Friday, April 5, 2013

EMBARKING ON FURTHER JOURNEYS


TACTICAL

Remembering that “the main thing is the main thing”, I am doing very, very well.  What that means should be obvious.  As infatuated as I was with the idea of being with Nebraska, and given how I felt about relationships before I got here, Princess and her decision to sever relations with me is so not part of the “main thing”.  Who knows if she will have a change of mind (we really aren’t concerned about her heart... if it is not synched with her mind, WHO CARES) and wishes to again extend a fig leaf toward me.  

Now this is critical to why I am not someone who is interested in “do overs”.  First of all, upon the apparent degradation of a relationship, how do you find yourself having the motivation to do the things that are necessary for this person, and participate with in a relationship, who in many ways is now a stranger to you?  To say nothing of the hidden shadows and recesses that are a part of life and living... to wit, Princess spends half of the week out of state.  She dumped me and is moving on.  Should we get back together, how would I be assured that in those dark places where I cannot see, where the things that I know that I don't know, is not indeed a real thing, and is something that is sprung from a badly fermented mind?  But since this entry (and my purpose to being in Omaha) is not about that and I feel that those who know me through my blog can imagine how I am handling the development in my love life, let’s move along, shall we..?

WHY THERE ARE LIGHTS THAT NEVER GO OUT IN MY HEART

Nixxie called during the past week and-a-half with a question that left me feeling rather giddy.  She said that KT had asked her, “If something happened to my Daddy, how would I know?”.  I am not really big on my own family knowing whether or not I am doing well, and as to why that is I would have to go back and do some “excavatin’ and educatin’”, and that is something I do not feel compelled to do.  But when Nixxie asked about that, I felt a small vindication, as being an absentee parent does not automatically mean that you have no feeling for your children.  I have done, with a lot of credit going to Nixxie, the best I was going to do for KT.  And what that means is, that my involvement in her life has come at whatever level of effort that it took for me to “be there”.  Having a very understanding partner in her Mom, I do get to say that KT is my daughter, unreservedly.  So that really cheered me to think that someone that I love so much obviously loves me a bunch too!  A few days later, I spoke to Lexxie.

Our conversation was very pleasant, as Pecan Sandie answered the phone in a very upbeat voice.  That was the thing with us as a couple... when we were good, we were very good.  I am always geared to see things as good a light as I possibly can, and she has some very positive, high energy traits as well.  But she is susceptible to being MOO-DEE, and her epic mood swings violated the principle that holds together my formula for happiness.  So that is why our relationship came with a “low number”.  

In talking with Lexxie, I began with my apologies for everything.  As we got into the conversation, she paused midway through and said, “Dad, you do know that even Mobsters can be good parents, so can alcoholics.  It does not matter what else you have done with your life, as long as you try.  And you try, Dad.”  Man, how cool is that? We really had a good talk, and the combination left me on a high, one that would get a little higher later in the week.  And while things between Skye and me are still on the same level as it was, reading Beth’s entry reinforced what I already know, that I am not alone and if anything, live an example of what Parental Alienation does and should not do in a parent-child relationship.


AFTER SUNDOWN, THE SUN ALSO RISES AGAIN

I have not been as active in social media/blogging, and while I mourn that I prolly won’t ever get back to the old J-Land level of activity, I will be missing even more time out on the blogosphere.  But it is perhaps for the best reason of all... I “felt” some of what I lost come back online!

With brain research, it goes about like oceanography... as much as is known about the seas, we still know and understand very little about it.  Often, comparison is made that we know more about space than we do the oceans, and brain research is much the same way.  Some of what is known, is just that, something that is known.  What researchers DON’T know is WHY.  This speaks to a lack of deep understanding of what goes on in the brain, and maybe one day research will find out what makes the brain “tick”.

Years and years ago, back in the early eighties after I had my personal epiphany about pursuing a career in boxing, I read where there were cases in which another previously dormant area of the brain would take on the tasks that were normally assigned or associated with a non-functioning or damaged area of the brain.  So in storing that, I have operated under the premise that should I have a brain injury, that I will simply “will” myself through until “something happens”.  And in struggling through my Algebra, I believe that “something happened”.

As I went over and over my work (one of the interesting things about my condition is that, I can work a problem, come back to it an hour or so later, and it will become a “new” problem again!  More on that another day!!), I started to see the problems much in the same way that I am accustomed, meaning that I was not lost and just plugging in what I thought an answer should be, but actually understanding the formulas and arriving at the correct answer!  So I have thrown myself into my studies full on, which is why I have not been on the blogs as much as I would have liked.

So there you go... and for those who are regular reader as well as the recently added (I think a couple of them are around), don’t let what will be discussed here in the future fade you... I am not only doing better than good, I AM doing better than most!!

4 comments:

mrs.missalaineus said...

good to hear that the 'something happened' has benefited you.

xxalainaxx

Beth said...

So happy to hear that you had a good conversation with Lexxie. What a sweet thing for her to say, and I can tell it did your heart good!

Sounds like you had a "light bulb" moment with the Algebra. That has to be one of the best feelings in the world. The time I remember it most distinctly is when I was in high school, in German class. I was reading a book in German, and it suddenly struck me that I was reading IN GERMAN and understanding IN GERMAN. I.e., I wasn't reading the German words, translating them to English in my mind, and understanding them that way. I was fully grokking the German. It was such an amazing moment that I've never forgotten it. THAT is the joy of learning, my friend!

As for the Parental Alienation stuff...I'm glad my entry helped you. That's exactly how I felt about Baldwin's book: "We're not alone." Just knowing that helped immensely. Apparently, Ken's ex still reads our blogs, because she posted a hateful and bitter entry about how Ken is completely out of her life AND out of the kids' lives and how he is nothing to her now, nothing but a sperm donor and a bad memory. Yeah, she's totally over it, huh? Anyway, she went on to say that we ignore the fact that Parental Alienation Syndrome isn't recognized by any psychiatric association or court in the country (ignoring the fact that we both wrote exactly that), and that Ken is just latching onto anything to blame so he doesn't have to blame his own failure as a father, blah di fucking blah.

The level of hatred and anger still there is astounding to see, and Ken and I agree that there will be no change in the kids' attitudes until they get out from under her roof and under her influence. Maybe...MAYBE...when they're out on their own they'll be able to think for themselves without her clouding their minds with this constant vitriol. If she's still writing about it on her blog, don't you just know that she's still saying it in front of the kids?

Anyway, there is always hope that the kids--yours as well as Ken's--will work through things on their own, start asking questions and demanding answers. I've seen it happen in other families, so anything is possible.

Didn't mean to write a chapter! L&R!

Have Myelin? said...

I laughed when you said "one of the interesting things about my condition is that, I can work a problem, come back to it an hour or so later, and it will become a “new” problem again!"

I know it wasn't intended to be funny but it was, and probably because I have the same issue. I tend not to change my decisions since I have learned my gut is a better barometer than "facts and figures" or rather what one SHOULD do according to whatever arbitrary law(s) we think should guide us.

You sound good, as always.

FrankandMary said...

I read MOO-DEE somewhere in this & now cannot find it. Anyway, hilarious.;o

And you try, Dad.

Beautiful. All(ok, almost all) of this is reeking optimism. You live simply, but not lightly.

I also read what Beth wrote. It is beyond disgusting when a parent tries to turn a child against the other parent. No parent does that for the child's benefit..it is twisted revenge & spite.