IN THE NEW YEAR

I don’t find myself being angsty these days.  First, making the move to Omaha, a place that had been calling me since before I was even aware of myself, has fit me better than expected.  Moments have come and passed, and save for my encounters with automobiles, I have not been found wanting, nor have I been disappointed by my decision.  Regularly enough, I have asked myself, “Is this still the place?  Do you want to go somewhere else??” Each time, a quick and decisive NO is the reply.  This is even with the state of affairs that was my love life… from Nebraska, to Princess, a place holder (well, there were TWO but this isn’t that kind of journal anymore..!) and finally, Kitty.

The deterioration between Kitty and myself was not unforeseen.  Having incorporated the philosophy of a fictional psychopath (admittedly, not the BEST of role models... ) to base my objective happiness upon, I felt less guilt and responsibility for the fail than in any relationship previously, which includes the fail of my marriage (which I, ultimately, bear the majority of weight for).  The only unknown that is left (you know… WHAT IF she/I had done...) concerning me & Kitty doesn’t merit enough reason to be given words to describe.  What IS known is that there was no lack of want on her end.  In saying that, she did lack for real world effort in making things work between us.  It bothered me because I had voiced what I was looking for and in spite of conversations about my wants and needs, she never gave any indication that she found anything to my desires or meeting my needs. She had what she wanted… a partner that she considered handsome and caring, and that was that.  Her lack of adaptation to my wants in a partner was very frustrating.  This left me to believe that  my desires in a relationship as being  unimportant to her.  Unfortunately, the desires to which she paid no heed,  were pillars to “the why” I chose to be in a relationship with her… and though I went into the relationship aware of the risk (if I was ever to let the risk factor dissuade me from action, I would still be stuck in the hometown of Mookie Dee)  ultimately, she proved not be the one for me.  There were many positive factors to Kitty, BUT they had no bearing on whether or not I was happy.  Not only did she not give me any reason to believe that she valued me being “in” our relationship, she also crossed the “red line areas” that I presented her with at the beginning of our getting together.  When the last line was crossed, that was that with that.

We are still Facebook “official”.  Also, we are still sharing Netflix and Spotify accounts.  The reason why you may ask is this:  I don’t want to engender any bad will towards me and my efforts by taking unnecessary risks/actions.  My focus is on getting my business going, taking care of advancing in my current profession (whatever that may be), returning to school and making sure my relationship with my sisters continue to grow strong.

KT continues to lean on me for emotional support.  I have always known that the two of us have a bond, but our circumstance is not one where I dwell on it, nor do I speak on how much I have impacted her life.  But her early adulthood has been one that finds her reaching out to me as her father and my being there for her and her Mom.  KT’s Mother and I have always had regular conversations, but as we look forward to her graduation from college, I feel that in a more legitimate way than I even realize, I have played a defining role in our daughter’s life, and it has been for the good of everyone involved in KT’s development.  It is just as I have always said (were anyone to come and ask me!), her Mom made up in her mind what she wanted for our daughter… and I only had one thing to ask of my co-parent to assure that she would have what she wanted.

Me and the Twins (my youngest siblings) are friends again.  This Christmas could have been spent at a family get-together in Georgia where my Army sis has made her home with her family.  My Dad and her Twin, the Twin with her Air Force daughter and husband in tow, all were there.  I couldn’t go because of my obligations, but I do plan on finding my way down to Georgia in the coming year.  Now, the odd thing about my Army Sister being in Georgia, is that my ex-wife and my oldest daughter, Skye, both have relocated down there as well!  I would not mind rattling my ex-wife’s cage because I can, but I am sure I would behave more mature at the eventual crossing of paths.  This eventuality is pretty well assured as my oldest has reached out to me and we have established an open line of communication.  That has been the biggest reward that 2019 had for me,my twin sister and I are again talking, and that me and Skye have been able to talk and get to know one another.

Finally, I am not sure if I am the only one late to the game, the whole “cancel culture” that we are moving into is kind of intimidating to say the least.  First, I did not know that it was a “thing”.  See, like with “ghosting”, I thought it was simple human social behavior.  Like with ghosting, cancel culture has been around for quite some time.  But now it has been weaponized and aims to do harm.  Recently, two events made me more distinctly aware of the social phenomenon and they both have left me none the worse for wear… and essentially, I don’t care!

The author JK Rowling drew the ire of the cancel culture because she supported a scientist whose social thinking did not fall into the more enlightened way of thinking about sexual orientation.  While I will not detail the incident further than linking to it, I felt that she did what she should have, given her experiences and from the point of view she was looking at the matter at hand.  Second, I believe that I HAVE BEEN CANCELED by a person online who I thought of as a friend, in a real, tangible way.  While I am sure that I would have found my way around to being where I am now (spiritually), I am also glad that I had encountered the article first.

My apologies for the vagueness of this part of the entry. But it ties up everything in my mind, and that has become crucial over the last couple of years, that I can make sense of the things in my environment, and to prioritize and separate things into my current thought matrix.  See, I have not enjoyed the luxury of being a part of a group of influence.  I was never “like” as a child, much less well-liked.  That never was something I expected, as I saw my worth in objective standards, be it grades in school, dealing with senior NCO’s in the military, or supervisors when gainfully employed.  Of all the questions that I have about my life, none of them ever concerned whether or not I was “liked”. That said, this being canacled hurt, hurts in the same way it hurts whenever I have been slighted or ignored because I don’t meet an arbitrary standard of the crowd.  Still, as grave diggers the planet over are wont to answer… “I can dig it”whenever there is something to be dug, I can also “dig it”.  After all, that is my responsibility.