I have thought of closure as being overrated. There is no such thing… it does not exist. Everything ends, but physics says that matter cannot be destroyed. If a physical thing cannot be erased, how do you suppose that something that is an abstraction in itself, feelings for another person, be similarly capped or stopped?
One of the mechanisms that I have used to grow comfortable with my imperfect self that allows me to dwell is the knowledge that I don’t have to be perfect in anyone’s eyes, but that I do have to accept myself. The reality that I am not the sum of the “imperfections of my person”, as Michael Irvin is wont to say of himself as he copes with his personal missteps, is not a cop-out as it is a truth. Myself, I prefer to grow familiar with my flaws and fears, and I like to think that I have them all to a lunch, during which we grow familiar and are present with each other.
So a few weekends ago, I woke up with Princess on my mind. While I had hoped that it was there so that I could be of consul to my co-worker, the remains of the feelings and emotions that I have for her settled uncomfortably in my being. Riding out to Lincoln, I had hoped that physical exertion would excise her from my thoughts. But it did not, and this past Monday morning I sent her a text… “Do I ever get to see you again?” My heart trembled, fearing the absolute worst. It was certainly contrary to what I truly believe, and it left me vulnerable to be hurt… BAD.
Ten minutes or so passed… no response. Then I sent out two more text messages… “Princess, you aren’t going to answer me?”, “Princess, is it that hard for you to talk to me, even a text?” Moments later, my alert sounded and the words, “What does your schedule look like today?” A response, and not only a response but an indication that she would be willing to meet with me!! The next few texts were to arrange a meet, and we would meet a few hours later at a local eatery down the street from my building.
As I got ready for the meet, my thoughts were screaming in my head at near-supersonic speed. The official break-up was clear and precise… she did not see a future with me. While that may be vague and some would have asked for more definition, again, I am well aware of “the imperfections of my person”. If my best was not good enough, then what more is there for me to have done? And this is where all the risks and the potential hurt that I alone would be liable for, in my mind at least, lay.
When my starter marriage had become a comedy of errors, my Mother gave me a piece of advice that to this day I keep close to me. She told me that “...if you weren’t going to settle down and try to be married, then I should divorce her, and let her have another chance to find someone to marry“, and I knew well what she meant, as I have often spoke about how the current trends in relationships were sown back in the early 70’s, and while at that time the “relationship problem” wasn't quite as acute as it seems to be now, that is not saying much at all. So from my teen experiences and certainly from my young adult experiences, I have long known how to let someone go. There is nothing, nothing at all save heartache, to be found in trying to hold on to someone who does not want you. And when you are told, “...I don’t see a future with you in it” by the person you love, then you got to just bite down hard and gut it out. Besides, “we knew the environment”.
I don’t know if our relationship was doomed to fail, but there were certain markers, indicators, that this was not what she wanted. There were several “false flags” that kept me on alert, but hey, it is like I said… “we knew the environment”, and I fell for Princess regardless of the signs.
You may wonder why if I saw reasons to give me pause did I continue to pursue a relationship with her? Well, it was never a “bad” relationship in any obvious way, and there were several heartfelt occasions between us where she flat out stepped up and was THERE for me during several personal crises (and about which I will go into in my next entry). This is what had me keep her “account” with me open and in good standing.
Our conversation was nothing more than small talk. Yes, her youngest boys ask about me and her oldest went off to college without a hitch. And she really does look good and has lost weight. But I did not ask about what made her dump me… Sun Tzu’s direction on clarity of orders kept me from asking any more of our relationship. Are we going to be friends? I hope so… it will be challenging, because she is still OBVIOUSLY very attracted to me. Not only is she in a relationship, which in and of itself means nothing if she thinks she won’t get caught, I still don’t want to get caught up in that kind of situation, no matter what she OR Nebraska thinks.
Besides… no one has asked me yet HOW I got back from Lincoln to Omaha!!