Since I have always claimed that this is more of an actual journal than it is a blog, I guess I should catch you all up on the actual comings and goings in my life. Let’s begin with school...
On my last test I scored a 75, which plops me squarely in “average” territory. But when you average that with my “first among the idiots” 57, it means that I am a “D” student. Of course, I know that I am better than that and I do not think that I will not pull that grade up. The annoying thing about this class has been the “preventable mistakes” that I make, missing the signs and forgetting steps that cost me points. Yeah, trust me... I KNOW that I am injured NOW, but that does not mean that I get a break on achieving anything. So I am putting in the work and will be humping through this class. And if a “C” is the best I can do, then it WILL BE the best that I do. Understand: settling for less than I expect is not about “aiming low” but an admission that after all the effort and commitment of my time and resources available to me at any present moment, that the result is what it is, the proper representation of my effort. And it is with that in mind that I will accept my due, and gladly so.
Whether it has been my “early sundown Mondays” or the “Mindwipe Moments” that Sherry lovingly poked fun at in a recent comment, I still feel up to the task at hand. If anything, I feel more empowered, if anything, to reach for the stars above my head, and that are symbolized in my room at night, glowing on the bedroom walls.
I have an secret “in case of emergency break glass” fund, where I have dropped the odd two or three dollars in since I have begun my journey here back in ‘07. It has only amounted to a couple of hundred dollars but with my expected state income tax return, I am going to “break the glass” this summer. I am going to become a certified personal trainer, and that is going to change how things in my life are prioritized. And from here, lets jump off into “infinity and beyond” and go wherever this is going..!
MENTAL TOUGHNESS... EXTRA EFFORT (or you can just “Play Angry”!)
While I began my trip to Omaha in October of ‘07 (and is my “fiscal start date”), what really served as a good omen was the proximity of the New Year. I have long been a person that “moved in his own time”, and since I was going to re-enter society, for me to be making an entrance at a time when such renewals were common, was an indication that I will be allowed by the fates to move into the world, provided that I did just that... move INTO the world and go forward into my dreams. Another one of the signs that have been like the subliminal images that is the Matrix, was Wichita State’s run to the Final Four. ToonGuy KC was the first (and only) person to catch the MTXE slogan that has been a part of my philosophy since the early 80’s as the slogan for the Wichita State men’s basketball team. And their current slogan, “Play Angry” is pretty good from which to build a personal system with, I still like the MTXE better. What I wanted to point out is how things have aligned like bioluminesce in the oceans of life... and I am only following them wherever it is that they are leading.
Though I may seem to be lost to things things that seem to be ethereal and spacey, they are just as real to me as the ancient beliefs that other people set their lives by. What I think, and therefore believe, is just as tangible as stories of the arisen that is come to redeem humanity and ascend to a unseen paradise that you don’t know is there, but you are compelled to believe exists. So many small and (for me) big incidents have taken place as I have been in full pursuit of my life that I cannot help but be glad for myself and my situation.
Because the things that I say mean more to me than the banalities that you often hear in vogue at any given time, be it through slang or supposed inspired moments, I wanted to make this journey of my life “alone”. When it comes to intimate relationships, I have experience a breakdown of philosophy that makes me think of how Einstein’s physics begin to break down in the reality of Quantum physics... the kind of disintegration that exists on the event horizon of a black hole. No one knows what happens on the other side and since I see life the way that I do, I want to know what is on the “other side”.
And in speaking of “black holes”, because we don’t know what is on the other side, I tend to lump the image into the paradigm of reaching a point of no return. Pressing limits and breaking out of the same stale thinking that has one in whatever circumstance that they are in, is of critical importance to me. I don’t sit in jealous contempt of anyone (though I do hate on Kobe Bryant!!), and I don’t spend much, if any, energy in regret of the things that I did/did not do.
I chose to go after my life alone before my diagnosis, and though I do have my issues with that, because of what it means to me, the inspiration to come “out west”, I never questioned the validity of the wisdom that has brought me here. It was something that was born outside of me and yet is deep within me, something that I am a part of, as are all of you who read this. This is also one of the early sprigs from the seedling of my now staunch agnosticism.
There has never been a place in my life for what can be best described as “spiritual contradiction”. As Schrodinger’s Cat proves, once you make a choice, it becomes your reality. To make a “non A” choice after you choose “A” is chaos, and much of what constitutes personal dissatisfaction in personal relationships, is represented in trying to live the consequence of “non A” after one has chosen “A”.
Whenever I have given thought to my life, I always am able to come back to how “true” it has been. My “bucket list” is in tatters because I have been “here and there”, as well as “back again”. The unforeseen that has taken place in my life have not been as unfortunate as that which has befallen others (hence, the statement that “those things happen to OTHER PEOPLE but not to Mark!!”), and I can live well within myself. When I last spoke to my Carolina Girls, they both brought tears to my eyes. Every time that we have been together, I have honestly told them that I loved them and that I regret every instant that I have not been in their lives... BUT, that I was not the person then, nor am I now, that could have insured that they grow up to be who it is that they are NOW... and that still, what I hate for them that they grew up without me but to remember that they are wonderful human beings and there is no guarantee that they would be the person that they are. I have imagined that as children that was a bit much to swallow, but I have reinforced that with them and I can hope that now that they are “getting it” and we will continue to grow our relationships.
...AND THAT’S IT ... FOR NOW...
I have blown past my word count limit for this entry... and perhaps I will close with a reason why I have one. See, I truly think that if your problems have solutions, then you have no problems. And for those whose problems don’t have solutions, I think you can find misplaced emphasis on the issues in their lives. Solve for that and the intractable problem that is self-esteem, then you will find that there are no problem for which a solution does not exist. It is just that most solutions are not easy and in the bargain, they are yours for a cost.
But... just like “sex and violence”, easy solutions are what too many people seek out. And when things aren’t coming easily, they lose interest in the solutions at hand. And so they go on, like a rudderless boat, floating off into the horizon of their miseries...