Monday, September 23, 2013



Went to see the fights at the home of one of the guest’s at the fitness center.  It was a nice affair, with a couple of his friends and their partners.  The host’s stepdaughter and his wife were ‘haters’ on Floyd Mayweather, and of course, he won the fight handily.  The only other fight that drew my attention, the Danny Garcia-Lucas Matthysse was disappointing for other reasons than the Mayweather fight with Alvarez.  I thought that Matthysse would knock Garcia out, but Garcia beat him all over the place in winning the decision.  

The adventure in finding the host’s home was QUITE the adventure.  At first, I read the address wrong and was 20 blocks west and 10 north of the actual address HE HAD WRITTEN DOWN.  What I had in my mind did not look anything like what was on the paper in my notebook… which I took with me and LOOKED AT SEVERAL TIMES while I was en route.  Finding his house after I got reorientated was not a simple thing either, but I managed to get there.  Heading home was not a small-time thing.

Since I have never properly explored North Omaha,where the host lived, was discovered to be full of half-streets and twisty lanes.  The numeration of the streets were different, wish some numbers being ‘Avenues’ and other’s ‘Streets’.  Then I would get confused on which way was east, etc., and that was more evident when I left for home.  And though Omaha is self-referenced as ‘Metro’, it scarcely resembles the metro areas of larger cities.  Getting lost as I did showed me that as the woods and two-lane highways are way closer than they appear in your mirror to the residential areas.  

I was able to get home after consciously forcing myself to adhere to the rules of navigation… numbers are east-west and turn myself around.  Being lost in Omaha has made me grateful that it IS a small town in area and I am never more than a mile or two from recognizable streets and landmarks.  Now, we are ready to begin journalin’...


It sort of nags at me … the thought that I write to convince people that my journal is mainly a fiction, created to win the favor of people who I may never meet (though a couple of trips east next year will change that!) and for whom my journal is an interesting aberration from sanity!  But I do like writing and I think that you can infer from a person’s writing the quality of person that they are.

In the early days of my journal, I was really struggling with my writing… not that I could not produce content but that the technical aspects of writing created problems for me.  Since the condition that I have relates directly to my brain brain processing.  In fact, that is at the heart of why I determined that not only should I be on my own, but that moving from the Motor would be a part of the equation.

Even with all the political correctness that has emerged in the last two decades, when you are disabled there is no political correct way of facing the things that you either are less good at, or even can’t do.  Though I don’t have, wait for it, LEGENDARY determination, my will is greater than average at the very least.  Because I do not necessarily feel diminished, I felt that if I had to be on my own if I wanted to be in charge of my life.  I could not see myself living with family and having any hope of independence as a person.  From the conflation of psychic disturbance to the more baser acts like my nephew stealing from me, I would rather toss my well-being against the rocks of fate than to place any trust in my people.
My trials with Mookie Dee was a petri dish from which the majority of my relationship’s in Michigan could be observed and a postulation could accurately be made of what I expected to find had I remained in the Motor.  Not that Detroit is anything, but that my destiny lay elsewhere… and I am tasked to find it.

A note about “destiny”- it isn’t special that I feel this ‘calling’ to find myself… nor is it special that I consider myself having lived a life spent trying to ‘heed’ the its call.  But referencing Mookie Dee, I have never limited myself in believing only what someone told me, or what I could see.  There are universes before our very eyes every waking moment, and my novice understanding of string theory would confirm how I believe destiny is attached to each and every decision we make.  So to launch myself into the unknown and guided by my instincts, was in reality, the only choice I had left.

Having found my solitude here in Omaha, I find myself pondering issues that are directly related to me and my happiness.  Not only am I happy (and approaching contentment of mind as well) in the big O, but I get to let my dim light shine as bright as possible.

Whatever someone thinks of me, whatever impression that they draw from these words, then that is who I am… TO THEM.  I can’t interpret what I say for them, nor am I responsible for what someone takes away from my blog, as it is, if things are not clear to them then it is likely that it is not clear to me, either!  My aim is less about casual entertainment than it is my sincere expression of my slice of the microverse.  I try to approach everyone with courtesy, the principle reason for adopting the phrase, “Be kind, for each person you meet is fighting a hard battle”, which is part of a larger statement by Ian McLaren - “Most of us are acutely aware of our own struggles and we are preoccupied with our own problems. We sympathize with ourselves because we see our own difficulties so clearly.”


For some, self interest shapes their entire world.  It defines their understanding of others and informs them of what is important in their lives.  They can only see things through the lens of how things looks to them, often either ignoring the concerns or feelings of others.  Usually, when someone is pushed out of my life, out of my mind, it is usually because on the scale weighted by thoughtfulness and consideration, and that is entirely best for themselves, they often use their own needs and definitions to come to an understanding.  This thinking holds even in the face of contradictory evidence or claims made that refute their understanding.  What makes this criminal in my mind, is the arrogance of their lack of consideration.

Cognitive Executive Dysfunction pretty much covers the  suite  of issues with my brain functioning.  And while there are available treatment to help with my brain function, things are pretty much what they.  I know that I could prolly USE some assistance in my day-to-day activities, such as ‘here-to-there’ travels that folks who can drive take for granted (but with the price of gas, I have to wonder..!) like running to the grocer’s and paying my internet bills.  But since I don’t, I just get to them when I get to them.  

Yet, despite my laissez-faire attitude to the details of my life… I wonder why I DON’T feel comfortable in asking for a car ride…

“...consequently, it is important to choose men on whom we can rely and to put aside all other considerations. if we have made appropriate preparations, taking into account all possible misfortunes, so that we shall not be lost immediately if they occur, we must boldly advance into the shadows of uncertainty.”
- Karl von Clausewitz

Though our relationship never moved past the depths not unlike that of the topmost layer of insulation covering high tension wire, I did not feel that I could rely on Nebraska to be a regular part of my life.  Whether or not she realized it, between these two constants of my personal philosophy, she was found wanting.


She crosses my mind from time to time, only in passing, and then for not very long and they are insubstantial thoughts at that.  What would it had been like had she been able to accompany me to watch the Mayweather-Alvarez fight?  Or what would walking around the Old Market be like with her?  There are so many that should have already happened between us… more fitness runs and home improvement workshops at Home Depot… things we could have been doing to improve our coupling.  I would much rather she be happy in her present relationship… It did not happen and I don’t speculate any more about ‘us’ than I have shared here with you, because the tenets of my ‘Rules To Live By’ would not allow for more of my intellectual capital to be spent thinking about our relationship.

When I go back to the moments right after my disability hearing and in those eternal seconds that became minutes and eventually, they would be the hours of my Ny-Quil nights, I begin to gird my psyche.  This is something that I had begun preparing myself for since the earliest days of my amateur boxing career, and I was determined live as fulfilling and productive life as I could.

To realize one’s destiny is a person’s only obligation.” -Paulo Coehlo
Part of why this blog exists is for me to ‘discharge’ thoughts and feelings that distract me while they operate inside my head.  When I am speaking here, I “discharge” the emotions and prevent those mental constructs (because that is all ‘feeling bad’ is about… the things that your mind constructs to cope with a situation) from congealing and becoming “real”.

IRL, I don’t actually “share” much of what is on my mind… because I am too enmeshed in the actual process of being to tell you about myself “here and now”.  So much of what accounts for “now” in most people’s present moment does not even exist in my world.  Oftentimes, I have to wonder the relevance of what a co-worker does/is doing/ is not doing has on a subject’s world.  If I had to choose the way stress enters my life and risk a stroke and/or a cardiac event, I choose ice cream and cookies, yellow cake with chocolate icing, and BUTTERFINGER candy bars!  The stupidity of others is confined to the respective area’s of my life and that is that with that.

No matter what obstacles that has to be overcome while I am here, I am CERTAIN that beyond the cliffs and valleys that lay ahead is MY DESTINY.  And yet again, I am in charge of determining “the what’s what” of my life.  THAT is my path, and finding my path has been my goal… not being in a relationship with Nebraska and not being lucky and finding love with Princess.

1 comment:

betty said...

I think having a place to write one's feelings/thoughts, etc., is a good thing to have. I think it helps get things out in better perspective, at least for me. What I wonder sometimes is when people "read" me, especially if I'm sharing stuff going on with certain family members, they wonder how much could actually be true or how much is embellishment. Sadly most of it is true with me not sharing other details of a particular situation. I think there are those blogs out there that are written by those that are looking for attention, etc., but I would not classify your blog and your writings in any of that, Mark, and I'm sure it is not fiction that you write as you share what you share here.