead a small, and insignificant life, and you need to get in line with me, and seek pychiatric care ... and now, on to the show ...

AKA and I spoke yesterday.  I had went to a preliminary job interview, and needed to get a criminal background check for this warehouse position ... I called her, and through my stupor <for the first time, I began to wonder if I am not on my way to being an insomiac ...> from not getting any sleep, and she encouraged me to read 'Will to Power' and try to think clearer ... for what it was worth, the conversation bucked my spirits ...

... Scott Peterson's fate has occupied a level of interest in my mind ... I am wondering how it is that he gets into his mind to kill his WIFE and unborn son, rather than simply leaving her ... I posted a query on 'The Brotherhood' message board on AOL, and the reply I got was very insightful ... I am sure others have placed their comments, but the girl sent hers to me ... I can't recall her screen name, but I think it was the second or third one ...

... the reason is, the desire for another life was in him, and he was suffocating in the one he was living ... he wanted an escape ... I don't know how their relationship was, but Laci looked radiant, and gives the glow of motherhood as she is sitting in her red outfit, alone at a party, while her hubby is somewhere else, with his mistress!

... my thing is, even though he was going to get hit with support of the child and spouse, he would have STILL had his life, and with that, the opportunity to go on and be happy, without infringing on Laci's opportunity to choose to do the same ... anyway, it keeps nagging at me, because I aim to disappear ... and there are people who are going to miss me, but as the Walkmen cd says ... 'All the People who Pretended to Like me Are gone ...'

... at least that is how I feel.  Even though I know objectively that I shouldn't, I do.  And I don't know how to fill the empty spaces in me so that I don't feel that way ... everyone has spaces between themselves, but mine seem to have been drifting further and further away ...

... it puts me back to my agnsty adolescence, when I told my Mom that she made me feel as though I was ostracized from the family ... her reply? 'You ostracize yourself,' ... and of course, was your Mother EVER wrong ..?

... hindsight shows where I could have been more of a 'team player' and join up and shared times ... after all, I am the one who stopped going to the Ice Capades and to the movies on dollar days ... and the Salivation Army camp ... my peeps kept on with them, but I zeroed myself out of their familial equation ...

... but even then, the idea was that I was going to go on, and achieve a life and a lifestyle of which they did not have the vision to see, a scope beyond their horizons ... and when I think of them as adults ... and the lives of such ceasless spinnings that they live ...

... oh, back to Scott Peterson ... I mean, I don't understand it, because I have done the opposite, meaning, that I will go from one life to another, and bear whatever weight from the previous one ... coping with the consequences of your decisions ... he couldn't do that, so something that is insane, began to come clearer to him ...

... and I guess that is why I am drawn to him ... I have some insanity that seeps out ... my Cross Damon gambit comes to mind ... and it is getting lost in the possibilities of our expectations that we forget to plan for the victory that may come of our intentions, should they come to pass ... that is what I am learning from him ... he didn't do that, and that is a critical and fundamental error ...

... I know, that the analyzing and learning of lessons from his case may seem a bit morbid to some, but that is a superficial insight ... this is an equation that runs our lives ... we don't plan for success, the most of us, which is why it escapes us ... what if Scott actually put into place a plan of action?  I mean, because people do it all the time ... in many ways, he is no different from Susan Smith, who said a black man stole her car, when she drove her sons to their deaths ... she wanted something outside of her thoughts to take over and she would just ride that current to its conclusion ...

... that thinking is stupid ... those who are successful, plan completely ... as Clauswitz said of planning ...  "After we have thougt out everything carefulluy in advance and have sought and found without prejudice the most plausible plan, we must not be ready to abandon it at the slightest provocation ..."

... that entails thinking, and that is something most people won't do, even if it means achieving their wildest dreams and goals ... it is too much like work, and most men want approval for their modest efforts and small achievements ...

... that can't be me ... not anymore ... not ever again ...

 

The way that I found you ...

NPR : TV on the Radio Wins Shortlist Music Prize

... that is a link to a story I heard on the radio ... about a group I really, really like ... following the link, you will see other artists that I either admire or own, some both ...

... what caught in my chest, is that to be considered for this 'prize', an artist must sell UNDER 500,000 units ... which essentially means that no one on the streets have heard of you!

That you must fall into one of the small cliques of fans or be in one of those hip, boehiman-like subgroups of cool or whatever, left me feeling further alienated.  I have never 'fit' where many of my passions lead me, and though I am not religious, it is nonetheless true what God demands from his followers ... either be cold or hot, lukewarm, and I will spit you out of my mouth ...

... for some reason, I have spent the past six months or so, watching my life flash by my minds eye, asking 'what could have been' ... people with greater issues than mine have found a way to overcome ... gone on to levels of living to which I aspire to ... which is part of why I think my gambit of regenisis can be pulled off ...

... thinking about this prize, and how much passion you must have to pursue your ambition, even though there is 'no one' listening ... kind of like fighters like John Ruiz, Bernard Hopkins, who despite early struggles, had the focus and the belief in themselves to not only persever, but to reach the heights and then DWELL there ... I have been asking myself 'what did I miss?', because I should have done more, and become more ... why didn't I?

... and the rhetoric isn't just in boxing or atheltics ... but life in general ... Monday, I am going downtown to talk to a consuelor about taking classes ... they should have me already in the system, I have just misplaced my password ... at any rate, get the ball rolling, so then, perhaps the gorrilla of the past NOT prologue will get off of my chest <or at least get on the Atkins plan!> and I can breathe ...

 

... those who are doomed to repeat ...

... for no good reason, I did not go to work at the Holiday Inn, and my unemployment has run out ... pure genious, right?

I only had to GO IN and I would be half done ... finished that day out, then I would have had the weekend ... but now, I am on the bricks, yet again ... man, I feel like one of those chronic layabouts, who go from dead end job to dead end job, justifying their behaviour because it is a dead end job ...

... I need to put my head down, and keep to the road, and not look up and try to make out what lies in the distance ... whatever I can discern can't be naught but an illusion ... so it is best to keep to the ground, for the story is there anyway!!

 

Mookie is getting down on things ... it is X-mas, and since she shook off the ex and moved to the next <me!> the strain of her finances has started to wear upon her ... and my doing the Leroy at the Holiday Inn can't wear on her any better...

 

... so school won't be going on in the winter ... fine ... I am just going to pick up something ... fast food joints, Labor Ready, here I come!  Then I plan on saving like a madman ... and getting over losing my last job ... and I must start training for real, and not just lip service ... this last fight hung over me longer than it should have ... and that is cause I am flat out fat!!

I keep talking crap to myself ... now it is time for me to put it in action ... and if I can get the job at Meijer's <or anywhere!> to have that pressure off my chest will be a boon! I just want to work and get some money for something ... just to be earning ... but that is what I said about the Holiday Inn ... and here I sit, still bailin' the same junk ...