RIGHT NOW I JUST FEEL GOOD
I have been on cruise control ever since I sent KT home last month. She has grown so much as a person and I could not be more honored that she came out to see me. I have always felt that way about being able to have her with me. That she respects and follows my instructions speaks volumes about her Mother. KT could not be a better young woman and I look forward to being a part of her life.
Monday is when I will go and pick up our photos. They have been ready since July 25th, but I did not check the receipt for the portraits, thinking that they would either call or email me when they were ready. I will post a couple of the pictures when I get them both here, and on Face Book. I wonder what my oldest and her Mom will think of them when they see them on my Face Book page; hopefully they would inspire Skye to want to venture out for a few weeks herself.
What would make me miss calling KT on her birthday? If I was going to make sure of ANYTHING in life, it would be to acknowledge KT on her birthday! But what had happened was I had a fall one evening on my bike, Madison, coming home late from my new job. It was not my “fault”, in that the road was slick and I was making a turn and I fell. There was a little bruising, a little road rash on my right arm and left hand. It “hurt” but the pain was not necessarily concerning. But when I experience events where my body is jerked around and I my head does not actually strike anything or is not struck, it is similar to the whiplash that people in car accidents suffer. Having a permanent brain injury makes me way more susceptible to concussions occurring.
The first thing that happens, even before my nervous systems begins registering “pain”, is it feels like the pitch and tone of the world around me is muted. I have a feeling that is reminiscent of computer code being flashed on a screen, ones and zeroes filling the screen in the same line after line fashion that is the trope for super-complicated computer systems going off-line.
I am still conscious. Concerned voices can be heard in the near distance and people are asking me questions, “Are you alright?” asks one. “Do you think you need an ambulance?” inquires another. My answers are forming but everything is not to order and more diagnostics are being run. The seconds stretch, as all of this takes but a few minutes, but finally I begin to respond.
“No”, I say. “That is not necessary.” I am untangling myself from around Madison and a man who pulled his car around to be nearer to me helps me to my feet. As we make small talk with me again declining his offer to call EMS, and we observe the slickness to the area of pavement that I wiped out on, I tell those who were responding to my fall that I will walk the rest of the way home. This seems to ease their concern, though I could still hear a woman’s voice in the background saying, “I still think he should be looked at.”
Home is little over a half-mile away and it is a warm evening, so the walk actually felt nice. I could tell that there was going to be soreness and I did not want to look and see the torn skin on my upper arm and leg, though it did not seem to be THAT bad at the time (and would be confirmed later).
So I have been going on with a “walking concussion” this week and before anyone gets on me for what I “should have done”, child please!! I KNOW that I am not the only “club member” who struggles with their disability and make similar decisions for their own personal reasons. It made sense then and it makes sense now. And Tuesday, no matter what the physician suggests, it will make sense then, too.
And now you know why I don’t talk about my injury and my daily dealings with it. This is blog is not a play for sympathy or pity. I journal, and since that is what I am claiming that I do, I feel like I should at least occasionally relate some of what I face with my injury.
BUT REALLY, I DO FEEL GOOD
Sunday, I went to dinner at my girlfriend’s house. Her two youngest boys (9 and 6 years old) want to see me and encouraged their Mom to ask me over this evening! How cool is that?
Now it may have slipped notice but did mention that I have a job! I am really excited about my new position, in a fitness center for a company that I have not familiarized myself with but I do plan doing just that!! It seems to be very stable organization, and while my position is not glamorous, it is in a place that I want to be. Now I know what I am going to school for, to eventually be an exercise science/fitness major. That is not a precise definition, but it is pointing me in the direction that I want to go.
As with my job, where I am at in my life is not “the end of the road” as much as it is a sign of “the road I am on”. I have always wondered if it was more important to know the destination of the road you are on, or should it be a priority that you have a destination to go to? Sampling a quote of the former Pacific Lutheran football coach Forrest “Frosty” Westering, "… said all along that it's the trip, not the destination, that is important…. The goal is not the end of the road; the goal is the road itself.”
For me, this has always been the aim of living. Not to “get somewhere” or even to “be” something. I have always wanted to be heading in the direction of my dreams and let what happens, happen. This way, I feel fulfilled and can take solace (when appropriate) that I have been out and in the field, striving to make my desires happen. This is prolly where the critiques that I make of women and how some of them handle relationships stem from. Objectively, I am less harsh when I encounter conversation about how men and women interact socially, and I am moved to offer my “two cents” in a discussion. Also, I never “advise” someone from my own perspective, but as a neutral and unbiased as I can be. So it should not be surprising that I can tell a person one thing and then make a statement that would appear to reference a similar episode in my life that would make one wonder where I am coming from.
THEORY AND PRACTICE
When it comes to personal relationships I have been disappointed in how many times what people say is not what it is they really want, if actions being the judge of their passion for their objective. I mean, since the prevalent meme is that men are immature, commitment-phobic, mamma’s boy, with little in the way of direction and are hyper-sexualized underachievers, whose stylizations of women is informed by video games and rap songs, then what is the issue in identifying a cat who is NOT a member of this broad characterization? This is not only a query for those women who consistent choose obviously bad partnerships to be in, but for those who appear to be more balanced on the first few surface levels and then simply are “off on some other sh*t” when it comes to being in a committed relationship.
Whenever I am making a broad generalization about the fairer sex, as Thomas once noted, some of my views is mixed with my own experiences, both current and historic, as well as on my observations and encounters “in the field”. And as I have said before and will say once again, my journal is a place to vent those feelings. I do NOT go hold any ideas or thoughts as “concretes”, and am willing to allow someone the benefit of the doubt until they invalidate my faith in them as a person, or more intimately, as a partner.
And I guess when I get back to these parts, I will pick it up from there.