... okay, now if things go as hoped, I can still fight and work the warehouse job ... if I can't do both, I will do the warehouse, especially if there is a 401k and health and dental ... my last job really spoiled me, great benefits, weekends off, plus the odd assortment of business holidays ... time to get over that, and to stop looking back ...
... that is going to be a major change, a principle that I once held as I scortched thru life ... I didn't look back ... but that changed with Tee Jay ... and now, I find myself longing for my Mother ... which is quite a strange feeling ... not that me and Moms were at each others throat, but we had sorta drifted away from each other ... now, I wish she was here to talk with and just BE ...
... so first things first ... working at the warehouse ... that it is about production, unloading those trucks, means that you essentially set your own pay ... and though my child support is crippling me, the stability in my current situation here with Mookie will allow for me to clear up my finacial health ... I am looking at anywhere from 2 to 3 years of really having at that ... now, does that mean I will commit to Lansing after I get to that point ..? That depends on how far I have come academically ... and barring the great unknown opportunity back in Detroit coming up ... this Sedwick employment agency sounds promising, and I would like to investigate it more ... this also would mean I would prolly have to pick up stakes and leave ... which is going to be VERY painful ...
... funny how this running has been going for me ... it makes me wonder if I have not been applying myself ... hmmn... it isn't so much that I am 'looking back' as it is I am hearing echoes and seeing moments played back to me ...
... I can hear Sgt. Outlaw asking me, after seeing my run time, why I didn't push myself like that on the other aspects of the PT test ... and now, I know that my major, major problem, of all things, IS efforting ... like most people, I have confused pain and wear with having made a great effort ... yet accepting that, in finishing short of a goal, is nothing ... at least not that can be counted ... I think that is something that black people in general get confused about ... we seem to think that just in trying, because of what we have endured, is enough ... it isn't enough until you get there ... and I have not 'gotten there' ... or even come close in a long while ...
... right now, I am going to take things one step at a time ... work ... get transportation ... and plan for school ... anything else doesn't matter ... the transportation would allow for me to work/live in Detroit and that would be quite a change ... but lets start with those three things right there ...
... saving the money for the car, and getting my paperwork for school should be enough for now ... oh, I will be getting back into shape ... I wanna lose about 30lbs... get back to my 'rider from beyond the pale' size ... what it would represent, is my efforting towards a conclusion ...
... and that leads me to another thing ... being more defined in my objectives ... that is another reason I have been so lost the past four years ... and I cannot afford another one going into the '05 ... funny how this is working out ... I don't believe in resolutions, but this is coming close to being one!!
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