Now I am being lazy.
Stopping by the Park Ave. Commons Community center to make these entries has be preferable to getting my gift fired up, so here I am..! What a lazy bastard..!
Now in one way, it makes an understandable sense for me to want for a break. I am going to go pick up London from the repair shop, then head on out to Rossi’s to pay down on my shirt. After I do that, it is off to the gym to train and my day will be done! The only difference is that I switched out my activity for going to class for the things that I will be strolling about and concerned with this afternoon.
Because I am so not afraid of hard work and grinding things out, many uninformed people have assumed that it is somewhat easy being me … from being a smart kid, to my early development as a hockey player/boxer, that for me, life was simply one unbroken walk through the lilies of the fields of life. While nothing could be further from the truth, you could not tell people like my ex-wife or my early bonding with Nebraska that I was not some wide-eyed naif exploring the world in an amazed stupor. La-di-da, whatever.
Much of my early enmity towards women in my journal was always, in my mind at least, as an appropriate reaction towards the prejudices that women have towards me or men in general. See, I don’t really care what happened to you, if your husband left you financially broken, forcing you to live in a financial condition that you had thought was well behind you, wounded your spirit, and leaving you open to public scorn and ridicule by running off with a local trollop… that isn’t my fault and I had nothing at all to do with it. What IS my concern and what I will be willing to accept is being a part of a journey that has an intense desire and burning to leave behind as much of that crap as possible, and to evolve past all of the circumstance of the past. A person willing to do that, now THAT is a person I am interested in. Some people who I have written about during my own evolution, have not quite done that. Maybe they are unaware that partial growth past “whatever” is worse than no growth at all.
...AND THE HYPOCRISY BEGINS....
“A major victory can only be achieved by positive measures aimed
at a decision, never by simply waiting on events. In short, even in
the defense, a major stake alone can bring a major gain.” - CVC
These “Rules …” of mine are not to be interpreted literally. They are meant for application at the appropriate moment and then followed. Some would seem to contradict each other but as in life, warfare is the province of the uncertain. The more certainty that one can find in their lives, the greater the increase of the probability of living a well-lived life.
Now I think that would make perfect sense. The salesmen that Blake hauranges at the beginning of “Glengarry Glen Ross”, are, as a group, lost. Failing away at the things they want but without the resoluteness to take the necessary steps to reach them. The complaints that Baldwin’s character levies at them, “You're talking about what… bitching about that sale you shot, some son of a bitch that doesn't want to buy, somebody that doesn't want what you're selling, some broad you're trying to screw and so forth. Let's talk about something important…” Well, yes, let’s talk about something important indeed.
I have never looked at my lack of either popularity or what people settle for as “friendship” as a hindrance because I was always happy. I was fortunate in so many way to have been allowed to be a “social nomad”, something that many men intuitively engage in, and it is the one of the reasons that women think that they “understand” men, and falsely believe that men are unable to fathom the complexities of a woman’s mind. And again… I beckon to talk about “something important.”
If you want to say I am beating a dead horse, then yes, I am beating a dead horse, because it is this type of vigor with which one must eliminate the traits and tendencies that lend themselves to unhappiness. So from whatever angle you likely would approach Nebraska’s response to my reaching out to her during a dreaded “Ny-Quil night”, would be met with the consequence of violation of a rule of mine or a slander at my character.
Since I have mentioned my stance on “booty calls” and made lengthy explanations to her (and as well as journaled) to where I stand on the subject, I wonder what is there left to imagine when it comes to the kind of character she thinks I am made of? And oh, let’s not go there, meaning let’s not bring in concerns about children. Because for that to be a defense, then there must also be an admission that the assumption made about my intentions should never had been presented as a “justifiable reason” for letting someone who had thought of you as a “friend who could be relied upon”, been mentioned as “reason” for not being there for me.
So, no …. my moving here was NEVER about being with her. And while unlike with Princess or Mookie Dee, the lack of depth (IMO) in Nebraska was never confirmed. Being “a million miles apart” did not leave me with the ability to make any inference as to how our chemistry would mix. That she fit several coincidental traits (being from Omaha, her knowing Mccathorn Clayton, driving what was at the time my “next new car”, et. al) that I could go on and on about, primarily because I think that it is still freakin’ incredible that I am in a place that made sense to me as a child in 2nd grade when it came to where I wanted to live when I grow up! Getting back to the rule… I fail to see how one could be concentrated on the “positive measures aimed at reaching a decision” when the stronger case can be made that the negative issues that plague relationships, particularly those that emanate primarily from men are still the primary source of judging me, especially on a night where I call upon you. But I would later observe an incident that would verify my assessment as someone who would be someone I disagreed with when it came to commitment to and obliged in a relationship. As the rule featured in this entry implies, to simply “wait” is not good enough a reason for any action. Certainly, I was not going to just wait for her to decide to invest in our possible relationship. “F*ck me..? Nah son, f*ck that!!”