Thursday, December 16, 2004

... as the blood courses through my veins ...

... one of the tips to journaling or 'blogging' from John Scalzi, I believe, kind of trips me out ...

"Short is sweet.  People who read journals and blogs often read a lot of them, so it helps to keep entries short and punchy to keep their interest.  This is not to say you can't write a long involved entry from time to tiime -- I do, and so does everyone.  But as a general rule, shorter is usually better."

... as soon as I saw that, I was like 'WTF!!'  ... I mean, this is an on-line journal ... to put stuff out for the purpose of getting attention, to me, is assine ... also, if the excerise in egoism, letting someone into your world <even I will concede that is what this is ... dual purpose of being and ACTUAL diary, and letting strangers look into my world ... maybe help me make sense of it ...> needs to be 'punched up' and made more accessible and entertaining, then you my friend, lead a small, and insignificant life, and you need to get in line with me, and seek pychiatric care ... and now, on to the show ...

AKA and I spoke yesterday.  I had went to a preliminary job interview, and needed to get a criminal background check for this warehouse position ... I called her, and through my stupor <for the first time, I began to wonder if I am not on my way to being an insomiac ...> from not getting any sleep, and she encouraged me to read 'Will to Power' and try to think clearer ... for what it was worth, the conversation bucked my spirits ...

... Scott Peterson's fate has occupied a level of interest in my mind ... I am wondering how it is that he gets into his mind to kill his WIFE and unborn son, rather than simply leaving her ... I posted a query on 'The Brotherhood' message board on AOL, and the reply I got was very insightful ... I am sure others have placed their comments, but the girl sent hers to me ... I can't recall her screen name, but I think it was the second or third one ...

... the reason is, the desire for another life was in him, and he was suffocating in the one he was living ... he wanted an escape ... I don't know how their relationship was, but Laci looked radiant, and gives the glow of motherhood as she is sitting in her red outfit, alone at a party, while her hubby is somewhere else, with his mistress!

... my thing is, even though he was going to get hit with support of the child and spouse, he would have STILL had his life, and with that, the opportunity to go on and be happy, without infringing on Laci's opportunity to choose to do the same ... anyway, it keeps nagging at me, because I aim to disappear ... and there are people who are going to miss me, but as the Walkmen cd says ... 'All the People who Pretended to Like me Are gone ...'

... at least that is how I feel.  Even though I know objectively that I shouldn't, I do.  And I don't know how to fill the empty spaces in me so that I don't feel that way ... everyone has spaces between themselves, but mine seem to have been drifting further and further away ...

... it puts me back to my agnsty adolescence, when I told my Mom that she made me feel as though I was ostracized from the family ... her reply? 'You ostracize yourself,' ... and of course, was your Mother EVER wrong ..?

... hindsight shows where I could have been more of a 'team player' and join up and shared times ... after all, I am the one who stopped going to the Ice Capades and to the movies on dollar days ... and the Salivation Army camp ... my peeps kept on with them, but I zeroed myself out of their familial equation ...

... but even then, the idea was that I was going to go on, and achieve a life and a lifestyle of which they did not have the vision to see, a scope beyond their horizons ... and when I think of them as adults ... and the lives of such ceasless spinnings that they live ...

... oh, back to Scott Peterson ... I mean, I don't understand it, because I have done the opposite, meaning, that I will go from one life to another, and bear whatever weight from the previous one ... coping with the consequences of your decisions ... he couldn't do that, so something that is insane, began to come clearer to him ...

... and I guess that is why I am drawn to him ... I have some insanity that seeps out ... my Cross Damon gambit comes to mind ... and it is getting lost in the possibilities of our expectations that we forget to plan for the victory that may come of our intentions, should they come to pass ... that is what I am learning from him ... he didn't do that, and that is a critical and fundamental error ...

... I know, that the analyzing and learning of lessons from his case may seem a bit morbid to some, but that is a superficial insight ... this is an equation that runs our lives ... we don't plan for success, the most of us, which is why it escapes us ... what if Scott actually put into place a plan of action?  I mean, because people do it all the time ... in many ways, he is no different from Susan Smith, who said a black man stole her car, when she drove her sons to their deaths ... she wanted something outside of her thoughts to take over and she would just ride that current to its conclusion ...

... that thinking is stupid ... those who are successful, plan completely ... as Clauswitz said of planning ...  "After we have thougt out everything carefulluy in advance and have sought and found without prejudice the most plausible plan, we must not be ready to abandon it at the slightest provocation ..."

... that entails thinking, and that is something most people won't do, even if it means achieving their wildest dreams and goals ... it is too much like work, and most men want approval for their modest efforts and small achievements ...

... that can't be me ... not anymore ... not ever again ...


 

1 comment:

lovmusic313 said...

how are you? your journal amazes me everytime i read it. keep doing what you do..b