Monday, September 17, 2012



Once you have made your investment in me a substantial one, as with any shareholder/investor meeting you get voting shares and influence the direction that I go in, along with and including, our relationship.  So when things tank, it is not all about me and the fail as it is US and the fail.

Speaking objectively, the situation the I was in with my starter wife is like a very small percentage of what happens with men and women, as you never hear too much about cuckolded men anymore.  Not that they are not in existence just that the conversation has turn and men in general have been demonized.  And there was a time that I was among those who found the fault in how men conducted themselves in relationships.

Before and after my junior girls came along, I would make regular trips up either I-77 or I-95 to be in some way attached the Skye.  There was never any complaints about what I felt that I had to do because I not only was aware of the hulking responsibility of being a parent, but I also felt uncomfortable having to be associate with “that guy”.  You know, “that guy seems sketchy because he left his wife and children,” and man, that bothered me for a time.  Until I remember the humiliation and danger I felt when I was with my starter Wife, then I got over it.  But the reckless behavior that was responsible for KT and Lexxie’s birth was over the top for me.  So I made my decision to scrap bangin’ around and to settle down and try to be a better parent.  Still, I had to get over the sense of fail that I had about myself as a person.

There is no real excuse, IMO, to become a party to something that you have already determined is wrong, be it morally or simply because of your own personal convictions.  KT and Lexxie were signs that I had lost my way and that I really needed to find where I was going.  So when I plotted the strategic decision to return to the Motor, it was with the intention of being a better parent.  At the time, Nixxie and Pecan Sandie were both as understanding as you could expect and I was able to for several years keep up with my end of the bargain, visiting the my girls a couple of times each year and with Pecan Sandie being bold and forward enough to bring Lexxie to the Motor a time or two (in fact, even when I was involved with Tee Jay and Mookie Dee, more on that later).  Things were not optimal but they were what they were.

So from here I will gloss over Tee Jay’s time in my life, but only because the whole “I was not looking for it but what I was not looking for found me thing” does not fit the trending and will likely come up at another time.  But as with her, AKA, Nebraska, Mookie Dee, and SD also were informed of my “what’s what”, in a fashion that was as objective as I could be.  And this is part of the reason that maybe there is some ill will in my journal towards some women, because I do not feel like paying for your mistake with some other cat.  I can tell you a lot of “stuff” about me, not with the intention of deluding you but so I can also have a chance to “get it right”.  The whole “is anyone ever going to love me” thing was settled back in my nerdling years, so I can’t say that I have ever felt a burning need for a relationship at all.  They all sort of “happen” and I try to gauge if it is meant to be a part of my life as much as I would hope that they want me to be a part of theirs.

Another reason I seem harsh towards women recently, is that hey, if you have children and you are THAT concerned with the men you are involved with, then perhaps, I am just saying, you should not get involved with men.  See, I think that if you are the kind of woman who loses her sense of balance between her relationship with her children and that with her “whatever”, then she not only has problems with prioritizing her life, but she also has a problem in CHOOSING HER MEN.  And that is NOT my fault.

While it is bad enough that I shared it on Face Book (I say that because I don’t want an online image search to turn up my journal, so I am not going to post the picture here), the picture that I took with Princess and her two youngest boys to me said it all.  I was sitting there, stuffed from my meal, and along side of me were two boys mugging as the picture was taken.  I don’t know about you, but I don’t think that boys are going to purposely photobomb your picture unless they have a lot of affection for you (hey, that is one of the weird things about male bonding that makes crap like “Men are from Mars …” seem so sensible when it really does as much harm as it does good).  My thing is, “what could make them feel that way?”  Young children and housepets have this in common… that act on what they sense.  If these boys thought I was a crap human being, then they would not be able to feel the way they do around me.  And that is not something I am unfamiliar with.

From my starter wife’s oldest daughter, BJ, (who sweetly asked if she could change her last name to mine), to A-squared (Tee Jay’s girl), Lil’ Mook, and now the Princess’ two younger boys, I guess I am “good with kids”.  No big deal to me, because that IS how it is supposed to work, but I get a little annoyed when I have to listen to a woman tell me about their child(ren) and how they need to look out for them when trying to establish a relationship.  I truly believe that if you are that concerned that you are that shallowly rooted that a relationship would rip you from where you stand, and then don’t date.  Raise your kids and be about that, then.  BUT, if you are going to invite a relationship into your life, I don’t think you should be guided by your fears.  I mean, if someone has your attention and your interest (which should also include a willingness to invest), then you should make your decision and take action.

Action.  Yeah, I have been very irresponsible with some of the choices I have made.  Were both Nixxie and Pecan Sandie BOTH as irresponsible as I was??  Who is to say, other than the three of us really have tried to make things as good as possible for our children and that is that.

There are some women who lose themselves in relationships also worry about being “used” by the men that they meet.  While I do enjoy “the sexy time” and with “bells and whistles”, other than that, there is nothing I would “want” other than someone’s love.  I am hard to buy for only in that I get what I want on my own.  If you ask me could you purchase a gift for me and give you permission, then come with EXACTLY what I have asked for.  My first X-mas in Omaha really was cool because I got EXACTLY what I had asked for.  Nothing special, TV tables and griddle was among the gifts, but it blew my mind at the time and really increased the attachment I was holding onto with Nebraska.  See, if I want an Xbox, fancy sneakers or trendy clothes, you know who gets them?  Me, that’s who!!  And if you are with a cat who requires such purchases within the framework of being in a relationship with you, that again, is not my fault. 

And I cannot help but think about how few a f*cks I give about what your last man did.  After my starter wife and tried to get into one another, I quickly began to tire of hearing about BJ’s father and this cat “Billy” (no, notTHAT Billy!!) all the while I was “allegedly” her new man.  That experience served as an object lesson, a sign of someone who is a figment of their own imagination.


The only time I recall comparing Tee Jay with my starter wife was when I was getting ready to tell her that we were through.  At that time, the comparison was valid because she was getting ready to be my ex.  History has judged both that decision and the rationale behind it (it was a personal version of “Iraq having weapons of mass destruction” in justifying why I did what I did) to have been specious at best, epically and Tea Bag Santorum stupid at worst.  But in qualifying that, I find that when you find yourself making “my ex” comments in a NEW relationship, then that new relationship is more than likely going to run aground.

One of the things that I think when I hear “bad ex” stories is that there are a lot of unresolved PERSONAL ISSUES without involving the ex.  So good or bad comparisons are FAIL, and grounds enough for me to terminate our relationship.  That is why I coerced a decision out of my girlfriend about our “you and me” because the second time is when there has to be a consequence.  Now along with crap comparison, you also have to have consequences for when a fail behavior is repeated.  If not, you are setting yourself up for a reoccurrence of the same sh*tty behavior for a long time in, if not the length of, your relationship.

1 comment:

FrankandMary said...

Some relationships are just unmitigated busts, & both parties wind up with battered self-images.

But in life you are undeterred. ~Mary