ANIXOUS

EXICTED, DONTCHA KNOW!

Gonna get up early tomorrow ... (man, THAT is redundant ..! ) and get set up to watch the Rose Bowl game between USC and Penn State. Gotta pull for the Nittnay Lions ...



I don't know how I stumbled across this video ... been watching it for most of the year. Found out that the young lady, Yelle, did have some MTV success. The grouping always put me in the mind of my three ladies ... you could add one, because they do have a step sister.

Seems like they are having fun ... which is cool. Have 'caught' some of the language, as I hammered thru four years of francais in high school. I think it is rather randy, the subject matter, no worse than what is heard on American pop radio.

I think what I had wanted to establish in my little venting about my ex and my oldest girl, is that I KNOW I am willing to sublimate in order for the relationship to rise. I mentioned someone at or near the house we lived in as a family had a case of the hemmorroids. The point I hoped to have made is that for the sake of the relationship, what ever needed to be done, got done.

For two years, because she didn't think 'it' was going to happen, and we (meaning people who were interested in making me a fighter), could not get her to understand what was going on, I stopped boxing. But, because I did so willingly, for the sake of our relationship and our family, it was no big whoop.

Of all the things I have guilt about, that relationship is one that I don't have that much about. I KNOW what I did, and just like with the Mook's, I do think that I showed up as best as I could have. Period. There are some things that you should not have to ask your partner, housemate, lover, better half, what ever you want to call that person, for.

I could make a case, but I am comfortable with what I did when we were together. I think she bad mouthed me, because SHE WASN'T as comfortable with her actions in the marriage. I wanted to mention my feelings, because in '09, I will be acting on my goals, and having to carry crap regarding her is not one of them.

Same has held for Mookie. I don't need to 'reflect' on her, and while I have thought about lil' Mook more than once, I can't let that consume me. My assignment has came down, and I am no longer a part of her chain of command.

Hell, I don't even think there is anything ugly about it. IS IS WHAT IT IS.

THE WEEKEND ...

... it ain't nothin' but another two days that a brother act crazy on and then it's gone ...

Trying to tell myself that there is nothing wrong with doing nothing. The only reason I can come up with to explain why I am fidgety, is that I would love to be looking into Nebraska's eyes as the clock struck twelve ...

...maybe I will, someday!

Everyon have a very happy New Year!

IF SHE HAD JUST MADE BREAKFAST

AND THAT SAYS IT ALL, TOO

Sometimes, trying to connect with my marital daughter is such a trial. Most of what is between us has been put there, and I am going to say it, by her Mother. Enough people have told me that she has done the typical custodial parent bad mouth thing, and that has festered in our Skye.

I never say much about her Mom. Do 'pick' at her when we are together, goad her just a little. She has to reign herself in because she doesn't want to look like what she really is. I have never told her my side of things, as she has been too young to have understood. Some time in '09, I will have to give her my version of 'what's what'. Don't know for certain why my ex messed over her last marriage. Do have a clue, but I will ask her to confirm it. Needless to say, I think even if we had made a 'safe and stable home', with this secret of hers looming, I would have done the same thing as her 2nd, and left her right where she was.

Today, it hit me as it does on infrequent occasions, that had she made me breakfast, it would have made for a big step towards us having a shot at being married. I haven't been able to keep to my log in at the start of most days, but I have always ever got up at or near the sunrise. And I am also a firm believer in getting a good breakfast in, before you walk out the door.

It would pain me greatly, to watch the Mook's scatter out of the house, half fed. Que sera. You want to lose weight, eat a real breakfast! Not to mix stuff up, this is about breakfast and my first marriage. This was one of MANY 'dead canaries' in our relationship.

SEE, IT IS LIKE THIS

I 'married' into a family. She has a daughter from another relationship, which was no worries for me. Being the oldest of five, I just let my step daughter be an 'add on' to my twin sisters and we hung out after work/school. We had long days, between me and Mom getting to our jobs, day care, school and training, all on one car, often (it was hers,and that is that about that) with our days beginning early and ending at home in the evenings, around 7 or 8 o'clock after I finished training.

This would mean that many days, we would get a late dinner. Now, I don't know about you, but while I eat junk, I don't 'snack'. When it is time for lunch, it is time for lunch, dinner, et. cetera.

Because of our schedules, I had to make sure I got up extra early to do my roadwork. Since we had to get things in gear, I would splash in the shower, get out and get the baby ready, while she got herself pulled together. After a few months, I sat her down and told her that I could miss dinner, but I needed to eat a decent breakfast, not a bowl of cold cereal. I explained to her how it affected me, and why that would be the most important thing she could do for me.

She couldn't find it in her to do it.

I think about that, because Celeste went through the program at Ft. Campbell, where you get to experience what it takes to go thru Air Assault school. If she is reading, I hope she doesn't mind me making this reference, because I thought that she took the extra step to make that identification with her partner ... which is so cool.

My thing is, I didn't understand at the time, why it was so difficult for her to scamble some eggs and fry some bacon for someone she was supposed to be in love with? I mean, I put up with a lot of her 'less than' qualities, even some of the 'teeth bringing' kinds of stuff that I did for her (before I got married, I had no idea of how you treat hemmorids ... suffice to say, I do NOW!), and we never had a problem with me being a 'parent' to her girl.

Having to work, train, and parent, I could have used a little something to help me be me. The way she acted, she took my efforts for granted, like they did not count, always moaning about how 'tired' she was. Not saying that she wasn't, but hey, I was rowing in that boat too ...

THIS SPRING

When I talk to Skye, I am going to tell her that many of the things she has been led to believe aren't true. I am going to flat tell her that she can make her choice ... she knows that me and her sisters are wanting to bond, and I will again look her in the eye and let her know that I love her. But I am not, NOT going to let her Mother get off scott free. Wherever I end up, if she ends up embittered towards me, then her Mom can deal with it.

Right or wrong, she is a teenager and can make a more informed choice than she did as a child. If her Mom has poisioned the well to the extent that I think she has, can't do any more than that. Period.

AREN'T YOU EXCITED ..?

FINISH STRONG

Been running everyday, doing some exercises 'n stuff. Better you start, the better you will finish. I read somewhere that runners who start out fast, tend to finish fast in races of 1500m or more. But if you haven't ever ran before, or you have let yourself fade into walking, you prolly don't know what to expect when you DO decide to put in that effort.

What is going to happen after the initial rush, is that you are going to want to fade. Your body is going to tell you that, 'hey, you just had a burst, you need to take a break'. BUT what you are going to tell your body is that you are going to keep moving, no matter what.

What did Marcellus tell Butch? "That's just pride, effin' with you. Fight through that!" And really, that is what you do.

OKAY, OKAY...

Sure that readers, especially anyone who has read more than two entries know that I am about facing my fears. And that is what this journey has been for me. Dealing with one's past loves, was for me, a new experience. Most women live in the vacuum created by crappy songs and media manipulated expectations in relationships. THAT'S why once I had been 'broke' from someone, it may as well as been like we never met, because I would not call them.

How do I know that it took me 4 years to finally get over Tee Jay? Because I wrote letters, never mailed, until I could stop thinking about her. Sure, it was my mistake, and when we did our dinner, she asked why I never let her know ...

There were two, and only two reasons. The first was that while I may have been wrong, I thought at the time that I was making the best choice, difficult though it may have been. As to 'hasslin' her, as she moved on ... I really loved her, and thought that the best thing for me was to be grateful for what we had, and to celebrate her new life, her happiness.

Never dealt with all that icky 'love triangle' thing (one incident ... may NEVER go over that ... quit being so voyeuristic!). At the start of our relationship, she said she was tired of being on that merry go round. If she was still willing to ride it, it would have had to be without me.

I would write the letters, to deal with the feelings that I still had for her. The notion, the idea, the PRINCIPLE I held regarding that situation was sound, and it would be what I would tell others ... do whatever it takes NOT to do what you think would be the worst thing, no matter how strong it pulls on you.

Spent hours writing those letters. Because I KNEW it was better to be true to what I believed in, than to find a reason to give in. How many times, had I watched people act out of what they set as their boundaries? Though mine are pretty fluid, this happened to be at one of the few 'posts' that I have.

FINDING MYSELF

That is what I think is happening. Being willing to struggle with my 'new normal', and making a life for me, all the things that I am encountering on my trip ... setting me up for my 'something special'.

Sorry if this is sort of a ramble ... I can't wait for the New Year to start, and I get to work on building the life I want for me. It has been a good while since I have felt this ... this GOOD!

I can hardly contain myself, to be perfectly honest. Glad to be where I am 'from', grateful for the people who read and let me read what is what for them ... glad that I have positive things to look forward to.

SPEAKING OF TEE JAY

Did speak to her the other day. Felt more like her 'girlfriend', listening to her talk. I didn't know what to say ...

THE TIME OF TIMELESSNESS

CAN'T EVER REMEMBER ...

Sometimes, being on 'the outside' looking in at life, isn't that cool. Being on the fringes, in an elliptic orbit between the cliques growing up, leads to a lot of 'alone time'. I grew up adjusting to not having groups and buddies, so that I is part of why I raced away from cameras. I didn't want to BE remembered.

I have told myself that it was alright ... that this had to be SOMEONES burden, and it, like most hero stuff, had fallen to me. Rightly or wrongly, I have adjusted to not being among a large group of people. Even now, my cell phone rarely rings. When AKA and I was 'out', I could go DAYS without getting a phone call.

But when I say 'no worries', I mean EXACTLY that. It has been too darn long for anyone to 'jinx' me with 'aw Mark' about that. I don't pity myself ... for ME to do that, is to be in denial about what I have done, and owning up to what I have brought upon myself.

Do I ask 'why?' I don't have that special person that I want? I try not to, but when I do ...

... I know the answer.

WHAT IS GOING TO BE SPECIAL ABOUT '09

See, the thing is, I have always thought that change begins the moment change is decided upon. But back in May, when I made my 'break' for it, I had a special feeling about the next year. Looking at the calendar, I would finally 'synch up' with the rest of the world, and when folks are making 'pledges' and 'resolving' stuff in their lives, I will be doing the same thing. I am plotting and setting a course with groups of other folks, who want to heal, who want to fix broken lives. They are hoping and saying that they are going to face the darkness, to fight the fight that they need to, in order to start living the lives that they have hoped for.

I 'tea leaf' my life, and try to read things. The three people that I have rediscovered, reminded me that at one time of my life, I was among a group of 'get after it' people ... and their success is a sign of hope for me, because THEY are a measure of the kind of person that I AM.

And like the cat from my neighborhood that I couldn't beat as a kid, they mentioned events we shared that were great times, for real. They had me remembering that I still had in me so much more ... and that is what I am going to hang onto.

I have been on the edges ... this time, I am starting in the pack with everyone else that is running this marathon, maybe for the first time ever? I will be trying to get things 'set' with everyone else, and that is a good thing for me. See, I feel that I have the experience of having flown high before. While I did come back crashing down, I never stopped believing that I could fly. Connecting with my friends, is a sign too, that things are looking up for me. The song 'Wind Beneath My Wings' fits, as corny as it sounds. But don't let that fool you, because it is true.

NEVER ... NOT ONCE ...

... when I got the message that it wasn't going to be thru boxing, I just stopped. No muss, no fuss. I miss it, but it is my own way that 'boots on the ground' would let you understand that it is no big whoop. The reason being, is that there MUST BE something else that I am set up to do.

My dreams are still there, waiting for me to live them. I want to be happy, and I want to be fulfilled. But sometimes, it is being on the road, is the goal. Once you are on that, it doesn't matter how many times you start over, because the ROAD is the GOAL. So if you need to start over, do so, and begin your work again.

Haven't let go of my dreams. This is not to say that they haven't 'grown' with me, and are different. As I said with my picture, I still see myself as 16, being a thick, squat cat, as I do now. The scale says one thing, my mind says another.

My point being, is that my dreams still look as special and as amazing to me, as they did when I thought I was going to be 'heavyweight champion of the known universe'!

I am enjoying being with my Dad, and looking forward to my two big 'away trips', one to Georgia to see Lexxie and the other a recon mission to Nebraska. The only long range thought in my head, is a summer time trip to see KT for a change.

And that is it. The only thing I feel comfortable with speaking into being, is my desire to somehow work in the schools ... from a 'Frazz' like school engineer, a teacher's aide, or somehow, A TEACHER, is with finding a special person, part of what should be on my path that I am walking along.

One reason that I have thought people break their resolutions, is that they don't make them important enough to them. Some of the resolutions have nothing to them ... people say things without any 'kenning', and therefore, they fall apart when the wind blows.

When stuff comes out of my mouth, it becomes SOMETHING. As I start off, I keep in mind that I am never more ready to do this, than right now, and I have never been more ready, ever. Not to get all 'high falutin' about things, but I do think that I have been tested and prepared to deal with most anything that life has to offer, and I have what it takes, not out of wishful thinking, but out of having DONE things.

FACING YOUR FEARS

Talk about that later gator! My hands are sore!

A HOT MESS

MAN, DOESN'T HE LOOK FAT TO YOU?

Me and my lil' red bike. One of my 'nephews' had his digital camera out this morning and I had him take this bad picture.

This is 227. As chubby as I am here, I can NOT believe what I looked like at 240 ...

No one has ever told me that I was 'fat' and I understand that I am not subjectively fat. But I am BMI standard overweight, and I do wonder what I would look like at 180 ... had I taken pictures of myself when I was a kid ... the couple that I have, I still look as fat to me then, as I do now.

That, is just me. If I had a couple of inches, I think that would be cool. I imagine myself to be 'Holyfield-like' at 6'1 or 6'2. But at 5'11 ... eh, I get Tyson a lot.

One of my problems is buying suits. I onle ever had one tailor made, which long ago was donated. Getting thing off the rack used to be a challenge, because a 46 coat wasn't matched with a 34 waist. I am a little thicker, so I am looking forward to picking up a suit or two.

BEAUTY QUEEN

That is KT. She won 1st runner up in a pre-teen pageant! Man, I miss not being there for THAT! Extra incentive to watch Miss 'Whatever' when it comes on (suprise, suprise ... I like pageants!)

Sometimes ... ah, never mind. I deal. Glad for the relationship that we do have. That Nixxie and KT let me in their lives' so I can be proud of her is fantastic!

FACEBOOK

Found THREE old, old friends, each for unique and great times in my life. My Yalie friend, when I thought I could go to school in NY and we get a place together in between and commute (man, you think of some stuff when you're young, don't you? Did get accepted to CCNY ... but anyway). Went to jr. high and high school together. Great, great guy. Married, two beautiful girls. Can't wait to catch up.

Found my FIRST online girl friend, a girlie a chatted up in one of the 'ruts' I was in. She was a English lass who went to school in the States, in BOZEMAN. I have always thought it was funny how I run into good people from the same place... kind of like the cat I beat up in Iowa being from Nebraska.

Found the 'Russ' in my story! He sent something asking if I was the same Mark Johnson who won the Tough Man contest. I knew who he was, because of the picture of his beloved '64 Bug! Good times!

AS TO THE STORY

to be honest, I am surprised that I can write as much of it as I can. It is a composite of people in my life, and while I am not being 'exact', taking poetic license with the story, the feelings of those moments as still as fresh as if they just happened to me. But I will get done ... it is almost at a end.

Nebraska has said that she doesn't read me ... interesting. Thinks I get to wordy, and that is something I will admit to. Have been doing more 'analog writing' as well, to help keep my thoughts clear, and my heart full ... and as we all know, clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose!

Hope y'all are doing well and feeling fine! Jeez, cause I would hate to be sitting here smiling for no good reason, feeling good because I can feel, alone!

Friday Night, Saturday Morning

LIKE SNOOP DOG SAID ...


... laid back (with my mind on my money and my money on my mind!)

Today's song, by the Nick Drake-ish Noreweign duo, 'The Kings of Convenience does more than sound like me ... the live performance here on the Carson Daly show (uh, Butthead was right ... Carson IS a tool!) is like my gestalt on display.

The lead singer, is unaffected by his resemblance to Napoleon Dynamite. In fact, like Nappy, part of his charm is that he lacks the self consciousness. He steps up, does his little dance ... and you can't tell me that the girl with the glasses isn't so excited that he 'dances' with her, that it fills out the mood of the song.

I sometimes wonder about getting together a mix cd, or playlist together of some 'chill out' stuff. And I wonder what kind of evening I would have with a special someone ...

...like Nebraska.

THOUGHT ABOUT IT, THEN THOUGHT AGAIN

Some things won't get 'caught up' on. Like with AKA. She was surprised when she called me a couple of weeks ago, that I really did not call her for 6 weeks. We are cool enough, but not what we were before we fell out. Don't expect it to be much better, either. Anywho (oh, and I purposely 'Anywho' btw) ...

SIMPLE, BUT NOT TOO SIMPLE

Nebraska wants to know 'how'. She wants to know 'why'. I look for answers, but I can't provide her with any that makes sense to her. Don't know if they would make sense to anyone else, either.

For me, it is MY WAY. Period. She doesn't know 'how' I can feel the way that I do about her. Jeez, I BARELY know how it is that I came to feel this way about her. The things that drew me to her, are gossamer ... something barely there that I 'felt' about her, since I only had seen her in a long ago picture once. Yet that was enough for me, that one time.

I can't even recall what brought us up on one anothers radar ... what kind of random post on some message board that caught her attention. Whatever it was, somehow, it came to us actually chatting and I was 'struck' (infected ... take yr pick!) and I made a space for her in my heart. Not because I wanted to, you see, but I got a 'suggestion' that keeping her in my life was a good idea. So I have.

When we 'talk', it is all I can do to contain the excitement I get reading what she says ... words have always been a key for me, unlocking the deeper personality within a person. A phrase, a sentence with a description that I had thought was locked in my mind alone, comes out when she does write me, unbidden. I don't know what else I am supposed to think ... it is the opposite of what happened with my ex wife ... the only sign that I got and that I blew thru was 'stop'!

We have some differences, in personality, in expectations, in our hopes. That is fine, fine, fine. Because if she could love me, then our love would pull us through whatever else. I think this, because I just believe that it would, that it does that for happy relationships ... evidence of love doing that is all around us. I don't think that love 'can't', as much as we don't let love do what it does.

WINNING ISN'T FUN

But you can enjoy to win. And when you enjoy winning, you come to understand that it takes a lot of work to make victory happen. That is why it isn't 'fun', because what we understand fun to be, is sometimes the opposite of 'winning'.

What would it take to make 'our' relationship work? Can't really call it, only that I believe that the elements are all around us, and if we are willing to do what it takes, we can have something special.

Maybe she needs to know 'why'? I should tell her to look in the mirror, and tell me what she sees. I felt her personality before I saw her ... when I met her, I was able to put the person with the feelings. And because she is in the land of corn, cattle and Minuteman missile silos (hey, 'The Day After' ran on the Sci Fi network this week!), and not at the Twelve Oaks Mall, that means I have to do what I have to do!

WORRIES

Want to know what I worry about most, in all this? I worry about whether or not SHE can deal with the parameters of a friendship with me, once I am cross town.

My thing isn't JUST her, but for real, NEBRASKA. Just like I was drawn to Carolina, and wonder what would have happened if I stayed in Arizona after getting a decent payday in Phoenix, something in Nebraska calls to ME. She is the cherry on top, and for me, a dream come true.

I talk the way I do, not without knowing how dreams many times, don't come true, but believing that if you stop dreaming, they will NEVER come true. So I take your dare Mr. Hughes, and I display my dreams in the sun. Let's see what happens.

My dreams aren't supposed to impede the dreams of others. If she can't include me in that part of wants that I want to be in, then I don't want to be there. The POINT of me moving is to be where I am supposed to be. Period.

When it comes to that, I am sure that something is going to happen ... and she will always have a place in my life. She has the 'pay grade' to factor and comment on me and my ways ... but there is only one way for her to get the promotion points to make it to General grade, and she can tell me what's what...

My point being, I don't want her to get the impression that because I don't knock myself out trying to win her over, that I don't want to be with her. She'll have to be the one that says, 'You know what Mark ... you aren't so 'fluffy' and peculiar after all! Let's play and win that game!'

I go out and try to 'manifest' in a person's life ... but if they don't invite me in, then that is that. Thing about the cat in the movie 'Love in the Time of Cholera', is that he chose to keep his heart available to his true love. When fate interceded, he carried on.

So will I. And that is why for all the 'daisy's and butterflies' in my heart, what I count on the most and expect, is her good friendship. And I rambled on about this, because for whatever reason, this has been a month where she has riveted my attention ...

... and filling gaps in my heart.

Random Stuff

NOT ONLY IS THIS LONG ...

But it comes with a 'content warning', because hey, I am a guy and being that, I think 'guy thoughts'!

ON WITH THE SHOW

There are hearts lying open, and mine is one of them. Yet, I am going have to say that my 'reformation' is a HUGE advantage to me. Being on 'the other end' of this and having made others live through it, helps me out BIG TIME.

There hasn't been much Mookie talk, because when I began to first have my questions to the viability of our relationship, I started to 'miss' her. Miss watching her dress, catching her smile. I started to miss the subtle hints of red in her complexion, watching her dress and transform into the woman that I loved...

... I spent good, quality time with lil' Mook, talking and sharing. Helping her with her homework and negotiation through her social circle, laughing and joking. I can't help but think there would be more of me in her ... especially now. We have some common interests, and I think I made a fine contrast to the other influences in her life ...

... yeah, I want to be something in a child's life. Not taking my role in my daughter's life for granted, but ... if you are in the neighborhood, you know what I am getting at.

One of the 'unknown common things' between Nebraska and I, is that before Mookie and I got back together, the idea of being a 'big brother' entered my mind. She is involved with foster children ... so being her friend will add that desired dimension to my life, and put some 'maybe chips' in her mind about us.

MISDEMEANOR

One of the things that I have been 'looking for' is someone speaking frankly about their sex life. Not interested in the 'gymnastics' of it, but with some of the single folks, I am like, 'whaddya do?'

Me, I really think that I have had my fill, thank you very much, of the random, meaningless sex thing. Have NOT A DOUBT that I could get laid, by someone off my grid, you see. I think that I could walk out into the snow, and pull who and what I wanted. But I don't.

When I finally saw that I was leaving 'pieces' of myself with these women... and those pieces were being replaced by pieces of THE WOMEN, all their hopes and desires ... their fractured dreams, that perhaps with a sincere and true partner could be made, if not whole, functional enough to claim as good, the weight of it began to drag me down.

Now, I can still see Sandie's eyes, and hear the passion and anguish in her voice ... and from her, it happened with Tee Jay. Between those two relationships, I should have had been able to find my bliss. And this is not reflective of the OTHER great people I have been with, and screwed over in the recklessness of finding my way to here.

Between those last two though, I want to think that I 'got it', or I have gotten more of it. With Sandie, I was able to realize that I was still carrying scars from my marriage, and that they hadn't healed properly. She had some 'hottness' to her, but she was willing to work on it ... more important than just doing it for herself, she was willing to do it for me, for US.

Tee Jay, straight from Mumford High (you know, the school Axel Foley went to) said that she wanted something different and wanted to take that chance. And we had a good relationship. She said something at our dinner date that felt like an ice pick thru my heart ... that I was the best boyfriend she had in her life. Mind you, she was married, so you would think that he was maybe that before things went south.

But in her elaboration of that, she acknowledged that it was more of what 'he was to her, than she to him'. I was that guy that made her feel 'special'. I had hoped that was what I was doing ... but now after I had hurt her so, to find out that I had accomplished my goal, I was ... feeling like I did not deserve to find love. Again.

But I got up then and got after it. Now, opening up and 'formalization of a dialogue' with, I do wonder about what WILL be what.

WEIRD, HUH?

Because I am 'horny', I thought that I would be talking more explicitly about sex. But I guess that isn't what I am about. Having LITERALLY been around the world (though I do wish I had taken pictures ... will NEVER been in Monte Carlo again, young and single in Finland is not gonna happen either!), I have had my share of that kind of thing, for myself and several other people, to be sure.

Thing is, I NEVER WANTED THAT. I remember a high school girl that I wanted to run away to ... get this ... TEXAS with! Didn't know what we were going to do, how we were going to get by, but I did have a license, a couple of thousand dollars, and we both thought we had love ..! So romance has been what I have been looking for, not 'booty'. Which is why I think I carry so much of people with me. By nature, I am trying to get to know them, on a deeper level than horizontal.

I used to keep a little book o' stuff ... might revive it. Things about who ever was and what may be one day ... the little small things I notice about a person, or some spot to go to, maybe it will be special for us as well.

Keep a 'dating diary', so that when I meet that super special someone, they will see how much I doted on them, and the effort I put into our relationship ... like putting up with her family on holidays! Mind you, I am alone but NOT lonely! I will be cool after I finish this, and that is for real.

See, with both AKA (I will get to how she got back into the race soon enough!) and Tee Jay, I could call and talk and share with. But the awkwardness of 'getting separation' is what bothers me. Not to brag, but I am good company, like any good, friendly house cat. Tee Jay mother STILL likes me ... as does AKA's parents.

When I get my fill, I am going to want to go home ... and that is where the 'issues' begin.

DON'T GET ME WRONG

Wouldn't mind playing 'sleep away camp' with Tee Jay. But that is 'cost prohibitive' as well as perhaps emotionally risky. With AKA, it IS both, and there is another odd thing to that scenario, one which is why I thought there would be more 'pillow talk'.

Sex with her. I would rather not. Needless to say, SHE doesn't think it is bad, in fact, she has remarked that she thinks we 'fit'. And I am like 'how?' I am ALWAYS uncomfortable with her, for TOO MANY DAMN REASONS! It kind of reminds me of Jaye Davison to Stephen Rea in the 'Crying Game!' I like her for reasons totally unrelated to some of the reasons she like me. And though we have had clear conversations about us, even as far as my telling her about my desire to move to Nebraska, I well know, that what a WOMAN hears isn't what she is understanding.

Talk about complication. I don't really like 'just a lay', which is why I don't press Tee Jay. And with AKA, you would never convince me, that doing that would be 'just that'. Yeah right. Hey, I have WRITTEN THAT BOOK! Even as I say this, it may happen ... but it would be neat to manage around that.

Hmm ... a 'thought trend' is developing. I wonder where this is going to lead?

Mary Catherine Gallagher Wasn't Alone, Was She?

Because for me, when I can 'live' through stuff, it generally means that I am doing well. Movies, music, stories, OTHERS JOURNALS, etc. How come? Because the things at hand with me are going to be dealt with, and my days are starting to fall into a routine of sorts.

This 'routine' is not really a routine at all. I am still going from day to day, finding my way around. I try to start them the same, but stuff happens, and I have to 'work around' to have my good day. That I do, is quite an accomplishment and I tend not to take it for granted.

Went to the hospital with a case of the, wait for it ...GOUT! No, this isn't the 18oo's, and I don't understand why I got it, but I do. Better that than what the cat next to me was dealing with ... a five day headache that turns out to be a BRAIN ANEURYSM! Yikes! They evac'd him to Providence Hospital, cause they are supposed to be experts in that stuff... all I can say is, 'if you say so'.

Man, whatever that was they injected to deal with the pain ... thank you very much, I will take two of those!

Had watched two movies this weekend ... 'Dangerous Liaisons' and 'Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil'. Enjoyed them both. Supposed to 'warm up' near the end of the week, so perhaps I will get to Royal Oak and see 'Frost-Nixon'. I have the 'sense' of watching some of the interviews ... remembering how big it was. It was special. Now to get to hear some of the back story, is going to be good. I have read about it, seen a couple of interviews. I have always read about stuff before I went to see it ... that's me. Others aren't into that stuff. Don't know why not ...

NEBRASKA NEWS

We have had some interesting conversations recently. Usually, I have allowed to think and fantasize about her on Monday's. When I was still in the provincial town I once rode around, I would stop at the Starbucks en route to my therapist and get a coffee and the Apple Cinnamon muffin that I purchased when we were together.

Last week, she sorta 'broke containment'. I thought long and hard about her, all week. Despite our 'differences', I am certain that we could be good friends, and we would almost always have someone to call and to hang out with. One of the things that I have always been big on, is accessibility. I tend to know what it is I am going to do, and the things that matter the most to me, have a priority. My friends, interacting with real people, is one of those things.

One of the things I think I get misunderstood about me, is that I KNOW that I have a head in the clouds attitude. But my feet are on the ground ... or at least I try to keep them there. Said that to say I don't expect for people to come 'float with me'. Which is where experience has come in, and has me looking for someone who wants to dream a little.

PECAN SANDIE

While I almost had My Delta Girl converted, my ex wife and Mookie were too full of 'whatever' to believe, Pecan Sandie, wanted to believe with me, believe for us. I remember that we had conversations about how we were going to deal with each other, and how we were going to raise 'our children' (she counted errybody from the giddy-up as 'her daughters')

She dreamed with me. She had her own dreams, but she also dreamed with me. I tried to dream with her as well. She is the most creative person I have ever met. She has a great touch with things, and I could only think we would be living in one of the most tastefully decorated places in the Atl!

But she had a temper. She knew it, and she was able to see for herself, that it wasn't going to ever bring the response from me that she desired. She was able to put not only a 'face' but 'a person' to the stories I told her about my marriage. Didn't have to really discuss much about what I 'didn't want' in a relationship after that, and though she readily admitted to sharing some of those things, she did promise to work on them ...

... and she did.

SO WHAT HAPPENED?

I screwed up. Period. I was reading journals today, and I sorta stepped into the boundaries that separate 'advice and empathy' from 'instruction and accusation'. So better I talk about what is what for me.

Sometimes, you can forgo details when reviewing your own mistakes, not because you are overlooking them, but that once you experienced something, you change immediately. A broad review is what I think is next, as with setting broad goals to reach a specific point. You can't wonder what each particular issue means, nor is it wise, IMO, to question the significance of what you did, save to align it with a future goal. Am I making sense?

See, with Sandie, I was able to tell her that I didn't mind 'hood rats' (not that she ever was one ... she went to NC State), but I did mind the insistence that what is stereotypic being the signpost for what can be done, what can be expected. I have come to describe it a myopic way of not daring to dream, because when you dream, there is actually work involved in making it happen. I would like to think, I want someone who is willing to roll up their sleeves and make their life happen. I want to believe that is what I AM willing to do.

The details of why we aren't together ... I zigged when zagging would have maybe been better. Could go into it, but then that is another two-three pages. And that is why detailing mistakes can be as costly as the mistake itself. You can get lost in review. you can find yourself finding NEW questions in the past, letting those unanswered and unnececssary point hinder you. Instead of saying 'screw this', don't for get to say 'screw that', when dealing with the past.

I feel better about myself, because I have stopped doing a lot of the same screwed up crap I used to do. Since it never really mattered what someone thought of me, who wasn't that someone, I am like sooo cool with myself.

BACK TO NEBRASKA

I want to go there. And I am sure that we can be very, very good together, me and that girl. She is breathtaking to me, and I can promise to her what I can, because I want to think that I know what it will take ...

... I will be 'her dog'.

There is nothing wrong with that, if you do so willingly. And what it means to me, is that I will be sure to keep her importance to me in my mind, first and always. And what, she will have to keep me on track for classes, and make sure that I don't burn dinner ... I mean, come on! Working towards the goal of having a happy life, with someone who is as attractive and kind as you would want someone to be ...

Don't know about her, but I have 'found' that in people, and I am now willing to sacrifice what it takes, if I am wrong ... because I have had others do that for me, and I proved them wrong. Not that I think I am going through 'payback' as I had to learn some difficult lessons.

Now, I want to think that I have learned what I need to be more successful. And when I get out west, I will find out for sure.

More 'Dog'

One of the things that I really miss about the 'Empire Records' of the metro area, is that there isn't a Harmony House near me.

Harmony House was THE local record outlet, and if they didn't have it, it meant one thing -- you made it up! They had every piece of recorded music since the dawn of time, and if it wasn't on hand, they could get it for you, no worries.

I don't know if this is a promo thingy for an agency or what. But from the different looks of the girls, to the stylized way they speak the lyrics of such a short, incredibly intense (is it overkill to use 'intense' with anything of iggy pop?) jam like 'Dog' is way cool.

Like how they 'disassemble' the 'Well, come on' girl near the end of the video.

YEAH, INTENSE

This does come into my mind when it comes to a relationship. I like to think that I am calm on my surface, but fueled by ... it isn't anger, that much I know. When anger is the primary ignition source, it burns out too quickly. When ever it does come up, I think it gets diffused (ooh, good word there ..!) and it finds more useful purposes. When I would fight, I never would be worried when the other guy would get mad ... any hockey fan will tell you, an agitated opponent is a distracted opponent.

Someone who is mad, is no longer focused and can be manipulated into a mistake. Since mistakes happen, getting angry does you little good. And if I am going to be angry, then I am really going to tighten up on what I am supposed to be trying to do.

In my marriage, I think that was an area we really, really disagreed on, how we should resolve our differences. People try to be mad, whatever with me and I don't let it fade me one bit. At least I won't let you see it. The only time anyone knows how angry I am, is at the moment I have decided to do something about it, savvy?

She had anger issues ... might have just been with me though. Anywho, if something happens where I am angry, then I try to get to where whatever it is DOESN'T make, or have the ability to, make me angry.

Like dealing with and establishing my 'new normal'.

Because I do have the ability to focus on something and make it happen, I make sure I remember as much of the positive as I can. I can remember telling myself when I made it through Air Assault school, that it didn't kill me!

Failure is not final. If you get knocked down, get back up. Since I have experinced the latter, I know that to be true. I try get back up, no matter how hard I have been hit.

WHY THE NEBRASKA CONCEPT IS THE BEST OF ALL OPTIONS

Because it is new. It is difficult. It will be a test. And it pulls on me.

Not looking forward to explaining to my Dad, why he is schlepping me some million miles to nowhere. My knees are knocking as see myself standing on the edge of some farm, trying to get a ride into the nearest town with a telegraph (smile, big smile!).

Happiness is more of a place ... and if you aren't looking for it, you will never find it. Once, I saw it in here, with Tee Jay and that was the only time I ever saw it in Detroit. Things are fuzzy now ... and I don't do 'fuzz'. Because I did think there would be some of that when I started to chart my course, I made sure to put the Nebraska Concept first, because there was less fuzz to it.

Betty has reaffirmed the sense that I have regarding my life ... keep working on what needs to be worked on, and let the 'whatevers', work themselves out. I liked hearing that from someone, because a lot of times, even with 9 billion walking around with you, it is easy to feel like you are alone, alone with your feelings, alone with your sensibilities, alone with your experiences.

But you aren't. And what you do have to do, if you want to improve things, is try.

LAST WORD ON THE STORY

I hate that I know the end.

SENSORY OVERLOAD

First, they could not have picked an 'awesomer' song to reinterpret. I am going to have to check out other stuff by this crew, the Eclectic Method ... that is a cool name!

Anyway, what I like is how simple the video is. Doesn't take a great deal of pyrotechnics for an Iggy Pop song to jump off, does it? Especially going back to the beginning of the video, with the crowd shot and all those people getting hyped for something ... what, I don't know. Feels like I am at a rave or something listening to and watching this song.

I guess after checking out their website, is that they specialize in making video 'mash-ups'. Will have to see more of their stuff.

TRIED TO BE IN A FOUL MOOD

But it didn't take. I have wondered myself, if I don't purposely go into denial sometimes. I do feel bad ... last night, stuff was on my mind. Then I had to really try to make them fit in my reality, and none of what I was thinking about was 'real', in a real sense.

I don't know what is up with certain women in my life ... like about a few billion men (and women themselves!), so why should I BE worried about 'stuff'. The only way I am going to find out, is to get to 'there'. The only way to get 'there' is to start working towards 'it'. And working towards 'it', begins where I am.

So win the day. Let tomorrow handle itself. If you lose today, then resolve to make it big tomorrow. Period.

Before you knew it, I was grooving to this hype-monkey version of 'I Wanna Be Your Dog'. Oh, there is one more that I want to share, and it is as creative as this is, if not more so.

Which one is better? Who is prettier, Halle Berry or Nicole Kidman? Depends on YOUR flavor, cause either one would be welcome to spend time with me! I am going to watch this video a few dozen more times before i go and get dinner!

A Song For ...

... WHATEVER, WHATEVER

Nebraska asked me recently if I had a song for 'us'. I mentioned one song, sung by Jill Scott (who else?) that she shared with me, 'Whenever You're Around'. But don't let the title fool you. It was more for my relationship with Mookie, as it describes someone who would feel 'less than' when the other was around.

It jumped to mind because she sent it to me. I don't get the chance to listen to the music she sent to me, because it is on my portable storage, and I have decided not to mess with that stuff until I get my own laptop.

Actually I have a couple of songs for her, and just for her. When I say that, I mean no matter where I am in life, my thoughts would turn to her ever so briefly, and the smile I would be wearing would be for her.

Another song that she sent, by the beautiful Ms. Scott (who is back 'in play', to my understanding!), really does capture what I am feeling for her. "Come See Me" is a song that promises the wants of the yearning of two hearts ... that yearn for each other. I can imagine HER, not someone, but HER, singing this song and expressing her desire for the kind of love I would offer her, bidding me 'come see me, right now.'Man, it covers everything that I think our relationship IS about ... all the while she, er, Jill is as anxious to take part and show the love she harbours for 'her man'.


That has a nice ring ... 'her man'. I like being referred to someone as 'her man'.

I am up late, my legs aching from the discovery that I am further from Royal Oak than I am downtown! I went to see 'Slumdog Millionaire' which was well worth the trip! Got to sit next to a girl who reminded me of MJB, and we both ended up whispering back and forth to each other! Four stars!

But this song ... other than this being an late fall night, could really describe how our situation is. I really and truly believe that she is fighting what she may be feeling for me. Some of what makes her fight her emotions, I have to say, SHOULD make her fight her feelings. I am so not what she had, or was involved with as to my understanding. And I can dig that. At the same time, she wants someone to love her, to envelop her with their desire, special and unique to and for her.

I want that for her as well. And I want it to come from where she wants it. Because she is the IT GIRL for me, doesn't mean I am the guy for her. And I can deal with that. She does have my application for the position of 'her man' on file ..!

TIPPIN' MY HAND

But Mark, you say ... what about Tee Jay and your feelings for her? Not to mention AKA (who was spotted in the pack again ...) ... well, no one ever said that this was going to be a surgical process, nice and neat, did they?
And let it not be forgotten, when I made my choice to do an 'ex List', I put her on it too.

I do think that if I don't have the love in me already that she is looking for, I can generated it. My heart is a deep as the deepest sea, and I would fill it with only her. This much I am certain. Some of the advice that Ken has given recently, falls into the 'we knew the environment' category. Sometimes, I question myself, not that I have them per se, but because I need to be certain of the answers.

For instance ... this ex-List thing. Nebraska didn't think she should be considered an 'ex', but I wonder if she has ever done the unrequited thing for anyone? So she is on it and that is what kept her in play. Not only is she in play, but it is because of what makes dating an ex such a not good idea, that has her in the lead. Because we DON'T have much of a history, and all I know of her is that she confirmed the positive feelings I have held for her, whereas with Tee Jay and AKA, I DO know them very well.

WHY I HAVE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE

So why am I doing it now? Well somehow, it made sense. Tee Jay was the first girl that I got stuck on, and I wanted to get back with her. So I told myself that I had 'met' my girl, and needed to try and see if I could find her and start again. This has been covered, and I think it is still sound. It 'double qualifies', because it is something new for me, as well as a thought out plan.

The reason that I have never done this before, is that as you have read, I am very introspective. But other people aren't so inclined to look into themselves to find solutions to their problems, much less see themselves as the source of their issues. They find their comfort and solace in what they don't know, and the questions they need to ask themselves as to 'why' they are what and where they are, go unasked.

When I ask myself why I am in my situation, I can tell you, and accept your criticism of my choices and grow. How many people go on with their flaws and continue to be flawed. THIS is why I have never 're-dated'. It isn't like they were without THEIR CONTRIBUTION to the negative aspects of our relationship.

Just as there are things about me that are 'less than', so too are their things with Tee Jay and for shure about AKA. What are they going to do about them? As to Nebraska ... I will get to the three of them another time ... finally, I am sleepy!

Listen to the lyrics of this song! There is another song for the 'Nebraska Concept', but I will save that for another day ...

Yes, I do take pictures ...

... but I don't think I photograph well ...

... and I can't eliminate the feeling of vanity that comes with taking pictures from the equation either. So I don't take them.

Odd, because I don't have much in the was of memorabilia or souvenirs from my life, period. My family knows what I have done ... I KNOW what I have done, where I have been. For me, that has been enough. My girls know that I took my shots at life as well ... cause their Mom's are able to tell them what they were on hand to see.

The little bit o' stuff that I do have, eh, it ain't much. The family pictures that I was in, I have no idea where any of that stuff is ... sorry, no further comment as to details about why that is. I KNOW and that is the only person who HAS TO KNOW.

Nebraska took that picture of me last year in Chicago. I was surprised to see that I actually looked nice! I mean, I always thought I was good looking, but man, I really liked the way that I looked! I think I told her that it was because I was happy ... hadn't been that kind of happy in a good while.

I didn't think I could find it, but I looked for it one day ... sent it out and then realized I had a picture to put up with my profile! Glad y'all like it ... and I think I lost 20lbs. from that time!

THE AUTO NON-BAILOUT

So cats with benefits for life, making money from so many sources that you can't keep track (unless you are an idiot Gov. from Illinois, who is an idiot!) are telling the American worker that he makes too much money and receives too many health benefits.

Always wondered how the Orwellian society developed. It happens now that you have people 'conditioned', to pull those who are climbing above the rest back down to size. Funny how we can't get upset at those who continue to find ways to stay rich beyond our imaginings, but want to rant and rave at someone who works and lives in our reach, saying that they don't deserve the relative minimal earnings they receive.

That cat from 'bama ... ain't that where Mister Charlie kicks a brother in the face, and the brother says, "Thanky Mister Charlie, thanky,"?

WHAT NOW?

Beth over at "Nutwood Junction" touches on the feeling that you get when something you are involved in personally, but is outside of your ability to make certain of, happens. Kind of like when you pull for Florida to beat Alabama and get a chance to lose to Oklahoma in the national title game ..!

I have been in a 'what now' kind of mind for a little bit now. Mine comes from personal things, because I have let a lot of stuff outside of me go. While I would have liked to have kept my job at the hotel, being it was a 'wheelhouse' activity, I think things for me have worked out quite well. And when you consider the status of my relationship with AKA, I don't have to go anywhere feeling guilty about anything, savvy?

"Mistakes are always made at the easy places." I think that great leaders are good at creating the sense of immediacy that makes for achievement. Some are like Tony Dungy, and can lead with his own special brand of leadership. Others are cut from the Vince Lombardi/Bill Parcells cloth.

When things get to the 'what now?' stage, it isn't really that you don't know what is next. But sometimes, being flushed with success, you don't really want to DO,'what IS now', savvy?

RINSE, WASH, REPEAT AS NECESSARY

So you manage to lose a few pounds this holiday season. You got your grades for the quarter and things are looking good. You have met someone to 'kiss for a year' in a few weeks. Things are going favorably. What you have wanted to happen, is happening. The question hangs in the air ... 'What now?'

That is where I am at, 'what now?'. Sometimes, you get so into something, bad or good, that finally when it is resolved favorably, you DON'T know what to do next. It is like you have been lost at sea, and you are found ... kind of like 'Chuck Noland' in 'Castaway', when he was plucked from the South Pacific. He had been thru so much to get that far ...

... and he still had far yet to go.

I liked how that movie tied things up, with a beautiful, but loose bow. He was able to have the needed closure with 'Kelly', his love for her pulling him out of the depths, and because her love for him was as real for him, though it was not to be for the two of them.

He still had his 'package'.

ON THE WINGS OF AN ANGEL

Rather than hang on to Kelly, Chuck lets her go. It is what I think is the best testimony to the love they shared. Besides, he has one more stop, the package with the wings on it, that survived the flight with him.

So he rides out to Texas (somewhere between Lubbock and Galveston, I reckon), to deliver it. As he stands at a cross roads, the lady who's package kept him in his time, drives by him after he gave it to her. And he knows it was her, because her truck has the same angel wing's on it as the package did that helped keep him 'here'. He turns and smiles as it goes off into what lies ahead ...

... and it is on 'what lies ahead', his gaze is fixed.

Random Stuff

LIVING LIKE I BOX

Sometimes I wonder if, in making references to boxing and fighting, or sports in general, if people get the mistaken impression that I am a powder keg walking. I think that would be an assumption made by a person skimming the surface of my scribblings, and it would be wrong.

Somewhere, I heard this, and it stuck ... think out of the mind of what you do best. I took it to mean make things fit in a way that YOU understand it, in order to bring about the desired results. For me, it is boxing.

There are times where you 'stick and move', or you 'step out and circle' something. I know what those terms mean, and what I am hoping to accomplish. For you, it may be something different. It could be cooking, it could be auto repair ... but whatever it is, when I am faced with something difficult, I would retreat into that 'boxing mentality' (the execption to this is my Army experience ... THAT became its own coping mechanism!).

By doing this, you make something unfamiliar, familiar. And if it is something you know and recognize, I think you will handle the situation better. Now, if there was anything that I do think is universal, it is getting over your fears. If something big and intimidating is between you and where you want to go, then suck it up and get to it!

THIS JUST IN ...

It is cold outside! I hadn't ran in about a week, taking last weekend off, then getting sick from my trip to Mickey Dee's on Sunday. But I got out into it today ...

Haven't talked about fitness in quite a bit, but it is on my mind because I made a meal based on a recipe I snipped from Myra over at 'The Randomness Of It All'... and it sparked something that I used to think about winter training.

Hope see won't mind, but she set a reasonable weight loss goal for this month. Made me think how when I was a teen, I would work even HARDER in the cold weather than I did in the summer, though as for that, I prolly worked just as hard.

The thinking was, that evolution is a bear. No matter where you are at, your body has been 'set' to build fat during this time of year ... you can't help that. So when you do all the work, and you see only a minimal weight loss, do not be discouraged. Building the muscle that is going to burn the fat if you keep working, increasing your aerobic capacity to go longer and harder, is just as important as the number on the scale.

While I know how important diet is, doing the work is more important to me. I think you can eventually train your habits to eat better, but clearing your mental and personal schedule to do the work out portion of fitness, is harder. Trust me, I know how easy it is to lay in that warm bed, or when it is in the early evening, to stare at the television.

MOVIES TO WATCH

There are three. 1) 'Slumdog Millionaire; 2) Frost-Nixon and 3) The Day The Earth Stood Still.

Because 'Slumdog' has been out for awhile, I better go see it now. 'Frost-Nixon' has the cinema snob in me salivating, but the 'Hell Octoplex' mass market drone in me really can't wait to see '... Stood Still'. Maybe it is just me, but some of the best movies from the 50's stand up quite well on their own. I am hoping that this doesn't let me down like 'Manchurian Candidate' did. I mean, it was very okay, but paled in direct comparion to the original. Maybe not really having the malovence of the social times made a difference too. I don't think that sometimes 'we' get the message ... I do think that we are actually a less literate society, and that 'think tanks' and marketing is what has replaced discussion of real opinion and thought.

Okay ... starting to ramble. Y'all have the best day!

Because I do get sooo tired talking about me ...

BECAUSE MY DEFAULT IS SET AT 'CHILLIN''

And you can think yourself into trouble, thinking about the same thing, no matter what you call it, as long as it revolves around you, it is the same thing.

I know what I am going to do about 'me'. The two lead horses are pulling away, and what ever else is racing up, whether it is a Barbaro or a Rosie Ruiz (yup, I shur did, mix species with that metaphor!) will just be running. I am as ready as I can be.

Definitely want to see 'The Day The Earth Stood Still'. Cannot BELIEVE that so many people still hate on 'Ted'. I loved both the 'Big Adventure' and 'Totally Bogus Journey'. Loved 'Point Break' and caught the first 'Matrix' with, you guessed it, Tee Jay! Come on now, he was good in 'Bram Stroker's Dracula', at least he was to me.

But there are two big movies that are questionable. One is 'Valkyrie' with Tom Cruise. I take MANY issues with the movie ... to me, making heroes out of Nazis is like the heroic KKK cats ... oh, never heard of them ... there is a good reason for that ... there WEREN'T ANY.

In the face of such inhumanity, they went along for the ride until they were losing. Tom Cruise belongs to fanatical religion, or at least that is what THE GERMANS THEMSELVES say. Have problems knowing that I am dropping money in the Scientology collection tin. That is me.

Another 'mixed' movie is 'The Spirit'. Loved Frank Miller's 'Batman' in the '90's and thought 'Sin City' was a cool movie. Then I heard him talk. Gonna post some excerpts from an interview he did on NPR. Don't know if I am cropping it to make him look like anything ... I took it from a sight that agrees with this, this badly disguised imperialist racist screed. Dag, wanted to get opinions without showing my hand ... oh well. You folks judge.

Here are some snippets from his interview with NPR:

NPR: […] Frank, what’s the state of the union?
FM: Well, I don’t really find myself worrying about the state of the union as I do the state of the home-front. It seems to me quite obvious that our country and the entire Western World is up against an existential foe that knows exactly what it wants … and we’re behaving like a collapsing empire. Mighty cultures are almost never conquered, they crumble from within. And frankly, I think that a lot of Americans are acting like spoiled brats because of everything that isn’t working out perfectly every time.

NPR: Um, and when you say we don’t know what we want, what’s the cause of that do you think?
FM: Well, I think part of that is how we’re educated. We’re constantly told all cultures are equal, and every belief system is as good as the next. And generally that America was to be known for its flaws rather than its virtues. When you think about what Americans accomplished, building these amazing cities, and all the good its done in the world, it’s kind of disheartening to hear so much hatred of America, not just from abroad, but internally.

NPR: A lot of people would say what America has done abroad has led to the doubts and even the hatred of its own citizens.
FM: Well, okay, then let’s finally talk about the enemy. For some reason, nobody seems to be talking about who we’re up against, and the sixth century barbarism that they actually represent. These people saw people’s heads off. They enslave women, they genitally mutilate their daughters, they do not behave by any cultural norms that are sensible to us. I’m speaking into a microphone that never could have been a product of their culture, and I’m living in a city where three thousand of my neighbors were killed by thieves of airplanes they never could have built.

NPR: As you look at people around you, though, why do you think they’re so, as you would put it, self-absorbed, even whiny?
FM: Well, I’d say it’s for the same reason the Athenians and Romans were. We’ve got it a little good right now. Where I would fault President Bush the most, was that in the wake of 9/11, he motivated our military, but he didn’t call the nation into a state of war. He didn’t explain that this would take a communal effort against a common foe. So we’ve been kind of fighting a war on the side, and sitting off like a bunch of Romans complaining about it. Also, I think that George Bush has an uncanny knack of being someone people hate. I thought Clinton inspired more hatred than any President I had ever seen, but I’ve never seen anything like Bush-hatred. It’s completely mad.

NPR: And as you talk to people in the streets, the people you meet at work, socially, how do you explain this to them?
FM: Mainly in historical terms, mainly saying that the country that fought Okinawa and Iwo Jima is now spilling precious blood, but so little by comparison, it’s almost ridiculous. And the stakes are as high as they were then. Mostly I hear people say, ‘Why did we attack Iraq?’ for instance. Well, we’re taking on an idea. Nobody questions why after Pearl Harbor we attacked Nazi Germany. It was because we were taking on a form of global fascism, we’re doing the same thing now.

NPR: Well, they did declare war on us, but…
FM: Well, so did Iraq.

THE OFFENSE OF THE FUTURE

ME & THE RUN AND SHOOT

Even with the confidence boost that my Aunt had given me, I felt more like a nerd in denial ... like one of the guys on 'Big Bang Theory', the cat who lives with his Mom. Sticking with that show, this week showing how Leonard and his new girlfriend are getting along, sorta ... puts me in the mind for another kind of entry, that is related to this series (ever since the show 'less than perfect', I have been diggin' on actress Sara Rue!)

But Howard is the guy I could picture ... someone who was unaware of his obvious limitations, which were clear to everyone who saw and knew him, but he didn't know it, until he actually had to BE the confident ladies man he wasn't!!

When the 'run and shoot' made it to the NFL, one of the things that made it appeal to me, other than it was the offense of the Detroit Lions, is that I remember reading about how it helped 'compensate' for less talented teams. That stayed with me ... because I wanted to compete ...

Unorthordox, and risk taking ... it did seem like 'the offense of the future'. Some of the things it did, was take what you already had on offense, and put it to good use, if you didn't have all the standard 'horses' to play straight up. In dating, this translated in taking the things that I was already 'good at' and instead of letting them be a drag, letting them stand out.

I was (am?) a dandy-ish kind of cat. Little different for the times, a second or two ahead of the metrosexual wave, it was easy to write me off as 'closeted'. But it was what I had to work with, so I did. Lots of the things that guys may 'fake' just to get close, were things that I actually liked to do ... going shopping and to see plays and other 'oddly sissy' stuff (I say 'odd' because I don't get why it wasn't ever considered manly).

That is what the run 'n shoot was about for me. Being wide open and aggressive. Like the offense 'spread the field' as it comes at you in a four reciever formation, daring you to either match up or get beat by faster players than you have in a 'base' formation. It lets you know, we are coming at you and what are you going to do about it!

DON'T TREAT YR GIRL WRONG, FELLAS ...
... cause I will 'do' your girl! When I first adopted this ideal, I still wasn't 'popular'. But I was a good friend for women and after listening to a few of them complaining 'why can't he be more like you, Mark', I began asking 'well, why don't YOU decide to be with me, then!' And the first time that it worked, a light bulb, dim as it were, went on in my head.

Women, I'd soon discover, are just as insecure as anyone else. They use words as their shield and weapons, to fend off guys. But I liked words and I like to talk. So I would actually LISTEN to women, and figure out what they were really trying to say. I had to develop a tough skin, from being picked on and stuff ... so being rejected wasn't something that worried me.

Eventually, I would 'roll up' numbers that are typical of the ol' run and shoot. Ooh ... I hope y'all get what I am saying. Part of what I would do is pick up on the little things, the things that their boyfriends weren't paying attention to, the things that they were doing to make themselves more noticeable.

It would be nothing for me to ask what a woman was doing different about their nails or what did they use to make their skin soft. I knew how to approach and suggest a different hairstyle, or what they should wear to make themselves appear more flattering. Because their boyfriends were out trying to be 'playa, playa', it left the back door open for Jody ...

... and I used to tell 'em in the service ... I'M JODY!

AND LIKE ALL THINGS, THE RUN AND SHOOT CAME TO AN END

Andre Ware and David Klingler were two of the biggest names produced by the run and shoot in college. Did NOT do anything as a professional, with Andre Ware being drafted by the Lions, and should have been a natural fit. Unfortunately, there were weaknesses to the high powered attack, and it was good for some things, it wasn't built for winning big in the playoffs. And in relationships, it meant it wasn't good for long term, loving relationships.

Leaving broken hearts behind me, also left ME unfulfilled. It took a lot out of my sex drive, which has stayed pretty low since the mid-90's. I have told myself, that I was leaving too much of myself with people, and did not really get it until I ran into Nixxie and Pecan Sandie.

Though Nixxie and I were more 'friends with benefits', Sandie really tried to make a partner out of me. She came into my life at a very tumltous time, and was very willing to sacrifice to pull me out of my mess, so that WE COULD have a future. She came with me when I would visit Skye, she stuck by me during my crapping out as a fighter, and when she toted the mail, getting the three of us (Lexxie was on the scene at this time) the ATL, what more could she have done?

SOMETIMES, IT IS LIKE A PRECIOUS JEWEL...

... and love can sit in the palm of your hand. Because you aren't used to handling something so delicate, you don't know how to handle it properly, and you crush it, clumsily. From My Delta Girl, then to Pecan Sandie, I felt that I had really, really mugged up two great chances to be married and in love. How many more chances would I get ... many people don't even get HALF of the opportunities that I have in my life to find love. And this is in no way representative of the 'yardage' I had rolled up running the offense of the future ...

Mind now, the only 'guilt' I feel, is that it took so much for me to learn how to be better ... cause like Maya Angelou says, "when I knew better, I did better." And I would take that attitude into my next relationship, which would be Tee Jay. Sometimes, when I read or even talk with folks, male and female, it is a chore for me to reign in myself, because there is experience knowledge and taught knowledge. And in questions of love, sometimes only experience will do.

That is why sometimes, I am hard on myself, because when I was running the run and shoot, I really wanted 'to be loved, just like everyone else does'. I did a lot of whining and internal pity parties, to justify my actions. All I can do, is repeat 'now I know better', and go from there. And so I have.

SO KNOW YOU GET WHY

I would rather be up front with Tee Jay. Do I feel something is 'there'? Yes I do, but it won't be easy ... and I still haven't any reason to change my orientation. I still don't want to be here ... but that is me. Maybe higher up the chain of command, I am supposed to be here. If so, then so be it.

Well, that is done. SD has been since written out of the script, her character never expected to reappear. AKA, has emailed me, but I haven't read it. Maybe next week, when I feel up to explaining the new 'what's what' with her. Then she can either call me names and never call, or ... naw, who am I kidding? She is just going to call me names, never call and I will get over it. That this is done, this part of my personal re-examination, I can finish getting ready for the new year, and look forward building my future. I mean, I still have one, right?

Names, Faces, and Places

IN MY HEAD ...

I can 'link up' character traits that I get reading other's journals. So I am using names that should be a 'little familiar' to you, not just out of fun's sake, but because something in you reminds me of something I saw in someone else's.

Me, I believe that there is only one life, and that we are all 'in it'. If you know it or not, can recognize it or not, varies from person to person, and may not even factor in your success. I do think that it helps, and that's why I am using them, the familiar names.

Did I have roommies in college that were as 'cool' with me as that --yes, yes I did. They stood behind me at a time when they had no good reason to. I was living in my car, going to get showers at the shelter in Greensboro, and finding time to work, go to school, AND box. They took in a stray cat from Detroit. I miss those guys.

The trainers I had were really 'matched' as well as the trainers in the story, save they weren't married! They got along and was each able to bring out different things in the fighters that the other wasn't as good at.

I was working at Belk's in the Four Season's Mall, reading 'Myths To Live By', when a guy who worked there started to chat me up about it. Of course, he was faithful, but a real open thinker and we would chat up such topics. Our friendship, while bound by work, was a good one. We would talk about wide ranging things, always being respectful about each other's boundaries.

'Pecan Sandie' ISN'T Pecan Sandie in this story. You gets NO hints as to who she is!!

Using readers names helps me place the characters, as something your have written or the general vibe I get from you, remind me of someone I have met in my life. I am in your life as well, somewhere. Not all, just a piece, but I am somewhere around. So that is that with that!

NICK AND NORAH'S INFINITE PLAYLIST

The movie house was out in Madison Heights. We went at 7 p.m., and am glad Tee Jay knew where we were going! Got there in plenty of time, and I really enjoyed the movie! Good date movie, at least for me, for US. There were a lot of elements in it that we could clearly parallel with our previous relationship.

Gave me a 'break' as to dinner, opting out for Mickey Dee's on the way home. It was a long enough ride to talk a little bit. Because of my attitude in dating, being forward with my emotions, it is sort of a struggle for me now to 'play' the dating game. She smiled a lot, and told me to relax a little, and let things develop and play out. Let's see what happens.

She is right, I know. BUT, I also know how stuff happens, and I did not purposely want to be a part of 'stuff', not if I feel I can help it. So I reminded her of my three goals, 1) to be happy 2) to be happy with her or, 3) leave town and find my happiness somewhere else, with some one (Nebraska ..? I told her that ONCE). I also told her the only reason that I am 'Ex-Listing' (how bad an idea is this? How many episodes did THAT show last!) was to keep HER in my life ... and that is the truth.

ADVANTAGES OF BEING ON-SITE

Having met my peeps, both my blood and steps, she is well versed in the Quixotic adventures that dot my life. I don't have to remind her how agitated I am, being 'the only one' here in Detroit. I told her that I know that this isn't how 'the game is played', but that this is how I am playing it. If all we are going to be to each other are friends, I can be cool with that. But ME ... I am going to find my life and hopes somewhere else, because as far as I am concerned, you are the only person in Detroit that matters to me and makes me feel that it could be here, with them.

I would rather be up front with my position, than to be 'two-faced', saying one thing and being one way with her, then operating on something else that pulls in a different direction. To be one way with her, and trying to be something else with out her, is operating on two fronts of battle. It is something that I worry about with the two major wars we are in as a country. Historic precedent say it will lead to the fall of a society ... how much more so for an individual relationship?

Anywho, I am sure she get it. Now that I have put it out, I can concentrate on acting as if what I want is out there, all I have to do is like Spike Lee's Mookie in the movie, 'Do The Right Thing', which is ...

... to do the right thing.

SO YOU SEE, I AM NOT AS 'RANDOM' AS ONE MAY HAVE THOUGHT

Because she is 'here' and has a history with me, Tee Jay also understands how much I place in 'vibe' and in the unseen. There isn't ANYTHING I have to review with her about me, but to build from. I can learn about her, going forward because that is how I do, period. Trust my feelings and go from there. Whether others agree with my results or not, matters little, because I believe in my approach. In my mind, when it is all said and done, I HAVE BEEN the problem. My last relationship was rare, in that I could actually say, 'it was just her, not you', in.

And that is part of what is different between Nebraska and Tee Jay. I think that the former has a vision of her life, and I am not in a starring role in it. She knows enough about me, much in the same way an NFL Team should know about their first round draft choice, if not all of their selections. I am too good to not be a first round selection ...

Tee Jay and I got together under the thinking that we both wanted something different. I wanted to be stable, so that I could be a better father, a better man. I had put all of my 'notch making' stuff away and wanted to settle down, for real. The 'wild oats' had been sown, at least as much as I was going to sow them. She wanted to get off the 'relationship Merry Go-round' that made a star out of Mary J. Blige and all the other crap songs they play on WJLB. So though on the surface, we would appear to be different ... we actually wanted the same thing -- to be in love with someone who loved us back.

Many, if not all, of the 'social concerns' I think impact on my potential relationships with people, I WOULDN'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH, getting back with Tee Jay. Her daughter, her family, even some of her good friends in her life know that I march to a beat that I alone hear. And she didn't mind, and she really and truly walked along with me, like a good woman should do, if she believes she has a good man, even if sometimes he didn't make sense to her.

Ken and Betty left some comments on my frustrated post, the one with Blake's 'Red Dragon' ... but I have written enough for one entry. Need to relax, get my bike repaired, and develop a new fitness routine!