Sunday, November 28, 2010


Now I get to experience the release from the confines fromf most the personal complications of my life. Not that they are all excised, after all that is an ideal that is realized by only a few human beings.  Certainly, I am confident that I can walk without much of the dead weight that I was dragging behind me.

I have spent most of this week mentally recharging from my trip to Chicago. Most likely I will post the kind of routine that I have been doing this week and will resume for the month of December later on my other blog. Though I have not been going down the street to the gym, I do stuff around the house there are enough body weight routines that will help you get and stay fit as a fiddle.

A kind reader was thoughtful enough to send a welcomed donation via USPS. But it was swallowed up by a ‘wormhole’ and I do not know what I did with it. It is unlikely that it disappeared as I went to the bank but I do not have any idea of where I misplaced the gift of charity. Also, there was a story circulating about former NFL quarterback Jim McMahon and his problems with short-term memory. While sad and quite possibly inevitable in my future, I like his outlook as he spoke of how he may forget his friends but when he see them again, they become one of his many ‘new’ friends!!

So, it was when the abyss opened, I was able to look away because I figured Jim feels with the life he lived, he was good with things.  He counted all the things he did whole and obviously is at peace with the consequences of his career choice. Long-time readers know that I am completely at peace with my life, good, the bad, and even the ugly that took place. If ‘this’ is it, then it is what it is (see how grave that phrase is?) and I am cool with that.

Each morning I wake up and look to southeast out of my living area windows to see the sun rising. The light comes through the branches of trees overlooking a wonderful park and I am like, for a pro--, er, housing development, this building has a fantastic view. I am confident that this place has its share drama. The neighborhood is pretty familiar with the recognizable sounds of the klaxon lights and siren of police cars. The store across the street doesn’t want folks with baggy hoodies and knit caps with face masks to come in, but I good with that. It doesn’t scare me none.  I still believe that life is what you make it, tough neighborhood to start or no, I still intend to make something of me and my life.


I do get a little nervy thinking that I could choke on a piece of food and won’t be noticed here until I smell. To that end, I make sure that I text Nebraska and the SFC at least once a day because if more than two days go by without either of them hearing from me, then something is up.

Also, I have begun to post on Face Book. Yes, boys and girls, I am enlisting the help of the internet community to at the very least be on alert for my well being. I don’t intend on making acquaintances in the building for any reason. I am noticeable enough as I carry my bike outside daily for people around here to wonder where I have gone if I disappear, and a conversation I overheard on the Community Center in NYC near Ground Zero confirmed my suspicions. I would have been on the wrong side of that conversation but the right side ethically. But trying to convince either of those gentlemen of their errant ways would have only served to make me stand out in a way that I did not care for. If what I suspect about my condition is correct, then the associations with my fellow tenants and utilizing my brain computers disk space is more than I can afford. As it is, ‘wormholes’ (which is a VERY apt description for what is going on with my ‘up there’ in my head) open without any direct prompting. So why should I even try to create room for people that have no reason to be a part of my life? There is just enough space available for those who are in my life.

And now I am brought to Nebraska and me. As I sought to built upon the whys and wherefores of previous relationships, I setting up for those who have invested themselves (both figuratively and financially) in my getting off to a good start here, the reasons for my not being as pressed to get back into one again. Having experience and having experiences is not necessarily an indication of wisdom, no more than having intelligence and knowledge are. As I walked up to Tee Jay in my review, I wanted to show that getting little of what I hope out of a partner (in my marriage), and getting most of what I wanted in a relationship (Delta Girl), did not prepare me for getting all that I could have wanted at the time in a partner (Tee Jay).

See, after I clearly lost Tee Jay, I began to think that maybe that I was not going make a good partnership with someone.  I was good with that but I think I made a mistake by sharing this thought with a one-time co-worker, and they pushed me into being open to the idea of finding a partner.  Though I did not want to get into a new life to possibly fail, I did think there was validity in checking back for love that I left on the table, primarily, with Tee Jay.  So I did my tour of former partners and was left unmoved from the position that I don't think it is going to happen and I have spent nearly all of my opportunities to be in a relationship.

Nebraska has created an account in good standing with me, both times revolving around Chicago and my sister. I don’t know what that means and as far as interpreting things, that is something that is like interpreting people and whether or not I should enter into a conversation that will lead to by extension, a friendship. The one of the ways for the possiblity of complications in my life to ask for it by trying to merge my life with someone elses.   

I know some folks may have thought that I came here to fall in love with her and go off into the meadows of love as happy as can be. Though I won’t say that I don’t HOPE for that to develop between us, it is not the end-all-be-all that it may have seemed to readers. She said ‘we’d be good friends’, and that is good enough for me.


That corgi :) said...

Good idea, Mark, to text Nebraska and SFC daily so if they don't hear from you, they can "send the calvary" to see what is up. I wasn't one of those readers that thought you would fall in love with Nebraska the person once you moved down there; I think you fell in love with Nebraska the state way before that. I was and am rooting for you to do well there regardless of where your and Nebraska, the person's, relationship may go :)


JStar said...

friends is a good place! The best place to start anything..

Toon said...

Hope can be a very comforting thing to have. It can also be energizing. Be well, Mark.

LceeL said...

The thing about that whole "Love" thing? The best kind of "Love" is Love shared with a friend. My wife, my Annie, is also my best friend.

I have seen relationships between people - people in 'Love' - that didn't have the underlying friendship to build on, and many of those relationships failed - and if they haven't failed, they haven't achieved the level of quality that those other, Friendship based Loves, have achieved.

Friends? You and Nebraska are starting from the right place.

Anonymous said...

You sounded a lot more upbeat in this post!

Earl Campbell is the big local star, and I see him around every so often. He can hardly walk, the result of nerve damage from his playing days, but he's said many times that it was worth it for the good times and good things his NFL career brought him.

Anonymous said...

I never assume anything about other people's romantic "love."
It is tricky, complex, & sometimes exhausting. ~Mary

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

Glad you are still enjoying the buzz from your Chicago trip.

Annie said...

You were smart not to get involved in letting them know the error of their ways at the Comunity Center near Ground Zero.

Ignorance does not usually want to be educated. If someone asks what you think, you can tell them. But volunteering info. in the hope of enlightening someone to look at a situation with different eyes usually just hits a brick wall of indignation and denial.

Hope you find the donation.

Smart to keep contact with Nebraska and SFC so that if anything happenned to you, they would care about your welfare and come around and check on you.

Am glad you are just enjoying Nebraska for what it is. If it becomes more at some point, great -- and if it stays nice as it is, great. That's being appreciative of what you have, and that brings contentment with it.

Jonthy, Alice the uppity white cat's babysitter said...

Mark, You sound happy in your own skin. When I lost my husband 12 years ago, I was only 43 years old. For about 10 years I kept wondering why I couldn't find a romantic connection. Then one day I realized that I had never really been looking. I was happy in my own skin.

I have nothing against marriage but I actually find that I have deep friendships and I am able to love people just as easily without the pressure of a full time relationship. I don't feel that I am missing out.

Nebraska sounds like a great friend. I'm happy for you. You are brave to post your thoughts on your past, present, and future. The thing is, nobody knows what tomorrow will bring for any of us. You are able to live in the moment and appreciate the simple pleasures of life.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I agree with JStar totally.

Beth said...

Mark, I spent over ten years on my own, and I'll tell you what...I studied up on what to do if I choked on a piece of food, even sort of practiced on what would be the best piece of furniture to "Heimlich myself" on. :/ I don't think it's silly to think of things like that at all, and yes, I've noticed that you've been posting more on FB. I'm glad! L&R, Beth