Saturday, September 22, 2012

MORE DIZZYING SAMENESS OF DISCUSSION


TACTICAL

I am not doing well in school.  The new job has really drained me and I have been REALLY STRUGGLING with my school work.  Still, I am positive and hopeful, and steps are being taken to get things back to level at the very least.

It is difficult for me to sit down and make direct comments about things that challenge me, not because I don’t want to seem like I am wanting pity or anything, but because I have always believed, prior to diagnosis, that if you have time to sit and be so cognizant to think about all the crap that is acting as a “drag coefficient” then you have not committed enough of yourself to finding a solution to your problems.  That is why I diffuse a lot of my issues through generalization, because I am not journaling publicly for sympathy.  Most of the people who I admire, and who face their different impairments and challenges with nobility that I aspire to, have don’t either.  So if it seems that the essence of the comment still bugs me, it does. 

For instance, I don’t puff up what I have done in my life.  I simply acknowledge that I have lived a full life and “been there and done that” when it comes to experiencing what I wanted our of life.  One of the things that I have had enough of has been relations with women who feel as though they are owed something because of the perpetual victimization that some women cling to and unintentionally complicate their relationships with me.

A lot of times I skip details on where I draw my thoughts from because I have already lived it and confirmed my opinion in observations and experience.  As far as if a generalization lands where someone lives… can’t say that I care, really, because I would make the same statement IRL and be willing to discuss the boundaries as I am doing here in my journal with you, face-to-face, if “whoever” is willing to have that conversation.

Being so anxious to be with someone, I married my starter wife and her boatload of issues and insecurities.  From thinking she was unattractive because she was “fat” and undesirable because she was an unwed Mother she also had a crappy attitude towards men.  It was not only an immaturity about her, but something that was for the time, an accepted view of African-American men.  From Oprah, music and in popular books (or has Terry McMillan been forgotten that easily… let’s hope that both the “Twilight” and the “…of Grey” authoresses go away as quietly as well!), brother’s were getting it from all sides and RIGHTFULLY SO. 

BUT, I DO NOT GIVE A F*CK what your last man did, or the man before that, or what your Father did to you Mother.  I just don’t.  Not because I am heartless but because I do understand and empathize with the plight of the sisterhood.  And I am able to empathize IN SPITE OF the attitudes (cause you DO need food to eat up!!) and insults that I have had to smile my way through for much of my adolescence and young adult years.  Sure, I generalize because while many of the Single Mother’s Club members don’t share the same fail traits to the same degree as, say, my starter wife or Mookie Dee, enough of ‘em do share these traits nonetheless.  I generalize so that I can further diffuse the toxin of the negative venom that they carry.

By the same token I understand how I am also representative on the surface of a lot of “alley cats” who go around life simply going around.  But just I did not get what more my starter wife could have expected of a cat when we met, and I cannot fathom why Mookie Dee made her decision which I interpret as being unwilling to merge forces and deal with things like sisters and women in general, as kind of expected to be with their “loved one”.  Now with Mookie Dee, the whole sleeping around thing was what it was.  She had a little of the tramp/whore in her when she was in her teens, as she enjoyed bangin’ other girls boyfriends.  Leaving her the first time was pretty easy, but it was simply a no-brainer the second time.

So, have you made your decision yet?  Have you decided if you are going to be one of those crappy, single women at the bar swirling their drink saying in a smoked-out voice, “Yeah, I used to try to be in a relationship… tough racket,” before they throw back a shot of Jimmy Beam?  I want to know, “HAVE YOU MADE YOUR DECISION FOR CHRIST!!”  Again, not to offend but I am asking because whether or not you know it, your decision is THAT IMPORTANT.  Are you going to change your thinking, which will change your behavior, and from those changes you can subsequently change the results you have in your love life?

And why I don’t care that you feel you have to “take care of this… make sure of that..?”  Because if your processing has served to produce an approval when it comes to OUR relationship, there is no more “you have to”, just as there is no longer an “I have to”.  Going on the “expectation of desired results bring about ‘desired results’ “, the pronouns should change and become “we”.  If you consciously choose not to evolve to that point, then like the Neanderthal, you have to welcome your fate.

BECAUSE MY MARGINS ARE SO THIN…

…and are NOT INFLUENCED from my injury…

With both my starter and Mookie Dee, I knew that I was flying through the trench of life and depending on “the Force” to land my shot.  And I again ask, because jumping around the country and trusting on something thinner than cheese-cloth to support decision that weigh as much as Chuck D’s Uzi (itweighs a ton), for someone to be indecisive is…

…expected.  My SFC notwithstanding, I rarely expect someone to join me out in the forbidden zone and really letting their faith work through their choices.  Flaws, faults, I have them in spades.  But you know what else I have in even greater numbers?  I am filled kindness and thoughtfulness.  I am hardworking and determined, not to mention supportive.  Dare I say that most, if not all, of the things that your ex-whatever was?  Can you trust me with your children… your feelings… your secrets..?  Of course I am going to say “yes” but not only that, I will make it my goal to reaffirm that I am all that and more.

AND WHAT DO YOU DO..?

So other than what I have told you about myself (and from which I think you would be able to intuit certain things about our relationship), what IS what about my now official girlfriend and myself.  What about “us”?  Well first thing is, how close we came to NOT being a couple.

I guess she liked one of her exes a lot when they first met and they went through some DRAMA.  Finding out about it really broke my heart, because in all the mess I talk (or should I say “have talked”… most of my mea culpa about me and women were made when I was still having “stifled Friday nights”).  But in the tradition of Anton Chigurh, “ …of what use was the rule?” that I was following if obeying it still brought me to where me and Princess were at in our relationship?

There are only so many things that are exclusive to any human being.  I mean, do anyone really think that I am the only adult who eats the heck out of a Butterfinger® candy bar??  It was the second reference to that kind of “things-in-common-with-He-who-will-not-be-named” (their reference, not mine).  Now if I think that frequent comparisons and finding of and noting shared traits with a person who is said to have brought so much discomfort and unhappiness in your lives is an ominous sign, then my indebtedness goes from “all of us” to just “me”.  Because evidently, unlike me, you don’t see making such comments as asking the universe to sh*t on whatever our relationship could be.  And it is not like there are things that my starter wife has done or claim made that I could relate to a Mookie Dee, and makes an “innocuously inane” statement as she shared with her eldest son about me.  But I did not and I do not, because if I do, then there HAS to be a consequence, right?  Otherwise, “of what use was the rule?”  What made the difference was that part of her opening statement were the inclusion of the words, “Let me talk, there is something that I have to tell you.”  Because had she let me speak first, I would have told her what the “inside joke” she shared with her son meant to me, and that I had to, by rule, terminate our relationship.

FALLING FORWARD FOR THE EXTRA YARD

If any has ever, now or in any other incarnation of this life labeled “Mark Johnson” ever wonders why our friendship or relationship has met what they feel is an untimely end, it usually has something to do with the faith/trust portion of the relationship.  While I can still like and care for people who do not like me or have no intention or desire to make a positive impact on my life, when it comes to trusting a person, or having faith that I can count on a person, usually that is a mark that can never be erased nor eased into irrelevancy.  My margins… if I cannot count on you to be available when “whenever” arrives, and it is a small “whenever”, then I will not have any use for you in my life.

I may not have “a particular set of skills” a la BryanMills, but I do have a bag o’ tricks to fall back on and that have brought me a “particular set of results”.  But because of the slim margins I have in my life and always have worked with, there are certain things that I can absolutely not tolerate. 

So I don’t.

I think that I am done with this segment of the continuing discussion on “stuff” for a long time.  Other things concern me… and I have to rally around the family (with a pocket-full of shells) so if I can earn another break and visit around the blogs, I will do so.  But right now, I am so tired, just so tired… and I am feeling particularly sick and ill today…

5 comments:

mrs.missalaineus said...

i tutored someone over skype this summer- email me, maybe we can work something out to get you some feedback or study assistance-

xxalainaxx

Ken Riches said...

I know how you feel regarding the trust thing, that is a deal breaker in my book.

Reggie said...

I give you props for being so honest in your post.

I have had a BS degree for 25 years now and the reality is that I'm just too lazy to go back and get my MBA........nope, not gonna happen. I applaud you for working and going to school at the same time.

As far as your starter wife is concerned, all baggage isn't carry on; but while we may be understanding as a significant other, we can't solve the worlds problems or take one for the team where someone else's foibles are concerned. It's hard enough being responsible for everything we do, much less what some other man did.

LceeL said...

I hope you're feeling better by now - emotionally AND physically. And you're right - the one thing that will bust a relationship, no matter how much Love there may be at the top of it - is a lack of Trust under it. It's the foundation - and you can't build a strong house on sand.

Beth said...

Hang tough, my friend. Give yourself some time to de-stress and make sure you get enough rest. It sounds like your fatigue is really weighing on you, and addressing that can really make a difference. L&R!