Still struggling with Algebra and this term what has been an acceptance of my limitations. This admission is in no way acquiescence to my limits in general, but it is going to be very difficult for me to get past my Math and into the next class on schedule.
Whenever I have longed for support and received the offer of tutoring, it really buoyed me. While schedule conflict made online help difficult, it did give me the energy to slip off to get tutoring before work on Friday, and I will be there at school bright and early on Monday for more help from the Math Lab.
Other than the stress of working and going to school, things have been going well. Me and Princess are still getting along. Nebraska and I “celebrated” our second year of being local with another misunderstanding. It is interesting how we still seem to not be able to see eye-to-eye. I will admit that a large part of our problem is on my end, because I have to overcome being a little resentful about how things fell apart before they could ever be knitted together. Maybe we will find our way to becoming friends and maybe we won’t. I have to acknowledge that I do not want her to fall into the “null file” of my life and be someone that I simply “know of” and that we never give ourselves the opportunity to get to “know each other”. And the onus would be on me, and for anyone who have been following me from the “provincial town I once jogged ‘round” to Omaha should pretty much understand why that is.
EVERYONE WHO PRETENDED TO LIKE ME IS GONE
There are a few bands that I have a distinct recollection of from the purchase of the first (for me) CD of theirs when I picked up their releas from “The Record Collector” on 9 Mile Road, about two blocks west of Woodward in Ferndale. One of the bands, “The Walkmen”, come with a really clear and concise memory of what it felt like when I first listened to what I consider to be their lead song, “Everyone Who Pretended To Like Me Is Gone”, from their CD of the same name. The Real Detroit magazine review really had me stoked about the “it” band from the New York music scene in spite of how overhyped I think bands and artist can be from the Big Apple. After reading a review in the Metro Times about their first album, I wanted to hear it because of its title… I was like, “what kind of song could ask a question like that sound like?” Upon getting back to my Palmer Woods apartment, I was transfixed. It was a Friday night, well before they would become “stifled” and I was playing Playstation and eating my favorite snack, cookies from the Astoria Bakery. It was nothing and everything that I expected it to be.
Making the best of situations is a choice you make that is independent of reason and purpose. At least it is to me. After all, having made sure that you are willing to work for your achievable aims in your life, being happy should be always among your highest considerations. That is to say, there is a kind of happiness in work, in focused determined efforts towards a cause you are completely and irreducibly committed to. Maybe I am in over my head and that is okay, because I know will know that conclusively and not ever have to question whether or not my dreary existence that would have been life with Mookie Dee, or in any other place not Omaha, Nebraska would have been. I am where I said I wanted to be and I am doing what I said I wanted to do. Misery? Presently, this is as close to bliss as my life can get, and I get to expect with a great sense of intention and high spirit that thing will get better from this point on.
THE DOMINANT CONSIDERATION
I can commiserate with the best of them but one of the reason that I feel that the Rethug’s use of the word “victimization” has gained traction is that the term means different things to those who influence policy and to those who understand its high-pitched “dog whistle” meanings. From the “We didn’t build this?” galoots, who in their eagerness to give it to all those ethnic minorities crying about welfare, as well as the women and the gays arguing about their civil rights, fail to comprehend that they DIDN’T build it, at least not alone. And unlike Senator Ryan, who read in his teens about objectivism and its alleged superiority as an ideal, I was able to realize that it is a philosophy built in sand and overly concerned with amorality because the creator was from a place of governance that empowered only a few and used scarcity to control its society.
When I am railing against women and the various sub-groups within the gender’s heterosexual wing, it is not because I am secretly a misogynist and hate all female’s with a passion. The same reason I do not have a great deal of empathy for those who would discredit a gender in the whole without being able to provide a substantive debate as to “why they believe what they do” or cannot independently confirm their position without invoking a empty song reference (yeah, I said it… DESPITE my buttressing this entry with a song!!) as well as identifying with the lyrics or some crap movie or a media star’s “private” relationship distress. There is a unifying reason as to why as bad as I personally I may feel my marriage was or how I felt about what I went through with Mookie Dee and that is also why I had never been involved with a person that I used to date.
BECAUSE THIS IS ONE AREA OF MY LIFE WHERE I TOOK ANTON CHIGURH’S ADVICE
Before I codified my personal philosophy, being picked on and teased convinced me that there are THREE things a person can count on in this life – Death, taxes, and a f*cked up person in your life should remain a f*cked up person and dealt with appropriately. And this is why I have the urge to wedgie people who want to pine away over a former partner.
If, as many people often due when a relationship is dissolved, the person that they are separated from is often in violation of my personal feelings about “old girlfriends/boyfriends”. The reason that I had could not broach asking Tee Jay back into my life is that once someone is “out”, they are no longer a person for whom I can rely on and put all other considerations aside. So if that is the rule be which I choose to live by, how is it that I can find a reason to want to include a person who failed this crucial test back into my life? See, people “pretend” to be what they wish they are and since like success, personal or otherwise, is a path that is parallel to freedom, it is one that is empty and populated by a select few who are even then, separated by the distances relative to their goals. For instance, I can picture hanging out with Alaina, her hubby and her animal crew had I stayed local, got it together and somehow hung out with SD, who lives on the east side. Or even had Tee Jay (which is more likely) who really got into being the occasional “alternative” (I mean we saw acts from the Magic Bag all the way to Harpo’s on the east side and the Majestic in Mid-town together… she was truly someone who had “bought in”) scene that I would dabble in. But I can be confident in that we’d become friends of a sort because I believe in her, and her willingness to help a smurf out (after all, she made the SAME offer last school year!).
AND THE MAIN THING TO GETTING ME TO BELIEVE IN YOU
Well, don’t give me any reason NOT to believe in you. This is another reason that people who “go back to go forward” rarely get there. I used to say that the “arrow of time” moved in one direction, but Einstein’s special relativity is being superseded by quantum physics, so maybe there is the possibility of time travel, and yes, this was a factor in my “ex list” decision. That, along with Heisenberg’s principle on uncertainty, I figured, “what the hey, you only have this one life of your to live… why wonder about ‘what if?’”.
THE MILLS GRIND EXCEEDINGLY FINE
Yeah, I know… way past the stop line. But I really don’t know when I will get back here again and I have to get this mess out of my head. I have never minded taking the long walk home when kids were driving to school or having some adult come up to me and offer to help me with a wagon-full of newspapers. Though I was not specifically “taught” to be wary of strangers, I quickly drew conclusions between people who are likely to f*ck you over and those who would do you harm to the kind of relationship you had with them. A kid at school invites me to a party? Thanks, but no thanks homeboy, I saw “Carrie” and since I am not telekinetic, I won’t be getting my payback in a flaming pyre. And for an adult to approach me, seeing me as a newspaper boy..? Look, I am delivering reading material covering the Atlanta and Oakland County disappearances, and I CAN READ. You get out of that car mister, and I am going to bust your n*ts, AT LEAST!!
But those are obvious (at least to me they are among the “obvious”) situations to avoid. As is the one where someone has taken your trust and badly bruised, if not damaged it. And when people find themselves hung up over someone to the point where they can’t let go, as I was over Tee Jay (and may be over Nebraska?!? Nah, but it would add a level of intrigue and drama to this blog, would it not??), still, if you have a rule and you cannot stick with it, you deserve what you get. And with such a high fail rate, I have no sympathy for those who are bound to bad relationship and continually find themselves facing the same or similar questions at the end of their boy/girl/husband/wife thingy.
So I like the song because it makes me think of how I feel about those who lay claim to being“this” or “that”, and why my choice of not wanting a lot of people to be involved in my life besides those who are in it for a express purpose or reason. Failing a reason (if a man has a how…) for a person to be in my life (my case worker with Ollie Webb went the extra mile for sure!! A perfect example of a purposed person in my life) why should they be in them with me? This was not a post-injury thing, but something that I wanted for my life. After all, people were only pretending to like me… otherwise, they would invest, right??
Anywho… I am out of gas and my homework is calling me… sorry about the coherency, as I feel I sort of started to wander off path and I am being pulled by my future… besides, I can’t keep sad, mournful thought in when everything else is going so well for me. It is hard but hard work and applied faith, according to Napoleon Hill, is the surest way to find success. So I am getting back to work and walking the path!!