TACTICAL
I am not doing well in school. The new job has really drained me and I have been
REALLY STRUGGLING with my school work. Still,
I am positive and hopeful, and steps are being taken to get things back to
level at the very least.
It is difficult for me to sit down and make direct comments
about things that challenge me, not because I don’t want to seem like I am
wanting pity or anything, but because I have always believed, prior to
diagnosis, that if you have time to sit and be so cognizant to think about all
the crap that is acting as a “drag coefficient” then you have not committed
enough of yourself to finding a solution to your problems. That is why I diffuse a lot of my issues
through generalization, because I am not journaling publicly for sympathy. Most of the people who I admire, and who face
their different impairments and challenges with nobility that I aspire to, have
don’t either. So if it seems that the essence
of the comment still bugs me, it does.
For instance, I don’t puff up what I have done in my
life. I simply acknowledge that I have
lived a full life and “been there and done that” when it comes to experiencing what I wanted our of life. One of the things that I have had
enough of has been relations with women who feel as though they are owed
something because of the perpetual victimization that some women cling to and
unintentionally complicate their relationships with me.
A lot of times I skip details on where I draw my thoughts
from because I have already lived it and confirmed my opinion in observations
and experience. As far as if a
generalization lands where someone lives… can’t say that I care, really,
because I would make the same statement IRL and be willing to discuss the
boundaries as I am doing here in my journal with you, face-to-face, if “whoever”
is willing to have that conversation.
Being so anxious to be with someone, I married my starter
wife and her boatload of issues and insecurities. From thinking she was unattractive because
she was “fat” and undesirable because she was an unwed Mother she also had a crappy
attitude towards men. It was not only an
immaturity about her, but something that was for the time, an accepted view of
African-American men. From Oprah, music
and in popular books (or has Terry McMillan been
forgotten that easily… let’s hope that both the “Twilight” and the “…of Grey” authoresses
go away as quietly as well!), brother’s were getting it from all sides
and RIGHTFULLY SO.
BUT, I DO NOT GIVE A F*CK what your last man did, or the man
before that, or what your Father did to you Mother. I just don’t.
Not because I am heartless but because I do understand and empathize
with the plight of the sisterhood. And I
am able to empathize IN SPITE OF the attitudes (cause
you DO need food to eat up!!) and insults that I have had to smile my
way through for much of my adolescence and young adult years. Sure, I generalize because while many of the
Single Mother’s Club members don’t share the same fail traits to the same
degree as, say, my starter wife or Mookie Dee, enough of ‘em do share these
traits nonetheless. I generalize so that
I can further diffuse the toxin of the negative venom that they carry.
By the same token I understand how I am also representative
on the surface of a lot of “alley cats” who go around life simply going around. But just I did not get what more my starter
wife could have expected of a cat when we met, and I cannot fathom why Mookie
Dee made her decision which I interpret as being unwilling to merge forces and
deal with things like sisters and women in general, as kind of expected to be
with their “loved one”. Now with Mookie
Dee, the whole sleeping around thing was what it was. She had a little of the tramp/whore in her
when she was in her teens, as she enjoyed bangin’ other girls boyfriends. Leaving her the first time was pretty easy,
but it was simply a no-brainer the second time.
So, have you made your decision yet? Have you decided if you are going to be one
of those crappy, single women at the bar swirling their drink saying in a
smoked-out voice, “Yeah, I used to try to be in a relationship… tough racket,”
before they throw back a shot of Jimmy Beam?
I want to know, “HAVE YOU MADE YOUR DECISION FOR CHRIST!!” Again, not to offend but I am asking because
whether or not you know it, your decision is THAT IMPORTANT. Are you going to change your thinking, which
will change your behavior, and from those changes you can subsequently change
the results you have in your love life?
And why I don’t care that you feel you have to “take care of
this… make sure of that..?” Because if
your processing has served to produce an approval when it comes to OUR
relationship, there is no more “you have to”, just as there is no longer an “I
have to”. Going on the “expectation of
desired results bring about ‘desired results’ “, the pronouns should change and
become “we”. If you consciously choose not to evolve to
that point, then like the Neanderthal, you have to welcome your fate.
BECAUSE MY MARGINS ARE SO THIN…
…and are NOT INFLUENCED from my injury…
With both my starter and Mookie Dee, I knew that I was
flying through the trench of life and depending on “the Force” to land my
shot. And I again ask, because jumping
around the country and trusting on something thinner than cheese-cloth to
support decision that weigh as much as Chuck D’s Uzi (itweighs a ton), for someone to be indecisive is…
…expected. My SFC notwithstanding,
I rarely expect someone to join me out in the forbidden zone and really letting
their faith work through their choices.
Flaws, faults, I have them in spades.
But you know what else I have in even greater numbers? I am filled kindness and thoughtfulness. I am hardworking and determined, not to
mention supportive. Dare I say that
most, if not all, of the things that your ex-whatever was? Can you trust me with your children… your
feelings… your secrets..? Of course I am
going to say “yes” but not only that, I will make it my goal to reaffirm that I
am all that and more.
AND WHAT DO YOU DO..?
So other than what I have told you about myself (and from which I think you would be able to intuit certain
things about our relationship), what IS what about my now official
girlfriend and myself. What about “us”? Well first thing is, how close we came to NOT
being a couple.
I guess she liked one of her exes a lot when they first met
and they went through some DRAMA.
Finding out about it really broke my heart, because in all the mess I
talk (or should I say “have talked”… most of my mea culpa about me and women
were made when I was still having “stifled Friday nights”). But in the tradition of Anton Chigurh, “ …of what
use was the rule?” that I was following if obeying it still brought me to where
me and Princess were at in our relationship?
There are only so many things that are exclusive to any
human being. I mean, do anyone really
think that I am the only adult who eats the heck out of a Butterfinger® candy bar?? It was the second reference to that kind of “things-in-common-with-He-who-will-not-be-named”
(their reference, not mine). Now if I think that frequent comparisons and
finding of and noting shared traits with a person who is said to have brought
so much discomfort and unhappiness in your lives is an ominous sign, then my
indebtedness goes from “all of us” to just “me”. Because evidently, unlike me, you don’t see
making such comments as asking the universe to sh*t on whatever our
relationship could be. And it is not
like there are things that my starter wife has done or claim made that I could
relate to a Mookie Dee, and makes an “innocuously inane” statement as she
shared with her eldest son about me. But
I did not and I do not, because if I do, then there HAS to be a consequence,
right? Otherwise, “of what use was the
rule?” What made the difference was that
part of her opening statement were the inclusion of the words, “Let me talk,
there is something that I have to tell you.”
Because had she let me speak first, I would have told her what the “inside
joke” she shared with her son meant to me, and that I had to, by rule,
terminate our relationship.
FALLING FORWARD FOR THE EXTRA
YARD
If any has ever, now or in any other incarnation of this
life labeled “Mark Johnson” ever wonders why our friendship or relationship has
met what they feel is an untimely end, it usually has something to do with the
faith/trust portion of the relationship.
While I can still like and care for people who do not like me or have no
intention or desire to make a positive impact on my life, when it comes to
trusting a person, or having faith that I can count on a person, usually that
is a mark that can never be erased nor eased into irrelevancy. My margins… if I cannot count on you to be
available when “whenever” arrives, and it is a small “whenever”, then I will
not have any use for you in my life.
I may not have “a particular set of skills” a la BryanMills, but I do have a bag o’ tricks to fall back on and that have brought me a
“particular set of results”. But because
of the slim margins I have in my life and always have worked with, there are
certain things that I can absolutely not tolerate.
So I don’t.
I think that I am done with this segment of the continuing
discussion on “stuff” for a long time.
Other things concern me… and I have to rally around the family (with a pocket-full of shells) so if I can earn another
break and visit around the blogs, I will do so.
But right now, I am so tired, just so tired… and I am feeling
particularly sick and ill today…
5 comments:
i tutored someone over skype this summer- email me, maybe we can work something out to get you some feedback or study assistance-
xxalainaxx
I know how you feel regarding the trust thing, that is a deal breaker in my book.
I give you props for being so honest in your post.
I have had a BS degree for 25 years now and the reality is that I'm just too lazy to go back and get my MBA........nope, not gonna happen. I applaud you for working and going to school at the same time.
As far as your starter wife is concerned, all baggage isn't carry on; but while we may be understanding as a significant other, we can't solve the worlds problems or take one for the team where someone else's foibles are concerned. It's hard enough being responsible for everything we do, much less what some other man did.
I hope you're feeling better by now - emotionally AND physically. And you're right - the one thing that will bust a relationship, no matter how much Love there may be at the top of it - is a lack of Trust under it. It's the foundation - and you can't build a strong house on sand.
Hang tough, my friend. Give yourself some time to de-stress and make sure you get enough rest. It sounds like your fatigue is really weighing on you, and addressing that can really make a difference. L&R!
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