Sunday, April 21, 2013

MTXE II


TACTICAL

Not much.  I mean, I could use some help figuring out my signs for factoring and handling complex fractions, but other than that... just the usual stuff that occurs to a cat when they have been diagnosed with CTBI or whatever...

I could stir up and compose a more dramatic “what’s what” but that would defeat the overarching purpose of my moving to and being in Omaha.  There are moments where dark clouds obscures the sun, but they move along at pace and the skies above me clears. So let the curtain now rise and the show begin...

MTXE

When it comes to the major relationships in my life, there has never been a question to whether or not I was committed to seeing things progress and develop to an imagined blissful conclusion.  Though my record may speak otherwise, I know that I did what I could, and I am sure that I could not have done anymore that what I was doing/had done, that I had put everything on the line to move things forward.  For example, as my relationship with Mookie Dee was winding down, I sucked it up and had a “gotta get back into this thing” approach to our relationship that was to no avail.


Because it was a keystone in the foundation of my pre-pubescent character, being tough mentally and being willing to put forth more than a token effort at anything, has kind of been my calling card since I was “only a lad”.  Whether or not everything turns out aces matters less than it does that I did everything that I could have possibly done to  achieve a desired outcome.  It is why I don’t give out equivocations and I don’t accept them either.

Part of my musing’s over the emotions that inhabits the lonely austere offices of the heart is that I don’t have the same reaction to that kind of loss that everyone else seem to have.  I mean, while I feel the galling tinge of my own bile from my stomach churning violently as I am tossed on the rocky outcrops of romance in the ocean of life’s waters, and sometimes in those weirdly anxious moments when I am alone I have to resist the urge to reach out and to call or text either Nebraska or Princess, I find the inner resolve to keep from doing just that.  There is nothing different about what I feel when a relationship ends than what other people feel and express... the difference is how I manage myself when these feelings well up and begin to spill over into the hallways of my mind.  Keeping these false notions, “the thoughts that I think that I am thinking about” separate from the critical thoughts that become “actionable ideas” leading to the things that I actually choose to do, simply seems natural to me.  I have never known a time in my life when my mind did not divide my thoughts like that.

It would be simplistic to say that it is part of my inflated self-worth that keeps me from wanting someone that doesn’t want me, and though there is some of that, that does not fit the entirety of why I don’t bother with people when a relationship ends.  It is more that because I feel that I gave my best in a relationship that if the results of my efforts do not result in what was desired, I am good with that.  I will pick up my toys and go home.

With Mookie Dee, Nebraska, and Princess, there is no need for me to find out WHAT was wrong in me, or what could have been done to resolve the relationship.  Again, I will repeat  that I did not “quit” on anyone, as reconcilable differences are just that - differences with which there are no solutions,as sometimes people are numerators that are “divided by zero”.  Because I feel that I left everything that I had for the relationship IN the relationship, there just isn’t anything that I can do to change what happened.  As for going forward...
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Once I received my CTBI diagnosis, I knew that my thoughts, more specifically my emotions, were going to leave me vulnerable.  But here is where my introversion is more of a benefit to me than a liability.  I am not concerned with relationships and finding love the way that most people seem to be.  There has NEVER been a time in my life where I felt lonely and wanted for someone else in my life or friends to keep company with.  So when these tendrils of sadness and longing for people who have already made their decision about me, seep up from the murky depths, my impulse is not to “drunk dial” anyone, literally or metaphorically, reaching out by text or email, but to ask myself, “Is this feeling real?”

“Being comfortable with being uncomfortable” is something that I remember hearing as a kid that I have associated with positive actions that are aimed at an objective.  Most things that are for your individual betterment tends to be awkward at first.  Teddy Atlas, former trainer for Mike Tyson during his formative years as a boxer, was asked if Mike was a “natural fighter.”  Teddy, with a dash of incredulity in his voice responded, “Well, he didn’t walk into the gym that way!”  So even when he was at his peak, Mike Tyson had those moments when he had to question whether he was able to “be something” as a boxer.

Life is an experience of many metaphorical phrases .  Thing is, I feel that each individual should be living in their own metaphor and if that metaphor includes another person, that they should be willing to amend their vision to include them.  Of course, that is dependent on how much they trust the connection to said person and how much they truly value them in their life.  But of course, that is me.

Trying to fight through the fog of my injury is enough for me.  I am glad to fit things into my protocols and methodology when it comes to my personal relationships.  It is once I get “outside of the bubble” that I have to think more extemporaneously, and be adept at turning at a moments notice.
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One of the reasons that I feel it is important to identify and deal with “the things that I think I am thinking about” has to do with my reality, defined by the person who turns the key to open the door to apartment #504.  I mean, I come in at the end of my spinnings from a day spent “Nigeling”, being friendly, speaking to people, and usually remaining directly on task.  I never grow tired of getting up, working out, going to school, and then to work.  Everything has a purpose, every thing that I do is a means to an end... that there is no clearly identified “end” in mind is immaterial.  I am a person who believes that it is the road that is the end... and I am again on my path.

This is why I call my musings about Princess, and why I still have such chippy relations with Nebraska “things that I think that I am thinking about” as well as the other “things” that may hover in the peripheral of my critical thoughts.  After all, I took the major actions that I had faith in that would lead to a positive, desirable decision for both situations.  Whenever something fails, there are thousands of theories as to why... but when it comes to achievement and success, nothing is more a common factor as to why it happened other than that of hard work and applied faith.  Somewhere, somehow, there was a breakdown of either effort or/and belief in a particular relationship.  And when that happens, well, it is usually “that is that with that”.

It is with that in mind, along with the indisputable reality of my situation, the one that I have asked for all along, that keeps me from feeling anything than less-than-good.  Often, the simple act of going outside burns the fog that may have settled in my mind, and it is not long before I am thinking about the things that I am hoping for..

2 comments:

Ken Riches said...

Focus on school and work, the rest will happen when it happens.

FrankandMary said...

It is easy to tell that you are not a quitter.

Not bad people in these relationships, but rhythms clashing. So much coupling is freighted with expectations, so inelegant in assumptions.

It usually takes my mind a little while to digest your writing, which is good. Form never supersedes content here.